honour

"... if anyone slays a human being-unless it be in punishment for murder or for spreading corruption on earth-it shall be as though he had slain all mankind; whereas, if anyone saves a life, it shall be as though he had saved the lives of all mankind."

Qu'ran, 5:32

Wow. I'm really impressed because Neal Stephenson's "Snow Crash" reminds me so much of your "Honour"! WOW! And your pitch--that's really something I don't run across every day. A good one, that is.

Snow Crash was published in 1992. Maybe you've heard of it?

Ah, you've been editing (or at least have done some since I last read it). When I think back to the early ms I read on here, way back when, and compare that - and subsequent versions - to what is here now, I am totally impressed. A salutary example for any writer of the power of editing to transform a good story into a great story. You have worked so hard on this... it shows... and yes, it does deserve to be in print. :)

Really liked the opening,nice pace, sharp observation and plenty of intrigue.

Best Wishes

Richard

Congratulations, Freddie, on reaching the Desk! If you edit again, here are some impressions. I like the way you jump right into the action and sketch the background as you go. In general, characters come alive through their thoughts and behavior, so avoid author intrusion. Be more economical in your use of words. For instance, change "she's hearing his breathing" to "she hears his breathing" (Chapter 1). You don't need "close" in "The soggy clothes clung close to his skin" (Chapter 10). CarolinaAl has given good advice on style. And you might consider starting in the past tense, which works well farther on.

I'll be back in a few days to see how it's going. Meanwhile, could you take a look at "The Doctor of Summitville," set in an American farm town around 1930--an edgy, realistic love story involving medicine as practiced at that time. --Best of luck, Bill

Hi Freddie,

I popped over for a peek at your book, but realised as soon as I got here I've read and backed it ages ago. Oh well, since I'm here anyway I'll leave a few thoughts. :)

Dramatic, punchy prose from the offing make this a fast-paced and accessable read. You really manage to flesh out Rania and Faraz's characters in no time. the sibling rivalry between them jumps off the page. We soon get hints there's a darker side to their interactions, though. A whiff of exremism from Faraz. Ominous.

I feel so sorry for Rania, caught between 2 worlds, little knowing how precarious her position is. She soon finds out, though, and in the most horrible way possible. From her own brother. :(

Wow. I'd forgotten just how powerful and shocking this story was. I'd back it again in an instant if you were still racing for the desk. ;)

I do hope you've since managed to get a publisher/agent. In the light of certain reported tragedies, I think this is a story that really resonates with the modern world.

My fingers are crossed for your success :)

Pete

i read the first entries of your piece "be", wonderful, well written.. so well written one doesn't have to discuss the merits of the writing but can focus on the content of the story. mid western boys need to know why islamic boys do what they do and why, your piece helps much. what more it helps western boys to see they too are subject to inner and outer forces that can and will shape their behaviors in ways they never dreamed of. i suspect this piece is destined to be read by many, at least i hope it is. if you have a chance i would appreciate if you gave my piece here, "ghost dance", a look. going from modern england to not so modern wisconsin may interest you.

Amazing. Question. I've read first four chapters. I really liked your opening but does she die. Argh. I wanted to hear more about her. But fantastic book. Well done :-)

This is a most outstanding work: the story is very exciting; it would be a great page-turner if there were any pages to turn. the insights into Islamic fundamentalism and the problems faced by Muslims in modern Britain are also very interesting. I suspect that the reason it has not been published is that it would be too politically sensitive.

By the way; is this really supposed to be a complete manuscript? I think that the story has a long way to go, and I do not seem to be able to access chapter 24.

Lynne Ellison

The Green Bronze Mirror

I read your first chapter.

General comments: An intense start to what appears to be an intriguing story. Memorable characters. Good ambiance. Good tension. Captivating pacing.

Specific comments on chapter one:
1) 'Sitting down at the kitchen table Rania switches on her laptop.' Comma after 'table.' Offset introductory phrases with a comma.
2) 'She feels like she's flying' is telling. Consider showing this.
3) "It's eight PM in California." 'Eight PM" should be 'eight p.m.'
4) 'She pushes back, incensed.' 'Incensed' is telling. Consider showing this.
5) Capitalize 'internet.'
6) Consider reducing the nuber of exclamation marks by half. Overusing them diminishes their effectiveness.
7) 'Like verbal mothballs.' Good similie. Fresh. Clever. Effective.
8) 'Like the touch of a butterfly's wing' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea, but in fresh way.
9) 'A strangulated, half-broken voice..' Remove one of the periods.
10) 'Like the strike of a buzzard's beak.' Good similie.
11) Good end of chapter hook.

