Book Jacket

 

rank 5335
word count 14539
date submitted 18.01.2009
date updated 20.06.2011
genres: Fiction, Fantasy, Young Adult, Come...
classification: universal
incomplete

Under a Full Moon

N.S Dorrington

He was normal. Ordinary. Now he is anything but, and there are people out there who want him dead. Time to chose a side.

 

When Chase is bitten by a wild dog, he’s worried he might get rabies. Becoming a werewolf is the last thing on his mind.
After his first change - when he accidentally mauls a man - he finds himself on the run from a shadowy Government organisation known only as the Department.
He finds refuge at a place called The Institute, filled with other kids just like him. Werewolves, Vampires, witches, and a shape-shifter called Vixen.
But the Department is still out there, and now they want to offer him a deal. His life and freedom in exchange for killing a man the government wants dead. It’s up to him to show them he’s not going to be used.

 
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tags

, friendship, love, vampires, werewolves

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 Chapter One – On the Run

   

Chase crouched behind the bin, panting for breath. He clutched at a stitch in his side, heart pounding like a steel drum. Blood filled his mouth from a gash to his lip tasting coppery and thick, coating his teeth and tongue.

Rain dripped into his eyes and down the back of his collar from a broken drainpipe. He blinked the water from his lashes. His head was spinning sickeningly and he felt nauseous. He needed rest, and food, but there was no time for that. All he could do was run; run and hide and pray they never found him. He shifted awkwardly, trying to ease cramped muscles. The space between the wall and the bin was too small to accommodate his six-foot frame, and his shoulders were scraping against the brickwork.

The light from the streetlamp reached less than a foot into the alleyway, leaving the rest in darkness; Chase could only just make out the stack of crates a little further down, and rubbish spilled across the ground from a bin.

He sucked in another breath, feeling the cool air sting his throat and lungs and shuddered as he heard the sound of footsteps approaching the alley.

“The kid came down here.”

Chase chanced a quick glance out from behind the bin. Two men stood silhouetted against the orange glow of the streetlamp. One was looking down the street, the other peering into the alleyway.

“Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t…but I’m not going to go down there and look. They’re vicious when they’re cornered.” The smaller of the two men glanced away from the street and then back again. He shifted from foot to foot.

“Do you want to get paid?” The taller man took two steps into the alley and Chase tensed. “We got a bounty. We don’t bring him in, we don’t get the money.” He took another two steps.

The smaller man clenched his fists at his sides, grimaced and reached into his jacket. The light glinted on the metal of a gun as he followed his companion into the alley. They were edging forward, watching every shadow for movement.

Chase took a deep breath and waited until they were only feet away from him before springing. He caught the larger man full in the chest, sending him reeling backwards into the brick wall. They both fell but Chase rolled away and scrambled upright. The man was still struggling to his feet as Chase whirled around only to come face to face with the barrel of the gun. It didn’t look quite like a normal gun, but the dark hole of the barrel looked real enough. The gun lashed out and smashed into his temple. Lights exploded behind his eyes and he staggered backwards.

“Easy now boy,” the smaller man said softly as Chase regained his footing and lunged back towards him. “I don’t want to hurt you. I get paid more if I take you in alive…”

Chase took another step forward and snarled, revealing unnaturally sharp teeth, and eyes that for a moment seemed to glow yellow.

The man sighed, and pulled the trigger.

Staggering back with the impact Chase looked down, expecting to see blood, instead he saw a small feathered dart. Numbness spread across his chest and his vision blurred.

“What…what did you…”

“Don’t worry kid, you’ll be fine.” The man holstered his gun, watching as Chase stumbled back against the wall. The other man stepped forward and grabbed Chase before he fell, twisting his arms up behind him.

Chase fought the darkness creeping in at the edge of his vision, and struggled against the fingers digging into his upper arms. But the darkness and numbness were winning.

“You might want to let him go…”

The voice sounded like it was coming from the end of a long tunnel. Chase blinked and tried to focus his blurred vision. Someone stood behind the smaller of the two men. A man with a pale face and frighteningly blue eyes.

 

 

It was the end of August and for once an English summer was living up to expectations. At eight in the evening, it was still light, and the warm air was stirred by the faintest of breezes.

The grass of the Common had turned slightly brown, but it still passed as a football, cricket and rugby field to the local kids. At the far end t-shirts and bottles of water were doubling as the markers for a try-line and a group of seventeen and eighteen year olds sweated and panted in just their shorts.

“Chase! Pass the bloody ball!”

Chase sidestepped one of the opposition as they tried to tackle him. “No chance. I’m scoring this one!”

The next flying tackle caught him round the knees and he stretched himself out to slam the ball down on the other side of the try-line markers.

He gasped for breath even as one of the others nudged him none too gently with one foot.

“Mike, I think you killed him.”

“Just winded!” Chase groaned and sat up with one hand still to his ribs. “I scored though.”

He was helped to his feet and his team mates slapped him on the back whilst the others roundly abused him.

He glanced at his watch as he grabbed the ball off the ground. “Now I’d love to give you lot the chance to equalise, but I’ve gotta get home. Mum wants me to have a family dinner before I head back to school.” He made a face as he dug his t-shirt out of the pile and pulled it over his head.

“Yeah right, you’re just worried we’ll kick your arse,” Mike said slapping him on the back. “Never mind, we’ll do it when you’re back for Christmas.”

He laughed. “In your dreams. See you later guys,” he waved one hand over his shoulder as he made his way out of the park and onto the main road. It was just getting dark as he crossed the road and cut down a back alley.. The sun was on the horizon, but overhead the full moon had already risen. Green wheelie bins stuck out of garden gates and a startled cat shot over a fence as he approached. Other than that the night was quiet and still.

Half way home the silence was broken by a growl from behind him. He paused and looked back. Nothing moved. He turned to keep walking when he heard the padding of paws on the tarmac behind him. He stopped again.

The deep throated growl started again, and grew louder. Padding out of the shadows came the biggest dog he had ever seen. In the moonlight he couldn’t work out what breed it was, all he saw were gleaming fangs.

The monster sprang towards him and he tried to dodge out of the way. One great paw caught him on the shoulder and he stumbled and fell backwards. The creature was on him in seconds, its hot breath on his face. The next moment all he felt was excruciating pain.

 

 

It was like moving through thick fog. Chase’s entire body felt like lead, and his eyes wouldn’t open. He knew he was awake though. He could sense movement around him, and could hear the clinking of metal, the purring of a machine – and voices.

“They nearly got another one then?” A woman’s voice, low with a rich timbre. He felt fingers brush his forehead.

“Do they have to be so rough with them, Peter?” she spoke again.

