The Apricot Turner

Ch.3 - absolutely brilliant. A1. I'm there with Jim. Excellent characterisation. Flawless, seamless and fluid telling. I don't have anything fancy to say, except that so far it's the best work I've read on here. It's pitched as being 'based' on a true story - is it your story? Maybe I shouldn't ask that, and then again, maybe you needn't pitch it as such - a true story, I mean. Because maybe it doesn't matter. It's the way you deliver, rather than the plot as such, that's got me ensnared. Although the story framework, thus far, is absolutely fine. The time, the sexual tension, the politics, the human tensions, and the filling of any available vacuum by the hippies with their lust for the new - are all well deserving of a wider audience. It's excellent. If we both falter at this fledgling stage, maybe we could get our heads together and co-write. You can count me in. In the meantime, may your apricots flourish and be plentiful!

M :-))

Yep. It's my story. But I'll wait till you've had time to get to the ending before I tell you much more.

I was trying to do exactly what you've pointed out- the delivery is more important than the plot and most people would never believe such a story ('Bullshit!' They say, that could never happen!), unless its delievered correctly. Just as you've done with Matty- the reader begins to understand and appreciate his 'taking his hands off the wheel with a car-load of passengers' as we get into the background story of his father and family. Which, by the way, you've done with all the human elements: wit, humor, love, hate, compassion, etc. A fantastic work of art imo.

With my story, I could have just said, "well I was seeking and yearning for a better life. I was about to be drafted into the army, and instead, I joined a whacked-out religious cult. After stealing my spirit, they stole my family, and I'm still paying the price today." But, as you have noticed, the way I say it is important (delivery)-and I'm trying my best to put the reader right there in the middle of the action. I decided from the beginning that plot had little to do with this story, so your response hits the target for me. This is why your input is so valuable.

As writers, we are sort of confined, in our own little cocoons- and we need to know how our writing is landing on the reader. I'm in the process of trying to develop a site like Authonomy here in the States with a small publisher because I think this idea of writers working together as they craft their work is a truly revolutionary idea. Its not like the proverbial book-club.

On co-writing: I could only dream of co-writing with someone of your caliber and talent! Ten Ways is like reading Noam Chomsky, JD Salinger, Henry, Miller, and a bit of Keroauc all rolled (smoke-pun intended) together! So to me, just your offer is the highest form of compliment.-Thanks!
Who knows? Maybe you and I might end up on a project together.

But the neat thing is that what both you and I are saying is the same thing. And that's how truth works- many paths, many avenues all leading to the same well. Living waters.

In the end of my journey, I had to find compassion for a group of people who harmed both me and my family. (This part of the story is not in TAT, I have enough material to fill the library). They still consider me to be their "Arch-Demon Apostate" to this day. (I work to get their kids free of them when and where I can). They fear me and should not. They should fear only themselves. But I've given too much away of the book already!

So, I'm glad I've posted all of TAT so that I can now go back to reading. Finding Ten Ways was a very lucky stroll through the site. What a find! So, I'm off to finish reading chp 4. -J

Hi James, this is good stuff and I'm happy to pop you on my shelf. There's a similarity of style to Trehearne Vietnam book. I do wonder if you could make the beginning more specific - it reminds me a bit of the opening of American Beuty - same feel a Kevin Spacey's voiceover - the problem is with a film we've got the pictures to provide the detail - the result of doing that kind of philosophical/dreamy approach in a book is that we don't have the groundedness, and it ends up with a real jim Morrison without the music kind of feel. That said, it's the kind of style I do like - I just wonder if it's a little too dreamy for many. Still, as I say, I love it.
Best
Dan

Dan- Thanks for commenting on my work-I know you must be busy with 'Songs' (because its going to get published-YES!)
What you've said about the dreaminess of chp one is very enlightening, and, coming from you, well worth considering and taking a closer look at. I wrote it specifically to have that quality, because when the reader ultimately finds out who the group Jim has joined really is (a real group most Brits will have surely heard of), the dreaminess will play a major role in understanding some of the motivations by commune members to remain in the 'horror' of their situation.
I hear you about the 'goundedness' and this is why I planted Jim in the apricot grove (central metaphor, or in this case, central allegory-extended metaphor) that will carry forward througout the novel. Like One Hundred Ballons without String, the reader will catch on by chp two or three how central the 'ground' of the orchard is to the story, and as a symbol, a good tool to understanding the story. I hope you'll read more, as I respect your opinion highly from seeing your work in Songs (which I contiune to read) and am looking forward to HC's review of, and their commitment to publish it.

Funny you should mention Jim Morrison, as you will see shades and shadows of him, along with other icons of that generation (mine) throughout the text. I feel privilaged that you would see similar style to Hell Sucks- one, because there are very lucid and poetic parts of TH's work-esp when he takes us onto the battle field, and two, because my minor character of Nick is 'Buddy' in Hell Sucks-with the difference that he is psychologically affected by the war even prior to going to combat. There were two types of patriots in that war- those that gave their lives on the battle field, and those that gave their lives trying to stop the war. Both books are necessary (need to be published) in my opinion, at least in America, as the more Americans look upon stopping war (or never starting war in the first place) as a 'patriotic' act, the closer we will be to a civilized nation. T.A.T. is not necessariy a political book, nor a call for political action, its more of a nudge for Americans (and all who would follow her) to listen carefully to the 'song' they are singing. Thanks for backing T.A.T.!

This looks like an interesting read about a period in US history little known to some of us in the UK. I am happy to back it and hope to read more later.
Perhaps you could have a look at either Adam's Apple or Tiger's Heart.
Leslie Rocker

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Your book rolled up on the Authonomy home page and the pitch caught my eye. My father was drafted to Vietnam and my mother told me once that not going to Canada was the biggest mistake of their lives.

I enjoyed the present tense, and I found myself humming Oh Happy Day throughout the first chapter. I'm glad you explained the title early. This is a difficult topic, but you have treated it with a level hand.

Sometimes it's just nice to know that someone read, so I've left you a comment even though you don't appear to be active here on site. I enjoyed your work, and hope you are finding continued success.

Dear James,


I prefer to read literary fiction and that’s how I came across The Apricot Turner.

Based on what really happened I see. Very good concept, reading your synopsis. I have a feeling that a story like this is best told looking back thirty or forty years and not in the heat of the moment. It lends maturity.

Just seen the 105,000 words now. I hope they don’t do to you what they did to me. Made me dump 40,000 words to cut my first novel back to 80,000. Traumatic to be told by a literary agency to chuck a third of your work away. But I realized which side my bread was buttered and I gave them what they wanted. Result? I got published in UK and Commonwealth. Just keep that little story in mind.

Reading now. Can’t help thinking this all happened.

The Apricot Turner is on my bookshelf. I have some comment for tweaking.

Observation. The writing is a little bit long and there is opportunity to pare it, tighten it, whatever, if an editor asks you too. Don’t let it bother you. I speak from experience.

