Nicodemus Other

Hi, Adam. Your short pitch got my attention a while back and I liked your long pitch, and now FINALLY I'm reading your first chapter. There are some tense issues that need to be addressed. You need to stay in the past or the present in the same paragraph. Otherwise, your writing is very good and your descriptions evocative. I particularly liked Nic's confessions.

Lela Markham, The Willow Branch

I thoroughly enjoyed reading a couple chapters of Nicodemus Other. The childhood accounts had me laughing. The idea is powerful, even if much of the plot is occurring internally (but this is normal for a literary fiction piece.) I appreciate the philisophical implications and the strong use of metaphors. High stars and a backing!
-Cassandra Porter

It's amazing how much I like your writing style. Very interesting chapter, it's almost like it's simmering in preparation for what's about to come. Very good flow. Very interesting. I like your continuing character development of Nick; I sense a certain redemptive force inside him. This is really great, Adam! Now I'll have to go through another dry spell...I should meditate:)
Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Adam ... Adam you there? I'm soooo waiting for another chapter. How's it coming along?

Stopped by and read chapter 1 this time. Your writing makes me thirst for more. You tell an enthralling story with a rare literary beauty. Keep writing...I'm waiting for another chapter to devour.
Donna :)
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Came back today for another read. I find it even more enjoyable the second time. You are an amazing writer, Adam :)
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

All I can say with this super well-written, great story is....I am anxiously awaiting ch 21 :)
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Your prologue pulled me in straight away. You have some beautiful writing. I liked 'Frosted sigh'. There are a few tense changes that need editing.
represents -represented
He cannot - he could not
that is all - that was all.

Maybe 'one step at once' would be better as 'one step at a time.'?

Chapters 1 and 2
Interesting and good description.
In Chapter 2 I wonder if that should be Hapsburg but maybe you have created a different dynasty.

In 'he goes by the name of Jatt Monsoon' the 'he' is unnecessary.
Bearing his yellow teeth - baring.

I was a bit worried by the 'burning fireplace'.

These are nitpicks I know but thought I would mention them as I am always grateful when someone points them out for me.

I find your narrative intriguing. Part of me found it a bit wordy and over written but then it sounded like a unique voice. I would have to read more to decide.
I skipped to the end to see if the voice 'held' and it does.

Interesting style and subject. I'll try to read more soon.

Stopped by for a brief reread of a superb work :)
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Very interesting topic for a book. Well written though, with great word usage.
Scott Trimas
The Chimera Factor

What a strange and interesting book. I actually really liked the prologue though I noticed a couple of typos or rather tense variations. In two places you say can when the tense you've been using needs could. I also noticed a missing word in the second para. of 1. After that I really got into the story and became no use at all as a proof reader! What you say about the thoughts of old age, and childhood for that matter, rings very true. Nick's reaction to injuring the dog is spot on accurate for small kids I think. You have some lovely descriptions too. I really liked the different airs he breathed and the comment about being born in the eclipse that he was lucky to be here but isn't everyone. Also I thought the description of the various stages of the headache was great, again very accurate. On my watchlist to read more.

Hello Adam,
Read 1-6. Took about an hour last night which brings to me my overriding impression-this is slightly too indulgent.
Sorry to start with that, the bottom line is that one is interested, engaged and entertained along the way. Cajouled into continuing as the way the story unfolds is very well controlled and assured.
Generally very good writing. It has that something that good fantasy writers have-a poetic lassitude that sweeps all before it.
'indescribable colour' just sounds too empathic, bordering on silly to me. Typo 2nd parag chap 1- 'but if never come' .
My brutal advice would be to shear away 20% of the prose and a good bit of this could take place in the prologue which feels top-heavy. But I'm not a fantasy writer/reader generally so please dismiss if you think I'm talking tarmac.
All the best. High stars and on WL.
John
Dropping Babies-would appreciate a return read.

Adam,

I've read a good deal of this. It is engaging from 1 onwards, however I found the prologue tried my patience for the entire book. It didn't warm me to it in the way it would have if you opened straight from chapter 1. The prologue had a cluttered and very unclear meaning, which went on for so long that it wasn't intriguing but annoying. It opened well and thereafter it became nonsensical. Yet when ch.1 started it really felt like it was going well and this continued into ch.2 and ch.3. The release of the information was good, the spiralling thoughts of the narrator unexpected and kept me on edge. The writing here was superb.

I'm sorry its a bit late but this is the first opportunity I've had to read.

Joe

Hi Adam.

