Rerun

Hi Chris,

Good stuff. Do you have anything long enough for a proper book ie 50,000 words plus? If so, e-mail me at jeffjesner@yahoo.com

Cheers

Thank you Nigel. Glad to see you enjoyed the read. I have to do more on this site to get it back up to where it was.

Chris,
I found your book via Ron Parker and read the first chapter--needing now to dash to work, sadly. The writing is evocative, truly. I marvel at your prose, the artful fragments, the cleanness of expression, and would like to see this book back up in rank where it belongs--top five. I don't feel it premature to say this. I'll come back to read the rest that's uploaded and comment again. For now, I'm starring Rerun highly for you. Oh, and cool website, too.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Chris,
I found your book via Ron Parker and read the first chapter--needing now to dash to work, sadly. The writing is evocative, truly. I marvel at your prose, the artful fragments, the cleanness of expression, and would like to see this book back up in rank where it belongs--top five. I don't feel it premature to say this. I'll come back to read the rest that's uploaded and comment again. For now, I'm starring Rerun highly for you. Oh, and cool website, too.
Cheers!
John B Campbell (Walk to Paradise Garden)

Thank you Zoomer, I appreciate the read!

Best of luck.
-Chris

RERUN,

Dear Chris,
I have five starred your book after reading the first chapter. It is straight up storytelling and easy reading.
I think the dialogue could get leaner and more distinctive between characters, but that probably happens further along.
Good luck with Rerun.
a zoomer

Thank you Zoomer, I appreciate the read!

Best of luck.
-Chris

RERUN,

Dear Chris,
I have five starred your book after reading the first chapter. It is straight up storytelling and easy reading.
I think the dialogue could get leaner and more distinctive between characters, but that probably happens further along.
Good luck with Rerun.
a zoomer

RERUN,

Dear Chris,
I have five starred your book after reading the first chapter. It is straight up storytelling and easy reading.
I think the dialogue could get leaner and more distinctive between characters, but that probably happens further along.
Good luck with Rerun.
a zoomer

RERUN

Dear Chris,
Your pitch is so enticing I have put it on my watch list.
The short pitch is perfect.
The first sentence of the long pitch repeats the short pitch.
A Zoomer

good premise with a clever story that is rooted in human drama, exactly what a scifi story needs, without it, people will not identify with the characters. Backed

Thank you Owen!

good premise with a clever story that is rooted in human drama, exactly what a scifi story needs, without it, people will not identify with the characters. Backed

When I say "spamming" please keep in mind that I don't consider it spamming, others do.

interesting explanation of the question of the mutability of the future. A great pity that this has lost so much ground, and nver made it to gold star status

In all honesty it takes a lot of spamming to get this backed. There are no two ways about it. You really have to email every person that signs up and ask them to read your book, then there is a backlash from a small percentage of the community that feel they are above that. I may go back to it again at some point but have some work I want to do on the piece. In the meantime I am going to keep plugging away.

interesting explanation of the question of the mutability of the future. A great pity that this has lost so much ground, and nver made it to gold star status

A good read. Thanks, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Cover art is a real eye catcher and the prose is polished and expert - I really like this story!
BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

I think you have a really good story idea here, but it takes a bit to get going. You had a very strong opening, with him lying on the floor of a warehouse, watching his death. However, after that it seems to slow down immensely. Chapter three, with the accident, is where I started getting interested. I noticed a few typos, but nothing that can't be fixed.
You have the makings of a really good story here. I know you're getting a lot of comments about the present tense, but I think it could work, if you keep the story moving at a fast pace. Stephen King says the formula for a second draft is the first draft minus10% of the story. He says to "Kill your darlings, kill your darlings, kill your darlings, even when it breaks your egocentric little scribbler's heart, kill your darlings." Basically, write your book, then cut out anything that is unnecessary. Leave out all the fluff. You'll probably lose word count in your book, but you'll have a stronger story and a steady pace; it'll keep the reader interested.
Now, just because I said that, doesn't mean I didn't like the story. I did. Your story is intriguing, no doubt about it. A man who can see the future... possibly change the future, and has seen his own death? Yeah that raises a few questions, good questions, about where you're going to take this. From what I've read so far I would say it just needs a bit of polishing to turn a good story into a great story. Best of luck to you!
Julianne

