Maddalena-Daughter of The Wolf

This is terrific. Well written and absorbing. Even though you begin with simple details such as where you were born and lived, your writing has the quality of being instantly involving - at least it does for me. A fascianting subject, told from first hand and with a ready and waiting audience, I would think. Are you putting up any more?
Cariad.

Tears flowed as I read chapter 1. What an immensely powerful chapter, probably because I could identify with so much of the oppression you are describing. The similarities between the reign of fascism and communism for me growing up in Romania had me in goosebumps. I look forward anxiously to read chapter 2.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Alice, the detail in your work is wonderful and the content intelligent. This is clearly a subject of which you know a great deal and you write with a kind of smouldering passion that is just a delight. there is an underlying inevitability
about the tale that grabs at the senses. Difficult for me to describe but I was sure drawn in to the story. These are just a few short coffee break notes but I promise to return to your work very soon. You know your craft well.

regards

Cyrus Hellion 2

Dear Alice

I am so glad I found your book, "Maddalena, Daughter Of The Wolf". What an interesting, authentic and engrossing account of life it Italy in the 1930's and 1940's. I have read your intro and chapter 1, and been thoroughly engaged.

Your tone is conversational. The period you write about is fascinating and rather under-represented in the plethora of literature about WW2. The Italian experience is often glossed over, yet here it is, as a piece of social history. Educative and lively, I would have no trouble reading all you have posted here, time permitting.

All the best with this.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" xx :)

History writing at its very best. Maddalena is about life under the Fascists in Italy. I’m enjoying the tiny detail, the school salutes, the nationalist song called Giovenezza, that talks about every poor neighbourhood rallying to the cause. Balzano is new to me.

I visited a few of the places on Garda, the gunboat poet D'Annuzio’s mausoleum, and through studying the Futurists I understand a lot more. Very dire warnings here. Well done.

This book is so wonderfully written that it is hard to stop reading. I love your authentic descriptions you really do take the reder on an absorbing journey, Excellent read 6* All the best Karen, Faking it in France.

Added to WL and rated, will back when free spot. Sue ''It's a Dog's Life''

Lovely book, perfect in the detail.
Best wishes
Tom

Thank goodness I changed all those errors in my published book.
Should really update what I have on here.
Thanks for your comments - will look at your work ASAP.
Alice

I read your introduction and first chapter.

General comments: A moving start. Maddalena is a tough, resilient person. Her story is finely drawn and well-textured. Haunting imagery. Stunning sense of time and place. Plenty of tension. Nice pacing.

Specific comments on the introduction:
1) 'So, she bravely squared-up to the man that we had identified as the German officer in charge ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'who' for people.
2) 'Before the war reached Lugo, our Street, Via Cento, had been like ... ' 'Street' should be lowercase.
3) ' ... as war closed-in on a busy, productive and close-knit neighboured.' 'Neighboured' should be 'neighbourhood.'
4) 'We were going to stay with an old and very dear friend of my mothers.' Mothers (plural) should be mother's (possessive).

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The motto of the Blackshirts was 'Me ne frego' (I do not care)' Period after the closing parentheses mark.
2) ' ... the Blackshirts would rough-up any adult that did not sing it with vigor ... ' 'That' should be 'who.'
3) 'And, I only learned in later years about my parent's differing views about ... ' Parent's (singular possessive) should be parents' (plural possessive).
4) 'There was the wonderful smell of linen boiling in a huge cauldron ... ' When you mention smell, try to characterize it. What was this smell? Was it floral, like roses? Was it a lemon aroma? A sharp chlorine smell? When you characterize the smell, you'll plunge the reader deeper into the scene.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Alice.

Al

I read your introduction and first chapter.

General comments: A moving start. Maddalena is a tough, resilient person. Her story is finely drawn and well-textured. Haunting imagery. Stunning sense of time and place. Plenty of tension. Nice pacing.

Specific comments on the introduction:
1) 'So, she bravely squared-up to the man that we had identified as the German officer in charge ... ' 'That' should be 'who.' Use 'who' for people.
2) 'Before the war reached Lugo, our Street, Via Cento, had been like ... ' 'Street' should be lowercase.
3) ' ... as war closed-in on a busy, productive and close-knit neighboured.' 'Neighboured' should be 'neighbourhood.'
4) 'We were going to stay with an old and very dear friend of my mothers.' Mothers (plural) should be mother's (possessive).

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The motto of the Blackshirts was 'Me ne frego' (I do not care)' Period after the closing parentheses mark.
2) ' ... the Blackshirts would rough-up any adult that did not sing it with vigor ... ' 'That' should be 'who.'
3) 'And, I only learned in later years about my parent's differing views about ... ' Parent's (singular possessive) should be parents' (plural possessive).
4) 'There was the wonderful smell of linen boiling in a huge cauldron ... ' When you mention smell, try to characterize it. What was this smell? Was it floral, like roses? Was it a lemon aroma? A sharp chlorine smell? When you characterize the smell, you'll plunge the reader deeper into the scene.