They? A memory stirred in Chase’s sluggish mind. Two men. Guns. And blue eyes. He fought to wake up properly, but his body was unresponsive. There had been someone else in the alley…

The man called Peter spoke. “Sometimes they don’t have a choice.” Chase heard the clacking of keys. “Look.”

“Lycanthropy?” The woman asked.

“Almost definitely. It’s quite close to the full moon as well. They would have struggled to restrain him. You know how the wolf can take over.”

They knew; they knew what he was. Chase fought harder to wake up, and realised why he couldn’t move; he was strapped down. Leather straps bound his legs and arms to cold metal, and another crossed over his chest.

“He’s waking up!” The man had moved closer to Chase. “Quickly, Silver, fetch another dose of tranquilizer. He’ll hurt himself. He doesn’t know his own strength yet.

With what felt like superhuman effort, Chase managed to open his eyes. The first thing he saw was an older man leaning over him. The man’s glasses were set so far down his nose that they were in danger of falling off, and his grey hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in a month. He was smiling though. A reassuring, fatherly smile.

“Calm down. Relax, you’re safe.”

Chase struggled against his bonds, and managed to rip one arm out of the strap holding it. The woman approached with a syringe in her hand. He knocked it away.

“Who are you? What are you doing to me?” Chase wanted to shout and rage at them, but all he could manage was a whisper.

“We’re trying to help. Please calm down…!”

“No…you’re with them…those men!” He fought harder. “They tried to kill me…”

“No they didn’t. They darted you…to bring you in to the Department safely, but we got to you in time.”

“Who? What?” Chase fought to remember, and then he felt a sharp prick in his arm. He turned his head to see the silver haired woman stepping away, the syringe back in her hand. He looked at her in horror as the room began to spin around him.

“Why the hell didn’t he tell the boy he was there to help?” He heard Silver ask.

“The Department must have reached him first. He ran from them, and when Maladict turned up he must have assumed they were all on the same side.” Peter sounded old and tired.

Chase was losing consciousness again, but just before he completely passed out he was sure he heard Silver say something about a vampire. Just where in the world had he ended up?

 

The ceiling was so white that it hurt Chase’s eyes when he finally came to; a bright fluorescent light buzzed overhead.  He winced and snapped them shut again; listening instead. Somewhere close by he could hear the soft purr of a machine, a gentle and regular beeping, and the sound of distant voices.

Then, very close at hand, he heard something else.

“I know you’re there,” he said, without opening his eyes. “I can hear you breathing.”

He heard a soft exclamation; female was Chase’s guess - a gentle hand covered his eyes.

Open your eyes slowly. The sedative can make you a bit sensitive to light. Let me know when they stop hurting, and I’ll move my hand.” Her voice was soft, young, and more than a little timorous.

Chase slowly opened his eyes. At first he could see nothing, but then the girl lifted her hand slightly and light filtered in. He could make out the contours of her fingers, and the glint of a simple silver ring.

After a few minutes he nodded, and the hand lifted. He looked up into a pair of green eyes framed by dark lashes – and then she was gone.

“Who are you? Where am I? What happened?”

“One question at a time,” the girl said with a soft chuckle. She moved around just out of his line of vision and returned with a cup of water. She set it down on the table beside him and helped him to sit up. He winced as the movement sent sharp shooting pains across his chest, and made his head spin sickeningly. An IV line was attached to his arm and two small disks had been stuck to the bare skin of his chest, wre

He took a sip of water. “Who are you?”

“My name’s Sarah,” she moved away from him again; he craned his neck trying to keep her in sight. At first he’d thought she was quite young, but looking at her more closely, he guessed she was about the same age as him, just rather petite and fine boned. “Most people around here just call me Vixen.”

“Why are you here? Where is here?” He coughed as his throat protested its lack of use. He gulped down more water and twisted his neck to keep his eye on her as she moved around the room.

“You really don’t know?” she looked at him quizzically and sighed. “You’re in the Institute…”

“The Institute of what?”   

“Nothing, just ‘The Institute’,” She reached out one hand to touch his face and he flinched away. She rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to hurt you, but you’ve got a nasty gash on your head and I just need to check it…”

“What are you? Some kind of nurse?” He was still defensive, but let her touch his scalp with gentle fingers. He winced as she brushed the throbbing lump where the gun had caught him.

“I’m not a nurse, no. Peter often asks me to watch over the new arrivals…” she gave him a tiny smile. “He thinks I have a calming influence.”

“Who’s Peter?”

She chuckled, “You know, most new arrivals are so dazed they can barely string two words together when they first wake up. You on the other hand…”

“Hey, listen, the last thing I remember was being chased by two lunatics with guns…one of them shot me. Then I wake up here. I want to know what’s going on.”

She looked at him intently for a moment, and glanced towards the door at the end of the room. “Alright. Do you know why those men where chasing you?”

Chase looked away, his whole body stiffening. “Because…because I’m different.”

“Because you’re a werewolf,” Vixen corrected him.

There was no fear in her voice. No revulsion. For a moment Chase was so shocked that he simply stared at her.

“You’re not the only one.” Vixen said with a shrug.

“Are you a were-wolf?”

She rolled her eyes, “No, I’m a shape-shifter. I can take on the form of almost any animal I like. I prefer foxes. But we have all sorts here. Witches, psychics, werewolves, vampires…the list goes on.”

“Why are they all here though? What exactly is the Institute?” Her blasé answers were starting to irritate him.

“I suppose it’s a children’s home of sorts. Silver and Peter rescue kids from The Department all the time…”

“The Department…?

“Those lovely gentlemen who smacked you over the back of the head and tranquilised you…”

The new voice spoke from the doorway and Chase turned to look. A young man lounged against the doorframe. He was tall, easily six foot or more, and almost too slim for his height. Dark hair was worn long to his shoulders and his eyes were such a light blue that they looked almost clear. There was something familiar about him.

As the man stepped into the room Chase felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and a growl started low in his throat.

“Easy…good doggy…” the man said, approaching the bed.

Chase grimaced and flushed, embarrassed by the involuntary noise. “Sorry…”

“Don’t be. It’s a natural reaction to my kind.”

“Your kind?” Chase forced the words out between clenched teeth as he tried to keep the growl in.

“Vampire.” He smiled, revealing two perfect, elongated canines. “Maladict’s the name.”

Chase tried not to flinch when Maladict held out his hand to shake. It felt cold and his skin was dry as paper. “Chase.”

“Welcome to the Institute Chase…”

“Thanks…I think.” He frowned at the vampire. The word sounded strange even in his own head. A month ago if someone had calmly introduced themselves as a vampire he would have suggested that a stay in the loony bin was urgently required. But a month ago he had transformed in to a snarling beast, so he was about ready to accept anything. “Do I know you?”

