Sarah's Secret

Katie, it's good one of us is here representing our state. I'm sorry to see you're taking time off, but hope you are using it to refine a great story. You've developed an intricate web of personalities, flawed, but believable. Beth, Nick, and Ellie are all struggling with life in very different ways, but not effectively. To present one POV is skillful, to take on more than one is demanding. Please, let me know when you rework this. I'm anxious to see if you follow some of the previous sections and tighten the beginning, cutting that which slows the pace - because once Beth and Ellie are in that alleyway, all kinds of questions popped into my mind. I'll keep this on the watchlist and look for updates. In the meantime, shelf space will keep it active while you are writing.

Got to Chapter (3) now and it's getting more interesting, but I really feel the pace here is much too slow. The first paragraph (Ellie stopped by the grocery store.... etc) is the kind of thing that needs to be cut. It is just not interesting. I think this work could do with major and brutal editing, to take out all the unnecessary stuff, dialogue tags and so on, and the story would speed up enormously.
Wish you the best of luck with in anyway.
Kind regards
Maria

Hi Katie

I've had this on my WL for quite a while and am trying to catch up with some of the older ones now! I liked the first chapter but didn't like the outburst at the grave - it felt too contrived, as if it was being said for the reader's benefit. chapter 2 I felt is mostly back storry, it is not moving the plot along at all and I would need the next chapters to really perk up to keep me interested. The pitch is really intriguing, with lots of promise, but I think you need to get the storey moving more quickly. I have to go out! Will come back and read /'comment more soon.
rgds
Maria

Dear Katie,


Tee-hee. I’m chuckling at the forthcoming event in October. I do wish you and your husband well. I was present in the labour ward with Faith when our second was born. Ingrid, who is grown up and married now.

We had such fun in the ward. I was overcome with emotion as Ingrid started to come out. The tears were flowing down my face, I could hardly see. I began hyperventilating and was so excited I might have fainted.

Then when she popped out, I though she was going to shoot off the table onto the floor and I reached out to grab her. I got a strange look from the midwife.

Sarah’s Secret is on my revolving bookshelf. Nice work.

Two thoughts come to mind. Based on my experience, this is overwritten and can stand being thinned out considerably. A piece of cake and lots of notes below about this.

The opening to this novel. Dream about what I am saying. The reckless driving that killed little Sarah. If you went to the cinema and the film opened with that scene in slow motion. Wouldn’t that scene live in your heart and mind for a very long time?

Wouldn’t people talk about that scene? If you visualized that scene and over the months, started making field notes until you had enough to character-act everything. In slow motion. Think about it perhaps. Not written as horror. But the selfishness of one and the tragedy of the innocent. I see it as a piece of beautiful writing. Stark. Memorable. A brilliant opening to a novel.

Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is critically important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting, converting narrative to dialogue.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and provides a bit of food for thought..


Kind regards,



Pierre Van Rooyen.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

I've only read the first page, but I'm immediately drawn in. Your writing is beautiful, and I'm looking forward to reading more. Shelved!

Hi Katie,

I read, enjoyed and backed this some time ago, but have just re-read the first four chapters, which you've re-worked. I like what you've done! They do seem to flow even better, and the interaction between Beth and Ellie is working very nicely. From what I recall, you're unfolding the back story more gradually, and I like that.

A trio of little typos:
Chapter 2: "You were just *to* absorbed"
Chapter 4:
"coffe"
"Same" instead of "Sam"

Well done! You've made a good story even better.

Having read the first chapter and the reviews, I am intrigued and will read further. One, tiny jarring note, right at the start - para 3, I think, you use the word "now" twice in a sentence, sorry if that seems pernickety. You seem to have a great premise for a story here, and after reading another chapter, I'm sure I will back this

Very tender, very sad. I can easily see this being made into a movie. It's a very unnerving situation, and the mounting tension is handled really well. I also love the way Beth's natural lovingness and good instincts open the way for the other two to becoming better people themselves. The prose is simple and natural but the demands made on the reader in terms of questioning his or her own ideas about death, communication, marriage, emotional availability, all of this is far from simple. Really nice work, I'm happy to back it. All the best, Maria.

p.s. I agree with Kasserman whose review I just read ... expanding the first scene of dressing up to go out for dinner would be a great idea.

Hi Katie! ARGH, I just wrote a huge long review, and the internet ATE IT!!! Grrrrr... Okay, I'll try to recapitulate everything now...

The fundamental premise, of two wounded souls -- three, really, since I have to include Nick, even though the primary focus is on Ellie and Beth so far -- isolated by their pain but who might possibly be able to find healing by opening up to each other is a strong and appealing one. The fact is, given the unhealed pain that each woman carries, neither of them really CAN at this point have a deep friendship with anyone who doesn't bear a wound of that magnitude, and so it's their brokenness that provides the glue that brings them together.

I read through chapter 6 and then skimmed chapter 7 for confirmation of what I had suspected (since I knew of course from the blurb that Nick was the driver who killed Sarah). That Ellie's wound and Beth's are so intimately intertwined is certainly dramatic, but it's a lot more than that -- it ratchets up the tension by about ten billion percent at one blow, because it causes so many potential problems. Both being in pain -- potential friendship glue. Both being in pain from being on matching puzzle-pieces of a tragedy -- potential relationship deal-breaker. If Ellie allows some element of blame, or what-if speculation even, about Beth's not having followed doctor's orders about the pregnancy to creep in -- problem. Once Beth realizes that it isn't so much the stillbirth that drove the wedge in her marriage but Nick's guilt over his horrifying secret -- another problem. And so on, ad terrible infinitum. This adds a note of necessary tension, because the healing process with E. and B. has a lot of clear obstacles along the way (and these obstacles can end up being either unnavigable disasters or else unusually rewarding opportunities for REALLY getting over some things, so, on the emotional level, it's very high stakes).