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know how I might improve it?

Have a marvelous day, Alice.

Al

Wow, I was just going to read a little to get a feel for this, next thing I know I'm looking for the website. This is a very well crafted book.
Alice, I'm due a rotation soon and I will be supporting this - In the meantime, I have rated this very highly and will comment more when I re-read it (didn't have my critic hat on.
Ian

This is terrific. Well written and absorbing. Even though you begin with simple details such as where you were born and lived, your writing has the quality of being instantly involving - at least it does for me. A fascianting subject, told from first hand and with a ready and waiting audience, I would think. Are you putting up any more?
Cariad.

A terrific opening chapter. The introduction is a tremendous piece of writing and the other two are equally strong, but for different reasons. Highly starred and remains on my WL for further reading.

I returned for a read of chapter 2. I cannot imagine the intensity of the emotions upon seeing the farmhouse in the distance and the relief of having a safe place with adequate food and safety. It's so beautifully written. I will definitely go to your website :) Thank you for posting it on autho.

Alice, I look forward to your feedback on my book when you have a chance.
TDonna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

This book should nominated for award when it comes out. It is a powerful literature. Imagine, there is poem in it. See i have given your book six outstanding.

This is a winner. Told factually and with narrative that is flawless as any history book. This is an important book because no one knows this part of the war and how innocent civilians are always caught between ruling governments who have no thought about their people. I am giving it six sstars and am backing it.

Alice, the detail in your work is wonderful and the content intelligent. This is clearly a subject of which you know a great deal and you write with a kind of smouldering passion that is just a delight. there is an underlying inevitability
about the tale that grabs at the senses. Difficult for me to describe but I was sure drawn in to the story. These are just a few short coffee break notes but I promise to return to your work very soon. You know your craft well.

regards

Cyrus Hellion 2

Oh, I meant to also say that another incredibly powerful and fascinating read for me was Twenty Letters to a Friend written by Stalin's daughter, Svetlana Alliluyeva aka Lana Peters.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Tears flowed as I read chapter 1. What an immensely powerful chapter, probably because I could identify with so much of the oppression you are describing. The similarities between the reign of fascism and communism for me growing up in Romania had me in goosebumps. I look forward anxiously to read chapter 2.
T.Donna
(No Kiss Good-bye)

Well written and on historical count. please with this book. Oh, poor girl, brother was taken to work in war zone then taken as prisoners of war.
taken away to rescue camps. further understanding about Mosilini and more of 1984.

Brilliant, well done.

I think you could afford to make more of the literary references that you begin when you mention Orwell's books.

I think it would be difficult to get right but you could add a sort of side narrative which perhaps discusses the international outlook, the propaganda, and other media aspects.

Does Italian Fascism have more in common with Spanish Fascism for instance.

You mention the Allied Radio as well, what is that like exactly?

This subject matter could be intertwined or could take place in separate chapters depending on stylistic concerns.

I think it would be worthwhile thinking on this because as it is I don't truely believe Madelene is telling the story, (apart from during the introduction,) so I kinda want the story to encompass more that just the period as it happens to her... if that makes sense.

In any case I think you need to either ditch the 1984 reference or hit it up in status.

Enjoyed it very much, informative, very well researched and entertaining.

Excellent, plus plus plus.

Thanks and Regards

Kit

It's a great opening chapter and it gets you hooked because we know we are building to the drama of the brother being taken away.

You then very clearly and concisely present a story which teaches the reader about a subject, I at least, didn't know very much about.

Although we know loads in Britain about Nazi Germany we don't study Italian Fascism in the same depth.

I love your comment about 1984 at the end because, yes this all does remind the reader of Orwell's themes there.

I do however wonder if you should be so explicit in your reference to the book; would your narrator be aware of the book at this time, or can she just notice the particular aspects to which you are alluding?

It might be better to more tightly weave in these themes as they appear and allow the reader to have the brainwave of realising "oh, this is all a bit 1984."

Cheers, I'll read 2&3 now.

Kit

Hi Alice,

Sorry it's taken me so long to get round reading this.

It's great! Very informative and extremely well written. I like the PoV and the narrative, its very engaging for the reader - as if I'm actually being spoken to by Maddalena. It's also a very refreshing viewpoint on the subject at hand, an introspective account of Italy in WW2.

