The Cure for the Soul

The wonderful thing about literary work is that the writer can constantly evolve it like waves crashing to shore. Never settle for your early drafts, but mold and clip and toss and stir and stew and reposition. I read your synopsis, which is promising. The story you've lain out in the first three paragraphs hints at the passion of Romeo and Juliet and the complications of your tale.

A few suggestions. I have a little trick I use. I chose a pleasing sentence and switch it to the beginning of the chapter, often the last sentence of the first paragraph. I switch first and second paragraphs. I cut the paragraph in half and start with part b as opposed to a.

I feel as though the bones have been laid for this work, but the flesh is not yet finished firming upon the bones. The skin has yet to glisten. But the bones are firm and strong and promising.

Lots of 'the's and 'that's in the first sentence. Check your rhythm. Read aloud to see what works best for you. The fewer words the better. Choose your places to drop your information, like piecing a puzzle together. Do not repeat information (twice in the first three paragraphs, the reader is told he received news).

'The moon was full on that hot summers evening with a breeze off the sea that quickly dried' (this is where the rhythm is lost in the introduction of a second 'the' after two 'that's, and then following this, yet another that). You might end the sentence there. 'The moon was full on that hot summers evening with a breeze off the sea that quickly dried his tears. Andreas eyes stared vacantly.'

'Everyday since' doesn't really seem to fit the era or tone of this work. I try to get into the zone of each wip (at this point I'm working on several) before I begin writing. Perhaps: 'Each day since he had reached the shores of Kypros, he would sit and watch the evening tide, waiting for his Kyra.' I left out 'that rolled in at the rock of Aphrodite' because it halted the rhythm--I'm not sure if it's the additional 'that' or simply too many words before the punchline. You could describe the tide in the next sentence, the way the waves crested and chased each other to the rock of Aphrodite. You might mention Aphrodite is the goddess of love.

I would save the mention of her death for a punchline. Let the reader get a sense of his emotions and the wait. I think the mention of her death should be made by saying she'd taken her own life. I would mention first that she believed Andreas to be dead. Then I would start the third paragraph with your well written description of his emotions. But you might mention beforehand where exactly he was sitting. Maybe, maybe not, because you don't want to repeat the information, but you also don't want to startle the reader who might believe he'd thrown himself onto the rocks. Maybe: 'Andreas' heart felt heavy like the salty sea as he fell back upon the weathered stones, on which he sat, like a drunken man.' A little awkward, but you see what I mean. Maybe 'Andrea's heart felt heavy like the salty sea as, like a drunken man, he fell back upon the weathered stones on which he sat.' Maybe you should just mention at the onset that each day he climbed down onto the rocks to sit and watch the tide. No sense messing up a good sentence.

Your editing improves as the chapter continues and I'm drawn into the lovely words of love and the lovemaking. So many typo's, though. It's an intriguing tale already. I'll shelve this for a moment for its potential. Good luck with it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx with you all the way, love & light, Mia. xx

Hi MorningMoon. I'm a sucker for a starcrossed lovers story. Love the concept, and The Beginning was a solid introduction.

I noted a few grammatical and spelling probs, but nothing that can't be fixed quickly enough. One thing you might want to do an edit for is how much you're telling us, rather than showing. It tends to divorce the reader from the story and keep it somewhat passive. A more active tone would draw us in better.

Either way, I still enjoyed it. I hope I've been helpful.

Cheers
Chris.

Dear MorningMoon,

Please remember me for a return read. I read, critiqued and backed you amonth ago.

Regards,

Pierre.

Hi, just had a look at the first chapter. To tell the truth, i was a bit surprised when i started reading. Somehow, from your pitch, i was expecting non-fiction! But it was enjoyable, so it didn't matter!

I took some notes, mostly typos/grammatical errors. Some of them were repeated over and over, so i wasn't sure if it was your personal dialect, but here they are, in case they're of use to you:

'Andreas eyes' – 'Andreas' eyes'
'To saturated' – 'Too saturated'
'Andreas heart' – 'Andreas' heart'
'Cornelius and he' – 'he and Cornelius'
'Kypelos sumptious' -' Kypelos' sumptious'
'Aphrodite” he laughed' – 'Aphrodite,” he laughed'

A lot of possessive commas missing.
A lot of commas after speech missing.

'can not' – 'cannot' (twice)
'starved cross lover' – 'star crossed lover' ?
'over ride by' – 'overridden by'
'worst than' – 'worse than'
'like beast' – 'like beasts'
'Andreas kick' – 'Andreas kicked'
'near by' – 'nearby'
'bribe' – 'bribed'
'With a solid blow against the head...' effective, straight into the action.
'abandon' – 'abandoned' (twice)
'frighten' – 'frightened
'not ever' – 'never'
'cough' – 'coughed'
'open' – 'opened'
'laid a crossed' – 'lay across'

For standard English, you do need to go through and have a bit of an edit to catch these, but obviously this is only a technical glitch.

I particularly like the ancient Greek setting, it's so well done. Good luck with this!

Oh Lucy :)

Thank you... but thrills my heart is that you enjoyed it. That pleasure of artistry is the for me.

I am DELIGHTED! Much love and hugs to you. Enjoy your wkend my dear!

*XXX*

I thought I'd just have a quick scan.... A few hours ago!!!

You are a beautiful soul, who has lovingly created a wonderful piece of art. Such feeling and vision and serentity and passion all interwoven. Thank you.xxx
Lucy

AJK!

I can see my love spell is WORKING! lol
Next you will be telling me you have fallen in love again... la la la :-)

Thanks Sweetheart, me like being on yourself shelf... in book form that is lol

Enjoy *X*

hi..onto my shelf!!

