The Baer Boys

The Baer Boys has a thread of humour running through it that I wasn't expecting but thoroughly enjoyed. You have some lovely phrases, too, my favourite being Dorin's 'multidirectionally wiry eyebrows'. An easy read with good narrative pace and a polish that says I can't teach you anything about writing - so I'll just back it.

The self-deprecating style is going to bring out the sympathy, or even empathy, in your readers. In no time at all, I was smiling, nodding and loving it.

I've bought your book 'Boomerang', given it to my husband and hey - he's smiling already. Different genre from his usual choice but you have won him over.

Lovely. Just a smooth, funny ride that I am enjoying a lot. Now that I have found out about Daviot's mysteriously erased files, it's that much more engaging ... I had been mowing along just fine before that, mind you--I LOVED the Becky story ('The Mouse that Roared'--! yay.) It's gentle and wise. I just like it, is all. If I could I would curl up on the sofa with this all afternoon.

I'll look forward to reading the rest in due course. I'm very happy to back this, and to recommend it. All the best--Maria.

The theme of this novel would never loss its relevance, because it is telling an evolution of a man. Firstly he comes out from the education without completion. Second is his retrospection as an actor. Third is willingness to face sufferings. This is a rare combination and successfully combined these three in a good illustration.

Best wishes,

Joy J. Kaimaparamban
The Wildfire

Have read the first two chapters after browsing the site and found this quite interesting. Moves quickly and the writing is clean.

Love this, the nanoseconds looking at freckled knees, Neil Simon's 'Twelfth night, there's plenty to laugh at. Natalie Willoughby seems a sweet thing, but it's Darin we love. A failed actor who looks much less attractive than he sounds is very attractive. I shan't even mention dialogue, it would be an insult. Backed. Lynn

Hi Alan, These are well-conveyed scenes and Darin’s interview with the principal was especially involving. He’s modest yet his opportunity there would seem perfect. He’s also beginning to have his entertainment quirks which gives the writing lightness. Shakespeare with high school kids sounds pretty challenging! I liked this home-based plot and Darin's appealing character. Happy to shelve – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Alan
I'm delighted to have discovered this, only had time to read 3 chapters right now but will be back to finish. Love the dry tone, great characters and dialogue that actually reads like people talking to each other. Backed with pleasure.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

"Mr. Kazan."
Very nice.
Backed earlier today. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Very, very entertaining. where is Robin williams when you need him? Only thing, did you mean to put Shakesspeare?

Dear Alan, I love how you wound your story all together. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch & prologue - "to be or not to be" was really great. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book to help it advance - this will help yours & mine move up on the charts. :) Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every "backing" you do moves your book & the other person's book closer to the top. :)

As a lecturer/teacher myself, I wasn't sure how to take is, especially with the last line of the prologue. And I am delighted to say I loved it. very funny, very poignant and very well crafted, this is a beautifully written tale. darin is a very accessible lead and led me through your narrative nicely. BTW, the line in question made me think of the added line to that famous comment - 'those that do, do...those that can't do teach, those that can't teach, teach teachers...' Now that I can get.
carl
The Time Hunters

Hi Alan, I found this a really enjoyable and well written read. I laughed aloud several times and smiled inwardly several others. Darin is such a likable character with a great way of putting things. A lovely and amusing hook at the end of chapter one.
Backed with best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I love this book! Your opening is superb and hits right at the heart strings! Many will identify with this story and it's one that readers will gobble up I can see this one going places.

backed with pleasure

The prologue has some good dialogue. I felt it could be strengthed by making a few minor adjustments. Maybe, "I shaded my eyes against the light." (We know it's harsh--that's why he shaded his eyes). The line where the narrator is explaining why he did it is distracting.

Chapter 1 (2 on the site)
When the narrator describes himself, that's where I start to enjoy the writing the most. A lot of description takes up the beginning of the chapter, but not much is happening...and I'm waiting for something to happen. There seems to be a slow release of Baer's background and character, which is what I'm assuming is the point of Chapter 1, but I am craving something more than a long build-up to Principal Natalie offering him the job.

WHen the story is rolling along, it's fine. I get distracted with the great amount of side thoughts Baer has every time something happens, as if he feels the need for asides in the play he's acting out.

The writing is fine, but I would recommend some exercises where you experiment with stripping the dialogue away from the exposition, and then seeing what you can cut without damaging what you're trying to get across in each paragraph. Take the less is more approach, and see if the chapters don't come out stronger and more poignant and captivating.

Thanks to some very perceptive criticisms on this site (thank you Authonomites!) I am, at present, in the process of a major rewrite and don't have time for individualized comments.
If you are reading this it means I have read the first couple of chapters of your book and think it is worthy of my support. My training is in the visual arts so I can't really help with the 'nuts & bolts' but if you would like to know what I really liked about your work, just send me a message and as soon as I can I will get back to you.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read of your book.