Tee-hee. It’s quite evocative reading about the farm. That’s as far as my education went. Farm school. But that made it hell trying to make a living in the city. Out of work five times. I even turned to labouring, erecting fences.

You have some long narrative paragraphs there. Please be cautioned that they tend to slow the flow, or in extreme cases, stop the story altogether. One option is to divide them in two. The other is to pare them considerably.

But overall, very good. Present tense, by the way works very well for this novel.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Slipping into this story was like putting on an old glove. The characters are right , the mood is right and the odd references to well-worn lyrics brought back so many memories. Read this book, a smooth experience and it's on my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hey James, this has been on my Watch List for a few days now but I finally got the chance to take a look! This is very vivid and eloquent writing. The commune is portrayed just as I always imagined them to be and Jimmy is sweet and naive; I find myself caring for and worrying about him already. The only thing that did not sit so well with me is that the pace is a bit slow. I think that if you let things develop a little bit faster, the reader would be captivated even more.
All in all, well done!

I really love this. Brilliant work, especially in its power to invoke the time so flawlessly. I was a very young kid then but still it took me back. The book seems like a real, lived experience, down to the finely observed details, the gold woven sandals, butter running down a mountain of mashed potatoes, 'toking out' in a van with a beaded curtain, everything. The platinum-record dreams of an 18-year-old musician. Even the name 'Tabitha' is just right.

I'm very happy to back this. All the best with it, Maria. p.s. I made just a couple of text notes:

confusion between 'the measure of a man' (which a car might be) and 'the mettle of a man' (mettle = courage, roughly, or spirit, so it doesn't quite make sense, jars a bit.) Also, I love the conjecture but man, it's hard to conceive of an 18-y.o. who doesn't equate the first car not with a feeling of ownership, but a feeling of freedom. I can go where I want. Just an aside, really. I think it's a perfectly lovely passage.

"blessed with the knack to start" the usual form would be "blessed with the knack of starting"

Hi James,
Having read through the third chapter, I applaud your ability to evoke another era inside the reader’s mind. While I have no reference point with which to judge it (I was born in ’77) it comes off as authentic in my ear. And it’s also important to remember that those times were vastly different for different people, some look upon them fondly as the time they “changed the world” while others look at it as the tipping point where western civilization began a steep and irreversible decline. What’s important is that you’ve captured what those times were for YOU and you’ve created a unique voice through which to relate those experiences. I love the metaphor of the apricot orchard, and how the falling of the apricot reminds of our frailty/mortality. Your dialogue is smooth and comes off naturally. I’ve never been a fan of present-tense writing, but that’s strictly a personal thing. There are a few places here and there that could use tightening (in my opinion), but all-in-all it’s a quality work-in-progress and I have no hesitation shelving it. I’d like to read further just to compare the way you present those of Christian faith, even if an unorthodox sect that compares the disciples to communists! Great job and keep at it!

Matt

James
Here’s what I wrote whilst reading the first two chapters:
*Good start to the book. I can smell the apricots.

* “Wings its way through the branches.” The image didn’t sit well with me. Is it in the middle of the tree? Don’t they normally hop out along a branch so that they can then take off?

* “old enough to kill, but too young to vote” – is a good phrase. Is this original? In which case, it is Great!

* “heaped” dufflebag – Isn’t heaping when one thing is piled on top of another? What’s the dufflebag piled with? Get my point?

* You shorten dufflebag to “duffle” – is this right?

* “Take me,” College cooed – This seemed odd to start with the two grils and then explain you are playing their parts. IMO it would be easier on the reader to explain this first.

* “Carcass of wild grass” – ten out of ten!

* End of chapter 2 – why “Mozart”?

Overall, you have a good character and the dialogue is natural and compelling. The atmosphere is richly described and clearly important to you. I can relate to the hitch hiking and found, at times, absorbed by your descriptions. The writing is fairly tight and it is VERY well written. I can imagine this on a real bookshelf. I may not buy it, but I’d probably dip into a copy bought by a friend.

Good work and on my shelf.

Murray (The Jin Deception)

Murray- Thanks for your detailed comments, they show that you've taken the time to read TAT and they are very insighful suggestions

"Old enough to kill but too young to vote" was a very familiar phrase (almost a clarion call) for those of us alive during the war years of Vietnam. The voting age was 21, the inscription age was 18 and many of us were very upset that we were being forced to fight a war we that we didn't have a say (vote) in. There was a song with this line in it, and it became a popular catch-phrase as well. So anyone from America at the time can relate.

The image of the grove-crow: What I was trying to capture here was the bird taking flight after knocking the apricot off the tree. As we worked in the orchard, the pickers were constantly having to throw fruit away because of apricots being half-eaten, or knocked to the ground and rotting or covered with ants by the crows. This is an image of the "fallen" of my generation (or any generation) of young who either were killed in the war, or died from drug overdoses, or in the case of TAT, were tampered (picked at, picked upon) by crows (false prophets) and left on the ground to rot after they had their share of them.

Heaped or 'piled' - hasn't shown up as a problem with other readers, but I will look at this again.

I shortened duffle bag to 'duffle' for ease of reading--but if the reader is confused as to this being my duffle bag, I will need to revise.

My arranged marriages (the two sisters) was originally exposition and I turned it to dialogue with El Gordo. It probably could use more work and clarity to make the images come to life, and the dialogue flow better.

Mozart is mentioned as a guy and his sister that Jim and Nick caught a ride to Laguna Beach with earlier in the chapter. Later on Mozart is explained in the fourth chapter entitled "Mozart." I see how a reader can confuse the use of the name with the actual composer, so I might revise this to make it clear that it is a nick name for a character that will be introduced later in the text.

Thanks again for taking your time to read TAT- I know you must be very busy with the charts and getting JD rising- Good luck with it, I will read more when I get time (I work all day, and have limited time at night to read and write)- but I owe you more of a read with comments.-J

I'm really enjoying this, the storyline is gripping and the descriptive nature of your writing reall draws the reader in. Consider yourself shelved! Good luck... Straussy

James
Here’s what I wrote whilst reading the first two chapters:
*Good start to the book. I can smell the apricots.

* “Wings its way through the branches.” The image didn’t sit well with me. Is it in the middle of the tree? Don’t they normally hop out along a branch so that they can then take off?

* “old enough to kill, but too young to vote” – is a good phrase. Is this original? In which case, it is Great!

* “heaped” dufflebag – Isn’t heaping when one thing is piled on top of another? What’s the dufflebag piled with? Get my point?

* You shorten dufflebag to “duffle” – is this right?

* “Take me,” College cooed – This seemed odd to start with the two grils and then explain you are playing their parts. IMO it would be easier on the reader to explain this first.

* “Carcass of wild grass” – ten out of ten!

* End of chapter 2 – why “Mozart”?

