Letters from David

I haven't read a lot of your book thus far, but enough to know that you are an excellent writer. I'm backing this, with best wishes.

Emmiee

I haven't read a lot of your book thus far, but enough to know that you are an excellent writer. I'm backing this, with best wishes.

Emmiee

Thanks so much. I really appreciate the kind words!
Eve

WOW! I love this. I love the need for change that Claire is feeling. I could sense all of it. The tie with the war in Afganastan and David Jr and Rachel. The feeling of freedom and being scared of that freedom. The timid steps forward. I love this. The story is captivating and the life lessons and human gems are easily weaved into your story without it being banged over our heads. Each line driving the story onward. I think Ellie is a good beginning place of her journey and her conversations with Ellie are well written and fluid.

Shelved.

Well done.

Rachel May

Dear Pierre,
Thank you for backing my book! I'm pleased and surprised. Also, thank you so very much for your astute and insightful commentary! I know the story is overwritten in places and am working on tightening it up. Your comments help me see exactly where to go with some rewrites. Thank you for the comments on the letters and characterization. Actually, I am not a widow -- I've been happily married for 21 years -- the story is entirely fiction. That it was that believable to you chokes me up with gratitude that you "get" it; this is a testament to the messages that I wanted to get across to the reader. Apparently, they did. I am very glad that you took the time to read and comment. Your words mean a lot to me and I count you as a very careful reader and reviewer.

I want to have faith in this crowdsourcing ranking business -- I don't want my book to be the winner of a popularity contest, but a shining example of a good story.

From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you!

-- Eve Paludan

Dear Eve,


Just some play-back from a reader. On reading your pitch and synopsis, I needed to know how she lost her husband. Killed? Walked out on her? Got himself a trophy wife? It makes a difference as to how I sympathize with her.

Have read two chapters and placed Letters From David on my bookshelf.

Further comments.

The risk to take to blossom is so true. We fear undertaking anything new because it is out of our comfort zone. The truth is, we can achieve anything we put our minds to.

Lovely letter. Evocative. I have experienced it. After reading chapter one, I was thinking this is an appealing concept. I am becoming involved. I want to know where the story goes, Solid writing although I am probably the only person on Authonomy who would edit it tighter.

Chapter two. Shocking letter. Now I am astounded. I never expected this. Nice work. That letter is heart wrenching. I read it slowly. Word for word. Sad about the insurance company’s tactics, but true to life.

Didn’t realize you got winter tornadoes. I know them as a summer thing. But the writing is cinematic. I see everything going on in the preparation.

Pulled into the story by the approaching weather. My wife and I deal with weather all the time, usually in the middle of the night.

An observation on ‘he said, she said’. Many of these could be deleted. Giggling now, because the next piece of dialogue does do away with them.

This is coming across so well, I know you have experienced it. Very much character-driven. You introduce other elements I wasn’t expecting. I am involved emotionally.

End of chapter two and on my bookshelf.

Hoping a commissioning editor notices your pitch and has a look-see. I don’t have much faith in the editors desk. Such a bun-fight.

Have fun with your writing. I find it therapeutic because I can live in a different world other than the real one.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Dear Eve,


Just some play-back from a reader. On reading your pitch and synopsis, I needed to know how she lost her husband. Killed? Walked out on her? Got himself a trophy wife? It makes a difference as to how I sympathize with her.

Have read two chapters and placed Letters From David on my bookshelf.

Further comments.

The risk to take to blossom is so true. We fear undertaking anything new because it is out of our comfort zone. The truth is, we can achieve anything we put our minds to.

Lovely letter. Evocative. I have experienced it. After reading chapter one, I was thinking this is an appealing concept. I am becoming involved. I want to know where the story goes, Solid writing although I am probably the only person on Authonomy who would edit it tighter.

Chapter two. Shocking letter. Now I am astounded. I never expected this. Nice work. That letter is heart wrenching. I read it slowly. Word for word. Sad about the insurance company’s tactics, but true to life.

Didn’t realize you got winter tornadoes. I know them as a summer thing. But the writing is cinematic. I see everything going on in the preparation.

Pulled into the story by the approaching weather. My wife and I deal with weather all the time, usually in the middle of the night.

An observation on ‘he said, she said’. Many of these could be deleted. Giggling now, because the next piece of dialogue does do away with them.

This is coming across so well, I know you have experienced it. Very much character-driven. You introduce other elements I wasn’t expecting. I am involved emotionally.

End of chapter two and on my bookshelf.

Hoping a commissioning editor notices your pitch and has a look-see. I don’t have much faith in the editors desk. Such a bun-fight.

Have fun with your writing. I find it therapeutic because I can live in a different world other than the real one.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

I haven't read a lot of your book thus far, but enough to know that you are an excellent writer. I'm backing this, with best wishes.

Emmiee

Thanks so much. I really appreciate the kind words!
Eve

I haven't read a lot of your book thus far, but enough to know that you are an excellent writer. I'm backing this, with best wishes.

