Waiting for the Rain

Shaun,
I REALLY ENJOYED chapter 18. I just like the way it is written. It is fun!
This chapter is a bit like something you would find on the cooking channel.
Never get rid of this chapter.
I will be back to read your two other new chapters.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I love the short pitch, and the long pitch was also very different from what I’ve read before. The prologue certainly raises a few questions for the reader, and slipping the descriptions of the characters in early worked well. I love your descriptions – they raise up such perfect imagery (“a tint similar to a mythical mermaid’s tail”, “viciously salted”). The fair is a great setting so start the narrative, and the rodeo and other elements really add to the atmosphere. It runs through the story, which I liked.

I love Bree and Mackenzie’s friendship – believable girls (all of their friends are) – and her dad is a funny character, who clearly loves her. You really get into the right mindset for teenage readers. Mackenzie’s inner monologue gives the reader a deeper sense of her. Mackenzie is clutzy and cute, and A.J is a good other half – very mature in terms of respecting her. Bree’s family is interesting to read about (a repulsive house and non-very-attractive characters with too many pets and not enough money), and you make some good points about that kind of family.

The pizza making class was a really cute, original date setting, as was the picnic on the roof, and I like the chemistry between the characters. I loved your inclusion of texts – it keeps the other characters involved, and breaks up the narrative. Including the times also made the texts seem more real! I wanted to kill A.J for his nonchalance about wasting so much fuel, but he comes across as a typical young American in that respect. Everything all the characters do is very fitting to their age, and the details about school in particular, really get the reader into that mindframe. The relationship is very PG-13, considering the characters are 17 and 19, but I thought it was sweet.

The variation in focalisation works really well, and I liked reading from multiple points of view. Description is a strong point for you – you can evoke very strong images for the reader, and really draw them into the story. Your style of writing is also simple and enjoyable. A clearly written narrative that flows really well and kept my attention. There was some funny and enjoyable dialogue, and you have created an entertaining story! Good luck with this!

Good writers advise writing about the weather, but good writers haven't bumped into Shaun Holt. Shaun pulls off the weather quite magically, thank you.

The author excels at characterisation. Instantly, I liked Asia with her snappy explanation how black folks run a concert: You get your butts in your seats because the show's starting.

The author is also great at lean description. Without much ado, we learn Bree's family isn't wealthy and that the narrator is athletic but occasionally clumsy.

And sometimes the description is poetic: "hair as dark as a moonless night," or this line: "I never doubted there was misfortune in the world, and Bree never gave up the idea there was hope."

It's a great story and I back it.

Hey

I have read the first two chapters, and I really liked it. It is simple and true of this age-group. Everything that has happened so far ties in well. When they were at the fair, the awkwardness and embarrasment as she spoke to the lad. All spot on! Yes I tend to agree about the imagery (another reader has mentioned the mermaid's tail description), and it was going to be my first point. Very good. Even when cooking the dinner is first discussed, and the feel of the meat - exactly like thoughts of this age!. i would say maybe a tad over-descriptive as regards to cooking the chicken, but that is the only thing that sticks out to me. Very good. I will keep reading when I have got through this quickly growing reading list I seem to have promised!

5 stars, wl! All the best, Lee

Hi Shaun,

I really enjoyed this. It has a nice YA feel to it, with good pacing and nice characterisation. You’ve carried off the first person POV really well. I’ve made a few notes for you. Feel free to use what you think is appropriate and toss the rest.

Prologue
This is really good. It sets up an interesting scene and makes us wonder what on Earth has gone before to lead to this point. Especially the last sentence.

Ch 1

1) ‘groaned a dark-skinned teenage girl’
I thought this was just a random girl in the crowd. It wasn’t until three comments later, when Mackenzie addressed her by name, that I realised Mackenzie knew her. Maybe say ‘groaned my friend’ or ‘groaned Asia’ (We know she’s not white, because she says, ‘That’s the problem with you white people.’
If you feel you need to state that she’s a teenager, you could incorporate it at the point where Mackenzie describes her).

2) ‘you needed cheered up’
should be ‘you needed cheering up’ or ‘you needed to be cheered up’

3) You change tenses a few times through the story. As most of it seems to be written in the past tense, I would recommend that you stick with that.
eg. ‘As I sip the raspberry lemonade…’
Should be, ‘As I sipped the raspberry lemonade (as we haven’t yet been told that she has a raspberry lemonade, ‘the’ should be ‘a’ or ‘my’), I thought I heard my name called from afar (you could eliminate ‘from afar’. ‘Called’ suggests the caller is some distance away). While I scanned the area for familiar faces, I began to set the cup down in the seat beside me, forgetting that I was on the end seat of the bleachers. I dumbly watched my drink fall to the ground. (I would change where the last comma and full-stop go, as I’ve done here. If she’s watching her drink fall to the ground, she’s probably remembering (too late) that she’s on the end seat, but if she’s reaching out to place her drink on a non-existent seat, then she’s forgetting.).

4) ‘It’s Bree Thatcher’
‘It’s should be ‘It was’

5) Unless the middle-aged man at the hot-dog stand comes into the story again, I’d be inclined to eliminate his description. Otherwise, we expect him to play a future role and he won’t.

6) ‘A Seattle Mariners t-shirt tucked into his pants’
Should be ‘A Seattle Mariners t-shirt was tucked into his pants’

7) ‘the soda that I managed to save’
past tense again. ‘the soda that I’d managed to save’

8) ‘out of line following me’
should be ‘out of line and following me’


Great first chapter. Gives you a feel for Bree, Asia and Mackenzie. I really like the way you begin with weather, when it’s been such a major part of the prologue. I also like the way you end with the guy, but he’s a really minor part – not even named.

My younger daughter would love this story. Well done.

Sue

Hello Shaun,

I just finished reading Waiting and I love it!! I love how Cody and Asia interact! Favorite parts in the book would be the phone conversation between Mac and Asia, Mac & AJ's pizza date where Cody steals the ladder, the waterfall scene, oh and the scene with Dusty & Macs father! I love it!! You can't forget the kiss scene either :) Love the book, can't wait to read Columbian Death and German Derelict :)

Well, I've read for over two hours, and have gotten through five chapters! This is really great, and I'm glad you've posted the whole thing now.
My comments:

Chapter 10:
The only thing I noticed wrong was that her father liked “isle” seats—missing an A.
I loved the cooks’ showdown with the knives!