Cheers,
Adam

Dear Alice,
Of course, as you indicate, there was something of a north-south divide and also various perspectives on Mussolini. Many Italians saw him, initially at least, as the man who got things done, got the trains running on time, built new towns in depressed areas and so on. But the war distorted everything and allowed the other side to come through. Your book is therefore an especially interesting tale from 'on the ground' so to speak and consequently an important part of Italian social history.
I wish you every success with it.
Kind regards,
Uncas

Maddalena. Yes, I remember now, Italy's part in the second World War, from my studies many years ago. You give a vivid, fluid account, and the first person brings those times alive.

Ch.1-2 Even though the story is told in longish, unbroken paragraphs which are especially hard to read on computer, you make it interesting with your easy flowing style.
And the personal anecdotes add realism to the historical facts.
Love the little detail of Zia Louisa changing her dress before running for shelter. And your description of the farmhouse and its ambiance is beautiful.

I have, indeed, enjoyed reading the smaple of your book!

Jane (Breath of Africa).

Dear Alice

I am so glad I found your book, "Maddalena, Daughter Of The Wolf". What an interesting, authentic and engrossing account of life it Italy in the 1930's and 1940's. I have read your intro and chapter 1, and been thoroughly engaged.

Your tone is conversational. The period you write about is fascinating and rather under-represented in the plethora of literature about WW2. The Italian experience is often glossed over, yet here it is, as a piece of social history. Educative and lively, I would have no trouble reading all you have posted here, time permitting.

All the best with this.

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" xx :)

interesting on my wl. Have look at ache in my heart, 4 chapters 4 dirrerent topics, some for everyone's interest. Distress is beneficial for modern day stress remedy.

Hello Alice-
book- Maddalena- daughter of the wolf-

Well done Maddalena; you have made a very good attempt to get a book going-
It will do well as a pocket sort of book, for a quick read when one is travelling
I found it very well researched and containing loads of historical information about the situation ; as was
in Italy after the German invasion--;and making for a very good read-
Your book will be of interest to social historians in years to come-

good luck
tom bye Dublin Ireland
We had our own trouble with the Germans- see chapter 12 in my book- depicting the bombing of Dublin inner city the them- and we were a neutral country and had an agreement with them that it would not happen-
thanks

This was very intriguing, well researched and well written. I have a soft spot for Mussolini. He reminds me of a young Marlon Brando with gout.

First person is very tricky, well done,
Best Regards,
Rian Torr
New London Masquerade

MADDALENA-DAUGHTER OF THE WOLF
This is an interesting spotlight on a virtual unknown person in history. Beginning this by recounting how Italy entered WWII was interesting. I realized after reading only the first few pages, there was a lot I’ve never heard about Italy’s involvement. Maddalena is an interesting person to follow because she’s so innocent as to what is happening around her. If I had a suggestion it would be to break your large paragraphs into smaller ones. Large paragraphs makes this appear as if it’s more of a history textbook than a novel, and that’s a disservice to the book. It’s much more interested than a textbook. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This is fascinating material, told from a viewpoint that is fresh and first hand. I realise your book is already published, but for me, the impact of it would have been even greater if you had begun with Maddelena's 'normal' life, before her brother was arrested. We need more of her voice before you describe the bigger political picture.

A huge compliment from someone that, by virtue of your qualifications as an Historian, is far more likely to know what you are talking about.
Thank you so much.
Alice

An amazing and thought provoking work told from a unique and little considered side of history. Excellent work Alice, good luck.

Jack

I wasn't aware you were a teacher, and that I was here to learn from you.

It is staggering that you have made an assumption that Maddalena justifies the behaviour of Mussolini or Hitler when you haven't read the book! She does no such thing.

But having said that, 'real' war experiences are not like Hollywood; there are/were no straight-down-the-line 'goodies' and 'baddies'. Sometimes baddies are/were a bit good, and sometimes all those 'John Wayne ' heroes that you have been indoctrinated to believe only behaved impeccably, did/do some bad stuff.

Virtually the whole book is dialogue - she is telling her story.

Maddalena and I are very happy that the 1,000 + purchases of the book so far, and the numerous emails of praise, are a pretty good reflection on how well this book has been received.

It is sometimes a good idea to put your ingrained prejudice aside and see how someone else viewed these momentous events without being so judgemental, especially as Maddalena actually lived through it.

Also, for reference, Maddalena has had complete editorial control. This is her story.

"So in actuality you've learned nothing - I mean don't you think the beginning of a book is important? This is what hooks the reader. This is what makes them read or buy the book. In my comments I made a number of valid points that I thought would help to make this a better read. So really what you are saying is that I should read the entire book in the hope of coming to some dialogue etc - I've just realised you are the person that wrote that Hitler was quite a good person in the beginning, the same as Mussolini. Eh? Do you think they just suffered from a bad press and that deep down they were just simply misunderstood? With comments like that which, I find offensive, I think that just about sums up your ineptitude to grasp what the Second World War was about. You are the person that is responsible for the telling of this woman's life story - it is a pity you cannot take a position in the background - it is not about you, it is about her. - Mick

"I think perhaps you need to read the whole book, as you are referring only to the introduction (not the first chapter in the book), which sets the scene of time and place.
This is a personal account from Maddalena, her thoughts, her take on the the life she lived (be that the reference to 1984 or otherwise). Given the feedback I have received thus far from readers of the whole book, I believe that the book does indeed give much of what you are looking for - an inroduction cannot hope to do that.
But, anyway, despite your limited knowledge of the book, I thank you for stopping by."

