The Crossing: Coming Home

I've mangaed to come back to read a bit more after 23 days (apparently). I was not diappointed. The story moves along very well, the writing remains tight and fluid and I now want to know what Grandpa's deathbed plea means too. My only quibble would be my dislike of rhetorical questions, such as: What was she doing here? Explain what? What if Betsy had a chain saw? - but this is a very personal thing. Wherever possible I would always change them into statements.

Paul House (Common Places)

Dear Sharon,

OK, here we go girl. I read prologue, epilogue (after I found it by mistake, hee, hee), chapters one and two and reckon I have sufficient feel to talk to you.

Without further ado, The Crossing: Coming Home is on my bookshelf. Had me engaged.

Rik is messing you around with 1 1 2 3 etc. I found your prologue readily enough, but was forced to continue directly to chapter 1. Only when I wanted to check something in your prologue and clicked on the second 1, did I find your epilogue. A lot of readers will miss it. Perhaps not serious.

Accomplished writing. It certainly had me engaged. Character driven with good mix between dialogue and direct action.

I reckon, you can do better with not too much labor. Piece of cake in fact. These are my thoughts.

Pitch is good. Synopsis, I reckon the sentences are slightly over-written. For instance the ‘over-achieving family’ is key. It communicates everything. It sets the tone. The ‘loving’ might be considered superfluous as it steals attention from the key statement.

I love the unexpected verb ‘roars’. Envious of that. I would love to tweak your synopsis, deleting adjectives and adverbs, superfluous words, tightening the sentences as much as possible. Say we get rid of 20% of what’s there.

The key elements will shine. I would then divide that wad of copy into three or four paragraphs and insert a line-space between each. Attractive, bite-size paras, inviting readership, good visual presentation for them editors.

As I said. Piece of cake.

OK, as long as you’re not reaching for the baseball bat, let me mess with your work some more. Make no mistake, it’s lekker (delicious). All I’m doing is tweaking and polishing.

I was not impressed with nine adjectives and/or adverbs in that first paragraph sentence of the prologue. I think they ruin your writing. I wanna see ‘em out. I wanna see your stuff ‘stark’. Don’t know what your reaction is. John Steinbeck would agree with me. (Journal of a Novel, his notes while he was putting East of Eden together.)

You pulled me into the story quickly and firmly. And I stayed engaged. Accolades for that.

Overall, I would tend to tighten sentences. Superfluous words out. Adjectives and adverbs out. Leaving the key stuff to wow the reader. Difficult to accept, but the right thing to do. We’re talking polishing, hey.

Last night I dropped an essay onto ‘Writing’ on Forum. ‘How I wrote and sold my first novel.’ Probably have you howling with laughter at me. But it’s true and there may be some food for thought there.

Thanks for letting me read your stuff. It’s good.

Kind regards,

Pierre.

Hi Sharon,
five chapters in and no choice but to shelve.
A deep and interesting mc, vivid scenes, great writing and my favourite thing in the literary world - intrigue.
Cheers,
Simon

Okay, you got my vote. You got me.

I read through to the end of chapter 9 - although I think you've got one chapter up there twice. Now, eight chapters in one sitting is a record for me. And, out there in the real world, I hardly ever read fiction. But your opening chapters are GENIUS. They grabbed me, they hooked me in. Suddenly, it seemed, the pace slackened, and the story went off somewhere ... and I began to get to know some fascinating people. I had to keep coming back because I wanted to know where this story was going - and I still want to know.

I think I'm going to have to keep reading this. Your writing is addictive. You create great situations. Your story twists, quite naturally, but in a way that really transfixed me. Over and over again I was leaning into the screen.

Oh, let me be the first to back this book!

Wow - this is a top notch read! Tight writing, flowing dialogue and a plot that grabs you instantly, compelling you to read on. I love this book! I'm backing this one!

If you get a chance, could you take a look at mine? "Seed of the Black Widow"

Thanks and once again - great book!