Chapter 11:
Asia’s “Racism”
Is it possible to express it some other way? Racism has so many bad connotations. What about something like “Asia loved to speak disrespectfully of all races, including her own” or something of the sort. She is not racist; racist is having prejudice against one or more other races. Asia isn’t prejudiced, just outspoken.
I don’t like Rachel—she’s stuck-up!
Cody stole the ladder??!!
“Dusty…applied no pressure or squeeze…gentle squeeze”: rephrase to be less confusing as to whether he squeezed or not.
“Displayed the Seattle Mariners logo”: just say, “…teal, with the Seattle Mariners logo”
Horseback riding? Now I’m jealous of her…
Yes, you’re right, I loved the waterfall scene! It was really good that they could be alone like that and still hold their promise—most kids aren’t that strong nowadays.
The Ackley place is just the sort of home I’d like someday; the description of it was great.
The conversation with Asia at the end had me laughing a lot! She’s so funny…
This is definitely my favorite chapter so far!

Chapter 12:
“dress…materialized”: Materialized gives the idea of showing up out of nothing. Perhaps you could pick another term.

Chapter 13:
Asia and Cody are a hoot!
“I scoffed; glad we did not mess up…” why did she scoff? What was wrong?
Rain at last—yeah!

Chapter 14:
What? HAIL?

Chapter 15:
I was surprised she didn’t know what mayonnaise was!

You seem to be hitting a stride with your writing, and it's much cleaner and easier to follow. This is such a good story...
~Hannah

good descriptive, first person narrative along with your dialogue works very well for your book.
backed...
SEASONS...

Hi Shaun,
I read the first two chapters, and I promise I will come back and read more, but I wanted to give you my first impressions.

For young adults, I think they will love it. Your language is on cue and you talk about the things that they care about. I think it is very down to earth and your writing style is very fluid.

This is just my opinion, but I would get rid of the prologue at the beginning of Ch 1. I think openings that give (almost) everything away underestimate the reader and make reading the rest of the book pointless. Why would I read a book when I know exactly what is going to happen? I've always liked a little mystery and intrigue, even when I was a teen.

Watch for cliches. Cliches will get your ms thrown in the rejected pile faster than you can say cliche. There aren't many, but I did notice a few..."devil may care attitude" "big heart" "rotten egg game" things like that.

I did enjoy reading the first couple of chapters, and I look forward to reading more!

Frith,
Kayla Shaw

Shaun,
the new chapters are very intense. I can't believe all that is happening though I did see it coming.
The tenseness of all of this really moves the story onward.
Good work.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi, Shaun! I've read another chapter! I really enjoyed her New York trip, and hope to be back soon to read more...
Just a few comments:
Chapter 9:
“Eat up”: add comma after
“Egg yoke”: “Yolk” is correct.
“We have you sharing room”: I think you meant “a room”
“the woman had straight dark maroon”: maroon what?
“in the light revealed them olive”: delete “in”, add “as” or “to be” before “olive”
“That is what we are known for”: “That’s what we’re known for.”
“I did not except dorm rooms”: Should be “expect”
“It is all just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo”: “It’s all…”
“Short and wide-shouldered, his nose was short…”: Too much short!
“A thin neck with her Adam’s Apple protruding”: I thought women didn’t show such things??
“crept me out”: for feeling creepy, the term is “creeped”—at least that’s the term we use in the South.
“instructor wearing a brown apron”: It sounds like Sarah’s wearing the brown apron while looking. Try “Sought out the instructor, who was wearing…”
“Okay its tender enough”: Should be “Okay, it’s tender…”
“Slice the other rest”: ?
“Peaked inside”: should be “peeked”
“He is the one who took me here”: should be “brought”
~Hannah

I greatly enjoyed the first two chapters. Just the kind of book I'd like to read while lounging on the beach. Well written Shaun.

Sarah (Falling Again)

This is a delightful story with a wonderful premise. So romantic! Title and cover are lovely too.

The Prologue provided an excellent 'tease' that really made me want to read on and I liked the idea of having three very different girls as friends, their individual voices really come through in the dialogue.

In Chp 2 and beyond, the cooking bits are unusual and interesting, though you mention twice in that chapter that her mother didn't eat the dish last time she made it, kept it in the fridge and then threw it away.

I had a few niggles, but feel free to ignore them completely!
1) The first line of your short pitch sounds a bit too much like sermonising. You might be right, but the interesting 'hook' is the second sentence, and the impact of it is spoilt by the first. It's like you're mixing politics and romance, fine, but not in the short pitch! Long pitch was great.

2) The prologue is fantastic, but then Chp1 & 2 felt a slight let down for me. There was a tad too much description and back story in Chp 2. And it didn't always feel like it was Mackenzie's voice - particularly when you describe the house in such detail. We can buy in to the fact that she's a teenager interested in cooking, but it's a little too much to have her interested in interior design/gardening/architecture as well which we have to assume as we are in her POV and these things are all described in intimate detail - even the species of tree!! It's like she's a mini Martha Stewart!!!

3) This is related to 2 - the vocabulary sounded a little too grown up/formal for Mackenzie. You start Chp3 by saying, "Consciousness began to replace my restful slumber", which doesn't feel like a teenager to me. I understand that you're trying to make her a little different to the usual female teenage heroine, but it felt unbelievable, also e.g. "Mother was complaining about her forthcoming appointment with a chiropractor" and "we had grown accustomed to her" all sound too formal.

There were some lovely bits though, I love in the first paragraph in Chp 2 the line about Bree losing her shoes and throwing Mackenzie's purse into the neighbours garden. These playful bits were lovely, showing the easy relationship these girls have with one another. I also loved Asia as a freewheeling foil for Mackenzie and all the jokes and laughs they have together.

5 stars from me,
all the best,
Sharda.
We were doing a reading swap, so please take a look at mine when you have the time. http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Dear Shaun,

I really like the idea of this book. I think it is something that teenagers would appreciate, especially at an age when first kisses are like magic. This is written in a way that is young-adult-friendly. Rich with dialogue and emotion.

I think there's some specific editing/revision needed. I like to take notes as I go.

Prologue
~ "...like an army on the verge of routing."
This simile is not relatable to most and draws us away from the scene to picturing a battlefield: For instance, "trembling like leaves tapped by fat raindrops," is a way to keep the metaphor relating to this story in particular.
~ "Combined with..." This sentence is not clear; what is combined?
~ "like a defendent..." Again, this simile is a quick snippet of another plot; the most effective metaphors are images with similar qualities; relate a quality to a quality, not an action or story to another action or story
~ "layer of water" Water does not form a layer, it soaks in.
~ "If I knew my relationship..." This sentence is a bit muddled. The relationship ended up devestated and getting soaked? Saying it this way pinpoints the inconsistency. I understand what you are trying to say, but the second part doesn't keep the subject of the sentence consistent with the first.
~ "...how totally a relationship..."
The adverb "totally" shouldn't be so separated from its verb "ruin." Keep "totally ruin" together.
~ "You could get a gauge..."
This isn't the most fitting, succinct way of saying this. I don't think one would normally try to gauge the unpredictability of the weather, but the weather's unpredictability might be evident. Suggested fix: "The weather was ever-changing throughout the day, evident in the various attires at the Puyallup Fair."
~ "...groaned a dark skin..."
At first it seems like the narrator doesn't know this girl, but she does.
~ "...she could be relied upon to cheer you up."
Awkward and passive phrasing. Fix: "...you could count on her to cheer you up."
~ "She possessed...." Not fitting word usage. "Possess" means "owning or mastering something," and you would never say, "She owned blue eyes." It is used when something was acquired. "She had..." is fine.

