New London Masquerade

Hi Rian,

Although a YA writer, I am a big fan of thriller/horror novels and this certainly didn't disappoint. Great intro and the momentum stays there - it really does hold your attention. I'm glad you've uploaded so many chapters as I'm keen to read on as you've created a fantastic set of characters here.

Highly starred!

Lee :-)
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

I found another favourite book, New London Masquerade. Your writing is entertaining, intriquing and gripping. The power of 'Devin'. When you publish I need hard copy

recommended

Wow, I love this, I enjoy horror and fantasy so much, I hadn't checked it out fully and really glad I have now.
Fantastic, and great writing. Best of luck.
Saera
'The Wizard of Crescent Keep'
'The Count's Remorse'

WOW! That’s one hell of an opening!

I like this. I am a horror fan and get tired of the same old stuff over and over. I think you did a masterful job with this story and I like how it differs. You've done a great job with the descriptions and the characters.

Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Rian
I really like reading different storylines in a book which are not the same. I can honestly tell u, ur book is not the same vampire, wolf, or witch story. It is very different. :) It has a very strong storyline between Devin, Sadie, and Barb. I love the different characters and their emotion and the descriptions of the different places u describe. A job well done. :)

Gripping and tense story plot.
Really different ideas in this.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

I just read the first chapter of your book -and though, admittedly, horror is not my favorite genre, your writing is gripping and intriguing. There are a lot of subtleties and complexities that would be interesting to see unfolded.

Interesting-a love triangle between a werewolf, a witch, and a mummy. I love writing that's dialogue-driven such as this. It almost reads like a script.

I'm wondering how decomposed Sadie has become, and whether any acts of necrophilia between Dev and herself are logistically possible if she's being held together.

I really like unique plots such as this. Good work.

Inhale, exhale. I needed that. The battle which featured in chapter 17 is fierce.

I'm gripped on your story. I dip in here and there from time to time

Hi Ya,
I have started to read your book...
Because of the style and formatting well written...i have scored it 6..
will let you know at the appropriate time about the story...
Olga`13

This had been a rather good read. Lovely structure, well paced. Has a got a well polished feel to it.
I hope to read more later.

I don't usually read horror and fantasy, although I have a serial killer book that is under consideration from a publisher that could classify as horror, but it's not what I usually write. However, you have put together a good set of characters and your narrative is perfect for this kind of book. I wish I had time to read it all. Maybe after my book goes where it will go and I have time. I'm giving you five stars on the belief that the rest of the book is written as well as the first chapter. My bookshelf is full, but I may rearrange it in two weeks. Good luck. Let us know when it is published.

lntellegent writing style for this book. very good sci-fi...
and l have backed...
read SEASONS...

Now that I have re-orientated my self ( you writing comes out of left field, thank you for that!) It is to me an extremely singular way of story telling and this sets you apart. I have been reading your book for the last four days when real life does not intervene. I love the original style and I think it will do well with lovers of a Gothic edge.

Colleen

enjoyed chapter one. i felt that the dialogue was realistic. it flowed nicely and gave away just enough about sadie and devins predicament to get the reader interested in the rest of the book. the imagery was also strong, i got a sense of what the scenes looked like. i will read on as i want to find out what has happened to sadie. watchlisted and waiting for space on my bookshelf.

Unique style of writing that takes a little while to get used to...but once you are..you're hooked.
Just proves that the norm isn't always necessarily right.
Bram Stoker proved that with Dracula.
Will go down well with both modern and original gothic horror lovers.
Highly starred for originality.
David

Your horror story horrified me. But its all good because I love those stuff.

Your horror story horrified me. But its all good because I love those stuff.

Your horror story horrified me. But its all good because I love those stuff.

Hi and love the thriller/horror and fantasy storiy and how it starts out immediately I shudder and shiver;) Very good introduction too, holds my interest so wow, what a beginning.
Saerawrites
The Wizard of Crescent Keep

I found another favourite book, New London Masquerade. Your writing is entertaining, intriquing and gripping. The power of 'Devin'. When you publish I need hard copy

recommended

Hi Rian,

Although a YA writer, I am a big fan of thriller/horror novels and this certainly didn't disappoint. Great intro and the momentum stays there - it really does hold your attention. I'm glad you've uploaded so many chapters as I'm keen to read on as you've created a fantastic set of characters here.

