Soliloquy

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

A flowing style, with good description that evokes the scene, and dialogue that lends itself to the creation of a character. I slipped into your world effortlessly, and lingered awhile, absorbing you words like the heat of the sun. Alas, I have no more time to read, but must leave now to eat, play chess, then sleep. So must back you with only a couple of chapter read. Wonderful stuff.

BACKED

Hi there Alice,
I like the style of your writing, it flows and is easy to read. I was drawn into your tale, I warmed to Eva as you give the reader a good idea of her as a person quite quickly and you have created just the right atmosphere, to my mind. Your narrative voice is strong and you tell the story well. I am curious to see where this is going so will try to be back to read more. In the meanwhile, this is up on my shelf, good luck!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi Alice.

Your descriptions of how Eva handles her suitcase and her posture immediately give connotations of her being vulnerable and unsure about her choice. The article establishes the importance of Benedict's current position and the fact he has done well over the years. Tremendous ending to chapter 1 with Eva not wanting to remember Sylvie. A variety of scenarios ran through my mind and I had to continue. You brilliantly characterize Sylvie and her mother by observing their relationship and Sylvie's reaction of humiliation for anyone to know. You develop Sylvie with great skill and complexity. Inviting the reader into her apartment was brilliant for giving intimate details about her smell and cleanliness. You captivate the reader as much as your characters are intruged with Sylvie. Surreal ending to chapter 2 which is a nice tie in with the secrets of the universe and the God Particle. Very atmostpheric.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

Hi Alice:

I love your prose, have read through Chapter 3. I'm eager to read more, but must stop for the night as it's getting late. Although I'm not knowledgeable about physics I have a great curiosity about it and love to read stories where it forms part of the story, adding authentic mystery. Your writing is lyrical,, with a strong narrative that reminds me of why my favorite authors are British. This book should go far. I will put it on my WL for now and may move it to my shelf after I've read some more.

Hi Alice,
I'm not sure if we traded reads or I just put you on my watchlist, your book has been there for a while. I think I just added it because it looked like something I would read. One thing I like your introductory paragraph, very warm and i get the sense of the scene right away with the detail. Just a small nitpik: I'd just suggest starting with "Eve sits alone at a table" because we find out later that's her name, so why not just start out saying it?

Oh, and I do like the idea of a god particle, interesting...I grew up near Fermi institute and was always fascinated by the size of those accellerators. I'd suggest condensing some of your shorter paragraphs where you start out with "the standard model" and the next three paragraphs.

Again, love the descriptives with the house and estate agent, and eve's thoughts, good stuff. I hate how real estate agents follow you around. Love the extra touches you have with the detail again. Reading on through chapter two, I'm glad you continue on in the same style. Introducing the ben friendship works well too. I do think some of your longer paragraphs could be broken up here - the ones that start "one night in the second week" and "I stepped back from the window"

Read through chapter three - as I always do and I'm convinced you are a good writer. I think that you create a rich atmousphere and need little editing. I would just suggest again looking at paragraph length (both too short and too long) and maybe in chapter three identify more of what she reads in either a different font or italics. I sure love it enough to back though.

all the best
Karen

Very well written. Love the name Eva Shade. Should be Eva's POV from the start. Shelved. Best of luck.

Alice
I read 3 chapters and can report that this is very well written. I have afew comments that may help you turn a good story into a great one:
Good end to chapter one although I wondered about the phrase “if she allowed herself” rather than “if she tried.”
“I shook the proffered appendage” – This is open to interpretation! May I suggest you keep it simple.
I wasn’t convinced by “tepid afternoon light.” Can light be tepid. I guess you’re the scientist, you should know.
I like the way you switch between tenses. Present tense for 2007, makes it so easy to immediately recognise the difference.
I have a cat and “ecstatic rumble” of the purr, jarred a bit. I’ve never known my cat to be ecstatic. Contented – yes.
I like the end to chapter 3. Overall I think I was daunted by the CERN references, but found the writing much more fluid than I expected. There's a vague smilarity in our styles that I can't put my finger on although your focus is more on the interaction of people whereas mine is much more tense.
One final thought: "Soliloqy" didn't grab me as a title. Mind you I'm probably at the other extreme!
I'll shut up now and just put this on my shelf.