Maladict shrugged, “We met. Very briefly. I just came by to make sure that you were still alive.” He glanced at the beeping machines and then back at Chase. “Which you are. I’ll leave you to Vixen.”

“Is he always like that?” Chase asked as the door swung shut behind him.

Vixen glanced towards the door. “What? You mean sarcastic, and just a little bit patronising?” She shrugged. “He’s a vampire, he can’t help it. I think it comes from having to keep up the whole tortured soul image.”

Chase held back a smile as he caught Vixen’s eye, but then he turned serious. This is crazy, this whole place is crazy. Vixen gave him a soft, gentle smile.

“You’ll get used to it round here…it’ll take a while, but…”

She stopped talking as the door opened again. An older man stepped into the room. He smiled when he saw Chase sitting up.

“How is our patient, Miss Metcalfe?” He asked Vixen as he inspected the monitors.

“The patient is fine,” Chase said, irritated at being talked about as though he wasn’t there. He tugged the two small rubber disks off his chest and swung his legs round off the bed. “Are you Peter? I get the impression that I’m going to be staying here a while. Am I some kind of prisoner?”

“No!” Peter turned, his eyes wide. “Of course you’re not a prisoner…”

Chase hesitated briefly and then stood up. “In that case, I want to get out of here.”

Vixen coughed loudly and studiously inspected the ceiling.

Chase glanced down. “Ok…what happened to my clothes? I want them back, and then I want to get out of here.

“It’s not that simple, Mr Finn.” Peter handed him a pair of shorts and waved at him to sit down. “Do you know who informed the Department about you?”

Chase sat down slowly, “There were only two people who knew I’d been bitten…”

“Your mother and father…”

Chase nodded, “But surely…they wouldn’t…”

“It was my brother, in my case” Vixen said, “He saw me change once…next thing I knew, two agents from the Department were knocking on the front door.”

“It doesn’t make sense. What did they do? Look in the Yellow Pages for an ad…’Has your son just turned into a monster? We can help…’”

“Most of the charges I care for here were turned in by a family member Chase. People are scared of what they don’t understand…I imagine they called the police, or an ambulance. The Department has ways of tracking those kinds of calls.

“My parents wouldn’t do that…they’d accept me…”

Peter sighed, “It’s a difficult thing to accept, Chase. You’re not the young man you were a month ago.

Hands balled into fists at his sides, Chase forced his words out between clenched teeth. “I don’t care what you say. My parents would never do that to me. They’d try to help…

“And I’m sure they thought they were helping you. No doubt they assumed you needed medical attention.” Peter sighed and touched his shoulder. “Now why doesn’t Vixen show you around? Perhaps you can get some lunch.”

“I’m not really hungry…”

“Well,” Peter passed him a t-shirt and then patted him awkwardly on the arm. “I think it would be good for you to meet some of the other residents. You have a lot in common with most of them

Chase shook his head in disbelief and stormed out of the room.

 

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blindcupid wrote 1067 days ago

Hey Jinxy.
Right up front, let me say I've never read Potter, Twilight, Artemis, Pullman etcetcetc, so my knowledge of YA is, to say the least, limited...and let's not get into cross-over ;-))
However, I know what I like and I loved this.
Straight in there, no messing about. Good atomosphere, tense, nice descriptions, generally speaking. You write the fight very well, but persnoally, I'd lose that last line, or replace it - 'Then everything went dark'. You're better than that. Much.
I'm sure you're always in the process of tweaking and shifting things about - who isn't? - and maybe a slight rethink of the start of two might work.
'When Chase (finally) regained consciousness (and opened his eyes) he found himself looking at a ceiling so bright it (almost) hurt (his eyes)."
Maybe lose the brackets, or at least one of the 'eyes'.
Only opinions, obviously, but it read tighter, for me anyway.
The conversation in the dining hall had nice, natural flow to it, yet there were times when I had to stop to go back and check who was who. Difficult to pull off with many characters and it's kind of there, just needs a look .
I reckon you're onto a good thing here.
Have spot on the revolver for a while.
Reading on now.
Good luck - and keep plugging; you've only got to away from the forum for a moment and your thread slips off the radar!
Max.

Jeff Blackmer wrote 1065 days ago

Jinxy!
This is your story. I don't associate the name of the author with Jinxy. It's been on my watchlist for awhile and I'm glad I read this. It's good! An original take on the story. I was expecting for Chase to start out getting bit, but he's already a werewolf. That nasty government, always wanting to use things like this for a secret weapon.
Well written, vivid, the story pulls you along easily. On my shelf!
Jeff

DKTD1 wrote 722 days ago

I love the idea, sort of a trade school for old school monsters :) It's also nice to have the action start right away so that we (readers) are learning along with the star. If I had one complaint, it is that Chase's name appears roughly one bazillion times in the first chapter. Other than that, it's great!
Backed.

Dan,
Eunice and Ethan

AmyJ09 wrote 760 days ago

Hello Jinxy,
Just checking in to see if you added anything new the Chase's story (I have been keeping it on my watchlist). Would love to read more if and when you have it.

Amy J
A RISING MOON: The Secret & The Promise

AmyJ09 wrote 786 days ago

Hello Jinxy,
Bet you never thought you would hear from me, but I finally had a chance to read UNDER A FULL MOON. Of course I loved it! As you said, us wereewolf writers have to stick together.
I would love to read more and see where Chase's new life leads him and hope that Vixen is a part of it.
Best of Luck!
Amy J
A RISING MOON

Adrian.A.Moore wrote 813 days ago

You have ‘A month ago if…” and then ‘But a month ago…’ it would probably read better if you had ‘A few months ago if…”
I have been told I use ‘that’ too often and I think you do too.
“I came by just to make sure that you are still alive.” He already knew Chase was only drugged so why the question about being alive. You don’t need ‘just’ or ‘that’.
“How is our patient, Miss Metcalfe?” he asked Vixen as he inspected the monitors.
If you need to tell her name, maybe she should tell Chase earlier and ‘he asked Vixen’ is obvious from the words used.
“My real name is Sarah Metcalfe, but most people call me Vixen.”
“Now why doesn’t Vixen show you around?” - I would change this.
I got the impression from his moods and conversation that he was younger than 17. For YA it may be better to have his age as 14/15.
I like this type of story and you have a great plot. I think it still needs work to tighten up but I will back it.

Adrian
Jack and Boots

andyroo wrote 817 days ago

You have a good hold on action - maintaining pace and tension are very well done here. It doesn't feel clogged up with unecessary words, and the dialogue is pretty slick too. Overall, I think this is a well written book, and I think your school/hostel idea for werewolves is a neat one.