Highly starred!

Lee :-)
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

That was very interesting too say the least. It was different.

Wonderful descriptions! Sure is a different twist on things! Happy to back your work. Hope you have a chance to take a look at Dark Side by CC Brown. Good Luck!
Sue50

Hi Rian,
Wow, the action starts in chapter 4 alright. The action is tense and fast paced. Written well. The narrator calls the demons/aliens Devilbillies, but without a reason to. Seems like that comes out of nowhere. Ditto “sungun”. How would anyone know these terms? Also, I am not sure how Cadence knew the Devilbillie had two hearts either. He had time to recall that they had two hearts while he was remembering. I’d suggest adding that memory. Then a new weapon, a lightning scythe? I suggest that maybe the “Devilbillies” need to name themselves and their weapons to each other in their thoughts that Devin hears.

Being wild and surrealistic is fine, but to create believability of something unbelievable, you need a logic path. Otherwise, it is hard to sound like more than an animated comic strip. How does Cadence know to call Devin a Wulf and not a wolf. I’d suggest having Cadence use the term Wolf and have Devin correct him, saying “I’m not a wolf. I’m a Wulf.” Or some version similar.

The aliens are described vividly and dramatically. They are so clearly alien, but obviously these aliens have probably caused the myths of demons from their descriptions. Another good tie to some believability.

Kind of like watching a “Blade” movie. Oops, dating myself. The story line is good, and the surrealism grows on you. Not my style of writing, but fun to read. Exciting for sure.

Hope my suggestions are not too critical. Thanks.

Wow, I love this, I enjoy horror and fantasy so much, I hadn't checked it out fully and really glad I have now.
Fantastic, and great writing. Best of luck.
Saera
'The Wizard of Crescent Keep'
'The Count's Remorse'

Hi Rian.
A fantastic story. Beginning in a small studio and expanding to epic proportions. Quite remarkable how you've built it up.
A great mixture of monster characters and aliens rather than sticking to one. They are so human and yet so not.
Your descriptions of action and fantasy places are spot on, it really conjures up a film in your head.
Perfect recipe for young American adults and written in a very adult, intellectual way. You've a massive audience out there.
Very highly polished, nothing to nit pick about.
I'll have a look at the other books you've listed.
I wish you all the luck in the world, as this is all you need now.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

Hi Rian,
Read through chapter 3.
Chapter 2 was a sudden twist that at first seemed a whole different story. The letter is a little disjointed, but the style of it adds to the surrealism. It makes Callow seem slightly crazy. Which seems intentional.

Chapter 3 was back to Devin. He makes a slightly scary anti-hero. The staccato structure of the chapter seems to be an intentional style. Short bullet driven paragraphs. It is jarring in some ways, but actually appealing in this surreal world-setting where the police give up on a dragon-creature that leaves whole towns dead.

I have to say that your characters all make very short statements at each other. It doesn’t feel like a conversation so much as a running series of one-liners. I’m not yet sure if that contributes to the style you’ve selected or not. The discussions between the characters don’t seem natural in the sense of you and I speaking. Is this to set up the surrealism a bit stronger? It’s like reading “Sin City” as a novel.

The story definitely has grip and the style piques something in me that finds it appealing. Uh oh. I think my dark-side is calling.

I look forward to reading a bit more, Rian. Thanks.

