Devil's Brew

Hey JD. Nice read. Some of the sentences are very long making them hard to keep up with. Would be better if they were shortened. Several would make two, even three seperate sentences.

Otherwise good job. Will add it to my shelf.

Nick
Invasion From Within

Great story telling, with vivid descriptions and an easily visualized world. I like Morag, a main character as human as the rest of us. Her limited social skills make her more real. You have an excellent hook at the end of the first chapter. A corspse and a room going black are enough to make anyone read on. Very well written. Backed.

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Wild and a wonderful read. Fantastic.

BACKED

Before I started reading I was glad I knew Heather was a cat otherwise it wouldn't have made any sense. The descriptions were vivid and the stiory held my interest from the first word. Backed.

Carol

Katherine

I see I'm going to have to do some editing at the start of my story, since I seem to be confusing some people. Heather is a cat whose owners have moved house. She goes back to the old house and runs out in a panic when some mayhem erupts there. The cat gets injured and is taken to the animal shelter where Morag works, and that's where the story really starts.

Jim H

Hi J D, The outset was a strange description of the intrusion and the woman’s escape from her own home. It intrigued so I’m wondering if it has to do with Morag or the woman she’s seen inside the house she visited. Morag is a quirky character while her feelings about the animal shelter show her sensitivity and careful behavior. Her discovery of the crime will likely bother her a great deal, you’ve shown already. An interesting perspective, considering that a murderer wouldn’t expect a witness like her. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Harold

Thanks for your backing. 'Icon' has been added to the pile on my watchlist and I'll comment on it when I can get round to it. North Korea, nukes and terrorists - can't be bad, can it?

Jim H

HI J.D., An interesting read. I like the Ms, Marple characterization. Backed Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

HI J.D., An interesting read. I like the Ms, Marple characterization. Backed Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

Hi J D, The outset was a strange description of the intrusion and the woman’s escape from her own home. It intrigued so I’m wondering if it has to do with Morag or the woman she’s seen inside the house she visited. Morag is a quirky character while her feelings about the animal shelter show her sensitivity and careful behavior. Her discovery of the crime will likely bother her a great deal, you’ve shown already. An interesting perspective, considering that a murderer wouldn’t expect a witness like her. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Thanks for the very helpful comments.

My first draft of the prologue did have more detail that would have made it obvious the cat was going back to its old home, but it was just too much so I cut it down to what you see on the site. I probably got into the mindset that I know what's happening and so everyone else must know as well.

I take your point about the overdone work history etc and I think I'll try to introduce that sort of background detail in smaller bites as the story develops. Maybe I should also visit some trekkie sites to find out what they really talk to each other about. I have to confess to having been a bit lazy when it comes to research.

Well written with an interesting storyline. I guessed it was a cat in the prologue quite early, although that didn't matter. I assume the chip led her to the hopuse the cat had just been to, not the new house it had been moved to. Not entirely clear. And the woman in the chair is the woman the cat saw being chased? Some small physical description (the colour of a gate, a blossoming rose bush or whatever) that is mentioned in both sections would make it clearer I think.

Some of the writing veered into over-explaining, the description of her work history and views sort of went on a bit. It was well written and easy to read, just after a while I got the idea but there seemed to be a surplus of words.

The conversation with Vijay about star Trek felt a bit stilted. A bit too much exposition that they were already aware of so no need to go over it except for the reader's benefit, and just a fairly obvious Trekkie discussion. Something a little more esoteric maybe?

I think she is an interseting character and the light off bit was well handled. Mother seems a rocking chair short of a Psycho movie, but the general tone is enagaging. Backed.

Well written with an interesting storyline. I guessed it was a cat in the prologue quite early, although that didn't matter. I assume the chip led her to the hopuse the cat had just been to, not the new house it had been moved to. Not entirely clear. And the woman in the chair is the woman the cat saw being chased? Some small physical description (the colour of a gate, a blossoming rose bush or whatever) that is mentioned in both sections would make it clearer I think.

