Power Play

This book is a pretty exciting thriller. The story does a great job of drawing you in and keeping you in suspense. Well written.

Darren

These are the notes I took while reading the first 3 chapters:
* Slight tightening required. Cut unnecessary words. For example: “Nodded obediently” – I don’t think we need obediently, that’s what the nod implies.

* Be careful you don’t over stress irrelevant things. An example (I think) is: “Tomb-like blackness” – struck me as melodramatic. Is it the blackness that is tomb-like or the hold. The former doesn’t work for me.

* “Lonely watery grave” again seems melodramatic. I think it’s “lonely” that spoiled an otherwise great end to chapter 1.

* Great opening to chapter 2. I’m now wondering why this isn’t chapter 1. This has more impact and intrigue to hook your reader.

* “Laid waiting” should be “lay waiting” I think although this may be a British thing.

* Good end to chapter 3.

Initially I thought Clive Cussler, but then in chapter 2 I thought “no, this is better.” As suggested I’d swap chapter s 1 and 2. Also a little tightening required and I think you are a fine writer. If the story plays out as suggested in the synopsis, I think this has great potential.

Got to take my neice to the beach now. I'll try and dip into later chapters when I get a free moment. In the meantime, you are on my shelf. Best wishes

Murray
The Jin Deception

Darren

I've now read seven chapters and will finish off the others before going to bed, but said I would give you some feedback, so here it is.

Nitpicks first. The quality of the piece, or rather should I say my involvement in the story, increased exponentially after the first chapter. The whole of the first part with the interplay of the officers on the bridge and the storm itself, should have built to a crescendo, for me. The idea of the thing in the hold, terror of the storm, illicit transport, wow! Great ideas, but I didn't feel as though you got going until the second, short chapter.

Good stuff! Nice monster, atmospheric, a mix of Jaws and Alien, almost. Gives you loads of scope for making messy piles out of everyone and everything, and you did! You build the atmosphere up well, good imagery. You've got some good characters and you pass my biggest test, I´ll read it to the end and will end up wanting to read more.

Shelved!

Cheers

Rayo

Darren
I read to the end of chapter 3 and have some pointers and liitle things to help you.

* The capatin says: "What's the current direction in which the storm is heading." It didn't sound natural to me. Perhaps that's your character, but I prefer the simpler "What's the current direction of the storm."

* The captain "quipps". We all have a temptation to avoid "said" but unless there's a good reason for it, stick to the obvious.

* The ship is called Priveteer not the Priveteer (based on your italics). Drop all the definite articles.

* "Teeth of the storm" - Is that right? Its not an expression I know.

* "nodded obediently." Do we need obediently. We know that don't we? Avoid the obvious.

* I would turn the end of chapter 1 around. Here's a suggestion: "Priveteer struck the sea bed and briefly disappeared into the cloud it created. The container settled eighty metres away. As it struck the bottom, two red lights blinked inside the metal box." I'm looking to hook the reader. It's the blinking box (ha ha) that's important not the boat.

* Chapter 2. This needs some work. It's melodramatic. I suggest you also avoid hanging, possessing, fleeing, rising etc... (what is the name for these verbs?) They detract from the action rather than assist. Hey, but I'm no expert on this.

* "The dolphine literally peeled away..." Drop "literally".

* "There she laid waiting..." Ah this may be a Brit/US thing. If you are British then laid is something chickens do. The word is "lay". Oh and I'd change it to "There she waited."

* The last sentence of chapter 3 detracts from the tension you've jsut built up. Scap it. In fact here's an alternative to the last 2 sentences: "She lay still for a long time, her ears strained for sounds. Whatever had killed her brother would come for her next."

Your style reminded me of Clive Cussler. It's competent and with some polishing up, it could be very good.
I'll put you on the shelf to help you on your way, but do consider my thoughts.
Best of luck and look forward to your crit of mine.
ChrisX
I DARE YOU

crazed american bilionaire is good.

red blotches -i'd take out the "indicating thunderstorms" - the mate's already said it and the captains about to confirm it. just leave the blotches uncommented id advise.

i didnt get the captain's quip?

but this is flowing along nicely.

i see youve had pierre commenting - he's always hard on adverbs, but he's often right about them and stephen king no bad model thinks the same way, so you dont need me pointing out that.

good luck with this, i'm putting you on my wl for now

best

freddie

Dear Darren,

I have all three of your manuscripts on my list and will crit two of them this afternoon, Singapore time. I think we’re two hours behind you.

Power Play is on my bookshelf.

I have one hang-up with your writing. Over-the-top adjectives.

Adjectives like ‘deadly’ and ‘brutal’, to my mind are unnecessary and weaken your nouns.
Many others there too, I would delete.

The same comment regarding adverbs. The ideal is to write without them, using a more apt noun or verb.

I am not a saint on this and you’ll be able to wipe the floor with me, because I do have a few. But I reckon Power Play will be more credible and marketable without them.

Good pitch and synopsis. Promise of wild adventure. Made me think of the great adventure writers, Desmond Bagley, Wilbur Smith, Hammond Innes etc.

Regarding adventure, this is the first work of this genre I have come across on Authonomy. You are in a niche that might be difficult for others to compete with.

Two other things I hope you’ll consider. Don’t panic. This is kid-glove treatment compared to the knock-out blows I give myself.

‘Unleashing’ might be the correct verb, but I find it so over-used on Authonomy, I would suggest a milder verb like ‘releasing’.

OK, before I get out of you hair. ‘The mysterious thing’ sounds like you’re trying to be too clever for words. And I know you’re not because you’re a published writer. But it comes across as sensational. I would like something more down to earth. Something I can believe in.

I’m doing nothing more than tweaking your stuff. You know, just as well as I do, that your work is very publishable. Probably in the top 15% of what’s on offer here.

OK, off for some tea and then back in an hour to make your life a misery.

Go well with your writing.

Kind regards,

Pierre.