Sharon:

Prologue works wonderfully; really a terrific opening -- and the next four chapters flow effortlessly. The characters have fully-realized personalities that feel both fresh and familiar. Very appealing MC, excellent pacing of the narrative and just the right balance between romance and mystery. I want to read more, and will endeavor to do so. If I'd picked this up in a bookstore and read these initial chapters, I would definitely buy the book. It's a winner and it's on my shelf.

Best, Kaaren

Love, especially cause the Brands and the Teagues are family names. That's not all, of course The writing is beautiful and the intrigue pulled me in. When I get a chance, I want to come back and read more.

ah but this is charming. i can see katy with her pizza pan armour and her indignation. the discomfiture of the adults is good too. will's death and the old man's thought-processes are believable. nice way to take us into katy's future. and my interest is now established as i overhear the telephone call and wonder who is speaking and what his role is. ok, so it's just the pitch i found off-putting. the novel itself begins well and is intriguing although it's not the kind of thing i would normally read. in the next chapter i like the way we are now back int he present with Katy. i think my only reservation is really that for an english person, this is very american - esp. the vocab in ch3. but you probably know that already. still it deserves a spell on my shelf.

i hope you like Blogspot!
Maitreyi

sharon, for me this is too much info in the pitch. i want to be lured in rather than battered with detail. How will i ever remember all this? however, time is short right now, so maybe i am hurrying. i am going to bring my mind to the actual writing later this evening.

Maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Well writtenwith well drawn characters. i like the cat and dog relatonship, a nice light hearted touch. Have read the first five chapters and will read more. A little polish and tighteniing here and there but nothing that jarred or interrupted the smooth flow. On my shelf. Sarah (The Gribblewort)

Dear Sharon,


The Crossing -- Coming Home is back on my bookshelf.

OK, now you are in big trouble. You haven’t made the changes to your synopsis I suggested. No big deal. You probably don’t agree with me. I lose out with my daughter every time.

Just before I read, isn’t there a better word than ‘mystery’ surrounding her grandfather’s death. So many people use mystery and mysterious for sensation that it has become clichéd. Puzzle? Incomprehension? Riddle? Enigma? Dilemma? Doubtful circumstances?

Get Roget’s Thesaurus out, girl an come up with the appropriate noun. That’ll be a lot of fun.

I don’t fault your writing. Can’t compare it with the previous draft. But I do remember it was already pretty tight. If adjectives and adverbs are gone, all the better. They ruin our writing. Seeking the correct noun and verb is the way to go.

OK, I’ve read a lot more now. It’s uncluttered, easy to read and moves fast.

I use all sorts of unnecessary words when trying to get the writing down. But then at edit stage I dump as many as possible.

I see the 1+1 has been fixed.

Hope this is helpful. Do you still owe me a reciprocal read?

Have fun,


Pierre.

Hi Sharon Katherine. What a treat for the senses. You keep the reader stimulated by introducing unexpected tastes and smells. Excellent descriptions. Your characters have punch with active scenes and physical movements. Great choice in clipping from character to character. You still the reader's expectation with fast pacing and deliberate purpose to each chapter. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

hi sharon-

i firstly must confess this would be far from my normal reading material.

therefore having started reading , i was pleasantly surprised. i found both your characters and story engaging, and the pace of the story takes you from scene to scene with an effortless smoothness.

best of luck with this-shelved for a while-TJ

Okay, the only prob I have right now is how a guy with a plat AMEX card, who can leave town at a moment's notice, chartering a jet, stay away as long as he likes to help a friend, but manages to live in what appears to be an ordinary townhouse/duplex where he rents out the other half.
I can see already that something has happened to Grandpa that is related to papers he sent to his granddaughter. At first I wasn't liking that at all, thinking it was a stupid move on Grandpa's part, and since you had them go into Phillip's car I thought they'd come back to find Kate's place ransacked. So, glad it wasn't predictable.

She plays bass. Love it.
Well, got C&W in there with Fantasy. Interesting.
Some punctuation needed. Grammar. Frankly, I believe if a story is strong enough and not too loosely written, then an agency or publisher will be interested enough to have someone in-house do the tightening.
Am moving to next chapter.