Overall, you have a good character and the dialogue is natural and compelling. The atmosphere is richly described and clearly important to you. I can relate to the hitch hiking and found, at times, absorbed by your descriptions. The writing is fairly tight and it is VERY well written. I can imagine this on a real bookshelf. I may not buy it, but I’d probably dip into a copy bought by a friend.

Good work and on my shelf.

Murray (The Jin Deception)

Read more. Had to shelve it. Loved to learn about what apricot turners do. Great description.

Joanna

Very good theme. Draft dodging, while seen by some as treason, was an act of bravery. Jim's moral stance and his reason for it make a lot of sense. The title is intriging and we find out what it means on the first page.

Rather than being told about the sacking and why, I want to see it. I want the whole scene, not be told about it afterwards.

Otherwise a very good and perhaps classic type book. Good luck. On my watch list.

Joanna

Joanna- you make a very intuitive call on the sacking--if you skip to chps 4&5 the reasons Jim is willing to dodge the draft becomes clear. I have purposely put this in those chps as it helps with the story's flow. Your response is exactly what I intend-i.e. I want the reader to want more about why Jim is dodging the draft, but I want draw the reader in enough to be willing to read more of the story to find this out. Thanks again for you comments, as these are very helpful.-J

Very good theme. Draft dodging, while seen by some as treason, was an act of bravery. Jim's moral stance and his reason for it make a lot of sense. The title is intriging and we find out what it means on the first page.

Rather than being told about the sacking and why, I want to see it. I want the whole scene, not be told about it afterwards.

Otherwise a very good and perhaps classic type book. Good luck. On my watch list.

Joanna

this is a book to savour when you have time to lose yourself in the meandering pace of a lost soul setting out on the road of destiny, enjoying every emotion of each new step they take as life(your life i assume) takes them on a journey.

one i'll enjoy when it's published-SHELVED-TJ

Jim,

I'm really drawn in by the opening. The pace is slow, the point of view is perfect, the thoughts of your character feel right. This is really good writing, you know what you are doing, and this is also a MS that has been worked over. There might be a couple short sentences the editor in my head wants to cut, but I'm also unsure, and feel they aren't worth arguing.

When I get to chapter two and some of the chapters that follow, my read gets a little bumpy. There's a sentence in paragraph two, that starts with some personification and just kind of gets away from itself. While it may sound nit-picky, I think you should be sending this out (if you aren't already) and one sentence like that early in the book may make an agent assume there will be more, and that the writing (and therefore the writer) isn't ready yet. I can imagine them assessing this in terms of market worth, but you can't let that stop you from telling the story you want to tell and making it the best it can be. If the story is really good, that's all that matters. I can also see this getting picked up by a small publisher, though they can be harder to crack than an agent, so that's also going to take work. I don't at all mean that in any kind of demeaning way. I'm assuming that like most of us, your goal is just to get into the light of day, and to be read.

There are a couple things I'm not entirely buying that may be worth considering. First, Bob Dylan lines will have to be bought, and may turn off a publisher. Also, while I see from comments this is autobiographical, I don't get the atmosphere of the times, and it feels to me it's on the surface. We're used to seeing this packaged in film & TV as a soundtrack and costumes, and so it needs a more genuine idiom. I'm not sure how to do that but I have a guess it can come through Gordo and the other characters. Saying goodbye to Gordo is a little sentimental, and that moment is ripe to speak of the times. The "lore" of the orchard is excellent and you have great details. When we get to the commune, however things feel familiar, and this is not your fault, just what has been done with it in the pop culture. If this is what really happened, sometimes it's helpful to take a step back and make it alien. Adding one new element to that section might make you see it differently and you'll have a better sense of how others are seeing it.

Good luck with this. I would love to see more of the good writing rise to the top.

James,

I admire the voice you've created here and you've definitely nailed the evocation of a very particular era. The apricot turning adds a level of unique interest--because how many people know much about apricots?--and your writing is full of rich detail.

After reading 1-2 and scanning 3 quickly, I know this is a book I would continue reading if I picked it up in a store, however, I would say that while Chapter 1 really grabbed me, the subsequent chapters are great, but somehow didn't quite achieve the same level for me. I'm trying to pinpoint why this is and I might raise these two thoughts: (1) I sometimes feel like you're relying on music a bit too much in your narrative - there was some really fantastic music in the 60s, but you know how sometimes you watch a Vietnam-era movie--one of those that's not very well done--and it leans on the music to tell its story? (2) I feel at time there's so much internal thought/narration/"telling" and less "showing." God, I hate when people say that, and I add that it's a different thing reading on a computer screen---I lose all sense of proportion without a page in front of me--but as an internal writer myself, I can attest to the fact that no matter how terrific the writing may be--and yours is often wonderful--people seem to have so little patience....

Take these comments for what they're worth. I'm rambling, but I do hope I''m making sense. What you and everyone reading this review should come away with, though, is that this is a book well worth reading--super evocative prose and a fantastic portrait of a very turbulent and intriguing era!

Well done!

Jude

Jude- Yours are very good observations, and I am constantly going back and revising some of the expository paras into pure dialogue. This is one reason I haven't spent time trying to market the book on this site via reading and backing a bunch of other books just to get up in the ranks. (tortoise, not hare). The best this site has to offer me is commentary like yours and others who enjoy what I've done, and are willing to honestly assess their feelings and give me good feedback. What I'd really like to come out with TAT is a book that is 90% dialogue, and 10% exposition or inner dialogue. I'll get there, sooner or later.
A note about the music- music was just about all we had in that generation (no pcs, not ipods, no DVDs, etc. and one of the phenomenas of the group I write about is that it used music (singing in the streets) to lure the young people of my generation into their ranks. The singers in the group were our own rock and rollers, and when we all got together to sing and fellowship, it was literally like being at a rock concert. So, its hard to draw the fine line between what is too much and too little.
Anyhow- great comments and thanks for reading as much as you have. If you skip to chps 4 &5, you might find you like these chps better because of the large amount of dialogue vs exposition.
Thanks again-J

Hi J. Just wanted to let you know I've read your first two chapters and greatly enjoyed. Will keep this on my bookshelf, personally I like the dreamy way you write this

Thanks for your input- I have used the dream-state as a device in order to capture some of the feel of the times- so I'm glad you were able to connect to it. Thanks again-J

Hi J. Just wanted to let you know I've read your first two chapters and greatly enjoyed. Will keep this on my bookshelf, personally I like the dreamy way you write this

Thanks for your input- I have used the dream-state as a device in order to capture some of the feel of the times- so I'm glad you were able to connect to it. Thanks again-J

Dude you rock! I can actually read this and enjoy! I don't have to lie and act like this is publishable! This is excellent and on my shelf!

Very impressive dude! I feel a connection immediately and must read more! Shelved and enjoyed immensely! Stay in touch!

I backed your book before I had even finished chapter 2. I love your writing style. The imagery is so beautiful, and the ideas are so real and moving that they move directly into my mind with hardly a hitch. This book definitely deserves to be published. I will finish chapter 2, but then I need to move on to my other obligations. However, this is a book that I will return to just for the pleasure of reading it.

