Autumn in England

I like this, the storyline is good and the characters, especially Sharon, play to those pesky British stereotypes rather well. I'd like to see this finished so that I can make a full vote on it.

Please edit this! You have a good idea for a story and good dialogue and characterisations. But your writing is unpunctuated and at times quite sloppily done... and that is a shame, because you have a real feel for this story and could take this 'fish out of water' story all the way. I liked Holly and as someone who has lived and studied in four different countries I can relate to how she must have been feeling. I'm shelving this on the basis that you will continue to work on this and turn it into something quite special. Best of luck. L.x

I'd just like to say thanks to everyone who has commented on Autumn in England. It's taking me longer to get back to everyone than I thought due to my work load at the minute, but I aim to ammnd that asap. Thanks again, Emma xxx

Hello Emma. I do think it needs editing for errors but your actual content is really good. I foresaw what was going to happen from Chapter One to Chapter Two and I really like where the story is going. Good characters. Descriptive and enjoyable so I'm backing it. Well done! Good luck and very best wishes, Dawn Rose

Dear Emma,

I have read Chapter 1-4 and started 5. I think that you have a great ability to write, but I feel that some of your phrasings could be finessed a bit. Over all this is exactly the type of book I would read and enjoy. But I think you need to work on taking out anything that feels remotely cliched. I have a huge problem with this in my writing. So I know how hard getting the cliche's out. I have to rework my entire chapter 1 because of it.

You don't have to do that. You just have to finess it a bit. I am saying all this because I think you have great talent and I think you can pull this off. You have the skills.

Here are my notes as I was reading.

I hope they help. Well done, honey.

Emma I can totally relate to the beginning. The questions we ask ourselves and the self-doubt we go through. That was a powerful nugget. Hot Java through me off a bit. Wondered why not just say coffee? And American’s, if you’re looking for slang, call coffee “cup a’ joe”. The analogy of the leaves and shedding them only to grow new ones, the fear of going to a new place, all that jived with me. I will say that the beginning doesn’t grab me as hard as I usually like, but it grabs me and I am still reading by Chapter 2. Stunning architecture bathing buildings is weird. Think to reword. Sunlight can bathe a building. Rain can bathe a building. Architecture I think can not. Do the English say: old fogy? Hmmm? And I think either way you could come up with the better analogy there. older than Stonehenge? Older than Hadrian’s Wall? Older than dirt. Older than Sean Connery. You get the idea. I get to Jack and I’m suspecting that Jack is the dreaded arrogant professor. Am I right…let’s go to chapter 3 shall we? We shall. So off I go to Chapter 3. Yep! I was right. Okay I’m getting into this. I like stories like this. They make me happy. By chapter 4 I’m getting excited about where you’re going even though at times it feels a little predictable. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover….hmmm….I believe you can think of another description there besides that. Try to think of something original that Jack would say. A saying he can own. Something unique. He’s a literature professor, he can come up with something better. The fact that he calls her out in the middle of lecture makes me go: WHAT AN ASS!!! Extra credit for calling him an arrogant ass and that’s because she has a big vocabulary? I don’t know. I wasn’t buying it.

Hi Emma,

I've read your first three chapters. You've set up some good characters here. It's an interesting story and the overall structure is promising. I feel like your writing needs quite a bit of polishing, though. Below are some specific thoughts. Take them or leave them as you like.

You tend to use a lot of run-on sentences. Be especially careful of those that cover multiple subjects.
Example: "It was nothing out of the ordinary, she was going to college, and it wasn't her first year it wasn't even her second, she should be excited that after this year she'd be a graduate in Theatre studies and English literature." It gets confusing and is hard to read. Same goes for, "In fact school wasn't what was worrying her, she was bright, all her teachers had told her so, but that was back in Chicago, she was in Cambridgeshire now." Maybe breaking that up to something more like: "School wasn't what was worry her. She was bright—all her teachers had told her so. But that was back in Chicago and this was Cambridgeshire."
I feel like this is the biggest of the problems. These run-on sentences become very difficult to read and sometimes their meaning is obscured. One way to solve this is to go through your manuscript line by line and try to limit to only one or two commas in a sentence. If there are more than that, see where the sentence can be broken up. Vary your sentence length and structure more to keep readers interested and to maintain your pacing.

