CODE AND ETHICS

Hi, Fred. Thanks for the comments , well taken, and the backing.

Hi,
I like this, you write well.
Two things.
You mean moulded in Para 1.
In para 2 you don't need to say his first name again - it grates a bit.
Backed.

Hi,
I like this, you write well.
Two things.
You mean moulded in Para 1.
In para 2 you don't need to say his first name again - it grates a bit.
Backed.

Good Characterisation comes about by clear description and dialogue. Your prose flows too, creating tension where needed. Quite skilful, and leaves the reader - me - quite enthralled.

I wish you the best of luck with this.

BACKED

Thanks for the comments. Much appreciated.
Marty

The font and structure hurt my eyes, I only read two chapters.
It is certainly fast moving and you dip into AG's thoughts well.
You really set the scene brilliantly in the opening chapter. That cold could be felt right through to my bones.
And I love the line about how the snow would make everything clean and pure again. Really loved that line.
If this was a different font, not so harsh, I would have read on.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

The font and structure hurt my eyes, I only read two chapters.
It is certainly fast moving and you dip into AG's thoughts well.
You really set the scene brilliantly in the opening chapter. That cold could be felt right through to my bones.
And I love the line about how the snow would make everything clean and pure again. Really loved that line.
If this was a different font, not so harsh, I would have read on.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

In his thoughts “She was probably…” I was surprised you didn’t use present tense. AG sounds like someone who is suffering from depression, His thoughts are well strung together. I would split the huge paragraph at the start of chapter 2 - I took one look at it and moved on without reading it. I like the build up of the relationship between Trudy and AG.
This story has the makings of a good detective story with real characters. I am happy to back your book.

Tony
Life Bringer

Martin
This is not my usual genre but the film noir/Hitchcockian style you adopt just pulled me right in. And it is so good to see depth of character in a crime thriller. I am in awe. This is so refreshing. Intelligent, observational prose told in a unique voice that keeps the reader on the edge of their seat. Bravo!
I think you have something remarkable; you got me addicted to a thriller! Now, *that* does not happen very often.
Shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

Andrew, thanks for your comments. Much appreciated.
Marty

I like this kind of film noir detective narrative thing you've got going on here, except it's a class above that. You're descriptions are poetic, describing normal scenes from a fresh perspective. I've got to admit, you definitely seem to know what you're doing.

Andrew

I like this kind of film noir detective narrative thing you've got going on here, except it's a class above that. You're descriptions are poetic, describing normal scenes from a fresh perspective. I've got to admit, you definitely seem to know what you're doing.

Andrew

Hi Martin,

I think your pitch is direct and to the point. Your writing is incredibly to the point as well. AG's introspection of failure helps the reader empathize with him and cheer him on his new quest..

I like the cover as well. Wishing you all the best!

Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

pitch is very good – but lose the exclamation mark!



this has all the hallmarks of a good crime novel – immediate opening, great characterisation, strong storyline – and yet there is also a richness to the prose in line with its literary tag, not always seen in other works of the genre



we are readily drawn into AG’s world, the grit, the relentless nature of his work, his thoughts on this (nitpick: i don’t think it necessary to italicise his thoughts and in fact think the work would flow/read better without this)



chp 6 – the mysterious fred speaks, the offer to buy publishing rights... we know there’s something not right about this deal – as, of course, does AG



you play brilliantly with POV – bravo! – i too am a fan of head-hopping and you should remain true to this stylistic device as it suits the story well



i am backing this and wish you luck with it

freddie
("honour")

Thanks so much for reading and backing Mummy's Boy - much appreciated. All I can say is right back at you! This is a really great read, absolutely my kind of game and very professional. Nothing to nitpick, I fear. I just lost myself in the read. Happy to shelve this and wish you all the best with it - my feeling is that it will do very well indeed here.
Jared
Mummy's Boy

I saw this on another shelf and came by. Enjoyed the read.

In the first chapter - you say he was dubbed AG and the paragraph is amusing, but I don't think you ever tell me why (so I'll assume it's just his initials) -- somehow I felt a bit cheated without the backstory.

