Ashur

Thisseems really well reserched and the decsrption are very vivid! I was hooked from the first paragraph. Good luck with it!!

Anthillel (IUDEA CAPTA)

Very good. Well researched. A rich period that deserves greater attention. Shame it's incomplete, I'm hooked from the off. Good luck.
Alistair (Goliath)

A book set this far back in history takes a lot of research. You have done extremely well with this. I really applaud you for that. Your descriptions and dialogue take us quickly into that era and this purports to be a very intersting read. You'd probably go up the ladder if you played the game.

Betty K "The Huguenot's Destiny"

Quite intrigued by the premise. Found your work well written, with good characterization, fluid plot and a clear style, for me anyway. Not of the mind to look for typos, so didn’t. On the whole I really enjoyed this and thought it deserved backing.


BACKED

I like this a lot. It's refreshing to read an ancient historical novel that's not just about Greece or Rome (as much as I like them). Your prose is vivid and downright visceral, and your characters quickly make an impression on the reader. The writing is polished, with nothing I saw needing tightening up or editing, and the opening hook of the devastating massacre would keep any self-respecting reader interested! Happy to back
Jonathan Watts
Jenvilno

Still going strong... I might have to put it on my shelf!
Cheers!

Hey Shumu!
Very good start! I also find it interesting because one of my all-time favorite historical novels is about the Assyrians ("The Assyrian" and the sequel "Tiglath") by Nicholas Guild.
My novel also treats the Medes and their overthrow by Cyrus the Persian...

I will read on!

Cheers,
Duane
"Kings and Tyrants"

Hi Shumu, I just thought i'd blow some dust off my bookshelf and check out your new version. I see you've sacrificed the prologue - something i'm considering too. The new opener certainly does the job of pulling the reader into the drama more quickly. The casual brutality of the governor's everyday decisions comes across very well. Descriptions are economical and well interleaved with the dialogue and action - something i'm still working on! I would lose 'his heart came into his mouth', it was the only bum note i spotted.

I did have a problem visualising the central character. I think we could do with some visual clues to Adad-Nasir. I guess he's middle-aged due to his position and back condition from chariot riding but have no idea of his looks or physique. I think it's harder for readers to visualise characters in stories set in unfamiliar eras esp when they have exotic names. Again this is a problem i've been facing myself. I didn't find him very engaging at first although he does develop over the 6 chapters. Perhaps if we had some insight to his inner thoughts he would come across more strongly in chapter 1.

I look forward to reading further if/when you post some more. Feel free to revisit FiW and get your own back!

Kevin

Hi Shumu

Have read chp's 1 & 2 and am impressed by your sense of drama. Feel as if we are in ancient time. One point: booted feet? Were there boots in 600 B.C? In a desert environment, where it is still too hot to wear boots?

Will be reading on....
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Yes, the Assyrians wore boots, as one can see from any of the carved wall reliefs. The boots seem to have been of leather with a thick cloth lining.
Assyria/Northern Iraq is not a desert; the river valleys are lush and fertile, and in the winter it is
cold and wet.

Hi Shumu

Have read chp's 1 & 2 and am impressed by your sense of drama. Feel as if we are in ancient time. One point: booted feet? Were there boots in 600 B.C? In a desert environment, where it is still too hot to wear boots?

Will be reading on....
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Shumu, This is a very interesting piece. Your strengths are the completeness of your visualisation of the Empire, and the naturalness of the dialogue. Areas that in my opinion need work are 1) explaining the location, geography, weather and scale to those of us who aren't familiar with the area; and 2) removing adverbs and trite phrases from description, adding physical details and context.
Early example of the latter: "assault troops stormed towards the breach in Azari's shattered walls". How many troops? 20? 20,000? I don't know the scale of the period or the particular event. On foot? Supported by horse or chariot? How were the walls breached? Catapult or battering ram or what? (And remember, some readers will be so unfamiliar they will assume cannon unless you tell them otherwise.) I don't know the parameters of the technology of that time. How big was the breach, what does 'shattered' mean here, how high and how thick were the walls?
You may not know all the details archaeologically, but you obvious have a vision of it as your own working guess, and you need to communicate more of what you are seeing to your blind audience.
I'm backing Ashur.
Best,
Robin (Gospel According to the Romans)

