My Beautiful Stalker

Di,
You have a knack for words that truly captures what you wish to convey, mainly the mood-setting detail and the emotions coming out in the dialogue. "My Beautiful Stalker" is a definite must-read, sharing a slice of life not all of us are familiar with but can relate to. Your first person narrative and casual approach make for easy, delightful reading and your characters are very sympathetic. I can see your work as worth more than the million pesos your protagonist is ecstatic about. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi Di,

This is actually one of the few stories I've read all the way through without coming to a stop, what you've posted so far is really goof! I'm not sure what it is about your writing but it makes the reader want to keep reading. It's almost like you put us on Carmie's shoes. All throughout the first chapter, there's this sort of mystery of why she has been asked to write a memoir (especially at only nineteen years old.)

Her family is definitely an interesting one! Her mother makes me cringe sometimes but then again I see where she's coming from. I feel mad stressed whenever I read her dialogue. I love Tonton, just because he brings out the heart warming side of Carmie. I can tell she really cares for him, especially after stating she wants to bring him back to speech therapy after she has the money.

I'm not exactly where the setting is. (Maybe I've read over it by mistake?) I know you've mentioned their currency as Pesos. The meeting in chapter one was one of my favorite scenes just because it felt so real to me. The way Carmie is half-listening while paranoid of the assistant giving her dirty looks. Totally relateble, I would've reacted the same way.

I have nothing but good things to say about this! Vivid descriptions, perfect dialogue, and your chapters flow very well! Six stars! Best of luck :)

Ch 15.

A tale of two kisses! Firstly, Carmie and Blue are in the park, watching Tonton play and talking about innocent things, like what they like to eat and whether they would like to be famous one day. And then Blue asks Carmie on a friendly date. Poor Carmie doesn't know what to say and is thinking of Shane (because Carmie is a nice girl, of course) but she agrees to go.
Then Blue kisses her and at the moment she is recalling this with Miguel, Miguel kisses her. This isn't at all what Carmie wants and it feels like Miguel is taking advantage of her. He says it means nothing to him. But it means something to Carmie!

Well, we're definitely moving forward in the story now! Carmie has the attention of two men, one in her past and one in her future. Is she going to date Miguel? It seems to be heading that way, and now we're seen a nicer side to him, perhaps that wouldn't be so bad. It'd certainly make her Mama happy.

I liked the paragraph with all Carmie's ponderings in it. Very nicely written and funny too. It's a good way to be reminded of her sweet personality.

A few small things...

"...their explicit taste." Should be "exquisite." Explicit means something completely different!

"Why do you seem so surprise?" Should be "surprised".

"It's not the kind of work she dreamed of when she's little..." Should be "when she was little..."

"He quieted." This should probably be something like "He became quiet."

I'll be back for more later, Di. Looking forward to seeing how this works out!

Happy reading, Lucy

Ch 14

Miguel has a good side! Hooray! In this chapter, because it's a Sunday, work on the book seems to have been put aside and Miguel takes Carmie to a home for homeless girls and Carmie sees a much nicer side to her editor. He donates his time and money to helping. If Carmie and Miguel have a romance, it's this sort of thing I think she'd be attracted to, far more than his wealth. She's reminded of Blue again though, and right at the end of the chapter, you leave us with a cliffhanger that she had another first with Blue. Exciting...is it the sort of first I'm thinking of?

"The burn in my hand..." Maybe should be "The burn on my hand..." It makes sense your way though, just a bit hard to picture what you mean.

"...the lively Enrique Iglesias song he played in the car again and again proved." I think you need either "as" at the start of this, or "it" at the end.

"We arrived to a place..." Again, this makes sense but I'd expect it to say "We arrived at a place..."

"The mansion-sized house sat in a farm..." I'd say "...sat on a farm." Also, if it's a house the size of a mansion, isn't it a mansion?

This is a weird point, but Miguel is watching three to ten year old girls and says "I bet you're envious because you can't do any of those sexy moves." I don't think he should think the moves are sexy! Although he is saying it about the moves, rather than the girls, I think he should rephrase it because otherwise he sounds like a pervert.

"...a hundred of cabbage to be shredded..." Maybe "hundreds of cabbages" or "a hundred cabbages", although I like the way you've written it. Again, it's whether yo want it to read like British English.

Is it odd that the man (Allan) and his wife think first that Miguel and Carmie are husband and wife, then later say they are alike enough to be brother and sister?

"Allan and his wife caters for most of the events..." Should be "cater for"

"You're brows meet..." Should be "Your brows meet..."

It's nice to see that Miguel isn't all bad. He has seemed a bit selfish and self-involved until now. Maybe he'll take Carmie's mind off Blue after all.

I've enjoyed these chapters, Di.

Best wishes,

Lucy

Ch 13

In this chapter, Miguel turns up at Carmie's apartment again and, again, Carmie's mother is very interested in him. Then they go to the park where Carmie met Blue and she's taken back to her past. We learn more about her relationship with Blue and learn something about a mystery character called Damian. Miguel suggests that someone might have been watching her, while she was watching Blue. And she has another bag with a name!
I can't help but think she needs find herself a nice properly single man.
Miguel also suggests that she might use her check (cheque to me!) to go to college, but of course she needs that money for Tonton.

Only one minor thing in this chapter; "...who hardly comb her hair, whose lips without a glow." should be something like "...who hardly combs her hair, whose lips are without a glow."

Good stuff, more of the character's personalities are revealed, particularly Blue's. Does Damian have something to do with the story and its value? Can't wait to find out....

Lucy

Very good, and I finished what you have posted. Keep it up, I want to read more, love the mystery about it, and the realistic yet keeps one wondering. I know the character is young for a memoir, the dialogue is superb!
Saerawrites
The Wizard of Crescent Keep

Di,

I really enjoyed reading My Beautiful Stalker. I read all 3 chapters and would’ve kept reading if there had been more.