Great opening. You are obviously a natural writer. Read the first 6 dhapters and my only criticism is that you do seem to go into too much detail for my taste.
Bear in mind tho that I am a simple gag writer, and in my world brevity is what it is all about., so you are better getting comments from those more used to a slower pace.
Best of luck with this. I would expect it to do very well on this site. Cheers Eric

Read the first three chapters... Your.Prologue.Is.Amazing... The flow is beautifully dark, it definately enticed me to keep reading. It works really well for a third-person pov and it almost makes me feel like its whispering to me; soft yet deadly. The setting in both chapters one and two are very well put together; I can see everything clearly with my minds eye: the old man, blurred vision, sounds of silence. Then the invitation to sit and hear Nicodemus tell his tale made me think, "Well, don't mind if I do..."

I like that your character has a sense of who he is and at this age isn't stuck trying to put the pieces of where he went wrong in his life together. He knows his own flaws.

Overall I believe the pitch is great, the story itself is crisp and clean; very solid. I thinks it's something you'd expect from an old man telling the story of his past only better. Will continue reading more when I get more time.. Outstanding job!

-- Myunique

Hey!

The prologue is brilliant, it hooks you right in. The first sentence especially, direct address works really well here.
I find the fact you don't properly introduce your character until chapter 2, because it entices the reader and keeps them wanting to find out more.
I found myself wanting more and more.
The writing itself is really well done, I saw no errors.

Overall, I don't really have much to say because I found it so brilliantly captivating. I'm sure this will find the publishing this story deserves.
Off to read more now - I just thought I would leave a comment!

Alex,
The Thorn in my Flesh / Turn Around

Well done on a thoroughly readable prose.

You dive straight in to some very well considered details about the character's early life instantly set up a kindly narrative voice in him.

I could get very into it.

I feel that the first chapter could do more to effectively grab your audience, although you set up for tension and tragedy in the line about the mistakes he has made I think you could indicate here what type of mistake.

Is this going to be a romantic tale, a sad tale, a surreal tale; is he going to commit some violent crime, or grand larsony?

I'm not sure if this is a fair criticism because it seems to be a trend in what I think about a lot of books here, but I see the need to "give away" some part of your plot to set the drama rolling from the start.

This could be a symptom of reading on the computer, which doesn't have the investment of a printed book, but it's also likely to be an issue of reading an author for the first time.

There's such a variety on the website that it's so easy to get hung up on having a gripping opening few paragraphs!

An excellent piece of writing that has really got me thinking, thank you!

Regards

Kit

p.s. Incidentally, my tennis partner is a Von Habsburg, (which makes me sound oh so posh and is really not the case.)

He is good at tennis.

;-)

Dear Adam,

NICODEMUS OTHER – Fantastic title, great cover and perfect pitch, this was one story that I was really looking forward to read. For some strange reason, perhaps a trick of the mind, I had always thought of this as sci-fi. Maybe, it’s the cover, or the offbeat title? Don’t know really. I read the first couple of chapters and was impressed by the clean and crisp narrative, and the ease with which I was drawn into your story, despite the fact that I don’t usually go in for literary fiction. Your writing style is very distinctive and this is clearly a unique tale – 6 starred and highly recommended.

There’s an otherworldly feel to the narrative that coupled with the slightly odd character names, absence of a time frame and the mention of the moon’s surface, made it a little difficult for me to put things in perspective. But, I did enjoy your fine (often poetic) writing and the sincerity of emotions displayed by Nick in his reminiscing. A couple of minor observations in the first chapter: # there seems to be a small disconnect here – ‘He cannot go any further…’ and ‘…could see the light of the Sun.’ I think, you need to show us a little more of his ordeal as his ninety-year-old body struggled to reach the top of the ladder (but then again, maybe I’m way off the mark in thinking that this happened physically) # the spiritual embodiment and consequently the partial italics didn’t work for me. I’d rather have this entire portion in 3rd person (in italics) and wouldn’t mind switching over to 1st person in the next section (along with a suitable heading). Just some thoughts.

Best regards,
AGC

Adam, this is brilliant. I read straight through to Francesca and Mrs Holden and the buried treasure in 4. I'll be back to read more. Six stars and I'll be backing it soon. - Ian

My second look:

5 – Did Jatt follow them to America? Or was he already there to being with?

“I mistimed the pull…” It might read easier as “mis-timed”

“This caused the yo-yo begin it’s return,…” should be “to begin”

“After receiving the yo-yo an incident would occur.” did occur? occurred?

“…caused me to instead, swing the yo-yo around vertically by my side.” remove comma.

“…and stroked her boony little head.” bony?

The yo-yo story is incredible. I like how you’ve distilled his life into all of these seemingly small moments that shaped him. There’s a pattern emerging for me that they all center on a small object – the treasure he and Francesca dug for, the yo-yo Jatt gave him; it’s a really cool style.