Backed Jan 23.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

The Baer Boys has a thread of humour running through it that I wasn't expecting but thoroughly enjoyed. You have some lovely phrases, too, my favourite being Dorin's 'multidirectionally wiry eyebrows'. An easy read with good narrative pace and a polish that says I can't teach you anything about writing - so I'll just back it.

FUNNY STUFF!!!!
I love funny.
The interesting part is that I have this friend who for the last 15 years has been trying to become an actress, going so far as to go to school in NY and everything. And guess what...yeah she isn't an actress. This sort of reminded me of her but Darin is funny and she is not. Nor has she realized she will never be an actress.
Ahem.
Back to the point. You have an endearing and wry witty read here.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

You have great characterisation here...
i really liked the little i read of The Baer Boys, but read enough to know i would read a lot more.

Fantastic, backed, and Merry Christams.

BACKED

If you could locate my Book, Dream Diamond, NOW, and, if after a quick read your find it worthy, could you BACK it, without commentary if nescessary?

Alan, The Baer Boys is witty, intelligent, humorous, and super entertaining. Darin is the kind of guy I'd like to BS with while belting down a few brews. Cannot understand why it isn't ranked much higher. Best of luck. Backed. Thomas J. Winton (Beyond Nostalgia)

The Baer Boys

Hi Alan,

This has a lovely gentle lilt to it. We immediately identify with the failed actor, his humility is infectious and you do dialogue very well indeed. An ordinary guy in an ordinary situation made very interesting by the attention to detail and realism of your prose style. This is no-nonsense writing, not pretty writing, but writing that tells our main character's story gently and with good grace. There is a wonderful confidence to your sentences and a natural beat to your dialogue that brings the characters to life quickly and effortlessly - the amount of work, read out loud edits and careful thought required to do this is impressive. A very enjoyable read, I would be very interested in your views on Sanctuary's Loss my book.

Best wishes and good luck

Andrew W.(Sanctuary's Loss)

I'm backing because your layed back writing style is what I like to read. It's as simple as that. Also, the prologue and first chapter do a great job of setting up the story. I'll be back. G. Einstein's Road Trip

Hi Alan!

Chapter one certain sets the stage (pardon the pun!) for an interesting novel. Your writing is smooth, easy to read, and the premise to this book is more than compelling. I'm shelving now, and will return to enjoy more in a bit!

Kim
Invisible Justice

I enjoyed reading this delightfully funny story. My intention was to read 3 or 4 chapters but I became entranced.
Well done. I certainly back this story. All the Best. Edward

Backed

Hi Alan..look, some of the things people do in life are so reprehensible that they have to be sanitised with titles: "Book Reviewer" is one of these. But I'm enjoying "The Baer Boys" so much that I just have to give a review. (I'm sorry.)

Darien Baer returns to his old school only to find himself miscast yet again by life - this time as temporary permanent drama coach and prodigal to the aging Baer Senior. "The Loved Ones" meets "The Big Sleep"!

The humor is wry and intelligent, with so much to entertain that, if anything, the book could easily cope with a little more editing of the less- than- totally uproarious moments.

The self-deprecating style is going to bring out the sympathy, or even empathy, in your readers. In no time at all, I was smiling, nodding and loving it.

I've bought your book 'Boomerang', given it to my husband and hey - he's smiling already. Different genre from his usual choice but you have won him over.

Sadly I had to leave after chapter 2. I prefer to smile when reading books. and this is a joy. have to come back and get to No 8.

What's up here? No comments for an age and the book is going south. It is a good story line and the characters are beginning to emerge from the text. So far so good. I know when I put my book up first time the criticisms knocked me sideways, but you have to get them in perspective and there is merit in a number of them. There are people on this site who have studied the subject and they know their trade. What they do not know is you and your intentions. there is a tendency to standardise whit is unattractive. If everything read the same where would we be. I like scripts that re-throw the dice. Shake things up a little. Make you think and take the reader out of their comfort zone so I may not be the best person to comment but I will because I think this has merit.
The actual dialogue if good but the text that wraps around is is wordy. It needs slimming down. You need to say more with less. That is the art of the writer. Long descriptive passages lose a reader or bore them into submission. What we consider very clever is invariably tiresome to some who wants to be entertained.
I am going to shelve this because I think it's worth encouraging and we all need a little bit of that from time to time.
Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom)

I have read your first four chapters and I love the humour and the sympathy you evoke for your major character. Your capacity for original imagery is extraordinary. From Nathalie, the beautiful principal, to Coach Skinner and the other side characters, you made all of them believable and true to life. The writing is also smooth and the plot resonates well. Most people fall back after failing in a venture, in the hope of rising again.
With some tightening and polish, Baer Boys is a page-turner.
All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN )

Hi Alan - as promised, a return read for you. Good stuff, this. Subtle humour weaved into some snappy prose. I had a few other random thoughts, listed below:

- "tha[t] Hugh Grant": need an 'n' instead of the 't';
- "multidirectionally wiry" love it;
- "Johnn[y] Walker": needs to be 'Johnnie Walker';
- "numbnuts": a tragically under-used word;
- "inch[-]wide" / "ear[-]flapping": need the hyphens.

