Book One of The One Prophecy Trilogy - The High King Mage

R C, your prologue was intriguing enough to sweep me into Chapter One. Good job on this.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Dear Author
Your book inspires and threads a fine path. It is stimulating and provocative in content. Your style of writing is unique and offers up a treat. It was indeed a pleasure to read it.
Backed
The Lord of the Dawn. Beyond 2012.

RC: I am lost in that short pitch - who is the main character? And still, who is the main character in the long pitch? Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is an imaginative story. You've obviously put a lot of thought into creating this fantasy world because it's an interesting one. You've also created a good character in Magnus. He's courageous and likable. The kind of character you can build a trilogy around. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Backed February 1.

Jesse - Savant

I see you are returning the favor by commenting on my pitch, very witty of you. You are going to find, if your tome ever reaches the top one hundred, that there is no time to read twenty chapters a day to get a return on four or five. There is also an enormous amount of shit on here that one would never back if one actually read it, thereby surrendering potential votes. I am honest about my survival strategy and will give specific comments to those that return them, if asked. I did take the trouble to read some of yours. Be thankful that I have spared you mine. It's one for Anthony Saunders thread.

Hi,

I have backed your book because I found it eminently readable
but have to cover 25 books a day just to keep my place on here.
If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Hi RC...Great Pitch and an interesting premise. Not my usual comfort zone, however i will take a look at all books that grab my attention...and in this case I am here as part of my promise to read and comment on any work by a writer that backed Nick Poole's Mirror In The Sky from Feb 3rd.

I think you have the talent and the imagination to take you a long way...however the read itself is not as smoothe as it could be. However with a good edit {and we all need to work on that} I feel you could do well.

Good luck with this
Suzannah Burke

Hi, RC. I like your pitch. I'm not going to comment on the book itself because I've read the comments by others and I see you haven't edited the the first mistake (second sentence). From that, I'm guessing my comments will be the same as theirs. Maybe I'll come back in a few weeks to see if you've done any editing. Best of luck with it.

I found this an awkward read.
There were problems right off the bat that I think could be fixed easily with an edit.
For example:
His name no one knows but call him sir or master. (This is missing something, perhaps 'they')
His name no one knows so they call him sir or master. Or His name no one knows which is why he is called sir or master.
Dressed in all black ---would it not be better said to say--Dressed all in black
All knew that he has some authority and respected him----huh?--- SHould it not be simpler and stronger like: his authority made people respect him?

This needs a fair amount of work, in my opinion. THe idea is there but I struggled through the first chapter.
I encourage you to continue writing. Let me know when you edit andI will be happy to look again.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hi Robert, I think this has improved quite a lot since the first time I read it. If It's a new version and my vote will help, let me know. If you just made it private - my backing won't count. Good luck with this. Sue x

The High King Mage is a conventional story of coming of age into magic powers and responsibilities, though it is differentiated in this competitive genre by some imaginative twists as outlined in the pitch and so has potential to do well. Judging by the chapters uploaded so far this is still at an early draft, and I echo the advice of previous commentators to let your imagination flow until you finish a complete first draft and then give it a thorough editing for grammar, syntax, realistic dialogue and so on. I'll back you as an encouragement to do this! Good luck.

Interesting story RC. Yes, okay, there are polishing issues, but who doesn't have them? This certainly shows a good deal of promise and I am willing to give it a whirl on the shelf! Good luck buddy!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

RC
Hey you've got a great story working here but it is buried in a lot of edit issues. I would suggest you keep writing until you get the story done then go back and get some help with editing. The creative part is the hardest and you have the makings of a fine novel. Here are a few examples I hope you find helpful:
The pupil takes his seat and the Historian started his lesson starts his lesson.
A lush woman comes in and walked to . . . walks to
Twenty years ago when Tallus meet him. . . met him
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Robert, remind me when I come back off holiday and I will give you some feedback
Best wishes
Sue

I'm still a bit iffy about this prologue. Is it really necessary? I'm not certain it is. If I were you I'd ask myself "What is necessary in this prologue?" After I did that I'd ask: Is there any way I can build the necessary information into other scenes and get rid of the prologue all together.

Another possibility, which might work is to have the historian start the story, "From the earliest beginnings, there was emptiness..."

And then have the pupil ask his question, "Why start at the beginning?"

