The Zodiac Hunters

I want to buy this.

No joke :)

It's rough in spots, but its engaging and fun. I like how cars are now a part of "history" and how people have gone back to some of the old ways. I've only read the first chapter, but I'll definetly be back for more.

All in all, theres something refreshing about your voice. I can't put my finger on it, but I like it. Backed and starred with pleasure.

Keep up the good work :)

~Sun and Moon

~Shaliken

Hi Sam,

I was drawn to your novel because we share a love of the fantasy genre - also Sabriel is one of my recent discoveries and sits at the forefront of my bookshelf at home.

Your novel is engaging from the off and sets the scene well - this is 300 years after our time and fossil fuels are a thing of the past. The countries and landscapes are not entirely unfamiliar, as you mention Athens and the Greek islands, for example; but our protagonist has also explored Atlantis so there is clearly still more for us to learn about this world.

Your descriptions are lucid and powerful, and phrases such as "decay had taken a large bite out of the floorboards" tell the story in a light-hearted and fantastical way.

I look forward to discovering more about your world as I read on.
MK

Very strong story with cracking fantasy elements, very fluid, visual start that sets the seeds for the rest of the novel, good character in Kaylen, multi layered and individual. backed with pleasure

Fascinating subject. Sounds like ti comes from some of Sitchen's Earth Chronicles in terms of background and history. Good luck with your book.

JMC
Among Women

This is a winner. Your protagonists are likable. Your descriptions are cinematic. I can hear, smell and feel your settings as well as see them. You salt your narrative with brilliant metaphors (i.e., skimming over mud puddles as if they were pools of glass) and superb similies. Your dialogue is believable and interesting. Your world building is awesome. This is a masterfully crafted, original YA fantasy. Backed.

Has some promise due to good start, though not my type of read.
Dai Alanye

Poorly written, and ill-conceived.

Sam when didi you last check THE LOST MONKS OFAVALON......www.orbisavalon.com enjoy..

Hi Sam,

Finally got round to this on my thread and, while you're right and it's not my genre, I breezed through the first few chapters. I find with fantasy my problem is just an inability to imagine the world clearly enough and move past names like Mariabella. Great name for a horse but I spend so long working out how to pronounce it I get frustrated! I think that's why I stick to more literal fiction! However, I can see myself if I was a few years younger getting so stuck into this and wanting to be part of the adventure. I loved Ch. 1 and the way it started - what a clever hook! All the best with this. It may not be for me but there will be so many who love it.

Alex
F.M.F.

Sam,
Your descriptive writing leaves the reader with the feeling of being in the scene as it is played out. Your style has a type of "old world" feel, maybe not exactly that, but something very different than anything I've read before. Good Luck with this! Rated and backed...

Gretchen

HAVE YOU MOVED MANY COPIES?

Sam have you visited WWW.ORBISAVALON recently....you will be surprised...ANIME IS GOOD...

The Silent Apostle is printed and ebook....

This is brilliant!! Your writing style is so clear and full of imagery. I got the feeling of mystery immediately - nothing like a swirling mist around a stranger on horse back to conjour up images of dark mystery. As a lover of the fantasy genre I was drawn in by your pitch, which is also well written.
This is certainly something new, not just a re-write of past fantasy novels and it is done very well.
Very highly starred and on WL but to be backed in a few days when I will reorganise my shelf!!
Well done!

Mae
'Ignited'

Hi Sam,

I thought I was too old for the fantasy stuff and here I am devouring chapter after chapter of the Zodiac Hunters. i think partly it has to do with how my zodiac sign fares, but lo! it was the sheer strength of the narrative which helped me along. Nobody could have got the characterization of Kaylen better.

Can't help but be published.
For my part i have showered stars over it and placed it on my WL until I find a place for it on my BS.

All the best.
Jay Adiyarath
EXPIRY DATE

Sam,

When it comes to the setting, you have it nailed. I can see everything you have described, and it all works brilliantly in your story! Also, you really have a way with words. Your language is not only descriptive, but it really highlights the characters as well.

I saw a totally different picture in my head when I read about Charles to when I read about Kaylen - and both had a different feel to them. When I read about Charles, I felt his passion for the past as he walked through the old ruins of his ancestor's home; I felt the excitement as he figured out the riddle on the diary page and discovered the secret library; and I felt his terror when he thought he was trapped. When I read about, Kaylen, however, it seemed more like a pirate adventure story - all about the next raid, but you could clearly see his anticipation to go home as well. I'm excited to see how you bring the two together. I'm assuming you'll do it pretty effortlessly seeing as how you are a very talented writer.

Also, I'm very interested in the golden medallion that Charles found and the necklace that Kaylen keeps touching. The repetition of him constantly touching it obviously means it's important.

Just a few things but totally minor!

I feel more connected with Charles than I do with Kaylen. No idea why. It could just be me, but I felt like I knew more about the way Charles felt about things. Mind you, I probably just need to read further to learn more about Kaelyn, but I don't really know how he feels about the people around him yet. I know he wants to go home, that his necklace is important, and he really hates climbing and long hikes (me too!), but what does he think of Ricky, Alex, Marcus, and Captain Razmuth? Again, I still have much more to read, so I'm sure I'll find this out. They're just my initial thoughts.

