The Void

Hi Chris.

Great first sentence establishes thrust of story. Some of your simpliest lines deliver volumes of characterization, such as when Trey must compose himself before walking confidently across the lobby and his knowing he makes women blush. When you get to the paragraph where Trey has a crucifix around his neck, my ears literally perked up. Something big and dangerous is about to happen, only to have to reveal another layer of characterization by having it hide his cocaine stash. You skillfully raise the tension, one setting at a time, as Trey proceeds into the office and is hit by a body guard. His mantra, which your repeating it throughout, has a much larger impact. All the sudden, the readerr realizes his life is at risk. When Trey senses a trap with the question as to how he was able to get into the office, the reader realizes he might be the good guy. The reader is now concerned for his safety. By the end of chapter 2, the reader is concerened that Trey will be killed for having knowledge. Certainly you have left numerous questions open-ended. Very suspenseful science fiction.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

Chris

This is seriously well written. Very tech and modern, with underhanded dealings....awesome! I like Trey! Putting this on my revolving bookshelf right now, and best of luck!

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

finished all 21 chapters can't wait to find out what happens when he wakes up, i will not go into editorial I only go into the story, I am a nurse not an editor, I am a reader of books and if this was on a shelf I would be inclined to buy it.

Julie

SF42

Hi Chris

I've only read the first chapter as my notes would be pretty much the same on the rest:

I couldn't help reading that first line in a Futurama narrator style. Perhaps it fits with the style, I don't know yet, but it seems very out of place. It shouldn't be necessary to tell us if you can show us that it's clearly not quite our time.

Alot of people don't like 'had', for whatever reason. It's fine in its place, but because I've been keeping an eye on them, they stick out more than usual, and it can be a bit awkward. You can red if a lot of them to make it a bit smoother (emphasis on 'a bit' - like anything, don't get rid of it just for the sake of it). For example, 'If Jack Harris knew then what we know now', 'It wasn't the first time he broke the law'.

'...the reward(,) and in both cases...'

'...brim of his hat down (as) he dashed...'? Otherwise you need a full stop or semicolon at least at 'torrential downpour(. or ;)'

'He kept his head down(,) hugging the shop fronts'

'screeched to a halt(,) bumping his thighs'

'His hands shooting out' doesn't make sense on its own.

I think 'lamented' is far too strong a word. You lament someone's death, yes, but you wouldn't usually lament a near miss on the street.

'...to the front desk(,) ignoring the squelch...'

I'll stop noting commas, as that seems to be the main area that needs work, and it would make this comment too long.

'pounding heart(')s intensity'

'that time(,) Mr Gibson'

An homage to William Gibson?

'...apprehension(,) (t)hough from behind the mirrored glasses...'

Is he American? 'Freshen up' is a very American term. In fact I've never in my life heard any non-American say it. Except in films. And then they were in America.

Nauseous

'It'd not safe'?

Fate

'splashing it on his face to.'?

'He sat bent forward'? Doesn't read well at all.

How come the 'hulk' is suddenly back in the room?

'appeared to disappear' isn't good. Also, how could he see that it did?

'the main body('s) invisible hinges.'

'Zippos'?

Briefcase

Thumbnail

Your lead into Jack's dialogue shouldn't be in the same paragraph as Collins'. It should, however, be on the same paragraph as the actual dialogue. It get's hard enough to keep up with who is speaking as it is without needlessly splitting up paragraphs, or not splitting them when they should be.

Punishable by death or 10 years? Seems a bit of a jump in punishment.

That's it. A drug user MC doesn't interest me in the slightest, so I'd probably not buy this, but otherwise, it is interesting. I like the Kavinski and the smuggling port (though the latter could benefit from a little elaboration). Mostly, it's just commas that need work. Otherwise, there are a few spellings and misused words. The second part of the chapter - from going into Collins' bathroom, to the end - is noticeably different from the first. It's as though you've edited the first part, but not the second. Although there are a lot of 'big' words in the first part, the necessity of which I'm unsure of. Don't let them get in the way of readability.

Just one last, small thing - I notice you've replied to a few comment here on the page. No one is going to come back here to see your response. Click 'send message' so they get it, rather than reply.

Anyway, I think with a good edit, this will read very well. Good luck with it :)

good use of dialogue stiucks out here. you use it well and it works to keep the flow of story...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Thanks for backing! Will look into Seaons

Dear Chris,
I'm backing your book because I like your writing style. It's a little OTT, and needs some judicial editing, but it sets a great tone, which flows through everything. I also like the MC, and the technology is all sorts of fun.

