Demo

Takes us down memory lane and stirs up buried emotions about what a could have would have should have done scenario. Your story is energetic and well told and surely entertains. you write from the hreat and as a result communicate well with the reader.
This one deserves to be in stores
backed

This resonated with me on a whole other level. For many, many years I worked in record store. Most of the people employed in said store were musicians. The amount of gigs, recordings, concerts, I went too is amazing. The amount of buttons, posters and t-shirts I bought nearly brankrupted me.
This is hilariously accurate. The tone you write with is amusing, the style which you write is enjoyable and engaging. And honest.
A bitter cynical musician trying to make it in a a market where it is near impossible. Delightful.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

As a guitar player myself I had to chuckle at your first line. I read through the first chapter and enjoyed the main character - the last paragraph was well written and made me want to turn the page - but instead of reading chapter 2, I flipped randomly to your chapter 5. I wasn't so sure that I liked this particular chapter ending - a question....and my overall impression was that you sort of ran out of steam here. To me it didn't quite feel like a natural chapter break. But up unti lthe last two paragraphs I liked the writing, throught it very smooth. The voice is amusing and I could empathize with the personal modesty (not so great a singer either). Entertaining read. On my shelf for a bit.

Hi David, this is a funny read. I like your voice it's cynical tone and funny commentary makes the reader connect easier with the piece. I liked the bit about the eighties fashion, its all back now only the other day i saw someone wearing one of those shiny suits! I found myself skipping forward wanting to know if he makes it or not, which is always a good sign, I was compelled to read on. Its on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

This story falls right into my time...I remember quite a few things you've touched upon. The book seems aimed at male readers for the most part, but I enjoyed it too! Backed.

L. Anne Carrington, "The Cruiserweight"

I think Bowie was getting clean (not drugged) when he did Heroes etc (1977 on...) His low point was 1976-76, when he was into cocaine. He went to Berlin to escape the US coke scene. Anyway, you're not the Dave Hill from Slade, I take it! I enjoyed this a lot... it took me right back. I think your narrator is like a 1950s "angry young man" only his anger is directed at those with more talent/intelligence rather than those with wealth. There is a tone of resentment underlying much of what he says, but there is also a hint of self-mockery and disdain for societal norms. Good stuff.
Frank

David

An original premise....shall we give it a genre heading of its own......Dick Lit.....(I like it)

You have a unique and what I call 'easy listening writing voice'

If you're writing with the view of possible publication (aren't we all),,,,,you need to polish it a bit.....I'll give you a couple of examples...

Your narrators voice needs to be consistent......I don't, I'm, It's (this is him talking and needs to be him thinking) I think I have been to about twenty interviews......(I think I've been) is what he'd say......
I am convinced......(I'm convinced) would be more like him....

the ironic thing is (that) some people .........the ironic thing is some people.
I decided (that) I would like to work ........I decided I would like to work
a shop (that) I swore ......a shop I swore
it's not (that) cool really......it's not cool really.....

no one (has) actually asked .......no one actually asked
no one (has) ever wanted ........no one ever wanted.

In all of the above cases you could delete 'has' and 'that' ........you dont need them.

A few weeks ago by but.......'typo'

I enjoyed the read, I felt like I was in on a bit of gossip, and yes, I'll read more.....It's fine as it is, we all have different styles.....

Shelved with pleasure.

Really sorry for the delay getting back to you.
I love your pitch – it appealed straight away, as I am your target market I guess. Like the old saying goes: “You’re as old as you feel!”
It brought back some good memories … and a few I should try to forget.
You have a pleasant way of writing, very easy on the eyes, but with enough to keep the brain thinking as you jog along through the story. I like your main character – do I see some of the author in there, perhaps? That’s the thing about 1st person: there’s no hiding.
I also like the colloquial style, which gives it feel, personality and a good dose of reality, making it easier to sympathise if not always empathise. It works well.
I’ve backed it for its simplicity and appeal – very entertaining in a “God, I was there” sort of way.
All the best to you, David.
Tony (‘If Only I Could Talk’)

A coupla little errors that you might want to know about.
In Ch1, should ‘anymore’ not be ‘any more’ as in any more of rather than no longer?
Also, ‘everybodys’’ should be ‘everybody’s’.

Ch3: ‘somebody’s else’s’ should be ‘somebody else’s’.