Some of the writing veered into over-explaining, the description of her work history and views sort of went on a bit. It was well written and easy to read, just after a while I got the idea but there seemed to be a surplus of words.

The conversation with Vijay about star Trek felt a bit stilted. A bit too much exposition that they were already aware of so no need to go over it except for the reader's benefit, and just a fairly obvious Trekkie discussion. Something a little more esoteric maybe?

I think she is an interseting character and the light off bit was well handled. Mother seems a rocking chair short of a Psycho movie, but the general tone is enagaging. Backed.

Thanks Stewart

Yours were some of the most helpful comments I've received so far.

Jim H

I would get rid of references to 'this was no dream' etc since the reader has grasped this already. Your writing is quite polished but don't overuse metaphor and adjectives eg Paragraph 1...I'd like to read more of this later
Good luck
Stewart

I would get rid of references to 'this was no dream' etc since the reader has grasped this already. Your writing is quite polished but don't overuse metaphor and adjectives eg Paragraph 1...I'd like to read more of this later
Good luck
Stewart

This is engaging right from the beginning. It's a unique story, and I especially like the introverted MC. The pitch drew me in at once, and the story does not disappoint. The short chapters are also much appreciated!

Shelved with pleasure.

Amy
Love Match

Great opening gets the readers attention straight away!
I very much like how through backfill you start the character build in Morag. You have some great phrases you introduce, things like ‘prisoner of her own restricted personality’ add so much to the storyline.
I very much appreciate the perspective you put into this, like the dream job (always thought toyshops are hell for children, I’ve never been in one where there hasn’t been at least one child crying or upset). Think you have a great story developing. – Good luck!

Marianne

I've added 'Saint Paddy and The Sundial' to the pile I've still to look at on my watchlist. When I can get round to it I'll read some of it and give you some comments. Your pitch is certainly intriguing.

Jim H

Very enjoyable project. Best of luck. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Denise

Thanks for your very supportive comments and your backing. I've added 'The Letter' to the pile on my watchlist. I will read some of it when I can and let you have my comments. I always hope to be able to respond favourably to people who give me encouragement and back my work but I can never guarantee it.

Jim H

Dear J D I started reading this book when you first put it up. And I felt sure I had commented. The book cover is just wonderful, I mean superb. The short and long pitch promised me agood read and it really was. Well crafted and though this is not my genre I feel so happy that I crossed over and found your book. Sometimes we may not like a book particularly but we can find the talent and skill it took by the author. Your book had this and more, it had that extra ,and that is an exciting thriller that I did not want to put down, but also had me sitting on the edge.
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you can cross over to my genre and review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Very enjoyable project. Best of luck. Backed. Marianne (Saint Paddy and the Sundial)

Dear J D I started reading this book when you first put it up. And I felt sure I had commented. The book cover is just wonderful, I mean superb. The short and long pitch promised me agood read and it really was. Well crafted and though this is not my genre I feel so happy that I crossed over and found your book. Sometimes we may not like a book particularly but we can find the talent and skill it took by the author. Your book had this and more, it had that extra ,and that is an exciting thriller that I did not want to put down, but also had me sitting on the edge.
BACKED for sure by me
I do hope you can cross over to my genre and review my book, please comment ( this assists me in honing my skill) and if you feel, back it.
Thanks and BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR BOOK
Denise
The Letter

Jocelyn

Thanks for your backing. 'A Bore No More' is now on my watchlist, along with a pile of others. I'll read it when I can and get back to you.

Jim H

Backed with pleasure! Jocelyn E. Morris (A Bore No More)

Susie

Thanks for your very encouraging comments. I've placed 'He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not' on my watchlist along with a pile of other books. I'll read some of it when I get round to it and get back to you.

Jim H

Su

Thanks for your encouraging comments. 'Seasons' is now on my watchlist with a pile of other books. I'll read some of it when I get a chance and get back to you.