Emmiee

Dear Eve,
I love the bit about the list of woes ending with the lack of shaved legs.
You have a lovely sense of humor that heightens the writing.
POV issue: Claire can't see her tears squirting out of her own eyes. But she can feel them.
Try to pare down the dialogue between C. and E., make it leaner. Ellie's not giving a lecture in the ladies room. Integrate physical action during your dialogue sequences; often physical moves can either punch up what's being said, or actually show us the opposite. Especially since you have that nice lounge, you can have the women easily move around in that setting.
Dialogue needs to be spare, representative rather than speeches. Same issue is occurring in the next chapter, between Claire and Tucker. Look at some spare examples. David Mamet is the extreme (and yes, he's a playwright, not novelist), but you might get a good sense from him. Would love to see this again when it's further along.

WOW! I love this. I love the need for change that Claire is feeling. I could sense all of it. The tie with the war in Afganastan and David Jr and Rachel. The feeling of freedom and being scared of that freedom. The timid steps forward. I love this. The story is captivating and the life lessons and human gems are easily weaved into your story without it being banged over our heads. Each line driving the story onward. I think Ellie is a good beginning place of her journey and her conversations with Ellie are well written and fluid.

Shelved.

Well done.

Rachel May

Dear Rachel May,
Thank you so much! I am very happy when readers enjoy my novels and your comments are much appreciated.
Best,
Eve Paludan

WOW! I love this. I love the need for change that Claire is feeling. I could sense all of it. The tie with the war in Afganastan and David Jr and Rachel. The feeling of freedom and being scared of that freedom. The timid steps forward. I love this. The story is captivating and the life lessons and human gems are easily weaved into your story without it being banged over our heads. Each line driving the story onward. I think Ellie is a good beginning place of her journey and her conversations with Ellie are well written and fluid.

Shelved.

Well done.

Rachel May

Thank you for your astute and insightful feedback. This will help me as I revise. I appreciate the time that you took to read my work. It means a lot to me!
Best,
Eve

Hi! You have a great concept. Letters and romance always seem to go hand in hand, don’t they?

Your first chapter is a bit rocky. In the first few chapters I am utterly confused by the mash of information you’re giving. You portray her as being excited about her freedom, have her crying and depressed over her husband, put “the saint” in quotes which instantly denotes sarcasm to me… Honestly, I have the impression that your MC is bipolar. I have no idea how to feel about her grief.

It is okay to have all these emotions over the passing of a husband but grouped together it creates the wrong picture.

The third paragraph has quite a few explanations in it. Romeos, juliets, what the type of fries are. It reads a bit like a dictionary. I think you can spread these descriptions out and lose that dictionary feel easily.

Things are really moving too fast to gain the sympathy you need for this character. And because I don’t have the sympathy I need, the interest to keep reading is lost.

Widows, or those who lost loved ones, might love this novel as is because they already feel sympathy and can relate to the MC. That is a smaller audience than what you could get by introducing the character in a different way.

Let the information come out naturally as well as the emotion. Through dialog you can keep the interest of the reader and show, not tell, the emotion that is needed to “feel for” your main character. You tell so much in the beginning that by the time it came for the dialog between Claire and Ellie, it was too little too late and seem contrived.

Once you gain respect for your MC and her emotions, you get the entire “chick audience” for your work and expand your reader reach.

I waited a while to read this story because I wanted to wait until I needed a good cry. The premise is very sappy, just how I like my “chick books” but without being able to relate my own general feelings of loss with that of the MC, my good cry didn’t happen.

But it could with some work! You have the technical stuff down (which most writers lack, including myself more often than not) but technical stuff is easy to fix. Emotional…not so much.

As always, this is my opinion only and hey, it looks like many others would disagree with me, so take the critique for what it is worth to you.

Besides, next to your possibly flawless technical writing skills, I'm the ant beneath your feet.

::Smiles::

The best of luck to you!
VG

Thanks so much for all of your insight! I really appreciate it.

Thanks so much for all of your insight! I really appreciate it.

Hi! You have a great concept. Letters and romance always seem to go hand in hand, don’t they?

Your first chapter is a bit rocky. In the first few chapters I am utterly confused by the mash of information you’re giving. You portray her as being excited about her freedom, have her crying and depressed over her husband, put “the saint” in quotes which instantly denotes sarcasm to me… Honestly, I have the impression that your MC is bipolar. I have no idea how to feel about her grief.

It is okay to have all these emotions over the passing of a husband but grouped together it creates the wrong picture.

The third paragraph has quite a few explanations in it. Romeos, juliets, what the type of fries are. It reads a bit like a dictionary. I think you can spread these descriptions out and lose that dictionary feel easily.

Things are really moving too fast to gain the sympathy you need for this character. And because I don’t have the sympathy I need, the interest to keep reading is lost.

Widows, or those who lost loved ones, might love this novel as is because they already feel sympathy and can relate to the MC. That is a smaller audience than what you could get by introducing the character in a different way.