There's a bit of word repetition. This can break the flow of the narrative and be quite jarring.
Example: "...her cheery English accent..." and then in the next sentence "...Sharon's cheery demeanor."

I really like this line: "...she prayed for some sort of intrusion, an outbreak of bubonic plague, a nuclear holocaust, anything that would prevent her having to remain in the room."

You tend to use tons of modifiers and adjectives in your descriptions, sometimes stringing three or more together to describe something. They tend to lose their effect and meaning because of it. Try using only one or at the most two, picking and choosing among the strongest to get the most impact with the fewest number of words.

I think this shows a lot of promise. Please let me know if you do any major edits as I'd like to take another look.

Hi Emma
You have a lovely main character here and your writing contains some really effective images and ideas. I see that others have already mentioned to you that your punctuation needs work, so I won't go on about it, I'll just tell you I agree with them. And mention that you need a very close read through to pick out the typos and grammar problems. It's minor stuff, but important to get right to ensure you look professional.

I love the concept for the story, a real fish out of water type of conflict to be resolved, and can see it appealing to a large audience. So I hope you'll take the following suggestions as just that – I do like what you've done, I just believe it could be better.

First thing is that I've seen agents grumble that novels which start with a character waking up are boring. OK so Holly isn't technically waking up, but the idea is the same – here we are at the start of an important day for our character. Have you considered compressing the first three chapters into one? Chapter one is all scene setting and introducing the characters, not a lot of plot. Chapter two introduces a possible love interest and the intrigue about Prof Truman, but still nothing dramatic. Also those two chapters cover about two hours, things aren't moving on apace. The misunderstanding about Jack revealed in chapter 3 is amusing. But at the end of chapter three the only hook I have to read on is 'I wonder what Jack will say when Holly has to speak to him?' You haven't delivered a huge, juicy plot dilemma for me to chew on, just a bit of social embarrassment. I hope you don't mind me being blunt about it, but your pitch suggests Holly's life won't be short of drama. I think you need to deliver something big up front.

Your selection of genres means I wanted to cut you some slack for the slow start because literary fiction can sometimes get away with that, but commercial chick lit might need to be a bit more whizz bang. Think about your target reader, or an author whose work you would like to be compared to – how do they start, do they hook you from the first paragraph or is it slow burn? Then decide if you're happy with your own slow burn start. If so, leave it, it's just a suggestion.

Your descriptive writing is literary in style, but your plot is perhaps more commercial. I know the ideal would be for a book to cross genre boundaries, but for your first published novel, a genre fit might be more likely to be picked up. I think you need to decide what your aim is and then stick to it. If literary, which you are writing very well, think carefully about your themes, how you're developing them and whether your plot needs more substance. Is this romance, or a look at culture clashes and literary study as a way to know oneself? It can be both, but the weight you put on the themes needs to be right.

I'm sorry to have gone on so long. I really do think this story has potential and you have a talent for writing. Let me know if you'd like me to expand on any of these ideas and good luck.
K

Hi Emma

I’ve had a chance to read a few chapters, and I must say, I really enjoyed it. It was a nice easy read, by which I mean it flowed nicely, the characters didn’t get up my nose or do unspeakably contradictory things early on (time for that later in the book!) and I found myself wishing I’d brought a few more chapters home with me.

Others have commented on the punctuation, which is an issue. It will remain so until you fix it! Get to it! As it is, it reads breathlessly, as though you’ve written this as you’ve thought of it, which I’m sure is far from the case. Give it the pauses for breath that it needs and you may find you slow enough to ask questions of your characters. Just a couple more touches might give them much more dimension.

