The Plug

Dear Gannon,

Here are my thoughts on THE PLUG.

I can see that you’ve received mostly positive reviews till now and mine is no different.
The action and dialogue are both very good, but for the sake of credibility, a few inconsistencies need to be fixed, e.g.

# It’s not clear till Pim reached within a metre of the guard as to where this was happening.
It’s absolutely necessary that the reader be able to visualise the settings at the onset of an action sequence.

# If Echo designed the plug that was implanted in Pim, then why do they make a living out of stealing more plugs?
Why don’t they design and sell plugs instead?

# If the plug is so important, why was it kept in a derelict 3-story building with a single moronic HK guarding it?

# A physical description of a plug is very important. I found it lacking even after Pim had returned to their hideout and Echo had plugged the stolen plug into the 3-screened microwave thingy.

# What’s a face city? Is it a VR city?

# The plug can transform its owner from a petty thief into a ‘superman’ with crystalmeth-like side effects, but what is its power source? Does it draw from the host’s body? If so, then the energy drain will be lethal.

# Finally, the year is 2024; too early for teleportation.

That’s all; I look forward to reading the rest and will get back to you if I have more to add, 5 STARS for now, best of luck with it.

Warm regards,
AGC

Hi there AGC, thanks very much for taking the time to read my book and offer your advice. You bring up many good suggestions and I am taking them onboard. Cheers.

Dear Gannon,

Here are my thoughts on THE PLUG.

I can see that you’ve received mostly positive reviews till now and mine is no different.
The action and dialogue are both very good, but for the sake of credibility, a few inconsistencies need to be fixed, e.g.

# It’s not clear till Pim reached within a metre of the guard as to where this was happening.
It’s absolutely necessary that the reader be able to visualise the settings at the onset of an action sequence.

# If Echo designed the plug that was implanted in Pim, then why do they make a living out of stealing more plugs?
Why don’t they design and sell plugs instead?

# If the plug is so important, why was it kept in a derelict 3-story building with a single moronic HK guarding it?

# A physical description of a plug is very important. I found it lacking even after Pim had returned to their hideout and Echo had plugged the stolen plug into the 3-screened microwave thingy.

# What’s a face city? Is it a VR city?

# The plug can transform its owner from a petty thief into a ‘superman’ with crystalmeth-like side effects, but what is its power source? Does it draw from the host’s body? If so, then the energy drain will be lethal.

# Finally, the year is 2024; too early for teleportation.

That’s all; I look forward to reading the rest and will get back to you if I have more to add, 5 STARS for now, best of luck with it.

Warm regards,
AGC

Your action scenes are good, Gannon. You can use shorter sentences if you want to pack more punch. As a suggestion, instead of three sentences in the last paragraph of 'Neman - The Present' you could try "It looked like they were going to make it unharmed when a lucky slammer missile hit Armadillo Three in the tracks. This brought the tank to a shuddering halt. Without warning, a second slammer hit the back of the turret where the vents were situated and a huge explosion shattered outside the tank. The top gunner of Armadillo Two quickly mopped up the last two raiders who had exhausted their slammers."
I took some liberties but you get my drift. Actually I'd like to have a ride in an Armadillo!
Best, Maud.

You have a solid imagination and a potentially great story. I like the technology you have invented and the opening action. It's all very exciting. But I think there are some necessary edits. Agents want manuscripts that are close to the finished product. I like to give specific examples.

Pitches:
~ Sharpen sentences by removing unecessary words. "America is at war with itself." You could just say "America is at civil war."
~ Avoid repetition of words. "States are run by powerful warlords all vying for power." "Power" is repeated twice in one sentence. Perhaps they are trying to gain "control?"
~ Watch for spelling. "gurarded"
~ Watch for run-on sentences. "He was charged with guarding the plug that was stolen by Pim now he has one day..." The later part of this sentence also has a repetition of "is going to" which really should be "will." To avoid repeating "will," try using "an earth-altering announcement," for the second part.