About the writing. Some of your stylistic twists don't quite come off, like …"as only an English November's could," Not stylish, just convoluted. Also, for example, the phrases ending in "…though from behind the mirrored glasses" do not make a sentence, and don't really complete the thought. (Both from Ch1)

Other than that, a great, gritty atmosphere and what sounds like a fun read.

Gordon Long

"Out of Mischief"

Hi Gordon,
Thanks for taking the time to read my work and passing on your comments they are very helpful. Also a big thanks for backing the book. Good luck

Chris

good use of dialogue stiucks out here. you use it well and it works to keep the flow of story...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Dear Chris,
I'm backing your book because I like your writing style. It's a little OTT, and needs some judicial editing, but it sets a great tone, which flows through everything. I also like the MC, and the technology is all sorts of fun.

About the writing. Some of your stylistic twists don't quite come off, like …"as only an English November's could," Not stylish, just convoluted. Also, for example, the phrases ending in "…though from behind the mirrored glasses" do not make a sentence, and don't really complete the thought. (Both from Ch1)

Other than that, a great, gritty atmosphere and what sounds like a fun read.

Gordon Long

"Out of Mischief"

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Intriguing and exciting. Beautifully paced to keep anyone reading and a nice shady character to follow. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Chris

This is seriously well written. Very tech and modern, with underhanded dealings....awesome! I like Trey! Putting this on my revolving bookshelf right now, and best of luck!

Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Hi Chris,
I am enjoying reading this. You write well and for me the story moves along at a good pace. This has a feeling of grittiness about it, you give us enough information to help build a picture but not too much, so I felt like I was learning without being bogged down. Trey is an interesting character, at the moment I feel that there is more to him than meets the eye and I like that. I will read on, but in the meanwhile, I think this has bags of potential and that you are on to a winner so it's up on my shelf.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi Chris.

Great first sentence establishes thrust of story. Some of your simpliest lines deliver volumes of characterization, such as when Trey must compose himself before walking confidently across the lobby and his knowing he makes women blush. When you get to the paragraph where Trey has a crucifix around his neck, my ears literally perked up. Something big and dangerous is about to happen, only to have to reveal another layer of characterization by having it hide his cocaine stash. You skillfully raise the tension, one setting at a time, as Trey proceeds into the office and is hit by a body guard. His mantra, which your repeating it throughout, has a much larger impact. All the sudden, the readerr realizes his life is at risk. When Trey senses a trap with the question as to how he was able to get into the office, the reader realizes he might be the good guy. The reader is now concerned for his safety. By the end of chapter 2, the reader is concerened that Trey will be killed for having knowledge. Certainly you have left numerous questions open-ended. Very suspenseful science fiction.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

finished all 21 chapters can't wait to find out what happens when he wakes up, i will not go into editorial I only go into the story, I am a nurse not an editor, I am a reader of books and if this was on a shelf I would be inclined to buy it.

Julie

just read a couple of chapters and yes the excessive name of trey did get to me a bit, but it will not put me off reading the rest of the book when I can, just now I need to get something to eat, be back soon.

Julie

Hey Chris,

I've made it as far as chapter 8 so far and I think someone else hit the nail on the head perfectly when they said 'a diamond in the rough.'

I like the story, and the characters are great, but I think the writing can be tweaked slightly. As an example you appear to be doing something that I too have been known for, excessive use of your main characters first name. For most of the initial chapters Trey is the only character, and yet every third sentence starts 'Trey did so and so...' which after a while I felt was slightly breaking the flow. I think replacing a number of those 'Trey's with 'he's or similar might help keep the story moving.

Despite these few niggles the story kept me reading which is the main thing, so I think with a little more time this could be a really great read. I'd much rather read an interesting story with a few problems than a boring story that's written perfectly any day!

Hope that helps.

Verbal

I quite like this Chris, but I think it has the potential to be so much better. I think your writing suffers from exactly the same flaw mine does - it's a bit 'tell not show' and not quite immediate enough to carry the story. This 'show not tell' thing is something you'll read about a lot on here and I'm still struggling to come to grips with it all myself. I'm no expert and can only give you my impressions as a reader - but something isn't working well enough for me - and my guess is it's this sometimes detached narration. My own stuff is plagued with it and I think it detracts from the impact and pace.

But I like the premise, not hugely original as far as I can tell from the synopsis, but could be compelling nevertheless. I think your synopsis needs a bit of work - it should be "society's" I think, although that looks wrong to me too - lol! - and there is a repetition of "if only he knew it" and these things might put off any prospective agent or editor who will judge whether to read on the strength of your pitch.