Love your chatty memories...shelved
Fictionalised memorties..it doesnt matter
this is hugely interesting for a whole generation
of past it middle aged plonkers like me.
Best of luck with it..........Mikey...............The Free

Hii - well I hope the publishing business isn't like the music business (but somehow I think it's just as hard to break into). Anyway, happily backed.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

A huge number of middle-aged men are going to be nodding in total agreement with your MC... You describe the plight of the failed yet desperate musician very well indeed. I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of this kind of first person, pally with the reader, style and the asides to the reader grate a little. I'd like to get stuck into the story, rather than have several chapters of navel-gazing. I want to SEE this world, this shabby, sad, disillusioned world and find myself laughing automatically, rather than being told about it and being nudged at the funny bits.
That said, you can write (though yes, a good edit is called for) and I'm happy to back.
Jane
WALKER

sorry, could not get into this, sounds like it was written by someone who knows nothing about music. Was there a plot?

Hi David,

I love this book! I love the tangents. I love the fact that, after 2 chapters, I have no idea where this is going. I love the narrator. It reminds me a little bit of Nick Hornby, actually. Yes, you definitely need to do something with punctuation and spelling, but that didn't stop me for an instant. And, not being British, I didn't get a few inside references, but I didn't care.

What you have here, is a guy trying to hang onto his dream and believing that it's still possible. Sure, things were better in the past. Things are always better in the past for those of us with sufficient enough past. You've written a character that is both cynical and optimistic.

I'm shelving this with pleasure and keeping it on my watchlist so I can read more later.

Charley
"5ive Speed"

There is a lot promise here. Nice humor and a nice pace. I think what you may need is a good edit. For example-

‘You would normally associate the behavior pattern (that of guitar case carrying) with students or people with too much time on their hands, I never was a student, not in the true sense of the word, obviously I went to school (most of the time) but I never did the whole university trip, something I do regret a bit now, but at the time I really could not be doing with anymore studying.' This sentence is a little long and the last bit a bit awkward.

You have the start of something good here. Once it's tightened up it will be a much smother read. On my shelf to encourage you. C.P

Now that I have time at weekend job, of course my luck being what it is, the website is now acting up and I cannot read any book. I'll try to swing by later to read what you have posted. Meanwhile, I am SHELVING this effort. If you get the chance when the website is working again, would love your comments on my book, but it's NOT mandatory, NOT even your backing is required. Because I do not want to upset anybody, just read mine at your leisure. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Demo is written in a style that I enjoy, and I especially liked the nostalgic, wry humour that runs through your narrative like a golden thread. I think your story has a lot of potential, so I'm happy to back it.
However, I think the editor needs to sharpen his pencil and do some polishing. After chapter 1 I'm asking myself who is this 'I" that's talking to me - does he have a name? After a couple of chapters I'm asking myself 'where is this story going?' instead of being drawn along by the flow of the narrative. So I reread your pitch and still wasn't much wiser about the milestones along the journey and the characters I'm likely to meet. Reminiscences can only get you so far, bearing in mind that to many of your potential readers 1960's Britain will be as alien as Mars - so I think you need to strengthen the underlying story as a solid theme you can wrap all the nostalgia around. A bit more dialogue up front would be welcome, too, to bring me closer to the main character [whoever he is!]. Just one personal set of views, of course, so Pick and Mix [sorry for the nostalgia!] these thoughts as you see fit. Best of luck.

Hi Dave,
This certainly has some potential. The premise of the story is a good one and the protagonist seems very real. There are some great lines in there like describing the pattern on a jumper as "tetris out on the piss"; your knowledge and passion for music certainly comes through loud and clear. However, as a reader I felt that the story needed to come through more strongly. I had very little feel for plot. When you're writing a story in the first person and there are lots of reflections and anecdotes it is easy for the plot to get lost. Have you read Catcher in the Rye, because that is a great character study, but there is a narrative story running through all the reflections of a disaffected teenager? I would also recommend A White Merc with Fins by James Hawes for the similar reasons. I'm no expert on these matters but I imagine some editing would make Demo's story shine through more strongly.
Good luck with Demo! Cheers,
Rob

Hey! As a former musician, I could totally identify with this story. I think there is a lot of promise here. I love the tone. I think though that you could dial it up just a bit more. Let's feel it! I suggest trying also to incorporate all the senses. Sight. Sound. Smell. Touch. Taste. Below are my observations as I read chapter 1. These are only my thoughts and suggestions on how to make your story sparkle even more. But really, this is your story. I can not tell you how to write it. And I certainly don't have the answers. This is your story. And no one can write it like you! So tell it your way. If my comments make sense, use them. If they seem off-base or stupid, PLEASE ignore them and know that I only meant to help. I wish you the best of luck with this.