Once the punctuation is sorted it will be much easier for any new readers to see what really grabs them or deters them about your story. There’s some very good advice in the comments from others below, and I’ve nothing constructive to add to their insights at the moment, but I’ll read some more chapters tomorrow and share any further thoughts once I’ve had a real chance to see where your story wants to take me.
M

This reads very easily and sometimes you drop in a truly surprising line, like in Chapter 5 when you say: "The dregs of summer dissolved....". I found that a lot of the time where you have put a comma, I would use a full stop, and this makes the reading a little clumsy at times. Thinking about these two things together makes me feel that perhaps you are not doing yourself justice and that you can write much more tightly than you do. You have managed to create believable characters and believable surroundings but I thnk you might maybe be able to do much more with it. Exploit the different cultures more, as, I think, Bennetts has said in a comment below. But it's a nice read that could be improved with a little more work.

Paul House (Common Places)

hi emma,

not my usual reading matter(a little more girly)-but by the end of c4 i was really quite enjoying it.

your tale meanders along in an unoffensive, charming and easily readable way, whilst all the time building up the tension bit by bit.

i'm smiling happily-so you can certainly have a bit of SHELF-TIME.

nitpicks-

i found a few of your sentences a bit long, so i made a few notes where i thought you might want to consider splitting them up.

c1-
ordinary. She was
avenue with sharon. The
c2
loved your opening by the way-excellent little scene set.

hall. It
don't like the bit in brackets-could say-her pink outfit was instantly eyecatching(you'll think of something better than my off the cuff effort)

c3 you say she quotes-but she says ass-hole, when her friend said a hole(sorry that's really picky)

c4
somersault. She
fixed on her. Then
read it by yourself. Now
Care. If
walk away. As
across the way. If

I hope i've been helpful, sorry if i haven't.

hope you enjoy my little adventure when you have time.

All the best-TJ

Hi Emma,
I love your opening sentence, which fits beautifully with the title of your book. The title made me expect lyrical, descriptive writing and you certainly don’t disappoint.
You set the scene well, telling us everything we need to know about what’s happening and also give a wonderful insight into Holly’s state of mind. Who wouldn’t be nervous going to University, especially in a strange land? However, we also get a sense of her resilience through the line that she’s satisfied she has ironed out her insecurities.
You link the atmosphere of Autumn in with the character’s mood well and I am keen to read chapter 2.
Some of your characters are a little long. I tend to err in the other direction being a magazine editor but I think there’s a happy medium.
I like your description of her surroundings in Chap 2 but I think you’ve fallen into a trap I have many times before. There’s a chunk of description, followed by some action. It’s a hard trick to pull off but if you can weave the two together seamlessly this will be more powerful.
Here you reiterate that her friend, Sharon is a chatterbox but we don’t see much dialogue. How about weaving the dialogue together with what Holly is thinking while she is half listening – is she thinking about home, or her next lecture?
Alternatively, can we explore their relationship more? Into the second chapter where she’s again irritated by her friend’s chatter I wonder why they’re friends. Is it convenience or do they share other interests in common? Perhaps, Holly met her on her first day when she was feeling lonely? Of course, I don’t know how big a role Sharon plays in the rest of the book. If she’s another key character these are questions I think need to be answered.
Overall, I think there’s the basis of a strong story here but I think that the characters need a little more development. Almost there.
SarahK (a.k.a Kipper)

Emma, thanks for the read offer. To be honest, after reading so much here from Oct-Dec, I sort of burnt out on it, plus trying to spend more time writing. But I thought I'd take a peek and see if it interested me. Please don't be offended or think me harsh, this is all meant as constructive. I love helping young writers, or anyone, and love when others help me spot problems.