I think you’re very talented and I wish you lots of luck with your book. Highly starred and backed.

~Nina~
Third Time's the Charm

As soon as I started to read this, the voice kicked in so strongly that it hooked me into the story. You created a very visual image of the house and the characters and neighbourhood without saying very much by way of actual description - that's the best way. I like your main character and her mute brother, and that mother comes over very clearly by her actions - or should I say, lack of actions. Is there anymore to come? Please let me know if you put any more up, but have some stars for now.

Di,
You have a knack for words that truly captures what you wish to convey, mainly the mood-setting detail and the emotions coming out in the dialogue. "My Beautiful Stalker" is a definite must-read, sharing a slice of life not all of us are familiar with but can relate to. Your first person narrative and casual approach make for easy, delightful reading and your characters are very sympathetic. I can see your work as worth more than the million pesos your protagonist is ecstatic about. Thank you so much for the entertaining read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

I have read chapter 1 so far, and I love it. Carmie has a voice, a heart, and an interesting family. The relationships aren't all butterflies and buttercups, for her mom seems to demand much of her daughter without giving much to her daughter. It is exciting to know that a girl might be going from rags to riches with the help of an editor everyone seems to have a crush on, but it's also a mystery. I want to put this on my W/L and read further to seek the answer as to why her relationship with Blue was so captivating to a publishing company and why Blue left. And is there a relationship between her brother's love of the color blue and Carmie's lover's name?

This has a voice and an exciting plot. I will rotate it onto my shelf!

-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

Wow, what can I say, in that I thoroughly enjoyed these first three chapters. You capture the atmosphere perfectly, all the emotions come flooding through as you read and as for the characters, you give just enough for me to get to know them. Very, very well done.

Ruth2904
To Dream Again

Hi Di,
I first looked at your book at the beginning of March, something always broke my concentration (a phone call etc.).
I kept it on my watch list until I could give it my full attention.
Today I'm back and it's been changed and I was lost as to where I was upto.
Instead I read it from the beginning again and found it to be very well polished, written and edited although much shorter than I originally recall.
The story is intreguing and there's a mystery about it that makes you want to keep reading.
I'll keep it on my watchlist hopefully for more chapters to come.
I wish you all the best.
Pollyanna. 'Marsupeople'.

My Beautiful Stalker
I read all three chapters you have posted and I was very intrigued. The prose is stilted but it works in this setting, helping to transport the reader. In this case, you can get away with a little more, in terms of grammar, spelling, use of language. I’m absorbed in the book – why would someone pay for a memoir that she hasn’t written and pay that much? The descriptions of the village, house, and setting work very well to set the stage. Good job, starred and on my WL. I picked up on a few things below. I saw you had one detailed crit that talked about sentence structure, and I didn’t want to reiterate. Even though your narrative is purposefully stilted and it works, some of the sentences could be rearranged to make for a smoother prose. I think they’ve been pointed out already.
Chapter 1:
After “I haven’t” when she asks how she got over him insert a break.
Chapter 2:
Never turned back at me should be never turned back to me.
Or tell her I was hurting at the least…this sentence needs rewording.
Chapter 3: After I was wrong, insert a break. Its jarring to read the next sentence without it.

(YARG)
Hi Di,
I really like this. It has a freshness and directness to it which is charming. I also like the unsual (for Authonomy) setting, nice to see things not set in London or Wolverhampton or Brighton!!
It's an intriguing set-up about the memoir. Not sure how believable it seems, but I've only read the first chapter so difficult to judge.
Thought the chapter was quite long. It needs a little more editing, feels like you have a touch too much superfluous detail, not sure, again difficult to judge, only you know what you need. Don't include detail which doesn't add to character/plot or move the story along somehow, just ends up slowing the pace and misdirecting the reader.
just to give you one example...
when she's on the bus and tells the schoolgirl next to her to wake her up:
I thought that was going to lead into her being late for the all-important meeting, so I was starting to get worried for her and expecting some mad dash to the publishers office, but then it was fine. So then I felt a bit disapointed/cheated. Do you know what I mean?
But generally really liked it and read way further than I usu do.
All the best.
Would love your comments on mine (I think we were doing a reading swap) if you have time, mine's at...
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

Hello Di, took a look at the first chapter of your book. On the whole it’s well written, with good descriptions and characterisation. There’s a few clunky sentences that need, in my opinion, restructuring. I’ve left a few suggestions that I hope prove useful.

CHAPTER 1: STRAINED
(Mama’s frying pan against the wall sounded like rumbling thunder)

Although this is a good opening, the sentence structure is a little clunky. I suggest inserting , banging or crashing against the wall: Mama’s frying pan smashing against the wall…,

(she prepared pancakes topped with banana slices.)

…she’d prepared pancakes…

…if I ever tried their (special coffee at the second floor.}

…special coffee on the second floor.

I've read the first chapter and am enjoying your book. The writing is very good at pulling the reader into the story and the description puts one in the scenes. I'm going to give the book a high ranking and will be back to read more. I hope you can read some of Stopped Cold and will feel you can support or back it.

I've read the first chapter and am enjoying your book. The writing is very good at pulling the reader into the story and the description puts one in the scenes. I'm going to give the book a high ranking and will be back to read more. I hope you can read some of Stopped Cold and will feel you can support or back it.

I've read the first chapter and am enjoying your book. The writing is very good at pulling the reader into the story and the description puts one in the scenes. I'm going to give the book a high ranking and will be back to read more. I hope you can read some of Stopped Cold and will feel you can support or back it.

I've read the first chapter and am enjoying your book. The writing is very good at pulling the reader into the story and the description puts one in the scenes. I'm going to give the book a high ranking and will be back to read more. I hope you can read some of Stopped Cold and will feel you can support or back it.