His father’s last sentence of the chapter should have more commas and fewer periods. I love the arrogance of Nicodemus holding his breath and the way his father reacts.

6 – “…and to continue to selfishly living apart from them.” live.

You maintain a great pace throughout this novel. The ups and downs of Nicodemus’ life are presented in such a way that the reader remains interested, and yet knows this is all still heading to the real issue – the real climax that defines him. Just when I think I’m going to get tired of the series of small stories, one is thrown in that is so profoundly touching, I’m back to flipping pages (or clicking numbers) to find out what happens next.

7 – “…it turns that it was.” turns out that it was?

I really, really, really like Jatt. A lot.

8 – I guess now is as good a time as any to mention how believable all of this is. Through the fantastical stories to the unlikely-ness of parents leaving their son on a different continent – I never once doubted any of it. That is excellent writing.

“…she was at least fifteen years younger, than I was, …” remove the first comma

“Firstly told me she had…” Firstly, she told me she had…

“He took long pause…” He took a long pause…

“My heart, felt she was…” remove comma

9 – “as if I was to accept leaving my friends and all I’ve ever known.” “I’ve” should be “I’d”.

10 – “In less than a month later,…” In less than a month OR Less than a month later

I like his scholastic development. The pace is handled well here. But I feel like the end could be more satisfactory. The point is valid, but maybe he could have some trepidation about living up to the potential that is expected of him as a college student? Something that could gnaw at our minds and make us feel some worry for him. It’s great that school has turned out so well for him, but where is the conflict?

11 – “…to take seats and quieten down.” quiet

“He’s on my politics course.” in?

Ahh young love. I like this story. But I thought Nicodemus had said he and Frankie would never see each other again after he left France? Or maybe he said they would never be friends again? I’ll have to look back.

12 – “…next year’s accommodation.” next years accommodations. Only people need possessive apostrophes.

I like that this is the first time we have seen Nicodemus’ father trusting him to make his own decision.

13 – You describe their house beautifully and perfectly. This chapter is simple, captivating and awesome.

14 – “It had by now, very much taken…” It had, by now, very much taken…

Nice set-up for the villain (Ben). I find myself quickly reading to find out what happens.

15 – Excellent description of how confusing his sexual relationship with Frankie was, and a good hook with “until I found true love in someone else.” Although, I feel like we were moving slowly towards the inevitable sexual relationship between them, and then all the sudden the tension dissipated in that one sentence. Maybe that’s good because the relationship itself feels like it will end in an anti-climatic way as well? I can’t decide yet.

I love how this chapter ends!

16 - I’ve really started to reflect on how far we’ve come, and I think you’ve handled the age progression well – it feels natural. The older version of Nicodemus reflects with a saddened loss of innocence on his childhood, and nostalgia for his college years. It’s lovely to read.

“...the spider that was once tapping at the outside of my head…was now inside…” No need for the pause between head and was. Same for “It was an unbearable sensation…ten times worse…” That could be a comma instead.

“…but other than that it normal enough.” was?

This chapter (other than the few nitpicks above) is absolutely perfect.

17 – I assume the phrase “we lied in her bed” is an intentional pun. It’s awesome.

During this entire chapter, especially after I read that they were still sleeping together, I kept thinking, “Fuck, Nick, just tell her!” I’m super involved in your characters now, which I think, is a pretty big compliment.

19 – How beautifully tragic. You’ve believably taken us from a tiny, innocent and loveable boy to this in under 35,000 words. I’m thoroughly impressed.

20 – Post the rest, damn it! :)

Katy
- The Promenade

Adam, the story is so intriguing, so captivating, that I finished reading chapter 20 and I felt nauseous not to have another to click on. This is great. I can't wait to read more :)

It's wonderful how you maintain a subtle sense of humor throughout, perfectly captured for me in this line, "It must've been a terribly frightening way to wake up." And your ability to create mood and atmosphere, with "...as repetition repetitively repeated the days..." which led beautifully into "I felt stuck in a rut..." Oh, I was right there with Nichodemus.

This is a wonderful read, with many great lessons for a reader to take away.
T. Donna :)
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Impressive stuff, Adam. Very highly starred and on my watchlist for further reading.