Shumu, This is a very interesting piece. Your strengths are the completeness of your visualisation of the Empire, and the naturalness of the dialogue. Areas that in my opinion need work are 1) explaining the location, geography, weather and scale to those of us who aren't familiar with the area; and 2) removing adverbs and trite phrases from description, adding physical details and context.
Early example of the latter: "assault troops stormed towards the breach in Azari's shattered walls". How many troops? 20? 20,000? I don't know the scale of the period or the particular event. On foot? Supported by horse or chariot? How were the walls breached? Catapult or battering ram or what? (And remember, some readers will be so unfamiliar they will assume cannon unless you tell them otherwise.) I don't know the parameters of the technology of that time. How big was the breach, what does 'shattered' mean here, how high and how thick were the walls?
You may not know all the details archaeologically, but you obvious have a vision of it as your own working guess, and you need to communicate more of what you are seeing to your blind audience.
I'm backing Ashur.
Best,
Robin (Gospel According to the Romans)

Beautifully written, I am gripped from the first two pages, well done. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

ASHUR (Shumu)
The field of action is topical but a very small proportion of your potential readership are going to know that. When one is an expert, or at least deeply involved in what one is writing, there is a tendency to forget that others are not. Obviously you can write efficiently - my only comment in that direction would be to suggest tightening up the sentences, looking to see where they are extended without benefit.

The material is fascinating and I would really like to see it succeed. Presumably you want an agent and an editor to pick it up. They are going to ask themselves, "What is the audience? Who will pay money to read this?" and you are going to have to persuade them there is a large potential audience.

I believe you could do this more easily if you relate the area of conflict to the present day, or at least give some preliminary explanation of what was going on and why. To launch it without explanation is going to meet some blank looks.

I'll also mention an experience I had with an agent who professed an interest in historical fiction, she found words she didn't know and saw no reason why she should look them up. It is all too easy to over-estimate the knowledge and intellect of your reader.

Good luck with it. It deserves publication, and I back it.
mch

Hi Shumu,
First impressions - excellent writing, particularly the descriptions, very evocative - '...thick with flocks...' / 'Tigris looking like wine under the darkening sky' / 'protecting the crops from the ange rof the river.'
The dialogue too is punchy, with the exception, in my opinion, of the insertion of 'General Nintarta-uballit' before 'You forget yourself.' Its not neccessary and (imo) weakens the force of what is said.
Couple of other very minor glitches early on - 'town's women began mourning' - 'town's' is redundant (and repetitive) / 'pieces of gore' - I know you don't want to be too graphic, but this seemed too indeterminate and therefore a bit weak - either leave it out, or be more specific. / 'unmoved' - he isn't unmoved - you've just told us he's angry.
At the end of the chapter two suggestions - 'vast sprawl of mud-brick.' I'd stop at sprawl - mud-brick is out of tune with the following description of Nineveh. (Although of course there would be lots of it there.
And I would remove final sentence altogether - it is weak - as rhetorical questions generally are, and tighten up N's final comment - make it punchy, I assume its going to be important later.
Hope these comments are useful and the 'nit-picks' aside I this is great writing as I say, and has my vote.
Margaret
PS I'd value comment on Munro's Choice, thanks, M.

Hi Shumu, this is good stuff - possibly the most consistent of the historical fiction i've seen on here. You obviously don't need any advice from me. Only question: what's a turtanu? - i don't think that was explained. I can't believe this has only been shelved once, so on my shelf it goes.

Kevin

Shumu,
I really like this. It feels ancient, feels like I am there. The buildings, the culture, it all feels so old, in a land yet young. The ceremony, the superstition. The only thing I would watch, and this is so hard to do, is the dialogue. I always wrestle with whether I should use contractions, whether the language should sound a little more formal, or informal. Sometimes your language touched on informality a bit and that took me slightly out of the mood.
I fear there is not a huge audience here for ancient historical fiction. Most seem to like the 1800's and later, but I love the older stuff and you have nailed it. On my shelf!