Couple of minor things. In chapter 1, I think trees tops should be treetops. In chapter 2, where you say "genesis of insects", did you mean "genus of insects"?

Best wishes,
Jim M.

Jim- good call on the misspellings- thanks, I will fix them. I 'm reading A View, and left comment on your message board. I will keep reading it and comment -and backed it because it deserves it.

I backed your book before I had even finished chapter 2. I love your writing style. The imagery is so beautiful, and the ideas are so real and moving that they move directly into my mind with hardly a hitch. This book definitely deserves to be published. I will finish chapter 2, but then I need to move on to my other obligations. However, this is a book that I will return to just for the pleasure of reading it.

Couple of minor things. In chapter 1, I think trees tops should be treetops. In chapter 2, where you say "genesis of insects", did you mean "genus of insects"?

Best wishes,
Jim M.

Hi James. You create a driving force for the protagonist. I prefer his narrative over the dialogue. I noticed in chapter 1, you have "everyone" - "their" in a sentence. Also, it was difficult for me to visualize someone humming while singing words at the same time. The pace is steady. Your Voice is philosophical and brooding which fits a man who has nothing except the intelligence to search for more. Good luck. Janet Marie

Chapter 2 - great title.
the brides/marriage/romance stuff - great!!
...maybe in chap 1 the 'one too many sips of water' should be 'one too many trips to the coolers'? I had noted it and thought it was a bit weird - when you explain in chapter 2, it makes sense. just a thought.
another thought - the bride's 'entourage' - bit of a funny word choice. it's usually the 'bridal party' or maybe you could refer to the teachers as 'bridesmaids'. again - just a thought.
Nice touch that the turning of the apricots actually has no real purpose but to uphold an empty marketing slogan. Indicative of other themes re: society and the emptiness beneath societal niceties, expectations and what society's trying to 'sell' - patriotism etc. Interesting that this is the title of the book and your titular definition of the character. Very interesting!
The characterisation and description of El Gordo is wonderful. "he, being rooted in the orchard, concludes that I will never 'take' in this valley" - lovely.
the female praying mantis stuff - it is a woman who lures the protagonist into danger yes? Nice foreshadowing.
use of song lyrics - particularly when music is so prominent in conceptions/definitions of this era - great touch.
The dialogue, the interspersion of thoughts, the descriptions, lyrical prose - all have a really great, natural quality. I think writers often have a hard time getting a neat, effective, unforced impression of people across - you do it very effectviely. Really great writing! I will read more but may lack the time to comment in depth - best of luck with this - Bek

Chapter 1: Love the movement from para 1 to para 2, the change in perspective. He's taking in the same view - first profound and full of depth, and then something shifts, and the meaning falls away, and there is just the orchard. It's a simple and direct description, yet loaded with meaning - and a very effective metaphor for the change of perspective which I understand takes place later in the book. Did you mention that you are a beginning writer? A long-time reader perhaps? It just strikes me as a wonderfully deft and assured opening :)

"old enough to kill, too young vote" - suggesting the timeframe, thematic concerns - nice...

wonderful sensory details and more details giving us the timeframe and sense of place - the bandanna, the car - it's not forced, very organic...

"not the mettle of a man" - already, in the very early stages of this book, we know something important about the character and his values; we can imply more about his views from the work he's doing... there's already a sense of movement, momentum, he's moving on -

great opener :)

Dear James, I’ve read the first 7 chapters of your book and the last chapter as well. Your author’s note told me what I’d suspected. The narrative is so vivid that it did seem based on firsthand experience. Your prose does justice to your rich material. But I’m not sure that your three layers—apricot turning, events with friends, events at the commune—always coalesce. I see Jim’s experiences before the commune as partially foreshadowing his life there: the apricot turning, for example, prepares him for the hard, simple labor, and Lee seems the forerunner of the guru. I realize, too, that at first the commune provides Jim with what he’s been looking for, but it isn’t always clear to me what that is. I’m also confused about his draft status. Has he been called up, and does he plan to evade the draft? (Maybe if I were more familiar with the era, I’d have an easier time.)

One thought I had was that you should break up the flashback segments into smaller pieces, put them in the past tense, and insert them into the commune sequence when there’s a resonance. But that might fragment your narrative. You could present events chronologically, but I can see why you don’t want to delay the meeting with Apollos and company. Also, I’m basing this suggestion on a selfish reaction: once Jim became involved with the commune people I didn’t like having the story temporarily suspended for a flashback. You mention On the Road. I just wish I could find a way to help you achieve something like Kerouac’s fluidity.

Your title is original and intriguing, and when I started the book I was curious to learn what it referred to. I see how it fits into the story, but I can easily imagine an editor saying it should be changed to something that will help sell the book. Speaking of attracting readers, your new pitch is much better than the old one, but I think you should edit out catchphrases like “American Dreamer,” “master of his destiny,” and “Shangri- La.” I also think you should mention Vietnam in the short pitch. (It could be the present day.) There’s also vagueness: “others that value life as he does,” for example. I think you should be much more specific about what Jim wants, or thinks he wants, and about what the commune means to him initially. Maybe that’s what I meant when I said that I was somewhat confused as to how your parts make a whole. But I have to end by saying that the commune sequence, from the time Jim meets Apollos on, is very effective. As I know you realize, that’s the book. Maria

Maria- Thanks so much for your comments above. Your suggestion to incorporate chps 4&5 is what I've grappled with for some time. Here is where you've been the most help. They were originally the first two chapters (chronological order), but they didn't work well for the very reason you noted. Flashback and backstory can be distracting and confusing when not abosultely necessary, and not only stop the story's flow, but worse, give the reader an excuse to jump ship!

As you noted, getting the story started with Apollos and co. is paramount--it is the story. I think I can rewrite and bring the essence and necessary parts of 4 & 5 and blend them into the work without distracting or deterring--if pared down and placed appropriately through the preceeding chapters, or cut most of them out completely. I believe its worth the work as it would make it a far better story.
Other notes:
My first working title was 'Stealing God" (I was being purposely ambiguous with The Apricot Turner for the very reason you stated above about being curious. I picked up The Kite Runner in the same curiousity.)
I wasn't dodging the draft -my lotto number was not picked- but I was willing to dodge because of my personal convicitions, and many members were actual draft dodgers.
I've been told that putting 'Vietnam' in the short pitch would turn some readers off- and Vietnam was merely the backdrop to the story
Lee is a foreshadow of the prophet
The Orchard is a metaphor (or extended metaphor/allegory) for secular life outside of the commune.
Jim's motivations for joining, and what the commune provides is clearer in chps 8-12.
Thanks again for your help, and I'm off to tack down my story and give it the rework it needs.-J

Dear James, I’ve read the first 7 chapters of your book and the last chapter as well. Your author’s note told me what I’d suspected. The narrative is so vivid that it did seem based on firsthand experience. Your prose does justice to your rich material. But I’m not sure that your three layers—apricot turning, events with friends, events at the commune—always coalesce. I see Jim’s experiences before the commune as partially foreshadowing his life there: the apricot turning, for example, prepares him for the hard, simple labor, and Lee seems the forerunner of the guru. I realize, too, that at first the commune provides Jim with what he’s been looking for, but it isn’t always clear to me what that is. I’m also confused about his draft status. Has he been called up, and does he plan to evade the draft? (Maybe if I were more familiar with the era, I’d have an easier time.)

