A Bend In The Trail

A BEND IN THE TRAIL by Raymond Terry


If only I could write like Raymond Terry. This book should be one of the first ones we see when we enter Barnes & Noble. Pure and Simple!!!

Engaging is an understatement, thrilling merely a down-payment on what to expect from this wonderful piece of 'literary' Historical Fiction. Lengthy, yes, but worth the time. One of my last thoughts upon finishing this book (and it is posted in its entirety) is that I wish I could read more. I really enjoyed the time I spent with this wonderful novel.

Terry gives defintion to narrative in a way I've seldom seem. While he falls perfectly in line with the golden rule of letting his characters 'show' you his story, he constantly feeds us the perfect balance of narrative that compliments it at every turn. No detail is left to question as he moves this powerful tale along at a clip that is evenly paced and exciting.

Scene depiction is painted neatly with every stroke of the 'words' brush in this novel. How this book could have sat un-noticed on this site for two years is completely beyond me, except that I know what a humble man the author is, one to spend his time participating in short story threads, helping others with their craft (as he has me) and doing the things that epitomize what an Authonomy member should be doing.

RT is a true wordsmith. There are places in this work when one will wonder how he is not one of the most noticed writers there is. I surely did and wonder still, the memory of these fine chapters still repeating themselves in my memory. Rather it be the horror felt by character Millie Barnes in CH36 when she wakes up in the trunk of the car or the superior display of his knowledge of weaponry as shown in CH46, this author brings everything to the game. I've no doubt Ludlow would not be able to put this novel down and if you are a true lover of past-paced thrilling action, you won't be able to either.

Folks...this is 'How to write a great novel 101' right here! Strong characters drive this story while intuitive and crafty narrative compliment the show. I call it a show because that is exactly what it is, literary theatre.

If / when you read this book, notice how RT sets his scenes in perfect time to lead his story. He picks 'perfect' places to change pace, cut chapters and introduce new elements of the plot. This is an art a writer must possess, he being an expert at it.

In chapter 2, when RT is establishing the past input into the story, he describes a ship of the times so vividly you'll think you are on it. Each description of sounds, sights and shipboard life is described in great detail. One would literally wonder if the man was not a re-incarnated version of one of the characters he describes. It's freaking awesome!

RT is an historian. There simply is no way a person can have this much in-depth knowledge of life in the past without having indulged in great study. It is this element that allows him to comfortably go where authors sometime tip-toe, able to almost 'dance' his pen through the scenes with a confidence that is displayed often. I got the feel that I was reading Robert Louis Stevenson when he described the ship of the 1860's that carrie dthe gold.

6 stars for this book. It not only is publishable, it should be picked up right now and made such. There is nothing to critisize in these 170K words. Sure...a comma, maybe(?) Frankly, I didn't notice as I was too busy digesting this wonderful story...each and every word.

Cheers for Raymond Terry. Great book!

Dear Raymond

You must be a very patient man. Your first comment was posted over 1000 days ago and you are still here. Wow. Though the mammoth length of your text will probably count against it - how many people have the time or the inclination to read "War and Peace" after all? - your story, plot and your writing have everything to commend them. Top notch writing, detail that convinces and realistically drawn characterisations that delve very nicely into the deviousness of politics. The only suggestion I might make is that a thorough edit might be helpful, but then, you probably know that.

I admire your writing. I will be reading more of it in the coming days. A rich, rewarding and informative book.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

hi Raymond,
I have read a few chapters and will endeavour to read the lot, as this story is opening up a whole new world. Superb writing skills. A variety of great characters. The changing Pow's allow for a broad overview of the situation. The adjectives are well chosen to provide the 'feel' of space and time. Not a book for people without a fair amount of reading time on their hands, as this develops slowly.
Some of the landscape descriptions are so poetic, I had to read very slowly and savour the sentiment, so much so that Beaudelaire even sprang to mind. (That's meant as a huge compliment.)
As for the fighting and soldiering aspects you obviously know your stuff and dip right into every corner to make it accessible for the reader. Looking forward to the plot unfolding. On shelf.