 Rian,
I read the first chapter. 
So far this is squarely horror, but I am not sure where it is headed. This is in part because some issues i found with the writing  I found your uses of dashes distracting- I think most (not all) should be replaced by commas. Also, you have some sentences which I found awkward. I took the liberty of suggesting alternatives to some. 
Hook and plot- the hook seems to be the love triangle and Barb's jealousy. This is a classic hook and works well enough. I found Sadie a bit too weak as a character and Barb a bit too aggressive.  This means that I found myself not rooting for either, which undermines the hook. Maybe if Sadie were less pathetic or Barb more appealing the hook would work better. 
So far the killing felt has not appeared, so this is only a minor hook. However, I think it hooks well enough.
Plot is set up well- again, the love triangle and what happened to Sadie are the questions at the end of the chapter. There is a tension being created adequately at this point. 
Character dev- unfortunately, both women come across as exaggerated and as rather caricatures in this chapter. I think this is fine with Barb, but I wish Sadie were a bit more developed. 
The MC is a bit better, but he is so conflicted, and his curse is so unexplained, that it is unclear at this point what kind of character he is. 
I suggest you spend a bit more time fleshing out these characters. 
Comments as I read

   She breathed huskily—choking up on heart for him.
The heart?
    Somedays she almost wished he were free of her.
No space before ellipses. 
    “I guess I get relapses is all.  I’m a woman.  I need reassurances.”
Steam out the ears. Not all women are insecure. How about "I'm a rotting corpse. I need reassurance."?
He had long before traded revulsion at her rotting frame—in for a burning need to touch her soul despite her husk.
Suggest " he had long traded in revulsion at her rotting frame for a burning need..."
Suggest you replace double dashes with em dashes. 
  It was good of his friend Roc to let him borrow the studio keys for the evening.  
In the first paragraph you called it "his studio"  Is it his, or Roc's?
there was still work to do before long.
Typically, the expression "still work to do before"  is followed by an activity, like "before they could visit the morgue for spare limbs" and not "long". Suggest "still a lot of work to do." 
Soon they left and he lingered at her apartment for another hour before carrying on with his starry slaughter. 
I thought they were at the studio. 
"starry slaughter" is strange- you mean nighttime slaughter?
Some day—she deigned in her darkest dreams to predict—that he would find a living woman to love him—and move on under shroud of night, never heard from again.
Use commas instead of dashes, like this:
Some day, she deigned in her darkest dreams to predict, he would find a living woman to love him and move on under shroud of night, never to be heard from again.
Devin’s fragile secret, 
Why fragil?
for rather than spending every night on the kill—he had someone else he was seeing.
Replace dash with comma
He was caught between a rock and a heart place. 
A pun! That was unexpected. 
Generally, most of your dashes (not all of them, but most, should be replaced with commas. 
gym diva mogul 
A mogul of gym divas? Do you mean "a diva, a gym mogul."?
How she had scissored her legs to speed them both up out of the water in a 
Up or out, not both 
Few ever claimed to seeing a Wylde, 
Should be " to have seen"
He never mentioned the matter again until it became of such urgent import that either he told her everything--or Sadie died.
I thought Sadie was dead  anyway it is awkward. Suggest you rephrase. 
He never mentioned the matter again, not until the day it became of such urgent import that Sadie's life depended on it. 
   It was a foreign concept to him—being willing to share someone’s love with a stranger—instead of just letting them go—but Barb seemed to embrace it. 
What does this mean? Who is the stranger? I think you mean:
   It was a foreign concept to him, being willing to admit his  love of another woman with his lover instead of just letting her go. But Barb seemed to embrace it. 
Is that what you mean?
spent together in chains.
In chains? Metaphorically, or is this part of Barb's newfound boldness?

He saw Sadie so little lately, he could not afford excuse.
An excuse. But are you sure that is what you want to say? Not "he wanted to take every opportunity afforded to him?"

shortly shuddered.
?
some days never coming back for a week, 
Suggest "some times"
Best of luch with it,
Maeve

Hi Rian

Horror is not my thing but I found reading the first chapter interestingly different, keep up the good work

I like this. I am a horror fan and get tired of the same old stuff over and over. I think you did a masterful job with this story and I like how it differs. You've done a great job with the descriptions and the characters.

Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Jennifer Killby - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Strong premise and good writing! Starred!

Have a great day!

Scott, The Ark of Humanity

There are parts in your narratives that sometimes make me think I am reading poetry (I love poetry). Love your style, never read one like it before, new is intriguing, always.

~Kat Mauve
Rage-holic

You've clearly put some effort into this. Good story line.

