Meera

I read the prologue and enjoyed your descriptive manner of writing. It's as if I'm in the thick of the battle and see everything with my own eyes. Well done! I look forward to reading the continuation as the pitch prepares me for a lot of thrilling events to come.

Ivan Amberlake

I'm headed to Japan next week for the first to time, Fortunately Tokyo/Kyoto not Hirono. The writing is very polished and seasoned. I'm only 3 chpts in but I'm enjoying so far.

Bill Scott
Haktaw Heart

Hi Tom,

I'm here to look at your work, since you were kind enough to back me. I didn't realise you'd written so much stuff until I reached your profile. I've picked Meera as I'm quite interested in Japan, and would love to read a fantasy set there. :)

I always try to offer genuine and useful feedback, so please don't be offended by any suggestions. They won't be malicious. + you can ignore me completely if you think I'm wrong. :)

1 I'm not sure about the little introductory bits of narration at the start of each chapter. I'm sure you have your reasons for doing this, but I feel it jars with the meat of the story.

2 I think you slightly overuse adjectives. I'm sure it's because you're trying to be as descriptive as possible, but the effect is the story is slowed dramatically. eg I think the 1st sentence of your story would read better as something like "Fires blazed in the darkness all along the hillside, like stars fallen to Earth." the problem with too much description is that the reader switches off, especially if it's static. Things happening move the story forward. Verbs and nouns. Whenever we stop to descibe in such detail, the story comes to a shuddering halt

3 Adverbs. I think you sometimes use unnecessary adverbs. Again, I think this is because you're trying to describe things as well as possible. The problem with adverbs is they rarely do the job as well as the right verb. eg when you wrote "...spears clutched tightly..." we don't need "tightly" at all. "clutched" tells us all on its own the action is tight. I delete adverbs in any such case where the verb tells us what's going on on its own. I'd only use adverbs on the rare occasions where they actually add meaning.

4 Gerunds. I think occasionally, you've used gerunds in a way that implies a physically awkward movement. eg "turning sowly on the spot, Shijin headed back..." This implies Shijin is turning and heading back at the same time. I think "Shijin turned on the spot and headed back..." would work better.

5 In dialogue, I've noticed you introduce characters by dropping names into the speech early. I'd avoid that wherever possible. It feels like a device, and sounds unnatural in speech. I'd try and find a different way to bring in characters' names.

OK enough of my nitpicking. I did enjoy your story, especially the attack in the beginning. I think you plainly have the right instincts, and strive to really paint a picture with words. Some of your imagery was nice and evocative, and I liked the short, sharp chapters. However I do think cutting back on unneccesary adjectives and adverbs would make your writing more vivid and easy to read, allowing the reader to really get into the story.

I hope you manage to get somewhere with this. I think it just needs a bit of polishing and tidying up. From the looks of things, you write more than most of us, so I'm sure you will get your work published. :)

Best of luck,

Pete

You have crafted a most interesting storyline and I do like your use of the first person narrative voice. Your use of imagery is excellent and you character development of Takashi and Kamari is very well done. All of this coupled with your imaginative writing style ensures that your fantasy will appeal to the YA audience, Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

enjoyed your first chapter and recommended it to a friend who loves anything with wolves.

Dear T.J.H.
This book cover is really superb. you have crafted an excellent read her, it amazes me how one can create an alternate world so well that it seems real, and the characters so animated. I have not read it all but will carry on for sure...I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter

A literary masterpeice

backed

Wow - you have a gifted imagination and certainly the talent for putting it writing! Excellent - how is this not yet published as i believe young adults will devour this. Backed 100%

liz
The Cheech Room

I love the exotic setting and characters in your story. The writing serves it well, although "said croakily" could just be "croaked." Overall quite nicely done; happy to back this for you.
Please consider taking a look at my book, The Job.
Craig

Tom, your prologue and first chapter are well-written. Nothing to nitpick in those two sections.

Backed with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I like stories that take me away from my ordinary world and transport me to a new and different world so I enjoyed this story a lot. It not only takes a reader to Japan; it takes a reader to a fantasy world in Japan. You have good characters. Your writing style is clear and keeps this moving forward. Makes it a good read. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is a wonderful story. Your imagery is vivid, the action is nicely choreographed, and the dialogue is natural. You create a wonderful atmosphere of feudal Japan. I'm happy to back it.

Richard Bard
BRAINRUSH (2010 ABNA Quarter-Finalist)

Meera

What a great atmospheric start to a great story.
This is an immense story and I don’t know if it’s the subject matter or how it’s told (or both) but this had me hooked and engaged immediately.
I think you show great skill in creating such brilliant characters and narrative with the third person. As I said earlier this is a great story.

Tom, I enjoyed your prologue and first chapter. This is a well-written, smooth read. Don't forget your commas in direct address. For instance: "We must be nearly across by now (comma needed here) Mama."

Happy to back your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

This is a wonderful story, deftly told. Your prose is both accessible and profound, there are rich, vivid descriptions that make me think you are a writer to be taken very seriously. Your research is impeccable (I can only assume) and you have a fantastic story to tell. Happy to back this. Carl. The Time hunters

Your pitch is fascinating. You tell us of a story which is exciting and has a magical, enthralling setting. 'I remember the first battle as though I had been there myself,' says Takashi, and he tells us about the events of the battle in such an engrossing way that we feel as if we also were there ourselves. Meanwhile, Kamari and his parents struggle through the snow, while Takashi eagerly awaits his friend's return. This is a gripping book, full of vividly described settings and action; and your main characters, Kamari and Takashi, and later Meera, are well drawn, interesting people, easy to like and to relate to. Your style is clear and easy to read, and you retain a little more formality than normal to suit your genre, while not overdoing it. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

SHELVING you because Tim did. I can use your comments on my book when you can get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Hi,

I backed your book some time ago.
I wonder if you might have a look at mine
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

This is well written and is just right for YA readers. Your descriptions are very detailed and I like the natural narrative. I didn’t notice any nits. I will back your book with pleasure.

Tony
Life Bringer

Hey TJ,
Well first I like the stark graphic quality of your cover but that font choice must go! heh. Sorry I'm a dork font snob.
But beyond that ridiculousness, your pitches read like you have gaming experience and I can see from your bio...
I'm actually excited to read this largely to see if the "game" quality extends to the text. I suppose if I didn't read your bio this might also have a Kurosawa sound to it as well heh.
Yes, I really dig the whole atmosphere of this. Still can't shake the game visuals that are coming to mind and wonder how you see it when you write...if its like dressing landscape in games for you?
I might cut the beneath his breastplate description in that fourth paragraph into another sentence rather than fitting it all in one. I also recently read this article about prologues that might be of interest to you. http://pubrants.blogspot.com/
After reading the next two chapters, I'd be tempted to just have the prologue be your first chapter.
I think it has a certain flow that would work fine. Could just be me though and please forgive me as you obviously would know best.
Great luck to you with this.
-=Bradley

Hi TJH,

Why oh why is this dropping down the rankings? The only reason I could see was simply that you can’t have the time to promote it. And you have a great body of work here, a real back catalogue of strongly themed and engaging writing. Passionate, interesting stuff, so different from much of the other YA stuff on this site, original, inventive and exciting. I will back this and some of your other work as well to help turn those red arrows green, you deserve a wider audience for these books. Keep writing, you have a real talent there. Best wishes and if you have only 5 mins on Authonomy any help you can give me with my book would be gratefully received.

Good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary’s Loss)

The pitch for Meera is clear and attractive - it drew me in. The prologue read well, though a bit distant because of the third person style of narration and quite a lot of telling which was sometimes repetitious [he did not dress differently .... he continued to dress as they did ... this commanded the respect of his men]. Showing Shjin commanding respect by his actions would be much more powerful. Watch out too for qualifying words that seem incongruous and disrupt the flow [somewhat slight; not completely dissimilar]. C1 was shorter than the prologue and this seemed an odd structure. I skipped to C9, and here the narrative seemed to be flowing much better; first person immediacy,a dramatic fight scene, nice mix of narrative and dialogue. This has lots of promise and I'm happy to back it.