Jim H

lt is perfectly clear that you have taken great care, with this book. lt is nice flowing story, good characters and good use of dialogue. l will back, after a time on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Dear J D, I love the intrigue of what will happen to Marog - a lot of suspense - great story! :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

I think you've done an excellent job of impressing your own style upon an over-crowded genre. It works like a charm, and I was pulled into Morag's story from the start.

Excellent work.
Abi xxx

I enjoyed revisiting this story and can see you've done a pile of editing. Sure you'll be told about the 'show, don't tell' precept, but this is, as someone mentioned, a cosy read. The style of writing suits the story.

I do hope you find out how it's going to end, because I certainly want to know. I shelved it previously so am not certain if this one will show up, but good luck with it.

Great character Morag we love the
reluctant hero. Well written and enjoyable book
Shelved with best wishes
mikegilli The Free

Backed with pleasure! Jocelyn E. Morris (A Bore No More)

Love the fact that you don't know how it will end either. Perhaps that's why it seems so spontaneous. Morag is a wonderful creation and I can see her solving many mysteries in the future. I'm sure she'll solve this one for both you and us and that it'll be very satisfactory. Backed. Lynn

Very gripping opening. You give a sense of something being wrong from early on. The end as far as what happened is a bit confusing (as it should be because you are writing close 3rd) Confusing might not be the right word--but basically Heather doesn't really know exactly what happened and neither does the reader, which leaves us wanting to read on to find out what happened and if heather will be captured by the person pursuing her. Backed.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

You know I think Morag reich could be a very popular literary heroine. Although you mention Miss Marple, it didn't feel like Christie at all, it's far more contemporary, more believable and more accessible for your target readership. Your prose is fluid but could do with a slight edit to iron out very minor mistakes. 'And to visit Spud with some dog treats'. The AND doesn't work within the sentence. That aside, I thought this was very good.
Carl
The Time Hunters

The mention of Miss Marple in your pitch was enough to make me determined to read this book, and I'm very glad that I did. This is a fresh, beautifully written and exciting story. The opening scene, with Heather having what seems to have been a rather upsetting dream, and then, as she wakes up, finding that she has, indeed, been attacked, is highly original, gripping, and a great hook into the rest of the book. You then introduce us to Morag, a very likable, individual girl, and we quickly feel that we know her well. The mystery of the cat being named Heather, too, draws us further in. Morag's care for animals, which makes her reluctant to develop affection for the ones in the Shelter who will probably be put down after three months, is a warm and attractive feature of her personality. Morag's discovery of what seems to be a dead body moves your plot on dramatically, and you leave us wondering whether she'll report it or not. Vijay is another interesting character, and the fact that both are Trekkies is an interesting thread to the book. Your writing is clear and very readable, your characters are well drawn and believable, and your plot promises exciting developments. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

You certainly know how to carry a hook over to the next chapter. I got to the end before I knew it. Tells me this is a comfotable writing style with fluid prose. My sister had a scottish doll called Morag. It wore some kind of dark blue velvet outfit and tartan of course. I like the little details which make your characters rounded and 3D. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown

DEVIL'S BREW:

Jim,

An intriguing premise and a plot that promises a wealth of ups and downs and surprises.

Strong main character, and good build up of tension. Good nail-biting endings to chapters,

You've done a good job here, so good luck with your edits and completing the novel. It shows great promise.

Backed, with pleasure, and wishing you all the best with your writing career. Enthusiasm, which you have in loads, always wins through in the end. So go for it.