Hi Di,

This is actually one of the few stories I've read all the way through without coming to a stop, what you've posted so far is really goof! I'm not sure what it is about your writing but it makes the reader want to keep reading. It's almost like you put us on Carmie's shoes. All throughout the first chapter, there's this sort of mystery of why she has been asked to write a memoir (especially at only nineteen years old.)

Her family is definitely an interesting one! Her mother makes me cringe sometimes but then again I see where she's coming from. I feel mad stressed whenever I read her dialogue. I love Tonton, just because he brings out the heart warming side of Carmie. I can tell she really cares for him, especially after stating she wants to bring him back to speech therapy after she has the money.

I'm not exactly where the setting is. (Maybe I've read over it by mistake?) I know you've mentioned their currency as Pesos. The meeting in chapter one was one of my favorite scenes just because it felt so real to me. The way Carmie is half-listening while paranoid of the assistant giving her dirty looks. Totally relateble, I would've reacted the same way.

I have nothing but good things to say about this! Vivid descriptions, perfect dialogue, and your chapters flow very well! Six stars! Best of luck :)

Hello

You've gotten a interesting tale here. You have the reader curious from the beginning and they are pulled in wondering why a young pregnant girl is being asked to write her memoirs for a publishing firm. The reading is nice and easy. It flows easily and I like your main character. She seems like a sweetheart.

Good luck with this
Jennifer - The Legend of the Travelers: Willow's Journey

Hey

Overall I think it is a good read. There are a few mistakes, and a couple of places that don't quite fit: you were the reason he were no longer too blue." However, with a little polishing it will be great. I could feel her pain of feeling rejection from her mother. Carmie seems lovely, and her gentle thoughts ome through well. It will be interesting to read on and see who she chooses. I have put you on my wl, given this 5 stars and will keep reading. Will let you know what I think again, when I have read a few more chapters.

All the best, lee

What a delightful opening! It certainly surprised me – after reading your pitch. I like how you opened with this surprise, pulling me further on into the story. You have the voice well handled and I feel myself able to identify with Carmie as she is waking up. I also like how you don’t reveal her name in the very beginning… for a little touch of mystery there. I think it is a very original opening, and a good way to start the story – with her about to tell her own story. So great set up! There is also a good emotional attachment to your protagonist that is developing strongly -- so important, as the reader wants to be able to connect to your characters!

Now just a bit of a running commentary… hope the little nitpicks are useful too : ) Although, I must say, your English is amazing despite being your second language!! I have so much admiration for you!

First para; I’d put comma after ‘two weeks ago < , > after I received that call.’ Then start ‘I forced myself to ignore the pain…’ in a new paragraph – to distinguish her actions from her thoughts.

Love the sentence ‘It wouldn’t make mama love me in the same way…’ makes me wonder… a good thing!

Good dialogue interaction. It is natural and conveys the feeling well!

Para ‘When we were inside the elevator’ I’d reword the sentence because it seems a touch grammatically awkward. I’d write; “When we were inside the elevator, I told her that this was my first attempt at writing a book.”

Like the short sentence ‘The door moved’ for a bit of suspense… before we enter the room. Well done!

Great cliff hanger ending to finish! Makes me really want to read more… In brief, this is a top job, and I’ll be back!

Cara
The Awakening: Dawn of Destruction

Di Alcantara,

I checked out your wonderful, and moving book. I liked it! So I backed it. Please take a look at my novel, DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS, for your possible backing. I really need your help and it will be appreciated. Good luck and happy writing.

Dwain-Thomas

Ch 16

In this chapter, Mari comes back into Carmie's life. She is a good friend to Carmie, although she causes trouble in the restaurant when she arrives by pretending to be an unhappy customer. But she has remembered it's Tonton's birthday so I think we can forgive her. While she's talking to Carmie, we learn for the first time that Carmie was actually engaged to mystery man Damian (she's been busier than I thought!) and Mari learns about the book Carmie is writing and more importantly, who she is writing it with.
I like Mari, and it's a nice touch that she hasn't forgotten Tonton. I don't know who I want Carmie to be with. Is it Miguel, Blue or even Damian? You've kept me guessing about Carmie and Blue's story for so long!

A couple of tricky sentences, but not many...

"I told him dearly." Just seems a bit odd, instead of "dearly" maybe "lovingly" or "gently".
"...seated at table A8" I think this would be better as "...was sitting."
"Companies would rather hire newly graduates." Just "new graduates".

Hope you've had a great day off! Can't wait for your next installment.

Lucy :)

Ch 15.

A tale of two kisses! Firstly, Carmie and Blue are in the park, watching Tonton play and talking about innocent things, like what they like to eat and whether they would like to be famous one day. And then Blue asks Carmie on a friendly date. Poor Carmie doesn't know what to say and is thinking of Shane (because Carmie is a nice girl, of course) but she agrees to go.
Then Blue kisses her and at the moment she is recalling this with Miguel, Miguel kisses her. This isn't at all what Carmie wants and it feels like Miguel is taking advantage of her. He says it means nothing to him. But it means something to Carmie!

Well, we're definitely moving forward in the story now! Carmie has the attention of two men, one in her past and one in her future. Is she going to date Miguel? It seems to be heading that way, and now we're seen a nicer side to him, perhaps that wouldn't be so bad. It'd certainly make her Mama happy.

I liked the paragraph with all Carmie's ponderings in it. Very nicely written and funny too. It's a good way to be reminded of her sweet personality.

A few small things...

"...their explicit taste." Should be "exquisite." Explicit means something completely different!

"Why do you seem so surprise?" Should be "surprised".

"It's not the kind of work she dreamed of when she's little..." Should be "when she was little..."

"He quieted." This should probably be something like "He became quiet."

I'll be back for more later, Di. Looking forward to seeing how this works out!