I hope these suggestions help! I look forward to reading further! :)

-Cassandra Porter
(Love, Death, or the Gift of Happiness)

Hello! Decided to take a squint at your book as I'm a big fan of YA/Teen fiction. Well, the non-vampire kind anyway.

I think you've got a great premise here and so far Mackenzie is coming off as a well rounded, interestin character. Her voice throughout is great and the whole things fits well with the general style of this type of book. You've also got some great characterisation in her friends, and some neat turns of phrases that show you're a strong writer. I think with a little polish this will be great and I'll be following its progress. I'd actually like to shelve it, but I've literally just filled my shelf for the first time (I'm a newb!) so I'll add yours when I rotate!

Just a couple of little things I noticed in chapter 2 (read to 3, no other edits!) - you switch to present tense when Mackenzie is drinking her lemonade, but everything else is past tense.

How does she know A.J is watchign her walk away right at the end? Makes sense for third person, not so much for first.

Hi! I've had time to do two chapters, and I hope to do more later. I loved it, and the problems are mostly editorial stuff. :)
Chapter 7:
“Mother looked embalmed”: great term!
“Well let us go inside”: Add comma after “well”; it’s not really a part of the sentence “let’s go inside”
“I do not like”: “don’t”
“I asked A. J if it looked normal”: Add a period after J
“This is the big city, country boy. Here we make our own fries.”: What a delightful and unexpected comment!
“Two sisters, Clair and Erica”: The next time you say Clair, you spell it with an E, then back to without, then back to an E. Which is correct?
“Okay let’s see how fast…”: Add a comma after Okay.
“Leafs”: Spelling should be “leaves” (Leafs is only proper when saying “the oak leafs out in May”)
“Cheddar”: Add a period.
“I scooped the fries out of the fryer with a large fork, and…” no comma here.
“dinning room table”: Only one N for dining….
“want to drink Josh?”: yes, it looks funny that way, but it’s literally what you’re saying…add that comma!
“drinks into the dinning room”: again, only one N, not a double.
“The inside is tastes fine”: I think something’s missing here.
Missed the rain? Classic!
“Well I am going to work on it”: Yes, another comma after Well.
“band-aid”: A brand, so it should be capitalized.
Chapter 8:
“Sorry Mrs. Cook”: Add a comma after “sorry”
“The ball was held for a moment.”: “was held” slows down the action. Try something else.
“Mr. Summer’s desk”: Later on, you’re spelling it consistently as Mr. Summers. So the possessive should be “Summers’s”.
“liked to wear boots over dress shoes”: How exactly can that be done? Sounds interesting…
“I scoffed excitedly, and said”: If she is speaking sarcastically, it will be plainer to leave out “and said”.
“Well I think…” Add a comma after Well.
“No, its three…”: “It’s” with an apostrophe is correct here.
“Panic set in, as”: No comma here
“got together with that ape”: How cruel of her mother! Does she not even have the decency to refrain from calling her husband names to their child????
“plane settled onto the runaway, and…”: “runway” shouldn’t have an extra A, and there shouldn’t be a comma here.
“The peas were soggy, and…” No comma
“The ground drew closer, and…”/ “The wheels touched down, and”: in both of these sentences you don’t need commas. Actually, since they are in the exact same form, you might consider changing one for variety.
“The hotel was large, as excepted, and elegant…” Shouldn’t that be “expected”?
That large a hotel room in NY? It must have been a five-star!
“its no Tacoma”: Apostrophe in the it’s!
Hope the comments are helpful!
~Hannah

Hi Shaun,

Here as part of our swap and I've just finished chapter 5. Unfortunately I have to stop because my toddler has occupational therapy in fifteen minutes but I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed this! Wonderful story, honestly, I would purchase this book if it were in stores now!

I'll be back for more! Highly starred and saving some space on my shelf for it early next week!

Ashley - The Vedeine Saga: Deception

I have read chapters 7 and 8. It's going really well, and the story is building in a very interesting way. What a surprise the trip to NY was! I certainly wasn't expecting something like that to get in their way. Great job!
~Hannah

Hi, Shaun, I put 'Waiting for Rain' on my watch list, although romance & young adult aren't really my genres. It is lively and well written and I can imagine a large group of young readers who'd love it. I like the idea of getting away from the current popular teen-sex model. I plan to read more and give more specific comments when there is time, thanks much for the comments on "Polly".
Anne

Hi Shaun, I just started reading your book, and enjoyed the way you write. Also I like that you have paid attention to good grammar and punctuation. I'm sure it would be an enjoyable read for young people and I wish you good success.
I would like to make one suggestion. I had to read nearly all the prologue before I found out what was happening. You could change this just by moving two sentences.
"All my dreams, my whole life, had come crashing down on me. Hope was gone, and I felt completely alone." Start the prologue with this, and your readers will be plunged right into the story.

23 and 24 are very good chapters.
I like things are leading up to things.
Still they're laid back and easy to read.
Good work.
Can't wait to read more.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

19-22 are very fun, lighthearted chapters. Just the whole feel of these chapters makes you sit back and enjoy them.
The excitement of the cooking is enjoyable but not intense, which I like a lot.
Also it makes the reader a bit hungry when reading all of this. ;)
Very well done.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shaun,
I REALLY ENJOYED chapter 18. I just like the way it is written. It is fun!
This chapter is a bit like something you would find on the cooking channel.
Never get rid of this chapter.
I will be back to read your two other new chapters.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Shaun,

I stopped by to revisit Waiting For The Rain., reading chapter four and five. I really loved the description of Bree’s family and home situation. Bree’s family may not be perfect, but it is home and I appreciate the fact that the Mayor’s daughter does not hold it against her friend.

The thing about your writing that impresses me are your consistent truthful observations. For example, the first paragraph of chapter five Mackensie’s thoughts are so very authentic as she considers her possible relationship with A.J. and again, later on she tries out the sound of her first name with his last name. You are very in tune with a girls thoughts. Are you sure you’re not a girL? Or maybe you’re simply the next Nicholas Sparks.

