Astral Sea: The Pandora Project

You are going to do very well. You are an excellent writer and I can only wish that my style was as natural as yours. i couldn't find fault with the first couple of chapters and like the fact that you end each chapter with a hook (Something I try to do myself). I note that you have put up a second book and I fully intend to put that on my reading list on the back of this offering. Good luck going forward and I hope an agent or publisher snaps you up soon.
Kind regards
Mark

Such a natural dialogue. You write beautifully. I also love the song weaved in chapter one. I like how you open the story with what's happening with Devin and creating him as such a likeable and romantic character...its almost like we know something's coming...I really like Jane's character as well and the story that takes off in the next few chapters. This is simply really well written and I am sucked into the story waiting with anticipation what will happen next. I am sorry I have no helpful suggestions, I just wanted to comment and I will be backing soon!

Sara
War of the Wastelands

M.

Wow! Smooth, highly polished, and professional -- ready for the book shelves! I am so impressed with your remarkable writing talent as well as the story you have pulled from your imagination. You have created quite a futuristic world. Everything was thought out from world-reigning corporations to mass transit and air travel to breakfast food, entertainment, and even religion. You give the reader hope that civilization will actually somehow go on. I was quite encouraged to see just what may be.

Although your characters exist in the far future, they still have the familiar everyday voice and problems that your readers can relate to. They are so thoughtfully drawn - very believable. Despite her sometimes skeptical view, I came to appreciate Jane and no doubt, she will become the strong, no-nonsense force that will save the day or (her boyfriend and brother.)

Sarah seems too good to be true. And you raised my suspicions even more when she “froze” like my computer sometimes does when it can’t complete the task I request of it. I love the intrigue of the “robot” e-mail and of course, Adam’s limp body in the arms of a droid.

My only nit - I thought the chapters were a bit long. Only an opinion, but I think kids would appreciate the convenient break out points too.

M, I loved your story and I am sure this will go far! Six stars and best wishes!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Dear M. Fan,

ASTRAL SEA: THE PANDORA PROJECT was an enjoyable read. Before I go on to point out things that stood out to me, let me make it amply clear that I’ve 6-starred this book and already added it to my To-shelve-soon list. The writing was nearly flawless and the 3rd person omniscient works very well.

Space Opera has its own freedom and flexibilities that may be the defining characteristics of this sub-genre. I read both hard and soft sci-fi and also a lot of comics and graphic novels – what was immediately noticeable was the fact that the characters, the emotions and social dynamics were extremely life-like and contemporary, whereas the settings and plot elements were far too outlandish by comparison. Consequently, there were many things about this story that kept assaulting the limits of credibility, but I still found it rather difficult to stop myself from turning the pages. The elements of mystery and suspense and the frantic pace of the narrative were sufficient to ensure that.

Nevertheless, I did have trouble swallowing a few things, e.g.
# The prologue and first three chapters have all ended with great hooks, but contain too much back-story and narration near the beginning. A lot of it can be knocked off.
# Is it 4309 AD or some other era? Given that the story is unfolding not on earth but on the twin planets of Kydera Major and Minor, the length of a year also comes into question. Therefore, as such the year is of little significance.
# In a vast inter-galactic civilisation where its really no big deal to acquire a black-market Blue Tang and inter-planetary travel is as easy as taking a stroll into the next neighbourhood, is a riddle-solving robot truly a path-breaking innovation? AI technology is closer to reality than FTL travel if at all the latter is feasible.
# Interstellar telecommunication was portrayed as surprisingly simple.
# Throughout the piece, there are intermittent references to the Absolute Being (clearly the Kyderan equivalent of God), but in chapter 7, there’s this odd line as Devin thinks ‘God he hated that she was involved…’ – check.
# What are these interstellar tunnels? Are these wormholes? How are they generated? From the way it’s written it’s not clear whether they are man-made or natural.
# The part where Victor Colt gets killed by internal defences and Devin’s hologram or something is projected (by what?) needs to be better explained.

There are plenty of positives here – you’ve taken cyber crime to a whole new level, and that’s apart from the distinct characterisation and the nail-biting plot. So, in spite of all the stuff that I’ve written above, I’ve read 7 chapters straight and plan to finish the story soon. Judging by the rave reviews that it’s already received, I can see that Astral Sea is fast becoming a very popular book. Definitely, you can add one more name to its fan base. :-) Btw, are you planning some kind of series?

Best regards,
AGC

I read through the first two chapters and this is a fantastic story. I love the way you begin and end chapter one with the song. Science fiction is one of my favorite genres, and the way you set up your world is terrific. You have a real gift for imagery. As far as everything else goes, your dialogue is smooth and believable, the narratives are perfectly spaced and you make changing POV seem effortless and natural. All in all I can find nothing wrong and I look forward to seeing this one fly up through the ranks. Thanks so much for the read. Beautiful work on this one!

I put your book on my shelf to remind me to get to it next. I have read the summary and part of the first chapter but keep getting pulled in different directions. I hope to give a SF42 review when done. I like what I see so far and have highly rated.

This is the most difficult crit I've ever had to write. It would have been easy to walk away and say nothing. But, because my view is in such stark contrast to the majority of the crits you've received so far, I'm going to risk it and tell you what I really think.

Your prologue is nigh-on impenetrable. It's just too dense. I very quickly started to skip bits - which, obviously, is not good. I forced myself to go back and read from the beginning, and by the end of the prologue, things came to life a lot more.
You'd think having such a mass of detail at the start would allow the reader to become immediately intimate with Devin and Sarah. For me, though, there is too much blatant feeding of information.

What bothers me might not bother a lot of people. But I'm only ever going to purchase a book or recommend it to a friend if it's clear from the outset that the author thinks the reader (me) will be able to work a lot of things out without the need for quite so many pointers. The first few hundred words told me a lot, most of which I either didn't need to know or would have been happy to discover in more manageable chunks set out over the course of the novel.

You lost me a couple of times. An example: 'But now, waiting for Sarah to come home, he was starting to.' - I understand how that sentence is expected to work in relation to the preceding sentence; but what with the line break, it wasn't clear, it wasn't as smooth as it needs to be. It felt a touch clumsy. And while I doubt a novel has been written without the odd awkward prose moment here or there, the problem is that there are fewer good editors in the world than there are good politicians, so you and every other writer must become the best editor [of your own work] that you can be. If you're a gambler, leaving it to a publishing house to sort out the fine detail may result in success; more likely, though, it will lead to career suicide or significantly fewer sales than you would like.

The main characters. They are both likeable. Devin is confusing because he seems to have been involved in some sort of commando-type operations in the past, and now he sells financial products – the reasons for this transformation will have to be good (I'm sure they are), otherwise his history will start to read as very contrived.