Andrew

bred flink wrote 819 days ago

Your action scenes are top notch. Characters are real and from the outset the reader wants to know where they're headed. This is a very readable novel and will surely find a publisher.

mike hart
aka bred flink

the dragon flies wrote 821 days ago

[Under a full moon]

You succeed in creating something that is at times believable, and isn't at others. For example: when Peter tells Chase his parents turned him in, that is a part that lacks something. I mean, I can see his parents call a medic or something and that the Department picks these up, somehow.

The doctor who is called will not be part of the Department, I'm sure. Surely news of this must have gone out, especially since there are other children. Somehow the world must have caught on - especially since so many people get involved (the family of each witch, vampire, Wherewolf, ... - their doctor, family, school friends).

Let the discovery happen differently. He is bitten by a dog. His parents will have called a medic then, if only to take care of him. They took his blood and send it to a lab to test. Maybe certain tests always trigger the Department and when they see the results... Well, they have a reason to act upon that information without implicating his parents.

Also, try to structure the info that is dumped upon Chase. He sees Vixen, he has a lot of questions, but let her not answer all of them. Keep the Vampire out of the picture for a few pages more - until Peter was able to explain most.

Take your time to explain it, and down't dump all that data on your readers this quickly. Spread it a bit more, this will make it more accessible as well.

I loved the pitch and the start. Well done. I find a story that needs editing, but that is slowly turning into a diamond.

Good luck and backed.

Peter
(A Shadow In A Shady Country)

Clare Hill wrote 821 days ago

The dialogue is excellent and flows really well. Some of the descriptive sentences might benefit from a tweak like I've done with this one, for instance - Rain from a broken drainpipe dripped into his eyes and down the back of his collar.
You've managed to give your werewolves, shapeshifters etc real human personalities, which allows the reader to empathise. Backed.

Nick Poole2 wrote 825 days ago

Good start with Chase hiding. Immediate involvement.

Point of view seems to slip when he shows his teeth and his eyes glow yellow. Can't he just show his teeth and snarl? We'll get the message.

I think this would work better RIGHT in Chase's skin. See and react as he does.

Glimpses a gun barrel. He ducks and scrambles for cover. A shot crashes in his ears.. His mind whirls You know the stuff.

Once he wakes up in the Institute Of Monsters I think we get a bit too much info dump and not enough conflict. Why not do something preposterous? A kiss? These are supernatural creatures and have Glamours and Allures and all sorts. Have him a lot more suspicious and incidentally give him plenty of intrigue to be worried about!

All in all though, plenty good enough for the shelf. Have you read "Bitten" by, er, Kelley Armstrong, I think. Sexy werewolves in there.

CamilleS wrote 825 days ago

This is well done. There are a lot of vampire books out there now. but I think with your cast of unusual characters, you have the potential for an engaging story. I think kids will like this. Well done! Backing.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly
The Hobble Knobble Gobble Tree

mmcdonald64 wrote 826 days ago

Under a Full Moon--


I think you have a good thing going here. All the ingredients for a YA novel that should hook readers. I love how you have a variety of different supernatural characters, that they aren't all werewolves or vampires. That adds to the story.

Chase is a believable and sympathetic character even when he's acting kind of like a jerk. He has a valid reason to lose his cool, so it's understandable, and in fact, needed, for him to be believable. If he was stoic and accepting with no anger, he'd be *too* perfect.

The only thing missing, after reading four chapters, was another plot. As interesting as Chase and the Institute is, I'm not sure what is going to happen next. Chase is learning how to control things, so once he does that, then what? I'm sure you have more planned, but you might want to drop a few hints. I'm guessing that this mysterious Department will have a role, so if you just sprinkle in a few hints, or some foreboding on the part of other characters, that could help drive readers to continue.

There were a few typos and grammar problems, mostly commas where you should have had periods around dialogue. In the beginning of chapter two, you have a typo where you have dinning instead of dining. You have it spelled correctly later, so I'm sure it's just a typo. Also, at one point, Chase leans his head against a door. You have lent. Even though I'm not Brit, I'm pretty sure you meant leant. ;-)

Good luck with this, and shelving.

Leigh Fallon wrote 826 days ago

Hi Jinxy
I love this, theres a whole Xmen with vampires and warewolves vibe going on. Fantastic mix of fantasy and boarding school senario with the institute. It would have the reader wishing they could attend too. This is the kind of book I'd buy.
Good luck with this. Backed.
Leigh Fallon
The Carrier of the Mark

j.galindo wrote 828 days ago

This is very, very good. I particularly love your beginning, with the very vivid panic Chase is feeling. That first paragraph is amazing, got me hooked instantly. In the first chapter, the contrast between the past and present is very dramatic, and I think it serves the story very well. Your dialogue felt natural, which is hard to do when giving so much information.
I loved this, will keep reading and will go on my shelf.
J

soutexmex wrote 829 days ago

If you need a critical comment let me know and I can swing back by; if not, then enjoy the SHELVING backing!

I could use your insightful comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Jane Alexander wrote 829 days ago

I do like this very much indeed. It's a little X Men, a tad Sky High but you make the material your own and it's a really great YA read. You've got the pitch just right (IMHO), ditto language, dialogue and there's that vital pinch of offbeat humour too. Nothing snagged at me, I just read along for sheer pleasure and would have happilykept going were t his not on screen.
backed with absolute certainty.
Jane
WALKER

If you get a chance, I'd love to know what you think of my YA....very different....though there ARE vampire babies in it. ;)

sjbal wrote 832 days ago

Hi,
If you don't mind me being blunt, yhis is bloody brilliant. The more vampire/warewolf books I read on this site, the more I seem to like, but this is one of th ebest I've sampled yet. I love the way you switched from past to present in the first chapter, it could have been awkward, but it was executed brilliantly. I have only sampled a couple of chapters so far, but that is more than enought to warrant a place on my shelf.
Best of luck,
James (The Lycetta Legacy).

MickR wrote 833 days ago

Hello again Jinxy,
As promised I'm here with comments.
Your writing is excellent. Your characters are likable. I especially like Chase's introduction to The Institute.
The host of different types of the fantastic, wrapped in the bodies of school aged children, with their age appropriate behavior is almost real. And, when deal with this level of unreal that is a compliment.

A few nits I will mention:
In your short pitch choose.

Ch1
His head was spinning [sickeningly] and he felt nauseous. remove sickeningly, it isn't needed. Sometime less is more.

Rubbish spilled scross the ground from a[n overturned] bin. overturned gives the sentence a bit more clarity.

two small disks had been stuck to the bare skin of his chest, wre ????? you didn't finish this sentence.

Ok, I'm off to put this on my shelf.