I read on to chapter 2. Good dialogue, and interesting plot unfolding. I then selected chapter 8 to read at random, and realized that much happened in between. But I was still able to follow the action, draw conclusions and understand. Nice to know that it continued to flow even out of context.

You posted this some time ago - so you may not be interested in feedback - but sometimes it's just nice to know that someone read. Best of luck to you.

Hi Martin, this is very nicely done indeed. You pull us straight into AG's head while pushing the action forward insistently. Great sense of place too - I can feel the cold and the mist on my face while I'm reading. Crime isn't my usual genre but I've read enough to know you're ticking all the boxes here. Really wish you the best with this and definitely going to give it a spin on my shelf.
Jane
(Walker)

Hello Martin
I liked this reflective character... the best detectives are like this. Frank

Hi Martin!

You've got a great knack for putting the reader right inside AG's head from the start, tranferring AG's tension to the mind of the reader. It's not easy to make your readers feel so strongly for the MC so quickly, but you've done this well!

Fantastic premise to a crime thriller, and while the story is tense, your writing flows easily. I can see this appealing to a huge audience. Great job - on my shelf!

Kim
Invisible Justice

I think the very best detective stories have a main character who is refflective, and is on a mission to erradicate crime. You convey the hoplessnes of this very well, and thus enable us to empathise with AG, and have a deep understanding of what drives him. I liked it a lot, and it has my backing. Best wishes, Tony.

Code and Ethics has a good storyline given in the pitch, and you have created likeable main characters in AG and Trudy. You write well, and where you are dealing with your fictional narrative your touch is light and effective. Where things do not go so smoothly is the backstory things like the 'tour guide' of Raymond. Deep analysis of the complexities of Roe v. Wade and the Supreme Court doesn't really belong in a novel either, and I couldn't believe either of your characters as you have described them would want to have a deep philosphical discussion on the subject. With judicious editing and tweaking I think this story has great potential. I also think you have the writing skills to realise that potential, so I'm happy to back it. Good luck.

Dear Marty,

I was going to comment, but Cas did such a good job of it, I don't need to. I second everything she says :-)

I will suggest you look at your long pitch. There are a bunch of mixed up verb tenses which make it sound muddled. The short pitch is great.

Gordon Long
"…Kitten?"

Hi Marty.
I like the premise for this, it has lots of potential. And ch 1 starts in just the right way - with a nice murder and a policeman questioning the way things work.

Ch 2 however quickly gets bogged down. Too many things happen or are told out of sequence. The very first passage needs breaking into paragraphs, and do you really need all that description just of the town common? The scene where AG first meets Trudy is fine but the conversation between them while they're sailing is far too long. The scene where he's considering retirement is also fine but when he and Trudy are researching their figures, the text becomes no more than a dry list of facts and figures.

When you're writing actual scenes - such as AG viewing the murdered girl - the writing is good and so is the pace. You do an excellent job of letting us see into AG's heart and what makes him tick. What you need to be careful of is losing this and overwriting with dry facts. Look at what the reader *actually* needs to know. Crime figures and things like how the House of Representatives works do not make gripping reading.

Hope this helps and doesn't sound too negative. I wish you all the best.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

You are able to show us AG's thoughts - a reflective man trying to figure out cases where the guilty don't reflect. AG seems to be the one you call - no matter what time of day. You hook us with a mystery that gets us to want to read more. I'm not sure if it's a problem with downloading, but a few words were highlighted - The, gnawing, and violence is the essence of evil. Not sure why they are highlighted. The writing is good, but you could probably economize a little. Take a look at the first thoughts. I'd write it like this: She was probably in her twenties, from the Boston area, and out for a good time. This could be my daughter or granddaughter. Violence doesn't care who you are, ask your age, your gender, where you are in life, or who you love. (Last line in yours isn't needed - we get the point. And at one point you refer to the victim as "it" which sounded odd). One minor typo - beginning of chap two, capitalize State Highway because it's named 101.