Some grammar stuff I saw - just things I saw while I was reading (I'm a grammar teacher, so please excuse my crazy, minor grammar corrections):

Kaylen followed her finger, and caught sight of a grey haze where the ocean met the sky. (Edit: --> Kaylen followed her finger and caught sight of a grey haze where the ocean met the sky.) You don't need the comma before and. It's not two independent clauses. It's one independent clause with two verbs and two direct objects and then a dependent clause. Not commas needed! :)

"How he loves to exaggerate." Her eyes shifted to Kaylen, a smirk on her lips. (Edit - "How he loves to exaggerate," Her eyes shifted to Kaylen, a smirk on her lips.) --> This was the only place I saw this. You do it correctly every other time. Just put a comma in place of the period to separate the first quote from the explanatory words.

"Now, I know we've got a hold almost filled to capacity, but when we were docked in Alexandria a birdie told me that Lesvos found some artefacts under one o' their historic chuches." (Edit - "Now, I know we've got a hold almost filled to capacity, but when we were docked in Alexandria, a birdie told me that Lesvos found some artefacts under one o' their historic chuches.") Separate dependent clauses from independent clauses when the dependent clause comes first.

It was a couple of years since he'd been to Lesvos, he could hardly recall the island's layout. (Edit - It was a couple of years since he'd been to Lesvos; he could hardly recall the island's layout.) Two independent clauses need a semicolon or a comma with a conjunction.

Statues of the ancient deities stared impasively above the entrance, as if to pass judgement over those who had forsaken them. (Edit - Statues of the ancient deities stared impasively above the entrance as if to pass judgement over those who had forsaken them.) I understand why you put the comma here. The natural pause sounds right, but from a grammar standpoint 'as if to pass judgement..." is a dependent clause, and it doesn't need the comma if it comes after the independent.


"I'll take those two on the left, you can have the fat ones on the stairs." (Edit - "I'll take those two on the left; you can have the fat ones on the stairs.") Again, two independent clauses need the semicolon.

Sorry for the grammar nazi stuff. I really love editing (I just sometimes have a hard time doing it on my own work - funny how that stuff works).

Overall, great read. You have a fantastic voice and a serious talent for writing. I would certainly buy this book if it were published. I look forward to reading more!

-Lexx

The Zodiac Hunters
fiction 3rd person

Premise, a modern (?) pirate discovers relics that lead him on a quest for answers to his own history.

Pacing: Having read through Ch 3, I found that this story moves right along, with enough energy and intrigue to keep the pages turning.

POV: strongly held in the MC's POV. Well done.

Mechanics: As far as I could tell, the mechanics are very strong.

Characters: IMO, there could be a deeper connection to the MC with more visceral emotions. It was difficult for me to connect to Kaylen. Perhaps some deeper disappointment when the course was altered. Also, I was confused about the twins and had to re-visit that part.

Overall: The visuals are excellent. I think it is a dynamic plot, well supported through Ch 3.

Raechel
Echo

Sam,
You have a knack for visuals, your vistas awe-inspiring, your action scenes palpable. "The Zodiac Hunters" opens with an effective mood-setter, your character picking his way through an ancient castle draped in fog testing the elasticity of one's imagination to accommodate magical adventure and lurking gods just a breath away. Kaylen is a sympathetic player one can identify with and cheer on. Thank you so much.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Hi,
I read the first five chapters which were all action packed from woe to go.
The writing is flawless and I was never jarred by any edits or awkward sentences.
I really liked the prologue and Charles initial discovery, from there we are taken on a journey with Kaylen and his pirate friends as he makes another discovery of the zodiac relics. This does have elements of the Indiana Jones type adventure story, so you would appeal to a wide fantasy audience.
The dragon appearing in chapter five was unexpected and cool.
I will add to my watch list and give it some shelf time in the coming weeks,
Cheers Jacoba

I want to buy this.

No joke :)

It's rough in spots, but its engaging and fun. I like how cars are now a part of "history" and how people have gone back to some of the old ways. I've only read the first chapter, but I'll definetly be back for more.

All in all, theres something refreshing about your voice. I can't put my finger on it, but I like it. Backed and starred with pleasure.

Keep up the good work :)

~Sun and Moon

~Shaliken

I'm not a big fantasy fan, or so I keep telling myself, but I was intrigued especially by your prologue. It had a mummy/Indiana Jones of the future feeling in it. Your descriptions are vivid and real throughout. When your story switches POV's, the story still stays with me. Happy to place this on my shelf!

Brittany E.
Melaney and The Mirror/ My Last Notes

Slow reader that I am, I'm not far, but you've got me hooked! The only thing I can complain about are a few typos (I can't remember what any of them are, I just remember seeing some and thinking "oops!").

Your plot line is captivating, your descriptions are great and to the point. Each of your characters seem to have hidden depths that I want to know more about. I'm looking forwards to reading more, and perhaps I'll even find some useful suggestions for you :P

P.S. I think Kaylen is a girl's name... but it may just be the way I'm reading it.