It's interesting, the first time we jumped into Nick's POV, I was annoyed -- I was SERIOUSLY not relishing being inside the head of an SOB who repeatedly excommunicates his wife to some FILTHY ALLEY to just SIT THERE until he can be BOTHERED to wander by at his leisure and "rescue" her -- and then these sections became some of my very favorite parts of the narrative. Nick isn't a monster. For that matter, what looks an awful lot like abuse of Beth -- while it certainly is, and he is, in my opinion, angry at her for having been in the hospital with Johnathan, whether he's right or wrong to be so -- is fundamentally more Nick's desperation to prove, over and hopelessly over again, that he can do the "rescue ride" without hurting someone. That we get to SEE Nick's thoughts sometimes and realize that he DOES care about Beth, and DOES hate what's going on in the marriage, establishes him as someone who's not just wicked and hurtful. He's screwed up -- that's different. And, critically, we DON'T see what's happening in Nick's brain when he actually falls back into the abusive, argumentative, irrational behavior again. Of course not -- Nick isn't CONSCIOUS of what he's doing at these times. Well, he needs to be, but he lacks the chops to figure it out. And until he starts being able to admit what he did on June 20, 1990, he's never going to GET those chops. Anyway, seeing the human side of Nick makes the marriage situation more understandable and not some caricature of cruelty -- and makes me, almost unwillingly, see that the relationship MIGHT be able to be saved. The bad stuff has gone on so long that I'm not confident of this. But at least it's possible.

Even though we start the story with Ellie, Beth and Nick feel more vivid to me at this point. Some of that is probably unavoidable, because Ellie is so thoroughly shut down, and has been for so long. However, it took me a while to orient myself to Ellie, in part I think because a little too much information is withheld in the very beginning. I kept feeling blindsided by unusual reactions or events that just came a little too thick and fast, and I think a very little more scene-setting in advance might address this (and give me a quicker handle on Ellie). For example -- I figured out the basic timeline only slowly, and I think laying this out explicitly might smooth out some of my initial confusion. It had been thirteen years since Sarah died, and three years since Ellie returned to Clark. Every day of those three years she'd promised herself that she'd visit the grave, and every day of those three years she found a reason to put it off. She hated herself for the excuses. Anyone would have hated her for it (in Ellie's view). But no one else knew. Ellie didn't tell anyone. Ellie didn't tell anyone anything. Something that gets this basic information across BEFORE we see Ellie heading off to the grave, so that we understand just HOW LONG Ellie has waited, and that it's therefore a BEYOND charged issue for her -- and this would have helped me understand her hysterics at the grave WHILE I WAS READING THEM rather than after the fact (as well as understand how unusual it is, and therefore how potent, for Ellie to show ANY display of outward emotion).

A scene that I think would benefit from more extensive expansion is the one where Ellie and Beth finally start to click at LeRoy's. Admittedly, it's very much in character (and we're inside her POV at the time) for Ellie to be distanced from it all and to report nothing to us but a sort of numb surprise that she's enjoying herself. But because it's SO critical for these women to establish a connection, I think the story would benefit from taking the reader through the direct experience of more of it, rather than just hear about it through Ellie's shield of ice. So -- Beth knows funny anecdotes about some of the regulars. We could hear some of those, and watch Ellie laugh (and be surprised at laughing -- and actually forget herself for a while, and be interested in something outside her own skin for once!).

This is a lovely, sad story that jumps feet-first into the quagmire of the huge emotional damage that ordinary people, with only ordinary coping skills, can sustain -- and shows some hope that even these ordinary people really CAN find the resources to find themselves, and the world, once again. With the caveat that I know SQUAT about markets, I think this has a clear place in the women's fiction genre -- or at least it should ;-) -- and very best of luck!!!

Hi Katie,
I love the new beginning of this as you get straight to the heart of the story. The soul searching about going to the town; instantly I want to know why the character is wrestling with herself. One very small comment is that there are a lot of Ellie’s in the first few paragraphs. I was pulled up on this myself by someone. Perhaps try using she or rephrasing a couple of sentences BUT this didn’t spoil my enjoyment at all.
The graveyard scene is brilliant. I love this. The new version bristles with raw emotion from the outset. I liked the old version but this is even better.
I like the scene with the storm starting. Some people have said that using the weather to reflect a character’s mood is old hat but this definitely isn’t the case here. Your writing is rich and evocative here and carries the story on wonderfully. I love the line about the rain cleansing her puffy face.
Oh one other thing – I think that the fact that you’re concentrating on one character in this chapter strengthens things, too. I am really getting to know Ellie and learning about her character and the salient points of the back story. I identify with the character and want to read more.
There’s just enough of Ellie’s story before we get to the chance encounter, which will help to drive the story. This works much better than the previous version.
There’s just enough information in this encounter to build up to their future relationship. The fact that there’s a small mention of this then back to more about Ellie’s character will, I think, make for a greater impact when Ellie and Beth meet again.
You end this first chapter perfectly, too.
I’m afraid I only have time for chapter one for now but my overall impressions are that this is a much more compelling story. As I say I liked it before but the characters unravel better in this version. I am getting to the heart of Ellie’s story much more here. I’ve said it elsewhere on the site but characters are what make a good story for me and I think you have nailed this, here.
Well done. Rewriting is always the hardest especially when you’re so close to the story.
SarahK (Kipper!)

Hi Katie. I'm back for a quick run through and yes, it's much better now, You're working out the sequencing and your characters are showing better motivation. Watch your pace in that first part. She's at the gravesite and crying and then she leaves in the same paragraph. Draw it out more. Make us feel her pain.

The intro with Beth in the alley makes more sense now that you've drawn Beth a little stronger, less needy. Still not sure about the introduction in the alley though--that still seems a little forced. I think I'd still like to see them in a situation where they're forced to talk instead of it being an option, and then they could discover a friendship more naturally. Excercise class maybe? Ellie's sure she's seen that woman somewhere before ...

