Midnight Blue over Mexico

That’s a great start. Was she drugged or no? I’d say the shadowy backseat lunatic was probably correct.I would not trust Tim if I was June. Your descriptions of the scenary is excellent and you’ve obviously done some research here. I hope the men in the backrooms don’t latch onto your technical explanations. They read very credible. These seem like characters you could use again, or am I in for a nasty surprise down the line?

A fascinating if scary premise. It put me in mind of Michael Crichton’s novels. Your clean writing style isn’t dissimilar either. A most enjoyable read and one I see rising to the top of the slush pile.

Good going, D.S.! I'm reading this in pieces, and will want to know what happens to June, Tim and the Doctor. It's got all the elements of great science-fiction, in that it's very real, a current problem for our world; and it's got that jump-in-the-dark thriller content. My only gripes are small - a little attention to some grammar here and there, and with a few apostrophes - instead of full words - the dialogue could flow a little more easily! Minor nitpicks, because the story does flow so well. Beautiful cover art, and great title. I'll come back and read more. Thank you.

This is excellent story telling, a real page turner. The short paragraphs keep the action moving at pace and the plot is intriguing. Do you have more to upload, I NEED to know what happens next.
I would make a similar observation as in my previous comments re the number of Agent Fowlers. It would deffinately read better if these were reduced.
This is potentially a great book and, I would have thought, very publishable.

This is the sort of book one needs to read to the end. Keep it up. And thank you.

Charles

Hi DS
A great opening with loads of atmosphere building. Lots of great visual writing enabling the reader to really feel part of the scenes. An original plot as well, very topical. I got totally engrossed. Great stuff.
DP Walker
Five Dares

A taut atmospheric start full of living shadows and people that you';d rather not meet. The writing is excellent, I'm surprised at how many good writers there are here and it';s a travesty they are not recognised. Don't give up, this is too good for that and get it on facebook or blog or get your local paper to run an article on it and its place on Authonomy. Well done.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hi D.S., I stumbled on this and loved it, so thought I'd give some feedback even though you're not around much. It's a real page turner. Good premise, too. One mistake I picked up was a loosing that should be losing at the end of the first chapter. Best of luck with this. I would back it. Let me know if you're back online and I will. Doesn't seem there's much point otherwise. Cheers, Helen.

I just had a read of the first chapter so far, and you have got my interest.

I like the sense of sensory depravation, but was a little confused about how she could see the 'pine-trees shimmer in the moonlight'... is the blackness limited to the car?

I was also wondering about the way she found out that there was a gun. I liked the cold sensation on her neck, but was expecting her to find her hand touching the cold metal that she assumed was a gun... unless of course she sees it - how does she actually know its a pistol?

From this I have an expectation of what Tim is like - even though he isn't described and I liked that a lot - I might try that technique myself sometime.

All in all very interesting and I'll read more when I have more time.

Plus - having worked for many years in the mobile industry I have a particular interest in the premise ;0)

Good luck with this!

Oscar

As far as I am aware, California and New Mexico do not share a border.

I've finished all the posted chapters now and I still think this is a great idea for a story. In C5 you introduce Daniel Fowler, who seems to have a past. During the phone call about the blackout he comes across as a bit weak and incompetent - this might be a deliberate ploy on his part to keep the caller on the line for the required thirty seconds but if it is I'd think about telling the reader that that is what he has decided to do.

C6 - you have a sentence I didn't understand 'the evidenced would be unflappable'??

C8 - you have 'Soot yourself' when I think you mean 'suit yourself'.

I hope you don't mind me pointing these out, it just that they jar in an otherwise good piece of writing.

Overall I do like this, the scientific angle is good and believable and if it carry's on in the same vein I think you could have a good technical thriller here. Best of luck.

Hi DS, I have read a few chapters of this. This is well-written and I like it. It's the kind of novel I picture on the big screen as I read and can definitely see it on film. To nitpick, I'd change Tim's name to a surname and refer to him by that, would give it a little more edge. Also start chapter 2 with - "2 days earlier....." - I had to flick back and check the date from chapter 1.
All in all, good work, still needs some editing and polishing (not much though) and you could be onto a winner.
Regards,
James.