Just my amateur comments and impressions - hope they help in some small way. If you do a rewrite of the opening chapters please let me know because it's certainly something I would have another look at.

Simon

Hi Chris,,
sorry it took me so long to read your book ;)
I am still in the begining but I really enjoyed it,
The way you set your main character Trey was really good,
there is in chapter tow slight mistake, Mr. Collins called Trey once or twice Mr. Welkenson or something similer instead of Mr. Williams, I tried to find it location but I couldn't so maybe you fixed it (I read from pages that I saved before so I may read an old version or so), Sorry I feel like I confused you,
I really loved it and for something that is still in its begining, its really great,

You got the dimond in the rough comment, I wanted that, lucky you ;)
LoL, On my shelf
Kimmy

Hi Chris,,
sorry it took me so long to read your book ;)
I am still in the begining but I really enjoyed it,
The way you set your main character Trey was really good,
there is in chapter tow slight mistake, Mr. Collins called Trey once or twice Mr. Welkenson or something similer instead of Mr. Williams, I tried to find it location but I couldn't so maybe you fixed it (I read from pages that I saved before so I may read an old version or so), Sorry I feel like I confused you,
I really loved it and for something that is still in its begining, its really great,

You got the dimond in the rough comment, I wanted that, lucky you ;)
LoL, On my shelf
Kimmy

Hi Chris,,
sorry it took me so long to read your book ;)
I am still in the begining but I really enjoyed it,
The way you set your main character Trey was really good,
there is in chapter tow slight mistake, Mr. Collins called Trey once or twice Mr. Welkenson or something similer instead of Mr. Williams, I tried to find it location but I couldn't so maybe you fixed it (I read from pages that I saved before so I may read an old version or so), Sorry I feel like I confused you,
I really loved it and for something that is still in its begining, its really great,

You got the dimond in the rough comment, I wanted that, lucky you ;)
LoL, On my shelf
Kimmy

I just finished reading the chapters you have posted. I won't go into the many editing problems because you're obviously working on them. I like the grittiness of the story. And that you show enough technical detail without overwhelming and thereby boring the general reader. The story seems to be developing nicely although it's always hard to tell without reading all of it. I am shelving this.
Nancy

Hi Jeeves,

Just finished reading chapter eight. Your characterisation and setting is great. However, I'm afraid that for me your technology has let you down. This is partly because you have government oversight involved.

In the Gibson books the network was controlled by the corporates and the network was all pervasive because the companies could not exist without them. Here however, the government has full control and should be able to shut things down with their legal powers. I expect you need to have the theft more secret and have it stumbled over by accident.

Anyway, good luck with your rewrites and keep writing.

Phillberrie.

Phillip,

As ever you are proving to be an absolute diamond! Thank you for your input, I dont know where you find the time but I am very glad that you do. I will get around to reading your manuscript as soon as I can!

Take care and have a fabulous new year!

Jeeves

Hi Jeeves,

Just finished reading chapter eight. Your characterisation and setting is great. However, I'm afraid that for me your technology has let you down. This is partly because you have government oversight involved.

In the Gibson books the network was controlled by the corporates and the network was all pervasive because the companies could not exist without them. Here however, the government has full control and should be able to shut things down with their legal powers. I expect you need to have the theft more secret and have it stumbled over by accident.

Anyway, good luck with your rewrites and keep writing.

Phillberrie.

Hi Jeeves,

Comments and edits for Chapter five.

Edits

"had been instilled" should be "had been installed"

"permanently messaging his" should be "permanently massaging his"

Comments

I think you should include Jackson's Marine rank as well.

Also would Jackson, as boss, really be just an 'agent' and not say a 'section head' or something even more impressive.

You need to establish why Jackson doesn't simply use his special powers to stop the leaking of the information. He should be able to pick up the phone and get the company removed from the net. Similarly the administrator should have been able to disconnect the company as well. Can't lose information if there's no connection to the internet.

This last one is a biggy. Biotech's shadow division would be on a government net and not part of the general internet. If the leak of information is detected someone higher up the network hierarchy should be able to cut their connection to prevent the loss of sensitive information.

Hope this helps.

Phillberrie.

Hi Jeeves,

Edits and comments for chapter 3 followed by overall comments on the story so far.

Edits

"Bruce" was "Boris" in the last chapter.

"very adept on secretly" should be "very adapt at secretly"

"a concealed compartment that" should be "a concealed compartment there"

"that was had similar" should be "that had similar"

"software programmes" is redundant and most people would consider the last word misspelt.

