True Love

Hi there - just extending the hand of friendship.

I'm still fairly new to the site, but I've found it to be an extremely constructive and rewarding experience so far, though it does pay to have a thick skin sometimes.

Backing books, making friends – that seems to be the way to raise the profile, so here I am. It would be fantastic to hear from you.

http://www.authonomy.com/books/44385/heart-on-fire/read-book/#chapter

Hi there, back for a more in-depth read as promised (was on nightshift for last review). I saw a lot of things going on beneath the surface here - power relationships and public schools, with sex being used almost as a weapon, a means of subjugation for people. I think it was the socks being put on that horrified me; fagging, this practice is known as, in the UK's private boarding schools. The notion of a senior boy using younger boys as slaves, and all that that might entail. The notion of Francis being HIV was horrifying, as was Silas' meek quality; he very nearly gives in. Thought-provoking work, very well written.

P

You have an interesting premise and handle the complex subject matter delicately. The complexities of the main character's relationships and emotional responses are believable and compelling (though from the first chapter it feels like getting ready to watch a train wreak). While it's well-written, it would be nice to get some more sensory description, especially in a way that would play up the erotic tension. Or just to help with the setting.
Good work so far.

It is dark, there's no doubt about it... not my cup of tea at all, but well-written.

This sounds like my cup of tea, so backed for reading later

We'll you warned us this was a dark story... I was totally gripped.You handle a difficult subject extremly well. I was totally absorbed in what I was reading, Francis is such a complex character as his relationship with Silas but you write so beautifully that it just flows...

Backed.

Love Bev,
Thicker Than Water & Love Overbaord

This is an amazing story. Its so powerful. Chapter 4 through me off a bit at first, but now I think I understand. Or as much as you allowed me to understand. The way you write is brilliant. I can't wait to read more...

This is powerful stuff.

Like your other readers, I find myself puzzled by Chapter 4.

I tend to feel that this is a book that will struggle for publication.

Would a gay man want to read about this humiliation?

Would a straight man want to read it at all?

What would any woman, straight or gay, get from it?

My only suggestion is that you look at some books about obsessive love such as "Manon Lescaut " They might show you how to better convey what's in the mind of Silas.

Good luck.

I mean that whether you listen to me or not.

Alexander French

This is bleak and disturbing stuff (reminded me of the film La Mal Educacion in some ways), but there are also some pints of subtlety here as well. There do appear to be plenty of people, gay and straight, male and female who not only drift into relationships that look physically and emotionally exploitative – at least to outsiders, but also seem almost to revel in them, to become addicted to them, so I can believe the premise to the point.

I think that it is believable that even Silas doesn’t seem fully to understand why he allows himself to be controlled by Francis, and what he gets out of it. By the same token, it is possible to believe that you love someone, while abusing them, a category that Francis perhaps falls into.

While there is nothing wrong with the sexual explicitness as such, I would have preferred a little less time letting the characters deliberate about the various activities and a bit more exploring their feelings – as in your current version when they at least agonise with each other about whether and in what sense they love each other.

I wasn’t sure how well the fourth chapter fitted in.

I think that in books about gay relationships, it is important that there is a range of moods reflecting,, with some ending happily, others badly and others ambiguously, a bit like life.

This is a brave attempt to portray some of the darker aspects of sexual awakening. While it could do with further work, and perhaps could be expanded, it merits a place on my shelf.

Wow! Yes, well-written. Yes, difficult topic for many. But so needed. There is so little in mainstream writing that are so well-written about this type relationship.

Now, I'm not a very good 'reader' (true ... so I'm an audio book listener ... I can actually get through a story then), but I read this story in its entirety in one sitting. I couldn't stop myself, which is highly unusual.

So, I hope that would say it all.

Your writing/your storyline so clearly hits many of the psychological underpinnings of a life so difficult to understand by most. Thank you for this. The boldness of it, the honesty in it, the craft of it.