Do I need to know at this point that BD Tech are more successful than Ocean Sky in all areas of company business except for news and entertainment? I get how that particular little infodump is designed to explain to the reader why Devin and Sarah are both at Ocean Sky's offices; and I also expect there to be some sort of corporate warfare going on; but, please, at all costs, avoid over-explanation and foisting words upon the reader that, while maybe true in the context of the story, add nothing, little, or just plain distract from the flow.
I often felt like I should be making notes – I don't read books to take notes, I read books in order to be carried away by the efficiency of the prose, even if the prose itself is beautifully verbose.
I think that's the main problem I have here: what you've written is too technical, and lacks heart. But heart is what you excel in. The gooey, gushy bits – you know, the lovey-dovey bits – I can see why they would appeal to the female reader. There is a definite sense of a powerful relationship hidden beneath the depths of the sudden backstory.
As for the Mills and Boon way they met and straightaway arrange their first date? Could happen, I suppose, but I didn't buy it.

I should qualify all of this by saying that, while I had issues with it, I found your prose to be much better than Amanda Hocking's, and about on a par with Stephanie Meyer. They've done okay. You can still do better.

By the time I got to the end of that opening chapter, I was annoyed because what went before didn't do justice to the intrigue that comes about at the pivotal moment when Sarah freezes. Something has changed. She's different. And she really is different: “We never talked about the future.” - Really? Words are powerful things when you implant them into the mind of a reader, especially when building character. So why was I previously led to believe, that at one time '...she had stared dreamily into the distance, envisioning the loving home she would one day have'?
See. You're describing two different people there. She knows what she wants. He knows what she wants. The doubt, on his part, should come from the question as to whether or not she wants it to be with him.
Otherwise, what we're left with is this: Sarah is: talented; a head-turner; loving and sincere; down to earth and seeks comfort over glamour; and yet either doesn't know or has not been bothered to discuss the future with the man she has been with for the last year? Even making allowances for the necessary contradictions that make up the female psyche, her character, at present, comes across as 'too' fabricated. Even if she's a robot, or if she's some kind of AI interface, she doesn't quite add up.
He doesn't quite add up, either. The moment when she freezes is wonderfully weird. And what does he do? He turns his back on her while he calls the emergency services. It may seem trivial to some, but readers build a fleeting picture in their heads of who is where doing what. Ask yourself, if the person you loved suddenly became inanimate, you might leave the room to try and get help; you might turn away to find your phone, or communicator, or whatever; you might glance around the room. But would you turn your back on them for any other reason? I wouldn't. I wouldn't take my eyes off them, just in case they moved or keeled over or something like that.

I'm not here trying to tell you how to write your book. Honestly, I'm not. What I want from you is for you to sharpen your prose to the point that every single word counts.
All crits come with the caveat that you must follow your own counsel. If your gut tells you I'm wrong about certain aspects, then it's more than ok for us to agree to disagree. If, however, you think I might be right, I would say all you have to add to your craft is better organisation of what information goes where. Because right now, while everything is there on the page, it's not delivered in such a way that it will be easily accessible to most readers.
You need to work on how you pace the novel. I appreciate there's a lot of 'setting up' and foreshadowing going on at the start, but at the moment it feels like too much of a task to read; which is a shame, because what shines through is the scope of your imagination. The novel has an atmosphere about it. I reckon you'll infuriate as many readers as you delight with the constant nods towards the conventions of the genre, but there is no doubt in mind that there is a story in there.

I've given the book three stars, which means I think it's good. Given the level of the competition you're up against, it needs to be outstanding.

Far from you being upset by the harsh nature of my feedback, I hope instead that you will employ the kind of self-confidence required to rise to that challenge.

a brilliant story. my highlight is the opening of chapter 4

M. sorry it has taken me so long to get to you, it is an oversight on my behalf. Your book with Jane as the main chaccter is a great story, even though I am not into futureistic ones. I found it to be very well written, there is no criticism i can make on it as I thought it was very well thought through and very well written. Have given you high stars and wish you all the best with it (not that you'll need it, the way it is written ). I'm sure you'll fly up to no 1 spot in no time.
Best wishes Brian.

Hello again :-)

Just read four more chapters (5-8, sorry it took so long had to deal with finals at school). I really like what you're setting up here. For some reason I was really enthralled with Commander Vega and hope to see more of her throughout the novel, she makes for a possible main character in a side/spin-off story or sequel. Also love the Seer. Very intriguing. I like how despite how advanced technology is in your setting the notion of spirit and psychic powers hasn't been tossed aside but rather incorporated.

Favorite scenes include:
-The tension between Jane and her father over her music. That whole banter between them over Sara being a better musician was explosive, and what I found so interesting was that her brother was willing to defend her, even at the risk of potentially offending his fiance. I really like the bond between Jane and Devin as a sort of power-sibling duo.
-Everything with Commander Vega. She's a real tough cookie that's become obsessed with chasing the enemy. Love the name and the whole notion of her.
-The whole revelation of Sara being cloned. Has a Blade Runner feel to it with the whole AI vs humanity thing. And considering Sara really is almost perfect it's really haunting.

As said before I'm so surprised this hasn't been published yet. I could see this as a movie or potentially a video game. You got a fabulous thing going here. Keep it up! :-)
Regards,
ViVi

Hi there,

The authonomy glitch seems to have been cleared up, so here I am for my part of the swap! Honestly, I could find little to critique, so what follows will probably seem like nit-picks, but I didn't just want to give a generic, three lined comment.

"Rich as emeralds" doesn't really resonate with me. It's an okay line, and everything, but I'd have liked it more if it was like...rich as chocolate. Haha.

Originally I thought Devin and Sarah's meeting was too perfect, but I see why now -- she's a robot or something, yes?

You use the word 'onyx' a lot. I know Sarah's eyes are black, but there has to be a way that you can vary this. "Twin onyxes" was used twice in the first chapter as well -- it's such a distinct description that I remembered you using it before.

When Jane is first introduced, I had a slight issue with her yelling at the alarm clock. I know it occasionally happens, but I never like when characters talk aloud to themselves, because it seems unrealistic. I have never talked ALOUD to myself -- in my head, yes, but never aloud. Moving on: I felt the rant against the alarm clock went on a little long. One shut up is fine. But there were like, five.

Hey, a woman president! :)

You have a very good handle on POV. It never wavers, which is impressive, because sometimes even the best of writers slip a little bit. Both POV characters (Devin, Jane) were completely different, but I thought I could tell that they were related immediately, even without reading the pitch. They have the same sort of quiet sarcasm and slightly self deprecating humor.

You leave each chapter on a very good hook, so well done in that respect.

As for more in-depth crit...I can only tell you, that I am not an avid reader of the sci-fi genre, so I don't think I'm qualified to comment in that respect. I can say, however, that the prose is confident, fluid, and didn't overwhelm me as most sci-fi novels tend to do.

Highly rated!

Melissa

Good opening. A little slow for my taste with the intro to Sarah, but the mystery at the end was intriguing.