Hi Sam, I’ve only had time to read your prologue so far, but I thought I would comment as I loved it so much. Before you read it, please be aware that I am a pain in the arse when it comes to things like this and I have a tendency to be brutally honest! I love the riddle section, very clever and I got so engrossed in the story after that I forgot to nit-pick! I’ll be reading more as soon as I had time but so far I’m intrigued. I love your writing style, its elegant and simple, yet very engaging without over-facing you. The concept is great, I really like this futuristic world that seems to have regressed in terms of technology; when I first started reading I assumed it was set in the past, or in another world, it was a fabulous surprise to find I was wrong on both counts! I am not dying to know who that voice is and what he will find on his little expedition! Really, very impressed, will read more when I have time xx
Here are a few observations:
‘Fame and fortune had swept him in their arms’ – should that be ‘up in’ or ‘into’ their arms?
‘Car parts littering his family estate made his blood boil.’ – sorry but I have a slight hang up on clichés and ‘blood boil’ is one of them, right up there along with blood turning to ice!
‘Let them rot’ – can car parts rot? I’m terrible at things like this, I have no idea, but by initial thought on reading that was: “Wouldn’t they rust?”
Took me a sec to figure out that the paragraph of the letter was him reading the letter – it might just be authonomy limitations but can you indent the paragraph, or put it in italics?
He found Atlantis! That’s SO COOL! I’m determined to ‘find’ it myself one day, by that I mean figure out where the myth really originated! Love it, such a tiny little sentence, but my appreciation of the character and his associates just shot up! Can’t wait to meet Charles now!
‘The rest of the lower ground was no-go’ – should that me ‘a no-go’?
‘Decay had torn through the floor board’ – love that!

Exciting opening. I like Charles already. It has sort of an Indiana Jones feel.

When you are reading from a note, you should put it in italics or bold to differentiate it from the text.

At the point Charles is trapped, the novel should slow down a bit as he dwells on his fear. What would he lose and who would he miss if he can’t escape?

Think about using cliffhangers as chapter breaks. You have a couple good ones that would do.

This is a fun book. I'll back it.

Brian

The Relic Hunter Chapter 4, read

These are some thoughts I had and for you to THING about.

If pirate had a strange man tell him he is a relic hunter and disappeared before his eyes; would he not be on edge? He would be wound so tight, ANY snap, pop or clink and he would assume a fighting stance. Eyes wide, hearing sharp, heart pounding, breathing erratic, nerves shot.

In fighting stance, man is still, I believe, pirate would not be, hard to hit a moving target, coiled spring, more like. On the balls of his feet, like in sports, ready to enter the game and moving, reacting to WHAT is happening. Is he thinking, how do I defend myself from this man? Close your eyes and see the scene, mimic him, use camera and act-it-out, and watch to pick up any extra, to add more suspense. Youth vs. older age.

What does he smell—fear, dread, my life or his? How to attack? How to defend oneself from one who suddenly appeared before you? Does the coin move close to him, waiting for him to relax fighting stance? I know I would! Every nerve firing on endorphins.

The twelve columns could create trouble. Does he use them as shields? Are they glowing too?

Lead Up:

I am still not sure if he is crawling or stepping slowly, it is still not clear.
Can you feel his dread? Is he excited? How So? A little glimpse of battle? Any inner thoughts? Can he anticipate the moves? You mentioned a coppery smell! Is it blood? But How’s?
When pulling sword out from belt? Or what? Does the mud make a sound as he steps? Lightly, as on a swaying ship? Graceful! Sure!

Dead, rotten leaves could!


When in open, no shadows, what is the eyesight? Clear! Hazy? Columns coming down, nearly skewering him. Dust COULD form! Coughing, hard to breath, SEE! Go by instinct, he does, anticipating moves.

The medallion—security charm maybe. When other man runs, a bump, takes it then! Very heightened alert. Hair on end! Like that one day when…

Get into his mind, feel the fear, excitement? Would he feel high? As you do when you save a life? One critical observation overlooked THAT caused the attack.

Earthquake rumbles—I have experienced them—quit a few, in fact. Woken from a dead sleep a split second before it hits, awake, frightened, in a billionth of a second—THINKING about surviving the ride. Where to go, what to do. Panic—calm, nervous, making right decisions.

Do not hate me because… I am SPECIAL! Ask people who have been there! Sounds! thoughts! Feelings!

Richard A. Wentworth (The Alliance of Worldbuilders, Dream Catcher)
Aracelis

Well I've read the first three chapters and it's definitely a fun ride! You balance information and action equally so that you are attracting the attention of the reader but telling them needed stuff as well. The prologue definitely caught my attention because I was fascinated with the character in it. The next two chapters I read were just plain fun, even if it involved a little lawbreaking! Will be reading more soon!

Hi Sam

I've added this to my watch list with the intention of reading it later. I've read the prologue & 1st chapter & I must say I'm impressed & captivated. The story draws you in straight away. I'll finish it one day, I promise!