Chapter 1:
~ "I could just make Echo's words out through the static." Don't split the verb from its preposition. "Make out" should be together, but perhaps "could barely comprehend" is more fitting?
~ "No, something is very wrong Pim get out of there, it's not worth it." This is three sentences run together.
~ Tinny or tiny?
~ "...is going to get it."I replied.
Needs a space between the last quotation mark and the "I"
~ "Once I had a hole..." This sentence repeats "hole" twice, and the next sentence has it once.
~ "Even stranger..." This sentence could be sharpened and shortened to, "Even stranger, it was a Kopec."
~ "The safecracker finished cracking..." You say what happens then go back and explain that Echo had started doing it at a particular time, causing a repetition of the event.

Hopefully this is all helpful! I've starred this imaginative, action-filled MS!
-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

Thank you very much Ballerina for your wonderful comments and advice. I am taking it all on board and will do some editing. Once again thanks a heap for your help, Cheers Gannon.

You have a solid imagination and a potentially great story. I like the technology you have invented and the opening action. It's all very exciting. But I think there are some necessary edits. Agents want manuscripts that are close to the finished product. I like to give specific examples.

Pitches:
~ Sharpen sentences by removing unecessary words. "America is at war with itself." You could just say "America is at civil war."
~ Avoid repetition of words. "States are run by powerful warlords all vying for power." "Power" is repeated twice in one sentence. Perhaps they are trying to gain "control?"
~ Watch for spelling. "gurarded"
~ Watch for run-on sentences. "He was charged with guarding the plug that was stolen by Pim now he has one day..." The later part of this sentence also has a repetition of "is going to" which really should be "will." To avoid repeating "will," try using "an earth-altering announcement," for the second part.

Chapter 1:
~ "I could just make Echo's words out through the static." Don't split the verb from its preposition. "Make out" should be together, but perhaps "could barely comprehend" is more fitting?
~ "No, something is very wrong Pim get out of there, it's not worth it." This is three sentences run together.
~ Tinny or tiny?
~ "...is going to get it."I replied.
Needs a space between the last quotation mark and the "I"
~ "Once I had a hole..." This sentence repeats "hole" twice, and the next sentence has it once.
~ "Even stranger..." This sentence could be sharpened and shortened to, "Even stranger, it was a Kopec."
~ "The safecracker finished cracking..." You say what happens then go back and explain that Echo had started doing it at a particular time, causing a repetition of the event.

Hopefully this is all helpful! I've starred this imaginative, action-filled MS!
-Cassandra Porter
LOVE, DEATH, OR THE GIFT OF HAPPINESS

interesting variation.

The plot is rocking along, Gannon. I love the way Chapter 13 turned out, nice one.
Solvus and Echo are taking off for me (a light globe lit up above my head....)
Don't know if the styrofoam cup incident is meant to be humorous but I chuckled.
Watch those missing commas prior to a name, e.g. "Go to hell, asshole."
With spelling, 3d is usually written 3D, and "payed" is usually written "paid".
The story absorbs me to the extent that I'm reading and not correcting as much.
It's because your writing is getting more proficient.
Bye, Maud.

Thanks again Maud, I will fix up the errors you have pointed out. I no longer have chapter numbers. Each chapter is now narrated by a character. I really like this change. I am glad that you loved the way Capter 13 turned out, because your advice had a lot to do with it. Cheers again Maud. :)

The plot is rocking along, Gannon. I love the way Chapter 13 turned out, nice one.
Solvus and Echo are taking off for me (a light globe lit up above my head....)
Don't know if the styrofoam cup incident is meant to be humorous but I chuckled.
Watch those missing commas prior to a name, e.g. "Go to hell, asshole."
With spelling, 3d is usually written 3D, and "payed" is usually written "paid".
The story absorbs me to the extent that I'm reading and not correcting as much.
It's because your writing is getting more proficient.
Bye, Maud.