So in actuality you've learned nothing - I mean don't you think the beginning of a book is important? This is what hooks the reader. This is what makes them read or buy the book. In my comments I made a number of valid points that I thought would help to make this a better read. So really what you are saying is that I should read the entire book in the hope of coming to some dialogue etc - I've just realised you are the person that wrote that Hitler was quite a good person in the beginning, the same as Mussolini. Eh? Do you think they just suffered from a bad press and that deep down they were just simply misunderstood? With comments like that which, I find offensive, I think that just about sums up your ineptitude to grasp what the Second World War was about. You are the person that is responsible for the telling of this woman's life story - it is a pity you cannot take a position in the background - it is not about you, it is about her. - Mick

I think perhaps you need to read the whole book, as you are referring only to the introduction (not the first chapter in the book), which sets the scene of time and place.
This is a personal account from Maddalena, her thoughts, her take on the the life she lived (be that the reference to 1984 or otherwise). Given the feedback I have received thus far from readers of the whole book, I believe that the book does indeed give much of what you are looking for - an inroduction cannot hope to do that.
But, anyway, despite your limited knowledge of the book, I thank you for stopping by.
Alice

Your book, in this first chapter, seems confused to me, an hotch-potch of ideas and memories, with bursts of historical references to what life was like firstly, in fascist Italy and then secondly, under the jackboot of German Nazis in the north. Then you finish off with a reference to Orwell's 1984, although I don't seem to recall Newspeak, and Doublethink, being part of Mussolini's ideaology, thuggery and brutality yes. 1984 is a symbolic book of the horrors of totalitarianism and was actually written with Stalin's USSR in mind. I fully understand, in my own limited fashion, what you are trying to say. It was indeed a dark period in Italian history, as it was in the world, and to a degree it shows the brain-washing technics to make a nation docile, conform, obey, and hate. (I might add all of these are still relevant in this day and age) I think my principal problem is that you are continuosly telling us what happened and not showing us. It seems a very modern take on this woman's life. It doesn't feel as if its come from 1940's Italy, but is more akin to your perspective. There is no dialogue. It's like watching a newsreel. I want my senses awakened. The smells, the sounds, the bands, the parades, the crunching of the jack boots, Mussolini's speeches - Italy marching to war and the fear of those people who disagreed - the Communists, the trade unionists, the Socialists, the good-hearted people who knew in their hearts this was wrong - where are they? Mick

Your book, in this first chapter, seems confused to me, an hotch-potch of ideas and memories, with bursts of historical references to what life was like firstly, in fascist Italy and then secondly, under the jackboot of German Nazis in the north. Then you finish off with a reference to Orwell's 1984, although I don't seem to recall Newspeak, and Doublethink, being part of Mussolini's ideaology, thuggery and brutality yes. 1984 is a symbolic book of the horrors of totalitarianism and was actually written with Stalin's USSR in mind. I fully understand, in my own limited fashion, what you are trying to say. It was indeed a dark period in Italian history, as it was in the world, and to a degree it shows the brain-washing technics to make a nation docile, conform, obey, and hate. (I might add all of these are still relevant in this day and age) I think my principal problem is that you are continuosly telling us what happened and not showing us. It seems a very modern take on this woman's life. It doesn't feel as if its come from 1940's Italy, but is more akin to your perspective. There is no dialogue. It's like watching a newsreel. I want my senses awakened. The smells, the sounds, the bands, the parades, the crunching of the jack boots, Mussolini's speeches - Italy marching to war and the fear of those people who disagreed - the Communists, the trade unionists, the Socialists, the good-hearted people who knew in their hearts this was wrong - where are they? Mick

An amazing and thought provoking work told from a unique and little considered side of history. Excellent work Alice, good luck.

Jack

this character is so cleverly built, it is no wonder she lives! how fresh to read a piece about a woman from this era, and that from italy. this is an enjoyable read and well done. you make it seem effortless, but i know it wasn´t. you have done good research...
j
what every woman should know

History writing at its very best. Maddalena is about life under the Fascists in Italy. I’m enjoying the tiny detail, the school salutes, the nationalist song called Giovenezza, that talks about every poor neighbourhood rallying to the cause. Balzano is new to me.