I hope this critique helps you further polish your all important first chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

I am polishing the first four chapters of "Savannah Passion" for a possible read by Harper Collins at the end of this month. Would you consider reading the second chapter before the end of the month and letting me know how I might improve it?

Have a spectacular day.

Happy holidays.

Al

Only went through the first chapter. Very contemporary language and scene. Rivetting writing that spurs one on. I have rated your book. Would you kindly return the favour? Will place on shelf as soon as space is available.

Kirkstall Road, Leeds- that's near my house!!

I wasn't particularly drawn in by the pitch but your first chapter totally gipped me. You write VERY well and your characterisations are great. I found the shift of focus quite disconcerting, I was totally investing in Raina and suddenly she's being stabbed and it's somebody else's story after all! Not sure if the sudden shift is a bad thing- if no one else has mentioned it then it's probably fine, but for me it was Raina I was interested in. But I guess it's not her story! I haven't got any helpful grammar notes, I think t's all very well written and highly informed. I wish you well.
Karen

Backed. Saffina.

http://saffinadesforges.wordpress.com

Freddie, I don't really know where to start in telling you how great I think this book is, a book I read to the end in one sitting. Stylistically brilliant, full of vitality and biting reality. Your characters are fascinating, conflicted, all on the edge of despair and violence. The interweaving of plots, the handling of different ethnic and social voices are masterful. I was riveted. I haven't been as impressed with any writing since Philip Roth.

Moreover, you have a book that is important, a story people want to read.

Just as the 19th century's major conflict was industrialism, and the 20th century's was democracy over fascism and communism, so the struggle of the 21st century will be over Islamic fundamentalism. This is a subject writers need to write about. There is a large market for this. When I first put up my book "Amsterdam 2012" on Kindle (a book that also deals with this topic), there was huge buzz about it--I sold thousands of copies within days. People want to know about this. Your book is a better book than mine, more character driven, more realistic.

HC's suggestion for slightly more character development for your main characters is valid, and some of the religious dialog/arguments are too on the nose. But get this book out there now. This is not just an "issue novel". It is a good novel. It is too good to sit on.

This is excellent. The opening chapter is powerful, the difference between reading in the local press that such a thing has happened in the community and being with Rania as it does, and so well set up by the mix of affection, annoyance and confusion in their scene.

The style is quite strong, the narration almost too obvious, but I couldn't imagine it written any other way. It works for the most part although I did find it a bit too much when you stepped back too far, eg to call Azeem and Shirin 'the lovers'. Perhaps this has to do with HC editor's comment about the characters, maybe you are a bit too far outside them.

Anyway, have come back to read more and will carry on. If I had this as a book it would be finished in a jiffy. Good luck with it.

I was astonished by the power of this - absolutely top-class writing.
Backed with envy.
RT

Hi Freddie,
I read chapters one and two and would certainly have read on had I time, or if I was holding a book rather than a laptop. To be honest, I'm loving it. Azeem is very interesting and his relationship with Shirin is developing well. I liked the little background everyday 'normal' life touches, such as the Marmite and glossy mags. Jade carvings made me picture them as a well off couple.
The fact that she has friends on the internet made me think she was lonely, furtive and possibly fed up with her husband, but in chapter two I realised she loves him dearly, despite his awkwardness.
His inner dialogue seems the biggest clue to his 'character', but having read the pitch, I know that some of his thinking on Islamic reform and the teachings of the Qu'ran changes. I wondered how come he'd been in an Afghani training camp, but figure you explain that later.
The depiction of Ghazan makes him a very likely suspect for the honour killing. Azeem is clearly unsettled and highly suspicious of him.
The murder is very well-done. The fact that she recovers from the first assault and then sees her own brother, and watches as he stabs her to death, really brought out the horror.
Very good writing. Like I said, I'm loving it. I hope it gets published. How did you feel about the HC comment?
Sorry about the delay and I'm glad you nudged me.
Best wishes,
Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

Honour is deep, relevent, rich with action an very well written. The plot is well structured to pull the reader in and the nicely paced scene building, the change of settings and infusion of cross-cultural conflicts providing a rewarding experience. I'd buy it.

