Bravo's Veil

Dear Michael,

I decided to read the first three chapters of Bravo's Veil after I saw your forum post. I really enjoyed it for many reasons. One, your writing. It's clean, rich with sensory description, and I loved the personification you employed in your opening paragraphs.

Two, the way you chose to open the story. I love a great mystery, and you did a fantastic job of capturing my attention and keeping it throughout the first chapter, and the way you ended the first chapter was nothing short of genius, because I couldn't resist reading on.

Three, I love historical fiction, and you captured the proper era and setting perfectly. The way you fashioned the scene where Paul evesdrops in the secod chapter did a fantastic job of telling the reader exactly where and when this story is being told, and without the dreaded info-dumping. Kudos for that. You also told us a lot about Paul's character through his situation too. For instance, we know that he is bullied by that Brigg's character, which means he's used to being pushed around, and not standing up for himself. You did such a fine job of building his character without just "telling" us who he is.

Overall, you've built some really strong characters, created a fantastic setting, and presented a great mystery to your readers. The only thing that stuck out in your writing, was the amount of one and two line paragraphs you used. I like short paragraphs because they have a way of emphasising certian sentences in ways that they couldn't be if they were a part of a bigger paragraph. However, I feel like you had too many of them, so that after a while they started to lose their effect. It might just be a formating issue, but I noticed it.

Well, I really enjoyed reading this, and will do my best to come back and read more when the time presents itself. I'm adding it to my shelf as well. Thanks.

Carrie L McRae
(Dust in the Wind)

Easily one of the best written and carefully constructed books I've read on this site. Well researched with an enviable degree of detail and a powerful and effective storyline and the pace is beautifully judged, allowing the story to unfold at its own logical speed. I rated this when I first read it, some time ago now, and having read it again, in its entirety, am immensely impressed. You're a top writer, sir, who understands every nuance of your chosen genre. On my shelf with admiration and sincere hopes that this book will achieve the wider recognition it so richly deserves.
Jake.

Bravo's Veil is ready to be published. It tells a great story with various elements all coming together over two different timelines. It’s one of those rare books that treads the line perfectly between historical fiction and thriller. It gets all its facts straight, a testimony to the research that author Michael Croucher obviously put into this novel. But it also keeps the plot moving at a great clip that keeps the pages turning.

Characterization is also quite strong. We learn about the characters by both their actions and their dialog with others. And the characters themselves are an interesting lot, never once seeming out of place with the story or breaking character.

Bravo’s Veil would make a great beach vacation read, and should also appeal to the book club circuit. It should prove popular once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

Michael

Thank you so much for bringing your book to my attention. Once I'd started reading, I knew I'd need to finish the whole book. I had to know the full story.

It is very well put together, the opening chapter draws you in to the story with a tantalising cliff hanger. I loved the structure, with the two timelines teasing out the storyline 47 years apart. The characters are well described and the scenes of evacuation and dark shorelines were vividly portrayed. The death scene close to the end of the book is so gently written that I felt I was actually there.

I wish you the very best of luck, it's a great story and deserves to do well.

Mark Shakespeare Fletcher
Charlie and the men in shoes

I've read the first three chapters so far and found a well crafted, smoothly written novel. Your skill is evident from the opening paragraph that creates a strong vivid image of the Cornish shore. You could taste the sea and hear the waves with such well chosen description and imagine the boy's damp socks. Awoke many a memory for me, I have to say. The prologue was well structured-- the manner in which it established the wild beauty of the sea and innocence of the boy so crudely and cruelly interrupted by the machinations of war. A real strong opening.

The following two chapters are very strong in characterization and setting. There is a real sense of the time period you establish well through the details of the black out curtains, the dialogue and of course the necessity for evacuation. There is also a sense of the London area in the speech and mannerisms. You are confident in the reader's patience and don't overburden the beginning with backstory, just dropping a sentence here and there about his family situation and the bullying. All of these elements make for a good pace, a nice bit of tension that really carry the reader on. I do like the conclusion of the third chapter when you switch to ominiscient viewpoint to emphasize that though war is waging in various ways around them, they have their own war and posturing that makes them feel they're the center of the universe. Very enjoyable read and highly starred. Kristin

Hi Michael, read the first three chapters and really enjoyed this. You write extremely well and the story grabbed my immediately. Thought the opening section, from the boy's perspective was chilling and gripping and a great hook into your story. Backed.
Sheila

Why does so much rubbish get published when something as riveting as this is overlooked? Devoured the lot in a day. Backed it.