Hi - I like you idea. I generally find that I don't like writings in the present/present progressive. Having said that, the combination of the first person with the running present progressive style is very intense and unrelenting. I initally wanted to recommend that you rewrite the whole text in the past tense, either in the first or third person - I think either would work, it would be a lot more comfortable to read. However, with your topic/idea your not wanting a comfortable read and on second thought maybe it does lend itself to the first person present tense. I would take care with not falling into cliches in dialogue/thought as cliches detracts from the intensity of the story and stops the reader from being absorbed into the story line. Good luck!
Constance.

As promised, we read some of your chapters. You could leave the first and last chapters in the present tense, but as for the rest of the book we suggest you rewrite, and rewrite well, for apart from the glitches there the story has promise.
So we will back it, eventually.

Eleanor and Sharkey

I read somewhere that to write first person present tense is akin to placing ones head in a noose, it's a death knoll, a definite turndown to any publisher or agent of worth. I know of one publisher who detests this sort of style, present tense is for screenplays, first person is for "I" books and never the twain shall meet.
So I think I will, out of pure curiosity have a read of your book, because I believe one cannot change ones fate even if told of the outcome.
Would you like to know the exact second, minute, hour, day, month, year you will die?
Me neither, I love surprises.
TTFN
Sharkey, (Eleanors dad)

I think generally this is pretty good, I liked it more the further I went, but I have to say that I really do not like the opening at all. The reason I think the opening is so important is that if x amount of people don't like it then there is an increased chance that x amount of people will just put down your book and buy the guinness book of records or something instead. Overall however I think this is an excellent effort, I just think the opening really spoils it :( Still more than happy to back this one and I can see why you are doing so well! :) Congrats and good luck! :)

Found the premise intriguing. Thought the first chapter got off to a flying start and I like the writing style. Was fascinated to find the last chapter - oh, and here's where we came in! Only not!

Rerun - Chris - there is a gripping fascinating story waiting to emerge.. if you can better mesh the visions, the past and the present together. The shifts were not entirely clear each time and the varying length of the shift was a little disorienting.. The reader definitely wants to know about Jennifer but it might be drawn out a bit too long.. also revealing his vision thing.. read 10 chapters and the story definitely draws you in.. fast paced, mysterious and interesting.. good luck in getting published.. evan (oaklane woods)

I've read your partial, i.e., the first three chapters. I agree that you over-use questions (they don't lead you to profound thoughts and can be a writing tic...we all have them.) There's almost a marching rhythm to your sentences in these three chapters, a sameness. Although this may be intentional, I'm not sure it's the right choice given that an agent will only look at a partial before asking for a full. I would vary your sentence structure and length more than you do.

Almost nothing happens in the three chapters, yet this is billed as a thriller. So, if I were buying just a thriller, I might not buy this one even though the writing is more than competent writing. A story is a promise; if you promise a thriller, you must deliver one. This doesn't mean that there has to be non-stop action, nor does it mean that you focus on plot rather than on character, but it does mean that there should at least be more hints about what is to come, more narrative drive. I would condense and tighten the first three chapters considerably...and make sure that the reader sees at least something of this man's ability to see the future in a clear and unequivocal way.

That said, there is something very haunting about your main character. I'm drawn to him. But for the thriller label, I might read further.

Shelved because I believe you're a fine writer with a great premise and that you certainly have the ability to create a thriller with depth.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places, another thriller)

Just read the first chapter of 'Rerun'. Like it. Care to swap reads? Mine's a book of short stories 'Brief Encounters'.