ChrisX
I Dare You

hi alice,

this has infinite potential.

your pitch is a real grabber and i love the cleverness of the title and first line link up.

a woman sits alone(solus the latin word for alone and the origin of soliloquy-genius) i just thought i'd write that to show everyone how clever you are.

i love c2 onwards and could quite happily read this.

my nitpicks are all in c1.

firstly i struggled with the narrator. it felt like you were telling us everything instead of the character, who then becomes the 1st peron narrator for the rest of the book. (that's the only part i didn't like)

some people say you shouldn't date a book-instead say e.g. present day or one year earlier etc.(just a thought)

her mug of coffee no longer warms her fingers(this shows us it is nearly cold so you don't need to tell us-unless you want to, but apparently show not tell is better)

italics for thoughts is how i love to show them-but if you do, you don't need to tell us the person is thinking.

i think if you change eva's part to 1st person in c1, so it is consistent, you're on a winner.

hope i've been of some help and hope to read the polished novel one day-shelved-TJ

Murray - I really appreciate your taking the time to comment on Soliloquy, it's great to get such encouragement, particularly from a physicist and a fellow runner (lucky you living near the Downs)! I'm going to revist the bits you highlighted to try to improve the flow with a few well-placed commas and perhaps even the odd semi-colon! I'll get you some comments on The Jin Deception over the next few days as the chaos from my weekend house-move subsides... Best, Alice

Hi Katia,

Thanks ever so much for your comments, I am glad you liked Soliloquy. It's wonderful to hear you enjoyed some of the aspect of description and character that I really enjoyed writing. I'm looking forward to getting stuck into A Mouthful of Ashes, I've just moved house so am a bit chaotic at the moment but promise to send you some feedback as things calm down over the next few days.

Alice

Alice
This is a fab story. It was especially nice to find it set in Bristol - I used to run along the Downs each day and lived in W-o-T. Anyway, what do I think? Your writing is tight. There was no need for my usual Word notes (and I can write quite a few nitpicks!).

You swept me along to the end of chapter 5 and I only stopped because I thought "I'd rather wait until this is published than read it on a screen." However I'm dying to get into the CERN stuff since I'm an ex-physicist. OK some things I noticed: you seem to avoid commas where they would help the flow for the reader. 2 important examples (since they are at the ends of chapters): "...landscape (,) in a world..." and "...allowed herself (,) she would..." I also noticed a few (not many) "thats" - removing these may make a sentence easier on the eye.

My final comment is that I like the 'chat up line' Mike uses and by the end of chapter 5 there's a real sense of romance (see, even a block can appreciate it).

Good luck. My shelf will help you on your way to the top.

Murray
The Jin Deception

Hi Alice,
This is exactly my kind of story! A backdrop of scientific research, a herione troubled by her mother, and an unresloved love affair! I read two chapters in one breath, and am backing it immediately. Eva is a very sympathetic character, I just want to nudge her and say, go find Benedict, come on, I want to see what has become of him! It is also interesting how Eva craves Sylvie's acceptance on their first meeting, without even fully knowing who Sylvie is - I can relate to that. Your descriptions are beautiful, I loved the fish fountain and the ash tree sketched out against the sky. It's this kind of lyrical writing which makes me want to read on. And the physics bit, too, bring it on - I'm a scientist (although not a physicist), but I completely "get" the zeal of the search for the God particle. Best of luck with this story, I hope it goes far!

Apart from the rocky beginning, this has a really polished feel to it. It reads really well, your descriptions and characterisations are good, and there are some very profound thoughts and feelings being examined. How could there not be with the God Particle as a player in the tale?

I thought the sentence "even as she hangs in her wintry equilibrium, with the forces acting upon her perfectly balanced in every direction" was wonderful in itself, but I love the way it also plays on the metaphor of physics. And, it is not let down by what immediately follows - "days passing like bubbles flowing through a tube" is also a great image, also scientific.

Downsides: (they have to come)

- Some of your paras are too long (a common complaint on authonomy, incuding about my own stuff. I also think a lot of paras on authonomy are way too SHORT!) They can easily be broken up (or stitched together!)