Sheila Mary Taylor (Pinpoint)

J D, The premise is strong; the pace is steady and characterizations compelling. Iliked the plot and the writing is good. You have a flair for building tension that explodes off the page--creating action that propels the story forward.
Great storytelling
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

JD: the short pitch should not have a reference to another character that someone may not know. Distill the essence of the novel in the short pitch. The long pitch I liked better. Think you can end it with a question and it will be sublime. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is a good story. Like you, I'm anxious to find out how this ends as well. You have a good character in Morag; she's unique in that she's a Trekkie; it's easy to understand why she gets involved in trying to solve this murder. I'm adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Hey, why isn't this great read being read. Love the prologue from the cat's POV even up to it's accident. Then we move onto the fact that Morag worked in an animal shelter and is the sensitive sort that now doesn't want to get attached to the animals because of their heart-breaking euthanasia policy. I'd be the same, I'm an animal lover and would've loved to have worked for the RSPCA but the thought of any animal being put down would be hard for me to swallow. Anyway then we move on to Morag chasing down the cat's owner only to discover... don't want to give the game away here!!

As for the writing, it worked for me, held my interest well and flowed nicely. The premise is original and appears very good. Did manage to find one nit though, I make it a mission to find at least one!! LOl


Resting (on) the left wing of the chair...

Very happy to shelve your fine book.

Melxx

Hi Jim
Have just shelved this. Comments below that I made as I read through:
Love the premise!
Found your first sentence a little long to grip me. You may want to tighten this up. Love the idea that Heather’s a cat though!
Love Morag’s character, although I did wonder how someone so socially inept would become an office manager, which would involve dealing with people?
Really like the interplay between Morag and Vijay.
EXCELLENT cliff-hanger ending in Chapter 10.

Sheila

Michael

Thanks for your supportive comments. I'm always quite surprised at how well my story, what there is of it, has been received.

In response to some comments from Margaret and others I've been making some changes, which I'll upload when I'm reasonably happy with them. One change is to reduce the prologue to an opening paragraph in Chapter 1, which will simply reveal that someone called Heather, running from something bad in a house, is hit by a car and left paralysed. I think too many reviewers seem to have picked up on Heather being a cat early on.

My main problem just now is the lack of a plot outline. I've recently tried putting one together but I'm not happy with the results so far. Maybe I should have gone down your route, building a story on historical events, but I was too lazy to do the research.

I found your comments on the dialect quite helpful. Until I started this I hadn't realised how hellish difficult it is to render satisfactorily in print something that flows quite smoothly and naturally through my head. That's one of the things I'll need to take another look at but I don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

Jim

Hi Jim. Just read the prologue and first three chapters. A good set-up, confidently played out. I like the twist at the end of the prologue. Morag is a likeable central character and the story flows smoothly throughout, keeping our attention right the way along. The prose is generally good, with just the occasional clumsy sentence (the opening is a little awkward, I felt, and later on, in the penultimate paragraph of the prologue, I was somewhat confused about whether the woman who begins running is actually Heather or somebody else - before it has been revealed that Heather isn't a woman at all). The dialogue is fluent and realistic, although the transcription of the dialect in Chapter Three is a little off-putting (dialect words like "wouldnae" are fine but pronounciation like "look outa mae bedroom windae" is just distracting). Overall, though, this is an impressive start. You have an intriguing premise and a straight-foward accessible writing style. I shall add it to my book shelf. All the best, Michael

Margaret

Thanks for your feedback, which I found very helpful.

On the strength of what you and other reviewers have said about the prologue I intend to drop it, although I might condense it into an opening paragraph in Chapter 1 that simply reveals that a character called Heather, fleeing some mayhem in the house is injured by a car, then leave that hanging and open the next paragraph pretty much as Chapter 1 starts now, with Morag at the animal shelter. Do you think that would work?

Your comments on info-dumping are well taken. It's the very thing I criticised Aleck Loker for in his 'Grave Mistakes' and I'll certainly review what I've written so far with a view to eliminating it. In particular, your suggestion about introducing Morag's Trekkie persona at a Star Trek event has got me thinking. I think I might have Vijay coming round to watch a new Star Trek dvd in her room before they go out for driving practice, while her mother fumes quietly about "that paki". That would help me to develop Eleanor's character too.

