Made of Stuff

I've not had the time to push this, but I want to get started again on writing more...

I just read your chapters. Not quite sure who your targeted readership is but my four year old grandson would love it (he is very advanced and has an incredible vocabulary). Good luck with your writing.

Deveril, I am shelving this, good luck with it. Bruce
PS Take a look at 'A Matter of Face'.

I enjoyed the fist chapter, will go more later. Great fun, I know it is for kids but I, being in my second childhood enjoyed it immensely. I do worry about you a little though. Bruce

Dear Deveril,

Please remember me for a return read sometime.

Regards to you,

Pierre.

Dear Deveril,

Please remember me for a return read sometime.

Regards to you,

Pierre.

Hi Deveril, Bombzidit and the floof are on my shelf for sheer anarchy and originality. And as someone who was caught by their armpits as I fell half way through a flat roof while trying to open a window I think Bombzidit is very sensible to crawl flat! Roald Dahl sprung to mind, but it's unique! And an illustrate your own book...nice - I like books which play with our preconceptions.
Tricia.

Tell me, does Orietta know you’re telling stories about her? I’m going to write her a letter and suggest she insists on double pocket money. Isn’t their a law about child exploitation? [...] Pierre.

Thanks Pierre!

The character is more my wife than my daughter, so she can sue me!

;-)

Milne is an influence, yes.

Still working on where it's going, but all this feedback is fantastic. Thanks folks!

Most of this written on buses! Yes, need to dust off my pencil. Ideas are there, just need to find the time! (That old chestnut...)

Authonomy and comments like this are reinvigorating my motivation.

Many many thanks

Deveril xxx

Dear Deveril,

Tell me, does Orietta know you’re telling stories about her? I’m going to write her a letter and suggest she insists on double pocket money. Isn’t their a law about child exploitation?

I get the same thing. My daughter says, something funny going on here. I seem to recognize some of these things. Yeah, a bomb hit her bed room too. When I complained about all the bread crumbs in her bed, she told me they were friendly crumbs. When I asked her why she had egg all over her face, she said her whole face enjoys her food. You can’t win with daughters. Ah, but you can write about them.

A lot of intelligence to write made of Stuff. Makes me think of A A Milne. Work in progress, I realize. I suspect that once you have a lot more of this, it will become clear where you are going to take it. A modern Christopher Robin? A female one? Winnie the Floof? The mind boggles.

On my bookshelf.

This made me look at The First Unborn. Didn’t read much, but placed it on my bookshelf too in recognition of your unique talent.

One hour writing a day is not enough. But long hours is a strain on the rest of the family. On my first novel, I worked sixty to seventy hours a week. Forty at a job and the rest night-time and weekends, public holidays, vacation, Christmas, New Year, Easter the lot.

What facilitated the writing was having a notebook and pen with me at work. Any free two minutes, I’d jot notes or even a few lines of copy.

The other thing is to keep ultra-fit. Skipping, jogging, push-ups, sit-ups, running up stairs rather than using the lift. The oxygen streaming through the brain turns one into a super thinker. At forty five, I could run up eleven flights of stairs in fifty nine seconds. I bought a leather skipping rope at a sports shop. Sprinted over the rope, twirling the rope five hundred revolutions in three and a half minutes. Strongly recommend exercise to write better. So much oxygen, I gave up alchohol.

Not much of a critique is it?

Go well, go slow. Keep your cool. Everything is possible. And it all comes together at re-write. Let the others fall by the wayside. So glad you came on my stupid plug. Hee, hee.

Regards.

Pierre.

What a cool premise! I really enjoyed this... it reminds me a bit of Un Lun Dun by China Mieville.

Many thanks Abu!!! I think 9 would be okay... and if the parents enjoy it, bonus! That's the point though. I think that reading should be a playful experience for all involved, and if there is any deviation from it in any way, that's great too! Cheers!
Deveril x

Lovely stuff, Dev. I know someone who will enjoy this when she gets home from school today.

She's actually 9, so I suspect a bit older than your main target victims (sorry, audience), based on the simplicity of the language and sentence structure, and the heavy use of adjectives, adverbs and alliteration (which I thought worked fine, BTW). As for Keith's comments about appropriate vocabulary, I actually think you strike the balance just right between the simple kids' language and something to keep the parent's interest alive as they're reading it to said kid.

Shelved.

