The Proof

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hm, orgasmic sex as an opening chapter, juxtaposed to watching the sunrise. Now, how can you lose with that? Also, I think the writing is extremely witty, even intellectutal, and the dialog is totally realistic; I know, because many of my friends speak this way. This is a good, fun read! Backed.

Hi Pitbull and Marshlight. Thanks for your comments.

Marshlight - I have to be honest, I'm not really interested in swapping critiques. I think these things are only worthwhile if they come unbidden. Otherwise they tend to descend into mutual backslapping/point scoring.

Pitbull - I did write two more chapters, but in the end they were so disconnected from the rest that I split them off and turned them into short stories. That's what I'm mostly focused on these days. Maybe I'll upload a book of stories at some point.

Hi– finally got round to reading some more!

In fact, I read through to chapter 8 – like others who’ve commented, I think it would be immensely improved if there was some thread of plot linking everything together (and I mean that in a nice way).

At the moment it just seems to be a collection of random, individual moments or memories (all extremely well-written, and very enjoyable though they are!).

Have you had any thoughts about where to go with it – I think it could have a lot of potential, if only you could find that ‘missing link’ to bring the whole thing together . . .

Best of luck with it – I’d be highly interested if you do decide to add more.

Darren

Ho ho, a Nabokovian - John Shade from Pale Fire. A lot to live up to, but you might be able to do it!

Very good, I like this. It's very nicely written, and pours forth evenly, much like the morning sun. Jeremy is something of a dreamer, and is setting himself up for trouble with his hopes for a perfect baby. I hope nothing terrible happens. Kate isn't there with his theory yet (which is just old-fashioned hope, really), but she loves him and puts up with the flights of fancy. Particularly good how their love for one another is established at the end.

If you'd like to look at the opening to my Beyond the North Wind, I'd be pleased to swap critiques.

Excellent beginning. I liked the style, and it read smoothly enough. I liked how the banging grew in intensity. Best of all is the crazy idea of looking straight at the sun. Now on to chapter 2.

Thank you live2write for a very encouraging comment. There was indeed a lot going on under the surface... so much that I couldn't understand it any more! That's why I stopped. But maybe I'll get back to it one day.

It's well-written, but I think it could bear with a bit of trimming, anhd you may want to think about paragraph length. Depending on your intended audience, some people find great long paragraphs intimidating. In general, the more white space on a page, the more accessible the text becomes.

thanks for your comments pitbull and toscka. it seems chapter 3 is the end of the line for most people... guess i need to work on that "sense of impending doom" that toscka mentioned

Hi – I’ve just had a quick read-through of the first three chapters of “The Proof” – I’ve enjoyed reading it so far - I especially liked the undercurrent of humour, and Jeremy’s rambling discourses, although I felt at times that maybe it was a little ‘over-described’.

During the house viewing scene, I kept wanting to find out why the estate agent was delaying letting them see the garden – I liked the cat popping in and freezing, “as if they had caught it doing something shameful”. (It seemed a bit odd that he would disappear to make a phone call, though, while showing people round the house - perhaps he should have to go and answer a call instead?)

In chapter three I noticed a slight typo: “I’m sure (your – you’re) both keen . . .”, and thought the point of view wandered a bit towards the end.

An enjoyable read so far . . . I’ll check out some of the other chapters as soon as I’m able . . .

Darren

Alex, just read chapter 3. Again it is well written. And it is quite amusing, the asides, the descriptions of the estate agent are well done. I wonder however whether this chapter is a bit long. It is about a couple looking at a slightly rancid new house, but that is all, or at least that's all it seemed to be about to me. There was no undercurrent, no sense of impending doom. Not that there needs to be, but without a subtext it was quite long and not nearly as engaging as what preceded it. That said, just my opinion of course.

Thanks for the comments everyone.

@Khan: too _many_ descriptions!

@Aeons: The schizophrenia got to me too... I think that's why I never managed to finish it. I couldn't work out how to tie the whole thing together.

@EarlGrey: Thanks - glad you liked it.

@C.Gallacher: Glad you liked the house scene... I was wondering if it was too silly.

@cutley: I guess you're being sarcastic, but thanks anyway!

@toscka: Thank you for your detailed insights. I agree about the opening chapter... the woman next door plays no further part in the story and could just as easily be left out. If I remember right I wanted to link Charlie in some way with the burning intensity and geometrical simplicity of the sun... my brain hurts just thinking about it.

Alex, I just read the first two chapters in my lunch break. Normally i'm a curmondgeonly critic, who can't spell that word, and hurl out my comments. I don't really have any here. It's good. It's very well written, and if I didn't have to get back to work, I'd be reading chapter 3 now. I liked the anal and overly pedantic speach making of the skinny husband (whose name I forget). Possibly his monologues are a tiny bit too long, but I was there, in the flat, with them naked and nattering and not really listening to each other as couples who like each other often do. Should I have been there? Is that legal? One other thing, I wonder whether you need the woman looking out at them from the beginning? If she is to turn sinister, then you could end the chapter with them noticing the twitching curtain in the opposite block or something, rather than opening with her, if not, what does she add? Anyway, those are my opening thoughts. I'd be reading on if browsing in a book shop, and that's all you can ask for at this stage. Back later.

It is rather irritating to find that I have to agree with your view that you are a much better writer than the rest of us. Keep it up, you are bound to be published.

You sure do get right down to it. Why not? There's a lot more sex around than serial killers and wizards. I hope so anyway. Jeremy and Kate are a bit on the exhibitionist side for me. People get arrested for parading nude in front of their windows. Prose is excellent. I like the 'city stencilled against the sky'. The characters are likeabale and the slimy agent showing them around the'Amytiville hous' is hilarious. I liked it.

Well too may tangents/threads can indeed be dangerous, but I quite liked your ramblings. Loved Jeremy's thoughts on 'good sex 'leading to a child. The couple seem very human to me, very real. Oh, and great pitch. Three chapters in & so far so good!

There are some really interesting aspects to the story and some wonderful visuals but there doesn't seem to be any thread for the reader to hold on to; the story shifts in focus three times in just six chapters and you lose a sense of what it is about. It would be interesting, very interesting, if it wasn't to schizophrenic.

The story opens nicely and is engaging but too much descriptions about nothing spoil the taste. Improve on this front and you would have a great book.