I do like a good thriller based on something that could be true and this seems to tick those boxes from what I've read so far (first four chapters). There's a good amount of mystery around whether June can trust Tim and also around where the Dr. has gone - not to mention the bloke in the car with June in C1. There are a couple of parts where the dialogue didn't quite ring true for me. First in chapter 3 where June is telling Tim about the man in the car and Tim says 'there's only one problem' - that line didn't fit with the high quality of the rest. It happened again in C4 when she finds the blood and he says 'Don't start talking crazy'.

However I'm the first to admit that they are 2 fairly minor things in an otherwise good story so I'm going to continue on to the end of the posted chapters.

Based on everyone's comments, I've uploaded new chapters. Any additional feedback is always appreciated. Thanks,

D.S.

Thanks for the suggestions, Jo. I'm in the middle of a re-write now, so any suggestions are very valuable.

Thanks, Whittington. You have pointed out the major issue I am dealing with at the moment with Midnight Blue: lack of character development. It is a plot-driven thriller, so to a certain extent I feel that the characters don't need to have too much "depth," but then again, I want the reader engaged with June (at the least), so I am currently in the re-write stage to hopefully resolve this issue. I greatly appreciate your comments and words of support.

Thank you for not being mad at me! I was appalled with myself when I saw how much I'd written, the scrolling in the comment box hides it so when I saw it on the screen I really wished I could have edited to merge some of the similar stuff and taken out the real minor rubbish.
Good luck with the rewrites and please remember, mine is only one opinion, I was thinking about it afterwards and wondered if maybe the bits I thought were 'flowery' and overdone was actually your 'USP' and it was just that I didn't 'like' it - which is irrelevant. In the book I'm reading at the moment (published, not on here) the author keeps telling me in great detail what people are wearing and that's annoying me. They're not even special clothes, just jeans, t-shirts, etc but she's given me the technicolour picture. So it's probably just me that doesn't like it, her publisher and thousands of other readers probably do. So, ignore my opinions about describing actions if that's how you want to do it. I know nothing!
good luck
K

Great advice, KR, and much appreciated! The thorough review is extremely helpful. I will be working on a re-write of the book over the next few months and will incorporate some of your suggestions. Good luck with your book and writing. I will make sure to return the favor soon.

I am so sorry, that comment is huge! I do like this, I promise, even if it doesn't look that way! will now slink off and be quiet somewhere.
K

Hi dsmoreland. Your pitch intrigued me and your storyline is certainly interesting. I've only had time for the first 3 chapters so far. I like June but would like to know a bit more about her background. In the opening chapters she refers to Tim as a friend not a colleague (of course he can be both, but in this context it's the colleague bit I'm interested in) and although Dr Cantappas mentions her 'research' I'd like to know earlier whether she's a serious scientist or a hobbyist. Perhaps you could mention the university she works for earlier to ground me in who she is and what she's doing? At the end of chapter 2 I wasn't convinced that pride would be a motivating factor for either June or Dr C. It felt like the wrong emotion – yes, they'd be pleased if they were right, but perhaps in a relieved way not a proud one. Tim seems a little weak. He doesn't act like a man confident in his intellectual abilities, although you haven't given him much personality at all so far. Of course, he may be hiding a secret from June, but I think you should say more about him, I know more about Dr C and I haven't seen him yet. The plot is fantastic though. And you write good dialogue. How much of this is science 'fiction' and how much 'fact'?

I'm a terror for nit picking so feel free to use or ignore any of the following:
I struggled a bit with picturing some of the detail in your opening paragraphs – 'plate of glass' for windscreen seemed a bit over the top as you weren't trying to disguise that she's in a car; did you need to say 'seemingly' about the trees moving in the breeze, what else would it be, and 'placed her feet against the carpet' seemed an odd thing to say when you hadn't mentioned she wasn't sitting up with her feet on the floor before.
Watch out for the word echo on 'sensation' perhaps the first one could be pain or ache?
Was she really not scared before she realised there was a pistol in her neck? I'd have been terrified by hearing an unfamiliar voice in that situation.
Can a pistol 'peel' away or just be lifted?
'…play its course' was a strange phrase to my ear.