From what I've read so far, this promises to be a good, introspective piece! I like a lot of the ideas that the description promotes, issues of deciding between personal and communal beliefs, and the style is easy to follow. Will be back for more later!

Best Wishes,
Ian Kraft

This first rollercoaster of a chapter, left me in a rage. I'm surprised and shocked by the depth of feeling it evoked in me. I wanted to step into the book and stop those boys from hurting Rania.
Especially Faraz, her brother. It is true, hate begets hate.
I forgot that I was reading, which only the best writing can do.
Karien - A Bird in a Pram

"... if anyone slays a human being-unless it be in punishment for murder or for spreading corruption on earth-it shall be as though he had slain all mankind; whereas, if anyone saves a life, it shall be as though he had saved the lives of all mankind."

Qu'ran, 5:32

HONOUR
I didn’t realize this book had a star until I started to write a comment and noticed the HC notes. I was surprised by the comment that the characters needed fleshed out more. I used to work for an agent evaluating what screenplays submitted to her were worth her time to read – and I would have recommened this. I found the first person present style a clever play to get inside character’s heads and let a reader feel as if he really knows them. So who knows? Either way, I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Very well written with an amazing eye for detail. I was a little thrown off at "Lets go" until I realized you meant she was letting go of his hand. The voice is great and their a heavy vibe to it. Some of your comma splices aren't working for me, but overall you have the makings of a good story there, providing conflict for the reader from the get-go. You have your star but I back this because I back any book I enjoy, and comment because who doesn't like comments? I hope you are doing well in whatever direction you have gone with this book since making ed-desk.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I didn't realize this book had a gold star until I scrolled down to write a comment. I realize that means you don't need any more comments at this point, but I did read this so I'm going to leave a comment. I think the feature of this is your writing style (I see the Harper/Collins editor wasn't impressed with that, but I am). It's clear and always pushes your story forward. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I'm aware you have the star and don't need the backing, but as I believe backings should also be about supporting great work then I want to lend my support to what is, without doubt, from what I have read a quite remarkable piece of writing. Very controversial but very entertaining with a punchy but accessible prose style.
Great stuff.
Carl
The Time Hunters

I can see how this made it to the top.
I'm sure you're neck deep in revision by now, but I want to let you know that the book is still being read and appreciated.
I'm going to put it on my shelf because I believe it's not about the backing, but rather the recommendation.

Good work, and good luck.

Wendy Bertsch
(Once More...From The Beginning)

The chase scene in the first chapter is incredibly well done. And the horrific realization that her brother was part of it was chilling. An then he stabbed her. Wow.... This is a gripping read. Backed, even though you don't need it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH

Freddie,

Chilling first chapter. You successfully set up Rania as a typical teenage girl with the wants, needs, and general baggage becoming of a person of that age before savagely stripping it all away by an unstable brother with a lethal ideology. Absolutely chilling!

Powerful stuff, man. A most effective thriller. Backed.

All the best,
Nit

FC, I've looked at the first two chapters. Your writing flows, and I'm happy to back this book. I like some of your expressions like, [and the walls shudder, as if the house were stretching itself awake]. Couldn't find any glaring errors.

Looking forward to your review of "The Silver Spoon Effect."

Freddie, I was only able to read the first chapter because I'm really backed up with reads. What a huge contrast between the very beginning and the part where Rania is chased. The beginning took off a bit sow for me, but WOW, when that chase began I can't imagine anything more suspenseful. You did a bang-up job on that. Then, when she is caught and sees one of the assailants is her brother, I'm blown away. Next he takes out a knife and starts stabbing her...Geez, what can I say. I'm not a thriller type guy, but this was terrific. Only nits; "soulmate" should be two words; and I think I'd shorten the beginning and a few of the very long sentences. Super job! Backed.
Thomas J Winton
Beyond Nostalgia

Freddie, I was only able to read the first chapter because I'm really backed up with reads. What a huge contrast between the very beginning and the part where Rania is chased. The beginning took off a bit sow for me, but WOW, when that chase began I can't imagine anything more suspenseful. You did a bang-up job on that. Then, when she is caught and sees one of the assailants is her brother, I'm blown away. Next he takes out a knife and starts stabbing her...Geez, what can I say. I'm not a thriller type guy, but this was terrific. Only nits; "soulmate" should be two words; and I think I'd shorten the beginning and a few of the very long sentences. Super job! Backed.
Thomas J Winton
Beyond Nostalgia

Hi Freddie - boy I think this is a good review, man. I hope you agree and consider the suggestions. I know I did with mine and I'm very happy with the outcome. This notion of "characters before issues" is something fairly easily addressed, I would think, especially by a fellow with your talent.

Read a bit more and still riveted. I almost feel sorry for Faraz!
How did 'The Desk' go?
Helen (The Girl With No Shadow)

Backed Honour with, well, honour!!! What a read! Chapter One is brilliant, and compelling. I couldn't stop reading!

Good Luck on the Desk!

Claire

A gripping read, totally engrossed. The shock in the first chapter, subtle yet powerful of the fact he was filming on his mobile and even more of a shock that her brother was trying to kill her. The ' dirty cobble in Leeds' give it a seedy touch. The brutality of the mujahid in the hospital scene is all the more shocking as she is unconscious. Found it hard to put down. Backed
Chrisitna
From Under the Bed

Freddie:

Wow, what a commanding opening. You do a great job at shifting so fast from an innocent, carefree world to one so violent and primal. I'd say I'd be glad to get this to the editor's desk, but clearly you didn't need my help. Nice work.

Kevin
Head Games

A note to the Reader:

Victims of honour killings are killed to be forgotten, which is one reason more to remember them.

Nowhere advocated in the Qur'an, honour killing oppresses Muslims—it is an obscenity, and dishonours everyone in whose name it is done.

Freddie, you have here a thrilling, well-researched and topical premise for a book but, alas, the execution is flawed in many places.

Firstly, there's a problem with continuity. A couple of examples: In Ch.5 we have Faraz remembering being enraged when his sister (apparently in Ch.1) "smiled over her shoulder with that dismissive immodest wave" -- a piece of action that doesn't take place in the text. Then, again in Ch.5, we have the mother's remembrance of Faraz bursting into the bedroom and demanding to know where his sister is going "dressed like a tart". Since, in Ch.1, Faraz leaves the house while Rania is still in her dressing-gown, he could not have known how she was dressed and the scene could not have taken place.

There are lapses of logic in Ch.1 that adversely affect the suspension of disbelief. It is 4.00 am and still dark, yet Faraz is indoors wearing wrap-around shades. Rania leaves for school well before 6.00 am. (I know you want deserted streets for the attack, but all the same .....!) Rania's flashbacks include a memory of "that slap". What slap? It hasn't been mentioned before.

A tiny niggle: There was a tendency to over-use favourite words -- "yowling" appears twice; "vulpine" (fox-like) and "wolfish" apply to the same character and appear three times in the same chapter.

Although I appreciated the drama of Ch.1, I could see the rivets where you'd plated on the tension; where you were trying too hard. It detracts from the drama. In places, over-writing and inconsequential detail slow up the action: "She redoubles her speed, eyes pixilated in tears and panic, as fast as she can, running along in a blur". The image of pixilated eyes is a good one, but the time it takes the reader to consider this image slows up the speed and allows Rania's pursuers to gain on her. "She's broken three of her nails ..." The girl has been clubbed almost to the point of death, her skull's fractured, she's lying in a pool of blood and she's just about to have her throat cut ..... The broken nails a detail too far, I would suggest. "The one in the vanguard shouting out like a yowling zealot in a strangulated half-broken voice..." If nothing else, do drop the "yowling" as in the next chapter you have a yowling cat, and keep it simple. Simple = stronger. I'd go for: "... the one in front screaming 'Beauty is for the worms!' " The horror of this attack requires stark, brutal writing -- not florid description, nor stream-of-(barely)-consciousness thoughts. It needs blood and the splintering crunch of bat on bone.