Dear Michael,

This is a really powerful and evocative story. One minor issue is the opening part where the challenge is to provide enough description, without slowing down the pace or appearing to overdo the bit.

The opening is written well, but you might consider sentence variation. There are three repetitive structures [[SVO as SVO, SVO as SVO...]], which might undermine the effort you've put in. Also, you might consider reducing some of the descriptive sentences that are not completely necessary.

It works from the second paragraph onward. Might consider cutting out, "He raised his right foot...drain out sea water" because the sentence appears to be there just for the sake of description.

Could you in the first page or so put in a descriptive phase or a sentence that brings out the kid's character in a really powerful way?

I read the first three chapters and they seemed well written. The story is captivating and should appeal to a broad audience. I will be going back and reading through the whole thing.

Dear Michael,

I decided to read the first three chapters of Bravo's Veil after I saw your forum post. I really enjoyed it for many reasons. One, your writing. It's clean, rich with sensory description, and I loved the personification you employed in your opening paragraphs.

Two, the way you chose to open the story. I love a great mystery, and you did a fantastic job of capturing my attention and keeping it throughout the first chapter, and the way you ended the first chapter was nothing short of genius, because I couldn't resist reading on.

Three, I love historical fiction, and you captured the proper era and setting perfectly. The way you fashioned the scene where Paul evesdrops in the secod chapter did a fantastic job of telling the reader exactly where and when this story is being told, and without the dreaded info-dumping. Kudos for that. You also told us a lot about Paul's character through his situation too. For instance, we know that he is bullied by that Brigg's character, which means he's used to being pushed around, and not standing up for himself. You did such a fine job of building his character without just "telling" us who he is.

Overall, you've built some really strong characters, created a fantastic setting, and presented a great mystery to your readers. The only thing that stuck out in your writing, was the amount of one and two line paragraphs you used. I like short paragraphs because they have a way of emphasising certian sentences in ways that they couldn't be if they were a part of a bigger paragraph. However, I feel like you had too many of them, so that after a while they started to lose their effect. It might just be a formating issue, but I noticed it.

Well, I really enjoyed reading this, and will do my best to come back and read more when the time presents itself. I'm adding it to my shelf as well. Thanks.

Carrie L McRae
(Dust in the Wind)

I first reviewed this over 700 days ago when I was still active on the site. It was a very good book then, and I note you've made some changes since then to make it even better. I really think an agent would look at this, an I urge you to submit it to some if you haven't already. HC should consider it for their digital imprint, too. It's atmospheric, tightly-written, and absorbing. R

Bravo's Veil. Michael, I know I've read and backed your book before, but it must have been ages ago, because I cant find the comment... so I'm starting again!
I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. An atmospheric beginning, and then that natural touch with the boy raising his right foot, supporting it across his left knee, and pulling down the heel to drain out seat water. Brilliant (I remember that bit, now).
That shadow slashing from the rocks - what a dramatic start.

Ch.2. I've found a typo in your flawless, compelling prose - I think you mean his eyelids became heavy - in the last paragraph.

Ch.3. A poignant scene at the station. And Paul's problems are mounting.

Ch.4. So we meet Judith Challis again - and I have an inkling of what she has in mind. But I still dont know why the two brothers were seperated.

Ch.5. On to 1996, in New York, and I havent a clue what is happening. You drop hints here and there about the backgrounds of David, Steve and Kathy, but nothing has any bearing on previous chapters.
Oh-ho - I eat my words. A clever twist, but perhaps the lead up to the revelation could be handled a touch more delicately and smoothly from the beginning, for the sake of your readers who might appreciate an earlier hint?
And now I'm wondering about that bully, and what happened there.

But you have me hooked, and I have w/listed your book for further reading and re-backing.
You handle the time changes well, and your plot is turning into a well crafted story.
You certainly should have reached the ED before now - but unfortunately what I would prefer to call "marketing" is a necessity these days!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Very well written, not what I'd normally read but I've seen a lot in the forums about this book lately. It's well worth the praise. You transport us to this time and immerse the reader in it. I felt like I was there and even like I'd learned a thing or two. I'm glad I took the chance on something outside my familiarity zone. You're a talented writer and I'm compelled to read on. I also love your strong characters.