One thought I had was that you should break up the flashback segments into smaller pieces, put them in the past tense, and insert them into the commune sequence when there’s a resonance. But that might fragment your narrative. You could present events chronologically, but I can see why you don’t want to delay the meeting with Apollos and company. Also, I’m basing this suggestion on a selfish reaction: once Jim became involved with the commune people I didn’t like having the story temporarily suspended for a flashback. You mention On the Road. I just wish I could find a way to help you achieve something like Kerouac’s fluidity.

Your title is original and intriguing, and when I started the book I was curious to learn what it referred to. I see how it fits into the story, but I can easily imagine an editor saying it should be changed to something that will help sell the book. Speaking of attracting readers, your new pitch is much better than the old one, but I think you should edit out catchphrases like “American Dreamer,” “master of his destiny,” and “Shangri- La.” I also think you should mention Vietnam in the short pitch. (It could be the present day.) There’s also vagueness: “others that value life as he does,” for example. I think you should be much more specific about what Jim wants, or thinks he wants, and about what the commune means to him initially. Maybe that’s what I meant when I said that I was somewhat confused as to how your parts make a whole. But I have to end by saying that the commune sequence, from the time Jim meets Apollos on, is very effective. As I know you realize, that’s the book. Maria

Dear James, As promised, I’ve read into your book keeping in mind how well your pitch represents it. I think you feel your book deserves better, and you’re right. To begin with, change the short pitch completely. It gives only a vague idea of what your book is about. In fact, the first sentence of your full pitch would be a better shorter pitch, though it may be more than 25 words and you’d have to include a reference to the commune.

It might be best to start from scratch and make sure you mention all of your story’s key elements: Jim, his age, the period, the commune. Something like this maybe: Jim, confident and optimistic, leaves home on his 18th birthday, refusing the Vietnam draft, and finds paradise in a Christian commune, only to see it destroyed by a sexual predator. Yeah: I’ve used bits and pieces from later on in the full pitch. Again, there seem to be more than 25 words. I just wanted to give you an idea.

As for the full pitch, my first suggestion is, delete the last paragraph. You reveal too much by saying that Jim will have a wife and children, and that he’ll decide to leave the commune. A reader should learn all that not from your pitch, but from your book. My second suggestion is, rewrite what’s left. Certain phrases from the book, such as “Che in a Robe,” are too obscure for a pitch. Use shorter sentences and focus on the book’s key events. Avoid catchphrases: “missionaries in blue jeans,” for example. Think of your pitch as a plot summary, but not of the entire book, only up to the guru’s use of the young women.

By the way, I like your book a great deal. I’ve read 5 chapters so far. I’ll leave you another comment in a couple of days. Maria

Hi James,
I don't really know why I shoved this on my watchlist - it wouldn't be my reading of choice BUT, I thoroughly enjoyed the first 2 chs - found the 'voice' strong, consistent, carrying me along effortlessly through his thought processes as he prepares to leave. Description also was effective - I could smell those apricots.
Two things I wasn't sure about - I was surprised by the fact that at 18 he would be striking out, without any clear plan of where or what, just NOT college, NOT war. (surprised that is that his parents would let him.) also would like a time frame, I presume that the songs might provide that for people in the know (unlike me) and I wasn't sure which war, so that didn't help - vague idea that there was draft for Vietnam war, so presumably not that?
Anyway, though I'd of liked these issues sorted, I'm going to shelve this - for the quality of the language.
Margaret.
PS I'd value feedback on Munro's Choice (before the end of the month, if possible -for obvious reasons), thanks, M.

M- You may have missed the date "June 9, 1970" under the title of chp one. It''s the Vietnam War years. Thanks for you comments, and I'll look at MC right now and get you some feedback.-J

Hi James,
I don't really know why I shoved this on my watchlist - it wouldn't be my reading of choice BUT, I thoroughly enjoyed the first 2 chs - found the 'voice' strong, consistent, carrying me along effortlessly through his thought processes as he prepares to leave. Description also was effective - I could smell those apricots.
Two things I wasn't sure about - I was surprised by the fact that at 18 he would be striking out, without any clear plan of where or what, just NOT college, NOT war. (surprised that is that his parents would let him.) also would like a time frame, I presume that the songs might provide that for people in the know (unlike me) and I wasn't sure which war, so that didn't help - vague idea that there was draft for Vietnam war, so presumably not that?
Anyway, though I'd of liked these issues sorted, I'm going to shelve this - for the quality of the language.
Margaret.
PS I'd value feedback on Munro's Choice (before the end of the month, if possible -for obvious reasons), thanks, M.

Hi, Jeriah, three chapters in. The build to the ride, presumably the next day, is well executed. I have one or two points I'd like to get out of the way. In chapter 2 the wedding/sisters metaphor for the military and college goes on perhaps a touch too long, it works fine at first but then needs either to be dropped or evolved. In chapter 3 I was a little concerned at how often Jim conflicts with his new companions, is it a little too soon for this, we can brush with it maybe and no doubt these character dances will increase as the story unfolds but I felt like this Heaven sent ride, the hope and salvation offered by this unexpected truck and its occupants, was questioned a little too deeply a little too soon. How do I put this, I wanted this first night to be a little easier because I am selfish and I like peace. A little tricky for me to understand where exactly Jim is with respect to being drafted. Next month and so he's running? A little more clarity here would have helped me.On the plus side, and there are very many, your writing flows and the imagery is strong and poetic where necessary and you have a group of characters I want to journey with. Get a hold of Jim, give him a slap and let his anxieties build. I can't wait to get back in the truck tomorrow, I haven't been to LA in a long time. You are on my shelf. Biff

Addition: I've just read your comments to M, very enlightening, and in their light perhaps my earlier comments were a little premature, based on experience you are the best judge of how Jim should be reacting and when and where, but was it so in your face from the off?

Hey thanks for your great comments. I'll look again at the sisters metaphor. In chp 3, the conflict you see actually happened- this group was 'over the top' and the members were very head-strong in the beginning--mostly because of their success in recruiting people like me out of the war in Vietnam. So there was a tremendous arrogance in their recruiting or 'witnessing technique' (what more righteous cause than to save men from war?), but their's was mixed with a religious fundementalism which becomes dangerous, So, chp 3 affected you the way it was intended to--Tabitha and her crew's arrogance about the hope and salvation that they hold out for Jim causes Jim to accept, and push-back a bit.(Remember Jim says, 'drop faith and our father, and we'd be a perfect match!' Jim wants it his way (without God), but the group is telling him the only way he can eat his cake is to accept Jesus. But all of this conflict being set up in this chapter will evolve throughout the text as the reader reads on.