This makes the scene must more tense and you might be able to condense the essential information into the resulting argument with the historian.

ANother think you need to watch out for is over using adverbs. Adverbs almost always "tell" the reader something. It's almost always a good idea to show the reader a character's anger, rather than just say "angrily." "Angrily," has not concrete meaning to a reader.

I'm looking forward to seeing what you do with this in your rewrite. Good luck with it. ;)

Best Wishes,
Joseph

The Ducelord Saga...

I'm so sorry to be a dissenting voice here, but I found the tense changes and extra words in c.2 to be so distracting that I couldn't follow your story properly.

Please let me know when you've done some more editing, and I'll come back to read more.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest feedback)

A Ducelord Saga...

I read your Prologue and it drew me into your story (will read on, of course).

I hope I'm not assuming incorrectly (because assume makes and ass out of U and me), but both your pitch and your Prologue feel as though they were written by someone whose first language is something other than English. Is that so? If it is so, then I recommend that you get a native speaker to review it with you.

I noticed some tense changes which might have nothing to do with your first language...just more editing, unfortunately. I think editing is a never-ending process.

As I say above, despite my nits, I'm reading on...

A DuceLord Saga

HI RC, A great sweeping imagination, a wonderful creation story. You have the scenery in place, the backdrop is fantastic, but you need to work on the MC and the writing. In the prologue you mention late and tardiness in the same sentence, as they mean the same thing the sentence reads oddly. The first few paragraphs read oddly, I wonder if you need to shorten your sentences. You pitch us straight into Magnus's situation but you disorientated me with the strange turn of phrase. He is travelling with his honour guard and he wants to disappear. That first line and first few paragraphs are so crucial, perhaps. When Magnus disappeared the panic started... I don't really know what you are planning next, but I just wanted to story to exploded off the page, short, punchy sentences, taking us places, continue to watchlist, happy to read any updates, best wishes and keep writing, your imagination is beautifully rich - Andrew W.

As you are wondering from this I have rewritten the first chapter that is the prologue of this epic. As you'll noticed that I changed the title name to the High King Mage for a reason as you'll see later on when I can put more on this site. Of the Last few months this has been my only day that has been quiet enough to bring this to you. Hopefully this is to your liking. Please continue to read and comment on the Prologue and the rest.

Hello RC,

This is not my familiar genre, but you did a good job sucking me in and holding my interest all the way. I read to chapter four and found the story very refreshing. You came up with varied and yet hilarious characters, and your descriptions were splendid. There is a smoothness and uniqueness in the narrative.

Overall, this is an enjoyable read and one that given an extra polish will make it to the top of its genre.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

You have quite an imagination, which is a definite plus for this kind of book. I like your tale of Creation and what comes after -- the fallout. And the characterization, while slow in the prologue, seems to build, especially with the lsat line, "ah, at last my great grandson needs me."

Makes me want to move on to the next chapters, and that is what one ultimately wants in a book. Backed.

Why hello, Magnus ( makes me think of Magneto. Awesome!)

Hmm, I don't know how I feel about prophesy-like beginnings. But I just noticed that you noted that it's under construction and left as-is, so I won't say anything more. The pitch makes it sound like an epic, though, which is always good.

Hi,

Great opening, it reminded me of the bible stories of the twelve tribes of Israel.

Chap 1.

… he could do but he had too (to) loose (lose) them.

This is an enjoyable tale. It’s very creative. I always look for something that grabs my attention and keeps me reading and this definitely does that. It does need a little tightening, particularly the sentence structure and grammar, but it’s fascinating, and I felt the story really came alive. The way I look at it, grammar can easily be fixed with editing, but a good story is hard to come by.

Well done.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Dear RC,

I have read this first chapter and have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand I think you have a terrific imagination and a new take on some old world subjects. I quite like this fantasy fiction that in fact has a biblical sense about it. However, I feel that at times your stellar biblical reference wanders so completely to the latter day science fiction that you lose me. My mind is firmly fixed in one area and then it wanders.

That being said, I think with the current editing you are undertaking, you can clear all this up and provide one uniform work which will be irresistible.

I'm shelving for sheer admiration of this great undertaking..

johanna
Scream Out Loud

Oh and I had a look at your blog...looks like you just returned from vacation...lucky you!