Missy

Dear Michael,
Your language and storytelling fits the era you write about perfectly. I particularly liked the hook at the end end of the prologue. The first paragraph of descriptive setting went one sentence too long for me and I wondered whether the first sentence in the second paragraph could have been the very first? In chapter 1 I enjoyed the image of Nan with the fag hanging out of her mouth, however her second sentence seemed a bit formal to me. "It's alright I'm not angry at you, but I really should know what happened." Perhaps "It's Ok pet, I'm not angry. Now, tell me what happened."
This sort of story in this era is very popular and I think you have a large potential audience. I sensed a pull towards the florid yet you have a bit of a thriller starting up in the prologue, so I think the challenge will be keeping it pacy while painting in the landscapes you do so well and seem to enjoy. I can see why this is well liked. I will have a look a Ch3 and 4 shortly.

Seems well written. I've read the first chapter, will read the rest and try to provide a helpful review. Have put it on my shelf.

Archal
Patriots Without Choice

Easily one of the best written and carefully constructed books I've read on this site. Well researched with an enviable degree of detail and a powerful and effective storyline and the pace is beautifully judged, allowing the story to unfold at its own logical speed. I rated this when I first read it, some time ago now, and having read it again, in its entirety, am immensely impressed. You're a top writer, sir, who understands every nuance of your chosen genre. On my shelf with admiration and sincere hopes that this book will achieve the wider recognition it so richly deserves.
Jake.

Bravo's Veil is ready to be published. It tells a great story with various elements all coming together over two different timelines. It’s one of those rare books that treads the line perfectly between historical fiction and thriller. It gets all its facts straight, a testimony to the research that author Michael Croucher obviously put into this novel. But it also keeps the plot moving at a great clip that keeps the pages turning.

Characterization is also quite strong. We learn about the characters by both their actions and their dialog with others. And the characters themselves are an interesting lot, never once seeming out of place with the story or breaking character.

Bravo’s Veil would make a great beach vacation read, and should also appeal to the book club circuit. It should prove popular once published.

John Breeden II
Old Number Seven

My first take, having only time to read the first three chapters, is that it seems very exciting and suspenseful.
The first chapter is very descriptive, setting the dark tone.
That same tone continues in the second chapter and I feel a swell of concern, what has happened to this boy and what lies ahead. Definitely sets my interest.
The writing is flawless.
I will continue to read bit by bit, have patience. May take me some time.

I have read the first three chapters.
Before I comment on them, I have to say that yours is one of the best pitches I have read. It really does its job of making me want to read the book. It is very intriguing.
In regards to what I have read, I like the style. It makes me feel deep brown and green, which is, I don't know why, that period makes me feel. Very good casual touches to give a sense of time but at the same time of what was going on for the characters: the gas mask, the wool sweater smelling lavender (beautiful image for any teenager, male or female!, about the caressing bossom).
I felt unsettled at how little Paul spoke. This is not a bad thing. I don't know if it was intended but with his nan speaking so much and he so little, it increased the feeling of fragility, and also of impending danger.
I loved chapter 2, somehow it grabbed me more that the first one. I think the first one was more descriptive (good descriptions) and slow at a point when I did not know who that boy was so I did not feel much for him. However, the second chapter conveys the stress of the war (loved the implications of the black curtains, never seen that used in any story about WWII, and that is to say a lot, because I have seen/read many stories) against the family drama that is hinted enough and also enough is left to keep the reader hungry to find out more.
If this was a movie I would leave the narration as it stands, since the shooting of the first chapter woudl be far quicker that reading it and with the lack of dialogue is perfect for the starting credits, but being a book I think I'd actually consider swaping the order between the first two chapters.
The second one really makes you feel for this boy that seems so fragile and shy, that would really increase the emotional tension when ready what now stands as the first chapter.
I hope you find these comments useful. If they are not, I hope you forget the quickly.
In any case, lots of inspiration!!

Your descriptive powers are excellent. Obviously I don't want to sound churlish, but I did find it in parts a little overwritten. What I mean by this is why use two words say, when you can use ten. The bath that Paul had comes to mind - along with his Nan going down stairs. The examination of his presumably battered mouth where every detail is explained, all the way down to his bloody saliva swirling down the plug hole, no doubt in an anti-clockwise direction, is too specific to my mind. Then you explain in every detail the manner in which his Nan goes downstairs, taking one step at a time making sure that two feet are on each step before she takes the next one, with one hand pressed against the other wall for support. Couldn't she have just gone downstairs or simply have left the bathroom?