Bet you've heard this a bajillion times: Just say AAA. Most people know that that is triple "A" is too cumbersome. SO far, I'm liking Kate. There is tightening up that needs to be done, but you've got me going to the next chapter.

An engaging book. It's well written with a hint of mystery in ch1.

Now I have no objection to prologues, in fact I like them, but apparantly they are frowned on. Don't know why, so to up your chances with a publisher, you might like to think about doing it differently.

You are on my watch list for now. I've got a full shelf, but will make room in a few days I think.

Joanna

Hi, returning the read. First and foremost - sort your hook out! Grandpa Will's accident doesn't even occur until chapter 6, up until then all i've got is a lot of unfocused stuff about the MC's life, loves and passions - to be perfectly honest, i am not that interested unless they are integral to the plot. A good mystery needs to be tight and focused, i feel this novel has multiple personality disorder - chick lit or mystery? the prologue works in that it sets up the tension to come, but not sure the MC sounded like an 8 year old and grandpa's explanations sounded like they were for the reader not his granddaughter. I would preferred a more cryptic or darker opening, something actually happening - the child seeing the neighbors hurting/ hunting an animal that she has grown to love. You are telling this story, you need to show it and you need to rachet up the tension as soon as poss. Sorry for my less the positive comments, i have no special qualifications, i am an unpublished writer - if my comments don't chime with your own niggles then please feel free to ignore me.

I read the first three chapters. I'm certainly not an expert. I loved the early scene of the grandfather/grandaughter exchange. I like old people in stories. You used a lot of description. I pictured everything, some good adjectives, but perhaps overuse. Sounds like a good story.

The sun shines brighter in Texas!

Norma Davis (A Scorched Family)

Well I read the first 7 chapters after starting out to read the first 3 or 4, That says you're doing some things right, This is well written. It's outside my normal genres and a little slower paced than most of the stuff I'm used to. That's not all bad. You used the first few chapters to establish characters who felt solid and relationships with potential, along with the beginnings of a mystery. Would I read on? Yeah. Actually I'll keep it on my watch list and hopefully read more once I get through my read swap commitments.

Hello Sharon, all I can say is excellent writing. Your prose is fluid and your dialogue natural. Your story moves at a good clip. I found myself engaged from the start. I will put you on my shelf the minute I can take someone else down. (I just put them all up so they should at least stay a bit.)

Hello Sharon, all I can say is excellent writing. Your prose is fluid and your dialogue natural. Your story moves at a good clip. I found myself engaged from the start. I will put you on my shelf the minute I can take someone else down. (I just put them all up so they should at least stay a bit.)

I am entering chapter 9 and have to say that I like this so far. The visuals are great and I love how you don't treat the reader like a dummy. For instance, in the end of 8 when the character says he's convinced he's been swithced at birth. From that statement we can derive that he is in cahoots with his brother for this 'thing' they are looking for, he is the leader of a group of at least the three of them and the brains behind the operation. Too many times authors feel like they have to spoon feed the reader. Thank you for giving us some credit and for letting us have our own 'a-ha!' moments.
~Michelle

ETA: I read this 'cover to cover'. My original statement stands throughout the book. Shelved.

Hi Sharon - thought I would drop by (finally) and leave you a comment. What a great first paragraph, and your first chpt just fizzed by effortlessly. Lovely stuff. The relationship between Kate and her grandfather is nicely set up, but without being too obviously 'tell'-y. The dialogue really helps so early on - I'm sure that's where our pace comes from, and you write it very well. I only had three small quibbles in the four chpt I read:

- "eight-years-old": hyphenated. Really?
- "Shit.": at the end of chpt 1. I think you're probably entitled to an exclamation mark here, m'dear. The poor girl has just dented her kneecap. Very painful. Like stepping on an up-turned plug (the European variety has three pins);
- "SUV[.]": you're missing the full stop here.