Re: the scene where Beth relives prom night while she's with Nick. I think she should just remember this without having the reader jump out of the scene to see that and then jump back in. Flashbacks are tricky any way you do them but it's always best NOT to do them if they don't propell the plot forward or tell us something important that can't be told in real time.

But overall, much better! Good work!

Hi Katie,

I notice in earlier comments that you have had some feedback from JayG amongst others and I guess (I'm not sure!) that you have made your rewrites in an effort to write more actively and through the character's pov.

I can definitely see the results of that work - whenever you hit your stride with dialogue or character interaction I think this writing technique works very well. But I think the start of chapter 1 still shows a few signs of passivity - and I was confused in some places due to lack of clarity, I think (obviously I'm just one guy trying to write some feedback! so ignore me if you think it isn't useful!)

At first the location is confusing – I know work clothes implies she’s at work but I needed something more concrete to place her. The first sentence covers a massive amount of action in just a few words - going to the bathroom and changing her clothes and stuffing them away. I'd be quite happy to quietly settle into the Ellie character as she gets up from the desk and goes to the bathroom to change. During which you could easily slip in the thoughts and fears of the character that she has going to the grave.

Little girl inside her…confused me. I know the pitch tells you who is who, but the writing should as well and I thought the little girl was telling herself something..so talking about Sarah was confusing, for me! Again, I think if you just relaxed the writing a bit and took time describing her feelings and her determination to visit Sarah then that would work really well. You have an excellent dramatic incident to open your book with so there's plenty of material to play around with.

"At the entrance" - to what? This seems fragmented - I presume you mean the graveyard? But it wasn't clear.

"She would never forget that trip 10 years ago..." doesn't appear to have relevance - appearing as it does without reference to the trip - what happened then? what consequence does that memory have now? You could easily write a bit more about that first trip and why she's remembering it now...

"Sobs wracked her body" - makes the sobs appear to attack her rather than the tears come from within the character. Even something as little as "she was overcome by sobs" makes it less passive.

"Her eyes fell shut" - makes the eyes passive as if the eyes have a will of their own, rather than the character closing her eyes because...e.g. by closing her eyes she wanted to picture her sister as she was then...

"Ellie grabbed fists full of grass" - this feels as though you are scripting her actions - if we are seeing the actions from her point of view, she doesn't choose to grab the grass, it is an involuntary action and either needs describing in terms of her wanting to grasp hold of something real or her losing her temper and wanting to tear at something. As it is, the text seems observational.

To be honest, I am trying to be as objective as possible, but obviously this is only one opinion and although I believe I am right in pointing these things out, I can only recommend that you compare your writing to other books in your genre and see if there are works with a similar style.

For instance, shutting eyes is a very common activity in a book - have a look at the various ways it is described and see if it is every described passively. My belief is that generally modern fiction would replace " her eyes fell shut" with "she shut her eyes" or "she had to shut her eyes as memories threatened to overwhelm her" which still implies a certain amount of involuntary action on her part but makes it character action in the description.

I would definitely advise attempting to follow JayG's comments (which I think you're already doing!) and I think as a result you will have a really interesting story - I remember your pitch from the forums when you tried to put it together and I think the concept is a good one.

I hope some of this helped ~ but of course other opinions are just as valid and it looks as though plenty of people have enjoyed your book :-)

Katie-
I usually start off with the first chapter, but I've just breezed through chapter 3. I really like how you've written the two separate stories and have intertwined them. I can feel for both characters, though I felt that the story exuded the most emotion when you write about Beth. I'm going to shelf this. There's not much to nit-pick, I paid more attention to the story than anything so I'll just pass on some helpful advice that I've received. Avoid using was and were too much, which you don't do anyway. Try not to use -ly- adverbs, let your actions describe. Good luck with this, I'll be sure to read on!
-Amanda

hi katie,

your book is far from this adventure junkies normal reading matter.

so please take it as a great compliment when i say you had me blinking away tears such is the emotion you manage to evoke from your reader. you really seem to feel your characters pain and write it through them so well.

all the best with it-shelved-TJ

Hi Katie,

I've read the first three chapters. I think you've got some good characters here and the elements of a good story all seem to be present to some extent or another. There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of conflict yet and I don't get a real sense of where the story is going. I've got some detailed notes below, take them or leave them as you like.

Chapter 1

"Ellie walked softly down the damp puddle-spattered street."
Two things here: is there a stronger verb you could use instead of using an adverb (softly)? How about "padded" or "trudge" or something that paints more of a picture? "Walked softly" could mean any number of things: she could be walking softly because that's just the way she walks, or because she's trying not to be heard, or because she's avoiding puddles, etc. Also, if the street is puddle-spattered, it's probably damp, too, so it's a bit repetitive.

"Wondered", "thought", "felt", etc. distance the reader from the protagonist. Consider cutting them out altogether or limiting their use, at least.

I can easily picture these two women interacting. The little details about Beth shifting from one foot to the other work well to draw the reader in.

"...as the light above the kitchen sink welcomed her home."
This sounds like she's already in the house, but then two sentences later it shows she's still outside. Just a bit confusing.

"She began to read the shampoo bottle, forcing her brain to focus on something else–anything else."
This line is great. Another of those little details that draws the reader in.

Chapter 2

The sex scene in this chapter feels a bit too much like "tab A, slot B". "This happened, then this, then this, then this." Focus more on the emotions and less on the physical actions. Most people reading this are going to know the physical aspects. What we want to know is the emotional. What is she thinking? What is she remembering? What is she feeling?

Chapter 3

Extraneous information: "She usually did her grocery shopping on Friday evenings, when it wasn't busy, but she'd had other plans and she hadn't been up for shopping the rest of the weekend." Unless her grocery shopping habits have a bearing later on in the story, this just isn't necessary and it slows the pace of the story.