Enthusiastically backed!

Cursory review of the cover:
Cover art. Works well to convey that this is dark sci-fi/horror.
Short pitch- intreaguing.
Long pitch- Interesting story. My only comment is:
"redeem his soul before the end times were over."
which seems a bit awkward to me... I guess the proximity of the words end and over seem odd to me- maybe if you capitalize End of Times?
First few lines- No chapter headings? I see this is going to start out as horror more than sci-fi. I pause, thinking, I thought I was reading sci fi.

It was good.

Yikes, Rian--those last few lines of Chapter 2 sent a chill up my spine. What a creepy letter. I'm glad I pushed on because it was well worth the wait. It's the kind of story that leaves you thinking about it even after you put it down. Now I'm reflecting on who's the monster, who's the hero, and how the answers to these questions don't come easy which is exactly how you want to provoke readers in my opinion. Also, excellent pursuit and fight/flight scenes with the petrol station girl as the casualty. It's also amazing how you pulled off the background scenes in a letter of all things. I see a little of Shelly, a little of Barker, and a lot of Torr in your own gothic voice. My only suggestion is make the font larger for geriatric readers like me. High stars. Am impressed.

Dean Lombardo
"Space Games."

WOW! That’s one hell of an opening!

Hi,
I read your first chapter. I'm not into horror stories, so I can't comment on the book. As far as the writing goes, it's well written. It flows well, and the characters are well developed.

i backed and put your book on WL...will do my best to read and get abck..all the best... x

Hi Rian, read the first chapter and tried to get into it. I think all the hyphens put me off a little bit as they were somewhat distracting. However, I enjoyed what I read and will W/L so that I can come back and have another read.

SJ

Hi Rian, read the first chapter and tried to get into it. I think all the hyphens put me off a little bit as they were somewhat distracting. However, I enjoyed what I read and will W/L so that I can come back and have another read.

SJ

Extraordinary!

Regards,
Winston Emerson
A Circle in the Woods

Hi Rian,
I read the first chapter and it reads well. It drops the reader right into the middle of things and makes them start guessing to figure it out. I think that makes a good hook.

From “She breathed huskily…” to “She was already dead of course…” The lines flip back and forth between the characters. From both their perspectives. Interesting and different.

There is a lot of “telling” although it is told well. In this genre, you can probably get away with that. I would suggest you may want to try to choose a point of view (POV) and hold it, letting that character act out or share the information.

It may just be me, but some of the narrator's dialog seems to slip into a past tense, then back into a present tense. I like the immediacy of present tense as it demands the reader to feel what is happening in the now. You may want to consider that, then reread the narrative that follows after the sentence, “She was already dead of course…”


I like how Devin “… played up the severity of his misadventures…” to Sadie.

There is a lot covered fast in the first chapter. There seems to be enough untold story there to split it into two chapters and have the characters “show” the story more than your having a narrator “tell” it. This may make the story start slower, so it's something you'll have to decide. Just a thought.


I like that the first chapter ends hanging too. That assures that the next chapter must be read.

My immediate impression is good and macabre. Definitely different. Not my usual fare, but captivating.

Now my disclaimer: Please feel free to ignore any suggestions that you feel won’t fit your vision of the story. All I’m offering is some things to consider, and discard if you like. If I get too critical, please let me know. I try to offer something constructive when I read, and as I read more I may find you’ve taken care of it in the next chapter.

I’ll read some more later and get back to you. Thanks for bringing your story to my attention.

Hi Rian,
I read the first chapter and it reads well. It drops the reader right into the middle of things and makes them start guessing to figure it out. I think that makes a good hook.

From “She breathed huskily…” to “She was already dead of course…” The lines flip back and forth between the characters. From both their perspectives. Interesting and different.

There is a lot of “telling” although it is told well. In this genre, you can probably get away with that. I would suggest you may want to try to choose a point of view (POV) and hold it, letting that character act out or share the information.

