Under a Full Moon

Hey Jinxy.
Right up front, let me say I've never read Potter, Twilight, Artemis, Pullman etcetcetc, so my knowledge of YA is, to say the least, limited...and let's not get into cross-over ;-))
However, I know what I like and I loved this.
Straight in there, no messing about. Good atomosphere, tense, nice descriptions, generally speaking. You write the fight very well, but persnoally, I'd lose that last line, or replace it - 'Then everything went dark'. You're better than that. Much.
I'm sure you're always in the process of tweaking and shifting things about - who isn't? - and maybe a slight rethink of the start of two might work.
'When Chase (finally) regained consciousness (and opened his eyes) he found himself looking at a ceiling so bright it (almost) hurt (his eyes)."
Maybe lose the brackets, or at least one of the 'eyes'.
Only opinions, obviously, but it read tighter, for me anyway.
The conversation in the dining hall had nice, natural flow to it, yet there were times when I had to stop to go back and check who was who. Difficult to pull off with many characters and it's kind of there, just needs a look .
I reckon you're onto a good thing here.
Have spot on the revolver for a while.
Reading on now.
Good luck - and keep plugging; you've only got to away from the forum for a moment and your thread slips off the radar!
Max.

Jinxy!
This is your story. I don't associate the name of the author with Jinxy. It's been on my watchlist for awhile and I'm glad I read this. It's good! An original take on the story. I was expecting for Chase to start out getting bit, but he's already a werewolf. That nasty government, always wanting to use things like this for a secret weapon.
Well written, vivid, the story pulls you along easily. On my shelf!
Jeff

I love the idea, sort of a trade school for old school monsters :) It's also nice to have the action start right away so that we (readers) are learning along with the star. If I had one complaint, it is that Chase's name appears roughly one bazillion times in the first chapter. Other than that, it's great!
Backed.

Dan,
Eunice and Ethan

Hello Jinxy,
Just checking in to see if you added anything new the Chase's story (I have been keeping it on my watchlist). Would love to read more if and when you have it.

Amy J
A RISING MOON: The Secret & The Promise

Hello Jinxy,
Bet you never thought you would hear from me, but I finally had a chance to read UNDER A FULL MOON. Of course I loved it! As you said, us wereewolf writers have to stick together.
I would love to read more and see where Chase's new life leads him and hope that Vixen is a part of it.
Best of Luck!
Amy J
A RISING MOON

You have ‘A month ago if…” and then ‘But a month ago…’ it would probably read better if you had ‘A few months ago if…”
I have been told I use ‘that’ too often and I think you do too.
“I came by just to make sure that you are still alive.” He already knew Chase was only drugged so why the question about being alive. You don’t need ‘just’ or ‘that’.
“How is our patient, Miss Metcalfe?” he asked Vixen as he inspected the monitors.
If you need to tell her name, maybe she should tell Chase earlier and ‘he asked Vixen’ is obvious from the words used.
“My real name is Sarah Metcalfe, but most people call me Vixen.”
“Now why doesn’t Vixen show you around?” - I would change this.
I got the impression from his moods and conversation that he was younger than 17. For YA it may be better to have his age as 14/15.
I like this type of story and you have a great plot. I think it still needs work to tighten up but I will back it.

Adrian
Jack and Boots

You have a good hold on action - maintaining pace and tension are very well done here. It doesn't feel clogged up with unecessary words, and the dialogue is pretty slick too. Overall, I think this is a well written book, and I think your school/hostel idea for werewolves is a neat one.

Andrew

Your action scenes are top notch. Characters are real and from the outset the reader wants to know where they're headed. This is a very readable novel and will surely find a publisher.

mike hart
aka bred flink

[Under a full moon]

You succeed in creating something that is at times believable, and isn't at others. For example: when Peter tells Chase his parents turned him in, that is a part that lacks something. I mean, I can see his parents call a medic or something and that the Department picks these up, somehow.

The doctor who is called will not be part of the Department, I'm sure. Surely news of this must have gone out, especially since there are other children. Somehow the world must have caught on - especially since so many people get involved (the family of each witch, vampire, Wherewolf, ... - their doctor, family, school friends).

Let the discovery happen differently. He is bitten by a dog. His parents will have called a medic then, if only to take care of him. They took his blood and send it to a lab to test. Maybe certain tests always trigger the Department and when they see the results... Well, they have a reason to act upon that information without implicating his parents.

Also, try to structure the info that is dumped upon Chase. He sees Vixen, he has a lot of questions, but let her not answer all of them. Keep the Vampire out of the picture for a few pages more - until Peter was able to explain most.

Take your time to explain it, and down't dump all that data on your readers this quickly. Spread it a bit more, this will make it more accessible as well.

I loved the pitch and the start. Well done. I find a story that needs editing, but that is slowly turning into a diamond.

Good luck and backed.

Peter
(A Shadow In A Shady Country)

The dialogue is excellent and flows really well. Some of the descriptive sentences might benefit from a tweak like I've done with this one, for instance - Rain from a broken drainpipe dripped into his eyes and down the back of his collar.
You've managed to give your werewolves, shapeshifters etc real human personalities, which allows the reader to empathise. Backed.

Good start with Chase hiding. Immediate involvement.

Point of view seems to slip when he shows his teeth and his eyes glow yellow. Can't he just show his teeth and snarl? We'll get the message.

I think this would work better RIGHT in Chase's skin. See and react as he does.

Glimpses a gun barrel. He ducks and scrambles for cover. A shot crashes in his ears.. His mind whirls You know the stuff.

Once he wakes up in the Institute Of Monsters I think we get a bit too much info dump and not enough conflict. Why not do something preposterous? A kiss? These are supernatural creatures and have Glamours and Allures and all sorts. Have him a lot more suspicious and incidentally give him plenty of intrigue to be worried about!

All in all though, plenty good enough for the shelf. Have you read "Bitten" by, er, Kelley Armstrong, I think. Sexy werewolves in there.

This is well done. There are a lot of vampire books out there now. but I think with your cast of unusual characters, you have the potential for an engaging story. I think kids will like this. Well done! Backing.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly
The Hobble Knobble Gobble Tree

Under a Full Moon--


I think you have a good thing going here. All the ingredients for a YA novel that should hook readers. I love how you have a variety of different supernatural characters, that they aren't all werewolves or vampires. That adds to the story.

Chase is a believable and sympathetic character even when he's acting kind of like a jerk. He has a valid reason to lose his cool, so it's understandable, and in fact, needed, for him to be believable. If he was stoic and accepting with no anger, he'd be *too* perfect.

The only thing missing, after reading four chapters, was another plot. As interesting as Chase and the Institute is, I'm not sure what is going to happen next. Chase is learning how to control things, so once he does that, then what? I'm sure you have more planned, but you might want to drop a few hints. I'm guessing that this mysterious Department will have a role, so if you just sprinkle in a few hints, or some foreboding on the part of other characters, that could help drive readers to continue.

There were a few typos and grammar problems, mostly commas where you should have had periods around dialogue. In the beginning of chapter two, you have a typo where you have dinning instead of dining. You have it spelled correctly later, so I'm sure it's just a typo. Also, at one point, Chase leans his head against a door. You have lent. Even though I'm not Brit, I'm pretty sure you meant leant. ;-)

Good luck with this, and shelving.

Hi Jinxy
I love this, theres a whole Xmen with vampires and warewolves vibe going on. Fantastic mix of fantasy and boarding school senario with the institute. It would have the reader wishing they could attend too. This is the kind of book I'd buy.
Good luck with this. Backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

This is very, very good. I particularly love your beginning, with the very vivid panic Chase is feeling. That first paragraph is amazing, got me hooked instantly. In the first chapter, the contrast between the past and present is very dramatic, and I think it serves the story very well. Your dialogue felt natural, which is hard to do when giving so much information.
I loved this, will keep reading and will go on my shelf.
J

If you need a critical comment let me know and I can swing back by; if not, then enjoy the SHELVING backing!

I could use your insightful comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

I do like this very much indeed. It's a little X Men, a tad Sky High but you make the material your own and it's a really great YA read. You've got the pitch just right (IMHO), ditto language, dialogue and there's that vital pinch of offbeat humour too. Nothing snagged at me, I just read along for sheer pleasure and would have happilykept going were t his not on screen.
backed with absolute certainty.
Jane
WALKER

If you get a chance, I'd love to know what you think of my YA....very different....though there ARE vampire babies in it. ;)

Hi,
If you don't mind me being blunt, yhis is bloody brilliant. The more vampire/warewolf books I read on this site, the more I seem to like, but this is one of th ebest I've sampled yet. I love the way you switched from past to present in the first chapter, it could have been awkward, but it was executed brilliantly. I have only sampled a couple of chapters so far, but that is more than enought to warrant a place on my shelf.
Best of luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

Hello again Jinxy,
As promised I'm here with comments.
Your writing is excellent. Your characters are likable. I especially like Chase's introduction to The Institute.
The host of different types of the fantastic, wrapped in the bodies of school aged children, with their age appropriate behavior is almost real. And, when deal with this level of unreal that is a compliment.

A few nits I will mention:
In your short pitch choose.

Ch1
His head was spinning [sickeningly] and he felt nauseous. remove sickeningly, it isn't needed. Sometime less is more.

Rubbish spilled scross the ground from a[n overturned] bin. overturned gives the sentence a bit more clarity.

two small disks had been stuck to the bare skin of his chest, wre ????? you didn't finish this sentence.

Ok, I'm off to put this on my shelf.

MickR - The Nightcrawler

Hey Jinxy, I left you a comment a few days ago and I finally read some more and I love it. This is right up my ally. The whole monster thing in the Institute is such a great story that you are developing so well. And as far as editing goes, I didn't see anything wrong with it!!1 I'm backing this for you and still have a few chaps left to read. See you soon.

Jinxy,
I loved being thrown into the action immediately. In my opinion, it doesn't seem to happen often enough. I really love the idea you're going with--two institutions that handle the paranormal creatures. It's really interesting to see an idea similar to my own done in such a different way, and I love it! There are some rough spots and awkward lines, but nothing that can't be fixed with editing. The story itself is something I could sit down and read on my couch. After a bit of tightening up, you'll have something fantastic. If you would like a list or more details, let me know! I'm always willing to help someone with great potential, especially in my own genre.
This is on my shelf!
Alisha

This is great and should not have a red arrow.

I love this from the start, your writing is lovely and I would read this to the end. I want my paperback copy! But since no-one has been sensible enough to publish you, I will be keeping it on my w/list to indulge in later and pester you to load it all when I have time to read.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

This is right up my alley. After reading your pitch, I was hooked. I placed this on my watchlist for further reading and will comment thereafter!!! Again I love the pitch and if this were sitting on a bookstand, I would have opened to look at the first chap. See you later!!

This story reminded me a lot about X-Men - not sure if that's good or bad. But your writing is excellent. For me, just the right amount of desription and action, and the dialogue is very natural.

Shelved.
Best of luck.
Andrea
YA - The Funeral

Great opening. In fact great 1st chapter full stop. Your dialogue is strong as well - natural and unforced. I've got a son and I find it increasingly difficult to find things to keep him interested in reading. But I think, when he's a couple of years older, this would be a perfect book for him.

NS Green
This is not usually my scene, but I have 2 teenagers, and so there is quite alot of YA lying scattered around the house....I've got to say, although you have a considerable amount of competition in this genre, your writing certainly puts you in a position where in my opinion you hold your own.......

I enjoyed this, I could quite see Chase in my minds eye after only one chapter....

Best of luck with this.. Backed.

Your catchy title caught my eye. When I started reading, I was glad. Good story!
I like reading about shape shifters. And Werewolves. I like the humor in your story too. I think kids need more of it.
The beginning kept me involved and I feel for Chase, wanting him to be safe.
Thanks for the good read.
Backed by SD Gillen

Jinxy,

I had a feeling lunch was going to be a treat today, both because I had ordered one of my favorite Subway sandwiches and because I was looking forward to reading your book. Fortunately, your writing has taken away my disappointment in the sandwich (I’m fairly certain my $6.25 entitles me to more than two olive slices, thank you).

First off, I love supernatural/creatures/magic/powers, so I’m very much your target audience. I like the way you start with Chase on the run and then visit the night of his attack later (I found the attack itself was rather rushed, but it certainly works). The introductions to the other residents are well done and I think you did a good job balancing Chase’s feelings of surprise at his new environments with his disbelief his parents turned him in.

The writing itself is well done and easy to read. I’ve only made it through the first three chapters so far (I spent the first half of my lunch watching them half-hazardly throw those two olive slices on my sandwich), but I definitely plan to read the rest of what you have posted. There are a few instances of tags that are capitalized when they shouldn’t be (…” He said.). In chapter two, there’s a line, “It’s not like your normal.” which should be “you’re”. And there were a few things that stood out, (Chapter One: “Her cryptic answers were starting to irritate him.” I didn’t really feel her answers were all that cryptic. She came right out and told him there were witches and vampire and what-not there. Also, in Chapter 3, you say Chase really needs to be alone and then a few sentences later, he seems bummed that he’s never been so alone.)

Thanks for the good read!

~Steve

Hi Jinxy, I love the idea and your writing is strong, I was a little confused at the beginning as to whether Chase was an animal or human but got sorted pretty quickly.

As I said enjoyed it, I'm a YA fan!
Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Under a Full Moon--
Jinxy,
I love YA (I write YA) - however I'm not really into sci-fi or fantasy...
But you had me hooked on this one. I love your characters and your dialog. (I love dialog).
I think the premise is good and a lot of kids will eat it up.
Good luck to you!
On my shelf!
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift

Under a Full Moon...

Gripping...and Chase is certainly a sympathetic character.

Only one nit about the writing...adverbs...get rid of them (Noah Lukeman, The First Five Pages: adverbs are a reason for rejection.

I love your premise and the execution in your first three chapters (your partial). Based on that, I'm shelving.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

I did see a forum comment on someone's book along the lines of 'your book has vampires and I don't like vampires'.
I haven't read enough to comment on plot or structure, because this isn't my kind of book.
I can say that you write very well. It is an enjoyable read and it flows well.
The dialogue maybe needs a bit of work becuase you break it up a bit too much for my liking and it slows the pace. Using nothing or 'he said' 'she said' is maybe enough and the reader can then follow the dialogue a bit better.
In the up front action scene in the alley, try making the sentences shorter. One writer told me once that there is no place for 'and' or 'but' in a fight scene. The shorter the sentence, the quicker it is read and in an action scene that can only be good.
The over all thing here is the writing is sound. The narrative progresses well and the characterisation is excellent.
I like this and have backed it because of the writing.
Don't take anyone's advice unless you look at their work in case they can't write.
Best,
Fred.
(Swords across the Rhenus)

Hi Jinxy

I've gone through the first three chapters. It's good and I quite liked it, but you want more than "good", "quite" or even "liked" - you want the reaction to be "brilliant", "loved" or "was blown away". There's little to fault with the writing. So, if I was to make constructive suggestions I'd say you have three things to look at: suspense; impact; and pace. I'll try to be more specific and will nitpick as I go, but I'll try to keep it constructive. Quick warning: I'm rarely tactful... so please don't be offended.

Set-up in CH1 is good - first few paras have real atmosphere, and a whiff of suspense... but run into the buffers when you let the characters start flapping their lips. If you can tighten it right up, you'll increase the pace. Look out for redundancy (eg running for his life from two men who wanted to kill him... what, instead of running for his life from two men who wanted to give him a haircut?) and an excess of detail (stretched one leg then the other; why not just stretch his legs - same thing but faster). Especially with action scenes, less is more - pare them down as much as you can.

I found the cross-fade to waking up in the institute a bit... less clear than it could be. Not bad, but I was having to fill in the gaps for myself. Can you find a way to make it easier for the reader? Put them more clearly inside Chase's head as the lights go out? And really ramp up the suspense/fear/anxiety? It should be the first big dramatic climax of the book... but at the moment it's just a bit of a blur. Which may be what it would feel like to be hit with a tranq - but doesn't make for maximum thrills from the tale-telling point of view.

I think the characterisations were excellent, with particularly nicely defined characters in Chase and Vixen. It's a personal-taste thing - I struggled with the name Vixen. To X-Men for me, but that could just be me being an old fart. I thought Maladict was much more on the money - all the right vibes but without feeling cliched. However, that's a real subjective thing. So, yeah, you can probably forget that one. However, you have a lot of other characters building up at once. Would you be better off having a more restricted cast to start off with, so you can develop them one at a time?

As a general thing, I did think there was too much dialogue and not enough thinking and describing going on in the Institute. I struggled to get a sense of place or scale for it. There wasn't half the atmosphere of the opening in the alley. Can you flow some of that richer description in there?

While the dialogue establishes character nicely, it feels pretty slow and in places it's less convincing than in others (it was better in CH3 - more flowing as you got more comfortable with the characters). I think largely it slows the pace quite a lot. And people talking will always have less impact than people doing. So if there's more doing and less talking... more dramatic tension on the page. Which is good.

For me, everything comes too easily for Chase in the institute. Is there a way to build tension and suspense by making him work for all the info that drops in his lap? Put the reader more in his head as he joins the dots, have him less spoon-fed by Vixen?

So I hope those observations aren't too harsh. I did enjoy it, it is a nice piece of work - but if you're looking to work on it, I hope you'll find those comments helpful.

SW

Really enjoyed the first chapter and you do dialogue superbly.

There is a show on the SciFi Channel called Sanctuary that cover very similar ground and you should check their website to avoid too much overlap. I think that vampire werewolf crossover stories capture the zeitgeist at the moment, so this story should be very commercial.

This is really good! I like the way you build suspense and capture the reader with the main character’s confusion. I love the action, the idea/plot and the characters.

I only saw a few punctuation problems, and since I just took an “intensive grammar” course, allow me to be annoying while critiquing your work … lol. I only do it to help though :)

**He winced as the movement sent sharp shooting pains across his chest, and made his head spin sickeningly. (Take out comma)

Commas are only used before a conjunction to connect two complete sentences. If the sentences do not stand on their own just leave it out.)

**“You really don’t know?” she looked at him quizzically and sighed. (Capital S on She)

**Peter often asks me to watch over the new arrivals…” she gave him a tiny smile. (Capital S on ‘she’, and four dots after ‘arrivals’.)

When it comes to ellipsis (…) if it ends a sentence four dots are used with no space and in between words leave a space on both sides … ridiculous, I know hahaha….)

**She looked at him intensely for a moment, and glanced towards the door at the end of the room. (Take out comma)

**Peter passed him a t-shirt and then patted him awkwardly on the arm. (I would take out ‘then’)

** “The dinning room is the other way…” (Dining, four dots)

**The vampire Maladict was sat a little further down the table. (was sat)

**”Too many to list,” A dark haired boy a few seats down leant forward. (Take out comma after list, and leant should be leaned.)

…I’m sure you get the idea, so I’ll stop. LOL … It’s all easy stuff to fix though and does not take away from the fact that you have a great story going on here. One that I really want to read more of. I have to stop for now but I will be back :) And when I get room on my bookshelf in a couple days) I will put it up there for sure!!! (Remind me if I don't k?)
Cheryl

I love the genre, love your descriptions, love the story. There are so many vampire books already (and I love vampire books) but there needs to be more werewolf books on the shelves! It going on my virtual shelf at least. Best of luck!

Jinxy,

Wonderful! From the very first moment you start of with amazing action and description. I love the way you build up the characters. They have a good deal of depth. Nothing superficial about them at all.

This story has a very X-Men feel to it... but I like it. You introduce the characters and the setting in a way that makes it all feel very real, without going into too much exposition. Again, great balance between action and character development. I'm really impressed and I very much enjoyed reading this excerpt. This is definitely a book I would buy. Shelved. :)

Hi Jinxy,

This is a lot of fun - I'm really enjoying the tone - Chase's emotions come across very strongly, which is great to read.

I'd like a little more description in there, and perhaps a little more back story thrown in. For example, Chase shakes Maladict's hand... is it cold? Is the grip strong? Vixen's got green eyes, but you don't give us more to help paint a picture.

That said, the dialogue is good, you clearly have some great ideas about where you want to go with the story, and it's certainly engaging and easy to read, which are good things!

Just as an idea, considered comic-booking it? The right artist, it could be a real cult hit!

Justin/Eldias
The Heart of Nightmares

Hi Jinxy,
Right away I was hooked. You bring the action to the reader very well and your characters have amazing depth. Good luck with this, it is definately getting to the top!
You are shelved :)
Holly
(The Faerie Conspiracies)

Hi Jinxy!

I think you're off to a solid start with this one - interesting premise, and some great dialog. Good choice to start the story off in the middle of a chase - it brings your readers right into the action. There are definitely places, especially in the beginning, that could use some tweaking, but that's what editors are for, right? *grin*

Best of luck!

~Traci

Hi Jinxy, have had this shelved for a few days now. Glad to have a look at chapter one: you have a very strong concept on the go, one that's sure to be very popular in these post-Twilight days. But tales of werewolves, vampires and other classic creatures are timeless, and I think there's a little touch of the X-Men in there, too - so you get a school element there, too. It's original in its execution though and the writing is nice and tight; it's a saleable idea, for sure, and the chase scene at the start was well handled. Although you don't name him, there's an enemy in the form of the man with "frighteningly blue eyes", as well as a love rival in the vampire (great name!) and love interest, I think, in Vixen. All the elements are there from the start, it's clear and compelling stuff.

All the best

P

Hey Jinxy I just read your book.

It seems to be very targetted at a teen audience ? So I am prolly not the target audience.


Your character interactions are very well written in my opinion and you clearly have quite the imagination and storytelling abillities.

The flow of the story is nice and the setting seems good.

Now from my point of view their is something a bit to much x-men like over it. And that is quite fine. But the problem for me is when you involve something such as vampires and werewolfs (As in your taglines) one expects something darker. Because those archtypes imply such things to people thrue many years virtual lore.

Now breaking pre-conceptions and using archtypes in different ways can in many ways work quite succesfully, See Twillight. But in my opinion you could replace the vampires in twilight (the movie, not read) with almost anything else thats dark, sexy and slightly scary, and the story still works.

I just think the case is that in even more instances you allienate a hole potential fanbase interrested in the archtype lore.

I can suggest you might take a look at: http://forums.white-wolf.com/cs/forums/21.aspx where you can plug your book and possible get a lot of nice feed back from fans of the genre, If your book moves on to be more dark that is.

But do check out the forum and rules first though as shameless plugs are considered quite rude most places except this site, and some finesse is needed.

Best of luck with your writing.

What I meant about description was probably all of the above. It's like you have the scene already pictured in your head, but just because you can see it doesn't mean the reader can. It's a problem I have as well. I write a ton of dialogue when I get in the writing mood and have to go back and describe the rest of the scene more thoroughly afterward. I think that's what you might be doing. I've been advised that writing too much description (there's a difference between too much description and purple prose) is better than too little because you can always trim it.

This story has a lot of potential, but there are a few things that you could do to set it apart from others of this genre.

There are a few typos, but nothing that another edit shouldn't be able to fix.

First off, there's too much dialogue and not enough description. The dialogue isn't bad, but there are stretches where there's lots and lots of talking and not enough action or the action isn't described enough. I have trouble picturing some of the characters.

When Silver and Chase have their discussion about meditation, Chase gives in to her arguments awfully quickly for someone who's supposed to be in distress. If Chase is meant to stay away from the others because he's dangerous/unpredictable during the full moon, especially given the fact he mauled someone, then he's acting pretty compliant/weak. EIther he is some sort of prodigy or he needs to be undergoing more difficulty controlling himself. Becoming a werewolf, being chased by the Department, being betrayed by his parents, puberty...all these should contribute to his tumultous emotions.

It's YA, so I don't expect it to be groundbreaking new fantasy/sci-fi, however so far, there isn't anything really new that makes it stand out except solid writing. "The Institute" and "The Department" aren't new concepts, nor is the tortured vampire, troubled psychic, out-of-control werewolf, or witch who can't control her powers. I like Phoenix's personality because she spells trouble. Silver and Peter need more fleshing out, right now they seem like the token wise grown-ups. There as plot devices to advise, chasten, and occasionally give approval, not as characters.

I guess I'm looking for deeper themes and characterization. His memories of his parents for example. Fair enough, maybe they turned him in, but what has convinced him of this other than people's words? He hasn't quite reasoned out the "why." Maybe he thinks they really had good intentions, maybe his parents are the sort that keep up appearances and once he's tarnished that, they'd be more than happy to keep him under wraps. There needs to be some feeling from Chase why he believes that. Maybe he's seen them make tough decisions that they thought were for the best (putting Granny in a nursing home and only visiting on holidays or sending someone to drug rehab.) Maybe there's been sketchy behavior on their part, like ignoring friends who've lost social status or wealth. Either way, there doesn't seem to be a reason why he personally now believes his parents turned him in.

The writing is solid and I suspect you know where you're going with this and how the characters are meant to act. I think however, you might need to fill in a few more blanks/hints because I think, as a reader. I'm not catching all that you want to convey.

I think this story could be a lot better and I think you probably have the skills to do it.

OK... You seem to just brush over what exactly happened from the moment Chase was caught in the house by his mother, as though it was merely a bummer. So did they just split in a panic? Were there words? What? Or is this information being intentionally withheld for now?

I AM getting more and more curious about this Department, and when we're gonna see more trouble from them.

And Chase's characterization seems to be going all over the place! One minute he's prudish and shy to a truly odd degree, then once he's got pants on (but no shirt, a factor they'd both be quite aware of, yet you ignore), he seems to jump right into physical flirtation with Vixen. And you clearly indicated earlier - in fact, it was largely the impetus for Chapter 5 even taking place - that werewolves' clothes don't shift with them. Is it different with shape shifters or something? 'Cause otherwise Vixen would've pretty obviously be naked in his lap. This is me going "Uh-huh," too, not looking any more convinced than Mal.

I'm still liking the story - and highly entertained and actually rather relating to Maladict - but while chapters 1-4 felt fairly polished, the end of 5 and most of 6 feel like hurried first drafts. There are still strong moments, though... Psych's greeting them with the baseball cap was priceless, as was "Reminds me of the sixties!"

I like the increasing insight - and hints - we're getting into Mal. Seems there's a lot about him and his relationships with the other characters that you get across without saying.

However, the last scene in Chase's house feels WAY too rushed. For so much of the book up 'til now, Chase wouldn't shut up about his mother's betrayal and how he couldn't go home, and now that he does... 'til his parents catch him, it seems the most on his mind is getting caught at his mischief w/ Mal. As though sneaking into this place that used to be the home and life he took for granted, no longer has, and must now slip about through as a thief or a ghost... inspires no particular feeling in him. WTF? It would seem odd for anyone, and it's especially out of character for him.

I think it was the images of one of the werewolves "making a small nod," but I suddenly started picturing these particular werewolves much like I did those in John Skipp and Cregg Specter's ANIMALS. Read it? My favorite werewolf novel ever, so if you dig werewolves (and it seems you do), definitely give it a read!

OK, Chase keeps reiterating his plight, even aspects he should know at least a little better about by now, to the point where he's sounding like a broken record, and by extension so are those who keep having to repeat the same retorts to him. It's getting to be a bit much!

As to his first meditation excersize... If I may ask a personal question, do you have any experience with meditation and such? If so, you might try drawing on that to lend more specificity - and by extension, credibility - to Chase's eventual success at getting his mind "blissfully blank." As it stands, one minute he's having trouble with it, then he's not, as though it really is easily done as said, which seems wildly out of character for him. Silver could at least give him more pointers - breathing techniques, etc - that could also strengthen her character as a mentor figure, rather than just another exposition mouthpiece.

"A gasp escaped his lips...able to slam the door shut again" VERY nice! Feels palpable, a glimpse of things to come!

On a side note, I don't know how accurate this is to your intentions, but I keep picturing Silver looking like Emmi Lou Harris :-)

Story progresses nicely through third chapter, and my interest is deepening.

I appreciate the way you handle the sequence of events of Chase getting bitten and turning as a brief italicized flashback - Had the same been the opening of the novel, with a liniar lead-in of him realizing what he'd been turned into, it'd have felt like just another werewolf tale I'd heard a million times and I'd have lost interest quick. Here, though, it works much better.

In the brief description of the soccar game, I'd like to feel a bit more visceral grit in the physical action - like scraped knees in the grass as he falls and slides, his body's ache afterwards, stuff like that. Werewolves are about the most primal mythological mythological metahuman critter I can think of, so if you're writing from the point of view of one - even his memories before he was turned - make it feel primal! Hell, if you're comfortable with this, give his feelings of physical/romantic attraction to female characters a downright politically incorrect edge. I know he's a nice, likeable guy, and a seemingly shy one at that, and this is a YA story, but he's a teenage guy who's just become a werewolf! I don't know where to START on how that's a recipe for trouble.

Come to think of it, beyond occasionally snarling at someone in surprise, I'm not really seeing much change in Chase from whom he presumably was before thanks to now being a werewolf. As I said, you did a very good job putting us physically there with him through the horrifying experience of being captured. So delve a bit deeper into what it's physically/psychologically/emotionally like to *be a werewolf* instead of solely phocusing on so much teen angst about the situation he's in for being so. For example, is working out in the weight room any different for him now? Maybe he has enhanced strength/coordination? Otherwise his lycanthropy is basically a McGuffin, and he might as well be any fill-in-the-blank metahuman critter for the purposes of your plot.

Still, it *is* a good plot, and I'm increasingly curious about this ensamble of characters you're building.

"All glass and chrome instead there was..." This seems like SOME kind of typo...

Vixin fiddling with her ring makes me wonder about said ring, if it's gonna come up somewhere else. Or maybe that's just me.

No eating other residents??? Aaaaaaaawwwww... This place doesn't sound very fun at all! ;-]

"Not like your normal." - you're, not your.

I think I'm liking this weird bunch, especially things like the playful bickering between Mal and Phoenix. I'm tempted to say it's feeling *too* laid back in some ways, not enough of the tension I'd think there'd be, on top of the natural tension of these being bickersome kids. But I'm gonna wait and see.

I dig this opening scene - hits the ground running, basically tosses the reader in sink or swim, which I personally love in a story. Blood filling the mouth that he's afraid to spit out is a particularly wonderful image. However, a pounding heart that someone's afraid will be heard and rough heavy breathing are a bit cliche... Accurate under such circumstances to the point of unavoidability sometimes, but they stick out when you open the first paragraph with them. Actually, the first couple paragraphs are far too full of that sort of thing... One suggestion is to simply open with the first line of dialogue, then reintegrate all that largely internal description into the action you go onto describe. I like how you handle the tranquelizer gun from Chase's POV - You had me going "So what IS the deal with that weird-looking gun, anyway?" Then made me go WTF? when our seeming protagonist gets shot with it, then I went, "Oh, a tranq gun! I should've guessed..."

"Quickly, Silver, more tranquilizer" -- "Quickly" sounds a bit stilted... Granted, I don't know this character yet (maybe it's perfectly internally logical for him to talk like such), but I read that line and *want* to hear "Silver, quick, get more tranquelizer!" Incidentally, I'm liking your use of names, stopping just short of "Pilgrim's Progress" territory, working nicely so far.

Far too much of Chase-waking-up-and-meeting-Vixen feels trite, too by-the-numbers "Someone wakes up after being knocked out, is woozy at first, gets cautioned to take it easy, followed by a nice little Q&A exposition setion." Examples I can think of where this has been avoided in the same sort of scene via witty, interesting characterization: Stu Redman arguing with the kidnapping doctor in THE STAND, James Bond waking up on Pussy Galour's plain in the movie GOLDFINGER. What finally saves this scene is when Vixen's personality starts specifying itself... I think I like this girl. Though if you're going for a re-examination of what vampires and such would be like if they existed... why would a vampire who WASN'T a "tortured soul" WANT to keep up any such image? I suppose I'll find out...

I like little quirks you give it, such as what I guess you'd call a "gramatical characterization" where most of the time "werewolf" is spelled like so, but in Chase's dialogue, it's "were-wolf".

"Welcome to the institute Chase" needs a comma.

Jinxy,

It seems to me that you've done yourself a terrible disservice by starting your story at the tail end of what could have been an exciting chase. I also believe that, along with the bite history, the chase and capture scene could fill your fist chapter. It's very exciting, and the way you ended it, with Chase losing consciousness, makes a great hook to turn on to the next chapter.

You already know that there's work to be done here, so (skipping nitty gritty) I focused my attention on your story. The beginning is great and chapters five and six are also engaging with the introduction of danger, taking risks, etc... I think that two, three and four are lacking in action. Not to say that every chapter needs conflict, but you might want to expand on the tiffs that you've already inserted there to give your characters some more friction. And/or condense them (the chapters). Those three felt sort of like one long chapter since they all related to Chase's introduction to his new home. Undoubtedly the information you give there is important, but without a balance of significant events, information chapters become a chore to read.

My only other suggestion will be to take note of where you use 'was' prior to another verb: example: he was preparing; he was hoping, or whaterver. These, I saw a lot of and they slow down the flow of the story. Say, 'he hoped' ; 'he prepared'. Not only will this cut down on excess words, it comes out sounding more decisive and assured.

Hope this helps and happy writing!
MAP

This is a nice little urban fantasy. The writing is smooth and there weren't many things in the writing that jarred me out of the story.

It may just be me, but it seemed to lose momentum somewhat toward the end of the first chapter and the beginning of the second. I like the dialogue and the setting up of characters, but I felt as though the plot essentially paused from the last part of chapter one through the end of chapter three. By the end of chapter three I felt that you had a good setup in the 'orphanage' and a good set of characters, but I didn't have a sense of where the plot was going.

In this age of short attention spans I'm not sure you have that long to get people involved in wherever your plot is going. You may have dropped some hints that I missed. If you did, you might want to make them a little more prominent. I would say you need some foreshadowing of the main plot direction by toward the end of chapter one, with occasional references back to it in the next two chapters as you develop the characters.

Just some impressions from a fellow aspiring writer. As I mentioned, I like the setup and the characters, and the writing is generally smooth, so this does have potential. Good luck with it.