I visited a few of the places on Garda, the gunboat poet D'Annuzio’s mausoleum, and through studying the Futurists I understand a lot more. Very dire warnings here. Well done.

interesting and informative....brilliantly written too...making this a good read...
backed...
read SEASONS...

James
Thanks for you time and trouble reading the small sample of my book. Your grammar is excellent, and I found that very useful.

My book is, as I mention, based on Maddalena's memories and experiences. However, she wanted me to 'set the scene' a little by giving a wider view of the war. She is looking back, so I believe her reference to World war Two is correct. Also, Italian propaganda showed war as ongoing from 1939. These newsreels were probably phoney, but again, these are Maddalena's memories and understanding at the time.

It is interesting that you question the Italian's knowledge of the German's inhumanity. Like a lot of people at that time, particularly in the west, the true horror of the Nazi regime was not really accepted. Hitler put on a good show. Or, as Maddalena said, they heard things, but they were thought to be grossly exaggerated as they couldn't possibly be true.

As for Mussolini being a racist, not true in his early years of rule, according to history, Maddalena and other Italians I have spoken to. He spoke up for and defended the Italian Jews initially. Having said that, he certainly became everything he was eventually hated for, but like Hitler, he was a good guy to start with and did a great deal to improve life in Italy.

Although it was known that Hitler had a hatred of Jews, by those that read books about such things, what he was actually 'doing' about that during the war wasn't. As you say, the west didn't know the full extent of this until the last days of the war - why should the general Italian population be any different?

You also mention Italy's incompetence. I not sure being beaten back by a Russian winter can be seen as incompetence. Lots bad decisions were made during that war, including by our beloved Churchhill. Whether Barbarossa cost Hitler the war, is disputable, maybe it was his delay in attacking Britain.

However, I digress, this is a personal account from someone who lived through World War Two, and all the rest is window dressing to support that story. As long as my sources are genuine, many so-called 'facts' will always be in dispute.

Once again, many, many thanks for your input - it was very kind of you.
Alice

I read a sizeable chunk of your first chapter with interest. I studied History at degree level and my dissertation was on the Second World War (admittedly I don't know a lot about the Italian contribution - my interest was on the Soviets) , so I might be able to give you a few history tips. I've provided a very detailed list of suggestions as to how you might improve your work, which I hope you'll read. Most of my comments are to do with tiny grammatical and punctuation errors, the odd spelling-mistake or omitted word (I have an eye for these), and better phrasings. In particular I am concerned about the length of your paragraphs, many of which are doorstoppers. You are going to need to go through this and break up many of the paras into smaller chunks, not just for presentation - people like "white space" on a page - but readability. Apart from this, a very interesting read. Sometimes a bit too much like reading a history textbook and not a story, it's very impersonal - from what I've read the events are told not shown - but unique nonetheless. I'm rating 5 stars, based on what I've read so far.

Hope this will help you and I hope you'll check out my offering, "Tamria."

James


****

"when World War Two was declared in on 3rd September 1939" - lose the "in" - "declared on." Also, a small history lesson, WWII wasn't called this when it first broke out, as with the First World War, which was originally referred to as "the Great War." It was only later that it came to be known to as "the Second World War," and only in 1940-1941 did it became an actual "world" war. Before the involvement of the Soviet Union and US the conflict was strictly limited to the Middle East, Mediterranean and Europe. Retrospectively, it would be all right for someone who experienced World War Two to refer to it that way, but as someone who is speaking of the events from memory, would she call it that? The people of the day wouldn't say "World War Two has broken out." I'm not sure, maybe this is something you should think carefully about.

"This pact committed both countries to support the other" - surely "support each other" ? That flows much better.

"When Mussolini joined his ally, Germany" - isn't this tautology? A silly nit-pick I know, but "to join" has the same meaning as "to ally." A better phrase would be: "When Mussolini allied with Germany, in the Rome-Berlin Axis, it was with great optimism..."

"His nearest rival geographically" - Better would be: "His nearest geographical rival". But this is another tautology - "nearest" implies geographically closest. And anyone who has the slightest knowledge of Europe knows that France and Italy are neighbours (except perhaps some Americans!) Just "His nearest rival France"

"on the brink of surrendering" - "on the brink of surrender" is better, I think.

Your account of Italy's invasion of France - very amusing. In WWII the Italian Army was the only one that could be said to fare worse than the French, who are history's traditional losers! The Italians always seem to be putting their feet in it - their botched attempt to grab more territory in Eastern Europe in 1941 caused Hitler to delay his invasion of Russia and was probably responsible for Germany's ultimate defeat at the hand of the Soviets, who would likely have been trounced if they had been invaded just a few weeks earlier. "Operation Barbarossa" came within spitting distance of capturing Moscow and only the harsh winter stopped them from advancing further - but for that, the Nazis might very well have prevailed. All say a big Thank You to the Italians! But for their incompetence, we might all be speaking German today. [ahem. I love spouting history]

"... direct involvement with the war; a war that was to be a disaster for the Italian nation" - First, I think that semi-colon should be a colon. Second, do you need to say "Italian nation"? Why not "a disaster for Italy"? Or even "the Italian people"? Just a thought. That's one word you don't necessarily need there.