Sending positive energy.
Rachel May


Chapter 1
I don’t know about you, but every time I see somebody carrying a guitar case through the streets I can’t help but think (––) wanker! I think by adding an emm dash it adds more emphasis to the word “Wanker”. Just a thought. Consider.

Maybe it’s my cynical nature, having spent nearly twenty years trying…. This sentence reads awkward. Revise. The part that skips me up. One way I’d solve this is to rework it to read: Maybe it’s my cynical nature, having spent nearly twenty years trying unsuccessfully to break into the music business, or maybe it’s the fact that I’m older and jealous of these young lads strutting down the street like Mic Jagger. You see where I’m going here.

Next paragraph, you say, “And the truth is it’s not that cool really, not anymore.” Well let’s be more decisive. Consider revising to: Truth is, it’s not that cool. At least, not anymore.

Rather then start the next sentence with “It just doesn’t have the same appeal to be in a band as it did when I was young.” Start with what it was like when you were young in a band then go into that it doesn’t have the same appeal.

Then you start talking about your experience or lack of experience going to university. You have a lot of long sentences here that the flow feels off. I’d rework it.
Where your story really begins to me, is when you start at 16 years old.

Maybe your beginning is:

Yes. I’m bitter --–– bitterly bitter in the most fetid way possible. You could say that it’s just jealousy that makes me squint my eyes and glare with malcontent as I see yet another cocky musician walking down the street with a guitar case, all swagger and sex appeal. But it’s not. Okay, fine. I admit it! I am jealous.

The truth is I was that guy––twenty years ago –– blue jeans so tight little could be left to the imagination. I was the guy with dreams bigger than my talent, with the whole world at my feet and women warm in my bed.

This is only a suggestion and is by no means the way to solve it. But I just feel that a little more angst in your opening could pull the reader in more. Just think about it.

I don’t think you need to capitalize “Forty”. Check your style guide. Maybe it’s different overseas.

Not sure that you need an exclamation point after this: …and as you read on you’ll realize why(!). I’d make it a period.
“I still don’t go to Top Man now due to these terrible teenage memories, that seemed to have scarred me for life, I may have to get counseling for this, face my fears, perhaps start with looking in the window to eventually buying maybe a small item at first like a tie, before progressing to a shirt.” Whew! That’s a mouthful! It feels like a run-on sentence. Break up into a couple of sentences. By doing this it will make it feel like less of a run-on.

You’re A,B,C…be consistent. C, has a period at the end of it. A & B should as well.

Comma after the words “In fact (,)”

More exclamations. WOW! I would be careful of using too many as they lose meaning the more you use them. Just think about this. I’m not sure it’s needed. The “gulp” in quotes does it for you. At least, in my opinion.

“I have, in my time, …. Not sure that you need “in my time” we get from the beginning that you’ve been trying for twenty years.

(this applies to male (and) female) I think or…I don’t know I think and feels better. But it’s a style choice. Up to you.

“See what I mean about being cynical(?) add a question mark. Start a new sentence with the next part.

“To be honest (,)….” Add a comma after the word “honest”

I love the GREAT UNDERACHIEVER. The Bridesmaid thing feels overused. What if you changed it to …. Always a backup singer never a lead singer. Or always a groupie never a backup singer. I don’t know but you get the idea.

I like that you question yourself. Was I right to give up? How many musicians have asked themselves this? It’s a nugget of humanity and self-doubt.

“….no one has to see you in a studio (––) do they?” add an emm dash.

Period after the word “material” New sentence after. “I still know enough musicians to perform it” Feels awkward to me. I think it’s the “perform it” that feels weird.

“I could have been a contender. Instead of just a bum.” I am Brando, thinking of gold records just missed. That’s not right, but you get where I’m going I hope.

Hello David,

I love the idea of this story. So up my street. I found, however that there were too many asides to let the narrative flow. I think with a good edit this is easily fixable. (I was guilty of this too, and made some big cut/rewrites/edits and am really glad I did.) The thought of 'getting the band back together' and diving into the studio is perfect fodder for a novel. I like the references to songs and styles throughout - adds an honesty and something most of us can connect with.