Hi RT,

Very intriguing pitch and impressive scope for a story. You know your subject well and have obviously put a great deal of time into researching and laying this out. The suggestions I have are really more general than specific. One thing to keep in mind with HF is that those who have a particular interest in the time period and events will relish in all the details concerning the politics and military actions. In order to reach an even wider audience though, consider taking out a number of those details. This will allow the plotline to become more of a focus and the characters to take center stage. Also, think about combining or eliminating some secondary or minor characters. Each time a new POV is introduced, there is a period of adjustment for the reader; so enough dramatis personae to give the story the necessary depth, but not so many that the reader has a hard time engaging.

I think it's far easier to pare down than fill in (I cut out at least 30K of my last WIP *after* removing nearly 15 later chapters to use in a sequel). Placing this on my shelf for a bit, as I think you have an excellent start to a gripping and rich work.

All my best,
Gemi

This is so carefully researched and well-written. I knew little of this time period and place before now. Quite a find. I'm grateful for a good read and new knowledge. Fascinating. I could certainly see this published in the U.S but am not certain of its wider appeal.

This was an unexpected joy for me to read. It's right up my alley. Well done and I'll come back to read more.

Did Stanton really bend down to tie his shoelace at that particular moment? If that was the case then so be it, but if not and it is a product of your imagination then it does seem a little out of sync with the caliber of the rest what I have read. The priest who was in an high state nervousness could have just simply missed - sweaty palms - poor marksmanship, the conflict within, unable to hit the side of a barn at 20 paces etc.

This is a wonderfully, patient, rich, and well written book with all characters speaking and behaving the way that you would expect for the period in question. I'm sure that later in the book a fuller picture will emerge concerning the historical context in which all of this happened. After all you cannot have such giant figures of American history being written about at such a crucial time as the American Civil War, without mention of tactics and the wider battlefields not only of politics, but the various campaigns themselves. This is indeed a very big book with great aspirations and I only hope you reach that plateau of contentment and creativity. For my part I can only support what I feel is one of the better books I have stumbled upon around these parts - Mick (A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall)

I haven't any suggestions except to get ths published! It's a great book.

The War Department
Your blend of conflict and action works well to draw the reader in.

The White House
The detailed, intricate information that you weaved into the storyline makes it an interesting read from a historical perspective. Your information about the National Currency Act and the roundup of political adversaries gives depth and credibility to your story.

The implied battle of egos between the different administration officials (Seward and Chase) adds realism to the heightening conflict.

Your element of an international conspiracy adds a new wrinkle to the historical perspective of the Civil War that works to increase the interest level of the reader.

Santa Cecelia, Mexico
I direct you to the section that begins and ends as follows: “You are most kind, Lieutenant, …Godspeed Lieutenant.” This long monologue sounds and has the effect of a speech. I suggest shortening it, or breaking it into sets of exchanges between Juarez and the lieutenant.

The plot is complicated and very detailed. Perhaps too detailed. There are so many characters for the reader to keep track of, they would almost need to take notes to know who is doing what. I ran into the same problem with my manuscript. My solution was to simplify. I eliminated the name of some characters so that the reader would not attempt to keep track of them and focused on preventing the plot and subplots from getting bogged down. The problem you face is that if the reader gets lost, bogged down, or can’t keep track of what is happening in the backstory, then they may not proceed to the events introducing the main characters, and more details to keep track of, when you bring them into the present.

I love how authentic the dialogue aboard ship in Chapter Three is.

You established a firm foundation for the modern events you set up. Rarely is this accomplished in such a thorough manner.

The story is very informative as you paint very vivid scenes. Excellent writing but too much detail. Still, six stars and a place on my shelf. I will have to come back to read more.

