Sanctuary's Loss

I just finished reading the first six chapters of your book, and I would definitely keep going if I didn't have to run errands. This is probably one of the best stories I've read on this site so far. Your description and characterization is wonderful and I can imagine that fans of Harry Potter or the Spiderwick Chronicles would enjoy this story immensely. It definitely deserves to be on the Ed's desk.

Dear Andrew,

What a delight to me that you started with a baby dragon, even though no others show up later. I have read the whole 18 chapters and think this book will do very well with its targeted audience.

I haven't thought about what hearing other people's thoughts might do to me, but you make it very clear that it is a very mixed blessing, especially if you can't use your budding powers.

And from that springboard you create a fine list of characters, each with a defined personality and likely set of actions. To that you add the tension and suspense that Freddy knows a lot about Gareth that has not been told yet, and some of it is very scary indeed.

I really liked the thoughts and emotions that Gareth had when he finally heard Freddy's story -- or part of it, anyway. You seem to be getting the teen's fear and betrayal very clearly. This is an especially good scene.

When the fest first came from Gareth's forehead, I found it repulsive. Couldn't you use his hands? But I got used to it.

The scene in the garage where Gareth finds his digix (I was trying to figure out how to pronounce "digix") and sees the manifestations of his parents with their capability of answering some of his questions and being able to touch him -- it was very moving. Another excellent scene.

You are good at the action as well. The chase of Gareth by the darkness/enemy in Lasky's mind was sudden and frightening. How could such an untrained talent as Gareth handle such a foe? But you made it work.

You have left many things in flux or hanging for the rest of the book. If you keep up this tension and strange adventure with the people acting in their realistic way, Hammond doing his version of hero-worship and Toni doing her wailing about her father, you will have a commercially viable book that is exciting to read as well.

On the strength of your writing in the 18 chapters you have on the site so far, I am backing this book. Good luck with it!

Ancient Reader

Andrew,

Wow. At the moment I'm having a hard time coming up with anything more constructive than that. I started this with the intention of only reading the first chapter or two, but here I am at the end of chapter six and only stopping because unfortunately the real work is reminding me I have a schedule to keep. This is, so far, nothing short of fantastic. It has the same feel of the Harry Potter or Percy Jackson books, and yet it also transcends into a world all its own (which is an extreme compliment from me as I am a devout Potter-head.) Which is probably why the nod to Harry Potter in this chapter put an enormous grin on my face.

Anyway, the writing in this is crisp and clean, not overly flowery and yet still able to give off beautiful imagery. The story pushes on with both emphasis on the developing plot and the growth of characters, which makes it appealing on both sides of the fence. Your characters in themselves are wonderfully drafted and highly realistic, (or as realistic as a boy who summons things out of his dreams can be, of course) and I found myself falling in love with them almost instantly.

What a way to take a classic tale of the boy thrust into a world of magic, and make it all your own. I am highly impressed and I hope this finds a publisher soon because I'd like to put a copy on my shelves. For now I'll have to suffice with Backing this on a virtual bookshelf. Looking forward to coming back and reading more later.

-Artemis
(The King's Traitor Series)

What a great opening line:

“Gareth knew before he opened his eyes there was a dragon on his bed.”

And I love the concept of pride in the dragon’s appearance—and then coupled with his eating preferences:

“He was particularly proud of its neatly folded wings, secured to the body by thick horns of bone sticking up on either side of the spine. The dragon’s muscles rippled in all the right places as it moved around the bed trying to snap up every last chunk of the Jaffa Cake.”

This is a well written and interesting tale. Who wouldn’t want to be able to imagine magic like this:

“He pictured the texture and colour he wanted it to be and then a pulse, starting at one end, travelled its length, leaving in its wake a plaited twist of very ordinary-looking rope. As one end reached the lowest branch he imagined it knotting itself in place.He did this sometimes when he was sure he was alone. He mustn’t use his powers, he knew that…but sometimes it became impossible to keep this promise.”