All lovely things, Alan. I shall give you a moment on the shelf, one Bonfig. fan to another. Best of luck with getting that second gold star - sestius

Hi Alan: Here are my notes. I like your intro. I could feel the heat from the stage lights. You might say Two hours and five beers later I made the decision to go back to college.

I'd give this line it's own paragraph, to emphasize the punchline. All I'm saying is it wasn't a fingertip on the belly sort of a voice.

I don't think you need to point out that the principal was the voice. The reader already knows that. But if you have any doubts, I would announce it immediately. Like: "I can't seem to get anything but the classical station," said The Voice.

I think he would tear his gaze from her knees before he answered her. You might also see if you like cutting the 'It registered that maybe she had said something' sentence altogether.

I would cut here: Well I did just move back to town, to 'I moved back to town just before the semester started.' But now I see it's part of his flirtation.

I skipped ahead to see what you're doing up in chapter 11 and see you are repeating information you've already pointed out in the first chapter. You might be careful not to repeat any information the reader is well aware of. Some inner revelation before he gets to the principal's office would endear the reader to the mc and help females get through his knee ogling and flirtatious dialogue. Maybe tell a tale of a girlfriend he had in elementary school who had a grating voice, but was the prettiest thing you'd ever want to see flying past you on the swings. She could jump farther, outrun him, and punch harder than any girl he knew. Gosh he missed her when her folks moved to Utah. He still thought of her now, wondered if she was drawing figure eights on some scrawny fellow's belly. That belly could have been his. Just make him vulnerable and likeable before he's staring at the lady's knees and boobs.

Love the Twelfth Night angle. Shelved. I think you might enjoy American Clique.

Hi Alan. You have an engaging narrative which became highly effective in chapter 2. Great with establishing importance for Darin to have a paycheck. Fantastic sexual tension during dialogue between the principal and Darin, with her having a motive different from his. Great twist to introduce his nemesis as soon as he left the pricipal's office. Great characterization with family interactions. Your humor completes the pciture. "the new permanent substitute teacher," bouncing on seat to get the Civic to start, dad snoring through favorite song. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Alan, this is a bit of a lark. Easy reading, funny and well-written. Shelved.

I like this. The main character is utterly likable. His voice is great and I love the sort of grown-up high school aspect of him being a nervous theater geek intimidated by the popular girl (principal) and the jerky jock!

I've got a few nitpicks on what I've read, I'm afraid. I find the jump from the theater straight to the high school a bit confusing. One minute he's talking about going to back to college, the next he's in a high school, and he's aged several years. Maybe there needs to be something that indicates the time jump.

I really like some of the images you draw -- the voice being like a finely manicured nail, and the correlation between a nice voice and not-so-good looks. Some other lines weren't as successful, like "giddy financial waters." I know it sounds a bit silly, but waters can't be giddy -- it's one of those little annoyances that seem inconsequential but can be distracting when you've got a lot of otherwise great lines.

On my shelf for further inspection!

Lovely. Just a smooth, funny ride that I am enjoying a lot. Now that I have found out about Daviot's mysteriously erased files, it's that much more engaging ... I had been mowing along just fine before that, mind you--I LOVED the Becky story ('The Mouse that Roared'--! yay.) It's gentle and wise. I just like it, is all. If I could I would curl up on the sofa with this all afternoon.

I'll look forward to reading the rest in due course. I'm very happy to back this, and to recommend it. All the best--Maria.

As a former actor myself this really hit the spot with me. And, I reckon you've got a prologue here that even the anti prologue brigade that prowl around Authonomy would have trouble not loving. Ace stuff!

Dear Alan,


I have read your pitch, synopsis, prologue, first chapter and have placed The Baer Boys on my bookshelf. Rather than critiquing I'll try to provide something more useful.

Over the past four months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume. Also, four in ten writers whom I critique, resent me suggesting any kind of rewrite and punish me by not reciprocating the swap-read.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by showing you how to judge it for yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is very important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for a rewrite. So I am rewriting.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….

Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage. This was the reason my manuscript was thrown back at me.