This is just food for thought. I enjoyed your story and have no problem putting you on my shelf. Best of luck, KJ

I think you have some really good ideas here. My feeling is that you need to smooth out the writing to make it easier for us to keep on reading the story. Also I really do think that the second chapter all happens to quickly. Give us more about AG and Trudy and their feelings about crime. Let us see AG on the pavement longer to get persoanlly invovled in his struggle against crime before we go into his book writing and such. Well that is just my thoughts Shelving this to encouage you to keep in it,
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

The first chapter of this story is wonderful. I got really lost and found the second chapter wordy. I think you had the makings of a fine mystery, but you lost the major plot as you got so complicated. I think you might have another look at that. But really the first chapter is so good...I am going to look at the third chapter now.\
beegirl

Dear Martin, I like the idea at the essence of your story and suggested by your protagonist’s name: a good man in a bad world, the kind of man needed now. I also like how you skillfully interweave so many disparate elements to form a seamless, graceful narrative: namely, Al’s personal and professional lives, the current case and the political situation, historical events and contemporary problems.

You use dialogue very effectively to develop your characters as well as to express ideas and give information: your physical description is equally successful--you do a masterful job of vividly evoking the setting and accurately showing police procedure.

Besides being highly skillful piece of writing, your novel is also intellectually and psychologically compelling to a degree that’s rare in a crime novel. Very well done. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Solid, well-written murder mystery, neatly tied to Presidential politics. I like the angst in AG's soul as he faces this grim murder. Good characterization, excellent and evocative scenes. You leave the reader wanting more, and I am among those readers. I will come back for more later, but in the meantime, I know a winner when I see it: shelved.

I like the start, but agree that some of the sentences are too choppy, and could use a different flow for readability. If that's stylistic, feel free to ignore.

I disagree with the comments on body count, but would temper with the nod to reality -- how many murders did Boston have last year? Was it enough to make these many bodies realistic? If so, then defend your premise to the death. If not, think about why this is exceptional.

I like the start, but agree that some of the sentences are too choppy, and could use a different flow for readability. If that's stylistic, feel free to ignore.

I disagree with the comments on body count, but would temper with the nod to reality -- how many murders did Boston have last year? Was it enough to make these many bodies realistic? If so, then defend your premise to the death. If not, think about why this is exceptional.

I like the start, but agree that some of the sentences are too choppy, and could use a different flow for readability. If that's stylistic, feel free to ignore.

I disagree with the comments on body count, but would temper with the nod to reality -- how many murders did Boston have last year? Was it enough to make these many bodies realistic? If so, then defend your premise to the death. If not, think about why this is exceptional.

I liked a lot of the first chapter. I liked the writing. It's a little awkward, but charming and descriptive with a lot of humanity. The plot is intriguing.
The second chapter loses the plot. How AG meets his wife feels random to me, especially with all of the description. Sadness and tragedy in a plot-line should not dominate. They are like salt. Just enough, but too much spoils the food:)
One dead body is enough. But you introduced another one in chapter two, as well as someone named Betty who was beaten to death. Too much salt!
But, I'll back the book based on the promise in the first chapter.
Thank you, Patricia

Martin

A few nit picks......

Chapter 1
you say 'cold' twice in paragraph one
you say 'probably' 3 times in paragraph 4

I go to a writers club, each week we read a chapter out loud to the group...It's a brilliant learning curve, it makes you realise how often you repeat yourself......I ALWAYS delete if I read out loud, always.......

Chapter 2
You use the word 'town' 4 times in the first 3 lines....
Last sentence in chapter 2, you say 'book' 3 times.....

Your story is fabulous and lots is going on, no problem with the dialogue....It's just that in my opinion you have quite a bit of repetitive prose.......

Would very much appreciate you take on mine...

Shelved with pleasure

Thanks for the comments, Mikey. My next book, CONNECTIONS (not yet posted), will have more of the Green House as they try to keep the country from falling into the wrong hands.

Nice story, shelved.
especially curious about The Green House,
will we get a sneak peek
at miltary communications secrets?
Lots of fun with this!......Mikey

Hi there, this isn't my genre, but I can see it being a hit in its target market. This isn't just a thriller, it's one of those huge books about everything human too. Love the character, and think you have a great pitch to hook the reader to boot. Shelved with pleasure.