In general, some very good writing. If I'm honest, I didn't think this would be my personal cup of tea, but you kept my attention. You've also cleverly weaved some flirtation into the narrative, with some subtle hint at more to come. Nicely done. I shall give you a moment on my shelf. Best of luck with this - sestius

Sharon, This is terrific writing. Very well crafted with rich dialogue. But most important, it's entertaining. I'm putting this wonderful story on my book shelf. I know I'll be disappointed when I get to chapter 42 and the writing ends.
Good luck with this Sharon. You are definately a very talented writer. Hope to see you by-pass the editors desk and go straight to publication.
Jan

Hi Sharon
It took me a while to warm to this, but I reached chapter 6 with ease and relised that I had warmed very much indeed.
I like Kate. She's a well developed character and your writing is fairly tight. I wasn't convinced about your opening. It's a long sentence: yes it's atmospheric and introduces her fantasty world, but I wonder whether it is good enough to capture a browsing reader in a book shop.
When Katy speaks I thought she sounded older than 8 (based on my 9 year old girl). Would she say Grandpa Will rather than just Grandpa?
There are two chapter 1's according to authonomy. I almost missed the real one and had to go back after 2 to open it. Not sure what's happened and don't know how you fix it.
I felt Will's crash could have been more developed. It all seems very clinical/remote. I thought teer would be panic as he fought for control.
Very minor point: I guess "eased up on the accelerator " is a US expression, rather than "eased off it". However in those conditions maybe he would take his foot off completely.
His last "conscious thought focussed..." again very clinical. Do we need "focussed"? I think not.
Great ending to chapter 1. This was the best of the six.
"tortured" schedule just jarred a bit in chapter 2.
End of chapter 5 (I think). "Online she was the bomb." - Bomb? I don't get this expression.

So overall, I think this is well written adn absorbing. I'm not convinced bout your prologue. It sets the scene, but perhaps intrigue should be here. alternatively start with Will's crash and perhaps the hint of the mystery. The flashback could come later with Kate thinking about the time they discussed the Crossing. Just a thought.

This is the sort of book I can well imagine continuing to read to understand what is going to happen. That's the problem with this site, you read a piece and move on. If only we could print it out and settle down in that well-worn leather armchair. Oh well, the shelf will have to suffice.

Good luck
Murray
The Jin Deception

Hi Sharon,

Charming ch 1! Then I'm not sure what happened but your second ch 1 seemed to start something else with Grandpa having an accident and a nameless person getting the news. Was that chapter 2? Then it got going again in the chapter labeled 2. Anyway, with or without it, there seem to be some sequencing issues.

Overall you have a good story, with good characters. Kate is well drawn and real, both in her pet mishaps and friend issues. I didn't get a real sense of what anyone looked like though so whenever they appeared, I had to think of where they fit. Setting a tighter scene might help that by giving us reference points to characters.

I do think you have a tendency to (oh god, don't say it) tell us what's happening instead of showing us. That happens when you set out every step a character takes. Sort of like directing a scene.

Example: Bursting through the front door, she kicked backwards to close it, sidestepped Connal, her Irish Setter, and dumped her backpack on the dining room table. Her answering machine light beckoned and she detoured by the kitchen counter to check out the latest crisis.

This could be tightened up considerably: The front door swung open, nearly hitting the big Irish setter lying on the mat. She kicked the door closed and dropped her backpack on the dining room table, her attention drawn to the blinking light on the answering machine. Three messages. What now?

Or something like that. My point is that there are several places you use step by step action when a lot of it could and should be left to the imagination. If an author does his/her job, the images s/he creates in the reader's mind handle what isn't said because it's already implied.

It also seems to be taking a long time for the story to get going. I stopped at Ch 9 and we still don't have any idea why Grandpa Will died or who caused the accident that killed him (or how that charming first ch1 relates) , though we do know it wasn't an accident. A little more foreshadowing could help that issue.

Be careful of POV switches too. You need to insert a space break or start a new chapter to change POV.

I think you should use AAA instead of "triple A". It's okay to use proper names of companies or products as long as you don't defame them. Actually that usually helps--like saying Ritz crackers instead of just crackers. It breathes life.