Let the information come out naturally as well as the emotion. Through dialog you can keep the interest of the reader and show, not tell, the emotion that is needed to “feel for” your main character. You tell so much in the beginning that by the time it came for the dialog between Claire and Ellie, it was too little too late and seem contrived.

Once you gain respect for your MC and her emotions, you get the entire “chick audience” for your work and expand your reader reach.

I waited a while to read this story because I wanted to wait until I needed a good cry. The premise is very sappy, just how I like my “chick books” but without being able to relate my own general feelings of loss with that of the MC, my good cry didn’t happen.

But it could with some work! You have the technical stuff down (which most writers lack, including myself more often than not) but technical stuff is easy to fix. Emotional…not so much.

As always, this is my opinion only and hey, it looks like many others would disagree with me, so take the critique for what it is worth to you.

Besides, next to your possibly flawless technical writing skills, I'm the ant beneath your feet.

::Smiles::

The best of luck to you!
VG

Dear Pierre,
Thank you for backing my book! I'm pleased and surprised. Also, thank you so very much for your astute and insightful commentary! I know the story is overwritten in places and am working on tightening it up. Your comments help me see exactly where to go with some rewrites. Thank you for the comments on the letters and characterization. Actually, I am not a widow -- I've been happily married for 21 years -- the story is entirely fiction. That it was that believable to you chokes me up with gratitude that you "get" it; this is a testament to the messages that I wanted to get across to the reader. Apparently, they did. I am very glad that you took the time to read and comment. Your words mean a lot to me and I count you as a very careful reader and reviewer.

I want to have faith in this crowdsourcing ranking business -- I don't want my book to be the winner of a popularity contest, but a shining example of a good story.

From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you!

-- Eve Paludan

Dear Eve,


Just some play-back from a reader. On reading your pitch and synopsis, I needed to know how she lost her husband. Killed? Walked out on her? Got himself a trophy wife? It makes a difference as to how I sympathize with her.

Have read two chapters and placed Letters From David on my bookshelf.

Further comments.

The risk to take to blossom is so true. We fear undertaking anything new because it is out of our comfort zone. The truth is, we can achieve anything we put our minds to.

Lovely letter. Evocative. I have experienced it. After reading chapter one, I was thinking this is an appealing concept. I am becoming involved. I want to know where the story goes, Solid writing although I am probably the only person on Authonomy who would edit it tighter.

Chapter two. Shocking letter. Now I am astounded. I never expected this. Nice work. That letter is heart wrenching. I read it slowly. Word for word. Sad about the insurance company’s tactics, but true to life.

Didn’t realize you got winter tornadoes. I know them as a summer thing. But the writing is cinematic. I see everything going on in the preparation.

Pulled into the story by the approaching weather. My wife and I deal with weather all the time, usually in the middle of the night.

An observation on ‘he said, she said’. Many of these could be deleted. Giggling now, because the next piece of dialogue does do away with them.

This is coming across so well, I know you have experienced it. Very much character-driven. You introduce other elements I wasn’t expecting. I am involved emotionally.

End of chapter two and on my bookshelf.

Hoping a commissioning editor notices your pitch and has a look-see. I don’t have much faith in the editors desk. Such a bun-fight.

Have fun with your writing. I find it therapeutic because I can live in a different world other than the real one.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Dear Pierre,
Thank you for backing my book! I'm pleased and surprised. Also, thank you so very much for your astute and insightful commentary! I know the story is overwritten in places and am working on tightening it up. Your comments help me see exactly where to go with some rewrites. Thank you for the comments on the letters and characterization. Actually, I am not a widow -- I've been happily married for 21 years -- the story is entirely fiction. That it was that believable to you chokes me up with gratitude that you "get" it, is a testament to the messages that I wanted to get across to the reader. Apparently, they did. I am very glad that you took the time to read and comment. Your words mean a lot to me and I count you as a very careful reader and reviewer.

I want to have faith in this crowdsourcing ranking business -- I don't want my book to be the winner of a popularity contest, but a shining example of a good story.

From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you!

-- Eve Paludan

Dear Eve,


Just some play-back from a reader. On reading your pitch and synopsis, I needed to know how she lost her husband. Killed? Walked out on her? Got himself a trophy wife? It makes a difference as to how I sympathize with her.

Have read two chapters and placed Letters From David on my bookshelf.

Further comments.

The risk to take to blossom is so true. We fear undertaking anything new because it is out of our comfort zone. The truth is, we can achieve anything we put our minds to.

Lovely letter. Evocative. I have experienced it. After reading chapter one, I was thinking this is an appealing concept. I am becoming involved. I want to know where the story goes, Solid writing although I am probably the only person on Authonomy who would edit it tighter.

Chapter two. Shocking letter. Now I am astounded. I never expected this. Nice work. That letter is heart wrenching. I read it slowly. Word for word. Sad about the insurance company’s tactics, but true to life.

Didn’t realize you got winter tornadoes. I know them as a summer thing. But the writing is cinematic. I see everything going on in the preparation.