Thank you so much, jsaul 2003. You have no idea how many characters I have already eliminated from this story. The very nature of what is attempted here demands the service and complicity of a cast that is simply huge. In the present decade, which follows the 1863 segment I have worked hard to clarify relationships but there is no way to kill off additional characters without detriment to the story. I will be providing a character list at the front of the published work so that the rteader will have a reference point going forward.

Again thank you for reading the book. OI assure you that it was fun to write. RT

The War Department
Your blend of conflict and action works well to draw the reader in.

The White House
The detailed, intricate information that you weaved into the storyline makes it an interesting read from a historical perspective. Your information about the National Currency Act and the roundup of political adversaries gives depth and credibility to your story.

The implied battle of egos between the different administration officials (Seward and Chase) adds realism to the heightening conflict.

Your element of an international conspiracy adds a new wrinkle to the historical perspective of the Civil War that works to increase the interest level of the reader.

Santa Cecelia, Mexico
I direct you to the section that begins and ends as follows: “You are most kind, Lieutenant, …Godspeed Lieutenant.” This long monologue sounds and has the effect of a speech. I suggest shortening it, or breaking it into sets of exchanges between Juarez and the lieutenant.

The plot is complicated and very detailed. Perhaps too detailed. There are so many characters for the reader to keep track of, they would almost need to take notes to know who is doing what. I ran into the same problem with my manuscript. My solution was to simplify. I eliminated the name of some characters so that the reader would not attempt to keep track of them and focused on preventing the plot and subplots from getting bogged down. The problem you face is that if the reader gets lost, bogged down, or can’t keep track of what is happening in the backstory, then they may not proceed to the events introducing the main characters, and more details to keep track of, when you bring them into the present.

I love how authentic the dialogue aboard ship in Chapter Three is.

You established a firm foundation for the modern events you set up. Rarely is this accomplished in such a thorough manner.

The story is very informative as you paint very vivid scenes. Excellent writing but too much detail. Still, six stars and a place on my shelf. I will have to come back to read more.

Read the first two chapters in Bend and was blown away. Especially impressed with your opening scene of the Mexcian priest's assassination attempt. Your research is second only to a Civil War historian. And the way you use history as a means of setting up your plot is brilliant. Your style makes it easy to picture this as a movie. Have you read Killing Lincoln? That's on my Christmas list. Did you see that movie about John Wilkes Booth and his gang of conspirators? (Can't think of the title) Many years ago I had to take a history grad class to get my MA. I was upset that Lincoln and the Civil War was the only open class that fit into my time slot. Turned out to be my favorite class. Your book is something I recommend and rate with six stars. This is something I would buy.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and Bad Juju

A BEND IN THE TRAIL
I thought from your pitch, this story was going to begin in the present and then flashback to the origin of the money. Because I like historical fiction, it was a nice surprise for me to see it begins in 1863 and then goes forward. You’ve obviously done a lot of research to include so many historical characters in the story. Made me believe this really could have happened. Overall, an interesting read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Wanttobeawriter: Who Killed the President?

Raymond, this is a well researched and written work, you clearly understand your subject thoroughly. The tone is brooding and tense and the dialogue crisp. I have only read the first chapter however I will return to your book soon as this is a subject that intrigues me ( the machinations of 19th century American politics are complex and fascinating). I was drawn in from the first sentence - this book will surely make the editor's desk, or I'll eat my hat!

good luck

regards

Cyrus

I ask myself, can a good book become a great book and if so, how? Raymond Terry delivers a hair-raising ride in A Bend In The Trail that makes the leap from ‘good’ to ‘astonishing’. This is certainly best-seller material and deserves to be published. Terry is obviously a good writer, and I fear that any other book I read will just not be good enough. If my father was still alive, this would be an excellent present for Christmas. He would tear through it in no time. The delivery in Chapter 1 is first rate, leaving the reader reeling in a pool of shattered glass, and a priest's utterance of two significant words certainly caused a shiver down my spine.