Interestingly I had originally envisaged Morag as clerical cannon fodder, just like the other two women in the office, but then I thought it would be better to show that, despite her lack of social skills, she is an intelligent person who has passed exams and developed useful work skills. I think the fact that she has a supervisory role she can't cope with adds some pathos.

After writing the first nine chapters I'm just now writing a plot outline, which I appreciate isn't doing things in the right order.

Jim

Hi Jim, as promised took sone time out from my editing of Munro to have a read here.
First of all You have done a good job of depicting Morag - and a reluctant protagonist is (imo) an effective device.
Her social inadequacies come across clearly - though perhaps there is a little too much info-dumping / backstory in places. I think you do a great job when you use details - her jokes falling flat / not knowing how long to wait before ringing a bell for the second time / deciding not to bother to try to be fashionable as she is bound to fail - to show the difficulties she has, so more of drip feeding us them rather than telling us things would (imo) strengthen this further.
I like the idea of her being only at home in the Trekkie context - adds an interesting and different angle to her character. With this in mind I'd tentatively suggest that the intro of Vijay might be more effective at a Trekkie event - would save you telling us she's a Trekkie. - No reason why you couldn't still have the police visit - while she's getting a lift / driving practice on the way home??
The sound of her feet on the gravel / darkness combination is great for creating atmosphere - I imagine most people will have experienced that (I certainly have) and therefore will immediately lock into the sensations you're trying to convey.
And the mystery element is a good hook - especially as she waits for so long to report to the police - bound to cause problems.
Like the idea that we as readers are going to be able to see into the villains' perspective also - and are therefore going to know more than Morag.
I did have some plot / structure issues - though as that's what HC criticised me for maybe I'm not the best person to give opinion on this, but for what its worth -
I'm not convinced that Morag would have made Office Manager - and in any case does it add anything to the plot? More convincing to me would be a 39 year old clerical assistant who hadn't either moved up or on because of her lack of social skills and ability / drive to get another or better job. She could still be uncomfortable with her workmates.
- And the Prologue - two problems for me - 1. Gives 'Heather' importance when really she is just the catalyst that takes Morag to the house; and 2. I wasn't comfortable with her personification at the start - although I twigged almost immediately that she was an animal (and then the picture clicked 'cat') it was off-putting (I'm going to be really honest here and say that it kind of made me think 'amateur' writer.) Not the impression you want, when there is good stuff in here. I'd suggest starting the story with Morag / the need for someone to inform the owner and then trickle feed the earlier info re Morag's character via details of her actions.
I hope I haven't sounded unduly negative, I don't intened to, becuase as I said at the beginning there's lots to commend here. I am interested to know how it will end.
Keep going and good luck,
M.

Hi Jim, as promised took sone time out from my editing of Munro to have a read here.
First of all You have done a good job of depicting Morag - and a reluctant protagonist is (imo) an effective device.
Her social inadequacies come across clearly - though perhaps there is a little too much info-dumping / backstory in places. I think you do a great job when you use details - her jokes falling flat / not knowing how long to wait before ringing a bell for the second time / deciding not to bother to try to be fashionable as she is bound to fail - to show the difficulties she has, so more of drip feeding us them rather than telling us things would (imo) strengthen this further.
I like the idea of her being only at home in the Trekkie context - adds an interesting and different angle to her character. With this in mind I'd tentatively suggest that the intro of Vijay might be more effective at a Trekkie event - would save you telling us she's a Trekkie. - No reason why you couldn't still have the police visit - while she's getting a lift / driving practice on the way home??
The sound of her feet on the gravel / darkness combination is great for creating atmosphere - I imagine most people will have experienced that (I certainly have) and therefore will immediately lock into the sensations you're trying to convey.
And the mystery element is a good hook - especially as she waits for so long to report to the police - bound to cause problems.
Like the idea that we as readers are going to be able to see into the villains' perspective also - and are therefore going to know more than Morag.
I did have some plot / structure issues - though as that's what HC criticised me for maybe I'm not the best person to give opinion on this, but for what its worth -
I'm not convinced that Morag would have made Office Manager - and in any case does it add anything to the plot? More convincing to me would be a 39 year old clerical assistant who hadn't either moved up or on because of her lack of social skills and ability / drive to get another or better job. She could still be uncomfortable with her workmates.
- And the Prologue - two problems for me - 1. Gives 'Heather' importance when really she is just the catalyst that takes Morag to the house; and 2. I wasn't comfortable with her personification at the start - although I twigged almost immediately that she was an animal (and then the picture clicked 'cat') it was off-putting (I'm going to be really honest here and say that it kind of made me think 'amateur' writer.) Not the impression you want, when there is good stuff in here. I'd suggest starting the story with Morag / the need for someone to inform the owner and then trickle feed the earlier info re Morag's character via details of her actions.
I hope I haven't sounded unduly negative, I don't intened to, becuase as I said at the beginning there's lots to commend here. I am interested to know how it will end.
Keep going and good luck,
M.