- Some readers might be daunted by the atomic physics pitch, and the article at the start of the story might be a bit too much too soon. It is, by its nature, prosaic, so it doesn't invite the reader in, or give any indication of the much more poetic writing that follows. Could it be moved a little later into the narrative, ie just before she writes to Benedict? Also, it might help to italicise it, to make it more apparent that its a quote. I stumbled on that when I first read it, and thought: this is a bit wooden, until I realised I was reading the article Eva was reading.

- There are a few typos, and a few phrases that don't quite pull their weight, but they will fall out in the course of time.

One small suggestion: You start with "The woman", then suddenly she has a name. Might it be better to have "The woman, Eva..." rather than "Eva..." when you first use her name. Or simply start with "Eva..." rather than "The woman..." What is gained by keeping her anonymous for just a couple of sentences? (Explain in less than 200 words!)

I think this deserves to do well. The prose is as good as a lot of stuff that gets published. The "heavy stuff" might hold it back, however. I hope not - it is exceedingly relevant to what and who we are, and as such should be an appropriate subject for contemporary fiction. I think because its implications, and the questions it raises about our very being, are so difficult to grasp, the natural tendency is to just ignore it and hope it will go away.

I am putting it on my WL now, but I will be making space for it on my shelf within the next couple of days. Good luck with it, Ian

Hi Alice.

Here are some thoughts on the first three chapters

Chapter 1: ‘How strange’ repeated

There is a fair amount of questions, but little action. Maybe a flash back of a significant event would pick up the pace.

Do we need the information about the estate agent – something more entwined to the plot would be of more interest perhaps.

Chapter 2: are the parentheses necessary in the opening para?

Hair long and bobbed?

‘glowed like a radioactive halo’ – good line

Para 3. very long first sentence

Bristol 1987 – ‘I still remember everything’ – she remembers 1987 in the present day, or the past from 1987 backwards?

‘One night in my second week I was woken with a jolt by a door slamming’ – doesn’t quite flow.

Para that starts: I stepped back from the window – ‘not wanting’ repeated.

Well-written about the first sight of the artwork and Eva’s appraisal of Sylvie is rich in detail.

Very long last sentence.

The narrative becomes more alluring towards the end.

Chapter 3:

Paragraph four of the letter is interrupted by the narrative (she pauses and lays down her pen). You need to distinguish this from the letter, otherwise it reads as though it is part of the letter to Benedict. Perhaps italics for the letter content.

Ask yourself about the lengthy detail with the cat – is it linked to the narrative, does it help the story proceed?

Intriguing last lines about Lucien’s blood.

I had a mixed reaction while reading these chapters. There were moments when I thought some content was unnecessary, or rather particular content was unnecessarily long. I wondered why it was there and if it built the narrative or delayed it. Some of the descriptions I found intricate and fresh, bringing me in as a reader. It makes a curious read and it is certainly a text I would indulge as a reader.

Luke

1st thoughts...any book with the tags 'physics' and 'sex' side-by-side is surely worth a look!
opening quotes are v.beautiful.

ch1 -
The writing is good, rising occasionally a step beyond. I loved the passage where she stares out into the City, taking in the last wisps of day being snuffed out. It set the mood for her melancholy but as yet, you've not explained/justified her fatigue. Seeing the name of someone from her past could just as easily lift her spirits - but in her case the opposite is true. And why should the Prof precipitate pained thoughts of another old friend, sylvie? I realise that ch1 sets up the rest of the story where no doubt all the above becomes clear, but I still feel we need *something* here - at least to explain who sylvie is, and why the re-appearance of the prof has led to thoughts of her. The rest can be left dangling...suspense is good. ;-)

'I can find my own way round the rest of the house,' she tells him. 'There's really no need for you to be here.' - I really liked this - made the MC pop into 3-D.
'...like one of those drawings that Sylvie used to do...' - Forgive me if I'm wrong but this is Sylvie's first mention (pitch aside). But you've given her no reference point, no handle. I need to know why the MC has suddenly thought of her.
sp - banister -> bannister.