But right off the bat, there are numerous basic punctuation and grammatical errors in your blurb. I continued on, thinking maybe you'd written the blurb on the fly when you joined authonomy. But the punctuation and grammar problems, run-on sentences, and the feeling that you're telling a story rather than "storytelling" continued in the opening paragraphs of chapter 1. I stopped there. Now you shouldn't care too much if I stopped that soon. Maybe the story picks up and you hit your stride if I'd only read further. But the things that stopped me will stop an agent or editor by the first paragraph as well. You may have a great story - it sounds intriguing. But you've got to do two things right off the bat to avoid an automatic rejection letter. You need to show that you've mastered the basics of the writing craft, and you've got to show in the opening paragraphs that you have a story and a character that engages the reader. Your blurb and your first sentence, your first paragraph, your first page, and your first chapter need to be perfect.

Most of all, don't take any of this as discouragement. If you've got the "bug" to write, and you've got a character and a story in your head that needs to come out, you're 80% of the way. Now write and write and write, and read everything you can get your hands on about the craft of writing fiction, and the other 20% will grow stronger all the time. Wishing you nothing but the best, and if you have any specific questions, I'll try my best to answer.

Robb

Emma,
This is a splended story. I work with a girl, Stacie, who will love this to pieces! Wonderful desciption through out. You are going on my shelf.
Charity

Well written, prosaic, nice descriptives, beautiful picture you're painting here.

I have to disagree with Professor Truman, though, in chapter three, paragraph thirteen---I would think it's the other way around. One would have to possess a sense of humor, in order to understand and appreciate a limerick, and one would likewise have had to have at least been touched by love, in order to truly appreciate a sonnet.

Hi Emma,
Realised that i should have got to you earlier via the lit-fic thread. But here now.
Just a few comments - have read 5 chs and it is a very easy read. The situation with Holly making a fool of herself with the new professor did make me smile - who hasn't opened their mouth and put their foot in it at some time?
However I do have a few wee quibbles. - The name of the fictitious uni in Cambridgeshire - don't know why you don't say Cambridge - why make up a name, hard to make up one that sounds authentic and not neccessary (in my opinion). I felt that the prof making her repeat her words wasn't believable - his earlier ref to their conversation / meeting her eye would have been enough (again imo).
Found it hard to believe that Sharon would have woken her at 6.20 and arranged to meet at 7.00 am - realistic if they were going to rowing training or something - but more normal students aren't leaping up at that hour of the morning. (Not in Britain anyway).
I'm not intending to nit-pick here - just trying to pinpoint things that distracted me from the story. - Its ok for Holly to get things wrong at a Brit. uni - that would illustrate her Americanness (If I can coin that word) and I guess that's my main feeling here - that you haven't exploited the possible differences between being at an American Uni and a British one - the humour bit, yes, but i'd like to have seen what other things made her feel outside her comfort zone. - It would have increased my sympathy for her.
(PS - Tea with three sugars?? - may be Sharon's foible, but not a particularly British one.)
I did enjoy the light entertaining quality here - but thought I would see more of Jack by now - I hope he's going to pop back up.
Good luck with this,
Margaret (Munro's Choice)

Carolina,
Thank you sooo much for taking the time to read and critique Autumn, it means a lot and I truely appreciate your comments and tips. I'll gladly reciprocate.
Best wishes
Emma

Hi Emma,

I read your first three chapters.

You have written an outstanding story.

Your characterization of Holly showed her to be talented and sensitive and caring and tolerant. You've put her in a tough position (new school in a foreign country). Lots of drama (and romance) ahead.

I like the tree metaphor. Your descrptions are nice. For example, "A beautiful sycamore cast off the last leaf of its frame. It tumbled through the air, a brilliantly choreographed dance, vibrantly red and endlessly free.' Wow!

Your dialogue seems authentic and the conversations flow. You'll need to punctuate them properly (see below).

Your pacing moves the story at the right speed for me.

The chance meeting in the cafe with Jack was superb. This is exactly the kind of major twist I like in character driven fiction. Masterful, Emma.

Some suggested edits.