I hope you don't give up on honing it. It's submission in a book of short stories would be prime real estate.

The first 1/2 chapter and last 1/2 chapter felt a bit rough, or not entirely complete. I agree with KR, that maybe Silas needs a little bit more characterisation. I don't think I 'felt' him until he went to work.

However, unlike KR, it was only because of chapter two that I felt the need to read the rest. I wouldn't make it too much longer, though. I like where it ended, but wondered Silas may have gotten 'out' a little too easy than psychologically feasible. As well, I had a hard time believing that Philip so easily agreed to the life offered.

There were also a couple jumps that were unclear. When Christina 'left', I thought she had left the house. So when Silas was worried she would hear, I had to go back to read it again. Also, when you jumped time periods between Silas coming back to Francis after the restaurant, and Christina moving out/Francis stopping the meds, perhaps could use a transition paragraph.

Chapter four was a bit of a jump in my mind, too. The first few sentences threw me off about where this was supposed to be headed. Perhaps the Parallel Life could be expanded/intertwined with every other chapter being a short bit on Philip's life?

Overall, a great short read. Thanks again for sharing it.

Hi E'Sta,

I think you have a steady writing style, a little more characterisation would be good, but I'm afraid this is well out of my comfort zone to be able to offer more of a crit. Sorry about that.

I wish you luck.

Kat

Hi E'Sta
I took another quick look at chapter one and I'm still not sure there's quite enough for me to go on. I'm probably guilty of too much backstory up front, but I don't really get a strong enough feeling for Silas having much character until he leaves. Which makes me wonder (and could be enough to have many people read on to find out why he's like that). But I was also wondering, well how did he get into that much trouble before Spain? He just needs to show a bit more of either fight or fear, at the moment all I'm getting is submission and it seems a bit strange. Anyway, it's all your choice, and you should probably get a few more opinions, don't just act on mine.
One other technical point that struck me this time though - look at the number of times you use 'that' in the opening paragraph. I used to really overuse it too. In your case you do want to capture Silas's voice, but too many 'filler' words will make for a dull read. 'That' can often be cut. Worth a try anyway.
K

Hi E'Sta
Your opening scenes conjure Francis into life very clearly. I did wonder if you could give a bit more of our narrator's feelings about him, or whether that might distract from his passivity in the situation. The story is very well written and Francis's character is clear but Silas's isn't. I was confused why a 15 year old, who's been a trouble maker before arriving in Spain, would suddenly just give in to Francis and his controlling ways. I read the first two chapters and it certainly wasn't an easy read! Some powerful stuff there. One thought I had was that I didn't know where the plot was going, because with no fight in Silas, this could just go on indefinitely, so from a narrative structure perspective, I wondered if you needed to give your reader some idea of where we're going. I actually didn't really want to read on after chapter two because I couldn't take any more of the abuse of Silas. But I'm weak and squeamish, so if the power of the scenes is serving the purpose you intend, don't change anything.

Anyway, as I'm not being much help about the story, here's my thoughts about the writing itself. I don't know if it matters, but I didn't realise our narrator was male until Francis said 'with other guys'. I hadn't studied the 'pitch' so I suppose it just depends if you want it to be clear up front. One tiny crit about punctuation of dialogue, which should be with a comma before the tag, not a full stop. For example, ''Kneel down,' he whispered, not smiling for once.' And one typo in chapter one '…made excused about why…' should be excuses and you mix up breath and breathe in chapter two.

Hope some of this is useful. Good luck
K

Wow, not my style. Gay sex and not very romantic. I feel sorry for the kid - HIV guy bossing him around, wanting sex without a condom? Too much. Being straight, this sort of thing is hard to read. I guess you have a niche market, but I'd imagine that even gays would won't something more romantic. But who knows, I might be wrong. Running with Scissors had some distrubing scenes, and that was very popular.

I like it. Is there more?

Not sure, at the moment its complete but it may become incomplete again at another point.