"As war raged in the rest of Europe..." - Unless you're referring to the war with Britain (which was an air- and sea-war, and didn't involve any marching armies - so I don't know if "war raged" is the right phrase for this scenario) or the war with the Soviet Union, which technically wasn't part of Europe, or those much-smaller conflicts involving Eastern Europe, I'm baffled. After France capitulated, there *was* no war in Europe. There was only the war with Britain - and historians refer to this period as "The Phoney War", because nothing much happened during this time. The war didn't shift into second gear until Operation Barbarossa, 1941 (in which a few Italian corps were involved.) I recommend you check your history books on this.

"; whilst the Allies landed in the south" - I think this semi-colon could be a comma, the sentence would flow better. Also, my pet peeve is using the word "whilst." It's archaic, you don't see it in print very often these days. Why not "while the Allies landed in the south" or "as the Allies landed". From the master of nit-picking.

"badly affected" - lose the "badly"; it's an unnecessary adverb and I think that it's implied the effects would be adverse.

"Whilst we wanted the truth" - again, I think "while" is better. Avoid "whilst."

"now compliant Mussolini" - shouldn't this be hyphenated? "now-compliant"

"With Germany controlling the north of Italy..." - this paragraph and the one before it are extremely long - probably well over 300 words each. I have occasional long paragraphs in my work, but nothing as huge as this. Recommmend splitting it up. It's easier on the eye and readers won't skip information.

"day to day life" - another hyphen needed: "day-to-day"

"anyone even suspected of acting against the authorities" - this is a lot of words, where fewer could be used to the same effect. How about "anyone suspected of seditious activity"

"Having heard rumours about the dire conditions..." - "Having heard of the dire conditions" - do you need the "rumours" ?

"German Labour Camps" - do "Labour Camps" need to be capitalized? "labour camps." Don't think I've ever seen "Concentration Camps" presented with capitals, either.

"We were singled-minded with an objective that had suddenly become our sole focus in life" - first, "singled-minded" should be "single-minded." But surely "single-minded" and "sole focus in life" mean the same thing? You don't need to repeat the information twice. "We were single-minded; nothing else mattered. We were determined to rescue my brother." There you go, you've already taken 10 words off the word count.

"Our destination was Bolzano, in Northern Italy" - recommend introducing a new paragraph here; split this behemoth chunk of prose into as many pieces as possible!

"had a steely determination about her" - lose the "about her", it's fluff. 'She had a steely determination that made me believe we could succeed in what would be a dangerous quest."

"; dangerous because we were now well aware that the Germans were not known for their humanitarian spirit" - You could start a new sentence here and have a less unwieldy sentence. I like the nice touch of "Germans were not known for their humanitarian spirit", which is a poetic understatement, but correct me if I'm wrong, weren't most Italians aware of what the Nazi Party was all about BEFORE the Second World War? I mean, Mussolini was a racist as well (not as rabid as Hitler), and it's all right there black-and-white in Mein Kampf. I find it hard to believe that the Italian populace weren't aware of the Germans' "lack of humanitarianism" before the march to war. That said, the West didn't become fully aware of Auschwitz and Hitler's systematic extermination campaigns until the final days of the war.

"now stationary train" - hyphenate: "now-stationary"

"On arrival" - maybe "Upon arrival" ? Again, this paragraph is huge and needs chopping up. Start inserting paragraph breaks where you feel they fit best. Also, this scene seems to be related, not told - I can visualize the happenings, but we don't have any actual dialogue or action, it's just being related from the main character's point-of-view. She herself is merely an observer. Consider rewriting this to make it an "active" scene.

"shocked at what we saw; " - again, I think a colon not a semi-colon here.

"the German soldiers acted swiftly and brutality" - change to either "acted swiftly and brutally" or "swiftly and with brutality."

"my mother could only think of her son" - this flows better: "could think only of her son"

"and his rescue from his dreadful place" - "and rescuing him from this dreadful place"

"; requesting that her son be released immediately" - change the semi-colon to a comma, change "requesting" to "requested." Or start a new sentence there: "Requesting that her son be released immediately, she gave him my brother's name"

"in a much sombre voice" - do we need the "much" ? Just "in a sombre voice"

"she was not to be so easily thwarted" - "she was not so easily to be thwarted" flows better

"so he had no idea if my brother had left the hellish place we now stood in" - you can lose those last four words, it's circumlocution and unnecessary. "he had no idea if my brother had left this hellish place."