Write minimal words because our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. Always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and helps a little.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

Hello Alan,
I enjoyed reading this - it's well written and I found it easy to get along with. Your MC has a great voice, very believable, he's well drawn. Your descriptions are vivid and draw the reader into the story. I have no nit-picks and hope this does well. On my revolving book shelf!
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Adelaide if you can ;-))

Hi Alan
Nice, easy read. Ideal for the beach or total relaxation. Like another contributor I can see a visual side to this, have you thought of a script. Will watchlist.
Well done,
Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom)

Hi Alan.
Apologies for taking so long to read this, but I'm just loving it.
Anything to do with dance/drama/theatre interests me and I love your natural and very readable style.
Darin is such a sympathetic character, and straight away I cared what happened to him.
Your prologue is great. Short, sweet, and enough to let us know Darin's background and personality.
I was in the Principal's room for chapter one, and dancing down the corridor with him. Excellent!
I could see this as a film - and I mean it in a good way!
Best of luck with Baer Boys. I'm going to read on, but this is going on my shelf straight away.
Alison

Hi Alan,

Graduated from my watch list to my shelf.

Joanna

Hello Alan,
Back and reading Baer Boys as promised.
Was the Hamlet misquoted on purpose? I guess it was, to show us that acting was a bad career choice. But it made me stumble. I'm assuming it was supposed to, and it made me laugh.

The prologue was tightly written but I found Chapter One more rambling, although I enjoyed it nonetheless. I liked 'I tried to look worth studying' and 'one in four chance'. and 'not fair'.

Being an ex sub teacher, I was fascinated, and also being female (last time I looked) made me read with interest. I loved the affect the Principal was having on Darin. The stream-of-consciousness style worked for me, but felt loose. As I got to the end of chapter one I was under the impression that this is a first draft. Am I right?

But you've set the scene, drawn Darin well, given me backstory and introduced interesting new characters. Not sure of your 'quest' or 'raison d'etre' yet, but I was very entertained. Good job.

I don't think I've been of any use to you at all, and I apologise. Good luck with it, and I shall read more when I have time.

Nicky

Alan, Read the first three chs here.
And I don't have much critical to say. It was such an easy read - the light humour - 'will to live intact...inclination to lobby congress....a great day.' / ' competing with a not very skillfully played baritone Sax..'
The dialogue, partuicularly between Darin and his father is excellent, I can here and see them talking. Liked the touch of the car that his dad won't drive and won't let him either, / the pathos of his dad not being able to cope without his wife came across strongly and I hope that Darin being home may change that.
The one reservation I had was in relation to his reaction to the principal. I guess it will appeal more to a male readership, but for me it was a little stereotypical.
I wasn't sure from the blurb if you wanted it to be deeper, if so, the start doesn't indicate that, but if light and humourous is your aim, then this will hit the spot.
On my WL for now.
Margaret
Ps I'd value comment on Munro's Choice, though I appreciate it may not be your 'thing' but hey....

Hello Alan,

Perfect prologue. This is very amusing and I know it will go a long way. It certainly deserves to be published. Darin's voice is strong and his personality is loveable. I can't find anything to crit!

Best wishes and break a leg! This is a cert for my shelf as soon as I make room. On my watchlist till then.

Joanna

Going for your second Harper Collins review with this one? Let me get you started with your first bookshelf!
Ruth

Swampcat,

Thanks so much. I cannot think of any higher compliment than "It made me laugh". I don't have a lot to offer in the depth, drama or heartpounding excitement departments, but if the laughter part works every once in a while it is very gratifying.

Glad to accept your friend invitation.

Fascinating avatar!

Alan

This is good. It made me laugh too. I will put it on my bookshelf.

Nice opening, tight. In Ch 2 the para about Grant and charm slightly too long for my taste - I thought the words were good in themselves but in the wrong place, maybe later, cos here I'm expecting plot to kick in. Could just be me though, anyway, good luck with it,

Freddie

Thanks for checking it out. This began as an attempt at a murder mystery with continuing series aspirations and rather against my will has morphed into a character driven novel. So if you're looking for Plot with a capital P this ain't the place to look. Hell, I'm not sure at this time exactly where Darin is going to end up, but I don't feel so bad because he has no idea either. Too many decisions still to make, for both of us.

Alan

Nice opening, tight. In Ch 2 the para about Grant and charm slightly too long for my taste - I thought the words were good in themselves but in the wrong place, maybe later, cos here I'm expecting plot to kick in. Could just be me though, anyway, good luck with it,

Freddie

Good to be back, although I have sworn I will not be doing the networking thing. Just putting the work out and seeing if there are any readers for it.

Alan

Alan, great to see The Baer Boys back :o)

You are one of the writers on Authonomy who makes me laugh out loud, and that's a rare gift for an author to have.