You are going to do very well. You are an excellent writer and I can only wish that my style was as natural as yours. i couldn't find fault with the first couple of chapters and like the fact that you end each chapter with a hook (Something I try to do myself). I note that you have put up a second book and I fully intend to put that on my reading list on the back of this offering. Good luck going forward and I hope an agent or publisher snaps you up soon.
Kind regards
Mark

Good points: 1) avoiding cliche phrases to describe emotion, instead using better words like resplendant; bantering; remnants; delusional; ranting; tirade.
2) good sentence structure, nothing overdone to the point of distraction.
3) Referances to - 'What's the universe about', consequentially opening up beginnings of character development by it usage.

Workable points: First few paragraphs need clarity. You can describe who and why the tape played for and what reason revealed right away, or the reader has left half his mind stuck there.
There's more clarity later, but why are we caring. There's a vagueness persisting, better rearranging of character development in connection to their destinies would help that part of it.

Strong points: pretty girl.

Fine job. a well-written, clean manuscript that is a pleasure to read. I've finished chapter six and am still reading.

I have a few specifics at the bottom of this email, but nothing major . I do think the second chapter is long and a little slow. I'm not firmly hooked until chapter three. Good action sequence in the elevator.

Generally, though, I like it and will read more. High stars and on my watch list!

Mark

Xxxxxx

Now to specifics:

From chapter two:

Personally, she agreed with the critics of virtu-games. If you could enter a world of your own making, why would you ever want to leave? That’s why she had always avoided virtual reality—she was sure that if she ever got involved, she would end up one of those addicts, colloquially called virtu-ads, CAN’T YOU JUST SAY VIRTU-ADS WITHOUT EXPLAINING IT, RELYING ON THE READER TO GET IT FROM CONTEXT? IT’S THE ”COLLOQUIALLY” THAT I DON'T LIKE.

From chapter four

There was still much room for improvement, but Mr. Colt was nonetheless was proud of the work he had done with his son. . REMOVE THE FIRST ”WAS.”

Elizabeth Lin-Colt’s death still loomed OVER the family, but otherwise Devin’s past misadventures had become something of a joke Mr. Colt enjoyed complaining about.

She reached into her pocket and gripped THE stunner in it.

From chapter five

“Devin, don’t go!” she sobbed between gasps, feeling alone, deserted, as though he were already gone. “Stay, Devin! I’ll fix it, I promise! I’ll fix everything! Just stay!”

He was on the ground beside her but she couldn’t hear what he was saying over the commotion in her head.

“Stay, Devin,” she repeated, fighting with all her might to stop the tears. “I’ll fix it, I will. Please stay. Don’t leave me alone here. Don’t leave me behind…”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said softly, embracing her. “And you don’t need to fix anything. I’m sorry… I thought… I didn’t… I’d never abandon you Pony, I swear. I swear to you—I’ll never leave you behind.” --I think you need to do a little more here to show Devin’s internal struggle as he changes his mind, you know, a stricken look, an internal struggle. The dialogue’s fine, but some description here would strengthen things, make his change of mind more believable.

Hello, returning the read swap :)

I am so surprised this hasn't been published or given a license. This is absolutely A-MAZ-ING! I adore your protagonist. She's intelligent and a woman of action, Jane truly is an archetype for heroes! I love the intensity between Victor Colt and Devin, you have a really good rivalry (and now im gonna wind up reading further cause I wanna kniw what happened!). Sarah DeHaven is also compelling, so as I read I hope to hear more of her. I like the fact this is sci fi but not stereotypical, it isn't a run of the mill Star Wars but rather a futuristic look at humanity. I like the creative names, like Quasar Bank, Corsair, Paladin. Still retains that fantasy feel to it. Very polished work indeed! Only thing is the change of perspective, while good, is a bit jarring. Id add a title or header fo each time you change perspective, like putting in the location, date and time before you begin a new perspective. Otherwise this is awesome. Love it and will recommend it!

Hello, returning the read swap :)

I am so surprised this hasn't been published or given a license. This is absolutely A-MAZ-ING! I adore your protagonist. She's intelligent and a woman of action, Jane truly is an archetype for heroes! I love the intensity between Victor Colt and Devin, you have a really good rivalry (and now im gonna wind up reading further cause I wanna kniw what happened!). Sarah DeHaven is also compelling, so as I read I hope to hear more of her. I like the fact this is sci fi but not stereotypical, it isn't a run of the mill Star Wars but rather a futuristic look at humanity. I like the creative names, like Quasar Bank, Corsair, Paladin. Still retains that fantasy feel to it. Very polished work indeed! Only thing is the change of perspective, while good, is a bit jarring. Id add a title or header fo each time you change perspective, like putting in the location, date and time before you begin a new perspective. Otherwise this is awesome. Love it and will recommend it!

Excellent opener fan, I love the currentness of the book with the american Idol theme and Sarah as a contestant. I know this book will fly throught the rankings here on Authonomy. 6 stars for this very well put together and well written story.

Such a natural dialogue. You write beautifully. I also love the song weaved in chapter one. I like how you open the story with what's happening with Devin and creating him as such a likeable and romantic character...its almost like we know something's coming...I really like Jane's character as well and the story that takes off in the next few chapters. This is simply really well written and I am sucked into the story waiting with anticipation what will happen next. I am sorry I have no helpful suggestions, I just wanted to comment and I will be backing soon!

Sara
War of the Wastelands

This has received a lot of praise, and I can see why! It's one of the most well-wriiten I've read on the site, and I honestly think this is of publishable quality. If it was in a book shop, I'd probably buy it! The pitch is inviting, promising plenty of action and conflict; the characters are interesting; and you create a completely believable futuistic world. The writing style is enviably clear with no extraneous detail, and tension is kept at a high throughout. This is gripping, absorbing stuff- I've read the first four chapters and the prologue so far, and will be reading the rest as soon as I can. I have a feeling this will go far!
Emma

Hey just read some of your book it's really good. I'm not a fan of sci fi, apart from red dwarf( which i love). But with this it is blended in so well you don't really notice it . i couldn't see anything wrong apart from i got a bit confused at one point but later on it was explained away
Your use of description is well done, which is something i always look for.
Highly rated. Terence

Good cover photo, good author photo, but the writing bites - *no, just kidding*
Sometimes it's effective to hold back full explanation in a paragraph or sentence if it's quickly attended to in the next line or two. Doesn't work here though. Confusion at the start, but use of language is fine. Can't be best judge yet, only went half a chapter so far, but promise to give at least 5 chaps. a go.
Best luck, George

I read the first chapter, while I had some time and when it was finished, I didn't want to stop! This is the kind of book I could sit down and, no matter how long it was, I could read it until it was finished. And then I would try and take out a loan to pay someone to make it into a movie. Take that as a compliment!

Your writing is fantastic, your imagery brilliant and story (so far, at least) is amazing. I have a feeling that I will continue to enjoy this, right to the end! Science fiction at its finest, right here! Highly starred and will most certainly be back for more!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

Hi M,
there aren't any issues I can see with regards to your writing. Good grammar, great dialogue, and an assured choice of language make for an easy read. I particularly enjoyed Chapter 3. This is fast paced and exciting, and fits well into the genre. For me, the only concern I have is with the first chapter, and part of chapter two, where romantic relationships are the main issue. Though I have read a great deal of sci-fi, I'm not familiar with romance starting the show, nor in quite as much detail. I prefer less. It is particularly noticeable given the brilliant pitch, which sounds mega-fun. You will know better that me though whether others are bothered by this.
Great potential,
Scott.

Hi M.
I just dropped in for our read swap! Your story is very good, very well written. I like your voice and your style. Your chapters are long, but I think that is probably only a factor here. You have breaks in the chapters so if I were reading it on paper or as an ebook, there are plenty of places you can pause without issue.

The only think that I thought seemed incongruous with the story was the issue of robots. The place/time seem so technologically advanced, it seemes like robots are a no brainer. Perhaps I will learn more about this in the later chapters, but perhaps you could give some insight in the early chapters as to why there aren't robots? Are they banned? Was there artificial intelligence at some point that turned on the people?

Obviously the thing that happened when Devin asked Sarah to marry him was a hint, and Adam's parable about the Stone Giant also, but I think it could have used a bit more as to why robots would be shocking.

I did really like the scene with the robot though!
High stars!
Mindy
The Wishing Place
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42791/the-wishing-place/

SF42

Hi M,

I’ve just read the first three chapters of your book. This is a fantastic read – fast-paced, vivid and beautifully crafted. You have a lovely writing style, a great command of language and great characters. This must be heading for the ed’s desk! Below are a few comments about a couple of areas that tripped me up, but they’re all relatively minor and, of course, just my opinion.

Ch 1

‘Her response would change his life forever…’
I had trouble with the two paragraphs that begin at this point. I’m assuming they’re omniscient, but I didn’t work that out until I reread this chapter and on the first read they stuck in my mind as something that just didn’t gel with the rest of the story. I thought he must be deep into some sort of scam that meant he had to marry her to achieve some other, nefarious end. It really threw me for a loop when that sort of thinking never came up in the remaining episodes where Devin worries about whether Sarah will marry him.

Ch 2

‘But Devin had already pulled’
Doesn’t Devin work at Quasar, too? This makes it sound as though he just stays on the train and keeps typing out his message. Won’t the train leave?

Ch 3

‘for even in the darkness’
Is she in the dark? Somehow I didn’t picture this. She seems to have been able to see metal bars and handles and conduit openings in the elevator shaft without any trouble and she’s only just inside the conduit now (I thought) – and seems to be able to see the manual control panel fine. When did she move so far down the conduit that she was completely in the dark?

‘wandering down the dimly lit’
‘wandering’? I pictured her scrabbling along on her hands and knees. Wandering seems a little too calm and relaxed - and upright.

‘Devin knew how dangerous they could be’
Who are ‘they’? I thought we were talking about No Name – a single entity. An ‘it’. Even though you mention that the Networld assume it could be a company (this is also singular btw) or a group of purists, Devin – and Corsair – know this already and yet they still think of No Name as ‘it’. Don’t change it to ‘they’ just because you mention a group of Net purists.

This is a fantastic book, beautifully written and executed. You have my backing. I’ll try to read more when I have the time. It’s a great story – and complete, which is a real bonus.

Sue

Great story! Great writing! Wonderful descriptions. What can I say? Very, very good! Can't wait to see it in the bookstores, which I'm sure is your future. Thank you for posting it.

Drew
The Eyes of Tokorel

you weren't kidding about the long chapters, but you also made them interesting. just reached chapter five, and i'm comfortable keeping this in my watchlist for the long haul. i'm hoping devin didn't actually add patricide to his wrap sheet but i'm sure i'll find out eventually.

a great read thus far, my only drawbacks dealt with jane's personality flaws. but as i've only read a portion of this story so far and i sense a lot of development for her on the horizon, i see no reason at all not to rate this book highly.

I read your prologue and first two chapters.

General comments: A thoroughly entertaining start. Jane is an admirable central character. You make excellent use of deep point of view to flesh her out. Thought-provoking narrative. Well-crafted descriptions. Good world building. Superb tension. Swift pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) 'According to the time, he'd been waiting 37 minutes.' Spell out numbers 1-99. There are more cases where you should spell out numbers 1-99.
2) 'Devin was scarred' is telling. Consider showing this important emotion as it develops. Same thing with 'Devin was starting to panic.' Consider describing the onset of his panic so vividly the reader will experience it along with Devin. When you do this, the reader will be plunged deeper into the scene.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'she groaned into the pillow.' Capitalize 'she.' You can't groan dialogue.
2) 'But she felt guilty as soon as she thought it.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her gulity feeling as realistically as possible so the reader will experience it along with Jane. By doing this, the reader will be much more involved in your scene.
3) "Come on Jane, you're smarter than that.' Comma after 'on.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
4) A superb end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) "It's broken or they it shut down or ... " 'They it shut down' should be 'they shut it down.'
2) "JANE! Are you okay?" There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use Italics or an exclamation mark (which you did) to emphasize words. There are more cases of writing in all caps.
3) "It's here," she breathed, staring at it. You can't breath dialogue. Consider using a different dialogue tag.
4) "Okay Jane, listen carefully." Comma after 'okay.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas.
5) Right after Jane escapes, consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.
6) 'Jane was getting extremely agitated' is telling. Consider showing the onset and development of her extreme agitation. By doing this, you'll plunge the reader deeper into the scene.
7) Another superb end of chapter hook.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

On the writing: great grammar and structure, not one typo. However, I think it lags a bit in the narrative early on. While the poetry in your prose is appreciated, I think you can lay off some of the grandiose description of Sarah. There are only so many times I can read a character described as having any gem-like qualities before I want to vomit (and this piece named at least four just in the prologue).

I know she's hot stuff. I know her voice is as rich as chocolate fondue, that her skin is like warm satin under his fingers, her lips shine like lust itself, her legs contain every ideology that ever led a young man astray. I don't need you to reiterate several times the same descriptions because I know as soon as we find out that Devin is in love with her that this is what he thinks and feels about her. Because he's in love.

I also assume that pop tarts are tasty and attractive--just as much in the future as they must be now because they not only have to sound good but look good while they are sounding good.

I don't need to know the exact time of your story so none of that bothered me within respect to your science; however, the wormholes through space (ever so conveniently placed between habitable star systems--I'm assuming on purpose) are more advanced than riddle-solving AI.

Don't get me wrong, AI is freaking awesome and opens whole huge doors for science fiction and human life so I'm not knocking AI, but we'll be way beyond riddles way before we get to moon-sized worm holes.

All that to say that I look forward to reading more and still definitely think you've got a leg up on Phoenix. Your narrative is coherent and easily read as well as suspenseful. Plus, you've got a lurve story Kudos :D

M.

Wow! Smooth, highly polished, and professional -- ready for the book shelves! I am so impressed with your remarkable writing talent as well as the story you have pulled from your imagination. You have created quite a futuristic world. Everything was thought out from world-reigning corporations to mass transit and air travel to breakfast food, entertainment, and even religion. You give the reader hope that civilization will actually somehow go on. I was quite encouraged to see just what may be.

Although your characters exist in the far future, they still have the familiar everyday voice and problems that your readers can relate to. They are so thoughtfully drawn - very believable. Despite her sometimes skeptical view, I came to appreciate Jane and no doubt, she will become the strong, no-nonsense force that will save the day or (her boyfriend and brother.)

Sarah seems too good to be true. And you raised my suspicions even more when she “froze” like my computer sometimes does when it can’t complete the task I request of it. I love the intrigue of the “robot” e-mail and of course, Adam’s limp body in the arms of a droid.

My only nit - I thought the chapters were a bit long. Only an opinion, but I think kids would appreciate the convenient break out points too.

M, I loved your story and I am sure this will go far! Six stars and best wishes!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

SF42 Review

Prologue (Autho: Chapter 1)
- I have to say that although I’m not a fan of your style of writing so far, I’m still drawn into your book.
- As much as I’m drawn into your book, the dialogue and meeting between Sarah and Devin really bothers me. It doesn’t seem natural to me.
- While your description is well written most of the time, it can sound a bit forced. The first instance of this is “her eyes lighting up like sparks in opal.”
- Something still really bothers me about this book so far. The dialogue and relationship between the two seems too forced. I’m getting the impression she isn’t as she appears to me, but the scene still bothers me. I feel you had an opportunity to flesh out Devin much more with this situation.

Chapter 1
- I never used to have a problem with it, but I’ve read so many books that start chapters with dreams/characters waking up, that it’s starting to lose its effect on me and almost becoming cliché. That’s just me though. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still compelled to read. The writing is good. It’s the content that bugs me. I can forgive one for the other. Most of the time.
- The news about the games not being addictive, I’m not sure that would hold up. That argument is around even now with things like Second Life, and even Farmville on Facebook. I can’t see people arguing against it so far into the future.
- Musical composition. I think that’s something many people forget about when they write about the future: music. It’s such an integral part of cultures, and something that sets cultures apart from each other. I’m glad you brought that in! If anything, you could go a bit more into detail about some of the instruments during the little fantasy of her standing before the orchestra.
- I’ve definitely gained a better connection with Jane than I had with Devin, and I’m not even finished the chapter yet.
- Bah! You had me so well! The whole conversation with Adam, and even her internal dialogue was awesome! And then you go back to the forced dialogue. “Hey Adam, do you still want to date me?”
- I think you have an amazing character in Adam. He brings a depth to this book, which definitely adds to my compulsion to continue reading. I much prefer him to Devin. Even just with this lunch time discussion, you’ve brought in so many elements to the world you’ve created which makes it extremely believable.
- Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think at this point I want to keep reading just for the chance to read more about Adam. But as I said, with this character, you’ve been able to draw in so many elements about the culture.

Overall, I like this book. It’s well written, with very few errors (if any, I didn’t notice any). I’ve already made notes about what bothered me, so I won’t talk about them again. I don’t want this to sound like a negative review. Your book gets right into the main idea, because at the end of the 1st chapter (the 2nd Authonomy chapter) we have Adam being kidnapped, so it moves at a good speed with tons of information about the world.

You pull in ethical and moral issues which you do extremely well. I hope you’ve kept that up in the rest of the book (of course, I’ve only read the first two chapters). My biggest issue is the character of Devin, and some of the dialogue. I felt as though Adam was the most real character, while Jane and her brother speak with forced lines. And Sarah. Why couldn’t she be kidnapped? Oh well. Good job!

- Nichole

Hello M. Fan,
I enjoyed this story, its setting, and your characters, especially Jane Colt, although mostly because of her equine-derivative name. I am just crazy about horses. Will there be any horses later in the story? Regardless, six stars, a four-leaf clover, and a rusty, old, good-luck horseshoe for you, plus a possible spot on my bookshelf next month. Now, I must saddle up and continue to comb the site for stories about horses. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH.
Sincerely,
ILoveHorses

Dear M. Fan,

ASTRAL SEA: THE PANDORA PROJECT was an enjoyable read. Before I go on to point out things that stood out to me, let me make it amply clear that I’ve 6-starred this book and already added it to my To-shelve-soon list. The writing was nearly flawless and the 3rd person omniscient works very well.

Space Opera has its own freedom and flexibilities that may be the defining characteristics of this sub-genre. I read both hard and soft sci-fi and also a lot of comics and graphic novels – what was immediately noticeable was the fact that the characters, the emotions and social dynamics were extremely life-like and contemporary, whereas the settings and plot elements were far too outlandish by comparison. Consequently, there were many things about this story that kept assaulting the limits of credibility, but I still found it rather difficult to stop myself from turning the pages. The elements of mystery and suspense and the frantic pace of the narrative were sufficient to ensure that.

Nevertheless, I did have trouble swallowing a few things, e.g.
# The prologue and first three chapters have all ended with great hooks, but contain too much back-story and narration near the beginning. A lot of it can be knocked off.
# Is it 4309 AD or some other era? Given that the story is unfolding not on earth but on the twin planets of Kydera Major and Minor, the length of a year also comes into question. Therefore, as such the year is of little significance.
# In a vast inter-galactic civilisation where its really no big deal to acquire a black-market Blue Tang and inter-planetary travel is as easy as taking a stroll into the next neighbourhood, is a riddle-solving robot truly a path-breaking innovation? AI technology is closer to reality than FTL travel if at all the latter is feasible.
# Interstellar telecommunication was portrayed as surprisingly simple.
# Throughout the piece, there are intermittent references to the Absolute Being (clearly the Kyderan equivalent of God), but in chapter 7, there’s this odd line as Devin thinks ‘God he hated that she was involved…’ – check.
# What are these interstellar tunnels? Are these wormholes? How are they generated? From the way it’s written it’s not clear whether they are man-made or natural.
# The part where Victor Colt gets killed by internal defences and Devin’s hologram or something is projected (by what?) needs to be better explained.

There are plenty of positives here – you’ve taken cyber crime to a whole new level, and that’s apart from the distinct characterisation and the nail-biting plot. So, in spite of all the stuff that I’ve written above, I’ve read 7 chapters straight and plan to finish the story soon. Judging by the rave reviews that it’s already received, I can see that Astral Sea is fast becoming a very popular book. Definitely, you can add one more name to its fan base. :-) Btw, are you planning some kind of series?

Best regards,
AGC

This is so easy to read, it flows very well and the narrative is polished. I am able to get a good picture of your subjects and their surroundings. You have a true page turner here, a pleasure to relax with.

Tracy (Odd Dwellers.)

Astral Sea. I cannot fault your pitches or your cover, and although science fiction is not my chosen genre, I am drawn to your story.

ch.1. A lovely opening, with the verse.
Do you want nits? Try avoiding multiple adjectives (city's tall angular buildings, silvery rectangular touchscreen). You dont have to have an adjective for practically every noun, which can bog the reader down. They are more effective when sparse (less is more), and your writing would flow even better.

Some words to avoid, thereby also fine-tuning the flow: seemed to, beginning / began to, currently, only, about, infinitely, even, just, still, really, also, suddenly, started to, probably, finally. (Ch.2) often, apparently, accidentally, awkwardly, eventually, actually.

And, by the same token, the past pluperfect tense is cumbersome to read (all those 'had's).

That's enough of nits for now - I'm becoming drawn in by Devin's dilemma, which you describe admirably from deep inside his point of view.
And the meeting with Sarah is beautifully one. 'He knew he shouldn't be staring...' 'her eyes lighting up like sparks in an an opal.'

But if you eliminated the 'had's in the ensuring paragraphs, it would flow so much better -

If anything, the waiting is drawn out a tad too long?

If you think about it, Devin has repeated his misgivings about Sarah in several different ways near the end of the chapter. Wouldnt just one subtle hint be enough?
And the final verse is fitting indeed.

Ch.2. What wonderful, dreamy writing.
Perhaps you should also do a search on commas - tiresome, I know - but one or two are out of place: 'up until university she had been studying diligently.'

Good technique, introducing back-story and creating the environment for the reader while Jane gets dressed and reacts to the news.
And you sure know how to leave a compelling hook at the end of your chapters.

Hope you dont mind all the suggestions - you did say you wanted constructive crits!
You weave a cunning plot, and can bring your characters alive amid vivid imaginery background scenes.
Your story deserves to be perfect. We all have to edit, and re-edit.
I look forward to constructive crit, and possible support of mine.
Multi-starred.
Jane (Breath of Africa).

I read all of the book last night. This was one of those books I picked up and just couldn't put down. The characters are so well drawn they fly out of the pages.

I think the first initial hook was the prolog, with Sarah freezing. Devin was so in love with her it hurt, and then he starts to get uncomfortable. Through his eyes, the reader gets to see how she is just slightly off kilter and just too good to be true. It is like she has another organ in her body and it is called an agree-ery.

I did wonder about Adam before he was outed. There was a passage about no real humans being replaced, but there he was, in his crate. I also love the way he is still religious after his discovery. Amazing job making an AI a well-rounded character.

Highly stared and is going on my WL.

Hey,

I loved the opening to this ms and how after a few paragraphs I feel like I know Devin. I also really like how you almost nonchalantly describe the futuristic settings.
This line was brilliant, "...the sirens song of passionate impulse."
I feel like a parrot spouting superlatives upon your writing but it really is that good. I like how seamlessly you incorporate the characters inner monologue into the narrative. I have a lot to learn myself it seems and I could do with that in my own writing.
I am at a loss in how to help you improve this ms :S
All I can say is that I really liked this as a beginning and wish you all the best with it. I will add more at a later date when I manage to read the rest.

Charlie

SF 42 feedback

An excellent story although the short pitch didn’t grab me. I managed 3 paragraphs in one sitting, something I usually find hard to do reading on a computer screen, and couldn’t really find anything wrong. Perhaps the pace slows a little too much in Chap 2 for a little while under a lot of detail but it soon picked up and from then on romped along.
Very clean MS re typos, etc. (only one mistake in Chap 1 see below)

Prologue
Very engaging and ends with a great hook to keep you reading. Very clean of errors
Chap1
Bit bogged down in detail a little at the start but finished well
- She listened for machines whirring || She listened for (the ) machines whirring
Chap2
Excellent action, really catapulted the reader into the story but the section with the counselor at the police station seemed a little week. Not sinister enough to have us feel that she was part of it and not believable enough for me to think she had been taken in by a cover up done by someone else – bit in-between-y :-)
Chap 3
The killing of the father is a good twist! Will be back for more.

High stars and congratulations on great work.

Andrew
A Fatal Misuse of time
Short pitch: Ever tried waking up yesterday instead of tomorrow? That is just the beginning of Tristan's troubles as his life is hijacked to reveal the future.
(Not a time travel novel really, more a mystery/philosophy comedy :-)

SF42 Review,

Hi M. Fan, a k a, liberscriptus,

You've delivered a convincing sci-fi world with realistic characters and cool near-future gadgets, including proxy robot drivers and more (what year is it supposed to be again? Did you say? Sorry if I missed it). I think Chapter 2 is especially strong, starting with when we meet Jane and hear her thoughts on the VR and gaming industries, the addictive allure of these technologies, and how Jane is more into the old-fashioned "virtual reality" of daydreaming. I was slightly confused between the two women (Sarah and Jane) for a minute because both were characterized as old fashioned in some way and both were involved in musical entertainment of some form or the other. Only when you explained that Jane was jealous of Sarah was I certain we weren't talking about the same woman. This chapter ends with tension and that should entice readers to keep turning the pages.
Some nitpicks:
Autho Chapter 1 suggestion: Introduce Devin's name where you first say "he," instead of a few paragraphs down as you do. Same chapter--is there any difference between "started to take off" vs. "took off" when it comes to Sarah's career? I don't think so, so maybe give that a second look.
Again this is just my personal taste, but consider making the chapters shorter. I hear many readers say they prefer short chapters in which they feel they can read just a little more ... until before long they've consumed the entire book.
Good work, this is among the most convincing sci-fi worlds I've encountered on the site. Highly starred.

Dean

SF 42 Feedback

M,

I've read the first three Authonomy sections (the prologue and the first two chapters). Your writing is of a very high standard. Good clear sentences convey the story really effectively. For me, the story gets moving in the 3rd section when Adam is kidnapped. Jane's escape from the clutches of the robot is truly exciting.

I presume there's good reason for the prologue not being chapter 1. There doesn't seem to be a big time difference and the style seems the same; I guess it's because it's written from Devin's POV. Is that enough to make it a prologue? Dunno.

I've scribbled down some thoughts as I've been reading. There may be something useful hidden in here. They may sound a bit nit-picky but they're honestly intended to help.

Bookcover – Good cover. First reaction is that this is written for a young male audience. I'm thinking a space adventure with a Lara Croft heroine. Is that what you're aiming at?

Short Pitch – The hook isn't strong for me. I'm wondering why Jane Colt is being hunted if it's her brother whose been framed.

Long Pitch – Presumably Jane can report the crime, it's just that they don't take her seriously. The ending to the long paragraph is the best line. I'm wondering what her loved ones are hiding.

Prologue
Excellent writing to open. Although I thought the sentence starting 'Every rational instinct within him....' had too many hims/hads to flow nicely. I only comment because it's so close to the start and is therefore quite prominent.
A lot of the prologue is devoted to Devin waiting and reflecting – waiting for Sarah so he can pop the question, waiting for his manager's approval, waiting at Ocean Sky HQ. In my mind it created quite a slow pace to start with. I might be in the minority but I'd like to feel a bit of physical pace. Maybe it's just the word 'waiting' gets me in the wrong mind-frame.
Concepts of money, computers, the weekend...all seem a bit too 21st Century in contrast to the worm-hole technology they've been using.
My picture of Devin is a bit muddled. On the one hand he seems stunningly boring but on the other hand there's mention of guns held to his head and arsenal's exploding around him.
The dialogue around Devin asking Sarah out on a date feels a bit awkward.
'He loves you Devin. He wouldn't (care) if he didn't' – Is 'care' the right word? Isn't it about his father being so interfering.
There's a lot of description about Sarah's beauty and smiling. If some of it were pruned I personally wouldn't mind.
I like the end of the prologue. My impression is that Sarah's a cyborg and the story is going to explore issues relating to Artificial Intelligence. The 'pop idol' reference (manufactured pop stars) reinforces that idea.

Ch. 1
'Hey Adam, is your offer still valid' – sounds like a supermarket coupon offer.
Commuting to work doesn't seem to have changed much. Surely the trains will be running on time in two thousand years?
'Even though she knew she was early....' Couldn't make sense of that paragraph.
Wouldn't Jane be flung all over the place when she approached Devin in the super fast train and it's acceleration away from the station?
Again, the slate sounds too similar to an I-Pad, I-Phone or I-Something-or-other.
'I seriously wonder how they haven't managed to replace me with a computer yet.' - I was thinking the same thing. 'Copypaste – pulldata' sounds ideal for an automaton.
'The afternoon passed uneventfully as any other...' This para. drops the tempo of the story.
What are the chances of Jane arriving at the exact moment the robot is hauling Adam out of the window? I suppose we all do it.

Ch. 2
This is my favourite chapter. Full of excitement. I love it.
The counsellor’s reaction may lack a bit of credibility. Work stress leading to an imagined kidnapping of Adam doesn't seem plausible. Also she says 'You probably wandered around the area while in a blacked out state' – I thought she'd earlier said Jane was not in the building.
The POV switching is working very well.

Hope you take something useful from these comments. I do like the story and your writing is excellent.


Gareth

SF42

This is really good! I read the first three chapters and dipped into the rest at random just to get an idea of how it all comes together. The story flows well and the characters are generally well developed, particularly Jane. The future setting works well, though it was difficult to get a grip on how far ahead it was meant to be - a vast interstellar civilisation suggests the far future, but a lot of the daily-life stuff doesn't - and I suspect that in reality AI technology will be realised long before FTL travel (if the latter ever is!).

A couple of minor points: First, Devin isn't described at all until Jane does it in chapter two and I found it hard to picture him in chapter one - perhaps you could have him contemplate his reflection in the screen of his slate or something like that? Second, there are some odd phrases here and there - "...clubbed upside the head..." - but I assumed that's because (like most books on Authonomy) it's not the final, polished version.

Apologies for the short review, but in truth there's not a lot I can add in the way of helpful criticism - it's already one of the better-written stories I've found on Authonomy! The shadowy net-based resistance group is a very hot theme and the story resonates well with current affairs. I would buy this!

All the best,

Steph (Hollow Moon)

After two chapters I feel drawn into your narrative. Your subtle style engages us in a future world which few of us can imagine; thanks to you, we can see the possibilities. But in that, the events in your story remain plausible and exciting. I shall read some more to unravel mysteries that are being revealed. Well done and best wishes for your success. Tony Clark author of THIEVES' GATE.

SF42
M,

Wow!!!! I’ve only read the first chapter so far but I love it! Great premise, awesome pitches, fantastic dialogue. The flow is smooth and you are a master at evoking images. I’m not really qualified to comment on grammar and the like but below are a few minute things I noticed as I read through.

“The night had ended without a kiss but a promise for another, which had ended with a promise (of) yet another…”

“She was also just as busy as he was, and far than being irritated or saddened by his lack of spare time…” I’m not sure if this is supposed to say something else? Is it a UK thing?

“Devin was still reeling, still thinking about how stiff she had been, how empty her eyes (were).”

Seriously amazing work, I can’t wait to keep reading. I was totally transported. (:
Six stars from me. I would absolutely buy this if I saw it in the bookstore.

Bre,
Memoria

SF42
M,

Wow!!!! I’ve only read the first chapter so far but I love it! Great premise, awesome pitches, fantastic dialogue. The flow is smooth and you are a master at evoking images. I’m not really qualified to comment on grammar and the like but below are a few minute things I noticed as I read through.

“The night had ended without a kiss but a promise for another, which had ended with a promise (of) yet another…”

“She was also just as busy as he was, and far than being irritated or saddened by his lack of spare time…” I’m not sure if this is supposed to say something else? Is it a UK thing?

“Devin was still reeling, still thinking about how stiff she had been, how empty her eyes (were).”

Seriously amazing work, I can’t wait to keep reading. I was totally transported. (:
Six stars from me. I would absolutely buy this if I saw it in the bookstore.

Bre,
Memoria

SF42
M,

Wow!!!! I’ve only read the first chapter so far but I love it! Great premise, awesome pitches, fantastic dialogue. The flow is smooth and you are a master at evoking images. I’m not really qualified to comment on grammar and the like but below are a few minute things I noticed as I read through.

“The night had ended without a kiss but a promise for another, which had ended with a promise (of) yet another…”

“She was also just as busy as he was, and far than being irritated or saddened by his lack of spare time…” I’m not sure if this is supposed to say something else? Is it a UK thing?

“Devin was still reeling, still thinking about how stiff she had been, how empty her eyes (were).”

Seriously amazing work, I can’t wait to keep reading. I was totally transported. (:
Six stars from me. I would absolutely buy this if I saw it in the bookstore.

Bre,
Memoria

SF42
M,

Wow!!!! I’ve only read the first chapter so far but I love it! Great premise, awesome pitches, fantastic dialogue. The flow is smooth and you are a master at evoking images. I’m not really qualified to comment on grammar and the like but below are a few minute things I noticed as I read through.

“The night had ended without a kiss but a promise for another, which had ended with a promise (of) yet another…”

“She was also just as busy as he was, and far than being irritated or saddened by his lack of spare time…” I’m not sure if this is supposed to say something else? Is it a UK thing?