This really is one of the most original, ambitious, confidently delivered pieces of writing I’ve read on authonomy. I hesitate to use the word ‘novel’ because – and I’m sure this is your intention – it really doesn’t feel particularly novelistic in structure or style, not in the traditional sense, anyway. Not that I’m not enjoying what I’m reading. I am. It’s more that my enjoyment stems primarily from your deftly lyrical phrasing (eg. ‘quaint and delicate light’, ‘his whole face was sharp and angular, cut from stone’, ‘the comfort of soft carpet tufts… fingering my toes’) and the oddball, slightly unhinged ruminations of Nicodemus Other (brilliant name, by the way – a perfect fit for the surreal, semi-fantastical feel of the narrative) rather than any sense of concerted character or plot development. In many ways, at least in terms of premise and tone, I was reminded very much of Paul Harding’s terrifically imaginative ‘Tinkers’. Harding ended up with a Pullitzer on his mantel so you’re obviously on to something here!!

The prose is superb. It’s clean and spare but also imbued with a subtle, natural lyricism which makes for a terrifically vivid, involving read. It’s also extremely polished (I noticed a couple of typos [eg. ‘three-storey’ not ‘three story’] and occasionally you repeat a word or phrase in close proximity [eg. ‘to a lesser extent’] but otherwise it’s seamless which, again, makes for a very reassuring, immersive read.

Nicodemus is a wonderfully entertaining narrator. He’s funny and disrespectful and the originality of his phrasing really helps to bring both his reminiscences and his own character alive. Once or twice, the POV seemed to wander (eg. ‘I was blue in the face…’) but, for the most part, NO comes across as an extremely unusual but entirely credible narrator, someone the reader has great confidence in and can easily picture in their mind’s eye. Given his age (I think he’s in his nineties??) I did think some of his phrasing (eg. ‘scary movies’, ‘kind of cheered him up’) felt a bit too modern/youthful?? I was also wondering whether you might consider losing all contractions to heighten the feel of someone born almost a century ago (I know it’s a bit of a literary ‘device’ but I do think it might help with the distinctiveness of his narrative voice). Just a thought. The only other observation I’d offer re NO’s character is that, far from coming across as egotistical, self-righteous etc, he appears to be a rather grounded, honest, self-deprecating individual. I suppose NO the narrator may well have undergone a marked character transformation following his deathbed epiphany but I just thought I’d mention my initial impressions.

It also took me quite a while to work out when the novel is set. Unless I missed something, there’s nothing in the novel prior to chapter five (where NO refers to ‘my first plane journey’) to suggest to the reader that this is actually a twentieth century novel rather than, say, something set in the C19th or even C18th?? Because of the rather arcane language, the unconventional names and the references to family/blood/royalty etc, the opening chapters do feel very much like a period piece (or maybe even a hyper-real fantasy??). Again, I’m assuming this is deliberate but I’m not sure what purpose it serves?? Maybe include one or two period cultural/historic references in NO’s early reminiscences (maybe his vaguely recollecting troops returning from The Great War, dole queues in the inter-war depression years etc) to root the reader in the moment??

The dialogue, when it comes, feels real and purposeful and helps both to flesh out the novel’s various characters and add some very welcome tonal variety to the narrative. The chapters themselves work well (I enjoyed the prologue, particularly the italicised sections) in terms of introducing the reader to NO and establishing the particular style and format of the book. I would have liked a bit more dialogue a little sooner, but that’s a very minor quibble. The plot, such as it is, sounds original and ambitious and, I believe, it’s this originality and ambition (coupled with your terrifically inventive, engagingly offbeat prose style) which will compensate for the comparative lack of a recognisable, traditional narrative arc.

In short, a beautifully written, appealingly quirky, impressively distinctive opening. Thanks and best of luck. P

Prologue - This is the best example of a working prologue I’ve seen on this site. It piques the reader’s interest and raises more questions than it answers. It’s so rare to find one that is being used for the right purposes as opposed to helping the author simply set the stage or make the plot easier to digest. I truly can’t say enough positive things about this prologue.

At first I was mad that the dialogue had no markers and no direction – but by the end, I realized even that works. Well done. Also, the imagery you create of Nicodemus climbing the huge ladder with his frail body is beautiful. My only problem (and it’s small) is the overuse of the MC’s first and last name. After a few paragraphs, it bottlenecks the sentences, and I think you would do just fine calling him “he”.

1- I like that your prose is succinct and lyrical at the same time. Usually in a first person narrative, it’s extremely hard to make the writing sound lyrical and poetic, yet true to a realistic MC. I think you’ve done that well here. Your writing throughout the entire first chapter is impressive.

2 – I usually don’t like when an author “breaks the fourth wall” and addresses the reader. However, I know this can be done. It is not to my personal preference, but yours is brief, and I think it works.

“…because he interacted differently wit me to how he did with other people.” That sentence is awkward.