Pulled into the story by the approaching weather. My wife and I deal with weather all the time, usually in the middle of the night.

An observation on ‘he said, she said’. Many of these could be deleted. Giggling now, because the next piece of dialogue does do away with them.

This is coming across so well, I know you have experienced it. Very much character-driven. You introduce other elements I wasn’t expecting. I am involved emotionally.

End of chapter two and on my bookshelf.

Hoping a commissioning editor notices your pitch and has a look-see. I don’t have much faith in the editors desk. Such a bun-fight.

Have fun with your writing. I find it therapeutic because I can live in a different world other than the real one.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Dear Eve,


Just some play-back from a reader. On reading your pitch and synopsis, I needed to know how she lost her husband. Killed? Walked out on her? Got himself a trophy wife? It makes a difference as to how I sympathize with her.

Have read two chapters and placed Letters From David on my bookshelf.

Further comments.

The risk to take to blossom is so true. We fear undertaking anything new because it is out of our comfort zone. The truth is, we can achieve anything we put our minds to.

Lovely letter. Evocative. I have experienced it. After reading chapter one, I was thinking this is an appealing concept. I am becoming involved. I want to know where the story goes, Solid writing although I am probably the only person on Authonomy who would edit it tighter.

Chapter two. Shocking letter. Now I am astounded. I never expected this. Nice work. That letter is heart wrenching. I read it slowly. Word for word. Sad about the insurance company’s tactics, but true to life.

Didn’t realize you got winter tornadoes. I know them as a summer thing. But the writing is cinematic. I see everything going on in the preparation.

Pulled into the story by the approaching weather. My wife and I deal with weather all the time, usually in the middle of the night.

An observation on ‘he said, she said’. Many of these could be deleted. Giggling now, because the next piece of dialogue does do away with them.

This is coming across so well, I know you have experienced it. Very much character-driven. You introduce other elements I wasn’t expecting. I am involved emotionally.

End of chapter two and on my bookshelf.

Hoping a commissioning editor notices your pitch and has a look-see. I don’t have much faith in the editors desk. Such a bun-fight.

Have fun with your writing. I find it therapeutic because I can live in a different world other than the real one.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

This isn't my typical genre but boy am I glad I read it!! Wonderful - clear imagery, compelling take and good dialogue. It's everything a really good book should be.

Bravo and BACKED:)

Cheers,
Ci

Thanks Ci! I really appreciate your time and comments.

This isn't my typical genre but boy am I glad I read it!! Wonderful - clear imagery, compelling tale and good dialogue. It's everything a really good book should be.

Bravo and BACKED:)

Cheers,
Ci

This isn't my typical genre but boy am I glad I read it!! Wonderful - clear imagery, compelling take and good dialogue. It's everything a really good book should be.

Bravo and BACKED:)

Cheers,
Ci

Shelved. Gorgeous writing. Are you sure you are not the reincarnation of Steinbeck? As I read this 'The Grapes of Wrath' and 'Cannery Row' just kept popping into my head, although I recognise the theme and setting is different, it just, well -'smelled' the same, and that's a compliment by the way.

Being stupidly honest, I would not normally enjoy this type of novel, but the way it is knitted together and a sense of romantic redemption is very appealling. Love it. As I said, shelved. This book will go far.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)

Dear Martin,
Thank you so much for your amazing praise of Letters from David, especially the comparison to Steinbeck. I am just floored and happy. You completely made my day! I do tend to write about the people who have the most to lose and how they make their way back to some sort of redemption from rock-bottom. I think that life itself is a quest for love, and when it is taken away, there should be a renewed sense of urgency to find it again.

I am so pleased that you enjoyed my book this much. I especially love it when men who are not characteristically readers of mainstream romance are taken with my story. Steinbeck is truly one of my favorite authors because he really punishes his characters before he redeems them - this makes the endings so great.

Love is the answer in my writing, and you have gotten the message. Thank you again for taking the time to savor such a long novel and then laud it with your hearfelt words. I am grateful and suffused with fulfillment.

-- Eve Paludan

Shelved. Gorgeous writing. Are you sure you are not the reincarnation of Steinbeck? As I read this 'The Grapes of Wrath' and 'Cannery Row' just kept popping into my head, although I recognise the theme and setting is different, it just, well -'smelled' the same, and that's a compliment by the way.

Being stupidly honest, I would not normally enjoy this type of novel, but the way it is knitted together and a sense of romantic redemption is very appealling. Love it. As I said, shelved. This book will go far.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)

Dear Martin,
Thank you so much for your amazing praise of Letters from David, especially the comparison to Steinbeck. I am just floored and happy. You completely made my day! I do tend to write about the people who have the most to lose and how they make their way back to some sort of redemption from rock-bottom. I think that life itself is a quest for love, and when it is taken away, there should be a renewed sense of urgency to find it again.