All the best

Pam
The King's Blessing

Zodiac Hunters is a captivating tale that fits well with the Fantasy and YA genre. Prologue: Snowy-haired Charles Maxwell, an archaeologist, arrives at the castle― the Maxwell estate. Excellent visual of his shortsightedness by a long-armed read of a diary page. Puddles and ivy give us a visual of a lush area even though the castle is dilapidated, and decaying floorboards alert the mind to danger. But he finds what he is looking for, and questions begin to float through a reader’s mind. The strength of this book is the plot, twists and turns, and a yet to be revealed conclusion. I long to know more of Adrian, the mastermind of this puzzle and what he was hiding. And so Charles finds a tunnel and a library, and a statue engraved with a poem. We are spellbound and want to turn the page. Kaylen’s scorpion necklace, although subtly touched on, provides a hook. A lucky talisman perhaps.

Nits:
He replaced it gently, stirring a spell of dust. (A layer perhaps? – rather than spell).

A stunted door― would Charles have crawled through this? ‘Stunted’ gives the impression of ‘very small’ rather than meager. (Perhaps it’s just me.)

I was confused by some dialogue. “All hands t’ me.” Who said this?

After a fast prologue, the pace slows at little at the beginning of Chapter 1 and then picks up like a windstorm with the informal visit to Lesvos.

I will definitely be reading on. So far, a healthy sprinkling of stars. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I've read to the beginning of chapter 4. I am still really enjoying this. You have a poetic way of writing and describing things that is quite beautiful and feels fresh and original. The only thing I would say is that at the beginning of, I think it was, chapter 2, there was a paragraph where the adjectives seemed to be taking over a bit. So I wouldn't over use them.
Also, another thing bothered me. The stranger in the Prologue and Kaylen in chapter 4 both have a series of happy accidents. The stranger drops the mask revealing the necklace, and Kaylen stumbles, finds an object because of it, and then gets lost in the right place. Be careful of too many coincidences. Having said that the riddle with the clock in the Prologue was beautiful and it reminded me of the fantasy game - Myst, which I love.
I'll read on it a bit.
Sana

I haven't read much so far. But what a change! What world building, and research you have done. I'm really loving both the prologue and chapter 1.

I'll carry on reading now, without my critical eye distracting me.

All the best, Sana

Hi Sam.
Chapter 10
These I want you to look at, stuck out when reading:
"He threw his hands into his lap" my god the family jewels could be harmed--I'm trying to get and understand how that can happen, so did he take his hands off and throw them? When you throw, something leaves your hand. I understand what your doing but...

"accompanying the ringing of his chains as he walked..." I think chains clank or metalic clatter.
This one paragraph "Moreover, he was kicking himself..." you say the political affairs, however Risa said the same thing a few sentences before and the next sentence after the political affair comment, is the same thing. So in the paragraph, one after the other, you repeat yourself. But if you take out the affairs line--problem solved--than again, you can leave it in to see if any one picks up on the double sentence.

And later, after the new guard runs them down, the chains appeared to be gone. When they are walking and the chains are rattling and he's looking around--you can play with this to add dread or a surprise. Maybe a pirate joke too to take the tension away or to be silly. That might be a bad idea, piss-off the read and they stop reading, but It could set them up for the dragon strike. Catch them off-guard and strike

You would think he can sense the dragon before it strikes. You gave a good clue with the talisman or charm vibrating, but with some of the dragons blood on the sword and possibly on him, you can create a feel that he can feel the dragons present as it gets near, BLOOD OF DRAGONS INCREASE AWARENESS

Well I'm off, I have five more to read

Rich W

This is very well written. I like the personification. I don't really have much more to say, since I didn't find any mistakes or anything that bothered me. I didn't read much, but what I did read was interesting.

Halloo, good Lady,
Read a few more chapters and you held my attention, always a sucker for a pirate's lore.
Anyway, enjoying so far but three things bothered me.
1. Description of ship: all we get is top boom, Main mast, Poop deck and hardly any about the ship. I thought the ship was a sail ship,because thats all we get from 2-5 but in the 6 th Chapter was when I found out it had an engine, maybe work in sooner to let us know its engine and sailed powered. Just don't go over board like I do!!!

2. When inside tunnel, a sentence -"They were now under the hill by the church"--something in that order, you might not need that--a nit-pick?
And when he's feeling the wall, (I thought) he was standing and feeling along. But next sentence, his knees are rubbing the flagstone (to me, he's on his knees now) and all of a sudden on his feet again without explanation. Might want to check out and see for your self.

3. Fight sequence was quick with dragon. Some reactions from others, but a dragon on a ship should cause a commotion of some kind. It was more ho-hum, every day we have a dragon to fight on ship. Like you said THINK about what you liked and what you did not. Or caused one to go back for a second read.

Later,

Rich W
Aracelis

Hi Sam,
Looked at your first chapter and I see what you mean by drawing the reader in. Placing the reader in the room was great and could see what he was doing, I'll read more and get tips to help me with Aracelis.
Later,
Richard A. Wentworth
Aracelis

Hi, Sam! I finally got around to critting your book since you were so lovely to look at mine. As always, take with appropriate doses of salt.

Prologue – Nothing to crit. It read well and moved quickly; I was reminded a bit of Lara Croft as I followed Charles through the castle.

Chapter One – Would a seagull really yowl? I’d think it would screech, maybe scream or shriek or something like that. Yowl seems a little more appropriate to a cat than a bird.