Nice story, shelved.
especially curious about The Green House,
will we get a sneak peek
at miltary communications secrets?
Lots of fun with this!......Mikey

Hi Martin, I just had a look at the first couple of chapters. The first thing that struck me was the near perfection of the first paragraph. I love to see words used to their full potential, and you do this! The story then drew me in, and I engaged with AG and his thoughts about retirement. There were perhaps a few too many exclaimation marks in his self talk, which I found a bit distracting though.

Second chapter - the description of Raymond is very loooonnnng. The exact setting is obviously important to you, but not sure the reader needs this much detail at this stage. I actually skipped a bit, to where AG pops up aged 22. Trudy has auburn hair at the marina, but dark hair at the crime scene. I realise people dye their hair, but I think you should make reference to this, or it just seems an inconsistency.

20,000 words complete? Not sure how marketable that is. It seems most publishers want 45 - 125,000 words. I'm going to back this because you have a talent. I wonder how much is autobiagraphical, having read your profile?

Blimey! I didn't read to the end of chapter 2, but just scanned through it. Eugenics and social Darwinism, very interesting. I see your story as a vehicle for venting some ideas - just make sure the story remains strong enough to maintain them!

Alex
Dark Skies Dawning

Martin
This is great writing. Love all the introspection, reminded me of when I retired. AG is fed up with all the violent crime, you get that across well and make him into a very likable character. I like your use of italics for thought, but much of the thought could be converted directly to narrative. My main character talks to herself a lot also, but thoughts are generally very short and sporadic. When thoughts turn into paragraphs and speeches then the italics quit working and better to just make it narrative told by the narrator, you the writer. I love your story, fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

The detective is an awesome character set amongst a gritty backdrop of crime and murder. This is great pulp fiction. WL.

Here as part of Cuthbert’s Cavalry to return your read for Shakespeare’s Cuthbert.

Great premise, I haven’t encountered this angle much: a police officer taking stock of what his life and his career meant. I liked it a lot.

Also liked the voice and the way in which you tell us about his thoughts.

If I may, I would suggest tightening the text to ensure that you stay in your protag’s POV. I felt that you sometimes go on “tell” mode, which we’re told is a peeve for agents and publishers, especially in the thriller genre. IMHO, a small edit in that direction can make this already great story shine even more.

Hope you find these comments helpful and wish you the best of luck with it.
Dania

Thanks for the read, Richard. Elm St. is the main street in Manchester, which is where that particular action took place. But maybe there is a nightmare element to it; the fact that these violent crimes not only continue to take place but increase in severity.
Marty

I wouldn’t worry about Elm Street comment below. I am assuming you are using local knowledge of the area to provide the back-story for the scene like you did most effectively for Raymond, NH. Your MC is more like a real detective, at least the ones I know. They would certainly appreciate your portrayal of AG as a man with a heart and a conscience, as well as a shield. I read the first two chapters and belief you have the beginnings of an excellent novel.

I would like to read more and will revisit in near future. On my WL for now.

Richard

I wouldn’t worry about Elm Street comment below. I am assuming you are using local knowledge of the area to provide the back-story for the scene like you did most effectively for Raymond, NH. Your MC is more like a real detective, at least the ones I know. They would certainly appreciate your portrayal of AG as a man with a heart and a conscience, as well as a shield. I read the first two chapters and belief you have the beginnings of an excellent novel.

I would like to read more and will revisit in near future. On my WL for now.

Richard

‘The wind swept down Elm street. It peeled back the blanket of new-fallen snow, revealing the old and dirty remains of previous storms.' That is a piece of beautiful description. So simple, yet so complete. I think AG is a detective full of passion and is more than a decent man. You draw this clearly in your opening chapter. Well done. Shelved. C.P

Codes and Ethics

Hi Martin, Great opening, although may want to change the name Elm Street, too many nightmare connotations. Great descriptive writing about what the snow is doing to the street, interesting main character and good hook to embed in reader's curiosity in this first chapter. I like AG a lot, he is deep, complex and cogitative, exactly what you want in a detective hero. A very accomplished beginning - Andrew W.