MickR - The Nightcrawler

Chuckster wrote 835 days ago

Hey Jinxy, I left you a comment a few days ago and I finally read some more and I love it. This is right up my ally. The whole monster thing in the Institute is such a great story that you are developing so well. And as far as editing goes, I didn't see anything wrong with it!!1 I'm backing this for you and still have a few chaps left to read. See you soon.

cost0979 wrote 836 days ago

Jinxy,
I loved being thrown into the action immediately. In my opinion, it doesn't seem to happen often enough. I really love the idea you're going with--two institutions that handle the paranormal creatures. It's really interesting to see an idea similar to my own done in such a different way, and I love it! There are some rough spots and awkward lines, but nothing that can't be fixed with editing. The story itself is something I could sit down and read on my couch. After a bit of tightening up, you'll have something fantastic. If you would like a list or more details, let me know! I'm always willing to help someone with great potential, especially in my own genre.
This is on my shelf!
Alisha

Jo Ellis wrote 838 days ago

This is great and should not have a red arrow.

I love this from the start, your writing is lovely and I would read this to the end. I want my paperback copy! But since no-one has been sensible enough to publish you, I will be keeping it on my w/list to indulge in later and pester you to load it all when I have time to read.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Chuckster wrote 838 days ago

This is right up my alley. After reading your pitch, I was hooked. I placed this on my watchlist for further reading and will comment thereafter!!! Again I love the pitch and if this were sitting on a bookstand, I would have opened to look at the first chap. See you later!!

ABorton wrote 839 days ago

This story reminded me a lot about X-Men - not sure if that's good or bad. But your writing is excellent. For me, just the right amount of desription and action, and the dialogue is very natural.

Shelved.
Best of luck.
Andrea
YA - The Funeral

Joanna Price wrote 839 days ago

Great opening. In fact great 1st chapter full stop. Your dialogue is strong as well - natural and unforced. I've got a son and I find it increasingly difficult to find things to keep him interested in reading. But I think, when he's a couple of years older, this would be a perfect book for him.

paxie wrote 840 days ago

NS Green
This is not usually my scene, but I have 2 teenagers, and so there is quite alot of YA lying scattered around the house....I've got to say, although you have a considerable amount of competition in this genre, your writing certainly puts you in a position where in my opinion you hold your own.......

I enjoyed this, I could quite see Chase in my minds eye after only one chapter....

Best of luck with this.. Backed.

S.D. Gillen wrote 840 days ago

Your catchy title caught my eye. When I started reading, I was glad. Good story!
I like reading about shape shifters. And Werewolves. I like the humor in your story too. I think kids need more of it.
The beginning kept me involved and I feel for Chase, wanting him to be safe.
Thanks for the good read.
Backed by SD Gillen

S.L. Madden wrote 844 days ago

Jinxy,

I had a feeling lunch was going to be a treat today, both because I had ordered one of my favorite Subway sandwiches and because I was looking forward to reading your book. Fortunately, your writing has taken away my disappointment in the sandwich (I’m fairly certain my $6.25 entitles me to more than two olive slices, thank you).

First off, I love supernatural/creatures/magic/powers, so I’m very much your target audience. I like the way you start with Chase on the run and then visit the night of his attack later (I found the attack itself was rather rushed, but it certainly works). The introductions to the other residents are well done and I think you did a good job balancing Chase’s feelings of surprise at his new environments with his disbelief his parents turned him in.

The writing itself is well done and easy to read. I’ve only made it through the first three chapters so far (I spent the first half of my lunch watching them half-hazardly throw those two olive slices on my sandwich), but I definitely plan to read the rest of what you have posted. There are a few instances of tags that are capitalized when they shouldn’t be (…” He said.). In chapter two, there’s a line, “It’s not like your normal.” which should be “you’re”. And there were a few things that stood out, (Chapter One: “Her cryptic answers were starting to irritate him.” I didn’t really feel her answers were all that cryptic. She came right out and told him there were witches and vampire and what-not there. Also, in Chapter 3, you say Chase really needs to be alone and then a few sentences later, he seems bummed that he’s never been so alone.)

Thanks for the good read!

~Steve

Helena wrote 897 days ago

Hi Jinxy, I love the idea and your writing is strong, I was a little confused at the beginning as to whether Chase was an animal or human but got sorted pretty quickly.

As I said enjoyed it, I'm a YA fan!
Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Krista Darrach wrote 932 days ago

Under a Full Moon--
Jinxy,
I love YA (I write YA) - however I'm not really into sci-fi or fantasy...
But you had me hooked on this one. I love your characters and your dialog. (I love dialog).
I think the premise is good and a lot of kids will eat it up.
Good luck to you!
On my shelf!
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift

Paolito wrote 933 days ago

Under a Full Moon...

Gripping...and Chase is certainly a sympathetic character.

Only one nit about the writing...adverbs...get rid of them (Noah Lukeman, The First Five Pages: adverbs are a reason for rejection.

I love your premise and the execution in your first three chapters (your partial). Based on that, I'm shelving.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

Fred Le Grand wrote 954 days ago

I did see a forum comment on someone's book along the lines of 'your book has vampires and I don't like vampires'.
I haven't read enough to comment on plot or structure, because this isn't my kind of book.
I can say that you write very well. It is an enjoyable read and it flows well.
The dialogue maybe needs a bit of work becuase you break it up a bit too much for my liking and it slows the pace. Using nothing or 'he said' 'she said' is maybe enough and the reader can then follow the dialogue a bit better.
In the up front action scene in the alley, try making the sentences shorter. One writer told me once that there is no place for 'and' or 'but' in a fight scene. The shorter the sentence, the quicker it is read and in an action scene that can only be good.
The over all thing here is the writing is sound. The narrative progresses well and the characterisation is excellent.
I like this and have backed it because of the writing.
Don't take anyone's advice unless you look at their work in case they can't write.
Best,
Fred.
(Swords across the Rhenus)

SimonW wrote 1032 days ago

Hi Jinxy

I've gone through the first three chapters. It's good and I quite liked it, but you want more than "good", "quite" or even "liked" - you want the reaction to be "brilliant", "loved" or "was blown away". There's little to fault with the writing. So, if I was to make constructive suggestions I'd say you have three things to look at: suspense; impact; and pace. I'll try to be more specific and will nitpick as I go, but I'll try to keep it constructive. Quick warning: I'm rarely tactful... so please don't be offended.

Set-up in CH1 is good - first few paras have real atmosphere, and a whiff of suspense... but run into the buffers when you let the characters start flapping their lips. If you can tighten it right up, you'll increase the pace. Look out for redundancy (eg running for his life from two men who wanted to kill him... what, instead of running for his life from two men who wanted to give him a haircut?) and an excess of detail (stretched one leg then the other; why not just stretch his legs - same thing but faster). Especially with action scenes, less is more - pare them down as much as you can.