"was issuing orders to group of German soldiers" - "was issuing orders to a group of German soldiers"

"cattle truck" - maybe hyphenate: "cattle-truck"

"not realising that my brother was only yards..." - maybe "unaware" or "not knowing" instead of "not realising" - you used that verb earlier this paragraph

"held each others hands" - you need an apostrophe here: "held each other's hands"

"air bombardments" - don't you mean "aerial bombardments" ?

"I will never forget the sight and smell..." - I think this would be a good place to insert a paragraph indent.

"could only imagine and fear" - feel you don't need the "and fear"; just "could only imagine what the future held for Pietro"

I read a sizeable chunk of your first chapter with interest. I studied History at degree level and my dissertation was on the Second World War (admittedly I don't know a lot about the Italian contribution - my interest was on the Soviets) , so I might be able to give you a few history tips. I've provided a very detailed list of suggestions as to how you might improve your work, which I hope you'll read. Most of my comments are to do with tiny grammatical and punctuation errors, the odd spelling-mistake or omitted word (I have an eye for these), and better phrasings. In particular I am concerned about the length of your paragraphs, many of which are doorstoppers. You are going to need to go through this and break up many of the paras into smaller chunks, not just for presentation - people like "white space" on a page - but readability. Apart from this, a very interesting read. Sometimes a bit too much like reading a history textbook and not a story, it's very impersonal - from what I've read the events are told not shown - but unique nonetheless. I'm rating 5 stars, based on what I've read so far.

Hope this will help you and I hope you'll check out my offering, "Tamria."

James


****

"when World War Two was declared in on 3rd September 1939" - lose the "in" - "declared on." Also, a small history lesson, WWII wasn't called this when it first broke out, as with the First World War, which was originally referred to as "the Great War." It was only later that it came to be known to as "the Second World War," and only in 1940-1941 did it became an actual "world" war. Before the involvement of the Soviet Union and US the conflict was strictly limited to the Middle East, Mediterranean and Europe. Retrospectively, it would be all right for someone who experienced World War Two to refer to it that way, but as someone who is speaking of the events from memory, would she call it that? The people of the day wouldn't say "World War Two has broken out." I'm not sure, maybe this is something you should think carefully about.

"This pact committed both countries to support the other" - surely "support each other" ? That flows much better.

"When Mussolini joined his ally, Germany" - isn't this tautology? A silly nit-pick I know, but "to join" has the same meaning as "to ally." A better phrase would be: "When Mussolini allied with Germany, in the Rome-Berlin Axis, it was with great optimism..."

"His nearest rival geographically" - Better would be: "His nearest geographical rival". But this is another tautology - "nearest" implies geographically closest. And anyone who has the slightest knowledge of Europe knows that France and Italy are neighbours (except perhaps some Americans!) Just "His nearest rival France"

"on the brink of surrendering" - "on the brink of surrender" is better, I think.

Your account of Italy's invasion of France - very amusing. In WWII the Italian Army was the only one that could be said to fare worse than the French, who are history's traditional losers! The Italians always seem to be putting their feet in it - their botched attempt to grab more territory in Eastern Europe in 1941 caused Hitler to delay his invasion of Russia and was probably responsible for Germany's ultimate defeat at the hand of the Soviets, who would likely have been trounced if they had been invaded just a few weeks earlier. "Operation Barbarossa" came within spitting distance of capturing Moscow and only the harsh winter stopped them from advancing further - but for that, the Nazis might very well have prevailed. All say a big Thank You to the Italians! But for their incompetence, we might all be speaking German today. [ahem. I love spouting history]

"... direct involvement with the war; a war that was to be a disaster for the Italian nation" - First, I think that semi-colon should be a colon. Second, do you need to say "Italian nation"? Why not "a disaster for Italy"? Or even "the Italian people"? Just a thought. That's one word you don't necessarily need there.

"As war raged in the rest of Europe..." - Unless you're referring to the war with Britain (which was an air- and sea-war, and didn't involve any marching armies - so I don't know if "war raged" is the right phrase for this scenario) or the war with the Soviet Union, which technically wasn't part of Europe, or those much-smaller conflicts involving Eastern Europe, I'm baffled. After France capitulated, there *was* no war in Europe. There was only the war with Britain - and historians refer to this period as "The Phoney War", because nothing much happened during this time. The war didn't shift into second gear until Operation Barbarossa, 1941 (in which a few Italian corps were involved.) I recommend you check your history books on this.

"; whilst the Allies landed in the south" - I think this semi-colon could be a comma, the sentence would flow better. Also, my pet peeve is using the word "whilst." It's archaic, you don't see it in print very often these days. Why not "while the Allies landed in the south" or "as the Allies landed". From the master of nit-picking.