Code and Ethics....

Well, first off, your title grabbed me because it suggests that your novel will deal with larger issues and be more than "just another thriller."

Then your pitch clinched the deal...I was off and running to read this and you don't disappoint. Well-written with a haunted and real character...no cardboard for you. Good for you. In dealing with the issue of violent crime via fiction, you are, perhaps, another voice crying in the wilderness, but at least you're doing something!

Shelved soooo enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Kimberly,
Thank you for your comments. I have updated the pitches. In answer to your questions: As serious as this crime is it had become second nature to A G, his having been exposed to violent crime throughout his career. In other words, the crime had an M. O., which basic police work would resolve. Sadly, it is typical. But A G was eligible for retirement, which is a time for reflection. Viewing the scene he realizes that he has failed his goal of defeating violent crime - as evidenced by the routine nature of what took place. A G surmises what went down. The police would arrest the suspect, with cause; the courts would determine guilt.
Violent crime always left A G with a gnawing sensation - a subconsciuos reminder that something was waiting to be done.
Marty

Dear Martin,

Pitches:
You've got homicide twice in the first sentence. Same with the first line of the long pitch. That's 4 uses of the word.

Did you mean "detritus" of the just-ended Presidential primary campaign[s]" -- campaign should be singular

"These combine[d] with the gnawing that he felt" Who is "he"? The head of homicide was mentioned too many sentences ago. Perhaps give us a name?
Three uses of the word "gnawing" in the last few sentences.
This may sound schoolmarm-ish, but check your punctuation and grammar. No need to make a bad first impression.

Ch 1:
AG's internal monologue about the death of the young girl: would he really be all that affected, after all these years, after a multitude of homicides?
Again with the "gnawing," three more times in the first few paragraphs. Suggest doing a global search for the word.

Suggest deleting excess exclamation points. It's like you're robbing the readers of their own emotions, telling them how they're supposed to feel – it's like a comedian leading an audience by laughing at his own jokes.

"She was pregnant, which meant her unborn child had died with her." The 2nd half of the sentence is unnecessary.

How could AG be sure the victim's boyfriend would be found? You paint this AG as shockingly judgmental; a detective who decides on a suspect's guilt prior to any investigation. Did you mean to do this?

I applaud your efforts; writing a novel is no easy task. You've done a good job setting the scene at the opening (the snow molding around the cars, the cold). I suggest you look at the technique of narrative; what to relate, what to leave out. Combining murder with Presidential politics is always a riveting theme, and I wish you all the best with it.

Hello again, Poppet. I just found your comment - thanks for the read. Hey, Elm St. is the main drag in Manchester, NH. such is life!
cfarer

Oh hahahaha Elm street eh? - I know this is serious and sinister but I could not wipe my smile off my face after reading that. Poppet

Dear Martin,

Pitches:
You've got homicide twice in the first sentence. Same with the first line of the long pitch. That's 4 uses of the word.

Did you mean "detritus" of the just-ended Presidential primary campaign[s]" -- campaign should be singular

"These combine[d] with the gnawing that he felt" Who is "he"? The head of homicide was mentioned too many sentences ago. Perhaps give us a name?
Three uses of the word "gnawing" in the last few sentences.
This may sound schoolmarm-ish, but check your punctuation and grammar. No need to make a bad first impression.

Ch 1:
AG's internal monologue about the death of the young girl: would he really be all that affected, after all these years, after a multitude of homicides?
Again with the "gnawing," three more times in the first few paragraphs. Suggest doing a global search for the word.

Suggest deleting excess exclamation points. It's like you're robbing the readers of their own emotions, telling them how they're supposed to feel – it's like a comedian leading an audience by laughing at his own jokes.

"She was pregnant, which meant her unborn child had died with her." The 2nd half of the sentence is unnecessary.

How could AG be sure the victim's boyfriend would be found? You paint this AG as shockingly judgmental; a detective who decides on a suspect's guilt prior to any investigation. Did you mean to do this?