TJ
You have a great story here. Love the bloody battle scene at the opening, great action, well written. Then for the next couple of chapters the narrative paints beautiful pictures but where is the dialogue. You have a lot of indirect dialogue that needs to be converted to direct speak with quotes. it will make the story come alive. I looked ahead to chapt 19 and you have a lot of good dialogue there but it is jammed together in paragraphs. Break it apart and make sure to start a new parag. for each speaker. This is a super story and a fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

I can quite see how you've bought your talent for video design to bear on this project. Very visual.

Vivid descriptions, great sense of atmosphere and culture. Perhaps a little too 'detailed' for YA market? Maybe a bit more dialogue to break up this first chapter? Also think the long pitch needs some tightening and oomph. Knock out some of those unnecessary words like 'eventually' and 'then' - Shorten the sentences. The pitch and first chapter is what sells the book however beautifully written or intriguing it is. Get polishing and delete some of those adverbs/adjectives. Shelved.

Hello TJ,

You crafted a story that is rich in descriptions. True to life and insightful, the story has the hallmarks of an intriguing plot. It is fast-paced and smooth; the narrative is well developed and the setting conjures picturesque features.
Dialogue and narratives are engaging, the plot is good and the setting rich. I am glad I shelved it.

I love a stories set in Japan. Something about the culture draws me. I like the world you are building. Very detailed and well explained. Your characters operate within the settings instead of on top like so many stories. One of the most dreadful mistakes writers can make is to spend pages describing a world then toss a few characters on top like sprinkles on a cupcake. I can't tell you how many times I've come across two talking heads floating over a deliciously set scene who do not interact with their environment.

The one thing I would recommend is to avoid using the adverb laced speech tag, e.g. as in chapter nine where the guard says something "heatedly" and another says something "proudly." The words and the actions of the characters should convey that meaning. If they don't, the lines need to be rewritten.

Shelved. Keep up the good work.

Richard

As a video game designer, you must have great attention to detail, as can be seen in your prose, the vivid images you portray, the flesh and blood characters you create. Love the setting. I was born in Japan. Always interested in a story that concerns Japanese culture. WL.

Meera...

Now that I've read your partial, I'm more hooked than ever. This promises to be a great story and sooo interesting to learn about another culture in the context of intriguing characters and what seems to be a very good plot, too.

Other people have said that they were confused in places. That didn't happen to me, but I would pay attention to that feedback because you don't want to confuse any of your readers.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Meera...

I remember reading Shogun when it was so popular and wondering what all the fuss was about...until I got to page 221 (I remember it exactly) and it grabbed me. Yours, however, grabbed me right away, probably because of the overall quality of the writing.

Not that I don't have nits. Too many adverbs, for one (editors and agents dislike them.) They tend to prop up weak verbs, and/or don't add anything insightful. In some places your verbs were good enough to stand on their own without the adverbs (e.g., clutched tightly.)

As with all writers who have literary voices, sometimes you try to hard and the words aren't as apt as they might be (e.g., the fire swaying...someone else mentioned this, too.) Also, I think you can tighten: look for sentences where you say basically the same thing twice, and then pick the stronger of the two ways. You'll find them as you revise.

Reading on...

Tom, this is written with amazing imagery, you really bring across the era and the setting. I did wonder if the writing is a tad sophisticated for a YA reader, but then who am I to say? I enjoyed your writing style and your descriptions, it really drew me into the story. Happy to back and good luck

Tom,
This is very strong. Your narrative here is descriptive and interesting, and it seems to me that you know your Japanese history well—even though as you say in your pitch, this focuses on a fictional region.

It seems you've edited well here, too. I would say that, like all of us, you should continue to tighten: For instance in chapter two you write that Kamari's mother's "fingers felt like ice..." and just a few graphs later you say Kamari's eyelids "felt like lead weights...." A few too many "felt likes." But this is all minor stuff.

This is an excellent story and I'm backing.
Mark

Dear Tom,

On the long pitch: Suggest you breaking it up into digestible paragraphs (short, with white space between). Heaven forbid you not catch a reader's eye because of a simple formatting issue!