Hello Pierre :)

Thank YOU very much for taking the time and for adding it to your book shelf. I am honoured. And I make of note of your instructions. Good luck with your drafts... looking forward to it.

Till next time *X*

Dear MorningMoon,

Cure for the Soul is now on my bookshelf.

I would like to see you simplify this. It reads a bit slow, complicated and not easy to follow.

You can tighten the writing by taking words and phrases out of sentences. I do it all the time. Or write shorter sentences. Brief, crisp and to the point. Again, when I rewrite my stuff, I tighten it as much as possible.

It may be a fetish with me, buy I'm uncomfortable with the past participle. I reconstruct the sentence and use past tense.

The feel I got was that the descriptions were a little over the top and might be toned down,

I'm in the middle of a big rewrite now, progressing from third draft to fourth draft. I find I can get away without 'he said....she said'. I merely start each piece of dialogue on a new line and let it stand alone. The dialogue drives the story forward.

You might like to try it. I thought your dialogue was a bit buried and could stand alone. Don't know what you think.

Go well with your work.

Kind regards. Pierre.

Thank you very much! No need for an apology. I like honesty.
Yes the males get poetic at some stages... some which seem a bit "out of character" in "real life" but don’t we all...well some of us anyway. The point was to show another side of men, get a little deeper, a bearing of the soul if you will and feel safe to do so. At times we all” step out of character" and into ourselves, which often show a different perspective of us...

The story is about soul that have reincarnated for this time with purpose... which reveal more later in the book as well what that purpose was. And YES... the book was written to deliver a message; it is its sole purpose in being written. It is more of a parable I guess than anything. Frankly I don’t how to classify it ... because it doesn’t fall into any genre I can think of... but that is ok too... we all can do with something new every once in awhile... isn’t that the point of being a creator... to expand to something beyond the known? I think so :)

Also the story was written in order to get the reader to experience it with emotion more than thought. To down deep, pass the consciousness into the unconsciousness and onward to your spirit. That is why it is written the way it is on many levels of beingness.

I GREATLY appreciate your time given, it is truly a blessing to me and I am honoured by your review.

Enjoy your holiday my friend, much love and blessing extended to you

This was a beautiful start ,o what is clearly an original idea.Your characters have great warmth and your style of writing is unique. Sorry it took me so long to getting round to reading!!
Looking at your comments below..what book on here is perfect ? All have typos and better ways of phrasing but its so important for you to stay true as how you feel the story should be. Its fine to tweek things if it will help it find a publisher but compromise is everything. This is lovely and romantic and I am sure women will have this tucked in their holiday luggage! Good luck!!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH Annie! I appreciate you taking the time to do what you have done :)

Yes, there are changes that have to be made for sure. But in regards to style and what is taught on writting, with respect to this method... I am not a follower. I have my own style of writting that works best for me and I will stick to it unless I change natural in the course of expansion of my abilities.

The book ahs been published since Febuary and so far the reviews on both sides of the Atlantic have been brilliant. I do realize I have an "old english" way of writting but that is how my mind works. And yes I have notice newer books written in this format you have mention... frankly it doesnt appeal to my poetic side lol

For me witting is like painting or any other art form, it should express unquiness of the artist. Yes, I am a rebel of the status quo but if I wasnt I wouldnt be me. I am brave enough to do it my way and trust enough to believe that there are others in flow with me :)

Having said that my heart is beaming over your review and it is again greatly appreciated. I want you to know this my dear. I look forward to reading your book, a bit of you and who you are... like all works of art.

Thanks again Annie :)

Hi AJ.

Thank you for adding my book to your list. I've just had a read of yours and thought that you have quite a good idea for a story. I think that the finished product could be quite enthralling.

However, there are some things that need to be looked at before that. There are a number of problems with the text, some of which I've outlined below.

There are quite a lot of run-on sentences, and multiple, misplaced phrases. In my writing course, I was taught that modern publishers prefer shorter, more to-the-point sentences. Sentences that are snappy, and tell you exactly what you need to know. No more!

First sentence is too long. You need a comma after 'evening.'
'Had failed traumatically,' doesn't really add to the flow of the book. Whatever word you choose to put there, should be the end of one sentence. The next word should start another.

Edits:
to saturated - too saturated
Kypelos ... stories - Kypelos'. . . stories.
"Yes" said Kypelos - "Yes," said Kypelos
"Would you be her Adonis then" - "Would you be her Adonis then?"
its too dangerous - it's too dangerous
a vessels - a vessel
Andreas cough - Andreas coughed

Misplaced phrases like:
He had accompanied Cornelius . . . 'when they went to pay a visit to...' should come after the word, 'holiday' and not where it is placed at the moment.
jokingly he derided. - you don't need both these words
length of his shoulders - height of his shoulders
Emptied his lungs which formed bubbles
A curtain open?

I hope that this is helpful. These are just some of the things I noticed. Getting rid of these would help your reader to relax into your story. Having to read a sentence two or three times to get the meaning of it, just takes away from it.

I'll be happy to have another go, after your edits. I think you have great ideas here.

best wishes,
Anne

sounds very, very intriguing!! Will read when I can!! I thought it was a self help book from the title but it looks like a fine romantic read!!

Dear Morning Moon,

Thank you for the friend request. With pleasure. I have watchlisted The Cure for the Soul and will be able to get around to it in about five days time. In Ireland, don't you get westerly gales bashing you? Have fun with your work. regards. Pierre.

I hope EVERYONE enjoy the chapters I have posted... please feel free to give your reviews. All is welcome.

Thank you :)

Morningmoon