Rise of the Fallen

Hi D,
Most enjoyable.
Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar boys

I was hooked by the first line of the pitch. The whole Legion theme gets me every time. This is well written with solid imagery and the story flows along nicely. There is an almost apocolyptic air in the writing and the virus unleashed is a masterstroke. i really like this. wouldn't be surprised this isn't filmed one day.

Dear D Michael Olive,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Viruses and evil angels seem a great combo to me. Your first chapter was titled “Chapter Five”, but I assumed it was a typo. I like the tension inherent in an angel of death holding a girl’s hand. Could you get the “Angel of Death” concept into the first sentence? At this point I’m wondering why Mr. Death himself would be doing something innocuous as painting. I’m also wondering if the spark indicates Dani is an angel of life. I see you waste no time foreshadowing the virus pandemic. In the cute “Suzy-Q” paragraph, I’d prefer “Liam said” came earlier to prevent any temporary confusion. The following conversation sounds like first-date material, and all the while I’m still wondering about the Angel of Death. Just how evil is he? Is he blackhearted? Is he repentant? Has he masterminded this meeting to gain sway over the biotech company? Any of his designs or motives---perhaps even his repressed killing abilities---might make this scene even more intense.

Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

I like the cover and the pitches are certainly intriguing. We're going back to the Russia versus US as the protagonists, with the battle being the small matter of a threat to the lives of millions of people. As if that weren't a big enough issue, there's fallen angels to throw into the mix. Wow!
Your imagination appears boundless and you have the ability to recognise the specific requirements of a thriller, pace, excitement, twists and turns of plot and carry them out perfectly. This is primarily a thriller, on a vast scale and with plenty of SF elements, and it works beautifully as far as the chapters I've read are concerned. It's a remarkable premise with much to admire. The technical aspects were well detailed and made sense to a complete ignoramus like me. Backed for imagination, verve and sheer scale.
Jared
Mummy's Boy.

The bit about Monet was what did it for me, nicely done.

My backing and brief comment are an opening gambit. I value honest opinions of my work and want you to feel safe in giving me one. I'd be happy to read more of this. I'd be happy to read more of this. If you want more, just ask.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

A Sci-Fi Fantasy Thriller...What a recipe...what a book!!!!
Backed.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.

I'll be reading yours shortly. The system screwed up and I think I've now fice it. It's actually ony 30 chapters and 105k words. Thanks for your comment.
Mike

Yes, I did like what I read. But 242k words? My original MS was at 332k initially on this site before I started getting feedback. I scaled it back to 150k, though I'll prolly add back some chapters. SHELVED for ambition.

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

a nice twist to the whole "angel of death thing" heh. I wont pretend to have read a lot of it, as I see you have a huge word count, but I did read enough to know its very backable, and everything about it just spoke to me. From the premise, to the genres, tags and to the read. This is withouth a doubt unique as hell. I got your back Michael ^^

this is the start of a brilliant book. backed.

shah

Yes, I did like what I read. But 242k words? My original MS was at 332k initially on this site before I started getting feedback. I scaled it back to 150k, though I'll prolly add back some chapters. SHELVED for ambition.

I can use your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Backed January 30.

Jesse - Savant

Hi, Michael. Read just a little of this. Excellent. Plot, writing, etc. I'm just going to back it.

I will return at the end of Feb with some useful comments. Hope you don't mind. In the meantime, your on the shelf.
Thank you for your support.
Sue

D Michael

I LOVED this.....It's so racy..... I made a couple of little notes...

1. mouth snapped open.....to my mind, snapping is a closing motion.....I'd say snapped shut, or his mouth hung open......Mmm..(just my view)
2. He was dying, mentioned twice in first paragraph........He didn't have long, or his life was ebbing away, or,,,,,,dont know really, just not the same phrase twice....

The man, the women.....I wondered why we couldn't have a name.....Probably major issue like, that's the whole point of the plot......But thought I'd ask...?

Liams voice said out of thin air......I'd just say.......Liam said ....

Brilliant, super , fabulous.......Best of luck with this...

Shelved with enthusiasm...

A blend of mysticism and science, I just love it.

I would suggest that in your first paragraph that a vest majority of the sentences either begin with His or He. I know it's damn tough sometimes, especially when describing someone, but I would have liked to see you mix it up a little but. Just some personal preference there anyway.

You have some really big ideas already in the beginning and I hope they are fleshed out and meet my expectations! Up to chapter 5 now and will continue. Now on my watchlist.

Tim H
Hellbound

Rise of the Fallen has a unique plot and blends fantasy sci-fi with a fast moving thriller to produce a highly readable book that the target audience will undoubtedly enjoy. I especially like the way that the action takes off from the first sentence and keeps going relentlessly; nor do you waste any time introducing Azrael as both voidmaster and the Angel of Death, operating in your multiverse. This creates the worldview for the story fast and effectively. No nitpicks on style or idiom - backed.