I read everything that you have posted and I thought it was a really exciting read and you have a great start!! I love cyberpunk and I think this is a great example. There are some comments that I have to maybe smooth out the rough spots. There are some grammar errors, but this is nothing a good editing won't fix. I don't usually point them out, because grammar isn't my stong suit. To make your dialog flow a little smoother consider the use of contractions (I'm instead of I am). Not using contractions makes the dialog sound a little stunted. Another comment is the switch between first person and third person at first I liked, because it seemed like any time there was a scene with Pim it was told in the first person. Then towards the end when she gets the visitor in her cell it changes. That was a little confusing. Also, there is a lot of backstory in there. Originally in mine I had pages of world building, but I got comments that it was a little overwhelming. So I would consider cutting it down a bit a put refferences to the past in the dialog and pepper the history throughout instead of big chunks. Last thing, I didn't get that Pim was a girl until the second of third chapter. I would make that a little clearer.

I think your story is good. It just needs some tightening up. I have backed and starred.

Thanks so much for your backing and starring. I have taken on board your comments and advice. I have noticed that I have a tendency to jump from first to third person. You are correct, my idea was to have Pim's chapters in first person. I will make it known that Pim is a girl in the first chapter.
I have read six chapters of your book and am loving it, especially your main character. Cheers. :)

I read everything that you have posted and I thought it was a really exciting read and you have a great start!! I love cyberpunk and I think this is a great example. There are some comments that I have to maybe smooth out the rough spots. There are some grammar errors, but this is nothing a good editing won't fix. I don't usually point them out, because grammar isn't my stong suit. To make your dialog flow a little smoother consider the use of contractions (I'm instead of I am). Not using contractions makes the dialog sound a little stunted. Another comment is the switch between first person and third person at first I liked, because it seemed like any time there was a scene with Pim it was told in the first person. Then towards the end when she gets the visitor in her cell it changes. That was a little confusing. Also, there is a lot of backstory in there. Originally in mine I had pages of world building, but I got comments that it was a little overwhelming. So I would consider cutting it down a bit a put refferences to the past in the dialog and pepper the history throughout instead of big chunks. Last thing, I didn't get that Pim was a girl until the second of third chapter. I would make that a little clearer.

I think your story is good. It just needs some tightening up. I have backed and starred.

Your narrative has sting and Chapters 12 and 13 are starting to bite harder. Just tossing ideas around but have you considered writing a proper seduction scene between Stacey and Locke? Even if you don't use it, it may be good practice for writing scenes with sexual tension. The only typo I can see this time is Stacey's "Child's play" which doesn't need a capital letter.
Glass sounds totally evil stuff!
Ciao, Maud.

Thanks Maud, great idea about a seduction scene between Stacey and Locke, especially if Locke becomes a more important character, which I think he will. Cheers Maud, you are the best. :)

Your narrative has sting and Chapters 12 and 13 are starting to bite harder. Just tossing ideas around but have you considered writing a proper seduction scene between Stacey and Locke? Even if you don't use it, it may be good practice for writing scenes with sexual tension. The only typo I can see this time is Stacey's "Child's play" which doesn't need a capital letter.
Glass sounds totally evil stuff!
Ciao, Maud.

interesting premise. you have a good foundation here. agreed that you have to use a fine tooth comb over it to smooth out the text book feel in places...
j
what every woman should know

Hi there scargirl. Thanks for your comments and advice. :)

interesting premise. you have a good foundation here. agreed that you have to use a fine tooth comb over it to smooth out the text book feel in places...
j
what every woman should know

Gannon, that's an impressive fight scene in Chapter 10, the unstoppable Cassius. The background story is taking shape in Chapter 11. Great paragraphing, although eventually you may have to take the edge off so that it doesn't read like a text book of facts. You've said Patrina "was confident" twice so perhaps you could change one of them into her thoughts or speech. At this stage, the only typo appears to be "buiid" instead of "build". I like the name Sol Invictus. All in all it's still packing a punch.
Bye, Maud.

you have an interesting story, here. you tell it well with skill. lt has flow, and narrative and dialogue work well together too...
l have backed...
read SEASONS...

