Control

I read the first chapter and i think this book had great possibilities. I was a little confused to start but after reading it the second time i got it. Here are a few suggestions that you may/may not consider.
Second paragraph First sentence Start with Number twelve. When I first read it, i read it as 12 circles. I push her away but ..here I would suggest she squeezes me into her, hugs sounds friendly.
I circle both my hands... here perhaps I free my hands from her tangled hair wrapping them tightly around her neck. I hate to do....it's time. I call upon my powers.Twelve continues....my ribs. I groan in protest. The way the sentence reads it sounds like your ribs are groaning.
I hope this helps
Regards, Red
Illusions of Comfort

Hi Samantha
YARG
I have just read the first three chapters and enjoyed every minute of the read. You have an intriguing storyline and plot and I can't wait to read more. I have found very few mistakes editorially speaking and can't believe this is a work in progress. It reads like an already published work! Your characters are believable and convincing and there are enough questions raised in these first chapters to encourage the reader to continue reading. I like the fact the characters don't have names, just numbers. It is a challenge to have unnamed characters as it can be confusing for the reader, but I feel you have managed this very well. All the characters I have read about so far come across as distinctive. I look forward to reading more and I will give your work many stars and on my Watch List for now.
Good luck with your writing.
All the best
Julia
Shadow Jumper (any comments gratefully received)

concept and set up, here is very good, written with skill and great pace...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

End of Chpt. 10

OMG!!!!! I hate Dr. Gullin! And I'm imagining him with gills and an arrangement of features that screams 'child molester'.

Samantha,

Like my friend Sheri says, excellent stuff.

Your writing is clean and the narrative flows really well. Unlike Sheri, I only read the first two chapters.
I didn't like the use of "off of" in the frst chapter, I guess it depends on whether you want this to be your voice or have perfect writing. As this is the only real negative, it might be worth correcting.

Best wishes
Warrick

Chpt. 10

Several typos in this chapter, but great movement of the plot/pace. Twice it seems you cut/pasted and the same phrase appears twice.

Can't wait to read more!!

Chpt. 6

Favorite line: "I'm not safe, that's for sure. but maybe for the first time I'm wondering if I ever was."

This is like Hunger Games all over again!! And I don't mean that in a derrogatory way. CONTROL certainly holds it own, the story having a uniqueness despite the similarities. RIVETING!

Great hook at the end of chapter five. A few word substitutions to check: "him" for "his", "hope" for "help", "on" for "our". several commas missing in this chapter but nothing to distract from the action. Well done. Again.

SW

Have read first three chapters and am still just as impressed. Virtually no mechanical errors save the substitution of "scared" for "scarred". Excellent amount of tension and hook, characterization is masterful despite juggling so many characters at once. Gullin is super-creepy and I think I would have twisted his arm off if he'd been touching my abs!

Great work! Reading on...

SW

YIKES!!!! This is awesome. Watchlisted and highly starred!

SW
Devil Went Down