Memoria

I'm really loving this story! I wish there was more. I'm a real sucker for love triangles, so it kills me that I can't keep reading. I agree with the comment below about needing to specify who's talking, but I'm sure you'll get to that... Hurry up and write more! :)

Very good chapter!!!! I liked it a lot. The dialogue between EC and Inara is hysterical. Those two made me laugh so many times. I really like their friendship. I also find Plum to be one of the most adorable little girls in the whole world.
The only thing I would suggest is that there were a couple of times that I had trouble figuring out who was talking. You explained it pretty well for the most part, but there were a few sentences where I had a hard time knowing who was saying what.
But still, great job! I can't wait to read more!

Ali Schanbacher
The Star Maker

Your pitch was excellent. It made me realize I have much to learn to improve my own hook. I've only read the first chapter so far but I'm impressed. Your 'explanations' and flashbacks don't slow the story and already I feel as if I care what happens to Inara. I'll be back to read more soon.

I have been looking forward to reading this and i'm pleased i did.
Your story is clever and i really like the names that help the reader understand your concept, Extractors and Cogs', memory junkies, that was cool.
Your writing, you never know what is coming next, a memory, present action or explanation. It's unpredictable and interesting, a good mixture.
The main character is strong and deeply hurt, seems hardheaded, a protection mechanism to keep the pain inside and not to add to it, makes me wonder how she will be able to carry on hiding when she's bursting to be free and how she'll let herself fall in love.
I'm looking forward to finding out, great read. Emma.

Yarg.
I have reviewed this book before and thought it was great. But not with yarg
The writer shows us action from the start, love the idea that memories can be traded.
The story flows well from chapter to chapter and the reader is drawn in from the start.
Loved it. Highly rated.
Christian.
Devlin Lacy: Over the Edge.

MEMORIA
This is a book with an interesting premise: memories can be traded for money, but once they’re traded, they’re lost forever. I’m not sure I understand how that works but it’s a clever way of turning people into more machine than human. Inara is a good character. I found her likable immediately because she was being chased by some super power; sympathetic because she was trapped in the alley. Cyrrux is a little more of a puzzle; why the government would leave the memories intact of Extractors seemed a little odd; doesn’t that leave them vulnerable to doing just what Cyrrux is doing? Forming an alliance with someone more like him than his fellow Extractors? Either way, this is a good read. Highly starred and added to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

This is was a very enjoyable book to read. :) I really love how u describe the Memoria and the characters who experience their time there. I especially love how u describe the character's emotions for example:
She laughs a sunshine filled laugh and My mother can make the birds sing with her joy. Really enjoy how u captivate the character feelings. :)
Keep u wondering will the memories be saved! :) Great book ! :)

Wow. I really loved this! I enjoyed it so much I've backed your book :)
You had me hooked from the beginning with all that action, which is great. Your writing is really easy to read and entertaining. I loved the back and forth between Inara and Cyrrux, as well as their names - how cool are they?! It's such a unique idea, using memories as currency. The whole thing gave me a bit of a Scott Westerfeld 'Uglies' vibe, especially with that whole futuristic backdrop. Inara is the type of character that I love to read - so fiesty! I thought some of your descriptions were beautiful ie. the merry-go-round reference.
I'm not sure if it's already been mentioned to you, but I noticed you're missing commas when a character is speaking to someone directly. It should read ' "What's on the chip, Cyrrux?" ' or ' "Cyrrux, what's on the chip?" '
My only other thought is that you have more than one character using relatively unique 'phrases' ie. "Har-har" and "anyways". If it were me I would keep each of them to a different person to help solidify their personalities.
I'd love to be able to read more :)

Intriguing pitch. brilliantly written. Not the kind of book I would ever normally read, but it sucked me in anyway. This book should be published. Six stars.

This is such a great book and it has really sucked me in!! I adore the characters!! Inara and Cyrrux are great and they are great together!! They dialogue is fantastic. I always get really excited to read the scenes where they are together.
Nice job! I can't wait to find out how it all turns out!

Ali Schanbacher

The concept is very unique. The characters are well written. I think you have a winner here. However, I felt like someone is in the air telling a story instead of the character living the story. You have some great scenes where you describe your surroundings or you share a memory but for the most part the first two chapters are filling in the blanks. Maybe more interaction of an exchange and watching the process of extraction taking place. Just a thought. The interchange between characters is sharp and witty with an electric friction between them which works well. I plan to read more. I definitely like where you are taking this.

Trading memories as currency - such a spooky and original premise that gives me goosebumps. I love your pitch, it sells your story fantastically. You write very well and have a fantastic idea for a story. The only negative would be that I found there was slightly too much explantation going on in the first chapter, what with the Necessity cards etc, not quite balanced with enough action. Maybe if there was a bit of a switch around to get the story off to a flying start, then bring in the background, or maybe that's just me.
I really did enjoy the first few chapters and found the pace picked up as it went along. I think if you switched things around slightly it would make the opening much more exciting.
A great read and I hope it does well.
Melissa
Lessons in the Dark

Memoria: a YARG review

This book is just the sort of thing that is so popular now. I really like the premise of the story: that memories are currency, traded for Necessities.
Inara is an interesting character. She's very independent, and mature far beyond her years. The opening of the story is intense, gauged to hook the reader right away, and as I read I looked forward to seeing where the story went.
I did notice that the punctuation could be cleaned up here and there, but it wasn't a major issue. I was a little more concerned about the narrative itself. Inara and Cyrrux are two very different people, and yet to me their narratives sounded much the same. I'd work to differentiate their voices more; for example, both use the word, "Anyways." This sounds to me as something appropriate for Inara but a little young for Cyrrux. Likewise, I was often confused during their conversation. With few dialogue tags and little difference between their speaking styles, I got lost a couple of times trying to figure out who was saying what.
Overall, though, this was a really enjoyable read, and just the sort of thing I've been really into lately. From what I've seen, you've got a fantastic story here, and a real knack for description. I'm really interested in seeing where everything leads.
Best of luck!
Emily

I've read the first few chapter, and I have to say, this is an intriguing concept, you've created a great MC in Inara, and I can already sense the immediate tension between herself and Cyrrux. Looking forward to reading more!

SF42 review - based on 11 chapters, 6 stars

Normally, I like to leave a review right after reading the book, because everything is fresh, but I read this one completely, so all I had time for was crashing into bed.
You have a love triangle, so I think you should capitalize on that as soon as possible. Readers like that at the moment with all that Hunger Games craze, so until that bubble blows, jump on that train. Get an editor, polish it, and get it out to all major bloggers...they will do the rest. If you don't, I'm afraid that love triangle thing will get old, and you'll lose perfectly good book to market saturation.
I like the book very much and would be interested in reading it as a whole. Here are some things that I would like to point out (needle in a haystack).
You have unbelievably good premise -- memory currency -- it paints a picture of a familiar, soon-to-be world. Everything is believable society wise. The odd factor is the fact that Inara is seventeen, but it doesn't feel like she is, and I didn't see the reason why she was considered a leader among the Originals. Yes, she's fit and capable, but so are others in the camp. Why her? What's her merit?
Dialog is fantastic, fast, witty, and says a lot about characters.
Extractor are perceived as guards/soldiers when you read, someone who extracts memories and hunts Originals, not very high in the hierarchy, so when Cyrrux was introduced as a creator of the project, that seemed out of the place. You don't expect a cleaning lady to be a top engineer, unless the book is exactly about that, but it's not, so it was odd.
Switching between Inara and Cyrrux is amazing.

CH3
["]You should see this guy,...."

CH4
"...when it goes on an[d] on"

"Thanks again, for everything.["]

CH5
she asks innocently[.]

That's it from me, great stuff, I will back it up as soon as I get some space on my shelf.

I've spent the past half-hour or so trying to find a book interesting enough to keep from falling asleep. I was about to give up, and then I stumble upon this piece of gold. Something about your opening line just...it was perfect, drew me in immediately. All too often stories start off rambling on about various characters backgrounds, but you just jump right into the action, which is brilliant. And your word choices, the brutal honesty of it, is a great setter for the tone.

Your dialogue is real, smooth, and gives a good sense of the characters. Also, the ambiguity of it all so far makes me want to read on. Plus, I really adore the name Inara; it's quite pretty.

A millions stars! ...wait, that's not possible. ;)

Wow. Very interesting! The idea that memories are currency and once they're used, they're gone. It reminds me a bit of one of my shorts, but yours is much more developed and infinitely more original!

Below are some notes I took while reading. Just some editorial things. If a suggestion doesn't float your boat, feel free to ignore it. :)

"I'm working on it oh queen of serenity just give..." <--I think a new sentence should begin after 'serenity'

"Damn," I swear, to..." <--- You could just leave it at something like 'say' or 'mumble'. The 'swear' part seems a little repetitive since we know she just said a curse word.

"But no amount of adrenaline can sustain me through what happens next." <-- This bit threw me off for a second. Since this is first person and she's kind of taking us along for the ride, it seems odd to have her mention what is about to happen because she hasn't experienced it yet... I'm not sure I'm explaining myself very well. >.< If it was past tense and said. "But no amount of adrenaline could sustain me through what happened next." It would fit. But for present tense as it is, it reads a little awkward since she doesn't actually know what's going to happen next. Or it could just be me doing what I do best--confusing myself! :)

"On hot summer days when she puts her hair up I can still..." <--comma after "up" I think

"She puts my childish hands" <-- maybe it's just me, but when I see 'childish' I think immature as in attitude. Maybe something like "tiny" or little can work here as well. Just a suggestion. :)

ch 2.

"My agitation is growing as... <-- My agitation grows as..."
"Maybe she's afraid to come, I was rather..." <-- New sentence beginning with "I was..."
"Like she was actually going to stay and fight, please, she weighed..." <--period after 'fight'
"I'm standing mute contemplating..." <-- "I stand mute..."
"You're an Extractor, how do I even know I can trust you?" <- you could cut this down but omitting 'do I even know I'

"A splash of riot and defiance against a backdrop of modern serenity." Love this line! :)

"Yes, I can feel society starting to shift already." lol, love this one too.

You did a great job of giving information about the government and society as a whole without creating an info dump. I really like Inara's personality. She's got spunk! I can tell she's going to give everyone a run for their money. I look forward to reading more of this!

The writing seems a bit choppy in the first chapter, the natural flow is getting jammed up by the word-y-ness of the inner narration. I think opening with the first bit of dialogue would work to your advantage, it would throw your reader into the mix and leave them wondering what's going on, followed then by your information on Necessity cards, comlinks and these Extractors.

Just a quick note, you want to use 'said' substitutes very sparringly and develop your individual character voices so you don't need to break up the flow of the conversation in he said/she said exchanges. I'd also like to see some more reaction pieces, to show the narrators emotion during a scene rather than state it.

'...crisp white card...piece of purity in a sea of filth' I LOVE this line, it is exquisit and very visual. It's a very profound insight coming from such a young character, and really emphasises how much she has been forced to 'grow up' before she should have to.

Overall, I adore your concept. The only real put-off for me is the amount of 'telling' vs 'showing', you have tons of opportunities to show us this strange new world where people use their memories as currency and how that effects their lifestyles instead of just telling us how it works. I loved Inara's flashback about her mother, it was very strong and simple, to the point. That was a great way of showing us their relationship, instead of telling.

I found Cyrrux and Inara's conversation in the second chapter to be very forced, and very lengthy--like they had all the time in the word to dig up as many impressive words as they could find. I'd understand Cyrrux having a more advanced vocabulary than Inara based on his high position in the Agency and therefore access to an advanced education but Inara, from what I understand, has limited contact with the average citizens and would have a less advanced choice of words.

There's also a large amount of information that you drop on the reader in the first two chapters that could be spaced out. These are just my opinions, feel free to use what you think can improve your work and discard anything you disagree with.

Best of luck with your work, it is a very interesting concept that, with a little polish, could become a great novel.

Cyrrux and Inara dialogue strongly written and believable. Again the uniqueness of your concept to make memories currency is to be applauded. I can't wait to read on and see how this novel evolves.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

Khance Review: SF42

Originally I was getting a matrix vibe from the start of the chapter, I was thrown into the deep end and was confused momentarily. Mini monologue - Nice touch. Tenses seem to interchange as well as perspectives.
Nicely describes self inadvertently, "I'm strong but I'm also seventeen."

Seems rigid, the description are of things that are happening, not the process of them happening - almost matter of fact based storyline. What I mean by that is, I got the feeling that you were just stating things that were happening at each given time, instead of explaining the process of actions happening. "I've run into an alley and I've reached a dead end. By my calculations, I have one minute." It sounds very rigid and doesn't compliment the flow of the dialogue.

I find it difficult to visualise the scenes happening. The dialogue is well done. Vivid comparisons and great metaphors, 'crisp white card, a seeming piece of purity in a sea of filth'.

After the wake up part of the first chapter, after the initial prologue, the story becomes much more structured and easy to follow. Fantastic ideas and great creativity, I like the concepts and terminology that you're using. The history is very interesting.

The flow of the story gets better the more you read, however in an introductory chapter and a start for a reader, you've given a lot of information and it's quite a heavy amount. I have already forgotten about the X-Agency and the Extractors and I only read about them 4 minutes ago. I think that you've packed a lot of information, maybe even a little too much into the first chapter. It could possibly turn off certain readers that wouldn't have much patience to learn the terminology and appreciate the world you've created.

Overall, you write with a fast pace, Inara is a very interesting character, fun perspectives, but I felt that you placed too much on the reader, there was so much information in that chapter that I became unable to appreciate the scenes and situations because I was trying my hardest to grasp and retain all the different types of people, Extractors, X-Agency, Cognitives, Brennan, Max and the flashbacks with the mother. I thought it was well structered and a pretty good start. You certainly know your stuff.

Khance

Hey Bre, I'm just here for our read swap, sorry about the delay.
I've read two chapters so far, and I'm very impressed. The immediate action is very enticing and attention-grabbing. The currency of memories is a very interesting idea - though I do hope later on, you go into detail as to why exactly they are a currency. Your descriptions are wonderful, just enough to give the reader a good sense of the characters surroundings. I really like the switching points of view, as I frequently wonder - when I read a novel from a certain persons perspective - how other characters see that particular person. Seeing Inara through Cyrrux's eyes is very intriguing.
I do however, have a couple of questions and constructive thoughts for you. In chapter one, at one point, when Inara is thinking I believe, you start a sentence with 'Anyways'. The correct term is 'Anyway', no 's' is needed.
In chapter two, when Cyrrux is describing his apartment, he says one of his murals (I think) is a Japanese landscape? I'm not sure why, but I assumed this place was on a different planet or something. Unless you explain later on and I just haven't gotten to it yet, you never really provide a large scope view of what Inara's world is like. Is it Earth? In the future? I was a little confused, so you may want to try clarifying this for your readers. I also find that, when Inara and Cyrrux are speaking, they jump between extremely formal speech and word usage, to very casual, informal phrases ('I guess' and 'whatever'). While this isn't a big deal, I just thought it was a little strange, that their speech was so inconsistent.
One sentence in chapter two read 'And if it makes no never mind to you...' I was wondering if that was a typo? My last question is, at the very end of chapter two, Cyrrux says, "I'd urge you to reconsider, Inara." I don't remember Inara ever introducing herself. Again, you may explain this later or maybe I just missed something, but I was wondering how he knew her name.
I hope you found my review helpful and can find something of use in all my ramblings. I did thoroughly enjoy the start to this book, I think it has huge potential. I'll be back to read more soon, and I'll be sure to comment further with any other thoughts or questions I have.

- Hogarth Hughes

Loved the action packed fast pace of your book, it is excellently written and absorbing, highly stared and on my W/L Karen Bates Faking it in France.

Good, fast-paced dense writing. You've given the writing a young urban edge that is quite refreshing. I was drawn into the narrative very quickly. Good use of flashback and inner thought. LIke it. A lot. On the watch list for full reading later.

One observation. I think you should add the Huxley quote to Chapter One. It was frustrating to open a section to only find the quote. A casual reader might not have gone further. Small point, but it was a faltering first step for me.

Cas

Hey I noticed the changes you made to the last chapter so far! It really helps the audience understand why he is pulling back (because they work together and such) rather than him just pulling back blindly!

I look forward to reading more!

Fascinating premise with echoes of "The Matrix" and "Strange Days". This chapter Inara has depth and complexity that is quite refreshing. I am a fan of this writing. I will continue to read and review on.--JL "The Devil Of Black Bayou"

I love this story! I didn't have time to read it all, but I will be back. Great idea. Wonderful dialogue. Familiar and yet new. High stars!

Drew
"The Eyes of Tokorel"

I really loved the dialoge, which takes a certain kind of talent, and I think you have it.
As far as editing, I don't do a whole lot of it, other comment than if I liked the writing or if I didn't, and I loved this.
The banter between Cyrrux and Inara was splendid.
I disagree with the comment below, I found little or no coarse language.
I gave it the highest rating.
I hope you post the remainder, as I'm dying to see what happens.

Morgan H.

I really loved the dialoge, which takes a certain kind of talent, and I think you have it.
As far as editing, I don't do a whole lot of it, other than if I liked the writing or if I didn't.
The banter between Cyrrux and Inara was splendid.
I disagree with the comment below, I found little or no coarse language.
I gave it the highest rating.

Thrilling beginning. I enjoy action right off in a book like this. The energy of this is so real in the dream that it makes the reader's pulse quicken. It has such a thrill to it.
The one this I didn't care for was all of the swearwords.
Other than that I think you write very well and have a good idea for a book here.
You have a good talent.
Grand work!

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

P.S. Please take a look at my pirate adventure Driving Winds.

Memoria reminded me of the first Matrix but this is more explosive. You kicked off with the chase and the chasers (Extractors). That scene resurrected memories when I was in law enforcement and chasing criminals with numerous colleagues that supported on foot, patrol cars and helicopters.

Then you explained what the Memoria about. That was when I made connection with the Matrix.

So far I read chapter one but I'll be back for more. This book gonna be a sell out
Maximum stars

Hi Bre,

Yarg review

I came across your request for reads shortly after you joined and have finally got round to checking out your opening chapters.

You've got some great ideas here. I love this new society you've crafted. The memory trading idea is interesting though I have seen it done before in the movie Strange Days http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114558/ which is a great movie you should check out.

I only had two problems with the section I read. First was that sometimes your characters' reactions to things seemed unnatural.
Specifically in the second chapter when Inara is refusing the help offered. She spends a lot of time saying how difficult life is and doesn't really present any reason to not accept the help. After all she's already taken the biggest step and trusted the guy enough to come to see him it felt to me like there was no reason to then refuse help if it meant she could save her people's lives. She also doesn't seem to consider the fact that going to see him at all could have been a trap in order to infiltrate her people etc. I think you need to balance these factors more carefully.

The other thing was that, though the prologue grabs and hurls us through a nice stretch of action, chapter one is pure backstory and extrapolation. You have two flashbacks and a large section describing the state of society without any dialogue, action or even a description of her day to day life. Personally I would have used this chapter to set up a few things:

-Why she decides to go to see the extractor guy. - going as deep as possible into the psychological dilemma she is facing.
-what her day to day life is like - which can help to introduce other important characters and also show the society they are living in without spelling it out too directly to the reader.
-description of her surroundings so that we can picture her lifestyle and thus get a better idea about her personality.
-have the flashback to her brother's death which you can use as her prime motivation and also tie it into her feelings towards meeting Cyrrux, the extractor.


Here are my close comments

your advice right now?” I hiss, incensed.
-incensed is stating the obvious when we already know the character hissed

“Damn,” I SAY, to no one in particular.
-again this is repeating information - like saying "hello," she greeted

nothing. Hey, I’m strong but I’m ONLY seventeen and
- a little clearer like this

pervasive black Extractor armor, Robocop-esque.
-if you're referencing Robocop it would suggest that the world the book takes place in is ours in the close future, as otherwise she'd be unlikely to know it. Is this correct?

Arrogant fools, I think, they DON'T THINK THEY need to dispatch a full unit for a single girl.

I crouch, ready to attack as he nears me…and then runs right PAST.
-avoids repetition of me

“I’m trying to help you for God’s sake. GO!”
- two sentences

So, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll hide.”
- commas

CH 1

with the millions of people that inhabit this overarching, superpower
-comma

remembrance of a first kiss, the sun on your skin on a warm SUMMER'S day,

She puts my childish hands to the bumpy scar on her NECK.
-add period
-you only put a comma before speech when it is being directly attributed - "Hello," he said. VS "Hello." He moved towards the door.

And I didn’t want them to follow me here because then they’d take me away from you, sweetheart.”
-comma (sorry to be picky!)
-always put a comma before the name of the person you're addressing

The more I learned the more I realized THAT NOBODY really knows who they are any more.
-helps simplify sentence

Paragraph beginning - The more I learned the more I realized that the result is that nobody really knows who they are anymore.
-this paragraph felt too much like telling. Could you have this information come out more naturally -through dialogue or a piece of action?

He was only nine and wasn’t aware of the consequences his response would CAUSE.
-less formal

The horridness of this reality, the fact that Max would never get justice,
-horridness is rather a babyish word. better TRAGEDY, INJUSTICE, HORROR ???

the boy’s blood spreading onto his father’s shirt, blossoming like a warning.
-referring to her brother as "the boy" and saying "his father" is impersonal and unnatural

CH 2

Lowering her hand she extends it to me instead.
-period

I saved your life little girl. You should be thanking me, not QUESTIONING me.
-she hasn't reprimanded him, just asked him a question

And thank you for the offer but we’ve gotten along pretty well so far on our own.”
-she says this just after describing how terribly her people are treated, seems a contradiction

trying to HOLD on to the past in an era
-grasp sounded strange

“You’re serious?” I say just to make sure.
question mark as he's making sure??

You must not understand the magnitude of what I’m saying HERE. YOUR people will be wiped out!
-deleted short section as it was basically a repetition of what he then says.

if it makes no never mind to you
- I didn't understand this, is it a phrase?

“Do not presume to know me or what I’d be willing to sacrifice, little girl,”
-first comma


Of course, these are all just my personal opinions and I understand if you don't agree.
I hope they are useful and would really appreciate it if you could return the read some time.

best wishes

Benedict

Hi Bre, I don't read much SciFi but my goodness, this is excellent stuff. What an inspired idea behind your book. The writing is very polished - the only tiny things I noticed were a couple of missing commas and a couple of slightly clunky sentences,, but what stands out is the plot. It's pacy, very creative and it's skillfully delivered. From the first page I wanted to read on. I really love this idea of selling your memories but then risking taking away what makes you the person you are as you do so. You have created a very believable world in Memoria and the fact that you haven't spent a lot of time describing it means the reader can create their own idea of how it would look. I don't know if that was done on purpose, but for me.

Very highly starred and I will find shelf space very soon.

All the best
Melanie
La Vie en Rosé

This has the potential of being an amazing book. I can see it in the rich and deeply layered world that you've made, which had some similarities in places to Majority Report and (a little bit) to Blade Runner. Both happen to be personal favorite movies of mine. The first person style has always been a personal favorite of mine in terms of writing styles, and works very well here getting in the head of Inara. The flow of the text could be improved a bit, but the frame is there for some immense brilliance.

Hope you enjoy mine!

Brian

Hello

I'm not normally a fan of present tense but it worked well here. It had touches of dark fantasy at first which is becoming all the rage at the moment but I soon realised it was more true to the traditional SF genre. I did think of Dune at one point. I like the idea of memories for currency and your prose is good. I am an avid fan of similes (which I write to death, but that's my own preference).
The only thing I would change and this is not intended as a suggestion, it's just my own preference, I would have liked more description of the world of Memoria which is intriguing.

A good rating and my best wishes.

Maria

One of the greatest difficulties about creating an alternate world, or one in which key elements are different from ours (like your book) is making that realm believable and, what is more, relate-able. The greatest risk is disconnection from the reader. But already, upon just reading the first chapter, your writing is compelling and fast-paced. I could feel myself being interested in the characters and wanting to know more. As Grace_Gallagher pointed out, there were a few sentences that could possibly have been simplified to make it easier to read, but in no way did that detract discernibly from the story.

B.N.,
The unlikely alliance between two enemies Inara and Cyrrux creates a dynamic swinging between love and hate whenever they are together. Strangely enough, one gets a whiff of romance just around the corner. I was gripped by the story starting off at a brisk pace in the present tense with the first person POV giving me a sense of being in the middle of the action. The switching of POV's between Inara and Cyrrux worked very well, the changing perspectives giving the story extra clarity. Two nits I might bring up are "pickpocket" as a verb working better as 2 words, say, to pick so-and-so's pocket; also "kink in the armor" might work better as "chink in the armor.": Overall a delightful read. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Nice opening chapter- you create a believable, sinister world. The narrator is interesting and likable. I like how you introduce info gradually, so it doesn't feel like an info-dump. The only place I felt like I was being fed info was the line '..hiding from the Nihil..' That felt slightly forced, maybe you could introduce the info more subtly like you do with the rest?

You do a really good job of creating a world. I felt immersed in it right away, I like the self-awarness in the 'mini monalogue' line - sort of braking the 4th wall.

Some of the lines could be tighter. The 'by my calculations' line for example: 'I have one minute before' would be enough - the 'certainly no more' bit doesn't add anything.

Overall, it's very exciting and pulls me in.

cheers,
GG x

I can't add much to what has already been said, except that I am amazed that someone so young can write so brilliantly. There are some very clever ideas here and a wonderful atmosphere of stark realism. It deserves many stars and I will put it on my watchlist for now. Good luck.

I have just reading a chapter now and I love what i read. I would read all. but i have given you six outstanding.

A very exciting and fast past faced opening chapter, finished off with enough intrigue to make me read on. You introduce a really interesting idea and create a fascinating future world. This story is right up my street, I could see it making a very good film! A great main character with real depth and attitude, I loved her! I'm keeping this on my WL to read more and definitely a place on my shelf very soon. A great book! Maximum stars!
Best of luck
Rachael
Dreamscape

Hey Bre!

So I just got the chance to read your latest chapter and I very much enjoyed it, especially the visual details of the kiss (can't help it I'm a romantic). Ultimately I think it was a good way to introduce her singing voice, and I really liked that it was from Cyrrux's point of view, it adds a little more to how the outside world sees her.

There was only one thing that caught me a little off guard that I didn't understand. Why at the end does he pull back into himself and try to downplay such an amazing kiss? Is it simply to not wake Plum (adorable by the way) or is he really fighting his feelings for her. I would like to know more about this.

Other than that I loved it!

Bethany
Shadow's Breath

Hello,

Just finished the first two chapters and I definitely think this one is interesting! There's a lot of allegory (Nihil, Cogs) and your main character is executed very well. Definitely a Matrix sort of feel to it mixed with 1984 (with a female protagonist). Definitely promising. Will keep you updated as I read more.

YARG
There are lots of utterly fantastic ideas here. Not only that, but they are brilliantly executed. I particularly like the scene between the Mum and son about her 'brain chip' being removed, it was very moving.
The jargon of this world is brilliant - words like "Extractor", "Cogs", "PreMem" and "Originals", all these terms play on two or more meanings and they are easily remembered too, I didn't have to keep refering back to try to remember what they were.
I love the title and would have to agree that the cover lets you down a little. Both pitches are excellent - and it's not everyday I say that!!
Some lovely turns of phrase. "I had conjured her with my annoyance" is wonderful, "thank you because I was so ardently searching for a compliment from you" gives us some lovely character insight in just one sentence. Also "she looks like a monochromatic portrait" and "nostalgia is a form of denial, denial of the painful present"... those were all from chp 2, I could go on, but you get my drift!
Sharda.
P.S. Forgot to say that's 6 stars from me and I'm very curious as to what you make of my contribution to the reading swap...
http://www.authonomy.com/books/42835/mr-unusually-s-circus-of-dreams/

{Memoria} Prologue

B. N. Randall,

Every once in a while on this site I stumble across a simply awsome, vivid, fantasic work. You, my friend, have something great here, and I am extremely happy to have found it.

Cover: I'm not honestly sure about the cover. I think that there's got to be something better out there and I'm sure you'll find it. I recommend Bradly Wind, on Authonomy. He did mine for The Ark of Humanity and will do a digital cover for you to use on the site for free. The cover didn't pull me in right away, but once I arrived here I was rapt in your work!

Pitches: Your pitches were right on! Once I read them I knew I wanted to get right in to Memoria! I also really like the title by the way!

Prologue: You'll discover quickly that I read one chapter at a time of a book and comment on each chapter as I read. You have a fantastic opening here and I was highly impressed by your descriptions, which allowed me to vividly picture your world and your heroine! She is clearly well thought out and I love the darkness and grit to the world you've created here! I was also intrigued by the way the Extractor helped her and really liked the way the crisp white card contrasted with the "sea of filth." I'm going to read atleast one more chapter today and comment on it and am looking forward to doing a full read of your work in the month or so to come!

Thank you so much for uploading this for us to enjoy! From what I've read so far, this is a very publishable work, and I'm excited to read onward!

Watchlisted for now and rated 6 out of 6 stars!

Have a wonderful day!

- Scott, The Ark of Humanity

P.s. Thank you so much as well for your read of my work and for you support as it makes its way toward the top 5!

Hi Bre!
Yes, I finally got around to our read swap.
Pitch: First off, what a fresh and new idea. It is intriguing and makes you want to dig right in.

Prologue: Great style here. It sucks you into the pov of the girl. And the end leaves you hanging. But I have one question.... More later.

Chapter 1: Your writing seems natural and not forced. The story of memories being sold to buy stuff is cool, and then how people blank out when asked about something where a memory has been sold. Prized memories are valued higher. It makes the reader wonder about how these memories are extracted and the uses thereof.

The main problem I had was the information dump. You explain the 'memories as currency' aspect as well as the speaker's mother. There's a thread on here called "If I were an agent I'd stop reading..." where you get feedback on your opening chapter. The biggest tip I've picked up is that you must 'show and not tell'. Blah, blah, blah, right? Show these robocop guys extracting a memory from some hobo in the street or have her overhear someone talking about their disdain for the whole process. Maybe she could chat with her mother and you could show her not remembering it.

Having Inara wake up and then spontaneously think of all these things could bog down the reader. Maybe? What do I know, anyways... ;)

Then your prologue. Is this Inara? If it happened the previous day why is it a prologue and not just chapter one. The prologue indicates a big jump in time or acts as a preface. ...

Just my mad ramblings. I'm slightly overworked and might therefore be slightly cray-cray...

I enjoyed it. I wanted to read more. So, you have succeeded in pulling me along.
Starred.
Good luck!
Miichelle

Okay honestly so far I cannot wait to read the rest of this! It's very compelling and I love that. There are moments when I think that the romance is moving a little fast but overall it is such a great concept and idea I honestly read all 12 chapters in one sitting... yes I am that girl. When I like a book I don't put it down until I've finished it. The fact that I currently cannot finish this is killing me! Please hurry and put up the rest of it soon!

Read this on a read swap , have to say great read. The writing style is fluid and the story feels like it's well thought out. high rating.

Hi,
Read the first few chapters as promised and I was really impressed. I haven't read much of this type of story before but after a few paragraphs I was really taken by the concept of trading memories. I really liked the Inara chapter; you give some great details to her to make her a rounded character. I too was taken with the description of her brother's death. I also like the way you launch into the story with action - that's how I like to write too! Will certainly read some more!
Nicky

*BHCG review*

Hi Breanne, I stumbled across your novel when I was searching for my newest victim on the BHCG thread. I took some notes down as I read, and I finished at chapter 5. Most of my notes are from chapters 4 and 5 however, since I couldn't find much to fault with the previous ones and I sort of forgot to take notes.

Plot - Incredible. I've never heard an idea like this before, and your pitch was perfect. Just enough information to lure the reader in.

Pacing - it starts off with immediate action, and doing that almost always intrigues the reader. As I read through the chapters, I was able to glean more information about their dystopic society. It's incredible interesting, and through the conversations between the characters I understood more and more about their civilization. Paced very well.

Charaterization - Something I don't like when any writer does is give their MC's black hair, pale skin, and blue eyes. Have black hair, a fair complexion, and blue eyes is incredibly rare, first off, and second, it's incredibly overdone. I always have to resist the urge to roll my eyes when writers make their characters that way. But that is just my opinion. Moving on: your MC has a unique voice, but I wonder if perhaps she seems a bit too mature for a girl of seventeen. And then I think, well, she's a rebel and possibly had to grow up quickly to be able to adapt and survive. The description of her mother was excellent, as was the rest of the supporting cast.

Style - you give a good balance of information about their society and action. 10/10

Sentence level - I could find no really big faults, but I did notice, and especially in chapters 4 and 5, an awful lot of missing commas, but only in the dialogue portions. Some unneeded phrases I'll address at the end in my specific notes.

Dialogue - was great, but again, I couldn't help but wonder if Inara spoke a bit too maturely for her age, though I suspect it's because she simply IS that mature. I liked the meeting between Inara and Cyrrux; seeing them butt heads was entertaining.

Originiality - I have never read anything like this before. I think that says it all.

Publishability - for the most part, it is extremely well edited. I don't know if you did it yourself, but if you did, great work. I could see this being published, though I'm not sure what category it would fall in -- science fiction? I'm not really an avid reader of things like this, so I can't say for certain.

Specific Notes -- when I was reading Chapter 4, and in Cyrrux's head, I noticed unneeded phrases. He was thinking of his role in their society or something, and before he speaks, you wrote 'drawing my attention back to present day, I spoke". I think you could eliminate that phrase and simply have him speak. It sort of drew me out of the narrative for a second. Also you got a little bit redundant in that conversation. Cyrrux stated at least three times that he was 'betting it wouldn't be good'. I think one time would suffice.

Typo - "....we can exist without doing illegal things..." I believe you meant can't

One line I loved: "her words were laced with ice, and if she could, I'm pretty sure she'd have shot the shards at my eyeballs." I love little things like that, they let the reader know more about the character's personality.

I would have liked to know more about the apartment Cyrrux occupies; you stated that he wanted for nothing, and I would have liked to know more about the grandeur of his living space aside from the fact that he had a silver couch (which was odd, as I have never in my life seen one of those)

In Chapter 5, I felt it sort of slowed the narrative down to have Inara re-play the meeting with Cyrrux in her mind, but I do realize why it was there.

I noticed a lot of "I might add"'s in Inara's voice. Two were spaced closely together in the fifth chapter. I'd cut one out.

When the character raises an eyebrow, we know she is probably expressing disbelief -- you don't really need to spell it out for us by tacking that unneeded phrase onto the end of the sentence.

And again, missing commas in the dialogue portions of Chapter 5.

Overall I did enjoy the read. I will gladly make room for you on my shelf, and I truly wish you all the best with this.

Melissa

Came as a recommendation to me, after reading I see why. Starred and backed.