Demigoddess 101

great premise the threat at the end "she’s just found Jupiter’s Achilles heel" really intrigues me to read on!

Wonderful premise

Hi.

Good set up, good concept, and you're a decent writer (no mean praise) in the way you use language. Good luck!

I am absolutely addicted to your book! I like that you jump right into the heart of the story and it just keeps picking up speed. However it was the the romantic chemistry between Ava and Noah/Mors and your comedic goddesses (who remind me of Debbie Macomber's 3 mischevious Christmas angels) that kept me reading all the way to the end.

For criticism... Ava's maturity is too varied. At times she seems like a young adult, then at other times she seems like a really young teenager. I prefer the "mature" Ava over the gushing hormonal one. I think Ava throwing herself at the window to view Noah's abs when he's taking off his shirt comes across firstly as corny, and only remotely comedic. There are a few other elements of your story that are a little cliche. (Ava's age, Ava's mom keeping the secret from her for so long without any hints that she knew, and Morta living in a doiley infested home decorated with lace...emo Mor is okay, lace curtains are stretching it.)

I love love love this book ... you are an absolutely amazing writter keep up the good work . there is only one problem ive noticed so far im like on the 6 or 7th chapter. the color of Noahs eyes keep changing. at the beginning they were green later on they were blue and now in the amusment parks scene there brown ..... im sooo confused which is it?

Just clicking through YA titles and came across 'Demigoddess 101'. Love the premise and your writing is up to the challenge. I would read this story to the end and I know teens would enjoy Ava's tale. I don't give detailed crits here, I do enough of those for crit partners, lol, but just a couple of things. Prob should spell out 'okay' even in dialogue and I'm pretty sure 'alright' should be 'all right'. Just something for you to take note of when editing.

Good luck and it has my vote.

Dear K,

I really enjoyed this. Read it all at one sitting. An original premise.

I have to weigh in on the discussion below. I find the voice of the MC to be a good balance between the "real" teen voice (insipid, stilted, full of the latest cutesy expressions), and a voice which I would enjoy reading. I don't think it is necessary to copy the teen voice exactly, even when writing for teens. They seem quite happy to read about people their own age who sound and act as mature as they would like to be. You might want to look at another book on this site, "Colored by Time", by Mandi S, to see how another author handles the same problem. Her MC is more like 18.

I'm also confused. Kids in Canada graduate from high school at 18. Not so where you come from?

Another comment you might find useful, and one which sort of connects to the above discussion, is my perception of the first chapter. I felt that there was quite a bit too much of the "everyday teenage life", and you didn't get to the fun stuff early enough. I also didn't catch the motivation for the gods to be messing around with the students during exams, and you don't mention it again. This means that it stands out as a noticeable author's device to get the reader's attention. You could probably cut quite a lot of padding from your opening.

I can't comment further without reading the rest of the story.

Good luck.

I have to politely disagree with the comments, below: I don't believe that the narrative is all together unbelievable for a teenager, and I think that YA's are quite capable of reading and understanding prose even more complicated that this. Admittedly, I haven't read through the entire MS yet, but I haven't found anything so far that would make it inappropriate for YA's either.

To the age, specifically, seeing as now YA's do generally like to read about a main character who is slightly older than themselves, you could try making Ava 18, instead of 16. The importance of her birthday would still play well (at least in The States, I realize that I'm not all together sure where this is placed...) but, you'd loose the importance of her skipping a grade. You could create the same effect by making a point to mention that she is taking upper-level/honors classes as a senior in highschool, perhaps? You could still make her young for her grade too, by stating that she was the last of her friends to have this birthday. This suggestion that has more to do with your target audience than the character herself--I am prone to lean in the direction of giving kids and young adults the benefit of the doubt. They are often smarter, I feel, than we give them credit for, and I like that this young heroine is witty and intellegent (perhaps beyond her years!)

I'm really enjoying this so far--going on the bookshelf for sure!

I agree with your earlier critiquer: this is great stuff but the voice is too mature for 16. It is almost reminscent of Bridget Jones's Diary - a young woman, not altogether sure of herself but quite worldly-wise withal. If you can possibly make her a university student she'd be a lot more convincing. I think it could indeed be YA: it just needs the character to be a bit older. Teenagers are quite happy to read about slightly older young people and many adults would enjoy it too. The "crossover" market is quite strong, I believe, so it's OK to apeal to both adults and YA readers.

However, it looks like being a romp of a yarn with some really orginal ideas, and I hope to read more. I noticed one typo - "loose" for "lose" during the exam.

I think you have a very strong talent for writing first-person perspective and establishing a witty character voice that captures interest. This is a great first chapter for getting into the main character's head and enjoying her thoughts.

My problem with this is that it doesn't come across as realistic for a sixteen year-old narrator, nor for young adult/youth fiction. I hate to say that a narrative I greatly enjoyed is problematic, but it is. Even given her obvious intelligence, established because she skipped a grade, Ava doesn't seem sixteen.

And, while her divine origins (according to your blurbs about the story) would account for the discrepancy, it feels out of place. "Suspension of disbelief" is a big thing with me, and if something strikes me as unbelievable, I can't shake it. The narration is too mature, her ability to make metaphors, and to be witty, strikes me as very adult. She doesn't think like a teenager. Again, her divinity might explain that -- but it doesn't read like young adult/youth fiction -- the genre has a different flavour than adult fiction.

My discomfort with the unreality of her narration style would be easily solved by making her a university student instead, although that would no doubt cause plot problems for you. The alternative, to really study young adult books and adjust the narrative style, would be wasteful of what is in fact a great first chapter. It causes a dissonance in my mind -- that I love the writing, and yet can't believe it. How weird is that?