Any reader might wonder if Terry’s research was generated by real-life experience, wrung from stoic determination and humor. There is an undeniable atmosphere about the descriptive prose that lulls me into the scene without effort. Detailed, but not onerous, beautiful without being wordy. The research alone deserves 6 stars. It’s an unputdownable read which will host a bevy of fans in no time. Still reading and in the meantime, shelved. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

On my watch list!

A BEND IN THE TRAIL by Raymond Terry


If only I could write like Raymond Terry. This book should be one of the first ones we see when we enter Barnes & Noble. Pure and Simple!!!

Engaging is an understatement, thrilling merely a down-payment on what to expect from this wonderful piece of 'literary' Historical Fiction. Lengthy, yes, but worth the time. One of my last thoughts upon finishing this book (and it is posted in its entirety) is that I wish I could read more. I really enjoyed the time I spent with this wonderful novel.

Terry gives defintion to narrative in a way I've seldom seem. While he falls perfectly in line with the golden rule of letting his characters 'show' you his story, he constantly feeds us the perfect balance of narrative that compliments it at every turn. No detail is left to question as he moves this powerful tale along at a clip that is evenly paced and exciting.

Scene depiction is painted neatly with every stroke of the 'words' brush in this novel. How this book could have sat un-noticed on this site for two years is completely beyond me, except that I know what a humble man the author is, one to spend his time participating in short story threads, helping others with their craft (as he has me) and doing the things that epitomize what an Authonomy member should be doing.

RT is a true wordsmith. There are places in this work when one will wonder how he is not one of the most noticed writers there is. I surely did and wonder still, the memory of these fine chapters still repeating themselves in my memory. Rather it be the horror felt by character Millie Barnes in CH36 when she wakes up in the trunk of the car or the superior display of his knowledge of weaponry as shown in CH46, this author brings everything to the game. I've no doubt Ludlow would not be able to put this novel down and if you are a true lover of past-paced thrilling action, you won't be able to either.

Folks...this is 'How to write a great novel 101' right here! Strong characters drive this story while intuitive and crafty narrative compliment the show. I call it a show because that is exactly what it is, literary theatre.

If / when you read this book, notice how RT sets his scenes in perfect time to lead his story. He picks 'perfect' places to change pace, cut chapters and introduce new elements of the plot. This is an art a writer must possess, he being an expert at it.

In chapter 2, when RT is establishing the past input into the story, he describes a ship of the times so vividly you'll think you are on it. Each description of sounds, sights and shipboard life is described in great detail. One would literally wonder if the man was not a re-incarnated version of one of the characters he describes. It's freaking awesome!

RT is an historian. There simply is no way a person can have this much in-depth knowledge of life in the past without having indulged in great study. It is this element that allows him to comfortably go where authors sometime tip-toe, able to almost 'dance' his pen through the scenes with a confidence that is displayed often. I got the feel that I was reading Robert Louis Stevenson when he described the ship of the 1860's that carrie dthe gold.

6 stars for this book. It not only is publishable, it should be picked up right now and made such. There is nothing to critisize in these 170K words. Sure...a comma, maybe(?) Frankly, I didn't notice as I was too busy digesting this wonderful story...each and every word.

Cheers for Raymond Terry. Great book!

Your writing is excellent! You write like a professional. The scenes are well set, and as concrete as reality. I don't know how much research you did for this book, but it all seems plausible and real. Excellent job! I hope this is seen by more people and hopefully be discovered by a publisher. Great job!!!

Sincerely,

D. S. Hale

Got to agree with Jim. Just the kind of book I buy.

Superior, well-plotted thriller. Perfect holiday reading.

Dear Raymond

You must be a very patient man. Your first comment was posted over 1000 days ago and you are still here. Wow. Though the mammoth length of your text will probably count against it - how many people have the time or the inclination to read "War and Peace" after all? - your story, plot and your writing have everything to commend them. Top notch writing, detail that convinces and realistically drawn characterisations that delve very nicely into the deviousness of politics. The only suggestion I might make is that a thorough edit might be helpful, but then, you probably know that.