ch2 -
'...I still remember everything, every detail from the first time I saw her.'
Unless it later transpires that they were lovers, this strikes me as being remarkable. Again the need to generate suspense is not lost on me, but something is niggling with me here. OK - so she's recalling episodes from 21 years ago, right..? I'm 35. I went to uni 92-95 so I'm not far off the age of the characters. I made friends, close friends & friends with whom I at the time couldn't contemplate ever being apart from. But in the ensuing years I've drifted from them all. Do I remember these times..? Yes, occasionally. Am I haunted by them? No - emphatically no. I'm a different person now and everything that's happened since has made all those 'affairs' close to irrelevant. I.e I've 'moved on'. And what I need to know is why chancing across an article which refers to an old friend, has precipitated this uninterrupted reminiscing in the MC? Why wasn't her train of thought cut short but her here-and-now: a husband, a lover, work, kids... These are blatantly absent, allowing her thoughts to keep unwinding, without interruption. You need to explain to me why she has been so badly scarred by episodes from 2 decades back, *before* I buy into the reminiscing.

In short you write nicely, very nicely, but the MC's POV hasn't been sufficiently justified IMHO.

Thanks for the comments - I'm glad you're intrigued by Soliloquy and I hope it will further pique your curiosity if I tell you that the quote from the Bhagavad Gita becomes integral to the plot later in the story...

I've put you on my watchlist for a read once I've ploughed through a few other books I owe feedback on. In the meantime, happy reading and happy scribbling. A

Hi Alice,
I'm not sure where I saw your book, but I did so here I am.
I have very mixed first impressions. Ch 2 - you'l see why I'm starting here in a minute - Lots of lovely use of language, great sense of atmosphere created, evocative descriptions. - eg the description of the ash tree in its stillness was excellent, but (in my opinion) spoiled by removing that picture immediately - this doesn't accomplish anything - moving directly to the bobbing light would have been a much stronger contrast to the still tree.
Sentences I particularly enjoyed - 'I exhaled feeling as though I had passed some ill-defined but important test.' / 'her speech was compellingly free of the qualifiers that littered my own.' / 'whenever I examined myself for wounds inflicted by motherlessness I cam up empty-handed' - this is (imo) the best line so far.
Other impressions from ch2 - the description of Sylvie - are we meant to recoil from her? Because for me its as strong as that, (and, by association) from Lucien that we haven't yet met.
There is a powerful sense of unease in this chapter and without reading the blurb I know that this isn't a happy story.
There is also for me a sense of a much earlier time frame than the eighties - they seem too close to present day for the tone here.
Little glitch - Lucien is her twin, therefore should have left school with S. in July prior to going to Uni. So why the stuff about him being expelled. Also mother 'paid' for S. to go to Uni. - Doesn't ring true to the eighties - still reasonable grants then.
However The quality of the description in this chapter is enough to hook me.

But, ch1 is a different matter. If this had been a bookshop I'd have not got past first page. Several reasons, - I felt it was basically a chapter of info-dumping, telling us lots of background that we'd be better finding out for ourselves via the story. It also did not have the engaging style of ch2. Her thoughts seem wooden, it took me a minute or two to reliase that I was supposedly reading the newspaper article about CERN, and to give us that 'in full' was a bit boring.
There were other small issues too - Is she a millionaire twice over? - otherwise how can she afford to rent a five storey house in London all on her own? / This is daytime - why the smell of fireworks? / Odd to have longer hair in her 40s than her early 20s.
I felt quite distanced from Eva in ch 1 and at first I thought it was the 3rd person narrative, but when I got into ch2 and Eva found her 'voice' I realised that wasn't the problem.
I'd suggest that you seriously shorten ch1 - cut to the minimum information we need and try and let us learn it by osmosis. Maybe even think of it as a kind of Prologue. For me the real story, and your narrative voice starts with ch2. That has impact and heralds a strong story.
I hope you don't feel I've 'sliced and diced' here - I intend these comments to be constructive and i hope they are.
Good luck with this - you're staying on my bookshelf because of the quality I see in Ch 2.
Margaret
PS If you're not totally mad at me I'd value your comments / feedback on Munro's Choice (dare I ask you to read to ch3? - Ist one is very short.)

The sense of something bubbling up from the depths with this finely judged low key start. The quote from the Gita is intriguing and hints at the depths to come, where the scientific and the spiritual meet, perhaps. You're on my bookshelf to be returned to for more. James

Eye catching cover and good pitch. Very realistic and visual first paragraph.