Happy reading, Lucy

Di,

First I'll get the errors out of the way since you asked for them to be brought to your attention:

Ch 8: "One moment later, we were outside the house and inside his car." After a couple of paragraphs you wrote "walking alone on the streets." When did Carmie get out of the car? What happened to Miguel?
Ch 8: "She began by telling me she didn't appreciate that I had the confidence to embarrass her in front of a guest, much more a Miguel Gomez." Instead of confidence, I would suggest using audacity or some similar word and you might want to say "much less Miguel Gomez."
Ch 12: "It's a nice name, isn't?" Should be "It's a nice name, isn't it?"
Ch 12: "I'd really appreciate if Miguel would drop me off our house." Should say, "...drop me off at my house."
Ch 12: "Drive him home baby..." Should say, "Drive her home baby..."
Ch 12: (Right before break) "I guess we're can call it quits now." Should say, "I guess we can call it quits now."
Ch 12: "The laughing voices and images vanished when I heard my phone beeped." Should say, "when I heard my phone beep" OR "when my phone beeped."
Ch 14: "I went to help in the vegetable group while Miguel to the meat group." Should say, "...while Miguel went to the meat group."
Ch 14: "Hm, I bet it's not easy if you're girlfriend's so pretty." Should say, " ...if your girlfriend's..."

Now, let me say that I really enjoyed reading Beautiful Stalker. I read all 14 chapters and since I was not able to read it all at once, I found myself thinking about Blue and what was going on with him and wondering about Carmie and Miguel when I wasn't reading. This is a good sign of memorable characters and a captivating plot.

I thought the joke Carmie played on Miguel (pretending he was a male prostitute and she his wife) was so funny! It was well-written and I laughed out loud.

I am enjoying learning about Carmie and Blue through the telling of the story to Miguel. I wish there was more to read! I'm left at a cliffhanger with no idea when I'll get to read the ending!

I think you have a lot of raw talent and I wish you lots of luck with your book. Hopefully you'll be able to read my book soon and let me know your thoughts, opinions and suggestions for mine.

Backed!

Madison A.
No Risk, No Reward

Ch 14

Miguel has a good side! Hooray! In this chapter, because it's a Sunday, work on the book seems to have been put aside and Miguel takes Carmie to a home for homeless girls and Carmie sees a much nicer side to her editor. He donates his time and money to helping. If Carmie and Miguel have a romance, it's this sort of thing I think she'd be attracted to, far more than his wealth. She's reminded of Blue again though, and right at the end of the chapter, you leave us with a cliffhanger that she had another first with Blue. Exciting...is it the sort of first I'm thinking of?

"The burn in my hand..." Maybe should be "The burn on my hand..." It makes sense your way though, just a bit hard to picture what you mean.

"...the lively Enrique Iglesias song he played in the car again and again proved." I think you need either "as" at the start of this, or "it" at the end.

"We arrived to a place..." Again, this makes sense but I'd expect it to say "We arrived at a place..."

"The mansion-sized house sat in a farm..." I'd say "...sat on a farm." Also, if it's a house the size of a mansion, isn't it a mansion?

This is a weird point, but Miguel is watching three to ten year old girls and says "I bet you're envious because you can't do any of those sexy moves." I don't think he should think the moves are sexy! Although he is saying it about the moves, rather than the girls, I think he should rephrase it because otherwise he sounds like a pervert.

"...a hundred of cabbage to be shredded..." Maybe "hundreds of cabbages" or "a hundred cabbages", although I like the way you've written it. Again, it's whether yo want it to read like British English.

Is it odd that the man (Allan) and his wife think first that Miguel and Carmie are husband and wife, then later say they are alike enough to be brother and sister?

"Allan and his wife caters for most of the events..." Should be "cater for"

"You're brows meet..." Should be "Your brows meet..."

It's nice to see that Miguel isn't all bad. He has seemed a bit selfish and self-involved until now. Maybe he'll take Carmie's mind off Blue after all.

I've enjoyed these chapters, Di.

Best wishes,

Lucy

Ch 13

In this chapter, Miguel turns up at Carmie's apartment again and, again, Carmie's mother is very interested in him. Then they go to the park where Carmie met Blue and she's taken back to her past. We learn more about her relationship with Blue and learn something about a mystery character called Damian. Miguel suggests that someone might have been watching her, while she was watching Blue. And she has another bag with a name!
I can't help but think she needs find herself a nice properly single man.
Miguel also suggests that she might use her check (cheque to me!) to go to college, but of course she needs that money for Tonton.

Only one minor thing in this chapter; "...who hardly comb her hair, whose lips without a glow." should be something like "...who hardly combs her hair, whose lips are without a glow."

Good stuff, more of the character's personalities are revealed, particularly Blue's. Does Damian have something to do with the story and its value? Can't wait to find out....

Lucy

Hi Di,
As you may have guessed from reading my own book this isn't my usual cup of tea. However, I can still appreciate good writing and this is very well written. There is an emotional depth there that was tempting me to read on even though this isn't my genre.
I'm sure you will do well here on Authonomy. Well done on actually getting me interested in this type of story and if you can do that I'm sure this will go down well with fans of this type of writing.
James

Ch 12 (please upload more Di!)

In this chapter, Carmie goes to a fancy restaurant with Miguel and his TV personality girlfriend. Miguel isn't very nice to Carmie and embarrasses her in front of Patricia and the waitress. You haven't revealed any more of the Blue/Carmie mystery but Patricia can't wait to read the book about it, so we're reminded about how fascinated everyone is. Carmie sees parallels between Shane and Blue's relationship and Miguel and Patricia's. It seems to me that Carmie would be better off without the lot of them!

"But don't worry I'm not giving her too much details." could be "But don't worry I'm not giving her too many details." or "...too much detail."

