The Great Stir Trial

Well I never. Just when you think you think you’ve seen it all on Authonomy … Just when you think there’s nothing left to surprise you … along comes this. A book about an ultra-marathon to decide whether a teenager ought to be impeached.

“Er ... it seems a little strange to decide the fate of an Empire by means of a Trial, I mean ...” A low murmur emerged from the pupils in the large classroom.

As well it might.

A book that begins, ‘Outside a flower burst out laughing’!

Seriously, I loved this. I liked the Anthony Burgess way in which the world has its own vocabulary: peshy boring, Gleenmaster, a gnabble. And I liked the fact that it’s set in a school – a bit JK Rowling, maybe, but sufficiently different. And finally, I liked the mode of transport. If The Great Stir Trial doesn’t encourage Primary age children to walk to school, nothing will.

Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

brilliantly written. it takes me back many years and it is the sort of book that certainly will appeal to a youthful reader. my son used to love reading books centred around school going age. just william was one of his favourites by the way.
so you book is on my shelf and all the best

merle

Hello Morag

Thank you very much for your comments. I'm really happy that you like what you've seen of the book. Yes, let's hope it will find a wider readership.

I've backed your book by the way. (I don't visit this website very often and haven't watched your book's progress. It seems to be doing very well. Congratulations!)

De Waal this is fabulous! Sorry it's taken me so long to drop by and get to reading it. It is this fabulous mix that reminds me of "Asterix and Obelix, mixed up with Dead Poets Society and Harry Potter". I know, it's an odd description. But it's fun, it's original, your style is fluid and easy to read, the name and setting and the "history" all unique and appealing. I really hope more people opt to swap reads with you! On my shelf!

Hugs

Poppet

Hi there,
This has a brilliant premise, I really like this idea of no technology, it's intriguing. Your descriptions give a real feeling of the place you have created. Ayjay and Deena are thoughtfully drawn MC's, I think the fact that they are romantically involved rather than just friends will appeal to your target audience, younger readers will identify with them. This promises to be a cracking adventure, the fact that your characters will have to test themselves to their limits is very appealing, this again is good for your intended audience. I agree with Poppet that this is like The Dead Poet's Society in some ways, and I can feel a bit of The Lord of the Flies here too. Good job and on my shelf ;-)
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi. You have a natural inner ear for dialogue. Your writing keeps the characters active while fully developing an illusory world. I preferred your pacing in chapter 2 over chapter 1. Ayjay is a well developed character and you did a great job of creating impossible obstacles for him to overcome. Your character voices are distinct. Great job. Good luck. Janet Marie

Hello Ebbsy

Kind of you to take the trouble to write this extensive comment. Thanks for being balanced and fair. I appreciate that.

I'm now looking at your crit to see how best I can make use of your advice.

Regards

De Waal

It’s not good news I’m afraid – I don’t think there’s anything horrendous or bad about The Stir Trail but I do question the tone, the voice and the style. It’s not a very positive review, and please let me apologise for that in advance – you can write, and you have all the tools in your toolbox to write well, but tone, style and execution of your chosen story really does let you down

This is a book, that feels like it’s from my childhood – a book that I might have found in my school library in say, 1971, but even then it would have been old and dog-eared – it would have been from a time, perhaps before even the word Teenager had been invented but certainly before any 14 year old had been called a Young Adult.

Time seems out of joint when I read it – I’m reminded of Enid Blyton mixed with EE “Doc” Smith and I wonder what kids today would make of it. The tone is, and I’m sorry to be brutally honest here, a little patronizing. I wonder what a sophisticated 10 year old would make of the first chapter, with its evocation of an education establishment, that although is on a far flung planet, is straight out of Tom Brown’s School days – the only clues you give us to tell us it’s not Earth is the constant flow of Obviouslymadeupwordiums – like the first novel I reviewed in today’s Critical List, neologisms do not a fantasy make, and they don’t make a science fiction novel either :-(

I sounds like I’m giving your book a bit of a kicking – and maybe I am – but if you cut down on the neologisms, changed the tone, made the dialogue a bit snappier and gave a more contemporary feel to the milieu then the idea of a non-tech world were racing on foot was the way to choose a leader – that would be a really interesting theme to develop and explore – what happens to disabled kids on this world? What happens to the academically gifted, the fat, the old? All great questions you could explore with the reader and make something very fresh and interesting.

I hope you can see the positives in this review, and hope I encouraged to a little to take another swing at this book?

Cheers

Ebbsy

Hi Tom. Kind of you to comment. Your observations are astute. Thank you very much for that. This medium is wonderful for allowing one to revise. I'm taking a hard look at Chapter One.

Comment on Chapter 1

Nice first line - unexpected.

Reasonable attempt to disguise the info-dump about the Stir Trial. It still comes over as contrived to have one student ignorant of it. How about none of them know it? Maybe the Turnip - or Grith, if he's an important character - simply gives the lesson, rather than have Ayjay look ignorant?

"Well my father is first gleenmaster, right?"

"Right".

This exchange is an "as you know, Bob." It's an awkward of telling the reader something the the two characters should know so intimately they wouldn't discuss it in that fashion. Thus: "The sun comes up in the east, as you know, Bob."

So... try and reword it something like this. "Since my father is first Gleenmaster, I have to be a model..."

He is not even aware of his courtly behaviour. Change of tense to present not warranted here.

The run. hmm, good original setting. A few info-dumps disguised as conversation, some not.

Onto Chapter 2

OK. Now I'm getting into this. The running race is actually quite exciting. Well done for not attempting to have Ayjay win it somehow. What might have given us a greater tension was if they were matched properly. In doing this, and having Grith win fair and square, you would make Ayjay more of an underdog for any later rematch.

The other thing that occurs to me is I'm not QUITE getting the feeling that this is a super-disciplined running culture. Yes, you are dropping in hints about the behaviour of the people they pass (or run) by, but not the kids themselves. From your blurb, I was getting a hint of Ancient Sparta, you know, physical discipline is far more important than mental, train for several hours every day etc etc. I wasn't getting that feeling about the school. Perhaps you could mention they spend a couple of hours before school (or after) in training?

Anyway, those are just some thoughts. There are still a few typoes, errors here and there, but I'm going to back this for its originality and promise.

Regards,

TomW