I read five chapters and was pleased to see that from Ch.2 onwards, the story settled into a more natural rhythm and flowed more smoothly, and allowed me to better enjoy the vigour of your writing and the thrust of the story (although I didn't connect with it on a personal level as I did with Last Day of a Suicide Bomber).

Freddie, my review is given with honesty and in the hope you can tweak your ms to make it even stronger, although I appreciate it is bound to disappoint you. But you can always take comfort from 600+ glowing Comments -- and, of course, your gold star! Well done on that, and good luck with Honour in the future.

I was dubious at first because I'm usually not interested in books with religious themes--but this is entertaining and I appreciate the somehow tongue in cheek moments of humor!

This is really good! Well-written, balanced, exciting and such a page turner. I've read it until my eyes had to tell me to break off, but I'll have to come back to read all of it. It would make a good movie.

Definitely backed!
Kerstin

A controversial theme as you say, and genuinely frigthening description of Rania's ordeal and stabbing. Overall this is very well written, pacy, with good and convincing descriptions. Personally, I'm not a massive fan of first person prose, however this works well to emphasise Rania's ordeal. My only minor point would be that I don't see the need for the * to separate out the scene in chapter 1. For me, it doesn't add anything. That said, this is really good, so backed. Miles.

A controversial theme as you say, and genuinely frigthening description of Rania's ordeal and stabbing. Overall this is very well written, pacy, with good and convincing descriptions. Personally, I'm not a massive fan of first person prose, however this works well to emphasise Rania's ordeal. My only minor point would be that I don't see the need for the * to separate out the scene in chapter 1. For me, it doesn't add anything. That said, this is really good, so backed. Miles.

CONGRATS! Sorry I didn't get a chance to read before the end of last month. Great read and good luck!!

W. J. Howard
The Courier

Hiya,
I have read the first fourteen chapters of 'Honour' (I haven't been able to access the fifteenth). I think your strength is in the quality of writing and how you handle the important issues this story brings up. Based on the pitch, 'Honour' wouldn't particularly appeal to me, but I get a completely different impression from reading what is currently posted. A compelling first chapter; based on the pitch I was expecting more action and less time to think - possibly the balance changes later, but I enjoyed the slower pace.

Here's what I noted down:

ch 1.
'...frantic springing footfalls drill cross the concrete pavement' - should 'cross' be across, or 'cross?
What is a 'yowling zealot' in 'shouting out like a yowling zealot'? - yowling and shouting both suggest the same thing to me - I think you could leave 'yowling' out altogether, particularly as it is used to describe a cat in the next chapter (unless that was intentional).

ch 2.
The expression 'floats unbidden' is quite a common one, while your writing style is more unique. To me 'floats' implies 'unbidden' anyway.
In the following sentence, the word 'whereby' didn't seem to fit in. '//They need to be scourged// - whereby Ghazan never specifies what he means by //sharply punished, scourged//.'

ch 3.
'Soon after[,] Ghazan gets the [video] clip on his phone.' The comma is necessary, and 'video' makes things a bit clearer. We know a video was taken, but it doesn't stick in the mind well enough that all readers would associate it with the 'clip' immediately.

ch 4.
'noneteen seventies' - Do you mean 'nineteen seventies'?

ch 5.
A few expressions/words which I didn't understand - I'm not sure whether this was intended: Baraderi, 7/7, Pashtuns
I get the impression they've just arrived at work - are they sitting down for sandwiches and coffee as breakfast?

The spelling 'druggy' was one I'd associate with 'drug-like' rather than 'a person who uses drugs' which I would spell as 'druggie'. I'm not sure what the British English convention is.

ch 6.
Dr Klinker's 'We must beware it doesn't push us in the wrong distance' left me wondering whether the use of the word 'distance' rather than 'direction' was intentional.
The following sentence needs either commas or dashes (as I've marked them): 'Wythenshawe's mistress [-] by no means an exclusively mercenary woman [-] is now torn between her anxiety...' I would also take 'shortly' out of this sentence or rephrase it somehow as it sounds awkward, e.g. '...might soon take it into his head to ask her to marry him'
This sentence could also use a couple of commas: 'And[,] much sooner than she would have liked[,] Rupert Wythenshawe is out of there.'
'jewllery' should be 'jewellery' (UK spelling - the US version would be 'jewelry').
'The Islamic Reform project brought them together, nothing else' - the 'nothing else' appears to refer to them, not to the project. You could rephrase this as something like 'The Islamic Reform project, nothing else, brought them together.'