Back to chapter four, maybe you said how old Bree’s brother, Jacob, is in the earlier chapters but when you wrote a “a high-pitched reply of a ten year old boy,” I assumed Jacob was ten. But then when you later wrote that Jacob’s school passed out condoms and that Bree’s story kept him away from girls for four or five years, I was a little confused and thought that surely he must be older than ten.

It was nice to hear A.J‘s. point of view although it’s placing took me by surprise. I love the innocence of this story and the comfortable dialogue between A.J. and Mac. You do a great job with that.

And the setting of chapter five… well, I am a country girl and my book is about a boy and girl and what happens at the fair, so of course, I think it‘s perfect. I give you a bunch more stars and promise a future shelving!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

I'm finally doing another chapter! I really enjoyed this one. Actually, this time you have more commas to get rid of than add--I guess you thought I'd never say that! Most of my suggestions this time are for rewording.

“sixty forty”: should be “six-forty”
“What are you talking about”: comma after “about”
“a cold shower would just make me want to punch the wall…” great line!
“I went into the kitchen”: in this paragraph there are way too many comma-ands. Reword your sentences.
“he then said”: instead say “he continued,”
“Why don’t you just bring him over”: should end with question mark instead of comma
“I looked at Dad”: another paragraph that can use some work. In fact, I’ll do a sample rewrite: He gave me a sly smile and a wink before leaving the kitchen/dining room to get ready to drive me to school. When I finished breakfast, I put the dishes in the sink and left the room to get [fetch, grab] my backpack. Today it was wonderfully light, as the teachers had kindly given out minimal weekend homework... Something along those lines would flow better…and even eliminate a few commas! :)
“we got to the school, and”: this sentence and the next have the exact same construction. Change one.
“Built some forty years back”: this grammar is on the edge of being bad. Play it safe and put the age of the building after the first mention of the words “high school”: The high school, forty-odd years old, had recently undergone…
Hmm! What a description of Miss Cook!
“Tending to wear her curly hair in layers”: putting it this way makes me wonder if Mac was the one trying to wear the poor woman’s hair in layers! Put the characteristic firmly on Miss Lewis’s own head…
“Once figuring out what behavior…”: say “Once I figured out”
Mr. Bias… wow, I’m really enjoying these teachers!
“desks similarly needed replaced”: either “replacement” or “to be replaced”
“One, Josh Smith…”: don’t separate “avidly” from “aspiring”: Josh was the most avidly aspiring chef among us.
How were Josh McCoy’s eyes ambiguous? Describe them further.
“the two Josh’s”: should be “Joshes”, no matter how funny it looks.
“On this day…”: try saying instead: Today we had a guest speaker named Rick.
“Rick possessed…”: use a simple “had” to describe his hair, and delete the comma in this sentence.
“Mrs. Graham…had green India green eyes…”: too much green?
“elective class replaced English, and taught..”: No comma after English; “had taught” is better
“I laid on Bree’s bed…”: Lay, not laid.
“Calm down Bree”: Add comma after down

I'm still enjoying reading this. Of course I'll come back for more...
~Hannah

This seems like it fits nicely into the YA genre. It's difficult to make teenagers interesting, since they naturally have a more limited scope in personality and ability to move about freely (school and parents are anchors :) but you work nicely with what they have to offer.
Mackenzie's parents are interesting...dad is funny and mom is obviously having an issue...
I never say this, but I think you could ease up on the formality of the dialogue between the girls. 'I'm" is a perfectly acceptable substitute for "I am" or 'I'd' instead of 'I would' when it's a teenager speaking. I do, however, appreciate that you don't go wild with slang or name calling, as I've seen so much of in the YA books on this site.
There are places where the girls come to life on the page, and places where the writing feels a little stiff (the description of grass in the sandals and the blow by blow description of the cooking), but I'm only on chapter three so generally I find that writers start warming up a few chapters in. I look forward to reading more.

I really like this story. Good visuals; pulls you making you wonder what is going on; believable characters; easy to read. I have had your book on my bookshelf for a while now and I hope you will get a chance to read and comment on Journey to Freedom and The Chamber. Thanks and keep up the good work.

K Meador
Journey to Freedom/The Chamber

That is sooo romantic. I love it that he vows to wait until it rains to kiss her. Your characters are believable and interesting. The pace was good. Your dialogue rings true. The friendship between Bree and Mackenzie (don't know if I spelled that right) is interesting to read. I enjoyed this so much that I am putting it on my shelf at the end of the month. Quite frankly I didn't think I would enjoy it because it says above that this is literary fiction. But I really did enjoy it. Good work.

First of all, I've got to say that I love the title. It's dreamy and romantic, and as a teen I would have picked up the book for that reason, and then I would have read the short pitch and headed straight to the library counter. (I didn't buy books in those days.) As a teen, I would have loved the idea of waiting to kiss and as I grew up a Christian I'd have loved a book that covered the theme of resisting temptation.
Oh - but no - as soon as I saw the word "prologue"I thought, uh oh! I don't like prologues. And I definitely don't think you should give away the ending straight away here. Let us discover it for ourselves! That'll be part of the suspense and the raeson we keep reading.
By the way, you don't need to say that Asia is dark-skinned, because her words show it - "that's the problem with you white people" and also careful wtih phrases like "near my height at five foot ten... we..." both parts of the sentence (grammatically) should refer to the same person. So it should be something like "near my height... she had been my friend since..." I also wonder whether you should introduce the characters a little more slowly since it's a lot to take in all at once.
Hope all that is helpful - if not feel free to ignore it! But I do feel this story has lots of potential - and its subject makes a refreshing change - if I was looking for a book for my teenage daughter I'd much rather go for this than vampires!

Hi Shaun. Here to return a read.
The prologue is very compelling. It makes me want to read more and find out what happened between these two people. I wonder if you could put even more emotion into it, show more of what Mackenzie is feeling inside, give us more of AJ's facial expressions/body language. They don't speak, but there must be some silent communication going on between them. I found the description of what they are each wearing a little tiresome. I found myself wondering what the point of that was-does it have any real bearing on the story? Maybe it is her favorite blue shirt, or her favorite color on him, which could make her feel even worse since it seems like this relationship is ending. Toward the end of the prologue, she opens her arms to him, and then the next two paragraphs pulled me out of the narrative because she starts thinking about how she didn't know it would end this way, etc. I'd rather see what AJ does. Does he come to her, or does he turn away? If he is waiting for the verdict, then it seems like maybe he did something to ruin things. If she opens her arms to him, wouldn't that be a reprieve for whatever it was that he did? Since we don't know what happened, we need some clues as to who is at fault, if anyone, and who is the one who needs forgiven and who will do the forgiving or the sending away, if that makes any sense.

