In A Queue

A very good read. I was entertained throughout.
Backed with pleasure, Barry

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. I read the first two chapters. Your first chapter certainly opens eyes and I have a feeling that's your intention. My problem comes with Chapter 2. That is WAY too long as a chapter. Your paragraphs are equally way too long. Scale them back and open up the pacing of this book. This type of story requires it.

Both the pitches need to be rewritten. It's your chance to sell your story idea and you only get one shot. Hope this helps out a bit.

SHELVED! I look forward to your forthcoming comments and possible backing of my book if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Well, I'm going to disagree with everybody else. I think its great. Don't get me wrong, your not going to fly up the charts because the crowd in here hates 1st POV, first of all, and they are uncomfortable with anything as honest as this. Either way, keep pluggin away ;)

Well, this is a bit different. The first chapter is pretty shocking, in its way. The second chapter, though rather long, is kinda weird. I found myself intrigued by the character's absolute obsession with porn and with watching women, but as he started going off the rails I became really intrigued as to where this was going. Chapter three seemed to be filling in some background, but I'm still not sure how this is shaping up.

A lot of it feels somewhat 'stream of consciousness', and there were moments when I felt that it was overwritten, and that the characters were just talking (or thinking aloud) aimlessly. There are some very strong moments, and I guess there's a theme in here which is maybe beginning to develop in chapter three - something about self-abuse and the abuse of others.

I must admit to have been a bit out off by typos and punctuation problems, and I do think that this is very much a niche-market book. I think it could do with trimming, but the voices of the characters are strong, and their experiences are very telling, so with a bit of work I reckon you'd have a read here which is tough, and not for everybody, but which would find its readership. Now and then, you produce a thought or a line which is impressively direct and dramatic, a moment when the characters realise how soul-destroying their actions are, but it takes quite a while, and with a lot of heavy stuff to get through, before those moments of ice-water clarity.

I would certainly advise an edit, but there's definitely some interesting stuff in here.

Simon

Thank you for reading this and making your comments.
Honestly, putting my book on authonomy was a little bit of a whim and didn't really review the work before adding it on, this is entirely my error and if I had I would have noticed the errors here and the spell check issues, (I have used several computers to write this and have put them together without reading them through on one, if that makes sense).
What I need to do now is to read through the chapters and make the amends that need making. Although this is a finished book I suppose it is far from finished in many respects, it needs revising.
The start of the chapter, the fact that she is covered in sweat, is meant to imply that this is not 'before the action' but merely half way through or even near the end. I could try anf make this clearer some how as my aim was not to start the chapter at the begging of the scene but to ring the reader in at an unknown section and to not reveal what was actually taking place until the end of the chapter. Again I may have failed in what I was trying to do, as the pink blur was meant to have reminded Isobel of a previous memory and she put all of her thoughts towards it to escape the reality of what was happening, the fact that the pink blur was actually a vibrator was not meant to imply that her father had bought her that but that she was now back to reality, back to the present. This again, may be my failing that it wasn't clear...
I really appreciate your thoughts and comments, and it is a strange and honest feeling to read someones comments about something that has meant so much to me over the last few years but has never been shared with anybody. I hope you find it interesting enough to carry on reading, and make further comments that will ultimately help my writing.
Thanks

Hi Michael,
I saw your 'shameless plug' and thought: why not?
Initially I'm a bit disappointed to find yet more 1st person VP...
'....stretching winder...' (wider?)
dinning? twice... this US spelling? she's English?
Is the shoot in a sauna? (no in a 'hollow room') ie the steaming sweat. Does sweat steam... boiling water steams... I can understand why you want to include the word though as it's a steamy sex scene... if she is very hot and the room is cold, but isn't this before the action and she's rather passive then anyway...
this is a bit different from the norm and you don't pull any punches here.
I think you need to look at breaking up this long sentence: 'I had longed...My Little Pony ...never bothered with.'

we learn about the character being spoiled well and this, for me seems to counter any aspect of abuse here...
maybe move the 'pink vibrator ref. fwd. a paragraph as she still tries to take her mind off of her work?
this does leave me intrigued... how many fathers buy their daughters vibrators? I'm thinking dysfunctional family here right?
good luck with this
WLstd
cheers