"Look" (as in "She did look thin") is another one of those words that serves to distance the reader from what's going on. You could just rephrase things like that to "She was pretty thin, though, almost too thin."

"He walked through the house in easy large strides, as he looked for his wife." Consolidate your writing here. Use strong verbs instead of adverbs and adjectives. "He strode through the house, looking for his wife." It packs more of a punch and gives the same picture with fewer words.

I think you could do more with the fight between Beth and Nick. There's a lot of potential for dramatic tension here, characterization, etc. but it's barely touched on. "They dredged up old fights and said things to hurt each other." What kinds of things? Why did they hurt?

I really like the way the last scene in this chapter is written.

"He left no room left for disagreement." You've got an extra "left" in there.


I think the biggest thing is taking advantage of the potential conflicts you have here. What's the goal of each chapter? Is each chapter, each scene, each paragraph, and each sentence moving the story forward or adding to the characterization and plot in a meaningful way? I think that, for the most part, they are, but there are definitely some places where there are missed opportunities or spots that could be trimmed.

Again, take everything I say above with a grain of salt. Just my personal opinions and thoughts. Let me know if you do any major edits in the future as I'd be happy to take another look.

Hi Katie. Your poignant writing tugs on the readers heart. You choice to shift POV intensifies plot and build characterizations. You keep the reader wanting more and longing for the characters to resovled their issues. Three distinct personalities, expressing fears and hopes, are brilliantly woven together. In chapter 3, I recommend you put quotation marks around - to say, "Hi," - . I also recommend mentioning Sarah before chapter 4. I thought you changed one of the main characters' names and forgot to change the title. the pShelved. Stay in touch and good luck. Janet Marie

Hi Kate,

Sorry I've taken so long to get here--never enough hours in a day!

As I reading a few things jump out at me--first, that you have a very intimate story to tell, one that promises to be very emotionally charged. Ellie has lost a sister, Beth faces domestic abuse on an almost daily basis. Eventually, according to your synopsis, they connect. This is powerful stuff, deserving of emotionally driven writing. In many ways you succeed. In others, it falls a little flat, as if you try and then barely miss the opportunity to bring us to tears.

Ch 1--Ellie's walking alone at night and you tell us she's not comfortable at night nor do we know why she's frightened by a car's headlights enough to dart into an alley. Clearly she's anxious to get home but then she meets a woman and ultimately invites her home even though by her own admission, she doesn't like to be noticed. It just doesn't fit. I'd also think Beth wouldn't so readily admit that her husband kicked her out. There's a certain amount of embarrassment for the victims of domestic abuse--for some woman it can take years to admit while others never do. Later, we realize Ellie's still haunted by her sister's death (though we still don't know the details) and that she's estranged herself from her family because of it.

My initial thought here is that the book should open with Sarah's death (or some explanation of it) so we have a base on which to build these deepening emotions. I also think Ellie should meet Beth in a different place--a place in which Ellie would feel compelled to help her in some way, so the connection is made more naturally. Maybe she's injured and helps her to the hospital. Maybe Ellie witnesses some abuse. Either way, seeing someone injured would surely tug at something in Ellie and cause her to ignore her own fears and want to help.

But having sex after abuse. I'm ashamed to say I've been there, done that. It's awful but it happens.

Ch 3--Again--the scene is rather implausibe. They met in a dark alley yet the woman is brave enough to call Ellie by name in public. She must have really good eyesight! As an example of telling instead of showing and thereby demonstrating how emotion can really charge the scene--the section beginning with "The fight only escalated from there." sort of cheats us out of the fight!

POV is fine throughout but does it need to jump so much? I prefer POV changes at chapters but if they have to happen mid-chapter, only once or twice at most. Basic rule is that you don't change POV for the sake of convenience--change it to whichever POV best tells the story, even if it means more work to get the point across through a different character. Consistency is one of the keys to smooth reading.

Flashbacks are difficult at best. When Beth feels she needs to tell Ellie about Nick's disapproval of her painting the bedroom, it seems obtrusive to step back from her conversation with Ellie to play the scene and then step back in. She could just tell her about it. Same thing when Ellie remembers her family's discussion about moving.

Ch 4. The scene at the grave finally explains what we should have known from the beginning. It illustrates Ellie's grief and her guilt for not being able to save her sister and adds more flesh to a character wracked with grief. At this point in her life, Sarah's death defines Ellie. If not the accident itself, this is where I feel your book should begin.

As I said before, you have the premise here for a great book about love and loss, grief and guilt, and tremendous freindship. I hope you keep working on it and that my comments have offered some ideas to will help along the way. Good luck. ~Barb

Hi Katie,
Have just read chapter 4 and this continues to be powerfult stuff. The scene by the gravestone was amazing. I like the way you convey the emotions of her not wanting to leave but beig made to do so and the feelin g that she thinks she has abandoned her sister.
I really think you deserve to be higher up the charts.
SarahK

Katie, this isn't the kind of book that I normally read, so I don't feel qualified to offer a critique, except to say that you write very well, the story is interesting and the characters seem real. So, a little shelf space for you.

Hi Kate, got round to Sarah's Secret at last.
It drew me in very well, the cold wet scene and the sense of sadness ..I do believe the weather does affect moods and set scenes in plays and books. The meeting with Beth immediatelt intersting. Ellle is detached and that seems okay as she is in this introverted, unhappy state which doesn't easily relate to others. She wants to help Beth but can't. That is a very real reaction. Then slowly we see her warm to Beth's warmer personality and become more human. Beth is interesting and complex. I like ehr but feel she's a fool to put up with Nick. On the other hand she needs his love. I wonder why she is so needy that she can't just leave...maybe she does, I haven't read it all yet. I understand her pain having lost two babies myself. I think we need to see more of the pain she felt. it's a numbing experience. Nobody wants to talk to you about it...people hate others to be in pain.