Marko

Hi Chris,

Firstly, thanks for inviting me to swap reads with you. Rerun is a nice idea and I enjoyed it. I read a lot of books written in this present first-person tense, Darren Shan’s books especially. I’ve written a couple myself in this style and the thing I notice when I read back through them is that it is hard to ensure the character’s voice rings true. While your main character doesn’t come across as unemotional or zombie-like, there are aspects to his personality, his psyche that you could improve on. For one he asks himself far too many questions. Let his mind speak, not your editors voice dictating how it should come out. If you want to see how this is done to perfection get Shan’s Lord Loss, first of the Demonata books. It will give you lots of ideas on how to improve this type of style. Given it’s a book for teens, but I’ve never seen any writer use this technique better. Check it out.

I think your concept is a strong one, which, with some editing, could shine out. Cut out lots of the superfluous stuff (the character thinks a bit too much about what he wears and what others are wearing) and the story will ring truer and play out much smoother.

Though I like the story, I feel with your high ranking you need people to be honest in their appraisal of your work, otherwise when you reach the ed’s desk the chance will be missed of getting a contract. Look at all the others who have reached the top. There are far too many people on authonomy, and I notice some of them from reading your other reviews, who just say “brilliant” to everyone so that you back their book in return. My advice to you is keep working on it to ensure it is in the right shape if you hit the top 5. Shelved for its potential.

Good luck man,

Steve ;>

Ah shucks Chris, I really need to stop reading and get to bed, buy you keep ending the chapters so that I can't.

Really, this is an intreguing, well thought out story. I really have other books that I need to read, but I don't think I'm goning to be able to concentrate on them until I know what happens here, so...

About the only comment so far (thru ch6) is that after the great openinig, the story bogged just a bit thru ch 2 or 3 ( I don't remember exactly.) Just a few less words in there might tidy things up a bit, but I don't really see what you'd take out. I love, and enjoyed reading, all your descriptive text. It's just that it didn't seem to go anywhere for a while.

Definitely shelved!

Hi Chris,

Terrific opening scene. It really drew me in. Then (and forgive me, as I like fast paced stuff) I thought it bogged down a bit and lost some steam. I'm waiting for the things to happen that are described in the pitch, but it felt like you went off on a tangent instead of ratcheting up the action.

I loved the line, "C'mon, help out a fellow ghost." Maybe give us that a little sooner? That really piqued my interest as I was drifting off.

You're very good with setting and description. If anything, maybe a little more foreshadowing in the early chapters.

Anyway, bottom line, you write very well.

Hi Chris, this is pretty impressive stuff. I've had it watchlisted for a while and taken far too much time to get to it I see. Love the comment about the icons waiting to be helpful and the one about going to whores. Fantastic insight into the character - it's really helped me to 'see' him as a person.

Overall, I think you've done a fantastic job and I'll be back for more. No real nitpicks, though I'll admit his attitude toward the homeless guy made him a little more difficult to empathise with, but considering his condition he's probably not in the mood to empathise with anyone else. Bookshelving.

Cheers,
Chris

Hi Chris, have had this watchlisted for a while, glad to finally get around to shelving it and commenting on your opening chapter.

Your descriptive style is excellent. I liked the little details of the killer's shoes in the opening part, and the warts-and-christ-knows-what-else-and all picture of the bum; everything is nice and nearly described and labelled, and never lingered on. This is a very "visual" piece and it's done in the right way and the prose is honed. There's a deep cynicism and an unexamined darkness to the narrator, which reveals his alcoholism in a matter-of-fact way. Another big positive is your use of present tense, first person - one of the most easily abused styles, but you've put together the first chapter without a hitch.

The idea of visions is intriguing, and it might have been an idea to show us a little more of these in the first chapter. Though it's good to always leave us wanting more, to find out exactly why our guide drinks the way he does. Polished, precise stuff, never dull. Glad to shelve.