Murray

Thanks for the feed-back. Yours is the third positive response I've had, which makes me think I must be doing something right. I am of course aware of what I'm not doing right, which is plotting the novel and profiling the characters. Things just come into my head and I write them down and then edit endlessly.

I was interested in what you had to say about the 'New Novelist' software. Some time ago I heard a discussion on the radio about writing software and it appeared it can either be a literary 'Painting by Numbers' set or a kind of organiser designed to help the aspiring novelist to do it right. I certainly wouldn't want to have anything to do with the first of these but, from what you've told me and what I can see on their website, 'New Novelist' falls into the second category. I see it's a lot cheaper on Amazon and I think I'll get it.

You're not the first to cast doubt on the need for that prologue and I'll have another think about that. I wanted to lead into the story with the cat and had imagined something like the opening scene of a film. I suppose I could shorten it and bring it into Chapter 1.

Jim
From the 3 chapters I read, I'd say this is pretty well written. You characterisation is good (Morag in particular). I also liked Heather in the prologue. I've read a few shorts where the character turns out to be a cat, so wasn't surprised. However as a prologue to a thriller it didn't really work for me. Now if you ever write a children's detective story where the cat is the detective, you'd be on to something.
Back to the story. I'm intrigued that you don't know how it ends. I wrote quite a bit that was never satisfactory in my earlier years. It was only when I discovered New Novelist (software) that it changed the way I wrote. I used the tutorials to teach me the fundamentals and my biggest lesson was on structure. I had Jin in my head but coldn't write it - couldn't tell the story in the right order. After reading NN, I planned out my story (chapter by chapter - this was a real pain for me!). It didn't work at first but I decided eventually to go with what I had. When I had finished I re-read it and wasn't happy. I moved chapters around and wrote additional ones, introducing three new characters. When I had finihsed the 3rd edit it felt good. I went back to the original NN 'plan' and found I had inadvertantly ended up with their suggested structure.
On my 2nd book, I used the structure straight off and quickly had my ending. In fact I worked backwards to get there. I've heard other thriller writers do this. Make the picture then break it up into a jigsaw - dropping the clues in at the appropriate points.
I hope this helps you. As said, the 3 chapters I read were tightly written and shows good promise.
On my shelf.
Murray
The Jin Deception