All in all this has some very promising characters and I feel you are working well towards getting them right. It still needs some tweaking but I can see you are competent and able to do that. Lots of luck Lorri

I had a couple of problems with this book. You have to remember that I am in no way a writer or whatnot, so take what I say or leave it. Maybe it will help maybe not.
The first thing is that it nagged me all the way through the story that at no time did Ellie, Beth, Ryan, Beths parents, pastor etc address the idea of going to the police. I understand, having finished the book, why you did it the way you did but I spent many chapters confused as to why it hadn't been addressed. I think that earlier in the book it should be touched upon somehow, but without changing the end of the book becuase I think that how it lays out in the final chapter is important.
The other thing is that for the first 4 or so (authonomy) chapters I felt like this was more of an outline for a book. It was like the ideas were being laid out for later development. It seemed scattered and distracting to me.
That being said, somewhere around the middle of the book things looked up. Characters were being developed and one could really identify with at least one of the characters. Good job and good luck.
~Michelle

The first chapter is intriguing, but I still feel distant from Ellie. I don' think you have to give us all of what is going on with her in the first chapter, but a little more would be helpful. As I have said before to others, you have to want to keep reading and I just don't feel that with Ellie in the first chapter. But I'm going to keep reading anyhow :)

Had a look at this from the POV thread you started on the forum. From what I’ve read so far, your POVs look fine to me. You’re only in one head at a time with very distinct scene/chapter changes. Yes, other authors can get away with constant head-hopping, but us wannabes have enough counting against us without making things even harder for ourselves.

The only issue I has was Ellie herself. While I liked the first chapter, it seemed curiously detached to me. We’re in Ellie’s POV, but we never really get under her skin, you’re telling us Ellie did this, Ellie did that, without really showing us how it affects her and why. In chapter 2, I thought you did Beth much better – you get much closer to her and inside her head (more showing here and less telling). Although I wasn’tsure that she’d sleep rough and then go home and have sex with the man who’d kicked her out? Maybe you need to explain this relationship a bit more (maybe I’m too impatient), but she’s got to have some psychological dependency on him to take that kind of treatment, surely?

End of chapter 3 there is this sentence: Their parents had even taken most "the" her clothes and some toys to Goodwill.

Sorry, from my proof reading days, hard to skip by this. I know that I miss these things in my own writing.

I am actually into Chapter 4, but the sentence wouldn't leave me alone.

So far, I have really liked your style of writing. I feel I already know both women and can feel their pain.

Right, now to move on to chapter three. Amber fast asleep so I can get my teeth stuck into your so far wonderful novel!
There’s a lot happening in chapter three. The chance meeting between the two woman, their coffee and the conflict over the painting. This is just my personal opinion but I thought we flitted from one thing to another a little fast.
I think this would be stronger if you focussed on one event in more detail or made the sections longer. Perhaps, Beth starts the painting and has a blazing row over this. She runs away to the store and that is when she meets Elllie. Once again she’s looking a little bedraggled, her eyes could be red from crying, which is why Ellie finds it hard to resist the offer of a coffee or perhaps she suggests it because she feels sorry for this strange woman.
By linking the two scenes more closely I think the story would flow better.
Having read on, the fact that Ellie doesn’t have any local fiends is clearly very closely linked to the reason for their move; Sarah’s death. This works well, it’s the perfect point in the story to raise this mystery and as a reader. I definitely want to read on.
SarahK

Chapter 2
Chapter 2 gets off to a really strong start – what sort of man is Nick that he’d let his wife sleep rough in the streets? What sort of a woman is she that she allows herself to do it? I think this scene gives us a real insight into these characters especially the fact that he’ll ‘want sex’ when they get home. This is a strange and complex relationship that you brilliantly encapsulate in one scene. Brilliant.
This is carried through well with some subtle references to the dynamics of their relationship; the fact that he calls her baby, rather than by her name and that she hates it.
Overall, I can’t fault this at all, it is strong compelling STUFF. Running out of today’s Peppa Pig credit but will be back for more.
SarahK

Hi Katie,

I've finally got round to reading the first four chapters (all time allows I'm afraid).

My overall thoughts are that the story is compelling and I truly wanted to read more. The action happens at a great pace, keeping my interest and enjoying learning about the characters. I did find that I had to keep reminding myself which characters Beth and Ellie were, I think that's because we meet them both immediately - maybe a little more initial identification there might help, or it might just be me!

Here and there I found some lines that didn't flow as well as the rest, but nothing a good edit can't cope with. I find (currently in the middle of rewriting/editing) that if you read your work out loud, those clunky sentences/phrases are easy to spot and reword.

Generally I feel that this will appeal to lovers of romantic fiction and I am happy to shelve, and wish you the best of luck.

Kat

Hi,,
your book seems promising, I only got to read chapter one but I can see the story is starting to shape,
Ellie's chaercter is good,

