Pizza Good Times

Ach, I'm not instantly grabbed by this slice of pitch, the base seems a bit soggy. Now if the story centred around a salade nicoise...I might bite. But to be fair, I can see that the story cld appeal to a young reader who is struggling to find a footing in the evil world and for whom pizza is a stable of his diet and a job opportunity.

This is quite funny, although it stretches the definition of YA, with pregnancy and other tangents. Nevertheless, a couple of notes:

*As an American, you need to watch the Britishisms: Brenda would never "fire the lot of them." She would either "fire them all," "fire their asses," or "fire the whole pathetic bunch." Ditto for words like "manifestly." Used, yes, but probably not in YA fiction that takes place in America.

*I don't meant to sound or champion political correctness, but a book that takes place in a Detroit suburb needs to acknowledge, or reference, the realities of Detroit. It's not only a majority African-American city, but it has the largest Arab population in the U.S., .e.g Lebanese, Palestinian, etc. So incorporate all this. Unless Raven (and I would suggest Raven Heights, Raven Hills or Ravendale for authenticity's sake), is very affluent, no one is naming their girl Annabella.

*Meanwhile, the characters seem very real to me, and the sack-sack quality of Ian and Brenda and 'the whole bunch of them' is provides verisimilitude that stands out. I think if Ian could have some goal at the beginning, that is big (leave Detroit, start a funky independent pizza place in a cool neighborhood, save money to visit/teach overseas), then we could also be drawn along by his character, not just the funny, day to day, stuff. I'd love to see more of the threads tied up and the character updates at the end, with some people re-appearing throughout and at the end, to give readers a sense of reward, and incentive to read onward.

*I guess I'm saying I would love to see a commercial-style ending.

All in all, a great read.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Shaun -
I just happened on this book while bored, and it immediately stood out to me. Having worked my share of crappy minimum wage jobs, I can relate to the characters immensely - it makes it all the better to read. And your use of understatement and dry, sharpened turns of phrase made me laugh out loud quite a few times. Even your word choices - like "the girl with the heavy shorts" - are just fantastically placed.
Shelved for sure, I'm going to go back and keep reading now!
-T

Hi Shaun,
Having read chapter one, I think you could have something here. There is something certainly in the writing - you seem to capture the snappiness of adolescence but also that budding intelligence that most 17 year olds can bring to a situation.

I'm intrigued and amused - I like Ian's approach and the fact he has that geeky comic book habit. A couple of parts are overwritten at the moment (but that's not that bad of a thing) - but I do wonder if we need a quick one liner to explain why Ian decides to return to PGT.

Has this been long in preparation?

Hi Shaun,
Tonight is YA night in my weird system of navigating Authonomy! I'm so pleased i came across Pizza Good Times because it is, I think, the most original book i've yet found in the category. This is funny, really funny because you do it with such a deadpan expression just setting up bizarre situations and letting them roll out in lovely straight descriptive prose. ian is a great character- completely believable; I love the fact he's growing virtual carrots and his sudden genius intervention with the garlic butter is all the better because his immediate, and entirely natural reaction to the crisis was to slope off and observe from a distance. I've just finished chapter 5 and am watchlisting this because i want to treat myself to some more later. Jak

I'm with Cordia on this one, Shaun: this is funny.

I think I love Ian, right now. Love the way he thinks, and feel that you have the voice of the hormone-driven teenage male down to pat. He's a great character. Well done.

There's a little smoothing to be done, (I felt you could ditch the first paragraph) but not much at all really. I'm left (after chapter one) wondering if Ian will get laid and if he'll be worth it for whatever partner will have him. Lol!

Thank you for sharing your work with us. I'll be back for sure.

Shaun - Pizza Good Times is great!

It's funny and moves along nicely. The characters are interesting and the dialog is believable.

This would make a good movie.

My short little humour project. I won the Unpublished Writers' Jam at last year's Debut Authors Festival in Edinburgh reading from this, so I'm quite encouraged that it's as funny as it seems to me. But comments for and against are always welcome. Thanks!