"I felt surprised even though I needed not be." could be "even though I didn't need to be." Just to make it smoother.

"...but somehow discussing about Patricia..." I'd take out the word "about".

"Everything he said about her after that were all nice..." I'd make "All the things he said about her..." or "Everything he said about her after that was nice..."

"...impliedly telling me that she was nothing but saint." I'd make this "...implying that she was nothing but a saint." I didn't think "impliedly" was a word, although the online dictionary assures me it is.

"Her skin looked like she's been bathing in milk..." To make the tenses match, it should be "she'd been bathing.."

"...she was impliedly asking for twenty-four roses..." Not sure about this but I think it would be better as "...she was implying that she would like twenty-four roses."

"...looking like he had no problem of having a time alone with me." I'd change to "...looking like he had no problem with having time alone with me."

"...when I heard my phone beeped." Should be "...when I heard my phone beep."

Can I ask about Betsy again? Does she think men will think she's a lesbian because she thinks she's ugly? Is there a way you could make it clearer? I'm worried that you've made it sound as though it's obvious that all your readers will agree that lesbians are ugly and will therefore understand what Betsy thinks.

What about lesbian readers? What will they think?

Don't leave me without Chapter 13 for too long...

Lucy

Ch 11.

This chapter is entirely Carmie and Blue and there is a lot of dialogue. You're right, that does help to keep up the pace, just like you've said about my book. It's a great way to see how the relationship between your two characters develops. Blue is flirty to an extent and likes to tease Carmie. I think he makes her a bit nervous, partly because he's quite a lot older than her. He talks about love too and destiny. Where is this going to go? Can't wait to find out!

I love that Carmie has a name for her bag! In some ways she seems so mature and full of responsibility and then we find out she calls her yellow bag Sunshine. How cute! I can really believe she's only eighteen.

Some small points...

"It took several exchange of awkward glances..." Just needs to be "exchanges".

"I asked him as he seated." This ought to be "I asked him as he sat" or "as he sat down."

"...when he offered them to me thinking they were very personal belongings." This sounds like Blue is thinking they are very personal belongings which isn't what you mean, I don't think. "...when he offered them to me, I thought they were very personal belongings."

"Slight jealousy was incorporated with my voice." I'd change to "My voice incorporated slight jealousy." or something similar.

"I swallowed after another," I wasn't sure here - after another what?

"Because I don't have any." Since she is talking about a boyfriend, would it make more sense as "Because I don't have one."?

"...can ask my sister if you need advise." This should be "advice." Advise is a verb, so something like "I could ask my sister to advise you." and advice is the noun, so "...can ask my sister if you need advice."

I remember in one of your earlier chapters that you referred (Carmie referred) to Tonton as "mentally ill." In the UK, that would only be used for someone with something like depression or schizophrenia, not someone who is mentally disabled. I just thought I'd mention it, but maybe it's a UK/US difference.

This is a lovely chapter, and I'm liking Carmie more and more. The mention of destiny is interesting because I know from earlier chapters, of course, that whatever their destiny is, it involves a story worth a fortune. You keep me guessing!

Your friend,

Lucy :)

I'm pleased to see that you've uploaded more chapters!

Ch10.

Things are going well for Carmie at work, and there is a sub-plot developing with her colleague Betsy's love-life. It's the second time she's mentioned that men sometimes think she's a lesbian, and she's worried about it.

Miguel is continuing to make things harder than they need to be - now instead of working in his flat, he's insisting that they go to the mall and even wants dinner and a movie! This stalls the telling of Carmie's story about her and Blue but we're learning more about Miguel - including that he has a girlfriend.

I'm as interested now in what Miguel has in mind as I am in the mystery with Blue. The part where Carmie pretends Miguel is a prostitute and they have six children together is funny. I like Carmie best when she's like this.

A few things I noted while I was reading, nothing major :)

Why would a man (or more than one man) date a woman he thinks is probably a lesbian? Wouldn't he prefer to date someone he actually had a chance with? I'm not saying this part of your story is wrong, but I'm interested to see where it is going to go. Maybe Betsy IS a lesbian? I sort of hope so.

"Afraid I would get late for my meeting..." I'd change to "Afraid I would be late for my meeting..." Just to make it a more usual English expression. But, as always, don't change it if it's part of Carmie's voice.

"The girl looked like he had just swallowed a lemon." Just a typo - should be "she" not "he".

"Employee of the month, to be generic." This ought to be "Employee of the month, to be specific." Generic and specific are opposites. Possibly it's deliberate though, if it is, do ignore me!

Another good chapter. I hope some of your other readers read beyond chapters One and Two.

Lucy

MyBeautiful stalker.

I read chapters 4 and 5. Easy bedtime reading, story line flows well and grabbed my attention quickly. Great read, i look forward to reading more. Please may you read a couple of short chapters of my first attemp at writting a book back from Naivety? Mary and good luck.

Ch 9.

This is a great chapter and I feel like the story has moved on. Carmie's dream about Blue and the mangoes tells the reader something more about how she feels about him, and then of course there's Miguel who wants to know why it was so awkward at Carmie's house before. But most importantly, Carmie comes to the part in her story where she meets the mysterious Blue properly.
Blue seems like a nice guy. I liked the story he made up about his horrible sister to make Carmie feel better and how quickly he was prepared to say it wasn't really true. That made him seem caring and fun too.
I love that blue is Tonton's favourite colour and so he can say Blue's name. I'd forgotten that from the part where he is colouring in the dinosaurs with Carmie, but now it makes perfect sense. It's very sweet.

There are a few awkward sentences here and there, so I've listed them below. I enjoyed this chapter.

"I sniffed consecutively." Depending on what you mean exactly, I'd change this to "I sniffed a few times in a row." or "I sniffed then." or "I sniffed when I heard this."