Chapter Two – “Let us hurry…” Could perhaps be “Let’s hurry”? I think it would flow better with the rest of the dialogue. It sounds a little too formal. Also, should “impacted” maybe be “compacted?”

Chapter Three – “There was little else to be heard…” Could “however” be “but” instead? It reads better to me that way.

I read the Prologue through Chapter Five and had to force myself to stop reading so that I could get actual work done (you know, the kind that pays...). You have such a well-written story that I really had to struggle to find anything to crit. Good luck with this, and good luck in Canada!

First sorry that it took so many days to get to read your book and now that I have I am sorry that I wanted so long. This is actual a well written and interesting first chapter and will read more and add to my shelf. Of what I read it sounds a little like the first couple of hundred years after the world fall apart in Terry Brooks world of Shannara and he is one of my main influence so I will most likely fully enjoy this book.

Whoa! Love it. Please, please, please put the rest of it on here!! Kaylen's such a good character and the idea of the star signs is used beautifully. The fact that its set in a future that is so much like our past makes it mysterious but easy to grasp at the same time. For example, if they don't visit the fabled city of Atlantis - tantalisingly mentioned as if it were of no concern by Charles, how annoying!! :P - I'd be bitterly disappointed ;) There are great mysteries to be uncovered and intriguing characters of unknown origins - lovely stuff!!

Amy
x

Hi Sam

Here is a little comment as something bothered me early on, very early, In fact it was the first sentence :)

You say "Charles Maxwell yanked on Maribella's reins" but this caused a moments confusion to me as you are not instantly aware it is a horse, and it is not until you carry on that you regain your sense of what is happening.

It could maybe have done with you establishing that it was a horse in the first sentence, so something like "Charles Maxwell yanked on his horse's reins, urging Maribella off the road."

If you lose your readers attention with a confusing first sentence then you are already trying to recapture their interest in the book.

I hope this was of use to you, I just think that is good to establish where you are and who is involved in the scene early, so the reader isn't lost before they have really started.

I might be back to comment on the second sentence next time :)

Good luck with the book

Stephen

Hi Sam! I'm sorry my critique is so late in coming, but for all the time I spent trying to manufacture a snappy critique, I have nothing much to say. Your book is at a very mature stage of development, and there's nothing I'd change. From the start, I was swept away by your flowing style of writing. When Kaylen was introduced, the story truly captured my attention. This is a story I will return to. Love the cover art as well. Sidenote: I do appreciate the helpful comments you made on my story and I took many of your points into consideration when revising my first two chapters. I really want to thank you for the time you took to look it over. Good luck with your book- it deserves publication.

Just realized I commented too soon. I didn't realize it was just the prologue and thought I had read the first chapter. :-D

I still really like it, though my comments on Charles I suppose were a bit off, since he wasn't the MC. Kaylen is fun and I'm looking forward to seeing what his story is. I like the modernization of the pirates, with the sunglasses and Hawiian shirts, even though they still are wearing sword belts and swords. I also like the line about navigating through the 'oil tanker graveyard.'

Em

Sam,
I really like the idea of the future being almost a regression of our technological progress. It gives your work an unique feel of familiarity while using some historical elements. A very fun take on setting!

I have this feeling of Charles being similar to Indiana Jones in the latest installment --- kind of on the older side but not ready to hang up his whip yet. It's a nice change from young, dashing adventurers. (Not that there's anything wrong with them. ;-) )

Very nicely done!
Emily

Sam,
I really like the idea of the future being almost a regression of our technological progress. It gives your work an unique feel of familiarity while using some historical elements. A very fun take on setting!

I have this feeling of Charles being similar to Indiana Jones in the latest installment --- kind of on the older side but not ready to hang up his whip yet. It's a nice change from young, dashing adventurers. (Not that there's anything wrong with them. ;-) )

Very nicely done!
Emily

Precursor: I try to avoid making too many specific comments about things like grammar and such. I am an English teacher and find that I get too drawn into fixing that stuff when I review other people’s works that it takes me forever to get through it. I may point out some common mistakes you make but I am not trying to be an editor! :)

Also, I prefer to just do the first few chapters of a book for critiquing purposes. If I tried to read everyone’s complete stories, it would take forever! Hopefully any helpful tidbits I can share with you can be extrapolated out into your writing. Hopefully I have something helpful to say! ;)

This review comes courtesy of the Alliance of Worldbuilders forum.

Sam,

CHARACTERS

Charles Maxwell (Prologue): I like this guy. Maybe it’s cause I like the old Tomb Raider series. And Indiana Jones. And Clive Cussler’s Dirk Pitt novels. Or the Nicholas Cage National Treasure movies. Whatever. Tomb hunting and mystery solving is always fun. The first riddle in the prologue is awesome and really sets the tone of your ‘Zodiac’ theme. Great stuff.

Kaylen (Ch. 1): We get an immediate sense of depth to him. The scorpion necklace gives us shades of the original riddle (maybe Kaylen, not Charles, represents the scorpion’s heart?). It’s established that he’s a fighter and a pirate on the ship but maybe he’s got more to him than even his companions know about. He is an intriguing MC.

