Alex and The Very Worst, Very Best Summer Ever

Cute. I liked the "rods" and the "big brother" references a lot.
Easy read for the most part. (Although I might come up with a different spelling for idget. Maybe Idyot or idyit so it's a little closer to the real word.)
I might suggest looking at the tiem when he hurts his leg and dealing more with what's happening besides just mad to not mad. For example, are they anxious? scared? sad? Calm? How does he sort through their emotions? Does he start to get more anxious (what are they worried is going to happen? What are they seeing down there that scares them?)

This is absolutely wonderful - as a nurse I can see the huge potential this has! Well crafted adn I would love to see your illustrations - go to medical publishers as well to market this cause it is a great book! BACKED


Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi, I am sure English children would appreciate this story too. The fact that Alex was injured because he disobeyed a request did not result in a punishment though he was afraid it would, most children will identify with this. His experiences in hospital were well written explaining the process without being frightening. The bond between his grandpa and all his friends stresses the importance of such relationships. I am sure youngsters from 8-10 would enjoy this. Regards, Anne

Hello Kim, the children in the UK are just the same, although the language would be slightly different. I think they would understand it better than grown ups. Being a child at heart, and not just an old codger, I think this is a wonderful book for the children. One thing you say, about reading it to the children; I do think that most of the ones up to say 9 or 10, love to have things like this read to them, they then laugh and comment more, which is all part of the learning process. I wish you all the very best with this book. Backed earlier.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And muddledydo. (slightly different childrens books to yours)

Alex is sweet and believable. Love the innocence of this. backed. Lynn

That was lovely, I read every word.
With some nice pictures, it will be a great book for kids, especially those with the prospect of a hospital stay, a very reassuring feel to the whole thing.

This is just so lovely! :) backed and on my shelf because this is just good writing. Normally I find something to complain about but here this is just a good example of simple, unpretentious writing. I find one recurring thing I find on this site is that some of the writing unfortunately has a bit of a superiority complex. That is a fault that you are definitely not guilty of. Well done and good luck! :)

Hi Kim
do you think you could take out the "very"s in the title. Alex and the Worst, Best Summer Ever, I think reads better, is catchier.

You could loose the "that" in the first sentence and even "being a" . The sentence would become: The day I finished first-grade started out pretty good.

You could loose the "my" before mom in the next sentence too.

Don't overdo the exclamation marks. They can be a little evil ; ).

Third paragraph begins with "Once..." which I don't think is typical kidspeak. Maybe "When..." instead.

Also in that paragraph perhaps end the first sentence at the word "school." Then drop the "and" and start the next sentence with "She..."

He talks about going "down" to Caleb's house. You don't really need the "down", especially when in the next sentence you reveal Caleb is only next door.

I'd suggest dropping the "run" in the first sentence of paragraph four.

"Pretty darn quick" ... do kids still talk like that? It sounds a bit 1950s (unless your story is set then?).

"... a thing of beauty" would a boy really think or say that?

"Caleb's brand new, never-been-jumped-on-at-all trampoline." Consider adding in the hyphens, they add a bit of playfulness to the way the words are used.

In the next sentence consider dropping the "that".

Drop the "very" where you talk about Caleb's sad face.

"I said as I sighed" sounds a little too old for a boy. Maybe break it up. Move the "I sighed" on its own above that sentence and then you can drop the "as".

I haven't read anymore but I think it sounds cute and I will try and get back soon and read more.

Stick with it.

Best regards
Judith

Kim,

Here's my review of your first and second chapter.

You have a playfully youthful voice, which was perfect and believeable for a six year old. Although I'd watch out for extra words like "that" (see your first sentenc) which don't really add anything to a sentence. If the sentence makes sense without "that" then just drop it. Cutting these words will help tighten your prose.

I did wonder if there was a better opening for your book then the end of the school year because I didn't really get into it until the trampoline incident. Perhaps you could do a little more showing with your first couple paragraphs. However, once the trampolining begins the story is off and running.