And we know who Gareth is cocking an eye at:

““Expelliarmus,” said the image of Harry Potter that was floating above his bed. “

But this is no Harry Potter clone. Gareth (and Freddy etc) is quite a character creation in his own right. I can see that an illustrator would have great joy recreating some of the incidents in this lively book. And at the risk of being the only person on the planet who thinks the Potter books are not well written, this one certainly is.

“Her hands were shaking as she pushed her finger into the indent. But she didn’t make any sound as she was pricked, only wincing quietly, as she gave Gareth another angry glare. Her eyes said: I’m holding you responsible if anything happens to my Mum, Dad and brother. He didn’t have the stomach to face her thoughts, but that didn’t stop a swarm of them reaching for him across the room. Broken phrases and sharp words pushed at him before he could redirect his attention.”

There is an art in this kind of story telling that is not an easy one to master but a master the author certainly is. Backed.

Note for the Interested.

Since the crit from HC I've re-edited the story to move it to the lower end of YA, away from children's. It has gotten close with a couple of publishers, just hoping with fingers cross for one to bite now.

Dear Andrew
This is just to let you know that I have used an extract from your worthwhile comments on "Tortolona" on the back cover of my now CreateSpace published book. It gives your name as author of "Sanctuary's Loss" - hopefully some useful free publicity for your book. "Tortolona" is now availavle through Amazon.com at $US 14.

Good luck for the future with your writing.

Dear Andrew

I came to this site too late to be included in your climb but oh what a read. I will not say more as all have already been said. congrats

Denise
The Letter

Dear Andrew, Congrats on getting to the editor's desk. :) Hope you've gotten your book published. :) I just backed your other book & saw this one when I looked at your profile page, so will back it, too. :) Your pitch prepared me for my read of Gareth & his powers. Your tight dialogue & paragraphs provided a smooth read & your fantasy was enchanting. :) Will go to your other book, now. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. Could you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :)

It is no wonder this made out as well as it did! Is it buyable yet? Perfect book for young adults and edgy writing carries the reader along effortlessly! Great characterizations as well. I am putting it on my shelf even thoughyou certainly don't need th evote - just wanted to let you kno wIlovethi sbook and congrats!

Liz
The Cheech Room

I really enjoyed this & would love to read the rest of it so lets hopw the Ed has the sense to take it on so I can! lol
I know it doesn't make any difference to you now but backed anyway. Excellent & I wish you the very best of luck with it. :-)

Your backed. And you win my "Great First Sentence" trophy. You're backed, shelved, and probably going to be bestseller someday!

Good Luck, great Job, Share your gift.

I only hope to learn to write as well as this. Wonderful creativity, description and writing. And perfect opening line. Bravo!

John Wickey
Future's End

The writing starts with a great hook! There is a lot of creativity in the reading; in the first chapter, you managed to make seeing a dragon in your room seem so natural...and it was astonishing to see how normal this was although the world described is different. This will do well! Up to backing with pleasure.
- Gesulla

Dear Andrew,
Loved the dinosaur from the beginning and hope there will be lots of adventures of mishiefs caused by him later on. The writing style and characterization can't be bettered.
Backed. Good luck and best wishes,
M (Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year)

There's a reason this is so high up on the rankings......great writing. The start hook me in straight away Andrew. This could possibly be my attraction to Dragons, but what a great sentence to start!

Just one little nit pick note that in Chapter 5 the following sentence read a little awkward for me, maybe it just needs some punctuation to break it up. "A young woman got out of the other car.............clearing in her heels." I know some people say comma's need to be minimise, which is true, but it this case I think one needs to be in there. As I say, it's only a small nitpick.

Good luck and all the best of sucess with you!

Tim H

hey awesome story, i loved it, im so glued into fantasy/thrillers, plus u hve great imagination to write something like this. awesome work. goodluck.

Hi Andrew,
I read your story and wholeheartedly am backing it.
The initial description of the dragon on Gareth’s bed was very visual, “selling” the believability of a dragon to me instantly. With dragons I think as a reader you are fed all sorts of subliminal memories from films like Eragon and Dragonheart and what I liked about this was that the dragon is described almost like a nature programme, where nature rarely makes mistakes and every part of the animal has a job to do. That is what sold me the dragon, which was key to that first part of the story.