Kaylen (Ch. 2): Still seeing more of the intrigue into his depths. Clearly he has debated (and had decided) that he should quit his current job but for what reasons?

Kaylen (Ch. 3): He seems to figure stuff out pretty quick. He also seemed to accept the strangeness of the interaction with Charles (?). Either that, or he just shook it off pretty easily in his ‘let’s get the hell out of here’ haste. There seems to be no general ‘acceptance’ of magic or mysticism in this world… so I would wonder if he would be even be able to just blow it off like he did and walk out.

Ricky (Ch. 1): He plays his role of gigolo pirate well. He, as of yet, does not have the depth and intrigue of Kaylen but if he is meant to serve as a contrasting character to the MC, then he does the job very well.

Alex (Ch. 1): A girl. Ricky’s twin. Don’t really know much about her other than her connection to Ricky and the typical twin-like bantering.

Mystery Man (Ch. 1): Okay, who the crap is this guy? I know I wanna know.

PLOT

Prologue: I am very fearful of prologues. Most of the time they are a waste of time and give information that detracts from the main story and could have been inserted later in the book as backstory. This, however, sets things up very well. You don’t tell a whole separate story here… you get is under your world quickly and we know what we’ll expect to see (hopefully more riddles and puzzles and tomb raiding!). Charles is awesome and I hope at least the echo of him (if not he himself) continues further in the story.

Chapter One: PIRATES! You had me at pirates. ☺ The transition from the prologue was great. Oftentimes the message from the prologue is lost for pages upon pages. We immediately know that the relics found in Lesvos are connected to Charles, even if the pirates don’t.

Chapter Two: The action is good and there is some nice dialogue between the friends, especially Alex and Kaylen. The ending really confused me. It seems like he just ran through the woods and found an untouched ancient ruin. Considering how much you have emphasized the recent explosion in interest, I would have thought anything that easily findable would have already been searched through. Unless this is some sort of Narnian ‘back of the warddrobe’ kind of situations that has yet to be explained, it seems a little convenient.

Chapter Three: I totally pictured Kaylen as Lone Star from Spaceballs, based on the whole ‘I don’t know what this pendant’ is for. Sorry about that but it did make me giggle. :) I love the interaction with Kaylen and (it would seem) Charles Maxwell. There is definitely a lot of explaining to do from the Prologue to this interaction… and this is where backstory will become wonderful as Kaylen gets engrossed into this new adventure.

WORLDBUILDING

Initially, I thought this was more other-wordly fantasy but see that it is more of an other-timely piece. Obviously we are dealing with a story that takes place in our real world but in an older time. This makes ‘worldbuilding’ less of an important factor and ‘timesetting’ replaces it. Thus I shall examine.

VOICE/PACING

Early on I notice a very common sentence structure for you: Independent Clause-Comma-Dependent (‘ing’ verb) Clause or the inverse. Try to mix it up a little bit. Don’t be afraid to just put a period and start a new sentence. Using the same structure for a lot of sentences kind of lulls the reader into a rhythm. Not good. Gotta keep us paying attention. :)

As I was reading further in, I see that this continues for you. I sometimes had to reread paragraphs because the regular cadence of your sentence structure became so rhythmic I had to stop to pay attention. Definitely need to work on varying sentence structure a bit.

GRAMMAR/PUNCTUATION/ETC

After reading a few paragraphs from the beginning, I notice that you have an affinity for the comma. Most of the time you are using it correctly but you still use a lot (ex, first paragraph: 9 commas in 6 sentences [5 in the final one]).

Your incorrect usage is a very common one: before the words ‘and’ and ‘but’ when they are serving as conjunctions (a comma before ‘and’ when it is a list is optional but not incorrect). I find people use a comma to serve as a pause in the sentence. Commas are not pauses. Periods are (sometimes a semicolon can be a pause too but beware the semicolon; it is a dangerous friend). Read your work out loud and you will catch when you do this. I personally found I did it a ton in my own writing.

You use underlining in the prologue. You should not use underlining. There are two issues with this. Italics has replaced underlining in print (originally, underlining was really the only option for making words/phrases stand out). Use italics instead of underlining… please! ☺

The second issue is more modern. Underlining has been taken by programmers for hyperlinks in web design. Especially if you plan on releasing an eBook, underlining is a big no-no. Natural response in today’s day is to click on underlined words.

Here is a great guideline for when to use underlining: http://userpages.monmouth.com/~colonel/underline.html

OVERALL OPINION

It is definitely a great story so far and a wonderful concept. I am very much a fan of plots centering on deeper concepts (such as that of the zodiac and underlying astrological implications). Also, as a fan of fantasy and especially video game RPG fantasy, I can see where they heavily influence you as well. Mysterious origins, sudden infusion of mysticism in an otherwise non-magical world, discovery of ancient artifacts: all great signs of a good classic fantasy story.

Your characters are compelling. Charles and Kaylen are really the only two that I got to know through the first three chapters but they definitely kept my interest and I want to know more about them.

You definitely need to work on comma usage and sentence structure. This will greatly improve the readability of your wonderful ideas. It is original in its own way and that is hard to do in our flooded genre. I think you have a great foundation and that this can be a wonderful book.

Best of luck, Sam!