There are some grammarical issues that can be easily cleared up in one or two edits, so I won't go into detail. (if you want details, message me, otherwise I'll leave you alone) Other than that, the story is quite solid, and the technological invention, a must in every good piece of sci-fi, is creative, practical, and could actually come out of current technology. Kudos to you! You've manage to achieve the most difficult aspect of science fiction...making it connect with the current audience!
However, I thought that you have been pulling your narrative punches, and in a piece like this there is a lot of room to kick the readers metaphoric teeth in and still get a lot of forgiveness for it. Your world is corrupt and gritty, the dangers are many and extremely invasive, let it show in the words you use to describe what it happening.
I haven't read any good and original sci-fi in a long time, so I will be continuing my read. Keep at it!

Hi there lesliethompson. Thank you very much for your kind words and valuable advice and comments. This is my first attempt at writing and I am constantly going back and changing chapters. I agree about my narrative and I will make it a bit more "down and dirty". I have put your book on my watchlist, it sounds like my kind of book. Will read it as soon as I have some time. Once again Cheers. :)

There are some grammarical issues that can be easily cleared up in one or two edits, so I won't go into detail. (if you want details, message me, otherwise I'll leave you alone) Other than that, the story is quite solid, and the technological invention, a must in every good piece of sci-fi, is creative, practical, and could actually come out of current technology. Kudos to you! You've manage to achieve the most difficult aspect of science fiction...making it connect with the current audience!
However, I thought that you have been pulling your narrative punches, and in a piece like this there is a lot of room to kick the readers metaphoric teeth in and still get a lot of forgiveness for it. Your world is corrupt and gritty, the dangers are many and extremely invasive, let it show in the words you use to describe what it happening.
I haven't read any good and original sci-fi in a long time, so I will be continuing my read. Keep at it!

No worries, Gannon, keep up the good work. Do you use Find for alterations? Just a tip if you are writing the draft on MS Word, you can change and alter words in Edit/Find/Replace, e.g. if you want capitals for government or h/k, change a name, alter a spelling, etc, in one hit without having to actually go through your document word-for-word. Anyway, it's looking so much better! Maud F.

You know what Maud, I wasn't. Can't believe that. Cheers again.

No worries, Gannon, keep up the good work. Do you use Find for alterations? Just a tip if you are writing the draft on MS Word, you can change and alter words in Edit/Find/Replace, e.g. if you want capitals for government or h/k, change a name, alter a spelling, etc, in one hit without having to actually go through your document word-for-word. Anyway, it's looking so much better! Maud F.

Definite improvements, Gannon.

Here goes, some more advice:
Chapter 1. The important plug may look better if always in capitals “the Plug”.
“he still had three storeys” (Australian UK English spelling).
Should ‘government’ be a capital, as in Government?
“and I just prayed that” not ‘preyed’.
Great, (comma) it could teleport. Just what I needed.
“As I landed on the next building...” could start a new paragraph.
“...and he said to me” isn’t really necessary, I’d drop the “to me”.
There’s a little bit where Pim goes from first to third person when
she’s lost in her thoughts, maybe keep it all first person.
A set of gates guarded by a guard.....hhmm.....

Chapter 3. Pim should be either first person or third throughout this chapter.
“I will be with you all the way, in spirit,” he chuckled. “Together...
“The only answer the President...” starts a new paragraph.

Chapter 4. Perhaps voila could be in italics.
“I just had to catch up on a bit of work. I’m behind.”

Chapter 5. Maybe ‘hit a key” on the laptop, not a button.
“Ah, Sanders has not...” capital letter.
Capitals for hunter/killer.