You've got a good story going here; it just needs some tightening up and some scenes added so it moves along a little faster. But overall, it's good character-driven fiction. ~Barb

Hi Sharon
Nice writing. You have a good story here.
I particularly loved Phillip. He was great.
I read the story all the way through, which meant that it hooked me.
My comments:
Kate takes a long time to do anything about her grandfather’s request, February to May, and then you jump to July and still nothing seems to be happening.
In chapter 10, where you say, “Kate grabbed a throw pillow off the sofa and fired”—I couldn’t work out if she had suddenly acquired a gun (if so, from where?) or whether you just meant she threw the pillow.
Chapters 10 & 12 confused me a little. I had to re-read them to work out what was going on. Nothing major, but I still got confused.
I felt that the story started very strong, then fell away between chapters 10-19 before coming back strongly after that. You might like to flesh these out more.
Probably the thing I would like to see you change most about the story was the way you cut away when something was happening, and then came back to it after the event and told us about it. I want to see it when it’s happening, I don’t want to hear about it later. What happened between Kate and Phillip from May to July, how Kate got invited to New York, the phone call from the university professor, what Grampa Will had told Toby and Pops, how the sting failed and so on.
You also convey a lot of detail in conversation, which can work, but in some sections of your story they come across as great big information dumps.
You rush the story occasionally. Slow down and tell it. I really think it’s important to hear about the smuggling of illegal workers and drugs first-hand, not afterwards when someone else is talking about they have said.
I feel that you need to flesh out the mystery a little more and take the time to tell the story as it happens.
Your romance is spot on. You really do that well. (Except for the missing months between May and July.)
For all the above comments, I really enjoyed this, therefore your book is also on my shelf.

Sharon,
Great story you have here. I like the characters and the pacing of the story. Sounds like this is going to unfold into a nice adventure.
A few things I noticed. For one, it shows chapters: 1 1 2 3 4, etc. I read chapter one, which is your prologue. While I was on it, the other "1" would not let me click on it, so I assumed it was just the same. Then I went to chapter 2 and started reading about Katie. I wanted to bounce back to chapter one and clicked on the 'other' 1 and it took me to the chapter about grandpa driving. So, that's a problem that needs fixing, because I ended up reading it in the wrong order. Probably a problem with the way it got loaded.
Other stuff:
The metaphor about Artemis I got, but it is a bit obscure, unless you explain it more, many may not get it.
The 'pitchers and ears' is a bit obscure too. I've heard it before, but can't quite remember what it means.
The pizza pan breastplate needs a bit more explaining. I had to read it a couple of times before I got it.
In Chapter 2 you said she had a handful of part time jobs. That sounds....hard to believe, because it sounds like 4-5. If you said she had three part-time jobs, I would feel like it was more realistic and I would really have sympathy for her.
And lastly, "Triple A" would probably read better as "AAA".
Looking back at this, it sounds a bit harsh, but I wouldn't have spent time on it if I didn't think it had possibilities.
You have a great story here that just needs a bit of fixing up and polishing. Good luck with it!

Jeff

Hi Sharon

I wasn't entirely sure I was going to enjoy The Crossing; Coming Home, as it is not what I would browse in the stores to buy, but after reading through until chapter 5 I Started to feel I was getting to know your characters.
You have Natural Talent.
The writing, as well as the actual story, moves at a pleasant pace and looks tight and structured.
Sorry I can't give you anymore comments on the literary aspect of your writing (I just dont know enough about it to comment) but I will say, you have a very professional style.

Good Luck and all the best Sharon.
Shelved.

Sharon,

I have only just started reading - but you have me hooked and I will be back for more. You're writing is real - not overdone but vivid and clean. I only feel bad that I did not have more time with Will before we lost him. I am backing your book and look forward to going further!

Sharon, your first sentence should by reworked so that you do not have grandmother Belle’s since her name is Belle not Belle’s. Thus, ‘Eight-year-old Katy . . . in the kitchen of her grandmother Belle . . .’ This story has a promising start with the child in the kitchen, which is a nice scene, but then you get Will to tell me about Brand’s Crossing. If this information is important, you need to impart to me in such a way that I don’t realise you are giving me some information. As it is, Will’s discourse is a jolt.

