Book Jacket

 

rank 5456
word count 10606
date submitted 21.12.2008
date updated 10.02.2009
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Horror
classification: adult
incomplete

Sons of God Daughters of Men

Richard Thomas

And then there was evil

 

Have you ever stared into someone’s vacant eyes while they held a loaded revolver caressing your temple? Have you ever felt like you lost everything? Have you hit the lowest of lows and now this beautiful angel of mercy is here to rescue you? If you had any guts you would have closed your eyes and thanked her for killing you. It is time to surrender to your fate. The time has come to accept that your prayers have fallen on deaf ears. You savor that last breath until the final oxygen molecule expires from your brain, while hoping you are going to heaven.
Mason Rollins had just been fired from his fourth job. On his way to his car, in the parking lot, she appears out of nowhere. He listens to the eerie sounds of a bullet being chambered and in his mind he hears her say Hello. She is calm and he can see God’s love in her eyes. As the sunlight glistens off the barrel of the gun, Mason realizes sometimes you get what you pray for.

 
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tags

action, horror, suspense, thiller, thriller

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4 comments

 

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Patty wrote 1246 days ago

Richard,

Some comments here.
I totally dig the concept (although it has probably been done before) but I think the writing and the way this is brought could be improved. I noticed in the prologue that you tend to start a lot of sentences with the same word, which gives the text a repetitive feel. There are also some errors (lay, not laid, would, not will). There were a few paragraphs which broke with the here and now of the scene and delivered nothing but information in a rather dry way. OK, it's a prologue. I was willing to forgive a prologue for being telling rather than showing, but then the first chapter is almost all telling, lecturing at the reader, and, interesting as itr is, my interest drops. This would be much better as active scenes. You don;t need all this information (or backstory) here. Instead, give us characters to care about, and a story to intrigue us.

Showgirl wrote 1246 days ago

Hello Richard, The good news is I like your story. The bad news is I found way too many silly errors to back you at this time. Too many to even mention. The prologue seemed to be fine then we got into Chapter One and I found error after error. Go back over this chapter and the next thoroughly, make the corrections and I will come back and most likely back it. :)

Some of the things I found follow.

I am not familiar with the person 'Clarence' and 'want do be' is usually said as 'wanna be or even 'wannabe.' LOL

'Do I want to die?' and 'Do I really want to die?' are first person and therefore need to me inner thoughts, Suggest italicizing or underlining.

"You want to kill someone...." You have quotation marks around these two sentence yet you say he thought this. Inconsistent.

'That would have been a good prayer to come true' Sounds a little weak. Try something like 'That would be a much better prayer to grant LOL Comma after Sometimes,.

What? mason replied. Mason should be capitalized. Again, same paragraph - use of first person thoughts need to be italicized.

No(comma) I am sorry. Contract I am into I'm. There are many places where contractions are in order.

Overuse of just. Stay away from overuse of just, that, had, really, etc. Streamline your writing. :)

Comma preceding but. A comma should precede but where it joins two stand alone sentences.

Sorry, I couldn't be more positive, but the book has fantastic potential and I can't wait to read more. Message me when you have it ready. :)

SarahAnn16 wrote 1249 days ago

Hey its really good so far.
:]

Bonnie Bleu wrote 1250 days ago

Put you on my watch list. Premise sounds good. Hope to find time to read it over the holidays. Sons of God Daughters of Men: studied similar idea for my book (looked into the Nephilim). Guess I'm attracted to your book for the same reason I wrote mine, Angels and Demons walking on earth, only yours may be a lot darker (?)Good luck, can't wait to get started.

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