RC,

Here's my thoughts on your prologue and first chapter:

Prologue:

As I read the "biblical" prologue I noticed a mixture of archaic (evermore, thus, etc.) and more contemporary words/phrases (rest days, calmed down the situation, etc.). I'd recommend choosing one or the other. If this will be a traditional epic fantasy, then gow with the more archaic words, but if this is meant to be tongue in cheek, then gow with contemporary. The mixture of the two just doesn't work for me. In addition, you mix tenses to switching between past and present. This is a big no-no.

You create an interesting history of the world, but I wonder how much your book benefits from the prologue. Is it necessary? Could you get by without it? If you need some of the information, but not all of it is there another way to weave the information into the book, then just telling us it? Could a shorter excerpt at the beginning of the chapter fill your needs? Also some books have "excerpts" at the beginning of each chapter from fictional works, which usually reveal infromation pertinent to what happens in that chapter. Could you do something like that instead? I only toss these ideas out there to get you thinking of different wasy you might present this information, so that rather than having your reader start out in th past, you can have them jump into the book right away.

The scholar... I'd like a name for him, but as long as the scholar plays no other part in the story I'm fine with a nameless scholar.

In many ways many ways Darius echoes the sentiments of the reader, "Why start at the beginning..." I'd listen to your character and try to find some other way to introduce this information naturally through the course of the story.

I also didn't really feel pulled onto the next chapter. Your prologue needs to end with a hook, just like your chapters should. You want the reader to "need" to turn the page to find out what happens next. Easier said then done, but well with the extra attention at the end of each chapter.

One other thing I'd suggest, if you have not done it already is read your story out loud. Any places you trip over while speaking your book are probably trouble spots for the reader as well.

First Chapter:

This is a much more interesting opening, than your prologue, though be careful of hads, they are very rarely necessary except to indicate possession and to act as transition verbs into and out of a flashback. If you can read a sentence without had in it and it makes sense, then it's usually a good idea to cut it.

Stealth mode... just sounds too computer gamish. And the sentence it appears in is awkwardly worded.

Again watch out for switching between past and present tense. And cut down on the telling, show us his escape, don't summarize it. You want Magnus to leap off the page for a reader. Whenever possible ask yourself how you can show a character's emotions or interior thoughts in such a way to allow the reader to read into your words to make assumptions about the characters. Whenever you tell a reader somthing it slams the door on their mental inquiry. Sometimes this is necessary, especially in between scenes as a transition piece, but inside scenes it slows the pace of the story and can strip away a character's subtlies.

Again this chapter ends without a real hook. You need to raise story questions or hint at conflict at the end of your chapters. This leads the reader on in spite of themselves.

Overall, I think you've got an interesting premise, but you need to work on your writing craft. Thankfully, craft can be learned with practice and careful revision. One book that might be of great help to you would be Noah Lukeman's "The First Five Page." It is an excellent resource about how agents/editors read books and what the most common mistakes are in writing. You only get the first page (or five, if your lucky) to impress an agent/editor and every error they catch is magnified a hundred times or more over in their minds. If they catch one tense problem on page one, they assume there are tense problems throughout the book (even if it's clean). They have to estimate how much polish is needed for a book within those first few pages. Don't give them any reason to put your book down. I hope these comments help you improve your book, if they do, then I'll have done my duty as a reviewer.

Best Wishes,
Joseph

I just read the first chapter, and I'm trying to make up my mind about it. I like fantasy, but I tend to read more urban things than old world, but it was definitely nice to dip into this. I was a little put-off by the italicized portion because I thought for a while that that tone would be continued throughout the book, but I glad to see that it was a story being told to Darius, because that seemed much more natural. You might consider making it clearer that it's a story at the very beginning.

This is really interesting story that reminded me of a lot of things. Best of luck with it!

Hi RC. I've finally had a quick look at this, then noticed that you are rewriting. While you are doing so, may I sadd my opinion to the frey. I suggest that you go through it with a fine tooth comb looking for grammatical errors and tense changes. Old whingers like me are put off by them. I only mention this because under it all I think you have a good story and potential. I agree with some of the other reviewers that your prologue is a littel too long and involved but I know that fantasy readers are not generally put off by this. Make it very clear that the prologue is not written in the same tone as the rest of the book. Maybe you could make it clear that it is being read to Darius at that point.