The accident at the start of Chapter 2 is spoiled by you telling me stuff about the boxes. Leave that out and just show me the accident. The next part baffled me and it took me a while to work out what was happening.

These short chapters would work very much more effectively if you removed those parts which did not show me the story. They are too short to allow yourself to tell me anything. The lack of continuation from one chapter to the next, combined with their brevity, makes the narrative rather disjointed.

My impression of this is that it lacks focus. You have several substantial ideas at the start of the novel, each of which is undeveloped. Because you start with Katy as a child with Will telling her (me) about Brand’s Crossing, I expected this be part of the story that follows. It isn’t, not directly. Thus, the first two chapters constitute a false start and the story re-begins at Chapter 3. To my mind, the first two chapters are misplaced and are even, perhaps, redundant because all they do is tell me about the mystery which Kate has solve. You should start with Chapter 3 and weave in the stuff from the first two chapters as and when necessary. The mystery is diminished by the first two chapters. They do not heighten it.

I've just started reading, but I'm backing it already. Great work!

Seems to be two chapter 1's - a prologue and an epilogue?

'...bound to give him grief..." It's a good line, and also revealing of Belle's reputation and character, but would you really be thinking like that in that situation?

"We can hope," the listener... should be... "We can hope." The listener... only use the comma when your describing how the person is speaking, thus...

"This is what I mean," Tom said. "Do you see?" OR "This is what I mean." Tom gestured to the computer screen. "Do you see?"

"She'd roared into Nashville..." good line!

OK, I've read three chapters, and while the pace is good, the constant scene shifts are hard to adjust to. Did we really need the scene of gramps going into the drink? Or the prologue of an 8yo Kate? Why not jump straight into the story of Kate in 2008? You can work in any necessary backstory into your narrative along the way.

I would also suggest, and this just my NSHO, you stick with one of your POV characters for a longer period in the beginning, maybe a whole chapter rather than half or less of very short chapters. Once we have who's who firmly established in our little brains, then we won't be so thrown by the change of setting. I mean, I can follow what you're doing, but I am concentrating too much on working out where and when and who to follow your burgeoning plot.

Best wishes with this, and take all opinions with a grain of salt.

Regards,

TomW

Sharon, This has the feel of a published book. Very well written, convincing characters and I had no trouble at all picturing the scenery. It reminds me of a film I watched a good few years back, a dirt crossroads, a Fedex parcel getting delivered, God what was it?
This was a good read, and I think you got the dialogue spot on.
Well done, its on my shelf
Sue

Hi Sharon,

I think you've got an interesting story here but I have a few suggestions. I found some of the dialogue a bit hard to swallow in the first chapter. I think some of the back story you're trying to tell might be better as prose than as dialogue -- I just don't think anyone would talk to a little kid that way. I could be wrong -- maybe it's worth asking around. I'm not from TX but I've got family there and on the rare occasion it gets snowy or icy the whole state practically shuts down, so I'm wondering where exactly Grandpa Will is that this icy weather is normal? Just one writer's opinion, but I hope it was constructive.

T

Dear Sharon,

OK, here we go girl. I read prologue, epilogue (after I found it by mistake, hee, hee), chapters one and two and reckon I have sufficient feel to talk to you.

Without further ado, The Crossing: Coming Home is on my bookshelf. Had me engaged.

Rik is messing you around with 1 1 2 3 etc. I found your prologue readily enough, but was forced to continue directly to chapter 1. Only when I wanted to check something in your prologue and clicked on the second 1, did I find your epilogue. A lot of readers will miss it. Perhaps not serious.

Accomplished writing. It certainly had me engaged. Character driven with good mix between dialogue and direct action.

I reckon, you can do better with not too much labor. Piece of cake in fact. These are my thoughts.