Then I was baffled in the sense of where did Paul's split lip come from? In the cave he was grabbed from behind and there pretty much the episode finished. So did the secret agent give him a wallop for good measure? And also I don't really understand why Paul was sent in the first place if the woman (agent) was working on the defection of the German national? I mean why get a young boy involved at all, isn't that unprofessional ? What is the relationship between the boy and the agent that made the boy go down to a stormy coastline on a windswept night? It all seems a little in the dark to me. Obviously I'm certain that all these questions would be answered in due course if I read more, but unfortunately no hint is given in these early stages and yet it is of principal importance. So I spent the first three chapters asking mysef too many questions and wanting to know and not certain whether the questions would be answered at all. Wilfred (He Was a Most Peculiar Man)

This is brilliant! So glad I took the time to get started on it. I've read the first three chapters and will read more. I really can't find any negatives at all, so this is going to be a bit of a pointless crit, I'm afraid. Your story set me in mind of bedknobs and broomsticks. Please don't take offence at this, what I mean is, the time of war and evacuation seen from the point of view of a child. Your descriptions were vivid and I could absolutely picture everything. It's not often I come across a book on here where I actually put my own faces and dress sense etc to the characters, but your book has me doing just that. I think you will without a doubt be published. A very readable and polished work, well done, I love it.

Julie x

Your writing flows. There seems to be no problem with it. The beginning description (the first couple of paragraphs) were superb! OMG the clear image that I had of that scene was great. Not many authors can give you a great image and then keep on describing the small things and it still works. You can still see the ocean, feel the breeze. It's like you are there. 5 stars. You have great potential. I was hoping I would get more story in but the ending was good enough to have the reader want to continue.

The pitch didn't seem clear straight away, it was maybe too much to take in at once.
I love the first chapter; the descriptions of the Cornish coastline. You create an atmosphere which works brilliantly alongside a little bit of mystery.
And you've written it so descriptively and so accurately . It takes me back to my younger years whenI used to holiday there.
It sounds an interesting story, and one that doesn't take too long to begin. I wish I had more time to read further on - maybe soon.
It is well written, easy and comfortable to read. The characters are described well and the dialogue works.
Overall I like this book and it is a book I would buy.
I give it 6 stars.
Junetee (Four Corners)

ive read the first few chapters and i think your book is nicely paced. i think you have a good balance between dialogue and description- i can almost imagine myself being there since your decriptions are so clear. i like your dialogue too- it doesnt feel forced so its nice to read something natural. i didnt really notice any major typos so i dont have a lot to suggest.
good luck with this,
melissa :)

Assured writing, with detail that brings place, people and action to life convincingly so it's very easy to imagine yourself in the scenes for the story. Very nice period touches for the second world war scenes, in the dialogue as well as in the narrative. The plot is intriguing and the hook is there from the beginning - what mission is this boy on, who is 'she' the instruction-giver, who's the brutal man apearing from nowhere on a beach at night, what's in the metal cannister and will Paul survive? Adrenalin's flowing, plenty of action

and then the pace drops to a crawl for Chapters 2, 3 and 4. I think these are very well-written, especially the creation of Gran and Bett, and I know they establish a few facts about Paul's background, but I think these chapters could be cut down, especially the detail of the station and the evacuation - this is too similar to too many other books and postponing any follow-up to Ch 1 for too long. I thought about this a long time and I really feel you should put Chapter 5 as the 2nd Chapter and THEN switch back to Paul as evacuee. Make painful, serious cuts to that section then let it lead naturally into Chapter 6, which is when things get interesting again.

It was as if the book went from an adult thriller to a children's book for 3 chapters then got back into the adult story again.

I also think your pitch shows the same oddness of structure. I really think it would work better if you start from David. I switched ity round, starting with 'While dealing with a crumbling marriage and a failed business, david Collins sets out to discover the truth about his brother, convinced that his supposed death was a cover-up' (I'm making that up because I haven't read past Chapter 6 so I'm just guessing but you know what I mean. It makes much more sense to me to move from the brother's desire for the truth to the mystery itself rather than the other way round.