Bit of an echo on June opening her eyes at both the start of chp 1 and chp 2.
'…she knew one thing. She needed to find out' is a bit melodramatic.
Didn't like 'confusion quickly washed', how about something stronger like 'confusion struck…'
Didn't like 'sat intently driving', 'who sat in the driver's seat' would do for me.
After the opening to chapter two I then read on without pause, it's the 'flowery' writing (-ly words and the like) that stopped me getting into this story until then.

'…struggled to control her excitement' is a bit of a cliché.
Bit of a typo 'There's only be about three hours left'?
'June removed herself from the passenger side' then she crawls in – can't she just get in and out? It wouldn't catch on my eye then.

You switch between SUV, Range Rover and Land Rover – in a way they're interchangeable terms but I would have been tempted to be specific (Range Rover) the first time and then stick with SUV or car which doesn't catch the eye so much.

Is it Guadalarjara City when they drive into the 'village' and is it the same place when they look back to the 'town'? I'm confused about the detail of the journey. And the house, how can it be 'flattened' by a dome?

Word echo of 'pop' when Tim's knocking on the door.

When June first sees the spectroscope, it would help the reader if you could describe it in more detail as most of us don't know what one is. All you give our imaginations to work with is 'mammoth' and lots of wires.

June 'situates' a piece of paper? Can't she just put it down? She then races, spins and paces to get upstairs. This kind of writing is overdoing it for me.

I think June's reminiscence about her, Tim and Dr C would fit better as she's driving towards his house. I didn't buy that she'd stop and look at photos when she's worried about Dr C and the blood.

She comes down the stairs with a plow and a hustle. Well, it's your book and you mustn't let me rewrite it for you. But really, must you use these words? They stand out and draw my attention to things that are not important to your story.

Should 'pealed' be peeled?

If you could bear to cut the last paragraph of chapter 3 the cliff hanger would have more tension.

Sorry for so much nit picking, I really do like the story and thought it was worth saying what I thought might improve it. But it's only my opinion.
Good luck
K

Thanks for taking a look, Whittington.

Thanks for the comment, Steve. I greatly appreciate the feedback. The story really picks up in chapter three, so I'd be interested in any other feedback you might have if you make it that far. Thanks again.

Hi there! Have read CH 1 and CH 2. It's an intriguing start, setting up the plot nicely, and we get a flavour of the interraction between June and Tim (though if anything I'd like a little more). I love the mystery (i.e. was there a gun or not?) - it's enough to make me return. Good stuff!

Steve

More intrigue. Great stuff. You write well, D.S., and the new chapters only serve to back up my earlier comments. I will be revamping my bookshelf shortly and moving Midnight Blue onto it.

P.S. Thank you for backing Thin Blood, D.S., but if a blank space suddenly appears on your bookshelf, it’s because I’ve removed it from the authonomy site: http://www.authonomy.com/Forum/Posts.aspx?threadId=78 ]

Hey Vicki, thanks for checking back in. Nothing major as far as revisions on the older chapters (just minor tweaks here and there). Chapters 8-11 are the new ones on the site. Hope you like them!

Hi D.S.: Thought I would pop back and see what you’ve been up to since I last visited. Which chapters have you added since then? Have the edits you’ve made substantial or should I just skim the opening chapters and focus on the newly added ones?

Thanks for the interest, kwasumang. Your asking may prod me to finish a round of revisions on the later chapters that I've been delaying (procrastinating) on. I wish I could survive on two hours of sleep. That way I could actually spend some time writing and revising. I'll definitely let you know when I put some more of the book up. It's always exciting to know that people actually read what's up here.

is it all you are going to upload DS. I enjoyed it last time i read it. it is a fantastic read. holler me if you have more to share.