It was Sharon, the only person excluding her landlord that Holly has spoken to from she got there. A word seems to be missing from this sentence.

Holly had subtlely slipped an earphone from her i-pod in her left ear. 'i-pod' should be i-Pod.'

Sharon turned to her and said "Right first port of call, the cafe, I'd kill for a good strong cup of tea,' Comma after 'said.' Comma after 'right.' Period after 'tea.'

Holly smiled 'You read my mind.' Period after 'smiled.'

'. . . I mean really what else can you say, seems totally unorthodox to me,' Period after 'me.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Holly gave Sharon a puzzled look Period after 'look.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Sharon paused for a gasp of air and a sip of her tea, then continued like a run away freight train Comma after 'train.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

' . . . he's an arrogant, pompous, sel obsessed a-hole. Close this dialogue with a quote.

but since hearing of holly's dilemma. Capitalize 'holly's.'

These edits slowed me down to make notes, but they didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: I hope you'll be able read and review SAVANNAH PASSION.

Hi Emma,

I read your first three chapters.

You have written an outstanding story.

Your characterization of Holly showed her to be talented and sensitive and caring and tolerant. You've put her in a tough position (new school in a foreign country). Lots of drama (and romance) ahead.

I like the tree metaphor. Your descrptions are nice. For example, "A beautiful sycamore cast off the last leaf of its frame. It tumbled through the air, a brilliantly choreographed dance, vibrantly red and endlessly free.' Wow!

Your dialogue seems authentic and the conversations flow. You'll need to punctuate them properly (see below).

Your pacing moves the story at the right speed for me.

The chance meeting in the cafe with Jack was superb. This is exactly the kind of major twist I like in character driven fiction. Masterful, Emma.

Some suggested edits.

It was Sharon, the only person excluding her landlord that Holly has spoken to from she got there. A word seems to be missing from this sentence.

Holly had subtlely slipped an earphone from her i-pod in her left ear. 'i-pod' should be i-Pod.'

Sharon turned to her and said "Right first port of call, the cafe, I'd kill for a good strong cup of tea,' Comma after 'said.' Comma after 'right.' Period after 'tea.'

Holly smiled 'You read my mind.' Period after 'smiled.'

'. . . I mean really what else can you say, seems totally unorthodox to me,' Period after 'me.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Holly gave Sharon a puzzled look Period after 'look.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

Sharon paused for a gasp of air and a sip of her tea, then continued like a run away freight train Comma after 'train.' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters.

' . . . he's an arrogant, pompous, sel obsessed a-hole. Close this dialogue with a quote.

but since hearing of holly's dilemma. Capitalize 'holly's.'

These edits slowed me down to make notes, but they didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: I hope you'll be able read and review SAVANNAH PASSION.

This is good fun, Emma. I've just read to the end of the first lecture and found myself grinning several times. Good, punchy, nicely-paced chapters and an engaging story.

Look, here's the deal. You write extremely engagingly. I've enjoyed the first four chapters more and more as I've read on. But the piece does need to be tweaked. The energy of your writing is excellent, but it can lead sentences into wandering - it's as if you're speaking without pausing for breath. The last thing I'd want is for the fizz of your writing to be flattened by an assiduous rewrite, but I think it does need a little attention. The Authonomy crowd can be really stuffy when it comes to punctuation.

If you do a bit of a tidy up on it, let me know and I'll be right over to read some more. I like what I've read so far. I think you've really got something here.

Good luck with it!

Simon

Emma, just dropping by at the end of chapter two - I'm amazed to find that I'm the first to leave a comment (perhaps a little more self-promotion in the forum is in order). Your book gets off to a fresh, bright and breezy start. There are a few punctuation problems, and I did notice that Sharon, who apparently wears ballet pumps, exits with a click of heels - is that possible?

Sorry, I'm being picky and pedantic. Really, I'm enjoying the energy and freshness of your style. I'm going to read on.