With this kind of children’s/YA book you really need to be in Gareth’s shoes, inside his head, and every thought feeling and emotion should come from him, and you’ve managed that perfectly. Spot on in fact! This deserves to be published and it deserves more people to read it.
You’re always going to get Harry Potter comparisons, it’s inevitable, but whereas it might have been a conscious or subconscious influence that gave the idea life, it really doesn’t matter. An idea alone can’t sell a book, you need a good story and a great voice, which you have got. So all the very best of luck with this I hope it does really well for you. I would most definitely buy a copy!!!!!
Regards
Darren Craske

Hey Andrew,

Your writing style is outstanding, and I think it is at a level suitable for children of all ages. As others have said, I really enjoyed the baby dragon and its role in the story.

Backed!

John Pearson
Learn Me Good

Andrew - So sorry I didn't read this sooner, both because you asked me to but also because I was missing out. My pathetic excuse is that I was frantically trying to finish my own MS and get it on here.

Anyway...

You've already been picked for the Ed's Desk so it's not like you need anything I have to ramble on about, but I am sure you would appreciate a few moments of random flattery.

This is really good - it's well-written and not patronising. It grips straight away (great start - the dragon on the bed) and very original. It reminds me of JK Rowling in its accessibility for both young and old readers. Sometimes I pass over the really good ones to my wife to have a look at (she's notoriously hard to please) and she really liked it too.

Might get you to sign a copy when it's published...

All the best.

S.

Real, with elements of fantasy, and all of it well told. Good work. Nicely done.

I'm really intrigued by your story and have enjoyed is so far. Great stuff.

Hi Andrew,

Just wanted to say how much I enjoyed the first 60 page of your novel and how it kept me engaged and as they say ‘I I did not want to put it down’ as Gareth 'hits the ground running': it is difficult to say what it seems like as although it has obviously got the universal theme of the protagonist who as a child has to fend for themselves ‘without parents’ it doesn’t veer into what I feel is Harry Potteresque smugness: ‘I am special so I must be immune syndrome’ (more the representation in the films than book, I should add). It also constantly feels as though it is rooted in an everyday 12 year old's concerns and issues.


I especially liked the idea of the central consciousness having acute empathy capabilities and yet allows the reader to share what happens to Gareth and conveys that ambiguity of feeling when you don’t know if you are in control of events or it is someone else who is controlling you. So it has a solid grain of impressive psychological realism alongside the distinctive Celtic fantasy with a Stonehenge primeval ‘otherworld’ outlook.


I also liked the way the ‘chase’ is locked onto early in the story and how this is maintained with great imagination and drive, having firmly set out the terms of the 'magic', the fest and the alternating worlds.


As I have only read up to about page 60 so far this is only a feeble attempt to acknowledge that you have written something very impressive with oceans of energy and excitement. I am sure it will turn into a very gripping and skilful yarn, even a cracking good film by the feel of it….certainly very cinematically rich in the action sequences. I am intrigued, at this point, as to how and whether we will enter into the other world of the parents and how it will all turn out in either earth or the other world.

I know my 12 year daughter will certainly enjoy this...best of luck with the book...I am no longer a teenager but I have been teaching them for 30 years....Julian Bowker

I find Harry Potter pretty boring but this was anything but. Well done in making it to the desk. There's real potential in this book, well written, engaging, and a great hook.

Hi there. I managed to fit in reading the first chapter tonight. Sorry not to have gone on. I enjoyed what I read and am happy to back on the strength of ch 1. Good luck.
hilary Waters

Andrew: What a good plot and wonderful writing skills. You certainly captured my interest and attention. Right from the start, I was intrigued and absolutely love your careful choice of words and the flow of this story. Good luck and I will continue to read your book…I love young adult books, especially the Harry Potter series. You have a great imagination.

Congrats on making ED. May I have one last throw into this, but very very good! I liked the story very much!

Gilbert

What a wonderful story. I love all the different animals that show up. I especially love the way you describe the baby dragon. It was so hard to see it go.

Hi Andrew,

Well done!

James Walker

Andrew -

Thank you so much for your support of our book!