You have a good facility for environment and setting.
Ch 1, Kamari told him all about his journey. You might want to shorten the passive explanation. After the first sentence, "…my friend Kamari was in trouble." Cut to "I'll do my best to relay …"
Wonderful suspense with that chapter ending.
The narrative is strong; however, try to give us more immediate descriptions. The old show rather than tell. Mother's face had sympathy tinged with sorrow … are her eyes red? Does her bottom lip quiver?
Personally, I love short chapters! We get in and out, and though it's harder on the writer to create a page-turning ending every time, it's a delight for the reader. Good stuff, fascinating story. Shelved.

Tom
Great atmospheric writing.
The start is good, pulling the reader straight in. In the second para I thought "Innumerable" jarred. It's very weak. I was also unconvinced by the flames "swaying" in the wind.
Like the start, chapter endings are important to keep th ereader interested - especially the first one. Yours is pretty good. However, it ends weakly. The sun climbing higher in the morning sky says nothing. You could end chapter 1 at "...back into the fray."
This shows good promise and you have a distinctive narrative voice. Just some tightening up required I think. Go through with a red pen and be brutal with what you cut.
Shelved.
Chris (I Dare You)

I like your writing style. The action scenes are very vivid and well-depicted. It's clear you've also done your research. Some of your early chapters are rather short - I wasn't sure whether this was how it had been uploaded on Authonomy or was intentional. Personally I think unless youa re writing for young adults you can afford to make them longer.

Always enjoy Japanese myth and this is as well written as anything I've read in the category so consider yourself backed!

M&J

I never nit pick. I like or I don't like. This is brilliant stuff, It had me at once, I only stopped because, have to go to bed in a minute. But will head back here tomorrow. glad I have this on my shelf.

Hello, Tom. I found this a mite confusing. I'm not sure whose viewpoint the snippets at the beginning of the chapters were told from and in chapter 3/4 Kamari is told his parents are dead, yet in the previous chapter he writes that his father thinks they will be home soon. This may be sorted out later in the novel, if it is ignore me.
I also thought he had gone to another house after leaving the shrine. I didn't realise he had just gone for a walk. And as he was walking through the village he 'noticed' the preparations for the anniversay. Surely he would know of these, he's interested in the history and he lives there. Too much introspection as well, large lumps of description, these are much better fitted in around dialogue, which there is not a lot of here. Sorry to be so negative but I prefer a bit more white space in my reading materials. Not my cup of tea I'm afraid, Tom, but I wish you well with it.

Chris James.

Hi Tom,

Intriguing pitch. I was pulled in right away. The imagery is wonderful and the pace well done.

The characterization and dialogue felt natural. The only thing I would say is work on the punctuation.

The writing is tight and you’ve done a great job pulling me in. This is captivating and so far a wonderful read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Love your story. Great imagery, I can see the characters, detailed descriptions. Could you have a look at my Lunar and Sol blurb? I think it would make a great video game!!!
Adam (Lunar and Sol)

Thank you very much for the comments Bren, they made me very happy indeed! I'm still desperately trying to put your book on my shelf but it won't let me! I've got an empty space on my shelf that seems impossible to fill for some reason. Anyone else having this problem?

There is something already very good, even in the pitch, for this. It conjures up images of Manga and Fantasy, and I’m thinking, “It’s difficult to believe this hasn’t been done more often”. Or to my knowledge (and I admit, I’m no expert) at all. There are lots of fans of both genres, after all, and lots of points of crossover.

You write extremely well, that’s obvious from the outset. And I notice you favour my particular philosophy: keep commas to a minimum. “The shadowy figures standing some distance before them had their weapons raised high and were beating them against their helmeted heads to create their ominous build up to battle, their faces taut with pain.” Quite a lot of writers would have an extra three commas in that sentence. Well done for resisting the temptation. As a result, your writing isn’t just good, it also reads fairly effortlessly.

The prologue tells of the battle between the Kurai warriors, led by Shjin, and their opponents; chapter two of Kamari’s nearly fatal journey through the snow with his parents. Both are faultless. I couldn’t even find a typo (although I did look for one, just for pride’s sake: I always like to find at least one).