Thanks Andrew! I started off with an illustrator, but he got sidetracked. I'd love to pick him up again, and if the nibble from the publisher turns into a bite, he may be back on board. Got the prelim sketches - they ROCK!!! cheers!!! devxxx

Wow, what a surreal and amazing imagination, jaunts along, surprising twists and turns, is the plan to get this illustrated, the Floof and Bomzidit [hence the gaps in the text] would really come to life with some pictures...also think you have written this to be read out loud, lovely, short staccato sentences, children will enjoy the sounds, parents will enjoy reading them...a very unique read best wishes and good luck and yes, power to the grafters - Andrew

This is a delightful book. Great imagination and I can tell you know your audience! Shelved!

I like the idea of having a book with blank spaces for illustrations - I have some ideas of how my versions of Bomzidit and the Floof would look like. Fun stories and ideas. Different from anything I've read here so far.

I came here from your forum discussion about what is, and what isn't, appropriate vocabulary for non adult readers.

This is a subject close to my heart because the use of excessively sophisticated language has been the main and consistent criticism of my own children's book, Fair-eyes, here on Authonomy.

I definitely come down on the "stretch the little b..." side of the debate. I have, however, done a substantial rewrite of my own work, designed to pull out any unnecessarily complicated words.

I think the bottom line is it's worth avoiding complicated words where a simpler one exists, unless you are deliberately using the complicated word for effect (comic or otherwise).

I also have a suspicion that nationality comes into play here. What might be considered unusual in British English could be commonplace in American and vice versa. It wasn't immediately clear to me, on reading your ms, which side of the pond you are from. In case it makes any difference, my comments are from a British standpoint.

OK, turning to "Made of stuff", the first word which jumped out at me was "torso" in para 2. This strikes me as an unnecessarily flowery synonym (almost) for "body" and (to me) therefore looks out of place. To me, this is a dubious choice of word.

A few lines later we have "cynical". This is arguably a more advanced word than "torso" but, despite this, I would classify this as a good choice. Why? Because it's the _only_ word available to describe the concept you want to get across plus it's well supported by context. If the reader doesn't understand "cynical" they will firstly get a clue (and begin to build an understanding) from the fact that "cynical" people say "how can Bomzidit make friends". Immediately you're painting a picture of what cynical means and, in the process, providing a valuable educational service.

My advice would be to go through and pause on every word which looks like it might be challenging and ask yourself:

1. Is there a simpler word I can use without detracting from meaning or style?
2. To what degree does the context help the reader determine the meaning of the word?
3. What nuances will be lost if the reader fails to work out the meaning of the word?

I fully understand that the use of "challenging" words is part of your voice, and I'm all in favour of it, but I think it's something you need to be aware of all the time so you can weigh the stylistic benefits against the consequences of any loss of understanding.

In your first section, the words which made me stop and think were: descended, deftly, devoured (are they all going to begin with D?), galavanting (no), precariously, flotsam, compulsively, convulsing, culminating (into the c words now), fermentation. That's not to say you should necessarily change all, or even any, of these. Just think whether each one is necessary to the character of the piece or whether you could substititue something simple without loss.

With regard to the actual piece itself, I can see this being great fun for, say, 6-8 age group - is that where you see it? Good luck.

I really like the style this is written in. It reminds me of a book called "The Adventures of Chilly Billy" which has a similar style. What age group are you aiming at. I have added you to my watchlist and will have another look soon,

All the best

Mike

This is lovely - original and delightful - you are not afraid to use words they might have to look up. Your heroine is fresh and appealing. As they say...what's not to like? I will back it

I'm overwhelmed by your comment! Many thanks

Deveril x

This is lovely - original and delightful - you are not afraid to use words they might have to look up. Your heroine is fresh and appealing. As they say...what's not to like? I will back it

Thanks Simon!
I like stretching children...
Devx

Now, then. I'm far too old and fuddy-duddy ever to consider reading a book aimed at CHILDREN (noisy, puky, smelly, argumentative things) and would therefore never contemplate finding a TOME like yours remotely amusing. I only sniggered several times.

No, seriously, this was a massively entertaining read. I loved the wordplay. Like gene, I did wonder about just one or two of the words, but hey, you've got to stretch the little buggers, haven't you, if we want Authonomy to go on forever. Of course, this is so far removed from my own regular field of play that I feel slightly naughty having indulged in your weird universe for so long, but I wouldn't have missed it for anything. You might just have caught a child's eye view of the world, and there were moments of sheer, mischievous joy (like the stuff in her room which she might, just might, pack for the Holladay).