Thanks for the feedback, Primrose. The first line must catch the reader, so I will see if I can re-order events to make this more appealing.

quite happy for you to clutter up my page, in fact I'd be delighted. Take any comments I make with a pinch of salt. I always try and say something which I believe will improve a work, but I'm often wrong. I'll read more of yours in due course, but I have debts to pay first (others who have taken the trouble to read mine and whose books I must concentrate on).

Toscka, thanks for your comments. I agree re: the clumsy language in Chapter 2. If you had seen it before I trimmed it back several pages!! It is a constant struggle of mine inserting back story, and I will continue to work to better insert the "fill" needed for this story to continue to hum along. I know from a reader standpoint I am always distracted by unnecessary "telling," so your points are well taken. Just as an aside, I have revised Chapter 2 somewhat to hopefully ameliorate some of the "tellingness." Maybe that will suffice until I can come up with a more creative way to insert the background. Thanks for your comments. And by the way, if you happen to respond to this, do you (and others) have a preferred way of responding to comments on your book. I feel that people will not see my respone if I append it to my remarks, but I also hate to clutter up other people's remarks. Anyway, just looking for some advice on that too. (By the way, I really appreciate the constructive criticism -- it is far too hard for me to see where improvements need to be made after struggling with these chapters everyday -- I'll return the favor soon).

Ok, just got to work, and read the rest of chapter 2 before the day begins. I'm not sure about the two paragraphs in the middle about Cantappas's work and the electrostatic radiation. Partly it is because you use the word "electromangnetic" a bit too much, 3 times in one paragraph, but mainly it is because this is serious "telling". It felt like you were trying to get this info out of the way. Is there no means of getting it across in a dramatic fashion, perhaps a flashback conversation or something, rather than just dumping the information. I only mention this because you have a good story to tell, and this felt a little clumsy. Hope it helps.

Hi, I can't believe how long it's been since I last looked at this. 3 months for me to get to chapter 2 - sorry.

Ok, she's disorientated, and the dialogue that follows explains it, but does anyone expect to see someone unfamiliar? It reads a little oddly, and I think it is the phrase "unfamiliar figure". If you'd just said, "he was not who she'd expected to see". It would read better, at least for me.

But this is intriguing. And now I must get to work, but will read more, hopefully quicker than last time!

Hi D.S. Congratulations on being, as far as I can see, the writer with the highest ranked Sci-Fi book.

I gave this a read but I don't really get on with thrillers. The writing is excellent in places, apart from a couple of occasions in the 2nd Chapter where the characters explain back-story in unnatural dialogue: "I didn't recognize you. It's been several months since we spoke," and "We'd been awake for three days."

Good luck to you. I'll be eagerly awaiting how HC view your book in a few months.

This is very lively writing, and while I enjoyed the first chapter, I felt that for a thriller, you need a stronger hook.
What about opening with 'Tim, are you there?' You can feed in geographical information later. The repetition of that question too, makes it a good hook.

Thank you for you kind comments :-) Much appreciated.

Thanks for the comments, Jan. I've been away from the cite a few weeks, but hopefully can get back to reading soon. I'll look forward to reading your chapters and returning the favor.

Taut, intense thriller Good reading - though as others have already said you may want to start at chapter two? Being told Tim is a rotter so early on really is a tension killer :-)

There are some fine tuning needed here and there. Two odd phrases that jumped out at me were:

... who sat intently driving... (??)
... hair waved freely ( :-) )

yes there are a few other punctuation/grammar glitches - but its only me nit-picking :-) Once past these tiny things the style settles and it becomes an excellent eco-thriller in the making - a real page turner! I have read 4 chapters - which is all I ever do at one sitting as I hate reading on screen - I will get back to the rest soon as it really is a gripping plot. I need to know what happens!

Intriguing thriller with a suspense. Setting is perfect. Little touch to some omissions. End up the best. Hope you'll visit my work.