Good Luck,
A placw on my shelf is ready for your book,
Kimmy ^-^

Hi Katie,
Sorry it has taken me so long but I have finally got around to reading Sarah’s Secret. The synopsis is compelling and I think you’re right we’re in a similar genre here. It reminds me of the kind of novel that someone like A.S. Byatt or Jodi Piccoult (both favourite authors of mine) would write.
The beginning is a great start. The line about the sky being calm but that her thoughts are anything but, is great. I’m nit-picking but I would lead in with this rather than the information about the puddle street. Personally, I think that it’s stronger. The insight into her mental state pulls in the reader far more than the fact that she has blonde hair.
How about...
The sky was once again calm although Ellie’s thoughts were anything but as she walked down the damp, puddle-splattered street. She tried to push her emotions aside and concentrate on getting to her warm dry bed.
I don’t mean to edit your work. As I say I think it’s a brilliant story and a great start but from your synopsis your books appears to be very character driven so the quicker we can get inside Ellie’s head, the better.
I’ve had a lot of feedback on Sticks and Stones. One piece of excellent advice was about this whole thing of showing not telling. Where you say; the woman tilted her head, Ellie was sure in question. Personally I don’t think you need the Ellie was sure in question part. The tilting of the head is a gesture that speaks for itself.
You have some wonderful evocative phrases such as the ‘kind of exhausted, dreamless sleep that made time just disappear’. I loved this. It is a small sentence but encapsulates so much about her state of mind; the longing for sleep conjures up a strong image.
Have read to the end of the first chapter and I think it’s excellent. Sets out the fact that the past is haunting Ellie, the strained relationship with her mother, the sadness that she feels.
I’ll read more after my daughter is in bed but this is definitely going on my shelf.
Sarah K

I felt things were fine here as regards viewpoint. If anything there was the odd moment where you probably could get away a "her" instead of quoting the character name.

The only thing I would say is that I tend to think that fiction works best for me if I know whose story it is. So I feel it would have more impact for me if I thought from the outset that it was a story about Ellie, and Beth figures large in that story. You don't always need a viewpoint shift to say what you want to say. For example you could have a scene in which Ellie listens as Beth describes something that happened with Nick, rather than actually going right over into Beth's viewpoint to show us it. Reported action, rather than directly witnessed.

So I don't see anything wrong with your handling of the viewpoints, I'm just not entirely convinced that you need quite so much of them. I think I would find it more involving if you chose an obviously primary viewpoint and let me really get into and identify with that character's feelings and issues, as my way of understanding the meaning and import of the story.

Hi Katie,
Here are my very, very detailed line edits on your first section! "P" refers to paragraph.
P2: "She heard it..." (Consider instead: "She heard the car before she saw its bright...")
P5: Recommend revising for better flow. For example: "Every nerve ending in her body called for flight, but Ellie's curiosity turned her..." Also, if you can, try to omit the adverb "slowly."
P5: I liked the vague yet specific description of the woman. It intrigues without giving a laundry list of physical characteristics.
P6: Capitalize "The" since the question is a complete sentence.
GENERAL NOTE: I really like Ellie's internal dialogue scattered throughout. It gives her a pleasing and genuine verisimilitude.
P8: Recommend not breaking up the sentence as flow is jarringly interrupted here, i.e., "Ellie was sure the woman..."
P9: "...walking down the street, by herself at ..." (Omit comma after street.)
P10: Consider a comma between "said" and "extending."
"Beth hesitated, "Well...my husband..." (Change comma to period after hesitated.)
"Ellie looked at her and said..." (Consider a stronger, more telling verb than looked. Also recommend inserting "us" between "make" and "some."
In your word processor, use your Find feature (Ctrl-F in Word on a PC) to look up the word "turned." It is over-used in this text. Don't worry, though, its one of the most over-used words in our language. I also had to do a "search and destroy" for that particular word in my own novel. I also over-used "smile" and "eyes." =)

I hope this helps, Katie! Good luck with your novel!!
~Cheri

Hi Katie,
Her husband, Nick, leaves her to sleep the night in the streets behind a dumpster and he knows where she is but doesn’t go get her until the morning? Then she goes home and has sex with him? That’s one seriously screwed-up relationship!! Get out of there, Beth. I’m glad Beth has entered Ellie’s life because she certainly needs a shake-up and an outgoing, confident friend could be just the thing to lift her out of her punishing grief that has basically stunted her adult life. The phone calls with her mother are also poignant and express Ellie’s guilt about being the one to survive and the huge wall she's built around herself. Moving so soon after the accident would have been traumatic for the kids as well and I can’t blame her for that resentment, but I can't help thinking some therapy earlier on might have saved her emotional state.

Now, I’m going to suggest something radical, so please ignore if it doesn’t make sense. But I think your start could be stronger if you went with the scene from Chapter four when Ellie visits the graveyard!!!! You would need to re-work it slightly to get in some of the information we already know, but from the paragraph when she’s stuffing her clothes in the bag after work to the moment where it starts pissing down with rain. It’s powerful, it’s emotional and we immediately get to the heart of Ellie’s suffering and the theme of the book. You can then move into the scene where she bumps into Beth in the street and take it from there.

What do you think?

Cheers,

Heather, Friends & Pho

Hi Katie,

Sarah's Secret is in my hands and I have some ideas already. I hope these help, as i think the opening paragraphs are important. The first thing I thought was that your second sentence would be nice if it was written from Ellies point of view like the next couple are. Maybe try something like this "Ellie walked down the puddle-spattered street running her fingers through her damp hair, already drying.

Also, the second paragraph sentence was a bit confusing. I wasn't sure what IT was, I guess it was the car. Try simply "she heard the car before she saw the high beams" and I even think you could combine the first two paragraphs into one fabulous opening.

I'm getting a sense that you should look at all your longer sentences and consider trimming them down or rearranging them to make them simpler. Here's another example when you say 'she waited for a moment for her eyes to adjust" why not simply "her eyes adjusted to the darkness and she saw the form of a woman."
Anyway, I hope this helps because I do think you have a good story here and when you start with the dialogue with the other woman it's great. You have also created likable characters and an interesting story.

I thought your story flowed well and I wanted to keep reading. I love your two characters Ellie and Beth and want to know all about them. I like your dialogue, it is very natural. I'm backing it. Take a look at mine if you get a chance.

Hello Katie,

Good Pitch. A couple of points. It may become clear, but how does Ellie recognise the car after 15 years? Is it very unusual? And these days do people keep cars for 15 years?

Re the opening paragraphs. It is easy to read and intriguing, but I feel that the meeting is a bit forced. Perhaps one of them could accidently knock the other one over. That would give them a more natural reason to talk. I'm not sure a stranger would know Ellie was hiding from cars? Or maybe I didn't read it right.