It may just be me, but some of the narrator's dialog seems to slip into a past tense, then back into a present tense. I like the immediacy of present tense as it demands the reader to feel what is happening in the now. You may want to consider that, then reread the narrative that follows after the sentence, “She was already dead of course…”


I like how Devin “… played up the severity of his misadventures…” to Sadie.

There is a lot covered fast in the first chapter. There seems to be enough untold story there to split it into two chapters and have the characters “show” the story more than your having a narrator “tell” it. This may make the story start slower, so it's something you'll have to decide. Just a thought.


I like that the first chapter ends hanging too. That assures that the next chapter must be read.

My immediate impression is good and macabre. Definitely different. Not my usual fare, but captivating.

Now my disclaimer: Please feel free to ignore any suggestions that you feel won’t fit your vision of the story. All I’m offering is some things to consider, and discard if you like. If I get too critical, please let me know. I try to offer something constructive when I read, and as I read more I may find you’ve taken care of it in the next chapter.

I’ll read some more later and get back to you. Thanks for bringing your story to my attention.

Great story for sci-fi fans.

Lisa. x

alien, devil, dragon, goats, heros, horror, invasion, mummies, mummy, spaceship, ufo, vampire, vampires, zombie, zombies
*Goats in the middle of your tag list is hilarious!! Best of luck :):)

I usually look at the tags of a story before proceeding, as they tell me what I can expect from a story. I saw 'goats', laughed a little, and jumped on into the story. The opening was good, just way too many hyphens for me to digest. I suggest scaling down on them a little, as some can be replaced with a comma, as it clogs up the story and slows it down.

Aside from that, the chapters were well paced, and the characters deep. I feel you should concentrate on dialogue more when it comes to interactions between the characters, as it feels way to stoic to come across as real.

I look forward to see this book's growth.

Cheers,
Marisa
Tower of Paradise

Rian,

I've just read your opening chapter. And to briefly preface my comments, I'm not really a huge reader of these types of novels, but was really impressed with the confidence and originality of your writing. I like the imagery in the opening scene, with Dev and Sadie dancing around the studio. The short, one line sentences work very well, adding as much pace to the narrative as colour. And, as the chapter progresses, you stirke a good balance between setting your story up, introducing your characters with descriptions of backdrop/physical appearances (which are great) and dropping in a bit of backstory. And-you've got a great cliffanging hook at the end of the chapter.

Minor points. 'Choking up on heart for him' - I wasn't sure about. I know you've got 'a rock and heart place' which is a nice play on words, but this didn't read so well for me. And 'I try not to think on it.' - perhaps 'think about it' would be better here.

That said, a very compelling read. From your synopsis, I've not a clue where this is heading - in a good way - but would definitely have carried on reading had I more time.

Best of luck with your writing.

NA 'The Butterfly and the Wheel'

This is not my ususal genre but I am loving it. your opening is beautifully written it captures the reader. my favourite was chapter 3 I loved the characters thoughts and your writing is very descriptive, ' to be the hunter was his true form-it was his wholeness.' Brilliantly written on my watchlist highly starred.

Hello Rian-

book- New London Masquerade--

very good cover and most suited to the storyline-
Read the first four chapters and three more further on down to get the flavour-
As science fiction stories go, this is one of the better ones on site- intriguing plot-
Enjoyed the opening dialogue, which immediately captures what is to come-
in the second chapter in which Gavin's well told story to Devin is interesting
and certainly got my attention-
Certainly a book for vampire lovers to relish and as there is a big market for this genre'
i have no doubt that this book will rise to the top and do well-

good luck Rian
tom bye
book from hugs to kisses'
in chapters 15, and 16 in mine- i did see the banshee and in 18 i did sense the fear of the devil-

Hi,
Started reading this and found you painted the pictures very well.
Very visual, very evocative. Dialogue flows well and the narrative has good pace.
As someone here siad, the letter is too long.
What to do?
I would start with a shortened version of the letter. Next move into chapter one, then use a flashback to fill in missing info as a scene? Some readers object to being thrust from one part of the story to the next, but as a scene - if it is engaging, I think it works.
Well, that's my take on it - who the hell am I to advise? Just another amateur writer I guess, like the rest of them.
Deservedly backed.!