"badly affected" - lose the "badly"; it's an unnecessary adverb and I think that it's implied the effects would be adverse.

"Whilst we wanted the truth" - again, I think "while" is better. Avoid "whilst."

"now compliant Mussolini" - shouldn't this be hyphenated? "now-compliant"

"With Germany controlling the north of Italy..." - this paragraph and the one before it are extremely long - probably well over 300 words each. I have occasional long paragraphs in my work, but nothing as huge as this. Recommmend splitting it up. It's easier on the eye and readers won't skip information.

"day to day life" - another hyphen needed: "day-to-day"

"anyone even suspected of acting against the authorities" - this is a lot of words, where fewer could be used to the same effect. How about "anyone suspected of seditious activity"

"Having heard rumours about the dire conditions..." - "Having heard of the dire conditions" - do you need the "rumours" ?

"German Labour Camps" - do "Labour Camps" need to be capitalized? "labour camps." Don't think I've ever seen "Concentration Camps" presented with capitals, either.

"We were singled-minded with an objective that had suddenly become our sole focus in life" - first, "singled-minded" should be "single-minded." But surely "single-minded" and "sole focus in life" mean the same thing? You don't need to repeat the information twice. "We were single-minded; nothing else mattered. We were determined to rescue my brother." There you go, you've already taken 10 words off the word count.

"Our destination was Bolzano, in Northern Italy" - recommend introducing a new paragraph here; split this behemoth chunk of prose into as many pieces as possible!

"had a steely determination about her" - lose the "about her", it's fluff. 'She had a steely determination that made me believe we could succeed in what would be a dangerous quest."

"; dangerous because we were now well aware that the Germans were not known for their humanitarian spirit" - You could start a new sentence here and have a less unwieldy sentence. I like the nice touch of "Germans were not known for their humanitarian spirit", which is a poetic understatement, but correct me if I'm wrong, weren't most Italians aware of what the Nazi Party was all about BEFORE the Second World War? I mean, Mussolini was a racist as well (not as rabid as Hitler), and it's all right there black-and-white in Mein Kampf. I find it hard to believe that the Italian populace weren't aware of the Germans' "lack of humanitarianism" before the march to war. That said, the West didn't become fully aware of Auschwitz and Hitler's systematic extermination campaigns until the final days of the war.

"now stationary train" - hyphenate: "now-stationary"

"On arrival" - maybe "Upon arrival" ? Again, this paragraph is huge and needs chopping up. Start inserting paragraph breaks where you feel they fit best. Also, this scene seems to be related, not told - I can visualize the happenings, but we don't have any actual dialogue or action, it's just being related from the main character's point-of-view. She herself is merely an observer. Consider rewriting this to make it an "active" scene.

"shocked at what we saw; " - again, I think a colon not a semi-colon here.

"the German soldiers acted swiftly and brutality" - change to either "acted swiftly and brutally" or "swiftly and with brutality."

"my mother could only think of her son" - this flows better: "could think only of her son"

"and his rescue from his dreadful place" - "and rescuing him from this dreadful place"

"; requesting that her son be released immediately" - change the semi-colon to a comma, change "requesting" to "requested." Or start a new sentence there: "Requesting that her son be released immediately, she gave him my brother's name"

"in a much sombre voice" - do we need the "much" ? Just "in a sombre voice"

"she was not to be so easily thwarted" - "she was not so easily to be thwarted" flows better

"so he had no idea if my brother had left the hellish place we now stood in" - you can lose those last four words, it's circumlocution and unnecessary. "he had no idea if my brother had left this hellish place."

"was issuing orders to group of German soldiers" - "was issuing orders to a group of German soldiers"

"cattle truck" - maybe hyphenate: "cattle-truck"

"not realising that my brother was only yards..." - maybe "unaware" or "not knowing" instead of "not realising" - you used that verb earlier this paragraph

"held each others hands" - you need an apostrophe here: "held each other's hands"

"air bombardments" - don't you mean "aerial bombardments" ?

"I will never forget the sight and smell..." - I think this would be a good place to insert a paragraph indent.

"could only imagine and fear" - feel you don't need the "and fear"; just "could only imagine what the future held for Pietro"

Thanks for that - one of my blind spots.

Enjoying this as I live in the Apennine mountains. One nit-pick, in your pitch it should read 'who lived in Italy' rather than 'that lived in Italy.

Enjoying this as I live in the Apennine mountains. One nit-pick, in your pitch it should read 'who lived in Italy' rather than 'that lived in Italy.

Hello Alice , I think we have corresponded before and you very kindly backed my book 'A Buccaneer' . I have read with considerable interest your book on wartime Italy , which reminds me very much of that great war classic 'Two Women' , which I am sure you are familiar with . It is full of the most poignant details and involves one from beginning to end, with best wishes , Strachan Gordon.