Pitch is good. Synopsis, I reckon the sentences are slightly over-written. For instance the ‘over-achieving family’ is key. It communicates everything. It sets the tone. The ‘loving’ might be considered superfluous as it steals attention from the key statement.

I love the unexpected verb ‘roars’. Envious of that. I would love to tweak your synopsis, deleting adjectives and adverbs, superfluous words, tightening the sentences as much as possible. Say we get rid of 20% of what’s there.

The key elements will shine. I would then divide that wad of copy into three or four paragraphs and insert a line-space between each. Attractive, bite-size paras, inviting readership, good visual presentation for them editors.

As I said. Piece of cake.

OK, as long as you’re not reaching for the baseball bat, let me mess with your work some more. Make no mistake, it’s lekker (delicious). All I’m doing is tweaking and polishing.

I was not impressed with nine adjectives and/or adverbs in that first paragraph sentence of the prologue. I think they ruin your writing. I wanna see ‘em out. I wanna see your stuff ‘stark’. Don’t know what your reaction is. John Steinbeck would agree with me. (Journal of a Novel, his notes while he was putting East of Eden together.)

You pulled me into the story quickly and firmly. And I stayed engaged. Accolades for that.

Overall, I would tend to tighten sentences. Superfluous words out. Adjectives and adverbs out. Leaving the key stuff to wow the reader. Difficult to accept, but the right thing to do. We’re talking polishing, hey.

Last night I dropped an essay onto ‘Writing’ on Forum. ‘How I wrote and sold my first novel.’ Probably have you howling with laughter at me. But it’s true and there may be some food for thought there.

Thanks for letting me read your stuff. It’s good.

Kind regards,

Pierre.

Sharon,
Wow, what a great story, it is so easy to read,
I loved the first scene, it shows the relationship between kate and her grandfather,,
I'm backing this book ;)

Good luck,
Kimmy

Hi Sharon,

I read your first seven chapters.

This is such a cool, quirky story.

You started with a wonderful, atmospheric Prologue that got me hooked. Chapter one was nicely mysterious. And the hook at the end of the chapter was excellent. The following chapters kept building until chapter seven and Kate gets news of Grampa's accident. What a ride!

Your characterization of Kate shows she has attitude and talent and smarts.

Your descriptions are evocative. For example, 'In her grandmother's kitchen, surrounded by the cozy aroma of roasting chicken, lemon furniture polish, and fresh herbs . . .' I'm there.

Your dialogue is youthful and sassy. The conversations flow well and are entertaining.

Your pacing hooked me and held my attention.

Only two suggested edits.

"We can hope," the listener shifted the phone . . . Period after 'hope' and capitalize 'the.'

These are insignificant lapses and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your quirky story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

I've mangaed to come back to read a bit more after 23 days (apparently). I was not diappointed. The story moves along very well, the writing remains tight and fluid and I now want to know what Grandpa's deathbed plea means too. My only quibble would be my dislike of rhetorical questions, such as: What was she doing here? Explain what? What if Betsy had a chain saw? - but this is a very personal thing. Wherever possible I would always change them into statements.

Paul House (Common Places)

Hi Sharon,
The prologue is very good, I like your use of words to set the mood, very good on the detail and the images it creates. I do think there are a few sentences that need to be broken up a bit, the first one especially. But, I love the dialogue, I'm really enjoying this.
Chapter one just the same, more vivid images, more smooth style, I can't really find a flaw with your writing. The only thing I would look at is sentence length, use of commas and length of paragraphs - I think some are too short.
On my shelf....

Hi Sharon,
five chapters in and no choice but to shelve.
A deep and interesting mc, vivid scenes, great writing and my favourite thing in the literary world - intrigue.
Cheers,
Simon

Whoops! Told you it would be a while before I came back, but I made it back only two days later, and I LOVE THIS BOOK! It's so much like something I'd write it's almost scary! Great descriptives, just enough but not too many. First time I've ever heard someone else use the "double digit IQ" thing. I call them the two-digit-IQ-people, although I sometimes just shorten it to "in-laws." The lamp throwing thing: been there, done that, same lamp twice, and on the receiving end. Like the first blamed the dog, then sniffed her own sweatshirt, made me check my own pits. Hope my grandkids come a running like Kate did for Will, but I don't have any...yet. Already getting fond of Kate, even if I did figure out before she did that Robby and his bimbo friend were up to something other than a sex romp at her place.