I'm going to do something radical and back it, because I liked it and because your kind of sympathetic anarchy is, I believe, just what kids need.

Simon

Hi Tim!
She gets a nickname... and I'm deliberating about her having a name... but I imagine that the first tale here will be a backstory or flashback type of thing.
The idea is that this is a test of the characters and style. She will go on adventures. That's the point. Maybe I should hurry up and write one...
Cheers
Deveril x

your pitch sounded great,
not quite sure i really understood your book though.
i think if you gave yor girl a name and sent her on a series of adventures in which her new friends could assist her you'd have a great idea.
sorry that's not more positive.
if you get chance to look at mine i'd appreciate it,
good luck tim

Hi, i read the first chapter and found it entertaining, and very yeuchy! I am not really able to comment on childrens books, but imagine lots of children would find this fun, and it it would work well as a read aloud book for younger children. good luck.

OMG, I just read the introduction, at the end of the book(very clever. ) I love the bit about coloring in storybooks. I also can't draw so it was nice to get the encouragement to do so. Thanks again for so much fun in one crazy book.

Deveril, Thanks for such a fun read. Children of all ages (even the 42 year old kids) will love this very imaginative young lady. P.S. I love to go bear foot 2

Hi Deveril,
Thanks so much for backing Haggis, I really appreciate it!
I've just started reading this and so far I like it. I agree with other comments though. "the little girl" grated a little. You've got some lovely language here though.
I'll be back later!
Sharon :)

Thanks Zoe! I'm glad you enjoyed my taster of Made of Stuff. I do see it as an 'interactive' thing, in a sense. The words are there to be played with, read aloud, over and over. I've had children, teenagers, elderly readers all enjoy it. Just trying to figure out where to go from here with it. Got some tentative interest from an Irish publisher, but haven't properly chased it up. Once again, cheers!

Deveril,

I've only read the first chapter so far (my eyes are dissolving from so much time at the computer screen today) but ...

... I found this totally engaging. Funny enough for a 38 year old. Just to add to the confusion, I see this as the sort of story parents would read aloud to their little ones (all that playing with language surely must be experienced out loud!), particularly boys, who would be enamoured of the snot (but I loved how logically her little sprinter mind worked). And for the record my youngest nephew's favourite book is Walter the Farting Dog, so there must be enough adult gatekeepers who let that sort of stuff into their kids' bedrooms ... Anyway, if this is more of a parent-child cooperative effort, the variety in the language is not a problem for me. A good chance to introduce some words which kids otherwise don't encounter until much much later.

It didn't bother me that the little girl didn't have a name. I read a story recently where it drove me up a tree that the author didn't use the main character's name until chapter two, but in this case it seemed perfectly natural. And I love Bomzidit.

I would vote for Amelia. It has a timelessness to it - an old fashioned name which has come around again, which says here is a little girl, all sugar and spice, who could get up to something. I'm a bit disappointed I didn't make it on to the list - "Zoe" has worked very well for me.

I will look forward to reading the other parts later. But for now, you are enthusiastically bookshelved.

The Top 20 Girls names for 2008!
1) Ruby
2) Olivia
3) Grace
4) Emily
5) Jessica
6) Chloe
7) Sophie
8) Lily
9) Mia
10) Lucy
11) Amelia
12) Evie
13) Ella
14) Katie
15) Ellie
16) Charlotte
17) Summer
18) Megan
19) Hannah
20) Ava

Any preferences?

Thanks!
Hmm... name. I wondered for months about a name. Still wondering. But I agree...

The bed inside of it kind of stuff was me talking this out loud as I wrote - which was usually on the bus. I was just playing with speech patterns.

Oh and I try not to repeat words like that unless I'm being lazy or whatever. Er...

Cheers!!!!

Thanks Patty!
She gets a name, a nickname, that she is going to be known by through the rest of the stories. I agree that it runs the risk of being ugh as 'the little girl'.
I get bored of 'said'.
Bud dats da poin ov duh snoddy lines.
At the moment, and this isn't an excuse... this was just a taster or a tester. I've not written the real adventures, although the next part with the belly button fluff mate has a little more get up and go, I hope. But still, I'm sketching things out at the mo.
These are an intro to the characters and style, I guess.
And yes, I think 6-10 is about right. Cool.
Cheers!
Deverilx

Deveril,

Ooooohhh! This is disgusting! In a delightful way. I'm sure kids will love it. I presume you're aiming for the 6-10 age group here.
A few comments:
'the little girl' is kinda OK for a name in a picture book, but in a slightly longer work, I feel it gets a bit tiring. You might give her a name.
I'd streamline your dialogue tags. They suffer a bit of said-bookism. Just use 'said', not rejoiced, argued, etc etc. because those tags draw attention away from the dialogue itself.
Some of the 'snotty' lines of speech are a bit hard to get.
At the end of the chapter, I feel the story loses some focus. 'We find out about the the rest of her friends' isn't a great hook. I'd have expected some sort of adventure to start. Y'know - parents waking up, the dog going berserk over the snotty friends, something like that.

