The Storyteller's tale.

I liked this, I thought Kelsa was a really great character. I liked her from the beginning. I'm not sure if you need the Prelude, but that is your choice, of course. It just didn't feel like it fit to me. The action and planning of the story felt right, nothing gaped and there were no info dumps. Nothing tripped me us as I read, but to be truthful I'm horrible at editing my own work, much less someone else's! But, the story is good, I got involved, wasn't confused and wanted to read on. Good luck with this!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

You are totally fantastic, Beth! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Beth, Well, here I am, reading on your 1st of 3 books. :) Wonderful story :) I'm intrigued by your damsel in distress & your vampire-hunter the she hires. :) When I read your pitch, I immediately thought, "maybe they'll be married & live happily ever after. :) Your crisp dialogue & paragraphs moved me right through your story, not to mention your wonderful storyline. :) I've backed all 3 of your books :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

This has lots of potential as an engaging story but there is a need for a tight self edit to iron out some of the errors in grammar and punctuation. Occasionally the sentence structure seems a little clumsy eg "That really made the make up later on be oh so tasty...". It sometimes helps to read passages aloud and try to listen to yourself as if you were hearing it for the first time (taping yourself is even better because you can listen as if it was the radio). Pretend it's not your book, does it all hang together? Hope this helps.
Backed for its potential
Robert Davidson
THE TUZLA RUN

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 9 hours later :)

Seems a bit hesitant until the story-telling begins and then it really comes alive. Lots of potential here. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Beth,

Had this book on my shelf for a while and finally had a chance to read it. There is great potential for success here. I found it engaging and was pulled in right away.

There are a few awkward sentences that stop the smooth flow but it didn’t stop me from reading on.

E.g. in Chap 4.

Koranad looked at FoxFire, then to Rowain, as much as she wanted to question her mare about the vampire lord that they were after – This felt very awkward and needs rephrasing.

The paragraphs are a little too thick at times. I think you have a good premise. The writing is great, it just needs a little tightening.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

where is the rest of the book at? It is very good and interesting.

This has been on my list for some time and I haven't gotten to read it well yet until now.

I think you've got a good thing here, and I can really feel your passion as a story teller. I do think you'd be really helped here in brushing up and tightening your editing/grammar, as it does hamper and bog you down a bit. But I can see you've got a real flair for gripping narrative and a real love of words and stories. Best of luck with it!

Hi Beth

I think this has potential, and I'm looking forward to reading more. I agree with the comments below and am sure that with a little editing your narrative would become tighter and have more pace.

I wonder if you have read this aloud to yourself? Sometimes that can be a help in identifying words you repeat, and grammar that is out of line. It's also particularly useful to read your dialogue aloud to hear how it flows.

An example of what I mean is, 'He glanced down at his robotic mount, who went galloping down the cobbled road. "Come on Storm, let's get serious here!" '

I don't know when the word robotic was coined, but it sounds out of place in this setting. It also conjures up the image of a horse plodding along, not galloping. The words that follow seem far too modern to be coming from the mouth of the Storyteller.

Another phrase - he kicked himself in the butt - interrupted the flow. He must be some kind of acrobat to be able to do that! 'He kicked himself' is sufficient on its own to convey what you mean.

Please take these points in the spirit in which they are intended - to help you tighten up a very intriguing story.

I'll put this on my watchlist and come back to read some more.

Best wishes
Amery

This has the makings of a very good book, but as is it's too wordy. Most of your sentences are too long. Some of them can be split into two or more smaller sentences, and others can be removed completely. It seems to me like this manuscript could be about 30% smaller and have an even greater impact. Hunt around for multi-line sentences and unnecessary modifiers and make some changes.

I'll support this for now, and I hope to see those changes come soon. :)

Hi Beth

This is very good! I do think you could do with some tightening, but the overall read flows and has glimmers of intrigue. This applies particularly to chapter 2.

Chapter 1: maybe replace 'hotel' with 'inn' - there is an old feel to your tale and 'hotel' sounds too modern.
'Damn,' he repeated - we didn't hear him say it before.
'greetings farmer' - comma: greetings, farmer

Other than that I think you have a story to tell! And thus on my shelf for a while.

Elaina

PS: maybe ask for reciprocal reads, make friends, in order to get comments, crits and support...I am no expert, but would love to see this climb!
Good luck!

It is a very good and interesting book. I think I"ll put it on my bookshelf.