I admire your writing. I will be reading more of it in the coming days. A rich, rewarding and informative book.

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped" :-)

A BEND IN THE TRAIL / RAYMOND TERRY
It took me two weeks to read this book but I read the entire thing. Excellent!
The switching from scene to scene added constant curiosity to the story. I kept finding that I would have to read one more chapter so I could find out what was happening. I've read a lot of books in my life and very few come close to matching the pace and intrigue this one offers. I'm perplexed at how you are not a famous (very famous) author, sir.
I noticed some mistakes in the printing that I guess you are aware of but it didn't take a thing from the story to me. I'm not a writer so I guess you have editors to clean up the manuscript. My friend who is on here has me read his stories all the time to look for that stuff and help him with finding typo mistsakes. I enjoy helping with that.
This is one of the best books I've ever read.
John Lee

I read the first couple of chapters and found a fascinating story. The characters are nicely drawn, particularly Brian, and the writing is full of intricate detail, suggesting thorough research. The slow pace gives the story time to unfold, a pleasant change from the breakneck speed of much of today's writing. A good edit would be beneficial, but why should you be different from the rest of us! This is going on my WL for further reading. Generously starred. Good luck with this.

The one thing that caught my attention was the seemingly impecible facts that you show throughout the book. The landscape reminded me of that of a poetry book. I will be back for more,watchlisted and starred :)

Hi Ray,

I was drawn into your book and although I wasn't able to finish it I fully intend to. I'm BACKING (A Bend in the Trail) and would wish you all the best for the future.

Frank James (The Contractor)

This is historic story telling in the classic style, but I'd really lose 1, the Prologue. It would be more subtle just to start with the rhyme alone, begging the question. I think your main problem is that there are so many characters the reader can't be easily led along by following the fortunes of one. However, it's an impressive read and of course I've backed it.
Lara
Good For Him

hi Raymond,
I have read a few chapters and will endeavour to read the lot, as this story is opening up a whole new world. Superb writing skills. A variety of great characters. The changing Pow's allow for a broad overview of the situation. The adjectives are well chosen to provide the 'feel' of space and time. Not a book for people without a fair amount of reading time on their hands, as this develops slowly.
Some of the landscape descriptions are so poetic, I had to read very slowly and savour the sentiment, so much so that Beaudelaire even sprang to mind. (That's meant as a huge compliment.)
As for the fighting and soldiering aspects you obviously know your stuff and dip right into every corner to make it accessible for the reader. Looking forward to the plot unfolding. On shelf.

J -

Good plot, great characterizations and a read that kept me glued to my seat.

My only criticisms are an overabundance of adjectives and adverbs, plus some typos and spelling errors.

But Hell, that's just a careful read and some housekeeping.

BACKED.

Best of luck with it, and I'd love it if you could take a look at my book.

Thanks.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

I could not put this book down. The pitch attracted me and the story did not disappoint. I will be back to read more later and I cannot see how this book can fail. Paula Barrett (Cuthbert-how mean is my valley)

Hi RT,

Very intriguing pitch and impressive scope for a story. You know your subject well and have obviously put a great deal of time into researching and laying this out. The suggestions I have are really more general than specific. One thing to keep in mind with HF is that those who have a particular interest in the time period and events will relish in all the details concerning the politics and military actions. In order to reach an even wider audience though, consider taking out a number of those details. This will allow the plotline to become more of a focus and the characters to take center stage. Also, think about combining or eliminating some secondary or minor characters. Each time a new POV is introduced, there is a period of adjustment for the reader; so enough dramatis personae to give the story the necessary depth, but not so many that the reader has a hard time engaging.

I think it's far easier to pare down than fill in (I cut out at least 30K of my last WIP *after* removing nearly 15 later chapters to use in a sequel). Placing this on my shelf for a bit, as I think you have an excellent start to a gripping and rich work.