Hope that makes sense. Happy to talk about any of it if you want to. I'll try and read some more.
Jean Gill
Song at Dawn

Michael, finally here to comment as promised. Based on the first five chapters (which is all I have time to read right now) I like this. It’s not the kind of thing I would usually read, but I have to judge it on its own merits rather than my personal preferences. Your writing style is efficient and smooth, so any suggestions or criticisms I make will be my personal opinion and, as such, you may want to ignore them :-)

Autho chapter 1 (prologue) – good stuff. Easy to read, very evocative, I could feel that wind-swept beach. You immediately create a sense of mystery with the references to the mysterious woman who has given Paul an unspecified errand. The change of scene to Coulter works well, and his final piece of dialogue is a great device to set up the rest of the story.

Autho chapter 2 – for me this was the weakest of the chapters I read. I suppose because it’s mainly Paul eavesdropping on his Nan and her friend, so nothing much happens. It just feels like background information. For me, the important points are (1) Paul is being severely bullied, (2) he has a brother who he doesn’t get to see much, (3) his family background is a difficult one (dead parents, two sides of the family estranged as a result). Once I got to chapter 3, I felt it was much stronger and I wondered whether it would be possible to scrap chapter 2, work the important details from it into chapter 3 or elsewhere, and start the story proper with the evacuation scene. But as I said, just personal opinion …

Incidentally, I wasn’t keen on the rapid back-and-forth switching of POV in this chapter, but it seems to be your style to head-hop quite frequently, and as I read on I got used to it.

Autho chapter 3 – as I said, I think this would make a stronger opening. Maybe even stronger if you were to bulk up Paul’s reactions a bit (the first paragraph, for instance, is rather a detached one – a piece of information from the author – and it might be more engaging to start with Paul himself). I loved the third paragraph – this is the kind of thing I mean. It’s very personal to Paul himself and I think that works well.

I didn’t think you needed the last few paragraphs, once Paul had fallen asleep, but again that may be a POV preference …

Autho chapter 4 – Judith is a fascinating character and provides the same pull and hint of mystery that her unnamed presence did in Paul’s part of the prologue. I think you introduce her just in time, as the story was beginning to run the risk of coming across as a straightforward account of a child’s wartime experiences (maybe another reason for scrapping chapter 2?). It’s Judith and whatever she’s up to that provide the counterbalance for Paul’s story – her knowledge to his innocence.

Autho chapter 5 – I like the fact that you are weaving together two time periods, but my personal feeling is that the 1996 strand is brought in too late. It felt like a bit of a shock after being immersed in 1939 for so long. I guess it depends how frequently the 1996 chapters occur, but I would suggest two chapters is long enough before you bring this element in (again, maybe another reason for scrapping chapter 2?). Then your reader will know what to expect of the book as a whole since you will have set up both stories in good time.

A couple of final thoughts: your pitch reads like a short synopsis rather than a teaser. Fine if that’s what you want, but personally I find that on authonomy I am more tempted to read books with blurb-like pitches – pitches that entice, but don’t give the game away. And I do wonder whether the book is actually a little short – I don’t know what’s standard for the genre, so maybe I’m wrong, but I’d have thought 80K would be more usual.

Hope this helps. Like I said, it’s just my personal thoughts and responses, so if I’ve misunderstood your intentions at any point then please just ignore me :-)

Stunning opening. I've finally managed to get back & read some more and will try to finish later in the week.
Backed & starred, Michael.

Tonia
Blue Diamonds

Just to let you know that Bravo's Veil is on my bookshelf. Best wishes, John.

After reading the first few chapters I've decided to put this book on my bookshelf. I don't normally read spy stories but this one kept me wanting to read. I hope that this book gets published. Clive Bone

- Bravo's Veil -

(Chapters 1-3)

I've tried to think of different ways to articulate this but I don't think I can get away from this being a rather short comment filled only with praise. I didn't even find a typo that I could bring up as constructive feedback.

The writing is incredibly tight and accomplished, with the intrigue and tension of the opener followed up well be the convincing wartime episodes in the following chapters. The evacuation scene with the threat of bullying is a great way of showing the main character's fragilty.

What else? The plot builds well, exciting but at a patient rate.

Yes, very good all round. I don't have much to add I'm afraid.

Definitely on my 'to be backed' list.

All the best with it,

Ross

Michael

Thank you so much for bringing your book to my attention. Once I'd started reading, I knew I'd need to finish the whole book. I had to know the full story.

It is very well put together, the opening chapter draws you in to the story with a tantalising cliff hanger. I loved the structure, with the two timelines teasing out the storyline 47 years apart. The characters are well described and the scenes of evacuation and dark shorelines were vividly portrayed. The death scene close to the end of the book is so gently written that I felt I was actually there.