Chapter 1
You did a good job of introducing the girls and their relationship to each other, though I was a little jarred by the way you introduce Asia. First she is a 'dark skinned teenage girl' which made me think she was some random stranger sitting next to the narrator. If they are friends, introduce her as a friend. I think you could cut back on the character descriptions a little. Their looks are too defined. Give us a few features, but let us fill in the rest. The same goes for clothing descriptions. Unless it is important to the plot, it doesn't need to be there. It makes your narrator sound like she's obsessed with clothes. I think the walk to the concession stand could be tightened up a bit. You give a lot of detail about the little girl with the cotton candy and the woman with popcorn who follows her which isn't really needed. They are just passing through, part of the scenery, and don't need that much description. The wait in line was drawn out too. Maybe while they are waiting Mackenzie can look around and you can put some of the atmosphere/smells/description there. When she runs into AJ in line, again she is very interested in his clothing. She can even tell us what number is on the back of his shirt. As the girls walk away, Mackenzie is somehow aware that AJ watched them leave and didn't take his eyes off her, though she points out in the previous paragraph that she turned around to see where she was going. The last line in the chapter tells that AJ watched her disappear into the crowd, but she would only know that if she was still walking backward. That sort of thing would work in a third person point of view, but not in first person. Maybe she could get the sense of being watched rather than knowing that he is watching her.

Obviously these are just suggestions, though I would really think about rewording the last part when she is walking away. One other thing I noticed about the prologue is that all the paragraphs are relatively the same length. They look very uniform on the page. You want to vary the length of your paragraphs, just as you vary sentence structure and length. It helps with flow and readability. Especially in such an emotionally charged portion of the narrative, having uniform paragraphs makes it look robotic almost. Just a thought. Hope this is helpful.

I've enjoyed the early chapters and will read more later! You have some really clever touched, like describing the weather through the clothes and accoutrements the people arrive with and Dad's mood through his clothes. It's brilliant that a man can write so well as a young girl, great empathy shown. I wondered if the prologue was a bit heavy on adjectives but I really liked the hook at the end and the way you get the romance started so fast. Good stuff.

Shaun,

I am so impressed that a guy could write a book like this. You must have a lot of sisters to know about painting fingernails, cooking chicken alfredo and making your characters chat on like real live girls. I really loved the dialogue in chapter three. It sounded very authentic.

Okay, well I’m going to go back to the beginning and share a few of my thoughts and my opinions, if that’s okay. Now remember, this is strictly my opinion and I am not an expert by any means. So please take or leave it.

Your prologue does well to let the reader know what that something tragic has happened to end a relationship. But I think the description of what Mackensie and A.J. is wearing distracts from the emotion of the scene. At that point I don’t think Mackensie would care what she or her boyfriend were wearing. If it’s essential that the reader knows the guy is country, You could open with something like “I stood on the sidewalk, my breath coming in short erratic bursts. My cowboy waited on the steps…” And farther down you might say. A.J. stood helpless like a thrown bull-rider awaiting the beast’s final blow… Just my opinion.

In chapter one you do a great job with the rest of the descriptions. They are subtle enough to not sound deliberate. You give the reader a wonderful sense-around experience of the fair - sights, sounds, smells, atmosphere.

And as you introduce each character the reader gets an initial impression just as if we were meeting them in real life.

I’m guessing chapter two serves to show us the lifestyle that Mackensie is raised in and perhaps you may later contrast that to her cowboy‘s life. Is that right? In chapter two we get a glimpse of the inner workings of Bree and Mackensie’s relationship, which I trust will be important as the story progresses.

Things pick up in chapter three with another encounter with A.J. and a date to look forward to. Even though the humor and familiar chatter is really entertaining, (I laughed out loud when Mackensie tripped) that promise of romance is what will keep your young adult audience turning to chapter four.

Shaun I really loved what I read. You have a great thing here, especially since you are going to keep things innocent. Highly starred!

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

Chapter Three:
Good start. Love the description of Bree, I could picture her waking up well.

“Well, when your boyfriend lives in another town,” she said fragmentally.
I feel the fragmentally really isn’t needed. It kind of contradicts in the dialog, which isn’t really fragmented.

“She groaned, “Petting zoos and cotton candy. I can’t wait.” I love this. I feel like I relate to Bree very well.

You keep the Mac’s mom’s personality very consist. Great job with that.

Great description of the karaoke guy.

I like Asia as well. She’s very vibrant. “Hey, it’s not my fault God graced me with this set of luscious lips and stimulating voice.” ~ This is great characterization. You’re really getting into the stride of these character’s in this chapter.

“The long-awaited Rachel Evan had come”~Great line.

“She was tall, about my height, making Bree the shortest of our little circle of friends.” The fact that Bree is short has already been mentioned, I don’t think the reader needs a reminder.

““Why not? You’re in charge of this friendship, aren’t you, Rachel?” Asia retorted.”
I find this such a strange thing to say. Maybe just, “You’re in charge.”

I like the gossip between the girls, it’s very true to life.

I love Asia’s reaction to the black bull rider.

I also like that you show how clumsy Machanzi is just here and there throughout the story.

Bree’s appearance while Mac is talking to AJ is funny.

The conversation after was great. It captures each of the girls well, and it’s true to life, once again.

Chapter Four:
“Bree went into my room, thinking she had a mission from heaven to pick the perfect outfit for me.”
~Another great line!

Bree sure has a lot of purebred dogs for someone on welfare…I don’t find that believable. (The purebred part.)
I like that in Machanzi’s head she uses the names she comes up with for the dogs. It’s a nice touch.

“Knowing her brother was using, undoubtedly making a mess, upset her.”
You’ve already shown that she’s upset by that groan she does at the beginning of the paragraph. Doesn’t need to be explained.

The interaction between Bree and her brother is a good one. You capture this family well.

“Since Bree and I met in first grade, there was an instant bond between us.”~ I swear I’ve been told this in the early chapters.

I like that you included a description of how Bree’s room was when she was little and how it morphed into what it is now. It shows how long they’ve been friends.

Machanzi gets pretty preachy towards the ends of this, and I’m just curious how she knows Tristan had more kids to increase the amount of help she gets.

Over all, this story is getting better. The plot is building up some and the characters are really starting to sparkle.

Hi Shaun, I came across your book on someone else's shelf so thought I'd have a look. I've only had a chance to read the first few chapters but really liked what I read. The prologue was suitably desperate for me to want to find out what had brought the characters to that point. The writing is tight, dialogue authentic and some excellent characterisation. I can't really fault it and will come back to read more. Highly starrred and on my watchlist for future shelving.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

I really enjoyed this chapter! There wasn't much for you to fix; the only thing was that a couple of your quotations had missing comma/periods at the end, and the sentence about the pizza boy as Mac is approaching the pizza place is a little awkward--"Holding the..." Try rewording it.
The rest of it was great! I loved the making-pizza scene, and the discovery of the stairs after all that work climbing up. The chemistry between the two of them is really good. They're doing a great job of getting started on the challenge to show their love in a more old-fashioned way. If they succeed, they're sure to have built a more lasting foundation to their love.
~Hannah

Read to 17 and it is still a good story.
It flows really well and builds up for whatever comes next.
However there are a few things you could 86 just to make it a little easier read for some of the readers.
There are a lot of great ideas for this book that you've created.
Good work, and keep pressing on.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

This is really good. I've reached the end of chapter four and could easily read on. You have an easy-going style which is a pleasure to read. Imagery is excellent. And for all their flaws, the Thatcher family are an interesting bunch. Each character shines with an individual personality. I think this is excellent. BTW, Brits use single speech marks :o) US use double.
I'll be reading on at some point I need to know what happens to AJ and McKenzie. Oh and BTW, I do hear a hint of Nicholas Sparks! All good.
Best of luck with this
Sue

You write like a poet! Your imagery is very descriptive, giving the reader a great sense of what's going on using all the senses. A.J and Mackenzie's first meeting does a good job foreshadowing the chemistry between them. I did spot a few things to mention.

Chapter One: In the paragraph that begins with "As I take a sip of raspberry lemonade..." tenses were switched.
And when the MC observed, It's Bree Thatcher.--tenses were switched again.
Also, in the first paragraph of Chapter one, the word rain was used 4 times, fair-3 times, and sun-3 times.

Thank you for inviting me to read your lovely story!

Eden

Shaun,

I'm really impressed with your writing. I read the first three chapters and couldn't find a thing wrong. Very polished writing, smooth and professional sounding. Your descriptions are exceptional, your dialogue natural. I like Mackenzie, Bree, Asia, and Rachel. Can't wait to find out what happens between Mackenzie and A.J. I'll be back to read more after I'm caught up on my other readings.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Waiting for the Rain
Prologue – use of first person here makes this emotionally charged and hooks the reader, as Mackenzie observes A.J.

Chapter 1 – good use of colloquial dialogue. It’s the little details that bring characters to life and you do that very successfully with Asia – her Devil-may-care attitude and witty one-liners make her seem real.

The paragraph about the grass doesn’t seem as polished as the earlier part of the chapter. You could edit that down to something like…. As we walked along, I inhaled deeply, enjoying perhaps for the last time before spring, that sweet smell of freshly cut grass. But you’re right, there’s nothing else that’s a better signifier of the end of summer……..

You’ve really captured the atmosphere of a fair – it is an assault on the senses – the crowds, the smell of hot dogs and cotton candy (I know it as candy floss). Mackenzie and A.J.’s meeting over a spilt pizza seems very realistic.

Chapter 2
I found the difficulties experienced by Mackenzie in finding real friends to be very believable and I think many YA readers will relate to that. In the chicken prep scene the strongest and most important part is the conflict between Mackenzie and Bree. As some other commentators have noted, occasionally there’s a little too much information and there was in both the chicken prep and cooking scenes because they don’t add to our knowledge of the character -but that’s nothing that a good edit can’t solve.

However, the small observations about the father’s rumpled clothes are important because they do add to our understanding of the kind of person he is.


Chapter 3
The banter between the girls is very believable, the description of the bull-riding just underscores to me that there’s a strong sense of place in your work.
And Mackenzie tripping up at the feet of Pizza Boy did really capture those awkward teenage years.

Am impressed by this – particularly the sense of place and the characterizations. I think it is something that the YA readership will really enjoy. Yes it needs a bit of an edit but then so does a lot of other work on here need that too. Highly starred and on the W/L.
Alison (Lambert Nagle)
Revolution Earth

very very good...

I love the short pitch, and the long pitch was also very different from what I’ve read before. The prologue certainly raises a few questions for the reader, and slipping the descriptions of the characters in early worked well. I love your descriptions – they raise up such perfect imagery (“a tint similar to a mythical mermaid’s tail”, “viciously salted”). The fair is a great setting so start the narrative, and the rodeo and other elements really add to the atmosphere. It runs through the story, which I liked.

I love Bree and Mackenzie’s friendship – believable girls (all of their friends are) – and her dad is a funny character, who clearly loves her. You really get into the right mindset for teenage readers. Mackenzie’s inner monologue gives the reader a deeper sense of her. Mackenzie is clutzy and cute, and A.J is a good other half – very mature in terms of respecting her. Bree’s family is interesting to read about (a repulsive house and non-very-attractive characters with too many pets and not enough money), and you make some good points about that kind of family.

The pizza making class was a really cute, original date setting, as was the picnic on the roof, and I like the chemistry between the characters. I loved your inclusion of texts – it keeps the other characters involved, and breaks up the narrative. Including the times also made the texts seem more real! I wanted to kill A.J for his nonchalance about wasting so much fuel, but he comes across as a typical young American in that respect. Everything all the characters do is very fitting to their age, and the details about school in particular, really get the reader into that mindframe. The relationship is very PG-13, considering the characters are 17 and 19, but I thought it was sweet.

The variation in focalisation works really well, and I liked reading from multiple points of view. Description is a strong point for you – you can evoke very strong images for the reader, and really draw them into the story. Your style of writing is also simple and enjoyable. A clearly written narrative that flows really well and kept my attention. There was some funny and enjoyable dialogue, and you have created an entertaining story! Good luck with this!

Read to chapter 5.
It is still a good read. Though I have to say, there is some of it that you could have left out and it would have still gone okay. Some of it may be a little too informative to the reader.
Anyways, things are flowing well and your characters are really developing.
Good work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

Hi Shaun, you have a very good book. Your story and characters are good. Your character interactions are good as well. I see you have some very good ideas from others that will enhance the flow of your story. I usually do a read-out-loud to find those places that would trip an editor up. Reading out loud makes a huge difference. Your story is fun and interesting. I rate it high. Blessings, Lacy

Good writers advise writing about the weather, but good writers haven't bumped into Shaun Holt. Shaun pulls off the weather quite magically, thank you.

The author excels at characterisation. Instantly, I liked Asia with her snappy explanation how black folks run a concert: You get your butts in your seats because the show's starting.

The author is also great at lean description. Without much ado, we learn Bree's family isn't wealthy and that the narrator is athletic but occasionally clumsy.

And sometimes the description is poetic: "hair as dark as a moonless night," or this line: "I never doubted there was misfortune in the world, and Bree never gave up the idea there was hope."

It's a great story and I back it.

Hi, Shaun. Your commas are better behaved in chapter 4! I've enjoyed learning more about Bree. I especially loved the last sentence! There were a few parts that were either wordy or vague, so I'm including some suggested wordings for you to consider. There's not much grammatically wrong with this chapter.
P. 16: "I hoped": shouldn't it be past tense, as her mother's already gone to the chiropractor?
P. 19: "picked up": Either use "when you want me to pick you up" or "when you want to be picked up."
P. 21: Both of the first two sentences contain "looked". You might want to reword one.
"Would eventually slide off": How did she know? Or was it just an opinion?
"forest-green": Add hyphen
P. 22: "Spaghetti-Os": Capitalize (proper term for a brand name), no apostrophe
How about saying, "television set, still crowned with its old antennae"? ("antennas" is common but incorrect--it's a Greek term)
P. 23: First sentence is odd. Try "Bree's father's two male Labradors" instead.
P. 25: Third sentence: Fix grammar. Try "She usually wore pale shorts, showing her puffy knees and ankles and her short, fat feet" or something similar.
Last sentence: What about "...I hoped Bree never would."
P. 26: What about "The baby was wrapped in so many blankets that I wondered how she could be less than a hundred degrees"?
P. 27: "Hi, Lacy": Add comma, period
P. 35: Add comma after "Jacob"
P. 42: "ten-year-old": Add hyphens
You need more action in this sentence-- more show, less tell. There's opportunity for quite the scene here, but it comes off rather tame.
P. 43: "snatching the cup"--more concise, less words
P. 53: Try "Bree said, as the knocking continued, growing louder and quicker."
P. 59: Delete comma in sentence one, after "radio"
P. 61: Delete comma in sentence 6, after "Bree's mother".
"Took to government welfare": choose to say either "took" or "turned to" instead of "took to".

I felt really sorry for the poor, unwanted brother and baby. Obviously the brother is a terror from neglect and lack of training...and the baby, though being held by the mother, is half-smothered in unseasonal blankets. It's a pathetic picture.
I hope my sentence suggestions are helpful to you!
~Hannah

Waiting for Rain. A very good short pitch, and a long one which duly draws the reader in, but there are rather a lot of names to swallow all at once. Perhaps the details of the MC's friends could be left to later? But that's only my opinion. Your cover is great.

I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. The Prologue makes me want to ask a lot of questions - which is good - and I am immediately hooked. But for me, what they are wearing detracts from the emotional drama.

Beware of repeating words within a few lines of each other (you could do a search): stood, voice (of Bree), friend, grass. (Ch2) lost, friend (Ch3) cereal.

And by the same token, take care not to use too many words to say the same thing. You could safely delete 'not yet finished with its unpredictability'. That whole paragraph explains the vagaries of the weather beautifully enough.

Unnecessary words make some editors frown, and also disturb the flow of your writing: already, always, begin to, instantly, soon, (Ch2) apparently, usually, mostly, perhaps. (Ch3) just, obviously.

'Her eyes had a tint similar to the mythical mermaid's tail.' Wonderful description. I've taken the liberty of tweaking it slightly - but it's your book!

I cannot fault your descriptions of what the characters look like, but the paragraphs come across as rather contrived. Can you devise ways to introduce the details in dribs and drabs as the story unfolds?

'A bucket of heavily buttered and viciously salted popcorn.' A great depiction of temptation! Try omitting the last sentence of that paragraph. I think you'll find it will gain in impact.

Ch.2. There are rather a lot of paragraphs starting with 'I'.
Your MC clearly enjoys cooking, and the detail gives your story a homely feel.
That's quite a long paragraph, merely saying the dishes were done.

Ch.3. I enjoyed the schoolgirlish banter - but you dont have to attribute so many lines of speech.

Hope you dont mind all these nits, but your work is worth perfecting.
There are glimmers of great writing, and I've found myself wanting to read on.
You have apromising book, with a simple, easy-flowing plot. I'm keeping you on my watch list.

Jane (Breath of Africa).

I read the opening chapter. It looks great, especially the description of erratic breathing and raindrops. I could really picture it and feel the despair. Good luck with this. It should do well, Shaun.

I read your first two chapters.

General comments: An engaging start. Mackenzie is an observant, interesting main character. Your descriptions are wonderfully graphic. Not much tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comment on the prologue:
1) 'His typically shaggy blonde hair was weighted down by the rain, ... ' Blonde = female. Blond = male.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) ' ... our bond was unbreakable' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in a fresher way.
2) Hyphenate 'recently mown.'
3) ' ... and annoyingly tickle our feet.' 'Tickle' should be 'tickled' to keep the writing in past tense.
4) ' ... and instantly greeted with overlapping smells and senses.' Insert 'were' after 'and.' Also, I don't know what you're trying to convey with 'senses.' There are five senses. Touch. Sight. Smell. Sound. Taste. Which senses apply to this situation? Or do you mean 'scents?'

Specific comments on the second chapter:
1) Excellent scene setting in the first paragraph of this chapter.
2) ' ... small red font across the breast spelled out "Mac Attack." Inset 'a' before 'small.'
3) ' ... those that moved away, and those who simply drifted away.' 'That' should be 'who.'
4) "Oh Jack, stop it," Mother said. Comma after 'oh.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with commas. There is another case in this chapter where you address someone in dialogue but didn't offset their name or title with commas.
5) I think it's odd that Mackenzie's family doesn't have a dishwasher. They have granite counters and no dishwasher. That doesn't fit.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I can improve it?

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Prolog:
I like the way this prolog started, the details are precise, such as the apron, and the hair, and the layers.
The idea that A.K stood “sentry” “ like a defendant awaiting the jury’s verdict” is contradictory. A defendant doesn’t guard anything. I’d chose one comparison and keep to it.
Missing a word towards the end “begged him come”. Should be a “to” in there.

Chapter One:
I think you caught the weather of the Puyallup fair well.

I don’t like the explanation of Asia’s and Mackenzie’s friendship, or the explanation of the racist joke.
“If Asia were racist, then she would not have tolerated sitting next to me.” There’s no need to explain that. It feels like it’s talking down to the reader.

“Oh, I spilled my drink.” It might be a good detail to show the drink being spilled, or show her seeing it be spilled.

Your dialog is a bit robotic . Try some contractions such as, “Mackenzie you are so clumsy” could be, “Mackenzie you’re so clumsy. It’s amazing they let you play on the volleyball team.”
Comes off as a bit more natural and less robotic.

I liked that Mackenzie measures Bree by comparison, “her forehead came up to the bridge of my nose.”
It offers a great picture.

Flip-flops at the Puyallup Fair? I don’t believe it.
I think you described the grass well. I could imagine the smell and the slickness of the grass.

You’re really good at describing smells and sensations, I think. I could picture the concession stands perfectly.
“Heavily buttered and viciously salted popcorn” I just love that description.