I am so pleased that you enjoyed my book this much. I especially love it when men who are not characteristically readers of mainstream romance are taken with my story. Steinbeck is truly one of my favorite authors because he really punishes his characters before he redeems them - this makes the endings so great.

Love is the answer in my writing, and you have gotten the message. Thank you again for taking the time to savor such a long novel and then laud it with your hearfelt words. I am grateful and suffused with fulfillment.

-- Eve Paludan

Shelved. Gorgeous writing. Are you sure you are not the reincarnation of Steinbeck? As I read this 'The Grapes of Wrath' and 'Cannery Row' just kept popping into my head, although I recognise the theme and setting is different, it just, well -'smelled' the same, and that's a compliment by the way.

Being stupidly honest, I would not normally enjoy this type of novel, but the way it is knitted together and a sense of romantic redemption is very appealling. Love it. As I said, shelved. This book will go far.

Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)

Hi Eve,

I’m here to take a look at your story. I usually just read along and take notes as I go. I’m hope I’m helpful, but feel free to ignore all of my opinions.
Loved the recreational sex with herself line and the acronym for Romeos and Juliets

In my opinion, the dialogue between Claire and Ellie feels a little stilted. Try reading it out loud and seeing if it feels natural or not. If it works for your ear, just ignore me.

I also feel like the dialogue in chapter 1 is a little too long. It’s great that your used dialogue to reveal the back story instead of exposition, but I feel it can be trimmed a little.
I love the spirit of this story so a far. A woman starting a new phase in her life and starting to live out her dreams.


Chapter 2

I love the mystery father, half-sister twist. I have a book with that topic as well. Actually it is the first book I’ve ever written and I don’t think I’ve even looked at it in three years. It probably needs a serious overhaul.

I think it’s slightly confusing that both the father and the son are named David. But that could be what you were going for.

Once again I feel the dialogue needs work, in my opinion. For example, while Claire is trying to get Tucker out of the car she says: You’re almost like family and just about the only person I have left in this place. I just don’t think anyone would say that in that situation. It slows down the pace and the tension. You’ve built up some nice tension with the accident and the tornado coming and this just doesn’t seem to fit. Once again, just my opinion.


All the best,

Sybil

Hi Sybil,
These are such constructive comments, especially about chapter 2. Wow, I appreciate this so much. Thank you!
Best,
Eve

Hi Eve
I think many of us can identify with chapter 1 even if we are married! And then it gets interesting!!!!!!!
Definitely shelved.

Best
Elaina

Thanks so much! I appreciate the support and encouragement.

Best,
Eve

Hi Eve
I think many of us can identify with chapter 1 even if we are married! And then it gets interesting!!!!!!!
Definitely shelved.

Best
Elaina

Hi Eve,

This is an original novel with a unique structure. You have created believable characters and like the theme of the middle age widow finding herself after the death of her husband. This is a popular theme in both movies and novels, one I am sure is appreciated by women of a certain age group.

I think though that you need to write a stronger first chapter. This of course is just my opinion as a reader and not as an editor or critic. I found that there was too much telling (with a lot of dialogue) and not enough showing. And I felt that the widow Claire was revealing too much of herself and her feelings at the beginning of a novel. I think it would be more intriguing if she was drawn out little by little throughout the novel. Again, this is just my opinion so take this with a grain of large salt and follow your own instincts as a writer.

The idea of including a series of letters is good. When you include description and action of characters you do a fine job.

Patricia

Hi Maitreyi,
Thanks for your comments. It is perhaps overwritten and is in the process of a substantial editing. You have a good eye. I appreciate your astute and helpful suggestions.
Best,
Eve

hello eve
i feel this book has real potential and claire is immediately sympathetic and i wanted to find out more about her future and then, in chapter two, more about Tucker and David Jr's story too.

however the dialogue is (for my taste) too wordy. the conversation could afford not to be so detailed and would therefore be more realistic and snappier to read. You need a different way to fill in the back story.

in a word i can see the workings too clearly. do away with some of them and you have the makings of a great story. (i love the letters). the bathos in the first para of chapter one is charming and tells the reader to relax - there has been tragedy but we can also laugh with our heroine.

you could make more of the wry humour here and there.

is it unfair to say that this looks like a work in progress with very good potential?

all the best
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Found this by accident, but really enjoyed the first two chapters, enough so I want to read more. You have an easy going style, and I can really empathise with Claire's predicament, even though I'm not a widow, and am rooting for her to start her new life. The complication with Tucker makes it more juicy. I can imagine sitting on a beach (instead of rainy old England) and reading this from cover to cover. Am shelving it because of that. Wonderful. Alexandra

Thanks SO much! I have watchlisted your book. Will read it and leave comments as soon as I can. I see that we are kindred spirits, beach gal!
Best, Eve

Hello Eve,

Made room for this on my shelf.

Joanna

A beautiful theme you chose for your story. It is a status in life rarely written about in stories, but you captured it beautifully. Through a questioning inner voice and a listening ear with words of her own, you have created a vehicle in the opening chapters that will easily carry any reader into the heart of you story and hold him until the end of it.