ch 7.
'He'd turned back without having seen anything beyond a kebab shop.' Should 'beyond' be 'more than'? To me, 'beyond' suggests physically beyond in this context.
'Finally now, after another awkward hiatus...' - I wouldn't use 'hiatus' in this context. I know 'pause' is very commonly used but 'hiatus' sounds to me like they have stopped doing anything, whereas they are all still sitting there.

ch 8.
'He has left no stone unturned in his search for a cure.' Does Rania need a specifc 'cure' as such? They are not developing new drugs or techniques for her, are they?
I found it interesting that Azeem is trusted by everyone - yes, he's the one who brings up security with the police, but his claim of being trained in surveillance and unarmed combat might put people on guard... I know you say 'a constable has been round to check him out' - is he okay with them finding out he's been trained in the camps?

ch 9.
Unless I've misunderstood, 'Kirin Fukkoka beer' should be 'Kirin Fukuoka'.

ch 11.
'...Azeem's sleep is soon deranged by nightmares' - I am not sure nightmares can 'derange' sleep.
Perhaps I've completely missed something - are Amana and Shirin the same person? Was Amana introduced before this chapter?

The second half of the last sentence in ch. 12 seemed awkward to me.

ch 13.
'...white C1C2D's' - I do not know what that is - would most of your readers understand, and do you need the apostrophe? (It doesn't indicate possessive, and I don't think it indicates a missing letter...)
what is a 'tight satirical laugh'? I'm not sure if 'satire' is the best word to describe what he has just said.
'She was irritated by him' seemed unnecessary - I picked that up that Laetitia was irritated by Dave over the last few chapters.

ch 14.
'...that quality which irked Laetitia so in 'the Dave', echoing the same quality in her own husband.' 'Echoing' suggests to me that it is somehow learned from the husband - is that your intention?

In general your writing is evocative, seems well considered and is of a high standard. There might be a few places where editing could be beneficial but I am sure you or anyone you get to proofread will pick these up. The style of writing was one I haven't often come across and was quite readable, although I felt there were too many consecutive short sentences in some places. You deal better with multiple characters than most authors - some PoV, like Laetitia's and Rupert's, didn't interest me as much because I couldn't see the wider relevance at this stage, but others were fascinating.

I was particularly impressed by the way you have thus far handled the themes and expect that you continue to do so in the remainder of the book. Good luck with getting this published - I know nothing about the market but think you will do well.


All the best,
elf_friend

I like this a lot. It flows very well and I really like your short paragraphs. Your voice is very distinctive, also. Your writing made it very easy to read, and before I knew it i was through with the first chapter. That's very good for me.
Shelved.
j.

I wanted to read one chapter, I must carry on now. Very good, hooks you from the start. Flows and moves well. Original idea.

The strength of the writing was what did it for me from the off -- that first paragraph is excellent. But the ability to weave so many characters into a story while giving them all depth is a difficult thing to do but acheived here wonderfully. It's a brave take on a huge issue at the moment and deserves to be read. Well done. Tom

Congratulations, Freddie
Well done.

Betty K

6 hours left, Freddie! You can do it!!!

I don’t know how you’ve done this, Freddie, but the characters and situations seem so authentic. Maybe there’s some family connections, or you’ve immersed yourself in a similar community to the one you portray, but it doesn’t seem like library or newspaper research.

This is terrific writing. The central premise (contemporary events wrapped round an age-old theme) is inspired, and the plot gripping and chilling all at once. I love the narratorial voice, consistent for all the characters, however different their backgrounds. The style, with its short clipped sentences frequently lacking a finite verb, spot-on contemporary.

For me, your tackling this material is courageous, and sadly very rare.

Lots of nice touches too, the décor in the office being ‘intimidatingly casual’. I also learned a new word (vulpine). Thank you.

Already backed. Good luck with the review.

Pete

Hi Franki :)

Excellent read, well written and on top of the ED list -- great!

I read the synopsis and chapter one. You're there and that's not easy doing.

Dialogue and structure are finely crafted, excellent imagery in the narrative.

I backed it without hesitation.

Good luck,
Ted