Jim has his draft card (which you will find out more about in chp 4 & 5), but was never actually called in the draft (number was low, but not low enough), but Jim is not dodging the draft (although I leave this ambigious on purpose because many people who joined the group were dodging the draft). The heaven sent ride you desire is coming (chp 6), but in chp 4 & 5 you'll get more dancing between the two friends, Jim and Nick. Thanks for your comments-they are extremely helpful.-J

Jim, ch3 is a great ride!

Got a thought on the “religious/revolutionary” dialog, esp between the Narr and Tab. It’s tough to capture philosophical/religious/political/etc viewpoints in dialog (or anywhere else in a novel, for that matter). Can come across as mouthpiece stuff. I get into politics/revolution as well. A few readers, a few months back, told me to tone it down. I didn’t get rid of anywhere near what they wanted though ;).
I think maybe you could shorten some of the “heavier” conversations. That was the way things were then, but can you relay just what’s needed to let the reader fill in the rest for themselves; even ones who didn’t experience the times can follow along. In some sense, fighting the power today ain’t all that different from fighting it in the 70s.

best, andy

Andy- You've made a very good observation about the top-heavy dialogue regarding revolution/religious dialogue. But I intended it to be so top-heavy (not to be toned-down) for several important reasons:

1) Most of what was going on with many in the 70's was just "talk" (ie: we dressed the dressed, talked the talk, but how many actually walked the walk? Unless you were a Black Panther?)- When the group comes along, Jim, who wears a red bandana, who wants to live like a communist, or socialist, or anything other than a capitalist, gets sucked into the commune's rhetoric about revolution. (JIm's a little like your character of Ryan in CofK, when he doesn't want to become a manager at the sawmill, but is going to get sucked in by Lance and Bruce at some point).

2) This is based on a true story (mine), and the commune members actually spoke this way.
So, toning it down would water down the wine of the substance of both the story and people, imo.

Chp 3 is not intended to be a credible, or articulate discussion about politics, revolution, or even religion, although the reader may find a bit of truth regarding all three in it. It was intended to be what you've so exactly nailed as "mouthpiece stuff." Remember, Tabitha and her crew are 'claiming' that they are revolutionary, something Jim notes at the end of the chapter. The intention in TAT is quite different than that (articulate philosophical/religious discussions) , but I will leave you to read to the end.

If you look at Ten Ways (on this site), there you have the character of Matty- who is constantly philosophizing- and some of his stuff is 'mouthpiece stuff'- but most of it is articulate observations of human character that makes for great philosophy.(And some of the best reading!) In that work, the author's intention was to do this, and he, imo, does it brilliantly. I know where my strengths are, and accomplishing what the author did in Ten Ways is something I could never master the way he has. So TAT is not even the glimmer of an attempt to actually philosophize. Thanks again for the comments- I'm still reading Cof K and will send notes on it when I can.-J

Jim, ch3 is a great ride!

Got a thought on the “religious/revolutionary” dialog, esp between the Narr and Tab. It’s tough to capture philosophical/religious/political/etc viewpoints in dialog (or anywhere else in a novel, for that matter). Can come across as mouthpiece stuff. I get into politics/revolution as well. A few readers, a few months back, told me to tone it down. I didn’t get rid of anywhere near what they wanted though ;).

I think maybe you could shorten some of the “heavier” conversations. That was the way things were then, but can you relay just what’s needed to let the reader fill in the rest for themselves; even ones who didn’t experience the times can follow along. In some sense, fighting the power today ain’t all that different from fighting it in the 70s.

best, andy

Ch.3 - absolutely brilliant. A1. I'm there with Jim. Excellent characterisation. Flawless, seamless and fluid telling. I don't have anything fancy to say, except that so far it's the best work I've read on here. It's pitched as being 'based' on a true story - is it your story? Maybe I shouldn't ask that, and then again, maybe you needn't pitch it as such - a true story, I mean. Because maybe it doesn't matter. It's the way you deliver, rather than the plot as such, that's got me ensnared. Although the story framework, thus far, is absolutely fine. The time, the sexual tension, the politics, the human tensions, and the filling of any available vacuum by the hippies with their lust for the new - are all well deserving of a wider audience. It's excellent. If we both falter at this fledgling stage, maybe we could get our heads together and co-write. You can count me in. In the meantime, may your apricots flourish and be plentiful!

M :-))

Yep. It's my story. But I'll wait till you've had time to get to the ending before I tell you much more.

I was trying to do exactly what you've pointed out- the delivery is more important than the plot and most people would never believe such a story ('Bullshit!' They say, that could never happen!), unless its delievered correctly. Just as you've done with Matty- the reader begins to understand and appreciate his 'taking his hands off the wheel with a car-load of passengers' as we get into the background story of his father and family. Which, by the way, you've done with all the human elements: wit, humor, love, hate, compassion, etc. A fantastic work of art imo.

With my story, I could have just said, "well I was seeking and yearning for a better life. I was about to be drafted into the army, and instead, I joined a whacked-out religious cult. After stealing my spirit, they stole my family, and I'm still paying the price today." But, as you have noticed, the way I say it is important (delivery)-and I'm trying my best to put the reader right there in the middle of the action. I decided from the beginning that plot had little to do with this story, so your response hits the target for me. This is why your input is so valuable.

As writers, we are sort of confined, in our own little cocoons- and we need to know how our writing is landing on the reader. I'm in the process of trying to develop a site like Authonomy here in the States with a small publisher because I think this idea of writers working together as they craft their work is a truly revolutionary idea. Its not like the proverbial book-club.

On co-writing: I could only dream of co-writing with someone of your caliber and talent! Ten Ways is like reading Noam Chomsky, JD Salinger, Henry, Miller, and a bit of Keroauc all rolled (smoke-pun intended) together! So to me, just your offer is the highest form of compliment.-Thanks!
Who knows? Maybe you and I might end up on a project together.

But the neat thing is that what both you and I are saying is the same thing. And that's how truth works- many paths, many avenues all leading to the same well. Living waters.

In the end of my journey, I had to find compassion for a group of people who harmed both me and my family. (This part of the story is not in TAT, I have enough material to fill the library). They still consider me to be their "Arch-Demon Apostate" to this day. (I work to get their kids free of them when and where I can). They fear me and should not. They should fear only themselves. But I've given too much away of the book already!