I liked the dialogue between Alex and Caleb it was natural and I could see two six year olds talking like that. ;)

It also ends on a cliffhanger (or would that be a trampoline-hanger ;), which is well done. ;)

Your second chapter is well written too... I liked your alligator reference and the reactions of all your characters to what happened.

Alex not wanting to cry is, exactly the type of reaction "big boys" have... it's called the "I'm fine" syndrome. ;)

Overall, I enjoyed the first two chapters and other than the couple things I pointed out I think your book has a lot of promise. Well done. ;)

Best Wishes,
Joseph

PS: Should it be "killeded" instead of killded? ;)

Hi Kim.

Youthful voice, identifiable for your genre. Delightful twist ending of a great day ending in an accident. Upbeat telling- fresh. Original choice of lingo when describing injury and parental reaction. My sister in law jumped a fence to save a drowning girl, so your description of the same rang true for me. Throughout your story, you provide rhythm by repeating partial phrases within one sequence of action. It's gives your work a unique style with a sing/song beat. Adorable ending to chapter 2. Your protagonist is a dear, good boy, likeable and easy to befriend.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

Easy to read, delightful story!

My only suggestions:

I know it’s written in a young voice, and meant to have a little kids voice/grammar…but I still think you may want to change the following things:

***Just a little more tough guy. (Comma after more)

***…if an alligator had ahold of his leg. (should be “a hold”)

***Not so much Darth Vador but Robocop Alex. (Comma after Robocop)

***Wrestlers Grandpa? (Comma after wrestlers)

All in all I think kids will love it. The little kid voice is a charming touch to the story. LOL….40-11 hours would be way to long to wait with an alligator leg. (Very cute lol)

Check out Liquid Comfort if you like :) Would love your opinion!

Kim,
This is a brilliant book. I adore Alex and his shenanigans.
Charity

In a word, "Cute."
Even though I have yet to make it to the grandpa stage, I'm still the guy all the little ones in the family want to spend time with, because I take them places, skating, the playground, Chuck E Cheese's, whatever.

I'll read this out loud to my six and eight-year-old neices, the next time they're over. Read the entire post in one sitting, though it was a hoot.

Like the part about the wrestlers---ran into a (before my time) former pro wrestler named Boris (The Great) Malenko, who was out selling aluminum siding, door to door, and got his autograph for my father-in-law. He was really a nice guy, or so he seemed (not at all like the bad guy persona daddy-in-law described him as), so you hit the nail on the head with your guys.

I just read the whole book in a sitting. Kim, this is just delightful. What more can I say? Except: shelved.

Kim
Already said I love the title.
You have a very natural style that I'm certain kids will love. I didn't like the deliberate misspellings. If a kid can spell neighborhood then he should be able to spell killed. Alternatively I suppose you could put them in italics to let the reader know it's one of his idiocincratic words.
A few tips I've been given to sharpen things up that apply to your writing:
* avoid that and had. For example "...said that we had to go get pictures..." is easier to read if it's: "...said they needed pictures..."
* Remove "was" where ever poss: I liked the alligator simile, but change to: "like an alligator hiding underneath..." (or just "under"?)
*keep "he/she/I said" simple. I noticed "...as..." often followed said, such as: "I said as I sighed."
2 nit picks:
* "I ran as fast as I could run." The "run" is unnecessary.
" "back yard" one word in UK English. Not sure if US is different.
Oh don't look so crestfallen! These are all minor issues. While I didn't continue beyond chapter 3, I'm sure kids would keep going. You end chapters well - which is so important.
Best of luck with this. Shelved!
Murray

Hi Kim,

I read the first four chapters.

You've placed an engaging character in a fast-paced, fascinating story. And you've thrown a ton of laugh-out-loud humor. I love it, I love it, I love it.

Your first scene was excellent. It provided an nice introduction to Alex and his world.

As they story progressed we learned so much about Alex. What delightful child he is. Charming. And what a delight to see our crazy world from his sharp eyes. Your narrative voice goes deep inside Alex's thoughts and emotions and shows us so much of what makes him tick. Well done, Kim.