I wish you the very best of luck, it's a great story and deserves to do well.

Mark Shakespeare Fletcher
Charlie and the men in shoes

I only had to read the prologue of this book to know that it would get my backing. It is well paced with excellent descriptive work and both prose and dialogue flow well. I will be back to read more.
Gill

Hello Michael--
book--Bravo's veil--

Well written pitch that takes you into the story .
After reading the first seven chapters and then scan reading a few more, i have to say, that i will come back to read all of this gem of a book.
With the treat of a German invasion on the horizon, it depicts so well, how the young children were moved out of the cities and into the country for the own safety.
Gas masks on shoulders and clutching suit cases, it re-creates a sad scene for all who had to suffer .
This is a riveting historical story, about a time that will never be forgotten.;so compelling and extremely well written.I found it difficult to put it down.
it get my six stars with pleasure

tom bye Dublin Ireland
'From Hugs to Kisses'
oblige and read some of mine which will be of interest to you, i e chapter German's bomb Dublin.
chapter 12- and air raid shelters chapter 13 and Stephens fear of a German invasion. thanks

Hello Michael--
book--Bravo's veil--

Well written pitch that takes you into the story .
After reading the first seven chapters and then scan reading a few more, i have to say, that i will come back to read all of this gem of a book.
With the treat of a German invasion on the horizon, it depicts so well, how the young children were moved out of the cities and into the country for the own safety.
Gas masks on shoulders and clutching suit cases, it re-creates a sad scene for all who had to suffer .
This is a riveting historical story, about a time that will never be forgotten.;so compelling and extremely well written.I found it difficult to put it down.
it get my six stars with pleasure

tom bye Dublin Ireland
'From Hugs to Kisses'
oblige and read some of mine which will be of interest to you, i e chapter German's bomb Dublin.
chapter 12- and air raid shelters chapter 13 and Stephens fear of a German invasion. thanks

Great book, been reading it for about half an hour, had to stop and back it. Will come back and read the rest has me hooked and brings back lots of good memories.

I really like this. It's been years since I have read this kind of book, but it reminds me of other great books I have read of this genre. The prologue is great: your descriptions are spot on and create very clear and real images. The pacing of the action versus description is also well done. I didn't feel bored, but was instead compelled to continue reading to see what was going to happen next.

Excellent work here. I have already commented on the first chapter (I'd skipped ahead to get more quickly into the story), and time allowing, I will continue to read more. I have backed the book to show my appreciation and support of your work.

All the best,
Charlotte12
The Eagle's Gift

This is a compelling and well written story, atmospheric, emotive and visiual. Backed and high starred. Bea

I didn't know you were a fellow Canadian. Wonderful! I have only been able to read the first chapter, but so far I am enjoying it very much. I love the grandmother; she is very well portrayed, so that I can even hear her voice in my head when she speaks. And, I am intrigued by the family history that is touched on, and what will happen to the boys if and when they separate. I will do my utmost to continue reading, but so far I have added the book to my watchlist, so I can come back to it later. I am glad you contacted me with the request to read you book. Looking forward to reading more of it.

Charlotte12
The Eagle's Gift

Looking at Chap 2, I am impressed with the London dialogue, very good, but I notice that you have Mrs. with a period as in the American English. British English doesn't have a period between the title and the name. It's Mrs Jones, not Mrs. Jones. The other point. When you have "his Nan" it should be "his nan" since you are telling the reader that it is his. If on the other hand your referred to Nan you would use a capital to infer that it was belonging to the character Paul. Small points and you take it for what it is worth.
Overall very natural, although be careful not to over do the ducks. Very often Londoners call ladys dear. Okay dear, or alright love, is more common. Also I notice that you use Ta, as in thank you. You might also use 'em in place of them. Will yeah get 'em out - for instance.
In Cornwall they say alright my lovely, or Ole right ho and I'll be there drectly - the later meaning I'll get there in my own time.

Peppering just a hint of these in at the start of a character dialogue will give the reader the lead in the dialect, and then the reader will automatically have the voice in their heads, so to speak. From then on you don't need to continue.
Hope that this helps give authentic voice, in later chapters in my book I have Scottish, and Irish dialect so I had to do this, and I have written 120,000 words.
You might want to tighten up the prose a little here and there. With a nicotine stained finger, rather than a finger that reeked on nicotine. In other words try to add succinct descriptive. Steely grip, rather than a grip of steel. It speeds the read up - he gets the story quicker, and thus more exciting because he moves faster through the plot. Again, it's your story so you don't have to take notice of me, but I think it would make a good story brilliant.