These are my humble offerings. Please feel free to ignore them.
Lots of luck with this.
Riva

Since your open gospel reading is rather long, it might be easier if it was structured in single lines, maybe even numbered lines, like that other book.

Individual, short sentences would make it easier for Darius to memorize, not to mention the rest of us to absorb.

It would also give suitable importance to each of the isolated events.

Jeffrey Miller
DOOR : Riversea

Dear RC,
I like the prophetic, mysterious tone in the opening. We can tell that an epic story is forthcoming. I'd leave it at the very paragraph, however, and then fuse the historical facts into the story itself.

Even Gods and Kings are, in storyland, just people with their own agendas like everyone else. Try to humanize them, allow them their very real frustrations, problems, wants, desires like we all do.

Chapter 1 is much better!
Tenses are mixed: She walks, then The King stood up.
Try to pack as much clean action into one sentence, rather than two or more. E.g., "They all laughed. With the merriment of the joke, they packed up …" you'd get a lot more mileage out of "Laughing, they packed up and …"

It's a promising start to a fascinating world. Once you've rewritten, please allow me to take another look. All best, Kimberly

RC,
I would echo some of the other sentiments that have been made here. This is a BIG story and the beginning evokes elements of the Silmarillian. Very Toklienesque. But I like what Dunno said, don't try too much to imitate Tolkien, you've got a great foundation for a fantasy story here. Impressive. On my shelf.
Jeff

I really enjoyed this. I am a great fan of fantasy and I think this sas a Simillarion feel to it. Crafting a tale with such an epic scope can be daunting but I think you have an excellent start here in chapter 1. Great job! Worth a shelving!

Hiya!

Firstly, the cover.
I'd hate to see people put off by this. Please consider a rethink.
There's a great artist here doing covers for free:
http://www.authonomy.com/forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=22419

Two things spring to mind when I started reading this – Genesis of the Bible and the Silmarillion, by Tolkien.
You emulate authors with fantastic imaginations. Not a bad pedigree at all!

So, hoping to also hear YOUR ideas, I read on…
…And I’m not disappointed. With the introduction of Darius, things pick up for me. And then chapters 1-2 (after the prologue) begin to really focus in on the story, as you give characters for us to latch on to.
You know, you’ve got a really vivid imagination and a great piece of work here with loads of potential. I can see this doing well and so I’ll be coming back to read more for sure.
I don’t think I can add to the comments you already have here, so I’ll just say listen to these guys because you have some great advice here.
So, please do let me know when you redraft, and I’ll pop by for another read…

In the meantime, I’ve read enough to give you a spin on the old shelf, with my best wishes.
Good Luck!
David (Green Ore)
And if you’d give mine a look when you get time, I’d appreciate it lots. ;)

This has an epic feel to it. There's a very good story here.

First bit of advice would be to change the font from courier new to something like Arial. It's easier on the reader's eye and will help people get into the story better without the eye being distracted.

Secondly, tighten the text losing any words which can be done away with. Shorter sentences with less superfluous words flow better and keep up the pace of the story.

Otherwise, a good story with lots of potential and an epic feel. Backed.

-Jenny-

I'm intruiged by this. It's a great prologue with lots of potential. There are some real quirky uses of language to invoke the other-worldly feeling. Some of these work and some of these feel a little clunky. "He could not do more" should maybe be "he could do no more", but then I sense you are trying to make the reader get a feel for this new language. Your commas are all over the place, I see this has been noted in other comments. Do a spelling and grammar check on the computer and see what it says. It'll sort out some of the errors. I do feel that if the opening paragraphs are being read to one of your main characters, Darius, then it is a little overlong. Darius needs to be introduced earlier. He could interrupt the reading, and then it could continue. Just a few thoughts, but I like the atmosphere you are creating here and the fantasy feel is well executed. I wish you well with it.

Interesting, mysterious beginning. Why the Courier font, though? Also, check some of your spelling and grammar. Make sure you add a , and not a . in your dialogue lines what is to be done, the jealous relayed. It should be a comma between done and the jealous one, not a period. I'm putting you on my WL for a possible placement on my bookshelf

This has the feel of a true mythic legend. Gods and their creations at war--a story that will find a large following of all ages.