-Jeremy Rodden
Toonopolis: Gemini

Sam,

I am only going to say this is awesome, because that is all I have to say...

This is something new of something that has been done before. (I don't make sense :), you've read my writing)

So you will then clearly understand that you have created something else here.

I believe that polishing it up will suffice.

We suffer from two of the same problems in our writing, that being, keeping the reader focussed on one person, but jumping to another. I get it, most won't. Then they get confused who you are speaking about. I'm working on this myself and well I can only offer help here...

The other problem we as fantasy writers have is to reveal too much, but are we :) For example when Charles believes the ridle could be cracked by anyone. Why do we say this? We should rather let the reader figure it out.

My book does muchthe same, for the chapters loaded here, but I did it on purpose.

Let me know when you have an edited version so I can read this again.

Gil

I've read chaps. 1&2 and will be back. I know I see folks fuss about prologues, but I loved yours. I also like the mixture of hints of future earth with old, pirate times.

J

HI,
I can see the energy in your writing. It is completely awesome. I wish I could read it completely.
All The best.
S.Vinay kumar
10 roses for love

First I will state that this is only one individuals opinion and by no means am I a professional critiquer. I am only mentioning what stands out to me and what may confuse or distract myself. You can take it or leave it . . .

Great opening in the prologue, loved the introduction and the mystery surrounding it. I wanted to read more.

Chapter 1

Already like Kaylen and Alexandra, however, Kaylen—I’m having a hard time with the name—I keep thinking it’s a female. I know—weird huh? And I’m not just saying this because you mention my character’s name sounded like a spice. : ) Cayenne, he he, he.

Alex is a great nickname, sounds strong for a female. She knows what she wants and how to get it—isn’t afraid of what lies ahead.

I’m a little confused now . . . whose speaking?

Kaylen and Alex rushed to the mainmast. Below the mainsail, Marcus was tying the clewline, while Ricky slouched against the wheel. He raised his hand in greeting, which let the sunlight sparkle off the sunglasses on his forehead.

“About time, Alex,” he chided . . . is it Marcus, Ricky or Kaylen continuing their conversation?

Whose Alex twin? I am assuming it is whoever was speaking in the previous section I noted. Ricky?

Noted a number of formatting issues when starting a new paragraph—sometimes it’s indented and sometimes not. It could have to do with the file being imported into Authonomy’s site. I had issues at first and had to get it worked out.

Chapter 2

Don’t have much to say other than the formatting issue again. Loved the ending—leaving you hanging.

There is a great balance of mystery and action, smooth and intriguing.

You are a very talented writer and the way your words come together on the page is impressive. You said you were green with envy—well I am green as well. Good job!

Lisa
(Cheyenne - A Timeless Series Novel)

Your story is very engaging; my only critique concerns the fluidity of your first two paragraphs in your prologue. Thought, It was well written. Way to go. Also, when you write: "artefact" do you mean to write: "artifact"?

An interesting concept and I enjoyed reading it. I do have a few points. One is there is a few grammatical errors but that can be easily fixed. The second would be with regard to your riddle. Instead of talking your way through it could you try re word it so the reader has to figure it out ?

For instance, describe the room more so we can put the pieces together. I didn't understand where you got half the information such as the clock and how does gemini match with that ? Although your book is called the Zodiac hunters it didn't click that you were already introducing the zodiac. You could add a paragraph like:

"Zodiac hunters. An amusing name thought Charles. After many years of using the star signs as a guide for hunting exotic and sometimes dangerous treasures, the name had stuck"

Or something like that. Just a bit more explanation so the reader doesn't get confused.

I look forward to reading more of your book.

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

Hi Sam,

Sadly, I haven't yet won the Nigerian lottery, so I'm here to peek at your book. :)

Please don't be offened by any suggestions I offer, as they will be well meaning. + you can always ignore me if you think I'm a moron. :)

1 I think there's a slight problem with your beginning, given the fact this book's YA. I've been reading quite a bit of YA recently, and 1 thing I've noticed is they always start fast, with something momentous happening. I think your 1st 3 paragraphs don't really have anything important in and could be cut/reworked. I understand you're trying to work in background info, but I think such details would do better worked into the story in a more interactive way. I'd start with him pulling his horse to a stop in front of the rusty gates -> him squinting -> him realising he forgot his glasses -> him recognising symbols -> there you can demonstrate his expertise, implying for the readers what his past is.

2 I don't think you need beats and dialogue tags at the same time. eg in "Good girl," Charles murmured, patting her sleek mane..." we can figure out who's speaking from the beat. So ""Good girl." Charles patted her sleek mane..." works better.

3 A minor suggestion here. When you write the diary pages, I'd suggest not just inserting it as dialogue. I think using a different font for such segments would help the words look and feel more like diary entries.

4 Be wary of unnecessary adverbs. 90% of the time, the right verb will do the job better than a weaker verb-adverb pair. eg in "...padded carefully across the floor..." the word "carefully" is redundant as "padded" implies the action is careful. In this case, I think you'd already done the job with "...padded across the floor..."