"I should have known you won't come back." To make this match with the sentence before it, it needs to be "I should have known you wouldn't come back."

"...had already gone tired" could be "...had already become tired". But Di, this is your character with your character's voice so don't necessarily change it. Do you want British English for Carmie? I'm not sure you do! It makes sense the way you have written it, it just reads awkwardly to me. But there's a charm to that (at risk of sounding patronising) and I'm absolutely not saying your way is wrong.

"...gone used to the machine" This should be "got used to the machine."

"....ruffling his clean-cut hair unconventionally." The word "unconventionally" is odd at the end here. How about "unselfconsciously"?

"I hope he'd give in." This is the wrong tense. Should be "I hoped he'd give in."

Where Carmie begins to tell Miguel the next part of her story (starting "Blue and I sat next to each other...") I didn't realise Carmie was speaking. Could her story be in quotation marks to indicate she is telling this part?

"insinuate that I was too interested in him." I'd change "insinuate" for "imply" because insinuate tends to mean something negative.

I feel like I'm taking over your comments section here! I'm pleased you've added more. I hope I'm going to get to find out how it ends!

Lucy :)

Di,
Here's my half of our agreed swap.
Your story is enchanting, intriguing, and richly detailed. You accurately captured the emotions of a girl with intense, deep, and forbidden feelings for a mysterious stranger. I loved the conversation between Wind and the strange girl - I really felt like I was eavesdropping on a conversation, and found myself wanting to find out more.
Of course, you write very differently from a native English speaker and I love that - as long as the readers understand you and your writing isn't awkward, this is a brilliant and quirky feature of your work. I couldn't really find any faults with your writing. Any awkward points have already been pointed out by other authors here.
Best wishes, and I'd appreciate it if you could take a look at my novel too.
Isabel.
"The Boy From The Next Dimension."

I am thoroughly impressed with your story. You are a very good writer and your story kept me interested and wanting to read on. There wasn't anything awkward at all. Only one sentence where a word was missing:

Chapter 1 Paragraph 4 bottom line: We didn't want mama TO get upset.

This is a well written and easy to read book. Good job. High Stars. Lacy

Ch 8

Carmie's mother can be nice! That's a relief, but I fear it's only because of Miguel. She has quite the change of character when he comes to the house and it's nice that this makes her kinder to Carmie too. But later, she hasn't changed Tonton's clothes again. She only seems to be nice to her children when Miguel is involved and is suddenly more interested in Carmie's appearance. Is she only interested when Carmie might have an admirer? She's a really unpleasant woman.

I've noted a few things below but really this is a revealing chapter. I'm a bit frustrated that I still don't know what happened to Carmie but I'm sure you've done this on purpose! There are some hints in your pitch, and maybe it's odd that you give away so much there but I've got to Ch 8 and could still be wondering who the stalker in the title is (if I hadn't read the pitch first).

"Miguel touched me gently on my lap." I think "knee" instead of "lap" would be clearer, I think because someone's lap isn't part of their body, as such, more a place created by their position. It would be like touching someone on their stoop.
"He didn't stop humming soon." This seems awkward but I'm finding it hard to describe why.
"I could see on his face that he wished she'd soon do" Could maybe be clearer as ..wished she'd soon do so." or ""wished she'd do so soon."

Back for your last chapter soon Di, and looking forward to it.

Lucy

Ch 6.

This chapter shows us more of Carmie's working life. I liked the phrase "Seven in the morning stepped in." Poor Carmie, she does have it rough. Nice characters are introduced and I hope they return later in the story. There's quite a lot of detail about what Carmie does at work but I guess this makes her a fuller character.

"It tamed down until eleven..." I don't think something can tame down. I'd say "It calmed down until eleven" or even "It became tamer until eleven".

"...he studied college abroad" should be "..he studied at a college abroad."

Carmie calls her injury a "one-degree burn" but later on she calls it a "first degree burn". Maybe you did this on purpose and it shows that Carmie has picked up the more medical-sounding term while at the hospital? If not, should they be the same?

Ch 7
Carmie returns to the park with Tonton and meets Wind once again. I love the way you bring them together this time, and it's sad how guilty Carmie feels about an accident that wasn't her fault. The other people in the park aren't sympathetic at all!

"a bottled water". I think "a bottle of water" or "some bottled water" would be neater. That said, I realise as I read and comment that Carmie's voice (because of who she is and where she is) shouldn't necessarily be my type of English and certainly shouldn't be exactly the way I might write. So don't make any changes I suggest unless you think they are okay for Carmie. It's not wrong, it's just different.

"undeserving condition" should be "undeserved condition" because it isn't the condition that is undeserving, it's Tonton.

I think I would reveal it is definitely Wind the mango hits a little sooner. I guessed it was (and hoped it would be too).

Glad you invited me to read on, although now I'm at Chapter 7 I'm worried that you haven't uploaded enough for me to find out as much as I want to. I still have the same questions!
Lucy

This is good writing. The strength of your story is your development of Carmie's character. You do a great job of sharing her thoughts and feelings with the reader.

Good work.

Ch 4. Is this exactly what Carmie says to Miguel? Miguel is able to interrupt her, so I guess it must be. If it is, maybe it should be direct speech and have quotation marks around it?

I didn't understand before who Shane is. On re-read, that was my mistake.You make it clear that the girl in the park is Shane. I'm just not familiar with it as a girl's name; that's my fault - not yours!

You have two sentences starting with "I thought" right next to each other when Carmie is describing what she thinks of Wind. You might as well run them together? I loved "..no hair at all for a hairstyle." Your book has lots of magic little phrases in it like that.

Carmie manages to get awfully close to Wind without realising that he is the man who is speaking. Is his back to her? I think she'd be able to tell it was him, unless there was another noise making it difficult to tell (like the actual wind, or something).