All the best,

P

Hello Chris,

What a rivetting opening! The homeless person is finely described with no unnecessary words the reader can see and almost smell him. The bit about the ghost is gasp making. You ease off the tension at exactly the right place and we learn more about Charles character and feelings about his life. Your description of Eddie is so succinct and perfect.

I'm making room for this on my shelf. Till then it's on my WL. Hope to see it make the editors desk this month. Good luck.

Joanna

Hi Chris.
I've read your book all of the way through. The start definitely sucked me in. After that I was a bit confused for a while as to whether or not you were in a dream world, but eventually caught on. The clue was in the title!!! You certainly managed to gain my sympathy for the character. I was hoping the book might be about his redemption, and was a bit disappointed when it ended as it did. But that's the price you pay for realism. When you write your next one have a go at writing in the third person. I think you'll find it much easier.
Godd Luck with Rerun . If you do get the chance to have a look at mind I'd appreciate it.

Charlie Howell

Hi Chris. I suppose the limitation of first person is whether you enjoy being in the character's head. As the guy is a depressed alcoholic that could become off-putting to the reader. However i found his commentary fresh and quirky enough to hold my attention, i only meant to check the first chapter but ended reading the first four - so i guess you had me hooked. Can't fault your style either so it's going on my shelf. Cheers!
Kevin

Hi. I can't belive how long it took me to get time to read this. I haven't got very far through yet, but what I've read I loved. I didn't find any problems with the writing. Definately a great read. Good luck with this.
Kitten

Ah, Chris-- well worth the wait! I haven't gotten very far into it, but you write like a pro, and I'm going to put you up on my shelf!
Best of luck, you're rising like a hot air balloon!
Karen
Grumble Bluff

hello chris
i can see why your book shot up the charts - it has a brilliant opening and is great fun to read. by the end of chapter two i beginning to want to feel better than our hero because i'm getting a real sense of what it might be like to be an alcoholic with a job you hate. so i look at the last chapter and i see there is again some good use of language and that it obviously mirrors chapter one. together with the title these chapter give me an idea of how the book works and it's clever, pleasing.
that's the good stuff.
the only criticism really is that you could do with a good edit. in your pitch you repeat some of the phrases word for word within a few lines and that happens again in the text i've read. your writing is too good to let that happen. you just need to read it through ruthlessly and find some alternative words. another example would be 'venture out' in ch 2. also some of the phrases are unimaginative 'my own little world' and i feel you could easily do better.
finally there are some preachy bits, comments on society which actually are not useful (in my opinion) in this book. i'm thinking of the coffee cup (that was once white) and the geraniums. it reads as though these are the authors judgments and you could easily delete them without impinging on the story. hope that's not too critcal and i look forward to your comments on The Elephant Cafe and/or The Samaritan.

Chris,

Don't know how/why you found me (do tell) but it was a good call. I love the opening to your book. Intriguing... love the voice.

Gae

I like how you draw the reader in right away with that first scene. I would like a little better understanding of why he's so rude to the homeless man, but maybe I'll have to read on to better understand this. You have a few grammatical errors, but other than those two things, I have enjoyed what I have read so far (which is only the first chapter). I am, though, interested enough that I will continue to read at least a few more chapters.

Afternoon Chris,

Congratulations on your work! Having just read ch.1, I'm going to put it on my watchlist straight away, and then carry on some. It flows with ease and clarity (even though once or twice the descriptive detail seemed slightly more elaborate than perhaps necessary - the size of his monitor, being one small instance.) However it's good stuff, and I look forward to reading more.

Cheers, Martyn :-)

Hey Chris,
Good job, even though I seldom read books in in the first person. But you are very detailed oriented, maybe just a little more than you have to be. I'm curious about your thoughts on the market and yes it is a hard market.

I realize one writes what he has to write and that is fine. I was struck in the beginning and for some reason I thought of Hubert Selby (Last Exit to Brooklyn and I'm really not sure why) By the way, it's a compliment. Do you always write in the first?