So, I'm glad I've posted all of TAT so that I can now go back to reading. Finding Ten Ways was a very lucky stroll through the site. What a find! So, I'm off to finish reading chp 4. -J

Ch.3 - absolutely brilliant. A1. I'm there with Jim. Excellent characterisation. Flawless, seamless and fluid telling. I don't have anything fancy to say, except that so far it's the best work I've read on here. It's pitched as being 'based' on a true story - is it your story? Maybe I shouldn't ask that, and then again, maybe you needn't pitch it as such - a true story, I mean. Because maybe it doesn't matter. It's the way you deliver, rather than the plot as such, that's got me ensnared. Although the story framework, thus far, is absolutely fine. The time, the sexual tension, the politics, the human tensions, and the filling of any available vacuum by the hippies with their lust for the new - are all well deserving of a wider audience. It's excellent. If we both falter at this fledgling stage, maybe we could get our heads together and co-write. You can count me in. In the meantime, may your apricots flourish and be plentiful!

M :-))

Just read two chapters, James, and this is word perfect, imo. You really captured me - I never dreamed I'd be so rivetted by apricots, if that's anything to go by (and I think it is!), and the feeling for the time and place is brilliant. I know Jim's only 18, but in my mind's eye I can see Will Oldham in the lead role, in the vein of 'Old Joy' perhaps.

Thank you. It's a well crafted pleasure to read!

Martyn :-))

Oh, Jeriah. It brought tears to my eyes that last chapter. Every time I opened this book and saw your first beautiful lines with the apricot orchard, it gladdened my heart. It was fitting to come full circle and end there. I like to do that with my stories too as life is all about circles and spirals. How sad you lost your girls but I am glad you now have contact with them again. It's good you wrote the auhtor's note rather than incorporating it as a part of the story because to learn it was real makes it so much more shocking and has impact. Sadly, we were warned that their would be 'many who come after me' false prophets and golden idols (I see all this adulation of celebrities as something of the latter) We worship anything and anyone but God.
A moving story, beautifully and feelingly written, the best thing on the site for me personally...but I'm sure for many others too. I will come back and re-read it all again after a while. Good luck...may you find someone to publish it. If not make it an e-book at least. love Lorri

Lorri- I can't thank you enough for reading TAT to its end. One of the things I struggled with was how to end the book, and yes, I think you're correct, a circle is the best way to describe this. I was worried the reader would want more (about the group or prophet) but I had already hit over 100K words. But this book is ironically not about the group. In one sense, I would like the reader (assuming it is someone of our generation who has experienced similar things) can remember, or 'go back' to that point when we were younger and more idealistic--when we longed for spirit and meaning in our lives. In the end, Jim must find a way to 'see it' (the apricot orchard--life) as clearly as when he did the first time (starting out on the journey- a time of hope and discovery), in order to come full circle. Although he doesn't do this in this book, (in the end, the orchard is blurrry--'for now we see through a glass darkly, but then shall we see face to face') I have been asked by many who know me to write another book about the reuniting with my daughters, my work with law enforcement and the FBI to expose the criminal activities of the group, and to give background about my appearances on several television shows about the group. I've already written 30K words on it.

It is a book I would love to finish, as it would deal with one word: compassion. Compassion is the hardest thing to extend to others that have hurt or offended us. I had to learn it the hard way in respect to The Family Intl. After the murder/suicide in 2005, I found out about the abuse my children suffered at the hands of one of the groups most notorious sexual predators. I went balistic, contacted the media and FBI, helped with their investigation of the group world-wide, and caused such a stir that the group deemed me their number one "Arch-Enemy." So, how do you extend compassion? Should you extend compassion, to those who have abused your children? Its a very hard call, and I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed--but I did learn it. It was through working with my daughters and other survivors (helping these young people get a chance at life outside of the communes) of The Family that taught me compassion for this group that I had once wanted to obliterate from the face of the earth. Compassion is what Jim saw in chp one through the trees of the apricot orchard.
Thanks again for reading the entire book-Jim

Oh, Jeriah. It brought tears to my eyes that last chapter. Every time I opened this book and saw your first beautiful lines with the apricot orchard, it gladdened my heart. It was fitting to come full circle and end there. I like to do that with my stories too as life is all about circles and spirals. How sad you lost your girls but I am glad you now have contact with them again. It's good you wrote the auhtor's note rather than incorporating it as a part of the story because to learn it was real makes it so much more shocking and has impact. Sadly, we were warned that their would be 'many who come after me' false prophets and golden idols (I see all this adulation of celebrities as something of the latter) We worship anything and anyone but God.
A moving story, beautifully and feelingly written, the best thing on the site for me personally...but I'm sure for many others too. I will come back and re-read it all again after a while. Good luck...may you find someone to publish it. If not make it an e-book at least. love Lorri

Jim, just finished your opening chunk. Second time through I thought that Ch 2 might be better broken into two. When I joined the site I saw my chapters were long, so broke some into three. Might be a good idea for the printed page as well the site. best, andy

Hi Jim,
I was captured after para one. Still going!
I’m not into political correctness or grammar correctess, but as a reader I sometimes got deflected away fromyour brilliant storyline by verb tense switches. Lots of conditional tenses. To me, simple past makes your story more immediate, more engaging. I find your story nuanced and enticing complex, and think that using simpler verbs would help. Can you plunk us down in one basic timeline and let it rip from there ...
Will email micros
catchya, andy

I loved Ch 15. Dead glad Jim is coming to his senses and feel sad in a way about Chen as she is a person who is loyal to what she believes in, a great thing. Isn't it odd though how people understand different things from thwe written word. I'm finding that out even with the way people react to my stories. They see things I never intended, read people completely differently to my portrayal. I only say this to equate it with any book. The Bible as we well know, was written ages after events, a historical document of the Jews while the New Testament is also written - and edited by the church- long after Jesus died. How can we take each word and sentence literally when these books were written by Man? He is always a faulty creature and few have any real understanding of the Spirit of the holy books. Well, as always you have to have my rant, James. I am so grateful for this book of yours. Your wonderful way of placing it in such normal contexts and human reactions and dialogue make it all so very vivid. Long for the rest...keep at it! Lorri

Just read 13 and as always swept along with it. As Chen and her total lack of comprehension always got to me, I'm glad she's gone for a bit! Poor old Jim, though. He is the one rational, clear-seeing person around the place. Why do things born from true desire to change things and bring people back to the purity of God's words slowly but surely become corrupted. It happened to Christianity, Islam, Communism... In the end we become that which we despised..or thought we did. Jung would say it was our shadow side which we rail against yet love at the same time and eventually turn into in our later years! I have so changed into mine now I am older. I find no flaws but can't be bothered with looking for errors. I love your message and unique style. And the fact you remind me of things once mulled over and now..assimilated..yet at the same time neglected. I'll read 14 tomorrow. Lorri

Hi James,
Love the 1st five paras. Clean, spare prose but not spare emotions. Got me! Nice seamless tie in to song lyrics.
Para 6, Sent 2 seems a bit overwrought: the blinding sunburst, etc. Good end to Sent 2, though, and Sent 3 is a wrap.
Para 8, "our days as turners are officially over." I think it would help if you're explicit here and say "apricot turners" -> maybe even add 1 sent to tell us what an ap turner is/does? i gather you flip the fruit so it can dry, but would be good to get a one-liner about this type of gig.