“A few decades later after the monarchy had collapsed. All of the…” That should be a comma

As you describe Jatt Monsoon, I think you should mention something about how awkward it was for him to tell his best friend’s son about his conception. You say he is boisterous and outlandish, which fits, but it just seems weird that a son would know so much about his parent's sexual habits, and I think you should address it.

I like the description of the lunar phases, especially after the prologue.

“I left nothing chance…” to chance?

Again, excellent and engaging prose.

3 – I like the way he talks about the moon up until the last sentence. The one that starts, “The reality that I will never…” is too much. I think it’s better to keep it subtle and end with his fascination with the moon and appreciation of its beauty.

“The only exception was maths,…” math?

“…like the rest of the class were.” I think it should be “was”.

Should it say they shared lunch instead of dinner?

I like the relationship he has with Francesca. It comes at a good time too – because I felt that you were almost at risk of losing the reader’s interest in Nicodemus around this time. Francesca brings in a fresh new storyline to keep us guessing.

I also like that this relationship hints at his future rebellion. This is what he points to as the start of the behavior that has caused him to look back on his life with sadness and guilt. It’s very well drawn.

4 – This is my favorite chapter. I love the (not-so)innocent childhood reverie of digging in the rain. And the tragedy of their lost friendship and terrible goodbye is wonderfully sad.

I hope to come back for more.

-Katy
The Promenade

Intense chapter 16, Adam, horrifying and chilling. I think you succeeded to describe vividly a horrible situation of being completely out-of-control. And yes, I detest spiders and you put one on his brain. Argh. I had goosebumps. If anyone reads this chapter, I would imagine they would stay away from horrible stuff like that. Great writing!
T. Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

The prologue is intriguing but a bit confusing to me. It felt like I was reading sci-fi which is a genre I don't read, particuarly because of words such as ascension, talking about the surface of the earth, etc. Am I just dense because I can't figure out what's going on here?? I didn't understand the wording "unimportant movement." But then when you start writing chapter 1 it reads more like a regular fiction book and flows nicely, and becomes something more that I would enjoy reading.

Hi Adam,
I just read the first few chapters and was very interested. I liked the sense of unknowing at the beginning - who was he? Where had he been? What had happened to the planet? etc...
You have built up the story very well indeed and grabbed my attention straight away. You captured me, then tantalisingly built up a background for the main character.
One phrase that stuck on me though was "one step at once" - do you mean one step at a time?
Nice one!
Mike.
(Rudolf Goes Bananas)

Dear Adam

I have just read the fist three chapters of "Nicodemus Other" and I have to say, I really enjoy it and will be reading more as soon as I can.

You write with insight, humour and such maturity that, to be honest, I hardly expected to find. Why? Perhaps because I was misled by your youthful avi. Which makes my discovery of the depth and richness of your writing all the more delightful.

How do you know all this stuff about forgiveness, error, regret, growing older? It just seems effortless here, yet I know that to write about retrospective sorrows is challenging at the best of times.

Your descriptions are very engrossing, appealing and sympathetic. The tone, between Nicodemus and his father, for example, is just exactly so. Such empathy cannot be researched, so I have to conclude you are a natural writer.

I am reluctant to make any suggestions for improvement. These are few and far between. On occasion in the prologue I noticed a mix of past and present tenses that I found confusing. That is all.

I wish you every success. You are a very talented, engaging writer.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :))

Finished the last chapters (11-15) and you left me in aching suspense for more. Your writing is so powerful, so descriptive, that it placed me as a reader in situations I never have nor ever expect to experience for myself. Adam, this is truly magnificent and I look forward to future uploaded chapters. Hopefully soon?
T. Donna Robison (No Kiss Good-bye)

Adam,

I've just read your excellent opening chapter. This is a highly original and engaging start, one that really grabs the attention. I really liked the way you seemed to be addressing the reader in the first few sentences 'come out of the light', but were really talking to the cast of deceased characters. There's a really nice pace and flow to your writing, and in this opening chapter, you've created an almost haunting atmosphere, which serves to set your story up very well indeed. The old man looking back over his life may've been done before, but you've put your own unique stamp all over this. If I had nore time, I would have happily read on and on.

On a techincal front, this is a really polished piece of writing, and I can tell a lot of consideration and revision has gone into putting each word into its rightful place.

Happy to give you a run on my shelf.

Regards

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

I read today through chapter 10, quite unable to stop at the end of the chapters. Your writing is flawless and you held me captive. It reads as though I'm sitting with Nick over a cup of coffee (or tea). Superb! I love it :) and will be back a bit later to continue.
T. Donna (No Kiss Good-bye)

Adam;
WOW

I have read the prologue and first chapter, and needed to leave a comment to get this out of my system…

This is excellently written. The tone is perfect. You really capture the essence of mystery, spirituality… something else I can’t really put my finger on.

