Succubus

Good Story- its well polished and has good hooks at the end of the chapters that keep the reader wanting more. Desi.

This has the makings of a good tale. Your female characters are strong and engage the reader's interest. Background is sketchy but enough to anchor the story in time and place. Ecaterina is an interesting character and works well with Hanna. Language may be a little too 'modern; but who said this was our earth? :)
Lots of potential here.
Jim Darcy
The Firelord's Crown

This looks good so far. Ecaterina sounds like a bad girl. I love the corrupting the innocent theme. I might come back to this story later. Keep up the good work.

I read the first chapter it's good so far. It reads like an already published book. It's so sad that her sister killed herself and I can't wait until the man that comes between the two friends enters the book. Backing it.

This is such a cool idea! I'm going to take a minute and read some of this. Good job grabbing my attention.

Nice. You have a flar for catching one's attention. I love your dialogs and descriptions. -- Dave

Okay, first, I like the idea. I believe it has real potential as every story does. I see where you have tried to give the characters their personality, but Ecaterina sticks out like a sore thumb. The language she uses, and even her presence is far to modern for a story currently set in the 13th Century. I don't believe 'fashion' would have been very importnant back then.
The first chapter didn't draw me in as much as i should have, but I continued to read to give the story it's chance.
Therefore, I would like to say that the first chapter needs more impact, and needs to be less modern. I can see what you are trying to do with Ecaterina, showing her as rebellious and sexually active, but you need to make sure you keep with the times. I'd also like to add that the end of chapter three, I think Hanna's exit from the convent was too fast. Too much happened at once. Slow it down, and it should work well.

Hope this helps, and best of luck.
Ivy

PS - if you're trying to make this an erotic story, the sex needs a lot more to it. Erotic novels tend to be quite graphic.

Hi Jamie - Have read the three chapters posted. You write well and I intend to read any further chapters you post. I like this. Your pacing is excellent, but you are in serious need of a hook to start the story with. As it is set during one of the outbreaks of bubonic plague....

My only other observations are that in the 13th century, 30 is not young. It would be considered middle aged and 40, old. "Dick" is also oddly out of place. Aside from that, I will be back. Moved to my bookshelf and backed to boot.

This is the type of story I love!

Sorry for the late reply. I've just uploaded the remainder of part one. Enjoy :)

After reaching the third chapter I'm sorry there isn't more to read because I'm getting into the story. I had to grow into the story but by the middle of chapter two I was really enjoying it.

Hey Alice,

Thanks for the kind words. I've just uploaded the remainder of part one. Enjoy! :)

Jamie,

I *loved* this. Is there more?

Alice

Jamie,

I *loved* this. Is there more?

Alice

After reaching the third chapter I'm sorry there isn't more to read because I'm getting into the story. I had to grow into the story but by the middle of chapter two I was really enjoying it.