"I got dismissed for a reason..." doesn't ring true. Maybe: Fired; Axed; Canned?

Hey, if you're into exchanging work for a more in-depth edit, I'm into micro edits that help hone a ms. We can still submit macro comments to the site, but also do an email exchange; say we email each other a 20-page chunk to start and return the feedback in the text. I find the site clunky as far as doing edits. I reckon it'll take me 3-4 weeks to return your 20 pages with my comments. If the mirco spin works for both of us, we could try another chunk.
email me: potter_andy@hotmail.com

Hi, I've just read chapter one and it's left me interested to where this is going. I'll be back for more soon. Good luck with it.

Michael.

Utterly believable---from page one onward. A joy to read---captures the anger/angst/fear/regret of the Vietnam era, and lays it open to the bone.

Watchlisting this, and I'll be back within a few days' time to finish it.

J, I slightly struggled with this chapter somewhere in the middle, my attention wandered a teeny bit but soon returned. I felt from the start that I didn't like Chen whereas I like Tabitha so much. So I wonder if Jim will stick it out with this zealot of a wife. I have my doubts. Now we have an interesting look at Moses and how he begins to degenerate in Jim's eyes because he is rightly aware that this modern Moses is in this whole thing for personal power and sexual greed, always permissible under the laws he himself has created. That's the difference between a false prophet and a real one. Ego is in it for the former and not for the latter. In no way did the original Moses when he brought the Commandments ever elaborate. The Laws are simple, obvious to a fool, the message clear and truthful. How idiotic the Moses of this commune sounds! I wouldn't have stayed another day. Are people really this gullible, I ask in despair. It's superb, Josh. I so love your book. Lorri

I've just twigged that Jeriah must be you COG name? I'm a bit slow at times.

Can't tell you how glad I feel to be back with friend Jim and his struggles. How well you show his struggle too. His natural youthful dislike of authority which is a good thing in the young as it makes them question ideas and ideals that have become old, dead and rigid with time. The young of evey generation have to keep questioning, rebelling or things would simply fossilise and die. People of the Moses ilk are the ones who get power from keeping things rigid, unbending for everyone else but themselves. They are a law unto themselves.
I like the line 'like Lazarus in his tomb'
Just a thought about the sentence 'if she (suzanna) was to be spun off to Hell...then i wanted no part of this Hell. Did you mean this? That he didn't want a part of her Hell or rather that 'I wanted no part of Mose's Heaven,' I think that's your intention but I may be wrong.
I like the Beatle's bit about 'if I was a carpenter' .
I am susp[icious of Moses and all these girls he keeps about him. Sounds your typical wanking pseudo spiritual leader to me. As I said, make their own rules and mis use their power.
If you decide not to put up all your story, i would like you to send it me when finished or published because it is so well written, your scenes always so evocative, I can only assume you kept a diary at the time for such recall. Plus you have somethign to say and have the courage to say it in an age when mentioning God is considered madness. Here in England it is, anyway, not so much in the States, thankfully. Lorri

This is very nice but if I remember correctly (I was in high school in 1970), "dude" was not a word we ever used then. I love the bit about the worst thing a person can lose is his voice. Very engaging writing. I'm backing this and will come back to read more later one. Thanks for posting it so we can enjoy the lovely images.

I'm slightly uncomfortable with the brides analogy, especially when his friend Nick enters into it and says he's holding out for Cinderella.. it's unusual for one character to share the metaphorical identifications of another... also, what abstraction wuld be represented by the Cinderella Nick mentions???

"But a product of my time and generation" - you put that in the prsent tense when the paras surrounding it are in the past. Actually, I'm not sure you need the sentence at all, of course he's a product etc.. You could jump straight from "in God" to something like "I didn't want someone shoving an M16 into my hands telling me to go round SEASia spreading the good news.."

I like the bit about the turning and the slogan which demands it.. could come earlier that, as it somehwo beautifully encapsualtes where he's at, in a world where slogans (and empty rhetoric) make you do pointless stuff... I'd consider working this into the opening of Ch 1. Without going the full hog into pretentious symbolism, I think he would be allowed to compare himself to one of those preciously turned apricots..

El Gordo's great and his advice and stuff, combines scene setting with some action, good.

The Mom and Dad info I'd suggest you drip in in little bits, separated, rather than in a standalone para. You could feed in a thought here and there earlier I reckon..

OKay, so off he goes with the Gibson guy.. I'll be back for 3 soonish.

This is a good start, there may be a touch more exposition than necessary, cos his situation's pretty clear. There was also a bit where i thought Nick was being used a little too mechanically, he seems more unsympathetic than he needs to be, I mean they're still friends, right? but also, when he said "Pipe dreams" as the first thing he said that seemed a bit strange, is that Nick's nickname for him?

Best,

Freddie

F- On the brides- later on in the book, Nick and Jim have a conversation re the brides, so you may be more comfortable with this passage after reading further. Chps 4&5 return to Jim and Nick's relationship before Jim leaves town in chp one (the chps are out of chronological sequence for a reason). Most readers will identify Cinderella as a romantic fable-(i.e.;life starts when the 'right' man comes along) this is what Nick is implying about Jim's desire to 'hit the road.' Many of my gen did exactly this- hit the road with a 'romatic' notion of what life would be like. This is also why Nick says 'pipe dreams' - a common saying among youth who didn't hit the road or experiment with spiritualism or drugs, a derogatory reference.- But this too is illucidated in chp 5. -

So, I see some of the issues you are having may be due to the placement of chapters. When you get to chps 4&5, you may think that these chps should come before chp one- So, I will be interested in your comments when you get to them. For dramatic effect, I chose to start the story with Jim's last day turning apricots and beginning his journey on the road. A necessary backtrack to events before this start date are taken up in chps 4&5.

I didn't want to openly compare Jim to the apricots at the opening- I wanted it to be a more subtle realization by the reader- which you've proven it is. But I see from several comments that chps one and two need somehow to be condensed into one chapter. I will be playing with this soon, and I think all of the comments made have validity- there are some repititious stuff, and some unnecessary exposition that can be removed and make these chps flow into chp three easier and sooner.

You've caught Nick's disdain for Jim- but this is more palatable after you read chp 5. I want the reader to feel that Nick is a little too 'mean spirited' toward Jim and then find later on that this is not at all Nick's intention, but rather his knee-jerk reaction , and exasperation with Jim's leaving town. So, your reaction that Nick may seem too unsympathetic is crucial- I want him to seem upset at Jim, but I don't want the reader to feel that I'm drawing a flat or one-deminsional characterization of him.
Your comments are extremely helpful and when I put them together with other's, I see some particular changes that can be made that will greatly help with the movement and understanding of the story.-Thanks again, and I will continue to read HK.-J