This is the sort of stuff I aspire to weave into my own novel, although in a different way. But I am loving reading this. Absolutely marvellous, will keep going.

I wish there was something better that I could say!

But all in all, a fabulous start. You have me intrigued, you provoke my thought, you grip me in the pull of your words. Rated: WOW and now you have given me the hard task of needing to rearrange my bookshelf!

Well done, hope I can get some more useful feedback to you soon :)

Best wishes
Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Adam,

Return Read as promised.
I am finding it difficult to comment, which usually means it's not my genre. We will have to remain oblivious to what interests the other! :)
From that perspective I made a couple of notes:
Where most people seem to like the first part of the prologue I really didn't. I found the last part (under 1) was where I found a hook to take me to the next chapter. Somehow I felt the voice was disjointed between the two sections and the man I saw at the beginning didn't seem like the man speakinf to me at the end. It seems to be just me so I wouldn't worry about it.

In the second Autho chapter where you start 'Jatt was English but his parents were born in India and Somalia...' I personally think the next sentence is unnecessary. You've explained why he is so unusual to the small boy in this part of the sentence.
The only other thing I noted was that, in conversation with his parents Jatt says'...going by train to where ever'. It seems a little informal language for someone who's job it is to organise people. You can cut the 'to where ever' off and it still works and sounds better to me.

As I said, it wasn't really my thing but in general I think you write it well and there is a nice balance of humour.

Good luck with it.

Danielle

Hi Adam,
I’m here for our read swap. Sorry it’s taken me this long to get here. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so please take them for whatever they’re worth.
In your SP, there needs to be a comma after “Nearing his death.”
Frankly, while your SP is well written, it’s not much of a hook. Why are those memories significant?
The first sentence of the LP: Some of those adjectives mean close to the same thing. I think you can whittle it down a bit.
“It is a journey of self discovery…” This sentence might be stronger in more active voice, such as “Nicodemus faces ups and downs in a journey of self-discovery.” I’d then drop the bit about his childhood and the internal conflict. Save those details for the novel.
I’d also drop the sentence starting with “scattered along the way…”
Who is his father’s aide? If you don’t mention the person here, it sounds redundant (“help” of his father’s “aide” – aide as in help/assistance).
Prologue
Intriguing opening. It’s not conventional, but I like it. I think it’s a strong hook, though I’d lose the ellipses. They’re distracting and unnecessary.
Not sure why some parts are in italics. This usually means the MC is thinking it.
Chapter 1
Add comma after “older.” (mind your subordinate clauses)
Way too many ellipses. Be careful not to overuse them. They get distracting. Do a word find for them. Might be an eye opener.
This is kind of a short first chapter. Seems like it could be stretched out with amplified description and development of the storyline.
This is a great start. Love the premise and you have the meat of things here. I do think it needs a bit more development, but it should do well once some additional polish is applied (something we all have to do at one stage or another).
Great stuff. Best of luck.
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

Finished reading through chapter five. I really like the distinct voice, the flow, the pace. You are a true storyteller :) You have some marvelous gem lines throughout. And I like the steady building of Nichodemus' character. "So I held my breath. I was going for the longest swim ever...After less than a minute, I was blue in the face and gasped for air." Superbly visual.
T. Donna Robison (No Kiss Good-bye)

Although I always keep my promises, I am really pleased I kept this one to read all posted, A captive read, and so well written, can only think of engrossing, and may we have some more please.

Portraits Of A Small Peasant.

What a superbly written, captivating first chapter! I saw that tojo backed your book and I stopped by to have a look. Now it's on my WL to continue reading. I'm already impressed.
T. Donna Robison (No Kiss Good-bye)

Hi Adam

This is a very original piece of writing. The prologue was very well written. It gives the reader an early idea of what characters we will be experiencing as the story progresses, and an idea of some of the unresolved issues from the MC's lengthy life.

The first chapter is very enjoyable. The MC has a powerful voice and the reader gets the opportunity to form an idea of what type of person he is. I like how his narrative has a sort of interactive nature with the reader.

The second chapter shows what a talented writer you are. The reader gets a detailed backstory of Nick's ancestory. Jatt Monsoon is quite the striking character. You reveal enough about him to make him interesting, yet have kept enough hidden to encourage the reader to dive further in.

A great piece of literature you have put together.

Six stars.

All the best,

Marc

Hi Adam

This is a very original piece of writing. The prologue was very well written. It gives the reader an early idea of what characters we will be experiencing as the story progresses, and an idea of some of the unresolved issues from the MC's lengthy life.

