The Oak Tower

The Oak Tower.

Unhurried prose, appropriate to the story and its panoramic approach to time, describes scenes that convey a fine balance of illusion and reality over a sub-text that titillates thought.

Backed.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

Fascinating, very clever use of the Ravens legend where they leave the tower in times of danger. Don't forget that gold does not tarnish in any way so when you describe it, mention the gleam or any light reflections. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Interesting so far! looking forward to reading more!

And thanks for the gold info - for some reason I was sure it wasn't a good conductor. Will re-do that bit to fit.

Hi,
and thanks for keeping me on watchlist. Oh yikes! Typos! Will go fix :-). And the seeing/hearing confusion, thank you for that.

Jenni is an only child and an orphan ... but would you have said she was, say, 14? She seems similar to Harry Potter at age 12 but as I don't have any 12-yr-olds around to watch it's a bit difficult. A friend's 9-yr-old seems quite similar to Jenni ... dhh! I s'pose kids is all different depending on their experience?

thanks again for your help,
Grym

Hi,

Thanks for friending me. Here's my critique of your first chapter.

It needs a good line edit. Here are the typos I noticed on my casual read through.

---

"pigs sweet breath" should be "pig's sweet breath"

"I is something big" should be "It is something big".

"The messages is bit is like ..." should be 'The messages bit is like ..."

"and how you tow had got" should be "and how you two had got"

---

Also, I would have liked an earlier indication of Jenni's age and when I found out she was twelve I was surprised at her maturity.

"Go on," she heard in her head.

When the sow was communicating with Jenni she started seeing the words in her head then with the preceding line she starts hearing the words. If this was a transition from the visual perhaps she should think about how its changed so people don't get confused like I did.

How did the golden torcs get dirty? At one point she rubs dirt off the torcs, but nowhere previously has it been indicated that they are dirty or that they might have become dirty.

Also, Gold is quite a good conductor of electricity. Not as good as copper, but a lot better than some other metals. Here's a wikipedia reference on the physical properties of Gold (i.e. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gold#Characteristics). I mention this because I recently wrote an article about Gold and its physical and metaphysical properties.

Anyway, I will put you on my watchlist and might come back, but not tonight as it's almost midnight.

Keep writing.

Phillberrie.

Hi,

Thanks for friending me. Here's my critique of your first chapter.

It needs a good line edit. Here are the typos I noticed on my casual read through.

---

"pigs sweet breath" should be "pig's sweet breath"

"I is something big" should be "It is something big".

"The messages is bit is like ..." should be 'The messages bit is like ..."

"and how you tow had got" should be "and how you two had got"

---

Also, I would have liked an earlier indication of Jenni's age and when I found out she was twelve I was surprised at her maturity.

"Go on," she heard in her head.

When the sow was communicating with Jenni she started seeing the words in her head then with the preceding line she starts hearing the words. If this was a transition from the visual perhaps she should think about how its changed so people don't get confused like I did.

How did the golden torcs get dirty? At one point she rubs dirt off the torcs, but nowhere previously has it been indicated that they are dirty or that they might have become dirty.

Also, Gold is quite a good conductor of electricity. Not as good as copper, but a lot better than some other metals. Here's a wikipedia reference on the physical properties of Gold (i.e. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gold#Characteristics). I mention this because I recently wrote an article about Gold and its physical and metaphysical properties.

Anyway, I will put you on my watchlist and might come back, but not tonight as it's almost midnight.

Keep writing.

Phillberrie.

It's a while since I read a story like this (Celtic magic) Bear in mind I'm not English, so a few things puzzled me every now & then. Chapter 1: 'I'm sorry', it came out in a croaky sort of whisper' perhaps make it clear that it's Jenni's voice there. I half expected it to be the pig. Somehow I think Jenni would or should have been a bit more overwhelmed to find a talking pig, but ..OK. Later, I noted that you change to Keri's POV once ('pictures began to form..')
and I wasn't sure I liked the ground 'unzipping.' Perhaps 'coming apart', 'opening up'?
What's a tump?

Ch 4: 'Duffy had said it was the west from which she would come.' This sounds awkward, at least to me.
typo: 'had a had it too..' Morningstar's wrists and ankles? It's a cat, so - paws etc. Quite a promising start.
All the best for your writing.

Hey, thanks for your comments.

A tump is a manmade mound of earth, usually hollow inside and often thousands of years old - that's for you now :-). I'll look to finding a way to show this as I first use the word.

I've taken your comments on board and will look at how to use them. Jenni is not an everyday kid, she already has magical experience. Also she hasn't been put into a "normal" box or told what's real and what isn't by grownups so she would be pleased rather than surprised by a talking pig :-). That's given me things to think about like how much do I want to tell the audience straight away, how much do I want them to feel themselves in a strange world - which they are - and whether, and how, to show Jenni is magical from the word go.

Oh and THIS cat definitely has wrists and ankles *chuckle* ... it's my way of working with animals, part of my style, that fits with the story, not consigning animals to "otherness" but feeling realted to them. He's a "he" not an "it".

thanks again. Must go and look up your stuff :-)
Grym

It's a while since I read a story like this (Celtic magic) Bear in mind I'm not English, so a few things puzzled me every now & then. Chapter 1: 'I'm sorry', it came out in a croaky sort of whisper' perhaps make it clear that it's Jenni's voice there. I half expected it to be the pig. Somehow I think Jenni would or should have been a bit more overwhelmed to find a talking pig, but ..OK. Later, I noted that you change to Keri's POV once ('pictures began to form..')
and I wasn't sure I liked the ground 'unzipping.' Perhaps 'coming apart', 'opening up'?
What's a tump?

Ch 4: 'Duffy had said it was the west from which she would come.' This sounds awkward, at least to me.
typo: 'had a had it too..' Morningstar's wrists and ankles? It's a cat, so - paws etc. Quite a promising start.
All the best for your writing.