I like your choice of words, introduction of the characters and pace. Will reader further later.

I observed this typo though.

……..having identity crisis, fear to take (instead of make) chances.

Later
All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the sun)

Hi Eve,
This is a really good read! I love your title, which is what attracted me, The pitch is good so if I were you, I'd split it into several paragraphs to make it easier on the eye - I was advised this with mine and it does make a difference ;-) You have an interesting story here and you write well, I want to find out more and this is half the battle! I like your MC, she is well drawn, you portray her sense of loss in the small details, the things that don't get done or don't happen when something like this happens, the fact that for a while, the small things just don't matter anymore - I've been there, so I know you have got this just right. This is well written but take the bits of 'writery' advice given to you here to make it even better if you feel it needs it. As it is, I like it so it's shelved! Good luck!
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Aelaide if you can ;-))

Hello Eve,

The story of how Claire is going to renew her life is strong and well written. The emotional highs and lows are believable as are the characters. Love the Romeo and Juliet.

On my watch list.

Joanna

Here is an author who knows her craft and her genre:

“Later, when Rachel came home, she brought a new female friend and they laughed and talked in the kitchen, and then before the fire, drinking sparkling cider in their chic gowns and then later, when Rachel took her new friend up to her room next to Isabelle’s on the second floor. Claire heard the faint murmurs of pleasure through the heating vents, Claire understood that she herself was very alone and that Rachel, was not.... Suddenly, Claire wanted to get laid more than anything she’d ever wanted.”

“Claire loved beach summers and her smile was coming back, the inner one. Along with the weather were memories of the vacations with David and the kids where they were small, at Virginia Beach, just across the water and across the years. But the memories were not as sad as they once were. The hurt of losing David was easing and Claire felt comfortable in her life, in herself, in her future.”

And so we follow Claire on her voyage of rediscovery. Happy ending? Well you must read and see.

But this is far more than the usual. There is an interesting plot development through the letters a la Samuel Richardson’s Pamela:

“Dear David, my half-brother, my friend:
... I do have this incredible guilt that I was part of the reason you fled your safe, easy life, though we were not the orchestrators of the issues that tore us apart, our parents were – well, Tucker was. But when I think of the alternatives, I know that Claire did the right thing by marrying David. He did an incredible job of being a real father to you and you turned out to be someone I am so proud to call my brother.”

But the sexually explicit scenes are explored in the text:

“She smiled and her eyes were moist with unused passion of years as she pulled off his shirt and then knelt to his zipper, pulling it down and then unbuckling the pants and sliding those down as well.”

And that is the tame bit!

On to my shelf—so to speak!

Hi EVE,
A good beginning to what, i'm sure is going to be a well written and touching story, i'll give you some shelf time. Hope you njoy my books too.

Regards,

Mark H

Hi Eve. Great opening with letter. Fantastic contrast with dark satire. Endearing protagonist. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Thank you so much for your comments and support.

hi eve,

this is far from this adventure junkies normal reading matter-so i hope you take it as a greater compliment when i say you get inside your character's minds brilliantly. combined with an excellent and very polished writing style, i can see your target audience loving this.

all the best with it-shelved-TJ

TJ. Thank you so much for your insight and your praise. I am kind of a cerebral writer - I haven't been able to pull it off for every reader. So glad I could do it for you. Thank you again!

Eve,

I've read the first three chapters.

I don't read contemporary romance, and it is possible that some of my comments might be off base because I'm not familiar with the genre. But here's my reaction to what I've read:

I think there's a good story in here, if you could write it all more the way you did Chapter 2 where you brought a scene alive and mostly kept it in the present. You have good narrative skills and control of the mechanics. I was reading right along until the middle of chapter 3 where I bogged down completely in the discussion where the two of them ramble on about their past relationship for much too long.

The beginning kept me reading, but it bordered on reading a bit too much like chunks taken from a self-help book. Instead of having Claire talk with the speaker about the limitations of being a widow in a small town, why not start out with a scene where something happens where Claire experiences the censure of her neighbors. Bring it alive for us. Then make something happen that gives her the idea she could go somewhere else instead of having the Wise Woman tell her that right away with no conflict. Also, I had trouble with the idea that a psychologist would tell a newly widowed woman to go out and look for another man. That didn't ring true. And it would have been very odd advice for anyone to give a stranger.

I also had a lot of trouble believing chapter 3, because you give Tucker the symptoms of severe brainstem injury (unequal pupils) and then they spend all that time rehashing their relationship. Even if he'd been in peak condition, that was much too much of a back history data dump, but with him having unequal pupils and throwing up he's very close to paralysis and death so I couldn't believe they'd be having this long serious discussion. People who have just been concussed don't have long discussions. That's one of the symptoms--they can't. And in the middle of a tornado. Too much.

I also had trouble with the idea that when she finds him after the accident her first thought isn't to call the cops and ambulance, too. She grabs her phone much later. Since you could break someone's neck in that kid of situation by moving them, I found that hard to accept too.