I think that you could cut this down and make it quicker, funnier and slicker as a result. It is definitely on the right track, to my mind, and I wish you all the best. Do you have any tracks on line? Would love to have a listen.

Kat

Hey David
The voice is manic, obsessed, as most musicians are, in some corner of their minds, whether successful or still striving. I too am one and I like that manic flow of yours. I like how you weave anecdotes into it, keep them going like riffs succeeding one another. The story about Dog nuts is good--it's the first bit of sustained story you do, is effective where it comes. I think narratives like this work when you weave together stories that keep people spellbound, the way Siouxsie used to sing. I think you could use some more hooks here and there, they may sound clunky when you first drop them in but you can always refine them. I mean statements where you foreshadow something that is important later. Give the book a stronger structure. Your premise about the demo of the 40 year old is a great one and I can see it doing well.

Good luck with it.

Freddie

David
I know I started this, but must have taken Demo off my WL before I commented. I feel bad. Especially since you took a look at The Devil's Pact too!

Ok some minor typo things I noted reading 3 chapters:
* “Change the world (full stop missing)”
* “minds working overtime.” – “mind’s”
* In chapter 3: “something or somebody’s else’s” – should be “somebody”
* “(for anybody…” should have a capital F

Big Picture, this reminded me of the collaborative work of Tony Parsons and Nick Horby. I flicked through chpater 4 and noticed that conversations started. If I have any real input it would be to encourage you to do this earlier. Your early chapters are good. I liked you narrative voice, but I keep feeling a frustration that the story hadn't really started. Imagine "About a Boy" going on and on with the back story (with Hugh Grant narrating about his dull life based on one single) going on before we meet the boy.
Maybe I should dig this book out and check it for myself before I tell you how he TP does it, but I suspect interaction (speech) is introduced quite early on.
An alternative is to start with some action and then give us the narration. Give us back story interspered in the early chapters rather than all at once.

Happy to take a look if you do a rewrite, but shelving to help you on your way, anyhooo.

Murray

David, just had a little read, and the bit about carrying guitar cases resonated with me, as I always felt a turd when I had to! Just be a bit careful with punctuation. There are lots of commas where there should be fullstops and an apostrophe in the wrong place , all near the start. This can sometimes stop people from getting into a story properly. they become too busy snootily spotting the typos instead! Hope this is helpful. It was certainly intended to be!
I shall read further and report back. Geoff Tristram.

Hi Dave - I've been tickled pink, reading this. Partly because I've got the monthly rehearsal with my own band this evening (we do it for fun, more than anything, and can't be accused of taking it all that seriously; just covers) and partly because you're writing about my generation, my era, my favourite music (Floyd, Bowie, Radiohead ... I'm constantly being told that my singing sounds like Bowie, although I never consciously try to sound like him). The fashions - ooh, flashbacks - the reflections on the industry, the dreams of youth melding into the cynicism of middle age ... your book brings it all uproariously to life.

It's great fun, this. Told at a cracking pace. It also reads most convincingly as a genuine memoir - i.e., as non fiction. Reading it, it's hard to tell how much is 'made up' and how much is based on your own experiences.

I'd suggest that a bit of editing might be an idea, when the moment is ripe. It's not the narrator's voice (which is absolutely authentic) or the material, or the slightly hyped-up conversational pace (reading it, I could hear so many musos I've known over the years) - it's just the little things. Odd typos. I can't help feeling that there's a readership out there for this - dudes like me who remember the 80s and who have always had some attachment to music and dreamt of rock and roll superstardom. I'm almost tempted to suggest that you send it to some prominent figures in the music industry - critics, say - to see if they'll have a read and back it.

Anyway, I loved it. Great fun. How could I not pop this one up on my shelf?

Thanks for the memories!

Simon

Dear David, I like your narrator-protagonist very much. His observations on music as well as other aspects of popular culture are intelligent, incisive, and funny. If your book ever becomes a movie, Dennis Waterman should be given the starring role. He’s a good match physically, middle-aged but youthful, he could convey your character’s blend of optimism and cynicism, and he’d get the jokes across.

Demo has been showing me a good time. Thanks. Maria

this book is about me, apart from my demo tape would be the book that's on here. wrote something when i should of been studying for my A-levels, got told it wasn't good enough and gave up for 20 years. in between i failes said A-levels, didn't go to university(biggest ever regret) worked in retail and various other jobs, all of which pay the mortgage but leave you with a void. the 8o's was a strange time and you capture the mood well along with that of your character's.
shelved as i dream of yesteryear.Tim

David,
really enjoyed this. it does feel like a non-fiction memoir but that shows the strength of the writing.
It hit the spot so many times (eg. A shop assistant sold me a solar-powered calculator and asked me if I wanted batteries as well) that I often found myself nodding and smiling.
Cheers!
Simon
ps. I sang in a punk band when I was a teenager. The 'best' song I wrote started:
"It aint' fair! I get in a rage,
When they won't let me drink 'cos I'm under age!"
I'm still proud of that!

Hi, David...
Just read first four chapters of Demo---and still am not willing to hazard a guess as to whether this is fiction or a memoir---although leaning toward memoir. Nice narrative skills, but you might want to add a little more dialogue. Obviously a subject you are passionate about---and that's half the battle.

Did get a kick out of the two extra pounds for a homeless person if they had a dog. And funny you should mention Saturday Night Fever, only a couple of months after I tried to watch it again and wondered what is was that I so loved about it when the movie first came out... Ahh, I was very young and easily impressed, too young to have been caught up into the disco/polyester craze the movie ushered in.

What you have to remember is...for every Clash that comes along, ten thousand lesser bands toil in relative obscurity until they give up on THE DREAM. (I use them because you mentioned the group as a contemporary to yours)

Why do we recognise The Clash? Three words---Rock The Casbah!

What determines record company interest? Three criteria: Looks, sex appeal---commercial viability (including looks, sex appeal)---and/or a catchy moniker (like The Clash) or one song that might capture the public's attention(like Rock the Casbah), whether deserved or undeserved.

Back to The Clash, and Rock the Casbah---I remember first hearing the song (and of the group) at a company Christmas party. After hearing it a few more times, I began to catch myself humming the tune, often at times I didn't need to be humming anything...

Was this a great song? Hell, no---it just had a catchy beat and some interesting guitar work---the lyrics were crap. In the ASJB, Smokey and Leanne have a favorite song, and it isn't one of his. It's Fountain of Sorrow, by Jackson Browne, which Jackson wrote for a young Darryl Hannah after she dumped him (around the time she made Splash, and WHO could blame the man). Now THAT is a GREAT song (from his Late For the Sky LP)---study the lyrics, the melody, instrumentals... It's a wonderful song, but I bet you never even heard of it---it...just...wasn't...catchy...enough---to receive radio airplay, the other deciding factor on whether a recording becomes a hit, or merely a pile of musical dung, kicked to the wayside...

Best of luck on your writing, and I hope you enjoy the ASJB.

After reading the 1st chapter, I have to say I was rather surprised that I would want to read more, but i did !! I am not usally interested in this type of book but it was refreshing and drew me in. Referring back to someone else's comments about this being a bit like an autobiography, this was actually what kept me reading. If this was just a story about anybody then I dont think it would hold the same appeal.
I think this has been written very well and the fact we are unsure whether the character is based on the writer or just anybody I feel makes it interesting. If I had to say anything to be critical, I would say that sometimes the writer does wander off the point and when this happens, I find myself wandering from the story as well. However, when the writer returns to the story, I feel myself drawn back in and wanting to read more. I shall be reading this book to the end and wish you good luck in both your music and writing.

I loved your intro, really catchy and drew me in.
1st chapter is really promising, very witty, I love your dry cinical sense of humor.
I will definately be reading more!

This had me smiling from the first line. Very nostalgic, for those of us in the same age bracket, and also reminded me of Nick Hornby in terms of style and tone. I would buy this book for my husband who is a 40 year old frustrated musician!
On my bookshelf,
Ruth

I love the idea of a 40 y.o. going for broke and making that one final demo that is going to get him discovered. Very strong writing and witty. SHELVED!
Just a few nit picky notes...
1. For this genre, I think the paragraphs are a tad long. Consider breaking them up into smaller chunks.
2. I like that your middle aged MC is a cynic but consider have him TELL us he's a cynic when in fact he is doing some really nice stuff to make him more likable. Have him do something noble early on just so we can identify with him more.
3. Watch the exclamation points.

Great opening line!