All my best,
Gemi

This is good. FIrst chapter maybe a bit long, but it kept me reading. Racy plot, good build up of tension and well crafted characters. My only gripe is that there appear to me to be many adjectives and adverbs, and a few typos but this is easily rememdied by a good edit. Shelved. Grant

I liked the premise so I read the lengthy first chapter. It kept my attention so kudos to you on that count. I guess what stuck out for me is that towards you used the Father's name several times to begin paragraphs in such close proximity. I am sure you mix that up a bit.

"The last two words" is where the first chapter should end. Leave a cliffhanger at the end of every chapter. Check out my book for this lesson.

I am SHELVING your novel because I could see myself buying this. When you get the chance, I would like to see your comments and possible backing on my book if you deem it worthy enough. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

THis isn't my usual read and I am not so good with all the technical issues, but I did like this. You have an easy style that really serves to draw a reader on. Shelved.

All the best
Elaina

Hi,
Read the first chapter. It is a potentially great story, no a gargantuantstory, but you need to tighten up the writing a bit.
You break up the dialogue too much in the first part. Each time you interject between lines of dialogue, you draw the reader away from the contents of what the speaker is saying and the speech becomes hard to follow.
Have you read the first chapter of Greene's 'Power and the Glory'? it begins with a priest but you know him by the time you reach page two. I don't know enough about what the priest in the first part here is feeling. Hard to picture him wanting to comit a cardinal sin and condemn his own soul to hell unless you give a bit more detail of how he feels.
OK take my comment with a pinch of aslt - who am I to say? An unpublished author who ain't got it right either!
it is meant well though.
A Good story.
Shelved for its potential!
Best,
Fred (Swords across the Rhenus)

hi Raymond,
Um, I'm another one of those people who has a lot of trouble sticking to a single POV .... have had it described as head-hopping. * grin *
I had a look at the first two chapters and what I do see is a lot of narrative and telling what's happening.
The format on here, with the big spaces between paragraphs does not help either.
Some typos - they slip through SO damn easily. good by should be good bye, and there are a few places where you have used unncessary capitals.
Of course, this is all preceded by 'In my opinion' and I am not an expert. I'll come back for another look later, OK.

Updated the first ten chapters to eliminate typos and have reformatted the document. Reads easier.

Updated. Invisible glitches in formatting gone. (I hope) RT

This is on my watch list because I think it has potential. In its current form it needs work.

There are too many typos in the first three paragraphs and the punctuation needs a massive overhaul. These may seem trivial to some but sloppy presentation has killed more MSs that anyone will care to admit. FIX THIS. And the formatting too. it's a pain in the ass but it's part of your job as a writer so do it.

The story is intriguing in itself but I think you could do less with the constant "info dumping," i.e. giving us chapter and verse on a new character's work history rather than just bringing them in and letting them do what they do so that we can know them as people rather than learn about them as characters or historical figures. Doing it the former way slows the action and distances the reader from the the story by turing the novel into a text book which is not, I think, the goal here.

In it's current form, I would not buy it, certainly not on the strength of the first chapters, but I do think there is something here worth working on. It's just my two cents and I hate being negative at all but even that speaks to what I think is the underlying quality of the piece. it's just not quite ready for the world yet. A promising draft.

I'll keep an eye on it.

'Raymond'
You are clearly a master storyteller. All those books you've written. Any published? I read chapter 1 and dipped into other chapters to get a feel for the style.

Here are my comments and I hope they help you someday become a master PUBLISHED storyteller.
There are many typos in the MS. I noted a few:
* "like a ritual. and Father.."
* "to the soul. of ritual well."
* "All three The men.."
* tTroopers"

* "last patriotic two whispered words" reads better as "last two patriotic..."

When I dipped into later chapters I found the POV jumping form character to character. You handle this by often giving the reader the character's name as a sub heading. I'm not sure this works. There's lots of comment on POVs on the forum. I've learned a lot and have rewritten chunks of mine as a result.