I found the cross-fade to waking up in the institute a bit... less clear than it could be. Not bad, but I was having to fill in the gaps for myself. Can you find a way to make it easier for the reader? Put them more clearly inside Chase's head as the lights go out? And really ramp up the suspense/fear/anxiety? It should be the first big dramatic climax of the book... but at the moment it's just a bit of a blur. Which may be what it would feel like to be hit with a tranq - but doesn't make for maximum thrills from the tale-telling point of view.

I think the characterisations were excellent, with particularly nicely defined characters in Chase and Vixen. It's a personal-taste thing - I struggled with the name Vixen. To X-Men for me, but that could just be me being an old fart. I thought Maladict was much more on the money - all the right vibes but without feeling cliched. However, that's a real subjective thing. So, yeah, you can probably forget that one. However, you have a lot of other characters building up at once. Would you be better off having a more restricted cast to start off with, so you can develop them one at a time?

As a general thing, I did think there was too much dialogue and not enough thinking and describing going on in the Institute. I struggled to get a sense of place or scale for it. There wasn't half the atmosphere of the opening in the alley. Can you flow some of that richer description in there?

While the dialogue establishes character nicely, it feels pretty slow and in places it's less convincing than in others (it was better in CH3 - more flowing as you got more comfortable with the characters). I think largely it slows the pace quite a lot. And people talking will always have less impact than people doing. So if there's more doing and less talking... more dramatic tension on the page. Which is good.

For me, everything comes too easily for Chase in the institute. Is there a way to build tension and suspense by making him work for all the info that drops in his lap? Put the reader more in his head as he joins the dots, have him less spoon-fed by Vixen?

So I hope those observations aren't too harsh. I did enjoy it, it is a nice piece of work - but if you're looking to work on it, I hope you'll find those comments helpful.

SW

John Booth wrote 1038 days ago

Really enjoyed the first chapter and you do dialogue superbly.

There is a show on the SciFi Channel called Sanctuary that cover very similar ground and you should check their website to avoid too much overlap. I think that vampire werewolf crossover stories capture the zeitgeist at the moment, so this story should be very commercial.

shayzzee wrote 1040 days ago

This is really good! I like the way you build suspense and capture the reader with the main character’s confusion. I love the action, the idea/plot and the characters.

I only saw a few punctuation problems, and since I just took an “intensive grammar” course, allow me to be annoying while critiquing your work … lol. I only do it to help though :)

**He winced as the movement sent sharp shooting pains across his chest, and made his head spin sickeningly. (Take out comma)

Commas are only used before a conjunction to connect two complete sentences. If the sentences do not stand on their own just leave it out.)

**“You really don’t know?” she looked at him quizzically and sighed. (Capital S on She)

**Peter often asks me to watch over the new arrivals…” she gave him a tiny smile. (Capital S on ‘she’, and four dots after ‘arrivals’.)

When it comes to ellipsis (…) if it ends a sentence four dots are used with no space and in between words leave a space on both sides … ridiculous, I know hahaha….)

**She looked at him intensely for a moment, and glanced towards the door at the end of the room. (Take out comma)

**Peter passed him a t-shirt and then patted him awkwardly on the arm. (I would take out ‘then’)

** “The dinning room is the other way…” (Dining, four dots)

**The vampire Maladict was sat a little further down the table. (was sat)

**”Too many to list,” A dark haired boy a few seats down leant forward. (Take out comma after list, and leant should be leaned.)

…I’m sure you get the idea, so I’ll stop. LOL … It’s all easy stuff to fix though and does not take away from the fact that you have a great story going on here. One that I really want to read more of. I have to stop for now but I will be back :) And when I get room on my bookshelf in a couple days) I will put it up there for sure!!! (Remind me if I don't k?)
Cheryl

Heidi Mannan wrote 1041 days ago

I love the genre, love your descriptions, love the story. There are so many vampire books already (and I love vampire books) but there needs to be more werewolf books on the shelves! It going on my virtual shelf at least. Best of luck!

kyronae wrote 1044 days ago

Jinxy,

Wonderful! From the very first moment you start of with amazing action and description. I love the way you build up the characters. They have a good deal of depth. Nothing superficial about them at all.

This story has a very X-Men feel to it... but I like it. You introduce the characters and the setting in a way that makes it all feel very real, without going into too much exposition. Again, great balance between action and character development. I'm really impressed and I very much enjoyed reading this excerpt. This is definitely a book I would buy. Shelved. :)

Eldias wrote 1044 days ago

Hi Jinxy,

This is a lot of fun - I'm really enjoying the tone - Chase's emotions come across very strongly, which is great to read.

I'd like a little more description in there, and perhaps a little more back story thrown in. For example, Chase shakes Maladict's hand... is it cold? Is the grip strong? Vixen's got green eyes, but you don't give us more to help paint a picture.

That said, the dialogue is good, you clearly have some great ideas about where you want to go with the story, and it's certainly engaging and easy to read, which are good things!

Just as an idea, considered comic-booking it? The right artist, it could be a real cult hit!

Justin/Eldias
The Heart of Nightmares

Holly Stacey wrote 1046 days ago

Hi Jinxy,
Right away I was hooked. You bring the action to the reader very well and your characters have amazing depth. Good luck with this, it is definately getting to the top!
You are shelved :)
Holly
(The Faerie Conspiracies)

InternetG33k wrote 1047 days ago

Hi Jinxy!

I think you're off to a solid start with this one - interesting premise, and some great dialog. Good choice to start the story off in the middle of a chase - it brings your readers right into the action. There are definitely places, especially in the beginning, that could use some tweaking, but that's what editors are for, right? *grin*

Best of luck!

~Traci

Pat Black wrote 1048 days ago

Hi Jinxy, have had this shelved for a few days now. Glad to have a look at chapter one: you have a very strong concept on the go, one that's sure to be very popular in these post-Twilight days. But tales of werewolves, vampires and other classic creatures are timeless, and I think there's a little touch of the X-Men in there, too - so you get a school element there, too. It's original in its execution though and the writing is nice and tight; it's a saleable idea, for sure, and the chase scene at the start was well handled. Although you don't name him, there's an enemy in the form of the man with "frighteningly blue eyes", as well as a love rival in the vampire (great name!) and love interest, I think, in Vixen. All the elements are there from the start, it's clear and compelling stuff.

All the best

P

Molk wrote 1050 days ago

Hey Jinxy I just read your book.

It seems to be very targetted at a teen audience ? So I am prolly not the target audience.


Your character interactions are very well written in my opinion and you clearly have quite the imagination and storytelling abillities.

The flow of the story is nice and the setting seems good.

Now from my point of view their is something a bit to much x-men like over it. And that is quite fine. But the problem for me is when you involve something such as vampires and werewolfs (As in your taglines) one expects something darker. Because those archtypes imply such things to people thrue many years virtual lore.

Now breaking pre-conceptions and using archtypes in different ways can in many ways work quite succesfully, See Twillight. But in my opinion you could replace the vampires in twilight (the movie, not read) with almost anything else thats dark, sexy and slightly scary, and the story still works.

I just think the case is that in even more instances you allienate a hole potential fanbase interrested in the archtype lore.

I can suggest you might take a look at: http://forums.white-wolf.com/cs/forums/21.aspx where you can plug your book and possible get a lot of nice feed back from fans of the genre, If your book moves on to be more dark that is.

But do check out the forum and rules first though as shameless plugs are considered quite rude most places except this site, and some finesse is needed.

Best of luck with your writing.

Sensoo wrote 1052 days ago

What I meant about description was probably all of the above. It's like you have the scene already pictured in your head, but just because you can see it doesn't mean the reader can. It's a problem I have as well. I write a ton of dialogue when I get in the writing mood and have to go back and describe the rest of the scene more thoroughly afterward. I think that's what you might be doing. I've been advised that writing too much description (there's a difference between too much description and purple prose) is better than too little because you can always trim it.

Sensoo wrote 1052 days ago

This story has a lot of potential, but there are a few things that you could do to set it apart from others of this genre.

There are a few typos, but nothing that another edit shouldn't be able to fix.

First off, there's too much dialogue and not enough description. The dialogue isn't bad, but there are stretches where there's lots and lots of talking and not enough action or the action isn't described enough. I have trouble picturing some of the characters.

When Silver and Chase have their discussion about meditation, Chase gives in to her arguments awfully quickly for someone who's supposed to be in distress. If Chase is meant to stay away from the others because he's dangerous/unpredictable during the full moon, especially given the fact he mauled someone, then he's acting pretty compliant/weak. EIther he is some sort of prodigy or he needs to be undergoing more difficulty controlling himself. Becoming a werewolf, being chased by the Department, being betrayed by his parents, puberty...all these should contribute to his tumultous emotions.

It's YA, so I don't expect it to be groundbreaking new fantasy/sci-fi, however so far, there isn't anything really new that makes it stand out except solid writing. "The Institute" and "The Department" aren't new concepts, nor is the tortured vampire, troubled psychic, out-of-control werewolf, or witch who can't control her powers. I like Phoenix's personality because she spells trouble. Silver and Peter need more fleshing out, right now they seem like the token wise grown-ups. There as plot devices to advise, chasten, and occasionally give approval, not as characters.

I guess I'm looking for deeper themes and characterization. His memories of his parents for example. Fair enough, maybe they turned him in, but what has convinced him of this other than people's words? He hasn't quite reasoned out the "why." Maybe he thinks they really had good intentions, maybe his parents are the sort that keep up appearances and once he's tarnished that, they'd be more than happy to keep him under wraps. There needs to be some feeling from Chase why he believes that. Maybe he's seen them make tough decisions that they thought were for the best (putting Granny in a nursing home and only visiting on holidays or sending someone to drug rehab.) Maybe there's been sketchy behavior on their part, like ignoring friends who've lost social status or wealth. Either way, there doesn't seem to be a reason why he personally now believes his parents turned him in.

The writing is solid and I suspect you know where you're going with this and how the characters are meant to act. I think however, you might need to fill in a few more blanks/hints because I think, as a reader. I'm not catching all that you want to convey.

I think this story could be a lot better and I think you probably have the skills to do it.

Matt Spencer wrote 1054 days ago

OK... You seem to just brush over what exactly happened from the moment Chase was caught in the house by his mother, as though it was merely a bummer. So did they just split in a panic? Were there words? What? Or is this information being intentionally withheld for now?

I AM getting more and more curious about this Department, and when we're gonna see more trouble from them.

And Chase's characterization seems to be going all over the place! One minute he's prudish and shy to a truly odd degree, then once he's got pants on (but no shirt, a factor they'd both be quite aware of, yet you ignore), he seems to jump right into physical flirtation with Vixen. And you clearly indicated earlier - in fact, it was largely the impetus for Chapter 5 even taking place - that werewolves' clothes don't shift with them. Is it different with shape shifters or something? 'Cause otherwise Vixen would've pretty obviously be naked in his lap. This is me going "Uh-huh," too, not looking any more convinced than Mal.

I'm still liking the story - and highly entertained and actually rather relating to Maladict - but while chapters 1-4 felt fairly polished, the end of 5 and most of 6 feel like hurried first drafts. There are still strong moments, though... Psych's greeting them with the baseball cap was priceless, as was "Reminds me of the sixties!"

Matt Spencer wrote 1054 days ago

I like the increasing insight - and hints - we're getting into Mal. Seems there's a lot about him and his relationships with the other characters that you get across without saying.

However, the last scene in Chase's house feels WAY too rushed. For so much of the book up 'til now, Chase wouldn't shut up about his mother's betrayal and how he couldn't go home, and now that he does... 'til his parents catch him, it seems the most on his mind is getting caught at his mischief w/ Mal. As though sneaking into this place that used to be the home and life he took for granted, no longer has, and must now slip about through as a thief or a ghost... inspires no particular feeling in him. WTF? It would seem odd for anyone, and it's especially out of character for him.

Matt Spencer wrote 1057 days ago

I think it was the images of one of the werewolves "making a small nod," but I suddenly started picturing these particular werewolves much like I did those in John Skipp and Cregg Specter's ANIMALS. Read it? My favorite werewolf novel ever, so if you dig werewolves (and it seems you do), definitely give it a read!

OK, Chase keeps reiterating his plight, even aspects he should know at least a little better about by now, to the point where he's sounding like a broken record, and by extension so are those who keep having to repeat the same retorts to him. It's getting to be a bit much!

As to his first meditation excersize... If I may ask a personal question, do you have any experience with meditation and such? If so, you might try drawing on that to lend more specificity - and by extension, credibility - to Chase's eventual success at getting his mind "blissfully blank." As it stands, one minute he's having trouble with it, then he's not, as though it really is easily done as said, which seems wildly out of character for him. Silver could at least give him more pointers - breathing techniques, etc - that could also strengthen her character as a mentor figure, rather than just another exposition mouthpiece.

"A gasp escaped his lips...able to slam the door shut again" VERY nice! Feels palpable, a glimpse of things to come!

On a side note, I don't know how accurate this is to your intentions, but I keep picturing Silver looking like Emmi Lou Harris :-)

Matt Spencer wrote 1057 days ago

Story progresses nicely through third chapter, and my interest is deepening.

I appreciate the way you handle the sequence of events of Chase getting bitten and turning as a brief italicized flashback - Had the same been the opening of the novel, with a liniar lead-in of him realizing what he'd been turned into, it'd have felt like just another werewolf tale I'd heard a million times and I'd have lost interest quick. Here, though, it works much better.

In the brief description of the soccar game, I'd like to feel a bit more visceral grit in the physical action - like scraped knees in the grass as he falls and slides, his body's ache afterwards, stuff like that. Werewolves are about the most primal mythological mythological metahuman critter I can think of, so if you're writing from the point of view of one - even his memories before he was turned - make it feel primal! Hell, if you're comfortable with this, give his feelings of physical/romantic attraction to female characters a downright politically incorrect edge. I know he's a nice, likeable guy, and a seemingly shy one at that, and this is a YA story, but he's a teenage guy who's just become a werewolf! I don't know where to START on how that's a recipe for trouble.

Come to think of it, beyond occasionally snarling at someone in surprise, I'm not really seeing much change in Chase from whom he presumably was before thanks to now being a werewolf. As I said, you did a very good job putting us physically there with him through the horrifying experience of being captured. So delve a bit deeper into what it's physically/psychologically/emotionally like to *be a werewolf* instead of solely phocusing on so much teen angst about the situation he's in for being so. For example, is working out in the weight room any different for him now? Maybe he has enhanced strength/coordination? Otherwise his lycanthropy is basically a McGuffin, and he might as well be any fill-in-the-blank metahuman critter for the purposes of your plot.

Still, it *is* a good plot, and I'm increasingly curious about this ensamble of characters you're building.

Matt Spencer wrote 1058 days ago

"All glass and chrome instead there was..." This seems like SOME kind of typo...

Vixin fiddling with her ring makes me wonder about said ring, if it's gonna come up somewhere else. Or maybe that's just me.

No eating other residents??? Aaaaaaaawwwww... This place doesn't sound very fun at all! ;-]

"Not like your normal." - you're, not your.

I think I'm liking this weird bunch, especially things like the playful bickering between Mal and Phoenix. I'm tempted to say it's feeling *too* laid back in some ways, not enough of the tension I'd think there'd be, on top of the natural tension of these being bickersome kids. But I'm gonna wait and see.

Matt Spencer wrote 1058 days ago

I dig this opening scene - hits the ground running, basically tosses the reader in sink or swim, which I personally love in a story. Blood filling the mouth that he's afraid to spit out is a particularly wonderful image. However, a pounding heart that someone's afraid will be heard and rough heavy breathing are a bit cliche... Accurate under such circumstances to the point of unavoidability sometimes, but they stick out when you open the first paragraph with them. Actually, the first couple paragraphs are far too full of that sort of thing... One suggestion is to simply open with the first line of dialogue, then reintegrate all that largely internal description into the action you go onto describe. I like how you handle the tranquelizer gun from Chase's POV - You had me going "So what IS the deal with that weird-looking gun, anyway?" Then made me go WTF? when our seeming protagonist gets shot with it, then I went, "Oh, a tranq gun! I should've guessed..."

"Quickly, Silver, more tranquilizer" -- "Quickly" sounds a bit stilted... Granted, I don't know this character yet (maybe it's perfectly internally logical for him to talk like such), but I read that line and *want* to hear "Silver, quick, get more tranquelizer!" Incidentally, I'm liking your use of names, stopping just short of "Pilgrim's Progress" territory, working nicely so far.

Far too much of Chase-waking-up-and-meeting-Vixen feels trite, too by-the-numbers "Someone wakes up after being knocked out, is woozy at first, gets cautioned to take it easy, followed by a nice little Q&A exposition setion." Examples I can think of where this has been avoided in the same sort of scene via witty, interesting characterization: Stu Redman arguing with the kidnapping doctor in THE STAND, James Bond waking up on Pussy Galour's plain in the movie GOLDFINGER. What finally saves this scene is when Vixen's personality starts specifying itself... I think I like this girl. Though if you're going for a re-examination of what vampires and such would be like if they existed... why would a vampire who WASN'T a "tortured soul" WANT to keep up any such image? I suppose I'll find out...

I like little quirks you give it, such as what I guess you'd call a "gramatical characterization" where most of the time "werewolf" is spelled like so, but in Chase's dialogue, it's "were-wolf".

"Welcome to the institute Chase" needs a comma.

m.a.putman wrote 1058 days ago

Jinxy,

It seems to me that you've done yourself a terrible disservice by starting your story at the tail end of what could have been an exciting chase. I also believe that, along with the bite history, the chase and capture scene could fill your fist chapter. It's very exciting, and the way you ended it, with Chase losing consciousness, makes a great hook to turn on to the next chapter.

You already know that there's work to be done here, so (skipping nitty gritty) I focused my attention on your story. The beginning is great and chapters five and six are also engaging with the introduction of danger, taking risks, etc... I think that two, three and four are lacking in action. Not to say that every chapter needs conflict, but you might want to expand on the tiffs that you've already inserted there to give your characters some more friction. And/or condense them (the chapters). Those three felt sort of like one long chapter since they all related to Chase's introduction to his new home. Undoubtedly the information you give there is important, but without a balance of significant events, information chapters become a chore to read.

My only other suggestion will be to take note of where you use 'was' prior to another verb: example: he was preparing; he was hoping, or whaterver. These, I saw a lot of and they slow down the flow of the story. Say, 'he hoped' ; 'he prepared'. Not only will this cut down on excess words, it comes out sounding more decisive and assured.

Hope this helps and happy writing!
MAP

Dale C. wrote 1059 days ago

This is a nice little urban fantasy. The writing is smooth and there weren't many things in the writing that jarred me out of the story.

It may just be me, but it seemed to lose momentum somewhat toward the end of the first chapter and the beginning of the second. I like the dialogue and the setting up of characters, but I felt as though the plot essentially paused from the last part of chapter one through the end of chapter three. By the end of chapter three I felt that you had a good setup in the 'orphanage' and a good set of characters, but I didn't have a sense of where the plot was going.

In this age of short attention spans I'm not sure you have that long to get people involved in wherever your plot is going. You may have dropped some hints that I missed. If you did, you might want to make them a little more prominent. I would say you need some foreshadowing of the main plot direction by toward the end of chapter one, with occasional references back to it in the next two chapters as you develop the characters.

Just some impressions from a fellow aspiring writer. As I mentioned, I like the setup and the characters, and the writing is generally smooth, so this does have potential. Good luck with it.

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