The first chapter is very enjoyable. The MC has a powerful voice and the reader gets the opportunity to form an idea of what type of person he is. I like how his narrative has a sort of interactive nature with the reader.

The second chapter shows what a talented writer you are. The reader gets a detailed backstory of Nick's ancestory. Jatt Monsoon is quite the striking character. You reveal enough about him to make him interesting, yet have kept enough hidden to encourage the reader to dive further in.

A great piece of literature you have put together.

Six stars.

All the best,

Marc

Nicodemus Other

This is a very character-centric story, which is by no means a criticism. I think it works well for this book since it is all about an old man speaking back on his life.

The prologue gives a sort of insight to which characters are closest to Nick's heart.

The following chapters are brilliantly introspective. Very poetical and sometimes have a philosophical tone about them.
I'm looking forward to more. I want to know about what happens to him now he's taken LSD.

I didn't notice any mistakes or errors along the line. If there are some I wouldn't feel best equipped to advising you on them anyhow. I'm just a reader, not a writer.

Best of luck. Highly starred.

Well done, Adam. The pitch does the book justice as the opening chapters certainly hold your attention. You've developed the characters just right and nothing to criticise by way of spelling/grammar/etc. I see it's doing well on the ED chart but that's no surprise considering the quality of your writing and the original storyline. Highly starred!

All the best,

Lee :-)

Hello Adam,
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work. It was a pleasure, it is clear that you have a great deal of talent and that you pride your self on the quality of your work and you are right to do so. I would be interested to see how the work has grown from the first to the sixth redraft. But then I like to see how things develop and grow.
Some thing sat with me as I read through your work and that was how polished it is, every word and sentence is so well constructed and maybe and this is only a maybe that high polish blinds the reader from the real story. I would like to see some of the rough passion from the characters rather than the high sheen, Their is so much control, every part of the story reflects this. I don't know how old you are but from your picture maybe twenties and the book could reflect this. Maybe I want to see the release of the passion of youth into the work. This passion and energy combined with your obvious talent would make for a truly special piece of work.
Thank you Mick

Hey Adam,

I hope you forgive the brevity of this message but just wanted to let you know what I have just read your intriguing and thought provoking introduction. You write with a great maturity which I admire. It seems like a philosophical work in the vein of Kafka.

I think its a great start to your MS and time willing I look forward to having a glance at the rest of your chapters to see how it develops.

All the best with this great start,

Charlie

When I first read the description I wasn't expecting much, with no specified genre I had nothing to go on. Yet the fact that you didn't have a genre made me curious. I got the surprise of my life - this is such a different book.
I loved the prologue, it prepared me for continuing, his goodbyes told me who would emerge as important. You write beautifully and uniquely, some of Nicodemus's lines have a poetic ring to them - I loved the not being one for intro's as it saves on goodbyes! What a wonderful attitude he has.
The book has a timeless quality it's rich prose has a relaxing tone that makes the reader want to curl up and get tucked in.
I can't comment on punctuation, spelling etc... sorry but I don't feel qualified to, I'm sure if anything is amiss it will be known lol! I simply read the books and comment as a reader.
I have for the second time ever (I read 2 or 3 books a day here) awarded 6 stars. I believe this is a contemporary classic. Well done and rest assured this will go far!

Jayne (gjas)

When I first read the description I wasn't expecting much, with no specified genre I had nothing to go on. Yet the fact that you didn't have a genre made me curious. I got the surprise of my life - this is such a different book.
I loved the prologue, it prepared me for continuing, his goodbyes told me who would emerge as important. You write beautifully and uniquely, some of Nicodemus's lines have a poetic ring to them - I loved the not being one for intro's as it saves on goodbyes! What a wonderful attitude he has.
The book has a timeless quality it's rich prose has a relaxing tone that makes the reader want to curl up and get tucked in.
I can't comment on punctuation, spelling etc... sorry but I don't feel qualified to, I'm sure if anything is amiss it will be known lol! I simply read the books and comment as a reader.
I have for the second time ever (I read 2 or 3 books a day here) awarded 6 stars. I believe this is a contemporary classic. Well done and rest assured this will go far!