Jim
From the 3 chapters I read, I'd say this is pretty well written. You characterisation is good (Morag in particular). I also liked Heather in the prologue. I've read a few shorts where the character turns out to be a cat, so wasn't surprised. However as a prologue to a thriller it didn't really work for me. Now if you ever write a children's detective story where the cat is the detective, you'd be on to something.
Back to the story. I'm intrigued that you don't know how it ends. I wrote quite a bit that was never satisfactory in my earlier years. It was only when I discovered New Novelist (software) that it changed the way I wrote. I used the tutorials to teach me the fundamentals and my biggest lesson was on structure. I had Jin in my head but coldn't write it - couldn't tell the story in the right order. After reading NN, I planned out my story (chapter by chapter - this was a real pain for me!). It didn't work at first but I decided eventually to go with what I had. When I had finished I re-read it and wasn't happy. I moved chapters around and wrote additional ones, introducing three new characters. When I had finihsed the 3rd edit it felt good. I went back to the original NN 'plan' and found I had inadvertantly ended up with their suggested structure.
On my 2nd book, I used the structure straight off and quickly had my ending. In fact I worked backwards to get there. I've heard other thriller writers do this. Make the picture then break it up into a jigsaw - dropping the clues in at the appropriate points.
I hope this helps you. As said, the 3 chapters I read were tightly written and shows good promise.
On my shelf.
Murray
The Jin Deception

Ariom

Thanks for your supportive comments. I have to confess though that I'm not well enough up on writer's shorthand to understand 'ST element', although I'm sure if it's explained to me I'll be embarrased by how obvious it is. I will continue with the story. Ideas are still popping into my head from time to time and I've just got to figure out how to string them together.

I had a quick look at your 'Beaufort Solution', which is an intriguing concept. I think some familiarity with the actual history, if there is such a thing, would be useful to provide a comparison between reality as it is understood and your 'what if? scenario, just as (I think) widespread familiarity with the real history of World War II has helped to make various 'Britain under the nazis' plots work.

hi Jim,
I read about 7 chapters and enjoyed it. I've also glanced at what Jack had to say. Hope you get some more readers soon. The dialect was okay - some readers on here really need to accept a bit more of a challenge sometimes I think. I was attracted first by the ST element, but found it a very easy read and I'll come back and read the rest later. Please do complete it. You'll be wanting to go through and make edits along the way, but it's developing nicely. If you want to reply to this comment you should go send me a message, okay. btw, I do not ask for a reciprocal read.
Regards,

hi Jim,
I read about 7 chapters and enjoyed it. I've also glanced at what Jack had to say. Hope you get some more readers soon. The dialect was okay - some readers on here really need to accept a bit more of a challenge sometimes I think. I was attracted first by the ST element, but found it a very easy read and I'll come back and read the rest later. Please do complete it. You'll be wanting to go through and make edits along the way, but it's developing nicely. If you want to reply to this comment you should go send me a message, okay. btw, I do not ask for a reciprocal read.
Regards,

Thanks for that critique Jack.

This is the first time I've ever had a go at writing a book and I had no idea how it was going to go down. Your comments are therefore very encouraging, leading me to believe that I might not be wasting my time after all.

Is it a cosy mystery or a hard-boiled crime triller? I'm not sure where it fits - the idea is to describe what passes for normal life for Morag, as it is progressively disturbed and altered by what she's seen and the developing consequences of that. I don't think I really want to label the story just now because that would inevitably limit my options for its further development. Maybe I'll have a think about this again when I'm further into it.

I appreciate that the dialect thing will be challenging for some readers, which is why I limited that speech to one character (in the real world Sheena would sound much the same). I certainly have no intention of toning it down to make it more universally accessible. Those, like yourself, who are attuned to it should enjoy it, while the others should be able to pick up enough from the context to get a rough idea of what's going on. I should also confess that I've now decided to introduce another Glesga-speaking character - Janice's Uncle Kenny, a semi-retired gangster.

I started with the intention of organising the story in short chapters, each finishing with a cliff-hanger. However I find that's easier said than done. Your comments will encourage me to revisit the existing chapters to see if I can tighten them up a bit.

Thanks for keeping me right about the mis-placed capitals (I was sure there was a capital 'P' in Police) and whose/who's. I used to have the same problem with 'its' and 'it's' till somebody sorted me out.

I'll have a look at the Prologue again. I still want the cat to kick off the story but maybe it does go on a bit, and I'll take on board your comment about active/passive voice.