My co-author described your book to me the other day: we're both impressed. Your words are like someone drawing a moving scene right before the reader's eyes! I am sure young readers will devour this book and want to see it in a movie.

I just read the first two chapters and will be reading more (time is always the challenge!). You have our support!!

Everybody else has such great usernames...I feel so ashamed. I could so easily have been Greek or something witty. I'm sorry. I say burn no, back the book.

Just finished chapter seven. I think you may have one more "But I can't. I'm not allowed," than necessary, but then I'm considerably older than your target audience, which is definitely a mitigating factor. The start of action when your young hero manifests a bubble between Hammond and his attacker cofused me for a moment. At first I thought you had dissapeared the bad guy like you did the wolf. On reread, I don't understand my first impression at all, though. Other than that I found the writing direct, the action immediate and continuous, and I am inclined to keep reading, which of course I will.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Great job, Andrew! Way to hit the #1 spot in the last few minutes. I am looking forward to buying this book when it is published!

HJ
The Pearl Edda

A.-very FESTive(lol, oh God ,sometimes i'm tooo much) backed with a clear conscience. good luck, bro....Greg Ryan - UNDERCOVER MESSIAH

Love the media res beginning. What a fun read.

You do have a way with words...it is backed...

A very enjoyable read. An improvement I think would be that each time you introduce a new character, to spend a little more time describing their connections to your other characters. Having the fest/liquid come out of your characters' foreheads is a little graphic for my imagination. Imagining a fog coming from their forehead that transforms into a liquid might be a possible solution. (Think: Harry Potter 6, the movie.)

The plot moves at a nice pace and there is certainly enough intrigue to make me want to keep reading. The dynamics between your characters are well balanced and believable. I am backing this and putting it on my bookshelf.

Aha...James Patteson sized chapters....actually all the editors in NYC are going for the scene as chapter these days. It works for readers in a big way. That aside, I am wondering at your choice of fonts here....not easy on the eyes at all. I suggest 12 pt New Times Roman. Most editors prefer this. If it is already set at this and just did not translate well to my computer....pay no attention to my rant. Old eyes. Now as to content for the opening: Utterly intriguing, gets your throat on the first line, gets you into dialogue with the dragon right off, and all starts in the middle of an action sequence despite having character in bed! Language and word choice is clear and concise, all well done. Just my preference and maybe an "Across the Pond" thing but I am of the old school when it comes to comma usage but am finding areas in the books here on Authononmy that I would be shvoing more commas into as with your line - While it was distracted, sixth par from bottom. A couple also around the conjunctions. But all in all, a fantastic opening. You capture the Boy's imagination and life. I would use his full name on first introduction, and I might add a time and place line as preface to the schen so we have some feel for this as in -- Nottinghamshire Province, 1523 or is it 2010? Just sayin'

As I read this story I find that I flows well and there are no hang ups in the structure. I think that you will do well in your indevor. good luck

Patrick Meservier
(A Christmas Tale)

orginal idea, with lots of incident smoothly linked together, flows well. Good luck with it.

I've enjoyed what I've read of this very much indeed - never mind the target audience, I feel your writing could draw people of all ages into the story.
The only thing that puzzles me slightly (and I am clutching at straws here!) is that Gareth seems very much younger in the first chapter than in the others, but I suppose that could be just because he's on his own at the start and with a group in the next two.
Good luck on the ED!
Sheila

Spent the afternoon reading the first eighteen chapter. I didn't intend too! I thought I'd just have a quick look at the first few to get a rough idea what the book was about but got hooked! Shame the remaining chapters are not uploaded. I know you are on the ed's desk but I'm still backing it.

Paul
(Open Wide Please!)

This is a thoroughly enjoyable read and it creates an interesting world. Planning to read more at a later date.

Andrew,

You have a definite winner here! The story is well written and intriguing, I was hooked from Chapter 1! Happily backed.

MK Ethridge
Contentment

Sorry this had slipped off my radar before. It's a great read! I love how Gareth's talents frighten him, but at the same time help him. The dragon may freak him out, but seems nice enough as he eats crumbly chocolate biscuits. It's terrible that Gareth has to listen to the guilt conscience of the bus driver, but then he saves the mother and child by again using his talents to get the driver to turn the bus. This mix of good and bad coming with the magical abilities make it seem more real. I enjoyed the read, thanks! Backed.