"I protested but attained nothing" Perhaps swap "attained" for "achieved". This might be closer to the meaning you want.

I'll stop here for today, in case you start to think I'm your stalker :)

Lucy

Chapter 2 demonstrates how difficult the relationship between Carmie and her mother is. This only serves to increase my interest in what happened to Carmie and Blue. Not only is the story worth a million, it's also caused a divide in their relationship. I smiled at the idea of a hungry looking fridge, even if Carmie's mother didn't.

It's interesting that the relationship between Carmie's mother and Tonton also has problems. She is neglectful of her disabled child. Is this because you are trying to show her in a negative way? She is more interested in the television than Tonton. I hope that this too relates to whatever happened with Carmie and Blue, otherwise the neglect might seem a bit unrealistic. She would have to be a very cold woman indeed to leave Tonton uncared for.

I don't know how much money a million pesos is, but since Carmie tells Tonton how much care it would buy for him and how long it would last, I have some idea of its worth. Maybe you could also suggest alternatives Carmie could spend it on, if she was a different, more selfish type of girl. Could she buy a car and a big house? Or never have to work again?

Chapter 3
"The ride up hurt my ears I wasn't able to pay full attention to..." This seems like it needs "so" after the word "ears"
"On the opposite side were abstract paintings that I knew were expensive for no reason." This could mean either that she knew it for no reason or that the paintings were expensive for no reason. I know you mean the latter, but there's some ambiguity.
"Gladly, he did that." This could be "Thankfully, he did that." otherwise it sounds like he did it gladly, which I don't think is what you mean.

Another thing I noticed is that although you mentioned that Miguel has stalkers (the security guard said so), the title is still a mystery. Who is stalking whom? I don't know yet, and by this point I might have liked a hint.

On to Chapter 4...

Lucy

Hi Di,

I've re-read Ch 1 to comment on in more detail.

I like the idea of the man with a beard leaving his family because none of his children look like him, even with their fake beards. It made me smile even though I'm not sure I entirely understand it. I don't think you mean they literally have fake beards although that's a nice image. Just that they pretend they are his children? Maybe you could make it a bit clearer? I liked it anyway!

I remember that the first time I read this I assumed Tonton to be a little boy and that's why he needed help with the pancake syrup. I think you probably intended the reader to makes this assumption and then surprise them later in the meeting with the news that he in fact has special needs.

"The pancakes disappeared a lot sooner than they took to cook." This would make more sense if you swapped "sooner" with "quicker" or "faster."

"You look like you're in labor." Just quoting this because I liked it so much!

"the floors shined like they had just been waxed." I'd swap "shined" for "shone" but that might be a Brit thing.

When Carmie responses to other people, you often use "reacted" which I found a bit odd. "Reacted" isn't (for me) the clearest way of expressing speech. I'd choose other words like "responded" or "answered".

I'd like to say again how interesting I find the idea of Carmie being paid so much money for her story without telling the reader what her story is yet. It's a great hook. On to Ch 2...

Lucy

Di, you asked me to take a look at your book. I've read through chapter three. As far as English being your second language, I think you've done a good job with it. There are some awkward sentences, but nothing that a heavy edit wouldn't fix. You do a good job of hinting at things from Carmie's past, like her relationship with Blue, her mother's disappointment with something she did, etc. What I can't get past is the book deal that she's offered. Without a larger hint at what happened with her and Blue that would warrant a one million peso advance (before the book is even written, at that), I just find it hard to believe. I guess I should add that I have no idea how much money one million pesos is. A firmer grasp on how much money she's offered would be helpful. I almost wonder if a stronger beginning would be the initial offer. If we could see Carmie's initial reaction to someone wanting to publish her story, the idea that she'd have to dredge up painful (?) memories, etc. I think it would make her a more relatable character and help readers connect emotionally to her from the very beginning. How does the initial offer happen? Mrs. Gomez hears Carmie's story through Dr. so-and-so, and I wonder what kind of doctor this woman is. Is she a psychiatrist, therapist, what? How is she authorized to tell a stranger about whatever happened to Carmie?
Your writing style is simple and engaging and I do feel for Carmie as she takes care of her brother and tries hard to get her mom to forgive her, I'm just finding it hard to be emotionally attached to Carmie, which is something that I need as a reader to feel fully engaged in a story.

Hi Di - I would never have guessed that english is not your first language! I kept looking for the problems but didn't really find any! Perhaps instead of couple months - it should be couple of months - and odd things like that but actually I found it was very attractive and endeared the book and the writer to me more! I read several chapters and it is clear you are a talented writer. The hooks at the beginning and end of each chapter and the short punchy sentences were two of the things I particularly liked. High stars from me and all the best with your writing. Will try and find room on my shelf in a few days when I have fulfilled my promises to others!
Margaret Weston - How do I know I know God?

Hi there!
A YARG review
I really like the way you write. You have a simple, easy to follow style and tone which is, I believe, great for the YA market. Carmie's character is believable and the whole concept is an interesting one. Plenty of questions are left unanswered in the opening chapter. Who is Blue? What happened to him and to Carmie? The mind boggles. There are occasionally awkward turns of phrase which can easily sorted with close editing by others, but other than that it is an interesting read. This will go on my WL for now and I will return to read more soon.
Highly rated for an unusual and original idea.
All the best.
Julia
Shadow Jumper

Hi Di,
I've read four chapters of this. It's an interesting story and has plenty of mystery. The build-up of suspense while we wait for Carmie to tell her story to Miguel is a good technique. Exactly why is her story worth so much? Wanting to find out has kept me interested.

There are a few minor problems, I think, which I'm only putting here to be helpful.

Ch 1 There is no 'e' on the end of the word 'blond' if you are referring to a man.

Ch 2 "I'm not stupid to believe that crap." I think this needs the word "enough" or similar to make it make sense.