Your descriptions of people and places is perfectly tuned to Alex's point of view. A remarkable achievement. You know your subjects well and you're skill at seeing the world through their eyes. Masterful.

Your dialogue sounds authentic and flows smoothly out of the situations. Nothing contrived here.

Your pacing swept me up.

Some suggested edits.

"But we could be very, very careful," I sighed. You can't sigh dialogue, so 'I sighed' isn't a dialogue tag. End the dialogue with a period.

"Mom said, "No way Jose." When quoting dialogue within dialogue, use a single quote mark for the quotation and a double quote mark for the dialogue. For example, "Mom said, 'No way Jose.'" Note that the punctuation goes inside all the quote marks.

"Well... just for a minute." When using three ellipsis dots, separate them from the text with a space. You do this correctly most of the time, so this might just be a slip up.

"I'll keep a look-out for mom." Capitalize 'mom.' Same thing with 'All the way to the hospital mom held my hand.'

"Aaron bring me my cell phone." Comma after 'Aaron.'

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Over use diminishes their effectiveness.

He said, "I'm sorry Alex." Comma after 'sorry.' Each time you use a person's name (or title) in dialogue, off set the name (or title) with a comma. Same thing with "Wait a minute doctor." Comma after 'minute.'

He said they had to wait 40-11 hours . . . Spell out numbers 1 to 99.

These are minor edits and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your superb story.

Good luck with your book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

cutsie and clever young children's book, where your obvious abyss of knowledge of dealing with six year olds shines brighter than the florida sunshine.
couldn't resist putting you on my new look bookshelf, watchlisted you as well because i'll definately come back for another chapter or two at least.
hope you get chance to read nathan green and the hunt for mr big soon. i hope all your kids might love it.
cheers tim

This is just great for kids! Someone has said that the ending is too open but if it is (and I don't necessarily agree though you may have changed it by now!) surely this leaves it open for more adventures by Alex and his Grandfather? It has just the right length of chapters to keep young readers interested. Good luck! Alison (shelving asap!)

I've read three chapters of the book and enjoyed it a lot. The voice is just right and that's not an easy thing to do. I've put you on my watch list.
Good luck,
Sharon :)

This was cute. I was reading along and then it occurred to me to ask my five-and-three-quarters-old son to stop playing Wii and sit with me. We read through chapter four and after every chapter I asked him if he wanted me to stop so he could get back to his game. He said no, he loved it! I could have easily read him the whole thing, but it’s getting time for dinner and I wanted to compose this comment first. This is just his cup of juice, a story about a naughty boy who gets hurt! My son is huge on all things disaster and destruction. There were many funny bits for parents worked in, like the tendency for young children to make up numbers (my son used “ninety-ninety eleven” for some time to indicate his version of a large number). My only crit is I think Darth Vader is spelled with an “e.” Well done. Shelf! :o)

I have to add another comment. I finished reading the whole book, and it was a very enjoyable read. The only thing that I would change would be the ending. I mean, it gives the feeling of an incomplete story. Maybe you should think about adding something else to it, like one tiny sentence to give it that finishing touch. Nothing much, one single sentence might be enough.

Other than that, I do believe that this book should be published and available to all children, especially little boys. Good luck with it! Will definetly keep it on my bookshelf for a while.

I've read through the first three chapters of your book, and I must admit that I have enjoyed it enormously. It would most certainly make a good read for any boy or girl, especially if they're stuck with a broken leg over the summer. Spotted a few spelling errors, but nothing much.

Backed!

Watch your spelling in your short pitch and full pitch - getting this wrong can easily put off potential readers as it may be taken as an indication as to what is to come! I'm not sure "wyas" is a word, though I maybe wrong.

Thanks so much Simon. I could smile and say that "wyas" is a REALLY southern way of saying "ways" but instead I'll just say thank you for pointing that typo out. I spell-checked everything but the short pitch thinking (obviously incorrectly) that I could hardly mess up 25 words or less.

Watch your spelling in your short pitch and full pitch - getting this wrong can easily put off potential readers as it may be taken as an indication as to what is to come! I'm not sure "wyas" is a word, though I maybe wrong.