I applaud your efforts; writing a novel is no easy task. You've done a good job setting the scene at the opening (the snow molding around the cars, the cold). I suggest you look at the technique of narrative; what to relate, what to leave out. Combining murder with Presidential politics is always a riveting theme, and I wish you all the best with it.

Thanks for the message, Janvier. I will get to Flash Of The Sun. Here is the synopsis of the opening chapter: a homicide detective nearing retirement is called to the scene of a homicide. Here he comes to realize some things about himself: 1) violent crime has become so familiar to him, through his work, that he can 'guess' what happened (the boyfriend pressured the woman to abort their child. She refused. In a rage he beat her, killing her and the unborn child.) The detective correctly deduced that theboyfriend committed the act of violence and would be found and arrested and tried. 2) The trashed political signs spoke of the political rhetoric that does not address any real issues; they only respond to what will get them notariety without requiring any action. 3) To his disgust, he realizes that he has failed in his goal to defeat violent crime. His personal CODE was to take steps to achieve that goal; his personal ETHICS demanded that he implement those steps.
The opening violent crime is symbolic of the disregard for life and respect in our society. The political trash is symbolic of how political candidates can avoid real issues to get votes (the primary campaign in New Hampshire was horrendous).
The detective is moved to recover his code. Doing so exposes a world where different codes clash and reveal hidden agendas.
cfarer

Hello Martin,

You opening chapter is gripping, setting he pace for the rest of the story. A pregnant murdered girl who has to be identified and whose boyfriend is the number one suspect, but not likely the killer, and a chief determined chief detective musing retirement and who wouldn't like to fail in resolving the case before retiring.

In this smooth flowing story with vivid descriptions , great dialogue and a fast pace; you did a good job providing just steps in the gripping plot without giving away the final out. This well-crafted story deserved its spot on my shelf.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Hello Martin,

You opening chapter is gripping, setting he pace for the rest of the story. A pregnant murdered girl who has to be identified and whose boyfriend is the number one suspect, but not likely the killer, and a chief determined chief detective musing retirement and who wouldn't like to fail in resolving the case before retiring.

In this smooth flowing story with vivid descriptions , great dialogue and a fast pace; you did a good job providing just steps in the gripping plot without giving away the final out. This well-crafted story deserved its spot on my shelf.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Martin,

I like your MC and think he's a capable chap to carry out this story. You have an atmospheric style; I love how you use all the senses to pull us into your fictional world. Best of luck to you!

Heidi
Turning Red

Tom, thank you for your most welcome comments. Your points are well taken; and will serve me well.
cfarer

Comments on Chapter 1 and 2...

You have created some solid characters, complete with detailed backgrounds, and that's my problem with this. Writing wise, it's wise, as is the setting, and the characters, as mentioned. But there are great stretches of what feels like authorial opinion hampering my enjoyment of the story. In the first chapter, there is a long stretch about politics. It's all probably true, but I feel you could pare it down, give us the bones and the idea of what you want to (indirectly) tell us.

Chapter 2 expands on this info-dumping in the conversations between Trudy and AG. To echo some of the other comments, cut everything you don't need to convey what you need the reader to know about plot, theme and character and keep it moving. You don't have to get rid of all of it - just give (the reasonably intelligent) reader enough to get the gist and get on with your story.

I think there's a worthy story here, but it's being hampered by over-detail IMNSHO.

Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

Comments on Chapter 1 and 2...

You have created some solid characters, complete with detailed backgrounds, and that's my problem with this. Writing wise, it's wise, as is the setting, and the characters, as mentioned. But there are great stretches of what feels like authorial opinion hampering my enjoyment of the story. In the first chapter, there is a long stretch about politics. It's all probably true, but I feel you could pare it down, give us the bones and the idea of what you want to (indirectly) tell us.

Chapter 2 expands on this info-dumping in the conversations between Trudy and AG. To echo some of the other comments, cut everything you don't need to convey what you need the reader to know about plot, theme and character and keep it moving. You don't have to get rid of all of it - just give (the reasonably intelligent) reader enough to get the gist and get on with your story.

I think there's a worthy story here, but it's being hampered by over-detail IMNSHO.

Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW