The Kinship

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Slick sci-fi elegantly done. I have my reservations about the glossary rather than explaining it within the writing, but I'm on the fence about it for the moment.

I just added that glossary yesterday because I agree with you. However, I had several readers -- mostly those who don't usually read SF -- who were confused with several new words being introduced in the first chapter. While it's pretty de rigeur for SF to have to introduce new concepts early in a story and I think I've done a decent job of avoiding the infodump, overall I agree with you about the glossary.

Other than that, fantastic writing and a story worthy of the big screen.

Thank you!

'Jana clicked the gun's safety off' (This is the first time that the gun has been mentioned, maybe mention her pulling the gun out first?)

Great catch. I'd added that sentence in the other day when trying to edit out a few too many "saids" and didn't realize the continuity issue. Thanks!

Slick sci-fi elegantly done. I have my reservations about the glossary rather than explaining it within the writing, but I'm on the fence about it for the moment. Other than that, fantastic writing and a story worthy of the big screen.

One nit:

'Jana clicked the gun's safety off' (This is the first time that the gun has been mentioned, maybe mention her pulling the gun out first?)

Andrew

Hi Lisa. This is superior sci-fi. Well crafted, deeply imagined, beautifully told. A polished piece.
The contrast between Jana and Rodrik's lives and those of Eshana and Brannon set the scene for a conflict of epic proportions. The old story of struggling for power, for peace, for a world you believe in, is about to be told anew, in a fresh and exciting way. Gripping stuff.


I saw two nits;
'but you didn't I'd leave you in the cold...missing *think*.
She tasted tasted on her tongue...tasted *blood*?

Definitely one to watch, this. Shelving, to boost it on its way to the stars...
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Hi Lisa. This is superior sci-fi. Well crafted, deeply imagined, beautifully told. A polished piece.
The contrast between Jana and Rodrik's lives and those of Eshana and Brannon set the scene for a conflict of epic proportions. The old story of struggling for power, for peace, for a world you believe in, is about to be told anew, in a fresh and exciting way. Gripping stuff.


I saw two nits;
'but you didn't I'd leave you in the cold...missing *think*.
She tasted tasted on her tongue...tasted *blood*?

Definitely one to watch, this. Shelving, to boost it on its way to the stars...
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Hi Lisa, Sci fi isn't at all my genre, but I like your premise and the pitch was intriguing. I think this book has great potential in its target market. However, I did find it a struggle to read. There were so many words with capital letters - for example I threw myself into the second half of chapter two - a lot of telling and not much showing here - and although you are writing sci-fic, it might be that you need to lead your readers a little more gently into the world to which you are taking them. I believe, and agree, according to many agents, that when we enter a novel we are trusting enough to enter this unknown, novel place. We are new to this world, so we must relate to it, however much we can eventually adapt to it, feel the fear in it, or the heat, or the emotion, or the laughter or the warmth, we must have something we can relate to in this 'novel' place. And the first page says it all. I'm not sure I knew what the medtech or the nanomarkers were - perhaps this is sci-fic in-house knowledge? And that bit of latin text as intro of each chapter, well I know a bit, a little bit of latin, but even that has me flummoxed. Perhaps translate it?

I can see you have a fabulous, fantastic imagination, and a wonderful plot is developing with loads of action and promise. Just make the opening a little more accessible and maybe dialogue a little more natural. Shelved to encourage you for your talent and potential.

The Kinship,

This is a fascinating idea, Lisa! I love the premise and how the story is unfolding, Jena and Rodrik are interesting characters! I'll be back to comment when I've finished the partial - just want to let you know I'm giving this a spin on my shelf to help your rank!

Melanie.

Kinship - Spindler

Sorry. I kept losing the story. Of the first nine words, I did not understand four. Of the first four sentences, I understood only the second and fourth. The art of storytelling is not to make one's readers grit their teeth and struggle.

Chapter 2 seemed to say what happened in Chapter 1, but in flashback. I suggest simple sentences in correct time order. Avoid adverbs and adjectives. Avoid subordinate clauses.

Don't be discouraged - you've got a good story and there's no reason it shouldn't be told well. One last suggestion (i'm trying to be helpful): I notice that Chapter 1 is made up of sentences and short paragraphs, some of which (numbers 2, 4 6 ...) actually tell a story. The rest don't. Why not leave out Numbers 1, 3, 5 ... and let the story tell itself?

Good luck and best wishes
Ann

This book good and has a lot of potential. If they had stars, I would give it a 3 1/2 stars.

Thank you! I'm elated over 31/2 stars.

It still needs to fleshed out some more...however, Jana's character could use more details. We don't really know who she is, except that she is a spy. In the first chapter we learn she looses her partner/boyfriend, but the author never really gave us an idea of what she is feeling -- the loss and subsequent feeling of betrayal by the secrets Rodrick kept. Why does she need to redeem herself and why is there such a determination to join "Coil"? Why is she willing to go "off the grid" on this mission, when in the very beginning she did not want to, but did it only to please her partner? In fact Jana's character seems very 2 dimensional.

Do you have a few moments to clarify a few points for me? I have just a few minutes ago uploaded a new version of the opening scene. I think it's much improved and hope it addresses some of your concerns. However, in Jana's scenes with Dreux and Padarn when she returns to the Kinship we get to see that she's been grieving for a while over Rodrik's death and she's also angry about his not telling her about his involvement in the Coil. Also in inner monologue Jana reveals that she sees Padarn as a father figure and that's why she wants to redeem herself. The Kinship has become a replacement family for Jana and she's despairing because her actions have put that relationship in jeopardy. Taking on this new mission is Jana's chance to regain the trust of that family. So, the emotional information you mentioned is there and I'm a little at a loss as to why it's not having the right kind of impact on the reader.

...I could feel myself getting sucked into "The Kinship" universe. So this book is definitely being added to my shelf.

Thank you so much!

This book good and has a lot of potential. If they had stars, I would give it a 3 1/2 stars. It still needs to fleshed out some more. Brannon Bayne's character is well written; however, Jana's character could use more details. We don't really know who she is, except that she is a spy. In the first chapter we learn she looses her partner/boyfriend, but the author never really gave us an idea of what she is feeling -- the loss and subsequent feeling of betrayal by the secrets Rodrick kept. Why does she need to redeem herself and why is there such a determination to join "Coil"? Why is she willing to go "off the grid" on this mission, when in the very beginning she did not want to, but did it only to please her partner? In fact Jana's character seems very 2 dimensional.

I also think she needs to flesh out some of the secondary characters a little more as well.

All in all, this story was an easy read (although the first chapter was a struggle) and I could feel myself getting sucked into "The Kinship" universe. So this book is definitely being added to my shelf.

most enjoyable - you have alot going on in this chapter - you do have a very imaginative mind - and some mix of the Matrix to boot - this is real good - I was just going to read the first chapter but then I could not stop reading - write more please so I can read more -

bc1yax

I liked the book once i got into it, the beginning tho almost lost me. Chapter 2 on kept me interested all the way thru. This could become a series i would read! I will put it on my shelf for now. With a little work I can see you becoming a favorite of mine.

I see that you have been polishing this up and it flows better for it. Though in truth I thought it was fine the way it was you have improved it. Yet at the same time you have managed to retain much of what this story was before the re-editing though somehow changed it through the work you have done.

Hi Lisa,
This is interesting, lots going on here. It's obvious to me you have a great imagination, you have created a whole other world here. Your characters are belivable, the more so I think because your dialogue is particularly good, realistic. You have tension here which makes the story exciting from a reader's POV. I like this and am going to put it on my shelf ;-) This is a clever story, good luck with it!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

I liked this. The writing in the first chapter (up until they meet the cartel king) is spare, however, so much so that it almost failed to pull me in. I’d like to see it fleshed out some, so that the reader has a better idea of when, where, who. You get into a smoother groove after that, though, and description and action balance out and are more compelling. I’m going to give you a boost with a spot on my shelf.

Here are my crits:
Some confusion right at the start. Why did Rodrik ignore the medtech? -Was it the medtech who spoke the first sentence? I thought it was Jana, but if she said it, it would be expository. Then Jana goes on to tell Rodrik “Without the Kinship nanomarkers, we're off the Grid," again, this strikes me as expository dialog. I mention this because I noticed a few instances throughout (I read two chapters) where one character tells another something that they should already know.
–Spotted only one typo: “Your [you’re] lucky Rodrik's body…”
Alone in the dark-found anomalies-rose from bed-sunrise – that scene confused me as to time passing.

I liked the manuscript and would like to read more. But, there always is one, it needs to be tightened up in some parts. A glossary of words would help. Also, Jana shouldn't feel so bad for herself over Rodril's death because the relationship was never expanded on so I didn't feel her loss or self doubt. Also, maybe a prologue of her home and finding the Kinship, some background, just a few pages. Maybe give a scope of the size of the Commonwealth, the Homeworld background. We need to know have very special the Kinship is and Jana's place in it. Those are my initial thoughts. I really like it and hope to see more.

I liked the manuscript and would like to read more. But, there always is one, it needs to be tightened up in some parts. A glossary of words would help. Also, Jana shouldn't feel so bad for herself over Rodril's death because the relationship was never expanded on so I didn't feel her loss or self doubt. Also, maybe a prologue of her home and finding the Kinship, some background, just a few pages. Maybe give a scope of the size of the Commonwealth, the Homeworld background. We need to know have very special the Kinship is and Jana's place in it. Those are my initial thoughts. I really like it and hope to see more.

Interesting premise and I really like the feeling of authenticity. You have created great tension. It is also very intelligent with great dialogue. I'm going to shelve this for a while.
Best of Luck
Stauna

Lisa,
This is a good story. Reminds me a little bit of The Matrix, but that's okay. I like the tension, the sense of a desperate mission that is unfolding. I would have liked a little more information at the beginning of exactly where Jana and Rodrik were, there location, what it looked like. Also, when you said they were going to the boundaries, I wasn't really sure what mode of transportation they were taking. After reading a bit more it becomes obvious they were on foot. But a sentence or two stating how they got from where they started would have been helpful. I like it though, on my bookshelf for a bit. Good luck on this.

Jeff

Billy-- I'm so going to use that in query letters. Thank you! Also thanks for backing my book.

Thanks for your interest and support, Gene.

This is a twisting political drama as much as it is scifi or romance. The characters have the ability to make mistakes like we all do, which endears them to you. You want them to succeed to reach their goal and feel for them when tragedy strikes.

Love what I've read so far - powerful storyline, intriguing characters and a cool world! Great job, Lisa!

Crisp, clear, vivid writing. Hooks the reader and draws her in. Terrific.

You're backed!

A great story line interwoven with intriguing characters that are interwined in a complex sci-fi tale. The dialogue is expressive, the story is creative. At first the names of the characters, titles, and places were confusing and difficult to follow. But as the plot progresses the characters and the story line become more clearly defined.

A wonderful sci-fi read.

Good job Cous!!!

I read what I could at work. Fun stuff.
I will read more later.

Well, this is a keeper. The dialogue is awesome; the world you've constructed seems real. It has history, depth, breadth and texture but at no time seems contrived. There were a couple of "book saidisms" but, upon review of some of my favorite writers' works, I found enough of the same to remove it as a dealbreaker in this case.
I like the characters, not just because they're interesting but because I actually like them.

Fun stuff.

You're backed.

Wow, Geoff. You just made my day. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my partial.

Well, this is a keeper. The dialogue is awesome; the world you've constructed seems real. It has history, depth, breadth and texture but at no time seems contrived. There were a couple of "book saidisms" but, upon review of some of my favorite writers' works, I found enough of the same to remove it as a dealbreaker in this case.
I like the characters, not just because they're interesting but because I actually like them.

Fun stuff.

You're backed.

Sounds awesome...love the story line!

Great story! I love the plot so far, the characters are intense and the writing is strong and pulls you right in.

Great story! I love the plot so far, the characters are intense and the writing is strong and pulls you right in.

Great story! I love the plot so far, the characters are intense and the writing is strong and pulls you right in.

Uh. Yeah. This is my kind of party. Watchlisted for later dissection.

Welcome aboard.

Great Book. The book has everything you want romance, intrigue, and science fiction. What more could anyone want.

S. Paitz

A complex tale that blends futuristic science fiction, old world customs, and romance. Definitely worth reading.

Sounds like a great read! Very intricate plot, interesting characters.