All that could be dealt with by toning down the extent of the injury and having much less thinking about the past while the storm rages. But even if you do that, you've still got conflict overload. He's her ex who dumped her. And her son almost had sex with his half-sister, and, if that weren't enough, he shot her husband---by accident? That is just too much.

Choose one past issue and use that. Trust that you can create an interesting conflict filled story just by having your characters interact with each other in the present rather than giving them such overwhelming backstories. I think you just don't trust your ability to create interesting characters, but reading this, I think you can.

I think you write well enough that you could do a lot with these people via scenes of conflict you show us, rather than using scenes to have these characters discuss things that happened elsewhere. I like Claire's farmwife character, and there is plenty to drive a story with what you've given us, just with her husband's accidental death and her ambivalence about their marriage. You might not even let us know that the guy who killed him was her ex- for a while, and introduce it in a way that gives punch to some interaction between them.

Anyway, I hope some of this his helpful.

Thank you for such a complex assessment of my novel - I really appreciate the constructive criticism and the suggestions. Wow, I have a lot of work to do. Again, thank you!

Hi Eve, Letters from David came up on my list. This is really great, loved it and straight on my shelf!

Thanks so much!!!

hi eve,

this is far from this adventure junkies normal reading matter-so i hope you take it as a greater compliment when i say you get inside your character's minds brilliantly. combined with an excellent and very polished writing style, i can see your target audience loving this.

all the best with it-shelved-TJ

Hi Eve. Great opening with letter. Fantastic contrast with dark satire. Endearing protagonist. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Hi Eve, Letters from David came up on my list. This is really great, loved it and straight on my shelf!

I've added you to my watchlist and started reading your book. I like the way you beginning with a letter - but it doesn't sound like a letter from a boy / high school student. Maybe it's the wording - too sophisticated for the average student - it's the choice of words that just doesn't seem believable. I really love your opening paragraph and you really have some charming stuff here. I like the names of the men's and women's group - funny - is that based on something real? And maybe I missed this - how long has it been since her husband died? I kept asking myself that. I'd feel completely different about her depending on the amount of time that passed - is it a week? A year? To me that's very important.

But for me, there are a lot of redundancies. Examples - in the letter "instead of my usual tone." If he wrote it hastily, then you don't need to add the rest. Plus, "changes for the better" since we know it's a change, we don't need to hear "for the better." I really love the sentence about her "realization" that kicked her in the gut - but get rid of the word "realization." Also, I'd try to keep your tag lines more simple. "She said" is fine. You don't need to vary it so much.

Still, I like it and think it has potential. Let me know if you make any changes because I'd be glad to read it again. I'll probably read a little more to get a better feel for it - based on the blurb, there seems to be some interesting stuff that happens.

Best of luck,
KJ

Hi Eve,

I read your first four chapters. Wow. What a ride.

Your characterization of Claire is astonishingly thorough. I feel like I know her, and I lke her. You used your narrative voice to reveal so many of her thoughts and feelings and motivations. You even managed to get a great deal of her back story in without it appearing as a data dump. Masterful writing, Eve.

Your descriptions are effective, without being intrusive. For example, 'As hot, wet waterfalls of tears squirted out of her eyes and spilled down her cheeks.'

Your dialogue seems natural and your conversations flow smoothly.

Your pacing was perfect for me. I was caught up by the emotional start to your story and my interest never faltered.

Some suggested edits.

Tony's Steakhouse was an old-fashioned restaurant from the 60s, with one of those . . . Spell out numbers 1 to 99. Same thing with 'She slowed down to 25 miles per hour . . .' There are more cases of this type of problem in your first four chapters.

So she could get on the internet, pack a suitcase and upshift her own ass into a whole new gear. Capitalize 'internet.'

These were minor lapses and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your touching story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Al

PS: Might I ask you to read and review SAVANNAH PASSION?

Hi Eve. I am just starting your book. I have to say that I think Chapter 1 is really heavy on the dialogue. I mean, there is A LOT of it. I think that (I don't know the correct literary term) some of what you are covering with the dialogue should be covered with more of how you wrote the first couple of paragraphs. The ladies can still have the same dialogue but it wouldn't have to be so wordy. I felt at times like I was reading a monologue.
I also think that there was perhaps a little too much information. Given the average persons attention span, you don't have a long time to hook someone and make them want to keep reading. You may fnd here that people will keep reading because that's what the site is about but in general I think it's a little too much.

That being said I am going to chapter 2 now.

Hi Eve,

I love the fast paced traumatic and emotional start to this story. It offers hope in the first chapter and then plunges into all the baggage.

I did feel that some of the info in chapter two that came across in the dialogue, made it sound unnatural and I wonder if that could be loosened up a little. The only other stumble I had was at the beginning of Ch 2 with the letter, I had to reread the opening lines to work out who Tucker was (must have missed it earlier).