Will read more when time allows.

hi, just finished the prologue and first three chapters of your piece "Bravo's Veil", i enjoyed the work, you used your prologue to introduce drama and excitement, with the drama set you then adroitly introduced characters and began to develop the story while giving an interesting and convincing picture of war time england, i especially enjoyed the way you began to develp Juddith's character, an attractive woman clever and aware enough to slightly touch a male who may be of value to her later, of all in all the writing was smooth and apt, though i did feel in the prologue you perhaps overreached, using the most threatening and dramatic languare, description and metaphor (granted it was a very dark situation) in contrast to the much more natural introduction of nan following it, i will back this piece, i hope you will take a look at one of my pieces, i have three up and would enjoy a comment on one of them

Hi
I read the first chapter. Cornwall, yes I know Penzance very well and live not far away in Cadgwith on the Lizard. I get the setting and the air of mystery and I wonder, perhaps you could give your caves and beach a name. Porth Chapel, is to the west, or Treen, or Porth Curno where the transatlantic cables run underneath the beach (fibre optic these days). There are caves along the coast there, although not necessarily with access from the cliff face which is very rocky, steep and dangerous. One or two can be accessed from the beach, but only at low tide.
My first impression of the descriptive text is one of telling, rather than showing and lack of sound and smell which would be much evident with waves, seagulls, and seaweed etc.,. Seagulls screech, and weed can be very pungent. Then of course the water gulps and blows, gurgles, smashes and swirls into the caves, the noise echoing from the walls of the caverns. Sometimes these caves lead to old tin mines and shafts. On the Lizard where I live, they used to quarry the rock and ship it out by sea and the rocks are cut to make channels for the boats to come in.

Maybe it's just my style, but I feel that with sound and smell I would feel closer to the caves, the beach and the mystery on this dark and dangerous night.
But of course it's your story, and you do not have to take notice of me.

You write so beautifully i found this book hard to put down. Everyone has already said what there is to say but i just wanted to add my wee voice too......... excellent read :)

I'm loving this book!!!!!!!!!! rated n' backed big time :)

I've read the first three chapters so far and found a well crafted, smoothly written novel. Your skill is evident from the opening paragraph that creates a strong vivid image of the Cornish shore. You could taste the sea and hear the waves with such well chosen description and imagine the boy's damp socks. Awoke many a memory for me, I have to say. The prologue was well structured-- the manner in which it established the wild beauty of the sea and innocence of the boy so crudely and cruelly interrupted by the machinations of war. A real strong opening.

The following two chapters are very strong in characterization and setting. There is a real sense of the time period you establish well through the details of the black out curtains, the dialogue and of course the necessity for evacuation. There is also a sense of the London area in the speech and mannerisms. You are confident in the reader's patience and don't overburden the beginning with backstory, just dropping a sentence here and there about his family situation and the bullying. All of these elements make for a good pace, a nice bit of tension that really carry the reader on. I do like the conclusion of the third chapter when you switch to ominiscient viewpoint to emphasize that though war is waging in various ways around them, they have their own war and posturing that makes them feel they're the center of the universe. Very enjoyable read and highly starred. Kristin

This is a well-crafted novel. You certainly have loads of talent and great attention to detail.

Great scenery and sensory input in the opening.

Hyphenate a compound adjective: twelve-year-old boy.

Start new sentence: “It had been made very clear to him that the torch…”

A very believable reaction by the boy to being attacked. Well done.

The jump back three months in time is a good idea. It makes me want to see how Paul got in that jam. And the opening scene with the bruising on his face caught my attention. Most significantly, how his family didn’t baby him.

The conversation between Nan and Bett was a great way to introduce the back story while keeping the story moving forward.

I'm impressed. I'll back it.

I wish you success in finding a publisher.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Your descriptions in your prologue drag your reader in to discover what is happening to a boy. The boy is actually on a mission. You write well and incorporated dialog throughout your story wisely. I enjoyed reading the first few chapters and fully rated your book. Good luck.