I have just two minor 'ticks' I would like to point out. The first one is about commas. Too many commas make the flow of the story stutter. There are places were the removal of commas would help immensely. Secondly, the type-set used. I don't know, but it just doesn't feel right to me. Other than that . . .

RC

I like the prologue, it did set up the story.

I think you've got the basis for a great story here. You do need (just like me) a pretty good cleanup of the text. For example in chapter two you change tense on the word "remembers" In chapter 5, you change tense again with asks. But as you are rewriting from the comments below, I think you'll get this.

I think you've got something really good here. Keep working at it. Shelved.

Armen (Urtaru)

Hi RC,
I've just finished reading the first chapter. I will read the next one and comment, then next and comment, and so on. First off I want to say that the overall story is very good, but it does need a bit of work. Just from chapter one I saw that you switch from present to past tense often. Are you meaning to do that? I ask because each individual writer has a unique style. Mark Twain asked questions in the middle of sentences. Then you have a few spots where your descriptions get a little muddled like the part where you're describing the prophecy. Believe me, I understand how hard it can be to explain something being handed down from generations ago. If you need further explination on where the tenses are switched or the descriptions please feel free to send me a message. Let me repeat here that I think the story is very good!

Interesting story and premise.

The first chapter (is it the prologue?) has a bible-like tone to the prose.

In chapter 2 there is more interaction and some good character development.

I'd really like to know what they look like so I can visualize the story.

Putting you on my shelf,

Rian

Very creative and vivid but the grammar (and I am not the best myself) needs correcting to make the narrative flow which at the moment it does not. Try and get Joseph Miller to take a look.
Paul S

RC
I read your note so have line edited chapter 1/Prologue. Hope that's OK. I normally don't focus so closely on this level of detail!

The first line is good although "...a being.." then "two" jars. Also wonder whether "emptiness" would be better than "nothingness", but it's probably personal.

Second sentence: should this be a full stop after "came next" and remove the comma after "The Universe" - or maybe I don't understand.

2nd para "fell from the heavens" I think since we're past tense and heavens refers to the sky as opposed to Heaven.

Is "Twin" capitalised or not? You do both.

"The first race [was] the dragons..." same for the 2nd. This doesn't mean they no longer exist. You need to stick in past tense rather thna mixing it up.

"...brought into lee..." - I don't know what this means. Then, "those that..." should be "those who..." and comma after the second "thoughts".

"Ridicule" should be "ridiculed". This para seems weak. Name calling sounds like school kids. Perhaps: "It started with taunting each other for their appearance, deformities and customs. The magic power set group against group, race against race. When the fighting began the people used every weapon they could find, stones and clubs. They aimed to kill and many were wounded.

"Helpers" should be "Helper's" - and should "forced" be "fought"?


"The Maker exit(ed)..." - then I think you need "said" before "Stop!"

" '...to be done (,)' (t)he Jealous One..."

At the end I think you need a final reference to the Jealous One so the reader is clear who says this.

At the start of the next section, I note you've now used "peoples" without a capital. This needs to be consistent.

In the sentence starting "Time passes..." "Old" shouldn't be capitalised.

Next section "...Ducelord read this" - past tense.


OK that's it. You are probably horrified at the list, but nearly everyone find they can't edit their own work - I certainly can't!

The premise is good and once the prologue is cleaned up I think teh reader gets a good sense of setting. My only concern is that there's no "action" in this start. Editors tend to like to pull the reader in by involving them rather than narrating to them.

This has also reminded me to comment on "that". You use it a lot and I've been told to try and avoid it if possible. It makes sentences more clunky.

Let me know when you've made changes and I'll check through them again.
On my shelf for a while.

Chris and Tolkien (I Dare You)

I have updated the first chapter which is the prologue. Please feel free to comment on anything of this first chapter or anything on what I have here. I need all the help I can get. Many thanks in advance.

RC,
You have a great premise going here (very similar to my own actually), but it's very difficult to decipher. The commas, way too many of them, are completely distracting and off-putting. There are sentence fragments that had me totally baffled as to what they meant. I think with judicious editing this could be a great story. I'll keep it on my WL and check back after a while.
R Russell

Good premise and ideas, but still needs a bit of work. I like how this cultures reflects that of our religious cultures. The book called the Tome of Life, the creation story, etc. etc. I noticed in some parts of the story you wrote in present tense and then would switch to past. Also, there's some minor grammar errors. Words that need to be capitalized at the beginning of a sentence.