The newspaper article should be eithr in a different font or italics.

Your descriptions are good and Eva's internal thoughts about the estate agent are great. The past melts into the present and back again smoothly with no jarring. You've told us just enough to pique our intesert and make us read further.

This is going on my WL till I get room on my shelf. Good luck with it.

Best wishes, Joanna

Hi Pierre,

Thanks very much for your comments, you've obviously given Soliloquy a good read. They really are helpful, your experiences of being published are most interesting. I'm aware that my writing is narrative-driven and that current demand is usually for more action and dialogue - I'm curious to see what other feedback I get on this as it's certainly possible that a rewrite with this in mind will be in order.

I appreciate your positive comments on the writing, as I'm sure you know, a little encouragement goes a long way in this game!

I'll be sending some feedback on Fig Tree over the next few days.

Very best, Alice

JTC, Thanks so much for your comments, the encouragement is really heartening. I had a look to see whether you have a book up for a reciprocal read, but couldn't see one - let me know if you post something you want feedback for. Once again, thanks for taking the time to read and comment on Soliloquy. A.

Dear Alice,

I think I’m going to have quite a lot to say, so I’ve opened MS Word and when I have it right, I’ll paste this into your comment box.

You write professionally, make no mistake. Soliloquy is on my bookshelf. However, I am concerned about the narrative aspect when editors harp on character driven, dialogue, direct action story telling.

Let’s start at the beginning. Nice work on publishing short stories. They probably demand tight writing. Pitch OK. Could be more intriguing. Synopsis made me jump. ‘Is she talking about particle accelerators? Oh yes. Cern.’ Read your synopsis to Faith, my wife. She majored in maths and physics. Wants to read your manuscript.

This is accomplished writing. I commend the writer. Not one adjective so far. Impressed. Aha, look at that unusual verb. Wasn’t expecting that. Nice work. Unique subject. Might be over some people’s heads. Aha, an adjective. But the right one, ‘…….a discarded newspaper…….’

That opening para wowed me. I read it twice. Powerful, I thought. Funny, only realize now, we’re in the present tense. Reads well. Very natural. (Although later, we go to past.)

I can’t touch this writing. Might thin it a bit. A bit formal, a bit heavy (for me) a bit long-winded perhaps. But good. solid writing.

Did she research particle accelerators? No, I think she has it all in her head. A sentence here I would have reconstructed to bring time before place. She’ll kick me if I tell her banisters are the uprights and the hand rail is a balustrade. Too bad, I can take it.

OK, what’s worrying me? For this writer who is so darn good, let me share some of my own experiences. After three years of work and writing it two and a half times, my first novel was thrown back at me by a London agent. Cut it back from 120,000 to 80,000 words, it’s overwritten I was told.

So I did. He accepted the re-write and after thirteen rejections, sold it a year later. Published in UK and Commonwealth.

Last July, an agency chucked Fig Tree’s third draft back at me. Too much narrative. Not enough dialogue. We want to hear the children talking. We want to see them in action. We want character driven story-telling.

So I spent four hundred hours, working through the third draft five times, converting narrative to dialogue. What is here on Authonomy is fourth draft. The manuscript has been in San Francisco for three weeks. And I am in a panic they will bomb me for episodic construction.

Alice, see what everybody else on Authonomy says, but perhaps live with the thought you may have to convert Soliloquy to less narrative and more character driven.

Just another thought that might influence you to speed up the action. (I’m having my head chewed off by some Authonomers that I’m too slow.) Our brains think four times faster than we speak. As our eyes glimpse the opening words of a sentence, our brains anticipate how the sentence ends. So our readers are way ahead of our words. Our writing slows them down. The action isn’t fast enough.

Simultaneously, on reading a book or listening to a radio play, the human mind pictures the scenes far better than any TV visual. We don’t need to explain too much.

Go well with your writing. I have the impression that if we write enough, we reach a critical mass when problems become easier to solve.

Kind regards,

Pierre.

I like the idea of this. Maybe it is not a particularly original initial premise for a novel, but it is very close to something that happened to me recently, so I could forgive it. I was just reading away to myself and suddenly found I had finihsed all that you have posted here. That has to be a good sign, so you're on my shelf.