"...because I needed not to buy those from the market anymore." This would be easier to understand as "because I did not need to buy those from the market anymore."

When meeting Miguel for the first time why did Carmie expect him to be middle-aged? She was told in the meeting that "he's just a little older than you." (Ch 1)

Later, when taking about her life briefly with Miguel, she says she doesn't know where her father is. Straight afterwards she reveals that she does in fact know and that he is dead.

"It's not what I can't do." would be much simpler as "I can do it" or something like that. I had to read it several times to understand what you meant.

When Carmie is talking to Miguel about her friend Mari she says "I hope she never left." But she knows she got married and did leave. So maybe you mean "I hoped she would never leave."

The paragraph starting "After Blue and Shane disappeared from my sight" confused me. I think Shane is Wind, that's what the girl called him, I think. Is that right? So who is Blue? Not the girl. Or is Shane the girl with a boy's name? I got a bit lost there, which is a shame because I know it's important.

I enjoyed what I read and I think, with a little work, you have a good mystery (with a brilliant title!).

Lucy Middlemass
Jinger Barley and The Murkle Moon

I think it's so brilliant that you've written a book about writing a book, and both Carmie's past (Blue) and her present (her strained family life) are really interesting storylines. I also love how you keep us in suspense about what happened between Carmie and Blue that makes it interesting enough to become a memoir. I'm excited to find out! I noticed very little awkwardness with grammar, nothing that an editor coudn't fix. Great stuff!

Di,
Just finished chapter one and you weave an excellent narrative. Except for a few very minor things here and there you would never know that english was your second language. I'm not that qualified to comment on grammar and the like but here a just a few things I saw in chapter one.

Ch. 1
“…that at only ten to nine in the morning, there were already (so) many people itching to get their hands on a book.”
The two sentences right after this sound a little disjointed. I may suggest something along the lines of,
“I once thought that reading was one of the most boring things on earth. But, if I wanted to be a good writer, I figured I had better learn to love it fast.”
“…middle-aged saleswoman.” (instead of saleslady)
“…and (said) she would be back after a phone call.”

But really, you have a wonderful story here, lots of intrigue, great dialogue. I was very drawn in. Keep up the great work and I can't wait to read more. Five stars from me. (:

Cheers,
Bre
Memoria

Di,
Just finished chapter one and you weave an excellent narrative. Except for a few very minor things here and there you would never know that english was your second language. I'm not that qualified to comment on grammar and the like but here a just a few things I saw in chapter one.

Ch. 1
“…that at only ten to nine in the morning, there were already (so) many people itching to get their hands on a book.”
The two sentences right after this sound a little disjointed. I may suggest something along the lines of,
“I once thought that reading was one of the most boring things on earth. But, if I wanted to be a good writer, I figured I had better learn to love it fast.”
“…middle-aged saleswoman.” (instead of saleslady)
“…and (said) she would be back after a phone call.”

But really, you have a wonderful story here, lots of intrigue, great dialogue. I was very drawn in. Keep up the great work and I can't wait to read more. Five stars from me. (:

Cheers,
Bre
Memoria

Maradjen,

Greatly appreciated. I'm happy to shelve your great story, too.

your book just went on my bookshelf, i hope you won't mind, i want to go in and read more of it when i have time. and thank you for the comments. you want to know a secret? gwynaeth is, aside from mayna herself, one of my favorite characters! hehehe, great minds think alike!

blessed be,

maradjen

your book just went on my bookshelf, i hope you won't mind, i want to go in and read more of it when i have time. and thank you for the comments. you want to know a secret? gwynaeth is, aside from mayna herself, one of my favorite characters! hehehe, great minds think alike!

blessed be,

maradjen

this is dreamsearcher/aka "maradjen", and i just read this entire first chapter, as promised. it is now 3:20 CST, so you have till 7:20 CST to return the read and comment. today is sunday, march 11, 2012.

as far as the comment goes, i will be honest, although i do not normally read this type of story, i am willing to admit that i was very impressed with the way that you brought your characters to life. the feeling of uncertainty and nervous tension in the main character is very palpable and believable. i will watchlist your book, at least till you prove if you can keep your end of the bargain.

all in all, save for a few minor places where words were omitted or missed, i liked this. you definitely have talent.

maradjen

~My Beautiful Stalker~
The story starts and catches attention right away. I found myself able to see the main character, Carmie and can really follow her throughout her story. The first chapter has enough question to keep the reader reading and without leaving them hanging. I found it easy to read and loved it!

I didn't see any mistakes, plus I'm not a pro at grammar so I won't bother with nitpicking lol.

Everythings visual and easy to see so it makes for a great read, I flew through the whole first chapters. :)
6 Stars, and I'll stick this on my watchlist to get back to it. Once I rotate my books I'll stick this on my shelf :)

-Courtney
The Echoes

Dear Di,
Just going first with that read you mentioned.
As this is your 2nd language, this is a damned good effort. I feel there is a cultural difference in the structure and style of writing than from a native, but it's still a good read.
I found a few niggling things which struck me as a little 'off'...
'took them to cook in the pan' (sounds like they cooked themselves)– maybe 'they took to cook in the pan' , it's a great rhythm, 'took to cook', almost alliteration.
'speaking his name' (sounds like she had a conversation about his name) – 'saying his name'
'displayed in tall shelves' (50-50, but on a shelf, in a bookcase)– displayed on tall shelves
'still in school' - rather 'at school'
'ten before nine' – rather 'ten to nine'
'from this morning' – 'from the morning'
'Blue really fine with' – 'Blue really okay/happy with', plus the rest of the sentence is strange too.
I also found that you wrote me out of the story, giving me too much, not giving me as a reader enough space to think for myself. And that I kept asking myself why was I reading this? Where was the hook?
Other than that, it was good, I liked it, but I feel it needs some tightening up.
DJC