Daniela (Water Goblin)

Thought I'd comment on my initial impression. Succinct writing, stunning imagery, vivid descriptions. Loads of intrigue. I feel i'm write there alonside our protagonist shivering in the cold. Great end to chapter 1. Will read more and be back to comment . Well done.

Chapter 2:

Great use of dialogue. Am really able to see Nan's character through her conversation with Paul. Also, you're laying the mystery foundation well, as I am fully intrigued by the end of the chapter. Great closing line. Am enjoying this book and happy to continue reading. Highly starred, and i'll be back with more comments soon.

Thought I'd comment on my initial impression. Succinct writing, stunning imagery, vivid descriptions. Loads of intrigue. I feel i'm write there alonside our protagonist shivering in the cold. Great end to chapter 1. Will read more and be back to comment . Well done.

A superb piece of work, Michael. Strong surges of drama, vivid imagery, and authentic detail, which I can vouch for. (I was on the railway platform. not at Paddington but at Portsmouth, on Sept.1, 1939. We were off-loaded upon Brockenhurst in the New Forest, near enough for me to cycle home at weekends to be in the shelter with Mum during the Blitz.)
"Bravo's Veil", a tale that needs telling to both sides of the Pond,.backed and high-starred.
Have a look at "Pompey Chimes", in a setting just a few years before yours, when we started reluctantly to get our heads down. A comment would be appreciated too.
David Grant

With the exception of the word "ducks" in this opening chapter, a word I might add that is mainly used in the Home Counties, I found your writing really quite interesting, although a little laboured at times. Your conversational writing however is top notch and certainly moves along at a cracking pace. I'm not a great lover of prologues I think they really belong in non-fiction where the need to develope a thesis calls for one, but in fiction you can so easily interweave the past and present to make it come together in perfect understanding. I wish you luck - Wilfred (What a Most Peculiar Man)

Having read the first three chapters, I am highly impressed. This reminds me of Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia where the Pevensie children were evacuated to the country during the war;) Paul is established early as an endearing character, and you instantly grow fond of him. This is deftly written. A good job, Michael. Highly starred and backed, bud.
Michelle
"The Gypsy's Daughter"

Having read the first three chapters, I am highly impressed. This reminds me of Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia where the Pevensie children were evacuated to the country during the war;) Paul is established early as an endearing character, and you instantly grow fond of him. This is deftly written. A good job, Michael. Highly starred and backed, bud.
Michelle
"The Gypsy's Daughter"

Hi Michael,
I read the first four chapters and enjoyed what I read. This time always fascinates me. It would have been awful for those families to evacuate their children. My father billeted one from London, and the family basically adopted him as another brother. He still keeps in contact with my dad even now.
I can really see how this is all going to unfold after reading your pitch. These types of stories are intriguing and I like the retrospective aspect as David will ultimately search to find out what happened to Paul.
Your writing moves along at a nice pace and pulls the reader in. I didn't find anything to nitpick other than a few 'that' words which could probably be cropped. Only a minor detail.
I liked the train journey and how the two girls protected Paul from the bully, and I liked the conversation his nan has with her friend to relay parts of the family story and what had happened to Paul.
All in all a great job, I can see why you are so highly ranked.

My bookshelf is full for the month and I have already lined up a few I want to put up for next month, but I'll watchlist this and hopefully give it some shelf time in the future.
Well done, Cheers Jacoba

Yes, this is definitely an effective first chapter and reminds me quite a lot of the opening scene in 'Great Expectations' with Magwitch and Pip. This is very well done and the tension is palpable . Its always a good idea to lead with such attributes , rather than build up to it slowly. If you have thed time (and you don't have something more constructive to do ) would you be kind enough to look at my novel 'A Buccaneer' , set amongst Pirates in the 17th century , with best wishes, Strachan Gordon.

A magnificent book – I put everything on hold until I read it to its end. Amongst the finest books that I have discovered on this site.

I thought the novel when seeing the evacuation through a child’s eyes was masterful. By coincidence, last week, I met a man whose school had been evacuated to Cornwall for the duration of the war. He hated Cornwall – his memories were of continual rainy cold weather and of being hungry. In his middle age he went back to the country house, now a hotel, that had used for his school. He introduced himself to the owner who remarked “The headmaster should have been horsewhipped for leaving the place in such a mess”.

I have a mild concern with the book as I don’t think Britain had Asdic defences shore as early as 1939 (if at all). I thought that Asdic was developed to protect the Atlantic convoys after the submarine war had started, but I am no historian.