“Devin was still reeling, still thinking about how stiff she had been, how empty her eyes (were).”

Seriously amazing work, I can’t wait to keep reading. I was totally transported. (:
Six stars from me. I would absolutely buy this if I saw it in the bookstore.

Bre,
Memoria

The exciting Astral Sea is more Firefly than Star Trek, dark and dangerous to behold. It has action, is has interstellar space, it has romance, it has deadly danger, it has poetry… what's not to like?

The story's well written, the dialogue is smooth, the scenes are well set, and the plotting appears excellent. It reads easily (which means the author worked hard to make it so). This is excellent science fiction.

I highly recommend it.

This is so beautifully written. It flows effortlessly and is so easy and enjoyable to read that I got lost in it. Great hook at the end of the first chapter; I couldn't resist reading on after that.

I only noticed one minor typo:

He retrieved the engagement ring bequeathed to him by his mother and then went Sarah's apartment.

Should it be: and then went to Sarah's apartment?

No other complaints whatsoever with this, you've done an excellent job. Well done and all the best with it.

SF42

Very impressive work. I read up to the end of Chapter 2 (your chapters). What I liked best was the character of Jane. She started out as flaky daydreamer, and then someone with a habit of ranting at people, which seemed a bit incongruous until I read on and the two aspects of her personality melded together well in the subsequent dialog and action. It gave a distinctive sense of her personality - something you don’t always get in these sorts of action-based stories.
Sarah and Adam on the other hand I suspect of being robots (they both seem suspiciously perfect) - am I right? I guess I will have to read on to find out :)

It is very polished so there was not really much to critique. Oddly, the only issues I did find were in the prologue
“Her response would change his life forever - but not the way answers to proposals should. What she would do after those words were spoken would open his world to a realm of deception, one that would turn each tender moment they’d shared into a mocking grin from the past.”
Is this something Devin is thinking at the time? - or is it foreshadowing? If the former, that is OK - the way the scene is written from Devin’s perspective it should only contain what he already knows - so the implication is, he already knows that he is in for a “realm of deception”.
But if it is you the author foreshadowing, then it doesn’t really fit.
A few paragraphs later is the line “Suddenly, it hit him.” - Would a thought like this really hit suddenly at just this time? (You already had “She was going to make it; he was certain of that.”) It might work better if you replace it with a (pre-existing) feeling of trepidation, or something like that. Save the sudden realization for the proposal idea, a bit later on.
Also, the Sarah character seemed very wish-fulfilment perfect, like something out of central casting. I liked the line “Always four minutes late, no more, no less.” It suggested a quirk, that there might be something more going on behind the scenes. A bit more like that might have dispelled my reaction. (On the other hand, if she is a robot and you are doing it on purpose, then it is fine as it is.)

“That’s why she avoided virtual reality like the plague.” - Cliches too are to be avoided like the plague.

The action scene in Ch. 2 was very seamless - kept me in the zone the whole way through. The only possible glitch was Devin’s being able to remember a part number NT0731 off the top of his head. It didn’t really bother me, but it might irk some readers. I know you promise an explanation later, but it still seemed a very specific thing even for an expert to remember. It occurred to me that, this being the future with ubiquitous information, you could have him look it up on his computer - use it to add a bit more suspense when the computer doesn’t come up with the right information straight away. Or something like that. Just a thought.

loved your prologue and the first two chapters. your writing flows beautifully. Happy I found this highly starred on my watchlist.

Swap for Sunkissed

I'm a big fan of science fiction so I was really excited to read this as your synopsis really intrigued me.

I like how you start with the rhyme, it sets and eerie tone which I felt worked really well. The story was fast paced, which was appropriate, and I was easily drawn in to the narrative and enjoyed reading through it.

Sadly I don't have time to read all that you've wrote, but I'm adding this to my bookshelf so that I can get back to it another time : ) You are clearly a very talented writer, thank you for sharing your work with me.

First chapter review.

The storytelling is excellent. The narrative flows easily and carries the reader along on the crest of a wave - what will happen next? A quality all good first chapters share. At no point does the introspective nature of the chapter become a problem as it so often can: quite the opposite, in this case! The author skillfully weaves the protagonist's internal monologue into the plot arc, engaging the reader with the character while simultaneously revealing a new and exotic world, almost as though the fantastic backdrop were a sideshow to the main event... will she or won't she? This is the hallmark of all good writers. They place character first and understand that it is good characterisation that drives a story and hooks the reader, not Hollywood special effects.

I will certainly continue reading. Very well done.

EDIT: I returned to read more... always a good sign!

In the finest traditions of SF, you turn the gaze of the future onto the present with a probing, critical and satirical eye. It is often the case that only by couching the argument in furturistic, or fantastical terms, can one draw the attention of the reader to the idiocies and frustrations of the present.

The characterisation throughout is extremely well realised and credible. Jane, in particular, feels so real it's almost autobiographical. Her words have a strong feeling of truth, and her various reactions and opinions build a realistic and balanced character.

Highly starred!

I'm not usually taken by surprise with plot twists, but you managed it.
Congratulations, you've written a real book, which will sit on my bookshelf.

Dear M Fan

This is really great stuff! I have read the first three chapters of "The Pandora Project" this morning, and no-where have I felt any sense of strain. I am only stopping because i need a rest from the screen.

You have a very vivid imagination which manages to combine fantasy and realism wonderfully well - all the details of life feel familiar, plausible, yet there is everywhere the tinge of unusual colouring...very well done. I love that strange, other worldly mix, which feels well thought out, mature, but never laboured or heavy. Really excellent.

Your characters are wonderful. Realistic, humorous, bored and funny, just like us. The whole parade of emotion is on display and cleverly observed. Your dialogue really zips along! I consider that your dialogue scenes contain some of your best writing, beautifully paced and tense. Very well done.

There is an ease in your writing, that makes it a pleasure to read. Just something about all these aspects that manages to combine in a very rewarding read.

As if that was not enough, your story is intriguing, with lots of strands to keep us interested. The frame up is quite a common thriller device, yet it never feels overused here. Your writing is spare, allowing us to draw our own horrified conclusions. I like that, because we buy into the story and want to keep reading. There is a creeping paranoia in the loss of a link to police station, for example, and in the subsequent boredom of the authorities. And all this time, an ordinary girl with no special skills is well aware she is not mad....great stuff.

If I have one suggestion, it would be to trim and condense some of your earlier narrative paragraphs, particularly those dealing, for example, with Devin's precarious mental state? In chapter two I noticed a series of three paragraphs that could perhaps be condensed to one. You could perhaps introduce an example from Devin's student days, to show the reader why he has vulnerabilities, instead of telling us. These examples will become easier to spot with editing.

A thoroughly intriguing and rewarding read. I shall sprinkle it with lots of stars and read on. Meantime, take care, and keep writing!

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-))