A Day of Regret

Well written and toes a fine line neatly with the subject matter - my only suggestion is to flesh out the opening paragraphs & possibly give the dialogue between the characters more slur.. try to make them sound a little more like teenagers who shorten & combine words. Think txt messages.

backed

Rob

Alex is very tender and awkward - so real to life. Can't wait to read more. once the story is complete in first draft, i would recommend adding more flesh to the bones. The short chapters, while vivid, seem a bit sparse. Paint a more complete picture with dialog, even if it's the internal dialog Alex has with himself. Take us deeper into his psyche.

tyler
In Search of Me / Alex

Hey, have read all that is currently uploaded. Can see that with some work it could be an interested story. I think if the teachers are going to treat Alex harsher than a known bully then Alex's behaviour is going to have to seem to be worse. Perhaps, the bully can be really good at something, an instrument or something, so that he gets special privilages and the teachers let him off with erractic behaviour because he's gifted.

Anyway, I'll be back to read more of this 'cus the chatper 8 'work in progress' page annoyed me.

Sta xx (age 22)

Hi Jeremy! I like how your book begins. Very cute. You do the little touches well, like the kids laughing because Alex missed the bus. I really like how Alex and Andy meet. Very tender. The kiss right away is an interesting twist, although Alex might have reacted more strongly. If I could make one suggestion, it would be for you to think of a twist on the confrontation with Ben. It reads a tad bit done already. Think of a way that makes this uniquely yours. For example, maybe go more with Alex standing up to him and Ben being confused by it. Or maybe Alex goes along with the "gay" label, and starts jokingly coming on to Ben, making him very nervous and silly. Something that sets it apart yet puts across what you want in that chapter.

In any case, I have to tell you something of great importance that will be the best suggestion you will receive on this book...

Finish it! You asked the question, and I know I would like to know what happens. Clearly you have a story to tell here, and it is important that books like this get out there. Good luck with this work and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

P.S. Oh, I love chapter 8, too. :)

There are a lot of typos, but you can iron those out by reading aloud and/or working with an editor. For example, many of your sentences lack end punctuation, or put end punctuation before the dialogue tag.

Still, I think your work deserves more attention and feedback; I hope my backing it will help it get both.

As for the content, you present an immediately engaging main character; Alex seems average in some ways but different in others. I think countless readers will relate to him, regardless of their sexual orientation.


Chapter 1
>by the shrieking cry of his mother, “Boy…”
You don’t need the new paragraph you currently have before “Boy.”

>For a moment he pause
Tense shift? There are a few other places where you switch to present tense verbs, though the narrative is in past tense.

Chapter 2

The opening sentence is a bit hard to follow and might work better rephrased or broken into two sentences.


Chapter 3

We start to get at the tension: a fear of being rejected because of other people’s prejudice. Nicely handled in the context of a friendship.

Chapter 4

The tension heightens, and we see why Alex worries about prejudice. It’s definitely something real, and something dangerous, in his school. Worse yet, no one seems to care; your scene, unfortunately, is all too real way too often.

Please consider reading and reviewing one of the stories from my authonomy submission The Acorn Stories. One you might like is “Survival,” which involves a small-town teacher who’s both deaf and gay.

I was drawn to this by the synopsis. Sounds like an interesting story.
Minor typos I won't be dropping you off like (a) did yesterday.
One word I really hate is Gotten.
Looking as though he'd dressed in the dark?

Happy to give this a spin on the shelf
Good luck and best wishes
Sue

Hi there,
I like the 'real' feel to your opening, I could hear the mother screeching and I could see the boy opening his 'crystal' blue eyes. Immediately, I was into your story and feeling for the MC as he made his way to the bus stop, poor lad. IMO, you write well, I think this will appeal to your target audience and that they will identify with your MC and his surroundings. I am going to read on and come back with another comment, I am snowed under with editing and the like as I trying to stay on the editor's desk for May at the moment. In the meanwhile, this is on my SHELF!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

OMGosh!!!