Hi there, enjoyed your opening chapter - good mix of hard science and decent banter/dynamic between the two people in the NBC-type suits. Your research shows through, and you inject a fair amount of character work in there, too. As your female character might say, if you can't laugh at a potentially catastrophic pathogen, what can you laugh at?! Shelved, backed and enjoyed

Pat Black
Snarl

I bookstore read chapter 14.
It is well written, though I have to admit about 1/4 of the way through I started to scan read.

I didn't see any grammatical errors, but as I said, my concentration wasn't held.

Backed

JanB
Table for One

Hi Kim,

thanks for the comments. Desesperado is the Spanish word for despair. I thought it was an appropriate name for a killer pathogen. It's the only thing you feel before you die.

Mike

Hi D!

I'm here for our read swap and really pleasantly surprised at how much I like this book! (Toggling up...) Yep, it's all uploaded. Goody for me! I just may read the whole entire thing...

Your pitch is well written - introduces the main characters and gives a good overview of the plotline. I would suggest you section your pitch into multiple paragraphs - it'll make the material easier on the eyes. Otherwise, no nits or typos!

Inside the book... Love the detail - the information on the hazmat suits struck me first - how they are like gor-tex, but stronger, blocking out bacteria. You go on later to describe the infection and diagnosis of Guillan-Barre - the clinical and medical information you put forth really lends credibility to the story. I can tell you've done a great job researching for this!

I have to say, though, my favorite part of your writing is the dialogue. "Sounds like you after a couple of beers." Very witty banter for nasty killers! "Sleep tight, my little burrito." Another gem... You've given life and humor to the words of these people, yet still keeping the tension in the storyline. Nice touch on that.

The fact that the first casualty in the book is an Infectious Disease expert - also ironic and funny. Desesperado - is that the spelling you want on that? I first read it as Desperado, so just checking my eyes on that one. Also, in the second section you've got a "mid-day" and my dictionary tells me you don't need the hyphen. It may be a style thing (or difference in culture), so take with a grain of salt.

Overall, I love how this started out, the feel of the storyline. You're clearly a great story teller, and have all the elements for a fantastic sci-fi thriller. Backed with pleasure.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi D!

I'm here for our read swap and really pleasantly surprised at how much I like this book! (Toggling up...) Yep, it's all uploaded. Goody for me! I just may read the whole entire thing...

Your pitch is well written - introduces the main characters and gives a good overview of the plotline. I would suggest you section your pitch into multiple paragraphs - it'll make the material easier on the eyes. Otherwise, no nits or typos!

Inside the book... Love the detail - the information on the hazmat suits struck me first - how they are like gor-tex, but stronger, blocking out bacteria. You go on later to describe the infection and diagnosis of Guillan-Barre - the clinical and medical information you put forth really lends credibility to the story. I can tell you've done a great job researching for this!

I have to say, though, my favorite part of your writing is the dialogue. "Sounds like you after a couple of beers." Very witty banter for nasty killers! "Sleep tight, my little burrito." Another gem... You've given life and humor to the words of these people, yet still keeping the tension in the storyline. Nice touch on that.

The fact that the first casualty in the book is an Infectious Disease expert - also ironic and funny. Desesperado - is that the spelling you want on that? I first read it as Desperado, so just checking my eyes on that one. Also, in the second section you've got a "mid-day" and my dictionary tells me you don't need the hyphen. It may be a style thing (or difference in culture), so take with a grain of salt.

Overall, I love how this started out, the feel of the storyline. You're clearly a great story teller, and have all the elements for a fantastic sci-fi thriller. Backed with pleasure.

Kim
Invisible Justice

Hi D, what a beginning. It is really interesting, the chemical clinical attack and then the ambush in the jungle. It is a nice contrast and I was immediately interested in how these two stories met. I like your detailing, you seem to know a lot about your topics which is great, I was really impressed with the metamaterial suits as I was only taking to someone the other day about them! Really good start and I'm sure it makes for a great read throughout. Its on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

The opening scene is good, and your writing is sharp, taut - first class. No doubt you will write a bestseller. The writing is superior to much that is on bookshelves.
Frank

Read the premise and first couple of chapters. This is cold, concise, clean writing! You can grab your readers just from the first chapter. I think you've found your niche! Backed.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

Holy smokes, this is ambitious. And you're obviously in your element (as transcending as they may be), because you just dance around with the prose effortlessly. Nothing seems strained or sounds awkward, an incredible feat considering how sweeping this tale is. Wow. My hats off to you for this undertaking, and good luck.

Not sure how this got sent to me, as this review is not of my book. Sorry.

Mike

Alexis,

A wonderful premise and wonderfully imaginative story. Great characters, and descriptions. Your off to a wonderful start with a little tightening could be brilliant.

Consider changing your first line to, ‘The sun rose and burnt of the chill off the night.’ It’s more immediate, active. Also eliminates two passive verbs.

If there isn’t any reason to keep that fact that the young woman is Lady Shivesa, then let the reader know sooner who the young woman is. It will still seem mysterious because the reader doesn’t know who Lady Shivesa is yet or why she’s standing on the balcony and not able to feel warmth in her heart.