The paragraph on the concession stand workers was boring. They don’t need to be described unless they’re important to the plot later on.

Watch the magical eye syndrome, there’s “emerald eyes, cerulean blue eyes and tranquil blue eyes.”'

Her little “I am just stupid and klutzy and clumsy…” rant was well done. I could feel her frustration.

Chapter Two:
I liked the beginning of this chapter and the transition from the fair and to her home.

You describe the friendship between her Bree, Asia, and Rachel three times. Once when you introduce them, one when Bree and her are just getting to the house and later when they get to Mackenzie’s room. I’d considered cutting some of those out.

The jesting, that the mother does about the “back pay for the child support” doesn’t match with her demeanor later on, or how she's said to act later on.

“We exchanged our most commonly used name-calling. Those were simply the name…”
Try resisting the urge to explain things. Let the reader figure things out for themselves.

“his voice possessing just a trace of a New England accent that he gained from his law school years”.
He’d have to be from there to have a trace of an accent, so you might want to say that. (We develop our accents by the age of six, I believe.)
The detail that the dad is wearing a “Yale blue” shirt is the only detail needed to say he went to Yale, and it’s a great way of showing he went to Yale as well.

I laughed about the “hippedy hop” thing the dad use to say. My grandma calls the whole internet “The Facebook”.

Overall:
I think you have the makings of a good YA novel. The characters are believable and interesting. The writing is well done, and the reader can feel the beginnings of conflict.
I think the dialog needs work through. It’s very stiff and unnatural and there’s a bit of over-explanation about a lot of things.

Hi! I've just finished chapter 3. I saw a lot of missing commas, which I'll list in a minute, but I had some suggestions. Rachel could "do" a little more, rather than just be someone who talks from a distance. Show her more, rather than simply talking about her faults from Mackenzie's POV. Also, the fair moves slowly. What about adding some of your lush descriptions here? Show us the crowd's tense expectance of the show, the scramble for a good seat, the people leaning forward to see if A. J. can stay on the bull... you might even be able to turn this into two chapters. I enjoyed it, but I do think you can make it even better. :)
Another thing I noticed is that you spell out a lot of words that most teens would probably contract: we'll, I'll, I'd, won't, and such things. Do the girls really speak this way? Maybe one, but probably not all.
So, for the paragraph by paragraph....
P. 1: hyphenate "tip-toed"
P. 2: "And then": I know Windows tries to force you to use it, but it's not a pleasnt phrase--try ", then"; ", and"; or just no comma and "and".
P. 6: Add comma after "well"
P. 7: Add comma after "well" and "shower"
P. 9: Add comma after "oh"
P. 10: No comma after "towel back"
P.12: "bowl", not "bowel"
"on to", not "onto": using the single word means literally putting something on top of something else.
P. 23: "jabbered", not "jabbed": "jabbed"=poked
P. 24: I'm very glad to find someone who knows how to use "whom"!
P. 25: What a description! I can see the poor guy...
P. 31: "getting into it, though": Properly, "though" should be set off by commas when you use it.
P. 34: "sung", not "sang", unless it's intentional
P. 35: Asia has her own destinctive "voice"--Good job drawing her character. The whole conversation here is hilarious, enjoyable.
P.44: Add comma after "okay"
P. 45: Wouldn't she say "I'm"?
P. 51: Why not say simply, "The long-awaited Rachel Evans had come."?
P. 53: Add comma after "hey"
P. 54: "In this case"-- what about just "today"
P. 57: Add comma after "oh"
P. 58: Add comma after "well"
P. 63: "We're"??
P. 64/etc: Rachel is a bland character. I get the sense you don't like her much, but we still need to see more of her. Maybe she's wrinkling up her nose at though of Asia, or sneering at having to wait for her. A sight a her body language here will set up the comments about her opinion of Asia in the next paragraph quite well.
P. 66: "disgruntled when", not "with"
P. 67: Add comma after "rodeo"
P. 68: Add comma after "aren't you"
P. 74: Try something like "Asia informed her"--sounds less like a tattle-tale
P. 77: Add comma after "no"
P. 82: Add comma after "well"
P. 83: I personally think it would read better to have a comma after "truth is"
P. 87: "sung", not "sang"
The clown's entrance is kind of awkward; rethink the paragraph wording. At first I even thought he was a real circus clown, only to discover later that he's the bullfighter clown. Describing him would prevent the misconception; "out came the clown, ready to fight the bulls if need be..." Is he like the ones on the national bullriding shows, looking almost like a human scarecrow? Is he dirty and disshevelled, or does he start out clean?--I'd like to have a first-row seat at this rodeo, seeing everything as the girls see it, rather than her retrospection and her trying to make sense of the performance. If she'd bored, tell us so.
P. 91: Is he really so calm? Or is he catapulting his hat into the seats? Or is he kneeling for a moment, his hat in front of his chest? An action like this would let the reader know right away that he is a Godly young man, if he is....
P. 96: Asia's reaction made me laugh!
P. 105: "Bree and I had cereal"--The sentence changes tense, right in the middle. The easiest fix would be to add a second "had", but I know you hate that, so say something like, "although we ate cereal for breakfast" or "had eaten cereal" or "began our day with cereal"... I know this sounds awkward, so if you don't understand what I'm trying to say, I'll explain further later.
P. 106: No comma after "around the ring"
P. 107: Add comma after "I said"
P. 109: Of COURSE she's going to trip! I could see that one coming!
No comma after "fell forward", "my knees", and "my hip".
P. 110: "Burned" instead of "was surely red"
Try "I reached up, desperately yanking bits of straw out of my hair"
P. 118: "At that moment, I saw Bree"
P. 124: Great paragraph!
P. 131: Period after "that's fine"
P 165: Add commas after "well" and "rate him"
P. 167: Add comma after "that bad"
P. 173: Add comma after "well"
P. 182: Add comma after "with me"
P. 186: Add comma after "settle down" -- who said this? (I'm assuming Mac, but Rachel could have)

There! I hope I haven't scared you to death with a long list, but it WAS a long chapter! Let me know if you're tired of me red-inking your work; if you like it, I'll keep doing it indefinitely. :) The story is a really good one.
~Hannah

Read the first two chapters of your story. I found your characterizations to be realistic. Your prologue intrigued me. I like the friendship between Brie and Mackenzie. My son likes to cook and one of his favorite things is chicken alfredo, made me smile! Highly starred! Good luck with your story! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.

Read the first two chapters of your story. I found your characterizations to be realistic. Your prologue intrigued me. I like the friendship between Brie and Mackenzie. My son likes to cook and one of his favorite things is chicken alfredo, made me smile! Highly starred! Good luck with your story! Georgia
The Woman From E.A.R.L.