Hi Jim,

I'm enjoying this. I'm at the end of ch4 and normally I'd stop reading there and give my impressions. I'll certainly give my opinions, but I'll read on a bit more tomorrow. Here are the notes I've made so far -

The premise is good, intrigue, mystery etc.

It feels like it might be settling into a cosy mystery as opposed to a hardboiled crime thriller - if that's what you intend, great. It does start to stiffen up (a bit like Danny) later on, but you might want to adjust to make it clear to the reader at the outset what your intentions are.

Very nice attention to the details - painting nail varnish on; how long to wait before knocking again; Seven of Nine with a Glesga accent - brilliant.

Speaking of which, the dialogue's pure dead brilliant, so it is :-) I've been slated (you'll probably get it, too) for using strong dialect. But if Ben Elton can do it in 'High Society', I think we probably can get away with it, too.

Suspense at the end of Ch1 - I've seen it done much worse in published work; but at the end of ch 2 you don't repeat the skill and the chapter just dies a death. Hook me in at the start of the chapter, raise the intensity all the way to the end, then prompt me to turn the page by giving me some question to ask myself, preferrably a question related to the story goal of the character I'm with at the time.

I've noted a couple of things which you might want to look at before you get finished with your final draft -

In your pitch - '...a woman who's social circle...' Should be 'whose'. Only if you're shortening 'who has' or 'who is' should you use 'who's' - sorry; don't mean to sound like I'm preaching.

Trekkies needs a cap, police doesn't.

Lots of passive voice in the opening paragraphs of the prologue, and perhaps a bit too much backstory. Passive has its place, but maybe tone it down a wee bit for the opening - convert it to active. And before you do that, ask yourself if this prologue adds anything at all that's essential to the story.

'...Can someone to give them a call...' Get or ask? or take out 'to'?

Overall, I'm liking this. You've got a talent, so work at it and get polishing...how's it going to end, though?

Questions, questions...

All the best - I'll add more when I'm done.

Cheers,

--Jack Ramsay

Hi Jim,

I'm enjoying this. I'm at the end of ch4 and normally I'd stop reading there and give my impressions. I'll certainly give my opinions, but I'll read on a bit more tomorrow. Here are the notes I've made so far -

The premise is good, intrigue, mystery etc.

It feels like it might be settling into a cosy mystery as opposed to a hardboiled crime thriller - if that's what you intend, great. It does start to stiffen up (a bit like Danny) later on, but you might want to adjust to make it clear to the reader at the outset what your intentions are.

Very nice attention to the details - painting nail varnish on; how long to wait before knocking again; Seven of Nine with a Glesga accent - brilliant.

Speaking of which, the dialogue's pure dead brilliant, so it is :-) I've been slated (you'll probably get it, too) for using strong dialect. But if Ben Elton can do it in 'High Society', I think we probably can get away with it, too.

Suspense at the end of Ch1 - I've seen it done much worse in published work; but at the end of ch 2 you don't repeat the skill and the chapter just dies a death. Hook me in at the start of the chapter, raise the intensity all the way to the end, then prompt me to turn the page by giving me some question to ask myself, preferrably a question related to the story goal of the character I'm with at the time.

I've noted a couple of things which you might want to look at before you get finished with your final draft -

In your pitch - '...a woman who's social circle...' Should be 'whose'. Only if you're shortening 'who has' or 'who is' should you use 'who's' - sorry; don't mean to sound like I'm preaching.

Trekkies needs a cap, police doesn't.

Lots of passive voice in the opening paragraphs of the prologue, and perhaps a bit too much backstory. Passive has its place, but maybe tone it down a wee bit for the opening - convert it to active. And before you do that, ask yourself if this prologue adds anything at all that's essential to the story.

'...Can someone to give them a call...' Get or ask? or take out 'to'?

Overall, I'm liking this. You've got a talent, so work at it and get polishing...how's it going to end, though?

Questions, questions...

All the best - I'll add more when I'm done.

Cheers,

--Jack Ramsay