5 I think you sometimes tell things that would read better as shown. eg in "stones hissed past his ears, dislodged by his shuffling" you're telling us the stones are dislodged by him rather than showing him knocking the stones loose. In this case, I'd suggest showing him stumbling/knocking a stone/stones loose -> stone/s fall/s past him + crash to the floor. Actually, this 1 example brings up a 2nd issue. (ii) It's generally best to write cause -> effect (as I tried to do in my suggestion). The reader finds it easier to follow the events + it's usually easier for the writer to write and plot that way too.

Hang on. I know that example was a bit jumbled, so I'll try and pick out a few more examples for showing v telling.

eg1 "He could more than afford to use a coach..." = telling = uninvolving. Consider something like "He felt the coins in his pouch. A coach would be nice right now, but what if somebody recognised him? He sighed. Not worth the risk." Here, we're been shown the same information via actions and thoughts. we get into the character's head. It's more involving for the reader.

eg2 "Charles was confident that even this riddle could be cracked." = telling. "Charles smiled. Any riddle could be cracked." = showing.

6 I wouldn't have a character talking to himself unless you want him to seem eccentric or bonkers :). That said, I've seen it done is published books + maybe there's more leeway for that sort of thing in YA/MG. I just thought I should mention the thought.

OK I'll stop the nitpicking here as I don't want to discourage. I do think you have a good story here. I like the mystery and the riddle/puzzle feel to it all. I also like the setting. It's nicely atmospheric. I can see children reading and enjoying this.

The maion thing that kept jumping out at me were examples of telling. I think this does become a problem as it takes the reader out of the story and out of your character's POV. In this sort of story, I always try to filter everything through my POV character. I think it makes for a stronger, faster, more engrossing read.

That said, I'm sure you'll have a book that will interest an agent after a bit of polish. :)

best of luck with it,

Pete x

Great story has you hooked from the start, with a good pace and enough action to keep your interest. i'm sure YA will love this. Have only read the first three chapters so far, will be back to read more.
Starred and on my WL. Good luck with this.
Lindsey
Vortex

Unfortunately I have no time at the moment to look over your book but trust me I will. I too am an avid fan of fantasy books and so this was an instant eye catcher for me.

Will let you know what I think when I find the time (damn college work) but for now it is on my watchlist :)

All the best

Lesley-Ann (Ezeldren Spirit of Ezereth)

It's almost there, but not quite.

The action is executed to near perfection. Gripping, taut, well-wrought writing that carries me along with little chance of pulling away from the read. The premise promises a good yarn - a quest, no less - and there's enough mixing of the 17th and 23rd(?) centuries to make for an intriguing backcloth against which your players can perform.

The characters are ... a little stock; I don't yet get a feeling for them beyond the fact that the sister can be a somewhat over-protective, one of the men likes 'chasing skirt', the man in the black cowl is (probably) a bad sort. The captain feels more real to me than the MC, who seems to be built from generic heroic stock.

The 'aries' attack didn't glisten like the previous action - too sudden, perhaps? Possibly a little under-sketched?

Part of me thinks this needs another, considered, redrafting exercise to bring it to its best. Another part of me thinks that it could already be 'good enough' for the market - Dan Brown writes much worse than this (imnsho) but his plots and action keep on bringing in the punters, and this work has plot and action in spades.

However you take it forward, you have my best wishes. This story deserves an audience.

I think this is perfect for the young adult market .... Indiana Jones meets Captain Jack Sparrow .... first two chapters read so just MO thus far.

It's a well written and crafted story keeping my attention. I like your descriptive style and you have a nice flow with the dialogue .... easy to read with a good strong emphasis on adventure and the intrigue to come ... just what the youngsters like :D

You kept my interest with Kaylen's secret .... but I felt a bit frustrated with his 'shall I, shan't I' stance ... maybe that's just me .... impatient!!

I like this, Sam, and I'm sure it will do very well in it's chosen genre. Well done.

Mickey

In the queue for my shelf.

And that's a great cover btw ;)

Sam

As promised, I'm wearing my reader's hat.

I think you have a potentially captivating story here but I keep losing sight of it beneath the sheer weight of words. I'm not sure what stage you consider The Zodiac Hunters to be at. Truly finished? Or a full draft that will get more attention when you finish your exams? If it's the first, you might as well stop reading here. If it's the second then I urge you to tighten your prose, prune your cliches, and let the story out to play on its own.

Just a couple of quick examples of the good and the bad here.

Bad: Charles rides a mare. I'm not sure if this truly excludes his horse from being considered a Steed but my immediate reaction was that it does. And an immediate reaction is all it takes to lose a curious reader who picks up your book at Barnes and Noble. Regardless, the words Trusty and Steed should never be seen in such close proximity unless you're writing a parody.

Good: I don't know if it's meant, or not. But the references in Chapter One to a scorpion necklace, to twin dock towers, and to Alex waving from the forecastle immediately recall the Maiden, Ascending Twins, and Scorpion Heart of the prologue. It put an intrigued smile on this reader's face.

Please don't hate me too much.

You write as well as you draw, multi-talented person! This story is brilliantly written. The scenes are as vivid and colourful as your drawings. I love the first scene with Charles, and Kaylen is a great protagonist.
Highly starred and I will put it on my bookshelf very soon.
Becky x