In short, this is brilliant work. It ought to go right to the top of the Fantasy chart, even though there are some very good Fantasy novels on here, if not to the Editor’s Desk. Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Hello Tom

I've gone through the first three chapters and do think this is really good - I know no more of feudal Japan than I've picked up from Shogun, so I found it convincingly atmospheric and different to the here and now. I thought the language was good for YA. Here are my notes, in case they're helpful for the editing process:

I like the start - though watch your tenses - with the reader plunged straight into the action of the battle. For me the structural issue is that it's followed by another chapter where the only trace of the narrator is the first paragraph. One chapter/prologue of distance was okay, but after that I wanted to get straight to know the person telling the story.

I also thought the pace dropped off suddenly after the battle. Which was (a) probably intentional and (b) probably a good idea.But I just wondered if there was a way to structure/edit the chapter ends to give them more of a hook/less of rounded ending.CH3 finishes with Takashi going off to prepare for the celebrations... no drama to keep me reading into CH4.

But overall, I thought it was a nice piece - atmospheric, evocative and original.

Cheers

SW

Thanks for the comments Kyronae, you've definitely got me thinking. In regards to your comment about the relevancy of Takashi's uncle's murder causing his insomnia, yes it is very important to the story but I understand what you mean. I think showing the reader as you say rather than just telling them would be a better approach so I will make this change as soon as I have time. Thanks again for the comments!

Tom,

This is an interesting premise and you have a good start. You begin with a bang, dropping the reader right into an action packed prologue, which is a nice touch. After that, the tone definitely feels young adult and the setting adds a lot of interest.

I have two critiques - one, if you're going to set this in Japan, be careful about making the culture believable. Right now this feels very American/European, which doesn't really fit an Asian setting. Two, I'd suggest tightening up your writing. There are lots of extra words (adverbs, weak adjectives, dragging sentences) and even a few places where you give us unnecessary information. While it is good to get background info on the characters, be careful that what you're telling us is both relevant and interesting. A good example of this would be where we learn about the narrator's insomnia. The comment that this is caused by watching the murder of the uncle feels very disconnected from the story. Either this is background info that we don't need to know at all, or it's relevant to the plot and you're going to bring it in later. If it's the former, cut it. There's no need for us to know this. If it's the latter, either give us more or cut it and move it to a point where you can dedicate more time to it. As it is, it just jolts the story and seems overly dramatic. If you do decide to keep it where it is, consider showing instead of telling. Show us the grisly images that flash in the narrator's mind as his eyes begin to droop, forcing him back to wakefulness. Show us his parents' veiled concern or understanding (I assume they know why he can't sleep?). Don't just tell us in a single sentence something that would obviously be very traumatic and life-altering.

Good luck with this! With some tweaking, I think you've got a great piece here.

Thank you very much for the kind words, they made my day! I haven't been getting many comments on my work recently but then I haven't been on Authonomy that much lately because I'm hard at work on a new game for Ubisoft.
I'm glad you enjoyed this redraft of Meera and I hope you enjoy it enough to want to read on to the next book Wolf Warriors.

Just when I thought I'd read all that was worth reading on Authonomy I come across this. I'm a massive fan of the Otori books and Japanese literature in general and right from the knock your socks off prologue this has got me hooked all the way. A savage joy!

Tom,

What an action packed prologue. You hook the reader immediately. The pace is nice, the characterization intriguing and the setting vivid.

I wasn't sure how the first paragraph in first person matches the rest, but I'm sure you'll make that clear as we go on.

You're on my bookshelf.

ML

New version of Meera just uploaded with the changes RobbG and some others suggested. I've trimmed down as many of the adjectievs and adverbs as I could bear to part with and I've restructured slightly so that the reader is more easily led through the changes in perspective. See what you think :)

I'm in my lunch hour. This looks it. On my watch list and I'll read more tonight.

Joanna

Hi TJ, thanks for the comments, I am currently working on a new draft of Meera which will hopefully lead the reader more easily into the first person narrative which is my chosen perspective throughout almost all of the book. I'm sorry to hear that it disappointed you, hopefully the new draft (when i eventually upload it) will solve whatever problems you had with it.
I'll try to take a look at your book someday soon but we have deadlines for this game looming and I don't have much free time :S