Thanks Paul! The idea is to start making a screenplay and possible animation from it - that was the initial concept.
As for darker... well, I'm also anticipating some darker things to happen... I'm still testing the waters as to voice, style and tone.
I'm soooo pleased with your comment! Muchas gracias amigo!

I was...ahem....sucked in by the first chapter. beautiful writing, clever, funny and wonderfully engaging. I would have loved to have read this as a kid. Utterly disgusting too! Very visual and speedy, which I liked, almost like a screenplay converted to prose. I could imagine Tim Burton making a thing of beauty from the concept. The writing is pitched wonderfully between fairytale, fable and LSD induced hallucination. Fabulous.

If I was to be a bit picky, I was expecting something darker and more Grimm's Fairytale from the creatures that eventually appeared. I will certainly go back and read the rest, and I'm happy to have this as the second book on my shelf :-)

This is interesting...I've watched listed it for later.

Cheers! Ah, tenses. Must get round to that! [In fact the snapped was previously 'retorts' and with my tired brain, I put 'snapped' - now changed to 'snaps'!]

I wrote the second story first, and toyed with the idea of putting them in opposite order. It doesn't really matter where they come.

Bizarrely I've had some teenage girls really like the 2nd part!

Space to draw doesn't really work on the computer screen!

I will endeavour to check out those other books.

Thanks again.

Deveril x

Thank you Simon R.W.! I have made some minor changes based on your comments. I have not yet had a chance to go through the text with a fine teeth comb, and for the most part, while I take any critique and comments on board, I think that there will always be words that some people don't understand or like. When I am reading to children, if I get a sense that they don't understand a word, I will repeat and rephrase the sentence using an appropriate synonym. If a child isn't sure of one word, hopefully they can get the gist from the flow of the story. If they re-read it later, they will know more words. Isn't that how we learn a language?

I have placed the Introduction to my story at the end of the book as it is so far. That way, you can dive right in... and if you want to know a little bit more about it, then you can read the Introduction. I usually skip intros anyway.

I decided to come back to this as voice in the story is strong.
However, a few observations first;
get rid of the intro - your profile, the book's short pitch and full pitch should take care of this. I think adding these at the beginning of your book will stop most people reading it.
After reading further I think your story is aimed at the 3-6 year old age bracket. And in general, for the age range, the actual word count is about right @ around 4.5K (probably less is better) - however, as you know, this site requires 10K minimum and therefore doesn't lend itself, well or at all, to works of this sort. I do understand why you've added the preamble. It might help to make that point clearer.
Now some some comments on the text;
"I’m in my room!” retorts the little girl, slightly fed up." - I think "retorts" is not the word to use for the target age. I think this sentence would be better if it read "I’m in my room!” *says* the little girl, slightly fed up." (I'm using asterisks to highlight a suggested change.)
You say;
"The little girl noticed this and made a brave decision. It went something
like this:
Carefully padding her feet in the springy pile of the carpet, she moved
to the door."
But carefully padding to the door is not a decision, it's an action - so in my opinion this part ought to be re-worded.
Further;
"Arching an eyebrow to open her eye more, the little girl peeked through
the gap of the open door to make sure that nobody was there."
Arching!? I think this observation is too adult, possibly use "raising"
The story is strong, but, for the target age, I believe you need to comb your text for words that wouldn't be understood and replace them.
Keep up the good work.

Thank you for your comment. I have taken your advice. I am unsure as to the readership for this work, and I have had a range of opinions over the last couple of years. Some young adults have actually really loved it, although my intention was that it was for 'first readers' and their parents - I don't believe in patronising children with too easy a read, as I was reading so-called more advanced books from a very early age. Many thanks.

From my point of view, just reading the first few paragraphs, I wouldn't class this as "young adult" at all - "children's", yes, absolutely. Personally I would remove that genre. A part from that, the narrator's voice is solid and if I was looking to read this through there's nothing in the first few paragraphs that would put me off.