As a former hunter, "The gun barrel is perfectly round and has a small fin sticking up like some baby shark." The internal of our main character is raw and unsettling which means your writing is working. The coffee cup description is a little long, but that's a minor complaint. I wondered what kind of ghost your man was carrying with the sentence: "I'm no longer trapped in a dream world with beggars and murders."

Has there been any issues by anyone about your main character who spends a lot of money on booze and clearly has a problem? Just a thought. I mentioned details in the beginning, and in today's world you're dealing with many people who have the attention span of a flea. Clearly, I'm not referring to the readers on this site, because they're interested in the words, how they work, the writer, and does the piece keep them reading. We don't have that luxury in the book buying world. You should consider that, but again, don't listen to a word I'm saying.

Minor issue, I've never seen a pool table (a good, leveled one anyway) moved for a dance floor.

You've done a great job with this character. I haven't made up my mind yet whether I like him or not. Good job and I'll keep on reading. Isn't that what it's all about.

Good luck,

Richard / Foggy Joe

What can be said about your book? It is a perfect example of what excellent writing is.

The way you describe things is stellar. Your use of images to convey a thought is wonderful. I'm a stickler for pacing and your pacing is wonderful as well. You also understand the use of line length variation. In addition, I find your voice to be fresh and honest.

This is a prime example of true talent.

Without doing a line edit, I couldn't tell you exactly what to take out or leave in, but I think if you read it out loud to yourself, you may find some places to trim. Just please don't trim out the parts that make your writing so great.

I am proud to put you on my shelf.

Ray

Great read...the pacing, place and character descriptions are awesome!
The sense of doom was forboding, and there were some interesting twists, but I just wished it ended differently...it was a surprise that wasn't a surprise. ;-)
Still, you have are quite the wordsmith, so kudos for your great work!

I just read a few chapters of this, and it is pretty absorbing. Generally I can't stand books written in first person, and worse still, present tense; but his does it well. It is pretty restrictive, but it all depends on the story; I think it suits this particular story to not know what anyone other than the main character is thinking.

There are a few things in the first chapter I took note of so you'd know the sort of thing to look for when editing.

In the third paragraph you have 'warm blood...was very warm' - perhaps just leave the first as blood, then describe it as warm blood in the next sentence, rather than in both.

You say about the gun 'it is perfectly round' - this makes it sound as though the gun is round, not the barrel.

Small error - 'were a an artist's...'

'The cup used to be a vessel for a cup of hot tea or coffee'? - '...a vessel for hot tea or coffee' would be better. Though I think there is too much description of the cup anyway.

I like the premise of the story, and I see that even by chapter 11, the main character is still having difficulties; so clearly there is a lot of building here.

I'll try to get more read when I get the time.
DK

Chris: I love the title! I've read about a dozen chapters and the title was such a good choice for the plot. Your style is unique in that your MC speaks in the first person (to himself) a lot. "I....." "I...." In a less skilled writer, it would be weak, but you've done it in such a way that it simulates how we think to ourselves. Your MC thinks a lot and I like that. I will read more when time permits. Good luck with it.
If you get a chance, I recently posted two of my three novel series of young adult westerns. Sounds corny but they are not your typical "shoot 'em ups". Nor are they overly heavy. The "Montana" series (third novel is done but I'm still editing) follows a young guy who, in 1885, leaves his little farm in Montana and heads south "to become a cowboy." The three novels are independent, but the storylines are linked. They also "touch" real events, places and people, though they are never the focus of the plots. Through young Montana's adventures, he grows from boy to man. I'd be interested in your comments. Thanks. J.E. Richman

Hi Chris,

I read the opening chapter and thought 'wow!' Great intro to a novel and a fantastic sense of place. The character and his dlimmma builds without tellling us too much. I'm not certain about the use of brackets so early on but otherwise great pace. Will definitely read more.

Very visual writing! Nice. Will definitely read more! Would love for you to check out A Genie in the House of Saud when you get a chance.
Cheers!