One tip that I've been given is to restrict the number of "was's". Removing them can speed up the reading. For example: "A steward was knocking" change to "A steward knocked"

Another is to use adjectives and adverbs to a minimum. I didn't pick up on any problem here, but in reviewing your work you might cut some to sharpen it up.

The first few thou words are most important - for readers as well as agents and publishers. Go through your first couple of chapters and make them as slick as possible. You first sentence, whilst painting a scene struck me as too long and cumbersome. The first of chapter 2 is better. Possibly split it in 2.

You have written a great deal and so there should be plenty of opportunity to cut. I know this seems like sacrilege but it's also good for the soul. When you return the favour and read The Jin Deception bear in mind that this has been re-written 9 times! (OK some of those weren't too dramatic, but the prologue was totally different before I came to the site and my story didn't start until about chapter 6 before. I needed the reader to buy into Bolton as a brawn with brains (and a dark childhood that's sculpted him). Hopefully he's more likeable than the arrogant chap I seemed to end up with before.

OK that's enough of me rabbitting on.

Oh and I thought more like Willber Smith than Cussler, but both are good!

Up on the shelf you go!

Best wishes Murray
The Jin Deception

Yes, the typos....And two of the examples you reference here. Gene,( comment below) pointed that out as well and I am miffed. One thing I should say is that while the typos are not present in the manuscript chapters I uploaded, this entire manuscript has been through a copy editing process by a publishing house that is known to be quite stringent. My overwhelming sense is that somehow, even though the .doc file designation is still present, there has been a subtle adjustment of the formatting that appears when uploaded.

I say that because I notice several places in the Authonomy version that there comments left behind and printed.

Wish I was more of a maven when it comes to that sort of thing but I have tried conversion to .rtf and then back to .doc without success. If mayhap, you have any suggestions, I am still trying RT

'Raymond'
You are clearly a master storyteller. All those books you've written. Any published? I read chapter 1 and dipped into other chapters to get a feel for the style.

Here are my comments and I hope they help you someday become a master PUBLISHED storyteller.
There are many typos in the MS. I noted a few:
* "like a ritual. and Father.."
* "to the soul. of ritual well."
* "All three The men.."
* tTroopers"

* "last patriotic two whispered words" reads better as "last two patriotic..."

When I dipped into later chapters I found the POV jumping form character to character. You handle this by often giving the reader the character's name as a sub heading. I'm not sure this works. There's lots of comment on POVs on the forum. I've learned a lot and have rewritten chunks of mine as a result.

One tip that I've been given is to restrict the number of "was's". Removing them can speed up the reading. For example: "A steward was knocking" change to "A steward knocked"

Another is to use adjectives and adverbs to a minimum. I didn't pick up on any problem here, but in reviewing your work you might cut some to sharpen it up.

The first few thou words are most important - for readers as well as agents and publishers. Go through your first couple of chapters and make them as slick as possible. You first sentence, whilst painting a scene struck me as too long and cumbersome. The first of chapter 2 is better. Possibly split it in 2.

You have written a great deal and so there should be plenty of opportunity to cut. I know this seems like sacrilege but it's also good for the soul. When you return the favour and read The Jin Deception bear in mind that this has been re-written 9 times! (OK some of those weren't too dramatic, but the prologue was totally different before I came to the site and my story didn't start until about chapter 6 before. I needed the reader to buy into Bolton as a brawn with brains (and a dark childhood that's sculpted him). Hopefully he's more likeable than the arrogant chap I seemed to end up with before.

OK that's enough of me rabbitting on.

Oh and I thought more like Willber Smith than Cussler, but both are good!

Up on the shelf you go!

Best wishes Murray
The Jin Deception

I like the tone of this book. I always enjoy stories about treasure and adventure. This one kind of reminds me of a Clive Cussler tytpe plot. Are you a Cussler fan? I've just checked your word count. It's quite a long novel. Keep up the good work.