Okay, you've explained that the car's old. But I found Beth far too passive. She's a doormat and Nick seemes to have few redeeming features. I like Ellie's interaction with her cat.

In spite of my crits it's a good read and I'm putting it on my Watch list. Good Luck,

Joanna

Hi,
Found this very easy to read - though suggest for authonomy you might want to upload chs one at a time.
The premise of your story - the linking of Ellie and Beth via Nick and all the probs that will introduce, especially for Ellie, already deeply troubled, has potential. What I want to see is ultimately Ellie being able to heal herself and her relationship with her parents, whom I'm assuming do actually love her, if she would let them.
I do have a few comments re the writing, which i hope will be constructive -
I think this could benefit from a pruning (as can we all) - eg - '...downpour (she had endured). Th sky was calm(now) but Ellie's thoughts...' / 'She heard the car before she saw the bright beams of its headlights...'
There are some bits where you 'tell' rather than 'show' - eg - 'Her eyes had to adjust because....'
You have used almost identical phrases twice referring to why would she tell a stranger her life's story, it wasn't her business etc. And a few places were the details don't quite add up - hood half up, yet hair hanging to shoulders - implies hood is down. / Wanting a bath and forgetting it in a few minutes - changing her mind would be more believable.
And on the other hand sometimes you give every detail - not needed and slows story down - eg slippers / robe etc.
This isn't a genre I'd normally read - doesn't Authonomy take us out of our comfort zones? - so my comments need to be weighed against those of others, but I hope they are helpful, good luck with this,

Margaret ( My book is Munro's Choice -HF, but I'd be delighted to have your opinion.)

Hi,
Found this very easy to read - though suggest for authonomy you might want to upload chs one at a time.
The premise of your story - the linking of Ellie and Beth via Nick and all the probs that will introduce, especially for Ellie, already deeply troubled, has potential. What I want to see is ultimately Ellie being able to heal herself and her relationship with her parents, whom I'm assuming do actually love her, if she would let them.
I do have a few comments re the writing, which i hope will be constructive -
I think this could benefit from a pruning (as can we all) - eg - '...downpour (she had endured). Th sky was calm(now) but Ellie's thoughts...' / 'She heard the car before she saw the bright beams of its headlights...'
There are some bits where you 'tell' rather than 'show' - eg - 'Her eyes had to adjust because....'
You have used almost identical phrases twice referring to why would she tell a stranger her life's story, it wasn't her business etc. And a few places were the details don't quite add up - hood half up, yet hair hanging to shoulders - implies hood is down. / Wanting a bath and forgetting it in a few minutes - changing her mind would be more believable.
And on the other hand sometimes you give every detail - not needed and slows story down - eg slippers / robe etc.
This isn't a genre I'd normally read - doesn't Authonomy take us out of our comfort zones? - so my comments need to be weighed against those of others, but I hope they are helpful, good luck with this,

Margaret ( My book is Munro's Choice -HF, but I'd be delighted to have your opinion.)

Hi Katie,

I read the first four chapters you posted in Authonomy's Chapter One.

What an intriguing story.

You started with an captivating opening paragraph. I immediately wanted to know what was troubling Ellie.

Your characterization of Ellie shows her to be innocent and damaged and, yet, ready to take on new experiences. Your characterization off Beth shows her to be damaged as well. I'm so glad these two women have found each other and have enjoyed their stories so far.

You paint word pictures well. The rainy day of the opening scene was vivid.

Your dialogue seems authentic and the conversations flow well. The intial dialogue between Ellie and Beth was expertly crafted. It held my attention and interest.

The Beth/Nick sex scene was superb. I could feel Beth's frustration.

You write emotions well. For example, the scene of Ellie at Sarah's grave was touching.

Some suggested edits.

"Oh, hi, Mom," Ellie was in no mood . . . Period after 'Mom.' Same thing with "Uh-huh, bye," Ellie quickly hung up the phone. (period after 'bye.')

Matt, the 16, had lost himself in his studies. Spell out numbers 1 to 99. Same thing with 'The car was old, almost 20 years . . . ' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first four chapters.

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half in the Beth/Nick scene regarding painting the bedroom. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness.

These are minor lapses and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your tender story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

I have stopped playing Authonomy. However, your comment regarding Kuda Puti stirred me. I have read Sarah's Secret previously. The 'Chick Lit' concept rather throws me off because I am totally unable to relate to the characters (having never been a chick...I went to an all boys school and joined the army, in those days there were no women in the units).
To provide a critique I must limit my comment to the writing, the expression.
I found it easy enough to read although found some of the metaphors a little forced. From 'pitch' I feel you have a story, worth telling.
Because I never actually related to characters I found significant problems with two elements of your writing.
1. Switching POV mid scene. To avoid this I suggest you think of your omni present narrator as being on the shoulder of a character and for the sake of the reader when you move the narrator to another's shoulder, tell the reader somehow.
2. Sometimes you overwrite (I do too) but tightenening the narrative so that the obvious is not restated will help.

Good luck and thanks for the crit of Kuda.

I had space on my shelf, it is good.

Katie,
You have such a way with drawing the emotion out of the reader. I was impressed by how you were able to describe the despair of Ellie. You also have believable dialogue that instantly connects the reader to the characters. Shelving it.
Stauna

Katie,

You've created sympathetic characters with believable and moving stories. I've read the first four chapters, and am drawn to carry on.

I'm relieved to see from your comments below that this is *not* autobiographical!

Shelved.

Hi Katie,

This sentence seems unfinished:
"Her blond hair had begun to dry after the downpour she had endured."
Might just be me. It just struck me as incomplete.

This line has a typo:
“It has,” Ellie smiled. “See you later.”