Chapter 6. “...have to say no, (comma) Doctor.”
Perhaps best not for young Pim to use the F bomb.
After ‘old fashioned sparkplugs with circuits’ section, there should
be dialogue quotes “...” and paragraphed.
Why does Dr Sanders call her “Mrs Pim”? Typo?
I feel that Pim should have a pang of remorse/worry/guilt for Echo.
“I turned towards Caesar’s table...” starts a new paragraph.
Breaks can be designated by spaces or by * * *
Archon said “Phoenix”, in quotation marks.
“...I only have this plug”. He turned around, pulling his shirt up.

Chapter 7. Don’t forget the apostrophe ‘s’ on words like girl’s.
Love the name of the bar!

Chapter 9. How do Pim and Neman actually ‘power up’ their plugs?
“Brutus here is a h/k”, in capitals.
A great fight scene, nice pace and well set out.

Chapter 10. More h/k, in capitals.
Another well set up scene with tension and a sense of anticipation.
Notice how it has become tighter, clearer and characters are stronger.
Roll on Chapter 11.
MF.

Thankyou so much Maud for taking the time to list my errors. I know how busy you are. I will go through all of them and make the corrections and alterations. :)

Definite improvements, Gannon.

Here goes, some more advice:
Chapter 1. The important plug may look better if always in capitals “the Plug”.
“he still had three storeys” (Australian UK English spelling).
Should ‘government’ be a capital, as in Government?
“and I just prayed that” not ‘preyed’.
Great, (comma) it could teleport. Just what I needed.
“As I landed on the next building...” could start a new paragraph.
“...and he said to me” isn’t really necessary, I’d drop the “to me”.
There’s a little bit where Pim goes from first to third person when
she’s lost in her thoughts, maybe keep it all first person.
A set of gates guarded by a guard.....hhmm.....

Chapter 3. Pim should be either first person or third throughout this chapter.
“I will be with you all the way, in spirit,” he chuckled. “Together...
“The only answer the President...” starts a new paragraph.

Chapter 4. Perhaps voila could be in italics.
“I just had to catch up on a bit of work. I’m behind.”

Chapter 5. Maybe ‘hit a key” on the laptop, not a button.
“Ah, Sanders has not...” capital letter.
Capitals for hunter/killer.

Chapter 6. “...have to say no, (comma) Doctor.”
Perhaps best not for young Pim to use the F bomb.
After ‘old fashioned sparkplugs with circuits’ section, there should
be dialogue quotes “...” and paragraphed.
Why does Dr Sanders call her “Mrs Pim”? Typo?
I feel that Pim should have a pang of remorse/worry/guilt for Echo.
“I turned towards Caesar’s table...” starts a new paragraph.
Breaks can be designated by spaces or by * * *
Archon said “Phoenix”, in quotation marks.
“...I only have this plug”. He turned around, pulling his shirt up.

Chapter 7. Don’t forget the apostrophe ‘s’ on words like girl’s.
Love the name of the bar!

Chapter 9. How do Pim and Neman actually ‘power up’ their plugs?
“Brutus here is a h/k”, in capitals.
A great fight scene, nice pace and well set out.

Chapter 10. More h/k, in capitals.
Another well set up scene with tension and a sense of anticipation.
Notice how it has become tighter, clearer and characters are stronger.
Roll on Chapter 11.
MF.

Hi Gannon,
Love the story you've got going on here and looking forward to seeing where it's going to go. The characters are strong and I like the world you've created.
Some of the dialogue/speech is a little stilted - it reads smoother in some places more so than in others.
There's a few typos/grammatical errors but they're pretty minor and easily smoothed out in a first edit.
Great job and highly starred. (:

Thank you Bre I have just finished re-writing the first chapter, which I think is much better now. Thanks a million for the support. :)
Bre
Memoria

Hi Gannon,
Love the story you've got going on here and looking forward to seeing where it's going to go. The characters are strong and I like the world you've created.
Some of the dialogue/speech is a little stilted - it reads smoother in some places more so than in others.
There's a few typos/grammatical errors but they're pretty minor and easily smoothed out in a first edit.
Great job and highly starred. (:

Bre
Memoria

First of all, I think Pim is one agreeably tough cookie. I did worry about her epidermal layers taking all that punishment when she got her supertech powers but she seems to cope and this enhanced the 'spinal' addiction side effect. Your futuristic gizmo thingies are very clever although the idea of Face City and a 'plug' makes me shudder. I had no trouble understanding the storyline, just a tad too much explanatory to-and-fro, yet it really drew me into another world. I will re-read it to get the baddies straight in my head; and what happened to the real Patrina Knowles or did I miss that? I do love the character names and personalities. Archon is close to Hades (wink). Apart from the fact that there are grammar mishaps, e.g. punctuation, paragraphing, a couple of clunky sentences, slipping in and out of capital letters, italics needed for character thoughts, Chapter 3 "ended up with me bawling my eyes out" not balling - all of which I would like to correct - your narrative does flow well. There's great potential here, especially for a teenage market. Brutus and Neman could get a cult following. That was a neat place to pause, Gannon, it leaves me wanting more!

Thanks very much Maud. I have been fixing up grammar and punctuation all day and am still finding mistakes. I have rewritten alot of the first chapter to fix up a couple of mistakes which did not make sense with the storyline. Once again thankyou so much for your kind words and editorial skills. I hope you will continue to follow the story and continue to help me fix up my many errors.

First of all, I think Pim is one agreeably tough cookie. I did worry about her epidermal layers taking all that punishment when she got her supertech powers but she seems to cope and this enhanced the 'spinal' addiction side effect. Your futuristic gizmo thingies are very clever although the idea of Face City and a 'plug' makes me shudder. I had no trouble understanding the storyline, just a tad too much explanatory to-and-fro, yet it really drew me into another world. I will re-read it to get the baddies straight in my head; and what happened to the real Patrina Knowles or did I miss that? I do love the character names and personalities. Archon is close to Hades (wink). Apart from the fact that there are grammar mishaps, e.g. punctuation, paragraphing, a couple of clunky sentences, slipping in and out of capital letters, italics needed for character thoughts, Chapter 3 "ended up with me bawling my eyes out" not balling - all of which I would like to correct - your narrative does flow well. There's great potential here, especially for a teenage market. Brutus and Neman could get a cult following. That was a neat place to pause, Gannon, it leaves me wanting more!

PLUG
Wow. If this is what the future is going to be like, it’s going to be exciting. I was surprised to see these powerful additions to people which turn them into superpowers, will be called “plugs”. Seems as if they deserve a more dynamic name than that. Either way, the whole idea is great (my husband is watching the Lakers play basketball as I write this and I’m thinking how much better they could dunk with a plug in their back; be the end of basketball as we know it). Either way, this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Hey there Gannon, I like these type of books, it reminds me of the matrix. I have read the first 3 chapters and it seems pretty decent so far.

Thankyou so much Seraphim1427 for having a look at my book. it is my first and still very much a work in progress. Please let me know what you think if you keep reading.

Hey there Gannon, I like these type of books, it reminds me of the matrix. I have read the first 3 chapters and it seems pretty decent so far.

Gannon,

I read your first chapter. A very interesting idea, ideal for tech and sci-fi enthusiasts.

The narrative was a little lumpy in places, having all the tech stuff explained mid-action kind of took away from the action itself. Perhaps, either explain the capabilities then go into the action or the other way around. That way, we get great flowing action and the cool techy stuff.

I found a few niggles:
The dialogue that starts "I am pretty sure it is a multi-plug Pim...." Has no end quote and runs into the narrative.

You left an "e" off "one" in "...one in my left arm, on in my leg..."

I would put the words "powerful anti-venom" in quotes in "...but I did hear the words powerful anti-venom."

Also, It's only a personal thing, but the very long paragraphs tend to turn me off, especially while trying to make notes and critique, because the scrolling can be a problem.
Also, as with your last brief paragraph in chapter one, you have both characters speaking without a new parahraph. I would have each person's dialogue start on a new line.