Wow. This is such a well written story. The characters are beautifully drawn, your writing is descriptive and the tale hooks you from the start. Great :)) Backed

I have read the first four chapters and have enjoyed them tremendously. It is a very quick read - easy to fall into. I like the way the reader is pulled into the internal conflict Gareth is having with his own abilities. It is very believable the way he reacts to these situations and also how his special talent affects his own ability to listen to a conversation which is directed at him. I look forward to continuing through the rest of the chapters and then will pass on my son to read. I think he will enjoy it quite a bit. Backed without hesitation.

Thanks!
Stephanie
(Painfully Ordinary)

I don’t read YA at all unless I’m critting, Andrew, so bear that in mind please. Gareth’s powers are certainly intriguing, and the descriptions you provide of what he sees and feels via his powers from those around him are my favorite part of the story. They are often very inventive.

I read the first four chapters and think the scenes are nicely structured individually, yet I don’t have a sense by the end of chapter four as to where the story is headed. I know from reading the synopsis where it is headed but I’d recommend hinting right away as to the direction. A novel needs a “through-line” from beginning to end. To open a novel with episodes that are only tangentially linked to the main story isn’t normally the way to go.

One bit of line editing for you: I do like the concept of the opening scene quite a bit, but found the opening paragraphs a tad confusing. How did he know there was a dragon on his bed unless you at least describe Gareth feeling the claws and teeth? (You mention them but don’t make the character FEEL them.) Just hearing the snuffling noise is not enough methinks. I also found it unbelievable that when Gareth opens his eyes he glances at his clock and looks out the window—instead of at the frigging dragon! This is a suspension of disbelief I can’t manage myself. I think there ought to be a new fiction rule in fact: “When you have a dragon in your scene, go straight to the dragon.” Plenty of time to paint the backdrop in, bit by bit. (When you finally do get to the creature though you do a swell job with it.)

Hope you’ve found something useful in my comments, Andrew, and best of luck with HC!

Andrew,

Just finished chapter 18. For a minute while Gareth was going to stay at Tori's house I thought that it was getting boring. But I was wrong, and I love it when that happens.

I noticed a few small typos but they're not really worth mentioning.

I was a bit confused when Gareth was trying to dig the box out of the garage. Was it in the closet under the pavement? or under dirt? How did he get it out with all the stuff in there. Did he move it with his fest? It was in the closet under the concrete under the stuff... wasn't it?

All in all, I think it has some potential, although, there wasn't a lot of closure at the end. If this is going to be the end of the first book you might think about an additional chapter that wraps things up a bit more.

Well done! And may the thorf be with you!

I am sorry i thought i did back this book like a month ago. I liked it, but i guess the last month was pretty busy for me to forget.
well if i did not then i will now.

Hi Andrew, from my limited experience with this genre, your use of tension is marvelous, especially the double edged of here and historic/fantasy (bus driver bully and esp boy).
The dream creatures are well described, and the characters in general are clearly identifiable.
As mentioned, I've been connected to the site for only minutes, so am pleased to put you on my shelf. Good luck with winning your competion and getting published, m

Agh, sorry. Thanks for your comment. I started reading this, and I could have sworn I commented, but I guess I didn't then.

Anyway, I do really, really like your writing style, and I see a LOT of potential for this. As others have said, yes, your characterization is excellent. I especially love that bus driver in chapter two-- pretty hilarious, in an odd way, actually. Your descriptions of other people's thoughts are great, as well. You get into Gareth's head well, and you clearly understand his character very well.

Unfortunately, I don't have the time or energy right now (at 12:02 AM) to finish reading the whole thing, but hopefully I can continue tomorrow. Keep up the writing, and have a happy New Year!

-Rebecca

PS: Sorry the reply took so long. I could have sworn I commented before, too... =/

I think your work has a lot of promise. I can see people of various ages and tastes getting behind the tale you are spinning and I hope you find the platform you deserve. Nice work, Andrew!

j