Comments for Chapter 3

Trey had his umbrella in Chapter 1 and again here, but nowhere do we find out where it was during Chapter 2. I suggest you strength the connection between the doorman and Trey by explicitly stating that the man looks after Trey's umbrella.

---

I'm something of a cyberpunk fan and prefer the darker William Gibson style over Stephenson's brashy 'Snow Crash' style, so I think I will enjoy the story.

I find your settings excellent, but your prose has a redundancy that will need to be weeded out in your final draft. I also thought that there was some parts of the text that could be shortened, such as the bus scene, which seem to me to be overdone for what they are.

Hope this helps.

Phillberrie.

Hi,

Me again. Lots of typos in this chapter, see below I also have some problems with Bruno patting Trey down but not finding his money scanner or his fingerprint printer. Bruno would be looking for electronic recording devices as well as weapons and should have found these.

Edits for Chapter 2

"length blonde hair." should be "length blond hair" The word 'blonde' is specifically for women. Look it up.

"'On what business?' He said ..." should be "'On what business?' he said ..."

"bargaining chip t push" should be "bargaining chip to push"

"on the far side f the room." should be "on the far side of the room."

"allowing the warmth the radiate" should be "allowing the warmth to radiate"

"grunts brawn" should be "grunt's brawn"

"I assure you Mr. Wilkinson" should be "I assure you Mr. Williams"

"and this never took happened" should be "and this never happened"

"his peripheries on set down" should be "his peripheries or set down"

"in the eye overwhelmed a the offer" should be "in the eye overwhelmed by the offer"

"Mr. Collins politely tuned back" should probably be "Mr. Collins politely turned back"

"The smarted move" should be "The smartest move"

"serupticiously" should be "surreptitiously"

"but bother were pre-occupied" should be "but both were pre-occupied"

"Trey took the card back a spoke almost" should be "Trey took the card back and spoke almost"
---

Well its after 1am here in Australia so it's time I called it quits for tonight. I will add your book to my watch list and come back another time.

You might be interested in giving my own book a read. Its fantasy scifi cross genre and I'd be interested in your comments and whether you can pick up the scifi references. You can find it at the following webpage /www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4136

Bye for now.

Phillberrie.

Hi Phillberrie,

Thank you for pointing out the typo's etc, I have made the revisions and re-uploaded it. A sterling effort considering it was 1 in the morning! I concede about the money scanner and finger printer, will need to factor those in more carefully!

cheer

Jeeves

It's a rough diamond at the moment, but a diamond nonetheless. can you message me when you have edited as per your profile? all the best, stef

Hi Stef,

Thankyou for your comments they are very encouraging at this early stage!

Cheers

Chris

Hi,

Me again. Lots of typos in this chapter, see below I also have some problems with Bruno patting Trey down but not finding his money scanner or his fingerprint printer. Bruno would be looking for electronic recording devices as well as weapons and should have found these.

Edits for Chapter 2

"length blonde hair." should be "length blond hair" The word 'blonde' is specifically for women. Look it up.

"'On what business?' He said ..." should be "'On what business?' he said ..."

"bargaining chip t push" should be "bargaining chip to push"

"on the far side f the room." should be "on the far side of the room."

"allowing the warmth the radiate" should be "allowing the warmth to radiate"

"grunts brawn" should be "grunt's brawn"

"I assure you Mr. Wilkinson" should be "I assure you Mr. Williams"

"and this never took happened" should be "and this never happened"

"his peripheries on set down" should be "his peripheries or set down"

"in the eye overwhelmed a the offer" should be "in the eye overwhelmed by the offer"

"Mr. Collins politely tuned back" should probably be "Mr. Collins politely turned back"

"The smarted move" should be "The smartest move"

"serupticiously" should be "surreptitiously"

"but bother were pre-occupied" should be "but both were pre-occupied"

"Trey took the card back a spoke almost" should be "Trey took the card back and spoke almost"
---

Well its after 1am here in Australia so it's time I called it quits for tonight. I will add your book to my watch list and come back another time.

You might be interested in giving my own book a read. Its fantasy scifi cross genre and I'd be interested in your comments and whether you can pick up the scifi references. You can find it at the following webpage /www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=4136

Bye for now.

Phillberrie.

Hi,

Just finished the first chapter and noticed two quick edits.

1. "receptionists enquiry" should be "receptionist's enquiry"

2. "and bare around" should be "and bear around"

Now, I shall read on.

Phillberrie.