Should be "was" instead of "has"

Not the type of novel I would normally read however I was captivated and read the first 4 chapters, another rarity for me on Authonomy.

I liked the dialogue and inner voices of Beth and Ellie.

I think you have a really good novel here. Shelving it.

If you get the chance, and haven't done so, please take a look at my MS, Rerun.

Best wishes and good luck.
-Chris
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4441

Katie,

You have an interesting and absorbing story here. The characters are sympathetically drawn and the dialogue realistic. I particuarly like Nick. It's a fast paced story and kept my interest well. The title is good but I think something like Twist of Fate or Fateful Chance or something like that... just my opinion though.

Good stuff!
J x

Hi Katie,
You asked if I could help with any titles for your book a while ago. Well i'm upto ch14 and loving the story still, the only titles I can think of so far are Small town secrets or Behind closed doors. I don't know if they're any good for you. I'm going to carry on reading and see if I can come up with anymore.
Fantastic book
Melissa xx

Watchlisted having been pointed here by Bennetts. Could I ask you to look at mine if you haven't already done so. No offence if you don't fancy them.

This is undeniably in need of some editing, but nothing major. Just a lot of minors. Once done, I think you've got a very insightful and intelligent story here. I like Ellie and Beth so far and find myself wanting to know them better. Great start. I'll shelve this as I think it deserves higher ranking.
Oh! And so many chapters under the heading ch 1! Perhaps they should be split up?

Thanks for the comments. I really appreciate them! And I guess it's a compliment to my writing that you feel I've experienced these things because I haven't really. All 4 of my siblings are living and I have a good relationship with both parents. I am married and I was actually afraid that if my mom read the book she would think I was writing about my marriage-I'm not by the way. My marriage is happy. My two children are young, but happy and healthy. It is a heartfelt book though. I guess maybe I've taken minor relationship problems and took the emotions I felt and blew them up to fit such drastic circumstances. So, thanks again!

Hey Katie,

Just read through chapter six--your chapter six. I feel as though I've been taken inside the heads of three people in a most intimate way. Just focusing on them. It's such an in-depth examination of the ways in which people do and do not deal with loss and death, isn't it? Wow. And there's so much sadness here.

I think you've done such a great job with Nick too--about the way men deal or rather don't deal with things--just kind of, as it were, retreat into a 'dark place' and become unreachable. That is spot on. And it's not that they're evil, it's just that they often seem to lack the emotional literacy to cope. Very well done.

I'm also very impressed with how you've delineated how much damage is done to children by parents not coping, but shutting down. That's such a hard thing to come out and say for so many people. But wow, I think it's vital.

This book, I think, is one you're writing from the heart and I imagine it's taken a certain courage to put it all down--correct me if I'm wrong. But I don't know how one could 'know' about these kind of drawn-out breakdowns without having experience of them. It just doesn't work that way. And I feel you're writing from inside them.

This is a really thoughtful book. Thank you.

Best--MM

Hi Katie,
Your synopsis packs a real punch. I'm going to shelve you for a bit while I read and I'll comment in due course.

J

Katie
The interaction between Ellie and Beth is very convincing. With Beth’s reticence and Ellie’s self doubt and always second guessing herself. It makes for an interesting mix.

As I said, this is your story and so I wouldn’t dream of telling you how to write it, but here are a couple of guidelines I received from my critique group which editors always pick up on.

In someone’s PoV, everything they see and hear so does the reader, so you don’t need to use, ‘Ellie heard’, ‘Ellie noticed,’ Ellie saw’, its implicit.

RUE – Resist the urge to explain. E.g.
Ellie called Beth over lunch on Wednesday to make plans for Saturday.
“Hi,Ellie. It’s Beth.”
“Oh hi,” Ellie answered.
The above isn’t needed because you have already said Ellie called her, so just go straight into the conversation..
Head-hopping is also a pet hate, each scene should be in one person’s PoV with a clear break when you switch to another. Like when Nick and Beth are talking in the car, you hop from one person’s thoughts to the other. The thoughts themselves are good, very emotional and give a clear idea of how each one is feeling, but you need demarcations between the two. Maybe Nick’s PoV in the car with Beth’s reactions, then switch to Beth once they are inside the house.
It’s an engaging story and Beth and Ellie are very different people. Nick’s emotional side took me by surprise too, I had him down as a mindless thug!
I'll read some more tomorrow.
Anita

Hiya Katie -

I read your first three chapters and am intrigued by the relationship between these two unhappy women.

A couple of things, first of all. There are one or two things I'd lose in the opening chapter. I'd be tempted to jettison the explanatory (third?) sentence in the second paragraph - keep the business about dark cars and nights a bit more of a mystery. And I'd lose the last but one paragraph - there's a lot of backstory in there, and it feels like it holds up the flow.

The second chapter worked well (what a horrible relationship!) and getting Beth and Ellie together again in the third, even if the conversation was stilted (and more interesting because of that), seems to get the story moving (there was one glitch - I think 'well-being' came out as 'well-bing'). The 'flashback' structure works fine, but I would avoid too much 'telling' and maybe not quite enough 'showing'. I know that both of these women are rather haunted by their pasts, but the piece comes alive in the interesting set-pieces (the first meeting in the dark, rain-washed alley; the argument over paint) and I would favour little scenes like those over paragraphs which fill us in on what's happened.

I think this would appeal to a lot of women. Not being a woman, that's more a hunch of mine than a dead cert, but I can see how the story of two unhappy women helping each other through their respective problems would work. It reads very smoothly and, like I said, has some good visual moments which form clear pictures in the reader's mind. I'll also admit to being intrigued about where this story's going. You've got two interesting characters (Beth, I find, is particularly interesting, but Ellie's not far behind - maybe her being more of an introvert means that it'll be a while before we really get to know her), and I'm sure their relationship is going to reveal a lot.

Simon