Overall I would say that this is a definite page turner with a self-help message and twists and turns a plenty - much to attract a reader. I would pick this up in a bookshop and am happy to shelve.

I wish you all the best with this.
Kat

Hi Kat,
Thanks so much for the specific locations of stumbling blocks and reasons they are so. I am working on revision of the first couple of chapters and will try to smooth out some of that dialogue, and also explain to the reader who Tucker is.
Thank you also for shelving my book and for the wonderful encouragement!
Best,
Eve

Hi Eve,

I love the fast paced traumatic and emotional start to this story. It offers hope in the first chapter and then plunges into all the baggage.

I did feel that some of the info in chapter two that came across in the dialogue, made it sound unnatural and I wonder if that could be loosened up a little. The only other stumble I had was at the beginning of Ch 2 with the letter, I had to reread the opening lines to work out who Tucker was (must have missed it earlier).

Overall I would say that this is a definite page turner with a self-help message and twists and turns a plenty - much to attract a reader. I would pick this up in a bookshop and am happy to shelve.

I wish you all the best with this.
Kat

Eve, I was intrigued to check out your book because a while back I toyed with writing a novel based on letters. You do a good job making your characters sympathetic. I like how the two women bond in the ladies room and lounge (definitely something that wouldn't happen in the men's room. While I found their conversation interesting -- I thought the chapter became dialog-heavy like a play. Monologs. I wanted there to be more conflict, less agreeing, more tension. Surely they needn't agree on everything. And I wanted more descriptive passages which you do well. I loved the humor of: "She hadn't shaved her legs all winter." Liked "Picked my brain then." It sounds like a human story, and I think you use letters to start of the chapters which is nice. Hope this is useful.

Thank you for your excellent commentary. I think your advice is well-thought out and I appreciate it. I plan to do some revision based on comments and hope to use the upcoming three-day weekend (in the U.S. for govt. employees) for just that. Again, thank you so much.

Best,
Eve

Eve, I was intrigued to check out your book because a while back I toyed with writing a novel based on letters. You do a good job making your characters sympathetic. I like how the two women bond in the ladies room and lounge (definitely something that wouldn't happen in the men's room. While I found their conversation interesting -- I thought the chapter became dialog-heavy like a play. Monologs. I wanted there to be more conflict, less agreeing, more tension. Surely they needn't agree on everything. And I wanted more descriptive passages which you do well. I loved the humor of: "She hadn't shaved her legs all winter." Liked "Picked my brain then." It sounds like a human story, and I think you use letters to start of the chapters which is nice. Hope this is useful.

Eve, I want you to know I will give you more comments later. I backed your book today. Last night I fell asleep with my laptop in my lap. At least I'm TRYING to get some reading in. I will be very glad to have this move over. You'll hear from me soon. Jodi

Jodi, thanks so much! I really appreciate it. -- Eve

Eve, I want you to know I will give you more comments later. I backed your book today. Last night I fell asleep with my laptop in my lap. At least I'm TRYING to get some reading in. I will be very glad to have this move over. You'll hear from me soon. Jodi

Eve,
Good story. I was just a little hesitant at first because the title reminded me of that movie that came out a few years ago...P.S. I Love You. But it appears you are going down a different road and that is good. You are a non-fiction writer who is writing fiction. That is somewhat of what I am doing - A technical writer writing fiction. It's a different feel. That being said, I had a little bit (and I emphasize just a little) that your first chapter, the conversation between Ellie and Claire, being a "How to be happy as a widow" self help bit. Maybe there could be just a bit more disagreement or something to make the conversation sound a little less scripted.
Other than that, you write very well and I hope you rise on the charts. Putting this on my shelf! Good luck,

Jeff

Jeff, thanks so much for putting my book on your shelf! I really appreciate it. Thanks for the constructive suggestions. I never saw that movie or even heard of it. I know, my head has been in a book. I watch a few movies, but we never go to the theater -- too expensive. (I have a Netflix subscription.) I'm reading your wonderful book. Will comment sometime this week. Thanks again for your support.

Eve,
Good story. I was just a little hesitant at first because the title reminded me of that movie that came out a few years ago...P.S. I Love You. But it appears you are going down a different road and that is good. You are a non-fiction writer who is writing fiction. That is somewhat of what I am doing - A technical writer writing fiction. It's a different feel. That being said, I had a little bit (and I emphasize just a little) that your first chapter, the conversation between Ellie and Claire, being a "How to be happy as a widow" self help bit. Maybe there could be just a bit more disagreement or something to make the conversation sound a little less scripted.
Other than that, you write very well and I hope you rise on the charts. Putting this on my shelf! Good luck,

Jeff

Hmm, while I do agree with Laura and several things, I never got the two Davids confused. It was very clear to me who was Sr and who was Jr and I knew precisely who was killed and who was writing what letter, etc

Hi Jodi,
That's good to know. I never had anyone confuse the two either, before this. If someone else thought it was a problem, I could use Jr. and Sr. somewhere, a simpler solution.
Thank you,
Eve