‘Her mother murmured gently.’ Delete ‘gently’ A murmur by definition is gentle. Try to limit the use of adverbs.

It’s unclear is to when the men start following Shivesa and is it all the buyers following her or just the buyers that were looking at the horses?

‘The full grown age of twenty and eight’ Are people not full grown in this world until they are 28?
A fun read.

Happy to back this.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Alexis,

A wonderful premise and wonderfully imaginative story. Great characters, and descriptions. Your off to a wonderful start with a little tightening could be brilliant.

Consider changing your first line to, ‘The sun rose and burnt of the chill off the night.’ It’s more immediate, active. Also eliminates two passive verbs.

If there isn’t any reason to keep that fact that the young woman is Lady Shivesa, then let the reader know sooner who the young woman is. It will still seem mysterious because the reader doesn’t know who Lady Shivesa is yet or why she’s standing on the balcony and not able to feel warmth in her heart.

‘Her mother murmured gently.’ Delete ‘gently’ A murmur by definition is gentle. Try to limit the use of adverbs.

It’s unclear is to when the men start following Shivesa and is it all the buyers following her or just the buyers that were looking at the horses?

‘The full grown age of twenty and eight’ Are people not full grown in this world until they are 28?
A fun read.

Happy to back this.

Laurie – Into The Master’s Lair

Cold, methodical, with writing as smooth as Sam the Sniper's barrel.
backed
Genevieve
Under The Same Sky
p.s. I'd love to hear what you think of my story sometime.

This is massive! I am happy to back such a well-rounded book with interesting characters and dialogue. Its seems lately I have been reading books with something Russian related but I am enjoying it thoroughly. I found your descriptions of the Graceland Cemetery compelling. Best wishes

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Cool. I don't like thrillers. But this, with the sci fi element, really hits the mark. You seem to recapture the russian resurgence on the global political landscape, and perhaps envisage more openly hostile espionage than occurs now. Russia;s control over gas lines, and human rights abuses, see it standing up for itself.

So, though retro, totally forward thinking.

Written well, with dialogue that is more in keeping with the thriller genre, but with interesting ideas. Would like to see how the whole world you create pans out.

BACKED

This is thriller SciFi fantasy. On my shelf.Seems well thought out
and well written.VERY long. The pitch gives Cold War vibes which
date it and could be avoided... thebiotech theme triumphs for me
Best of luck..........mikey..............The Free

I love sci-fi which is based on credible science, extending what we know is possible into situations where it is utilised and exploited. You clearly know your subject because you write convincingly with confidence and clairity, and the plot moves swiftly, but logically, winding up the tension page by page. Your descriptive passages set the each scene perfectly, and the dialogue of your interesting characters really drives the plot along. Backed with pleasure, Best wishes, Tony.

This is an unusual mix of action thriller and sci-fi horror, and it works really well. Fast paced and with loads of action, weird happenings (I like the bit when the prisoner goes into the picture) and an interesting premise.
Nitpick: In the first chapter, I felt there was a slight info dump with the Guillain-Barre syndrome - just a little too much description of the symptoms, which slowed things down.
Backed for being a pacy, thrilling sci-fi romp.

Chapter 7. This makes for good reading and the unusual slant is a bonus. Some good stuff here, dialogue is believable and snappy. A few cultural references that may not be familiar to all readers. Quite a bit of science - which is fine, I like that. In all, this should do well. Shelved. Jim D Serpent's Blood

Rise of the Fallen

Hi

Great pitch, supercharged bad guys and peril to die for. And that was before I got to the truly thrilling bit, your writing. There are flashes where you have overwritten, I don’t think you need to tell us that he is dying twice on that first paragraph for example, but that is a minor quibble. You have a pulsing plot line here and you don’t mess about, the thriller audience need to know what is going to happen, action needs to follow action.

You begin well and I scooted through quite a few chapters to see if the pace slackens off. Wondering if you need a fantasy tag as well, all the fallen angel stuff, might broaden the appeal into the horror market as well. In fact, this seems more Stephen King that Stephen Leatherhead if that makes sense. In that it is dark and nasty and horrific and the bad guys really do have wings!!!

Best wishes and good luck, happy to support this book.
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

Hi - this is really good. You're opening paragraph was fantastic. It really pulls the reader in and keeps us reading. I am happy to shelve your book for a time. Best of luck.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

Hi Michael

wow, what a great first chapter! Very fast paced, lots of action and laced with technical details that actually didn't bore me! I'm going to back this as it deserves support! Good luck with it!
Maria (The Akashic Records).

Cool first chapter.

Couple of typos:
feces – faeces
horses butts – horses' butts

The weaponry detail was rather lost on me but i dare say the chaps will love it!

I liked the photograph cell thing.

I'm putting this on my 'read more of' list.

If you'd like to take a look at 'Witch Child', that would be great...
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=3001

Right, i've fit it on my watchlist, now it's just a matter of time...