Thank you for your kind comments, Vicki.

A fascinating if scary premise. It put me in mind of Michael Crichton’s novels. Your clean writing style isn’t dissimilar either. A most enjoyable read and one I see rising to the top of the slush pile.

Thank you for your comments, Isogrifo and Dominic. The point about Agent Fowler's name is well taken. I'll correct that soon. Isogrifo, I will also work on getting a few more chapters uploaded later today. I haven't performed that process yet, so it'll be fun to see how it works. Thanks for reading and commenting. DS

Hi DS,

I am impressed! I have just written a similar yarn on Global Warming - Icarus Rising - but its not as pacy as thine. How is Atlanta these days? I used to get out a lot in the 90's. My employer at the time, British Telecom, had an office out on Peach Tree Road someplace. I thought it was a great place.

Only suggestion is that you should come up with another moniker for "Agent Fowler"; it starts to look strange on the page when it's repeated a lot.

Good luck

DC

This is excellent story telling, a real page turner. The short paragraphs keep the action moving at pace and the plot is intriguing. Do you have more to upload, I NEED to know what happens next.
I would make a similar observation as in my previous comments re the number of Agent Fowlers. It would deffinately read better if these were reduced.
This is potentially a great book and, I would have thought, very publishable.

Have read through to end of chapter 4 and the plot is developing really well; this is my kind of book.
A couple of things I've noticed: Is there something missing on the upload of chapter 3 between para 4 'a bite to eat?' and para 5 'Can't now'? Also Chapter 4 would benefit greatly, I think, if some of the Agent Fowlers were replaced by either he or just Fowler.
I'll read this through to the end and it is going up on my bookshelf.

Thank you, Debbie and Gallagher, for taking the time to read and provide comments. It is certainly appreciated.

i appreciate your comments. i am certain that is what this site is for...good and constructive criticisms are what build up. I have taken your views aboard and will look into that. thanks kwasumang

Read the first 3 chapters - reminds me a little of Greg Bear, eco-thriller bordering on sf. Minor niggle for me was in the first scene where she can see the moonlight outside, see the trees, see the man's hand retreat, yet she can't see the back seat of the car as it's too dark? It would have been more believable for me if she'd perhaps woken to the noise of her attacker opening the car door and not been able to turn around and see him as he had a gun at her neck. Maybe he tells her not to turn around as he doesn't want to be identified? Maybe she can see Tim asleep outside and wonders why he doesn't wake up and help her (is he drugged? is he pretending as he's part of the conspiracy?) Great suspense. Is Tim a good guy or not? You say not in your pitch - I wonder whether it's a good idea revealing that in the pitch, as it would create more tension if we didn't know, if we found out when June does. Good wrirting, though and I will read the rest.

Good catch, Duncan. It should be vile -- not viral. My mind plays funny tricks on me sometimes. Thanks for reading.

Interesting opening, if not a little confusing - probably what you're going for here. I'm going to read on.

In the meantime, a couple of nits: "...neck gained definition." [A little awkward for me], "viral-smelling" [Did you mean vial smelling?] Nice opening!

That’s a great start. Was she drugged or no? I’d say the shadowy backseat lunatic was probably correct.I would not trust Tim if I was June. Your descriptions of the scenary is excellent and you’ve obviously done some research here. I hope the men in the backrooms don’t latch onto your technical explanations. They read very credible. These seem like characters you could use again, or am I in for a nasty surprise down the line?

Thanks for the comments, Richard and kwasumang. I am excited that you found Midnight Blue interesting enough to read a few lines. I will definitely find the time to visit your pages soon. Looking forward to seeing what others have to offer on this incredible site.

I've got as far as Ch 4 and am completely riveted! It's got me on the edge of my seat and really got me thinking about the story and what's going to happen next. It flows really well and I just had to keep reading. I've added this book to my Bookshelf :)

you hold the suspense and you craft your thought deliciously. i am more thn certain you are a nugget that needs discovery. you have a fun.