Wow. I've really enjoyed reading this. I read the first 4 chapters, and I must say I love your style. The way your words flow is great, and the story is fascinating. One great sign of how good this is is that Kate jumps from subject to subject (answering machine, music, art, clothes, cat, etc.), and it all still makes perfect sense. The book does the same thing, and I still wasn't left confused. Great job, and I look forward to reading more.

Hi, Sharon,
Your Kate is easily as much of a multi-faceted character as is my favorite celluloid herione bearing the name Kate (on Lost, played by Evangeline Lilly). Your writing style, the way you often inject a little dig into your literary conversations makes the story seem very real. I liked the way you described Will just before he went off the bridge (...had to get his tired old ass home...), a simple self effacing description but once again, smacks of realism, takes you into his thought process, and shows how he views himself and his late-stage place in the order of all things important going on around him.

Shelved it, will return for a full reading when I get caught up, and delve more deeply into the story.

Sharon, I thought I'd backed this ages ago, but I don't seem to have. Well, I am now! This is a well-told story with a sympathetic main character and an intriguing plot. Shelved.

Sharon,
I mean to come back to this, and moreover, I meant to back this. I forgot, but that will now be rectified!
I have only one comment, and that is that at times your POV wobbles a bit. For example in the chapter where the grandfather dies, you are in Kathy's POV, and then you swap to Phil. I found that a bit distracting.

Sharon,

I really like your book thus far; I also think your pitch is good, except that it probably should be more than one long paragraph.

I read the first four chapters, and they kept my attention the entire time. I'm already wanting to know why Kate's grandfather has been run off the bridge. What could he possibly have said or done at that meeting? And how does the Listener know his granddaughter? How has he tracked her down? Was he there when she was growing up?

Kate is an interesting and obviously complex character. She has achieved much in her life already, and it seems that she is capable of doing even more, except for the fact that she had that childhood. No doubt it will end up getting in her way, but something tells me, it will all be worth it to her.

Overall, your writing is smooth and very much alive. I think your greatest ability is in that you "show" rather than "tell" what your characters are about, which makes for good easy reading. I'm shelving this. Susie Parker, Author of "Foul Player."

Sharon,
You create a world in your novel that is full and enjoyable, with fun people and interesting dynamics. I regretted reading the last page because I had come to look forward to spending time with them. Nice work. Thank you for the fun read!
Melissa Howell

Hey Sharon: wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed the book. I can't really think of any pearls of wisdom to give you: it's well written and an enjoyable read! Hope you have success with it: I'll be rooting for you!
Shannon

This is a very engaging story. I love the characters. I'm happy to put this book on my bookshelf! Vicki Fitzgerald

Hi Sharon,

I really like this. The premise is intriguing (and certainly one I can relate to - even the first scene takes place, like in the Mango Orchard, in grandmother's kitchen!) and the writing has a sure but deft touch. The pacing is superb and it is compelling to read.

Just a couple of minor things:
- Didn't think the word 'scrolled' worked in para 7 of chapter 2, and wondered if you needed to have 'February Rain' in the first line of chapter 3 when the chapter heading (was it a heading?) had already said it was February

I'll see if i can squeeze it onto my shelf.

all the best

robin

Okay, now that I've read ch. 18 I see your descpription of GenEcho. So, nevermind on that last comment!
Shannon

Hey Sharon: still enjoying the read. One question: what is Genecho? I'm assuming it's supposed to be some sort of magazine? It may something that everyone else in the world is familiar with but me, but I didn't know if you'd want to give a little description ("Genecho, Austin's premiere magazine for the super cool and uber hip") of it.
Can't wait to see what Will got himself killed over!
Thanks for putting "Grace" on your watch-list. Any advice you have is appreciated.
Shannon