Hi there,
This is a good read and it is on my revolving shelf.
I actually thought I had read and commented on it before but but I think I must just have read it. Anyhow, here are my comments ;-)
I feel there is some humour running through this, well, for me there is - I think it may be the way you use words, it's almost dry.
I think you have a great premise here, there is plenty going on that promises a good adventure.
I see that you are rewriting at the moment and will address any editing issues so I won't comment on them.
I like your characters, they are colourful and intriguing and help to move the story forward. As I was reading, I felt that this was a story on quite a grand scale, that the reader is sucked into your world and that you have created a convincing atmosphere.
Good luck with this.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi RC,
Dove into your pages over the weekend. I like the concept you are going for with this, but I think the language and set up is getting in the way of what promises to be an excellent fantasy novel. I'll just list out the things I noticed as I read:

In your beginning, watch out for the overuse of "be" and "came to be."
This is critical for improvement: read your writing aloud slowly. Listen for awkward phrasing and pay attention to your commas most of all. If, as you read, you don't take a breath pause where a comma is, then most likely you don't need the comma there. Check out a grammar book (my personal favorite is "Eats, Shoots and Leaves" by Truss) and study the comma section especially. Without the basics of punctuation we, as your readers, will be lost in your story.
"It was a time of darkness when the tribes..." Is this a fragment? Confusing.
Your prologue is essentially several pages of "telling." Telling is okay when done well and not to excess, but to lead off your book with it won't hook us into your story. We've not been introduced to anyone that is mentioned in the prologue, so I'd strongly recommend omitting it so we can dive into the story on page 1 of chapter 1, which is where you hooked me at last.
The easiest fix and the most distracting element of this story is the shifting tenses, sometimes within the same sentence. Here's an example: "The last scholar of Ducelord reads this to a young child as they sat in comfort." Recommend always staying 3rd person past tense. Read up on how to do all the tenses in a writing craft book or on the Internet to learn more before you edit this. Also read/study other famous and recent fantasy novels looking only at tenses so that you can see how others handle it.
"Darius questions, "Yes I know that." Beware of this sentence. This is called "As You Know Bob" syndrome. I've got to get back to work and have no time to explain but I'll link you to an article my good friend Charity Hogge just wrote on this topic. http://charitywrites.mightypenediting.com/?p=197

Okay, I've got to go but hopefully this will give you a good start. Best of luck to you!
~Cheri

Hi Robert - finally I get around to that return read. I think you potentially have a great premise here. I note from others' comments that you are probably doing some editing work now, and to be honest, I think it would really benefit from it. As Dunno says, I think you may be trying a bit too hard. I think you can probably write far better when you don't let your head get in the way, if that makes sense. Take out your red pen and be ruthless with it. You have some lovely ideas in your prologue, but you need to be consistent with your capitalisation of names etc. You have some mixing of tenses (past and present in the same para), which will turn off a lot of agents/publishers. There are quite a few typos and sentences that seem to be left hanging with no place to go. Genuinely, I think this could be a good read. Clearly you have a fantastic imagination, and are burning to get it down on paper. But take your time. Once you've brain-dumped your thoughts, re-visit them a week later with thta red pen, and scythe through all the small errors. Read it through as a *reader*, and be harsh on yourself. If a sentence doesn't work, re-cast it. In its current state, I don't think I could honestly shelve this, Robert (sorry). But once you've done with the editing, please do ask me back, and I shall be delighted to give it anothe squizz. Best of luck with it - sest

I see you're in the middle of an edit at this very moment. Well, I'd love to read the changes, but here are my thoughts on your first few chapters of what you have here:
I don't think you need the prologue. The first chapter feels more immediate and I think you can find later places to slip in the needed information that you now have in the prologue. I really do think you have the makings of a great story here. I could use some editing in spots, which you're doing, to make it less wordy and flow a little better. Personally, I found the formality of the language a little hard to get into, but I know some people probably like it. Anyway, I'll keep this in my watch list and check in on edits with interest.

Hi,
I always like a bit of dungeons and dragons sorcery and this delivers. Shelved.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to open both the prologue and chapter 1 with dialogue. I think the immediacy of speech will suck your readers in, rather than long sections of prose. But that's a style issue as much as anything.

Good luck with this
Cheers

John