Best wishes
Warrick

Hi Warrick. Thankyou for the advice it is much appreciated. This book being my first is a real learning experience and a work in progress. I have taken other andvice and yours and if you read chapter 7 and 8 I hope you will notice a real difference. Shorter paragraphs, the narrative flows along much better. If you get to 7 and 8 please let me know what you think. I hope my writning is improving. Once again thankyou so much for the advice it is advice like yours that is really going to help me along. Cheers Warrick.

Gannon,

I read your first chapter. A very interesting idea, ideal for tech and sci-fi enthusiasts.

The narrative was a little lumpy in places, having all the tech stuff explained mid-action kind of took away from the action itself. Perhaps, either explain the capabilities then go into the action or the other way around. That way, we get great flowing action and the cool techy stuff.

I found a few niggles:
The dialogue that starts "I am pretty sure it is a multi-plug Pim...." Has no end quote and runs into the narrative.

You left an "e" off "one" in "...one in my left arm, on in my leg..."

I would put the words "powerful anti-venom" in quotes in "...but I did hear the words powerful anti-venom."

Also, It's only a personal thing, but the very long paragraphs tend to turn me off, especially while trying to make notes and critique, because the scrolling can be a problem.
Also, as with your last brief paragraph in chapter one, you have both characters speaking without a new parahraph. I would have each person's dialogue start on a new line.

Best wishes
Warrick

Hi Neale
I have started on your book and first off - I love it - this stuff is right up my street - like a crazy mix of Johnny Mnemonic, Terminator, and The Matrix all in one story - cool. Lots of cool tech speak lingo which all helps the reader in imagining this world. Altho you say "the plug was being guarded by a man..." at first I actually thought he was going to try and steal the "plug"actually from the guard's spine - it wasnt clear to me it was in a safe - prob cos you mention the guard's plug a few times - maybe just make it clearer at outset re safe and two plugs one to steal and the other actually implanted in the guard?
In terms of your formatting - try splitting up paras a bit more and also each line of dialogue should be on its own separate line - just helps flow.
A few wee grammaticals: hope they make sense.
"just preyed that I could outrun it" - should be "prayed"
"It was as if god had turned the united states..." usually "god" would have a capital in print even if in mid sentence "as if God had..."
"I leapt unto the next building" "onto"
Definately a movei to be made here. I will comment more as I go Neale. Starred and watchlisted for more.
Derek
The Angel Chord

Thanks so much Derek, I know I have a long way to go, and your advice is very much appreciated. Cheers mate.

Hi Neale
I have started on your book and first off - I love it - this stuff is right up my street - like a crazy mix of Johnny Mnemonic, Terminator, and The Matrix all in one story - cool. Lots of cool tech speak lingo which all helps the reader in imagining this world. Altho you say "the plug was being guarded by a man..." at first I actually thought he was going to try and steal the "plug"actually from the guard's spine - it wasnt clear to me it was in a safe - prob cos you mention the guard's plug a few times - maybe just make it clearer at outset re safe and two plugs one to steal and the other actually implanted in the guard?
In terms of your formatting - try splitting up paras a bit more and also each line of dialogue should be on its own separate line - just helps flow.
A few wee grammaticals: hope they make sense.
"just preyed that I could outrun it" - should be "prayed"
"It was as if god had turned the united states..." usually "god" would have a capital in print even if in mid sentence "as if God had..."
"I leapt unto the next building" "onto"
Definately a movei to be made here. I will comment more as I go Neale. Starred and watchlisted for more.
Derek
The Angel Chord

A plug for Plug. Caesar sounds familiar. And the Euro? Lost Angels. Good stuff. I'll keep an eye on this. Well done, published successfully, and good luck.

Thanks Ian, don't expect too much it is my first time writing, hopefully I can improve with practice. I am going to read Tiger Hugs after Angel Chord. Cheers for the words of encouragement.

A plug for Plug. Caesar sounds familiar. And the Euro? Lost Angels. Good stuff. I'll keep an eye on this. Well done, published successfully, and good luck.