Hi Chris!

Only read the first chapter so far and enjoyed it. Of course, it took me awhile to figure out if the person getting shot is the same as the one on the train, but I didn't feel jerked around, it quickly made sense. What you may want to consider is tightening the first chapter up, e.g. you could omit the description of the Welz at this point. I'm not there with the protagonist, so I don't really care about the place. That would get us to the narrator's fighting visions with alcohol much faster. And that's the part that really hooks the reader, creates tension and mystery.

Your prose is excellent, only sometimes you go a bit over the top, e.g. with regard to the cup the beggar uses to collect money. Holding coffee a noble purpose? Holding money to feed a homeless man is not? The thing gets a bit too much attention for my taste.

Would he realize here's hardly any money left when he pays the coffee and bagel? That would make a more natural transition.

And some minor nits:

"What time were you at the Welz till last night?"
-> sounds awkward
-> Let the voice boom first then give us the words...

I'd rather drop: "I guess in a way the "theys" of the world are right."

Moving a pool table every Sat night? Shouldn't these things be too heavy?

"Hard alcohol is always good, though usually just to get me to a good place. That place is always good and schnockered."
-> 3*"good" in two sentences sounds unworthy of you. And of course, a good place is always good...

Hi Chris! I've decided to take you up on your offer. I read the first couple of chapters and have enjoyed what I have read so far. I like the way that there's suspense right from the beginning, but I do feel that, particularly through the first few paragraphs, when you describe things (objects/ clothes) there are too many adjectives - there are strings of them such as 'a beautiful dark silk tie', 'shiny brown classic shoes', and I feel like the writing might benefit from a few less. I know it's only small detail, but I hope this helps.

I read through the first two chapters. Your writing is clearly pretty good. I can picture the main character quite well and the settings. But I do think it needs a come-on a bit quicker, a clue at least to why he¡s been shot. Apart from that opening scene, it's been a bit too much of what cd be anybody's life. I'll stick it on my watchlist and p'raps come back and read more later. But do either think abt cutting some of the humdrum or dropping in a few clues. The writing is there, the synopsis sounds good, so go for it.

Hi Chris -- Thanks for the invite to look at your book. The story is inviting - always a good thing. What pops out at me is the word choice... can't help but wonder if this could use a bit of your attention. It seems you are going to weave a tight story. Now that you have conquered that portion of the writing you could benefit from replacing words which we hear too much; particularly at the beginning of the book when we want to be drawn into the rest.
Last night I heard a bestselling writer confess that her latest book saw twenty drafts.

Happy Writing, kbp

Hi Chris,

This isn’t the type of book I usually read, but here are my comments:

You need to ask a big question/pose a big problem early on. You almost achieve this, but it being a dream/vision spoils it for me. Now, if I know he actually ends up in the situation you first mention, I want to know how he got there, and if he can get out…

Charles asks himself too many questions. I think it is better if you can show the problem and get the reader to ask the questions and look for the answers.. For example, when he’s in the bar he asks ‘What is wrong with me? How can life feel this way?’ then later ‘What will come for me after the doors are locked?’ and ‘ Will I have to venture to the ATM machine?’ I suspect it’s the confusion that you want to portray, but I wonder if there is a more inclusive way of doing it. As the reader, I felt a bit left out; I really need to care about Charles before I care about his predicament.

Overall, there is some slick writing, but I wanted more to happen and less about what is going on in his head. I hope this is helpful.

Cheers

Pete

Hi Chris,
I love the simple-easy to read style. So the first scene is a vision. The readers may feel somewhat cheated. You may start the story with your protagonist traveling, his encounter with the beggar, and then shift the scene to his vision and then come back. In this way, I believe, it won’t be jarring.
I like your protagonist and his observations of the beggar, his white coffee cup and the bodegas. I begin to like your protagonist, kind of a simple soul. I like your fluid writing style and it has some kind of affinity that pulls the reader readily into the story.
-Anand.