Jayne (gjas)

First off, I love his name. Nicodemus Other has a great ring to it and I enjoyed the repetition of it in your prologue. I thought the physical descriptions of him were excellent. I'm not convinced by your choice to use italics and the 'spiritual embodiment of his life' pushed me out rather than pulled me into the narrative, but that's just one person's view. I liked that last paragraph with the use of the second person. Nicodemus has a voice (as well as a great name) and he certainly draws you in.
Kate
The Licenser

NICODEMUS OTHER
This is an interesting story. Nicodemus reminds me of my grandfather and the way he used to sit on his back porch and tell us stories about when he was young and how he met my grandmother. Makes this story a rich read because it’s not only a good story but because it revives personal memories that way. The first chapter sets a great creative tone. Has a fantasy, magical tone to it. I think you’ll find a wide audience for this, that like me, enjoy the stories only old men can tell. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

this is a great premise to build a story on, and you have done it well! strong dialogue and character development, a solid writing style moving the story nicely...
j
what every woman should know

You have a wonderful writing style and the whole book feels very intelligent. The story telling rambles on a bit but in this case that is not a negative and only reminds the reader that the perspective is an old man nearing the end of his life.

The main character is portrayed very well. Although we are told of many of his flaws he is likable which is partly due to his admission of those flaws.

Only very small criticisms which are a little nit picky but only because I really had to search for something negative to say! The pitch throws a little too much information at the reader and could possibly do with generalising a little. Also, in the beginning you say that this may have been the first time you met Jatt but then go on to recall the meeting with him which makes it obvious that it was not the first time. It just feels a little inconsistent.

Overall an absolutely fabulous read. You obviously have a lot of talent.

Cheryl x

Now I understand why you said my genre isn't something you would normally read. Literary Fiction in relation to YA - very much opposites. But, although we write very differently most people can tell from any genre whether someone has talent, and you have that. I'm not a fan of Literary Fiction, but I thought you have a very good ability with words and the descriptions were nicely portrayed with an almost poetic feel about them (the hue of nostalgia, the structure of the prologue, the bite sized messages, etc). Your concept was also unique and interesting.

My only suggestion for possible improvement (and this is just my preference) is to maybe take out some mentions of the guy's name as it was repeated a lot in the prologue. But again, I'm not a Literary Fiction person, so only change something like this if you get similar comments from other reviewers. In relation to grammar, the technical side of things, etc, I didn't notice any errors. So, all good on this front.

All the best, Marita.

Adam, I've read all the chapters here and find this quirky, elegant, thought-provoking and humorous. Nicodemus is an engaging character and his vocal style is eccentric and delightful, although occasionally he is too verbose for his own narrative's good. I hope you will accept this critique as another step on the road to perfection.
First, the prologue. I have a personal dislike for a prologue. It immediately drops a gauze curtain between me and the story I so ardently desire to plunge into. A prologue is always a distancing device. I am ready to be immersed in Nicodemus' world. Surely what is in the prologue will emerge through his narrative?
You have wonderful moments - the two children getting muddy searching for treasure, and N's absorption with the marbling of wet and dry mud on his hands, his first traumatic meeting with Jatt, the bizarre incident with the yoyo, and N and Francesca furnishing their house with hippy clutter. Great detail, and your pacing is perfect for the age of this old man [though he surely cannot be senile - too lucid for that]
Sometimes you use a cumbersome sentence such as 'As far as I knew, other than my parents, I was the only one who knew about it' is not incorrect, but it could be more beautifully put.
'in ecstatic delight for this plasmatic rollercoaster' - is wonderful, but is it appropriate for this moment, when his heart is hammering in fear? It's too distracting from the event. And how can the blood be racing and meandering at the same time?
Sometimes you need to relax and let the story tell itself -as when Jatt talks about the woman he fell in love with, you pre-empt the story when it has hardly begun, when you write 'Retrospectively it was the worst decision...' let that emerge.
'She vocalised the second factor which was pivotal in my decision' isn't incorrect English, but it reads strangely and distracts us from the meat of what Jatt is saying. And there are other odd things that hiccup the story: 'Negative emotions that I've unintentionally instigated upon people', 'To my disbelief he confirmed the truth - do you mean, in the face of my disbelief, or, he told me the truth and I still did not believe him? An aura of open mindedness emitting from him; you need to take control and precedence of your life; transcended beyond - just transcended; the upper class background that flowed - it can't flow! Suffused, perhaps. A background is by its very nature a static thing. 'The seed of doubt.. was in full bloom and it spat venom at strangers' -don't mix metaphors. At first I thought this English-as-a-foreign-language style was Nicodemus' own rather endearing idiosyncrasy, but later, when he finds Jatt tearful and drunk, Jatt speaks in exactly the same style. As a playwright, I always pick up on dialogue. Jatt is such a strongly drawn man, he needs his own style of speech. He is better in the first meeting, I can hear something of the Samoan directness there, but maybe you need to look at all his speech, and N's father's too, and see if they are really being themselves, or puppets of N. I hope all this makes sense. Thanks for an intriguing read - Frances.