The Ghosts Of Montgomery

a lot going on here...interesting premise...
j

Hi Stuie,

This isn’t the first book I’ve read on here which starts with a teenage girl appearing at her own funeral. I like that the focus is on the elderly woman who seems to be the only one in the gathering who can see her. The way you write is unusual and some of the points I’ve made might just be put down to our differences in style. In other words, I’m not necessarily saying your way is wrong, it’s just different to my way!

I hope you don’t mind my being rather specific here. I want to be helpful, not critical.

I don’t like ellipses in pitches. They don’t add much really, just that there is more to follow which is obvious. I like your short pitch otherwise though. Run down needs hyphenating.

In your long pitch, I think you mean “hole up” not “hold up.” “Hole up” means to take refuge in.

The Purveyor of Precipitation and Rain Maker idea in your pitch is fascinating! It’s definitely the type of idea which would tempt me to buy the book.

I’d prefer to see fewer names in the pitch and fewer strands of your story mentioned. You don’t need to be quite so thorough.

“…but in her mind she tried to understand why this was so.” Where else would you try to understand something than in your mind?

Your second paragraph has odd punctuation. You don’t need that second comma and it seems like there’s a word missing. “..the most disagreeable thing of a funeral..” Do you mean “about a funeral”? I’ve read it a few times and although I understand what it means, it doesn’t quite say it.

It’s unusual to use capital letters for a person’s age.

“It took her hours to die.” You don’t need this capital letter because it follows a comma.

If you are going to use so many ellipses then you should be consistent about the number of dots you use and the spaces after them. Or just use commas instead, where appropriate.

“to try to block it out the heat.” You don’t need “it”, although I appreciate that this might well be part of a different style of language than my own.

“…had been witness to a lost soul; The total sum of a spirit…” You don’t need a capital letter after a semi-colon.

“Although perhaps next time she would sugg-” I really like the way you have done this. It works very well and it’s nicely surprising. Very clever!

“..had enough of the women.” Do you mean “woman”? It’s just Clara they’ve all had enough of, I think.

From just the first chapter, you’ve created a menacing and strange atmosphere, which is great for a ghost story. If you find this kind of feedback valuable, let me know and I’ll be happy to read on.

Lucy

you use honest language, to take us along with your story with ease, bringing us slowly to the thrills.
l shall back...six stars******
read SEASONS...

Hi Stuie, this is from the paranormal books thread.
I love this story and I don't say that often. There's a lot going on and in different times.
I've read a few chapters and from the beginning the tone of voice brought the southern states of America alive.
It's like stepping into the past. Intriguing from the start making you want to read on.
You handled the rape scene tactfully without needing graphic details, just by your choice of words.
And I'm sure the connection with the graveyard scene will come to fruition finally.
There is just one thing I'd like to point out. You say the pregnant girl is only two months into her pregnancy and how the father and the friend know this because it shows.
As a mother of four, I have to say, at two months pregnant she wouldn't show at all. In fact it's well over the third month of pregnancy until those signs are evident. And as this is a historical story, I doubt they'd even know, in those days until around four and a half months. No pregnancy tests then! In the not too far away past, doctors advised women to wait until they missed three periods before declaring themselves pregnant.
In your time period I'd suggest you bring forth the pregnancy to four months, if she's showing.
Just a little continuity thought, Stuie. That's the only thing I could see as out of sync with an otherwise excellent story. All the best, from Orma

An enjoyable premise, lovely writing. Good luck with it.

I joined the paranormal thread. And have begun to work my way through the list.
Enjoyed what I read of your work.

"I might eat your children, but at least the kitchen is always clean." -- great, made me laugh

"You . . .You are the one. Help me. Pleas. I beg you." -- Gave me goose bumps.

There was one sentence that seemed off. I'll send you a message about it.

Best
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

This is terrific! Very polished and profressional writing. The story is great. I can visualize Clara flipping out at the funeral. Like how you show her own perspective and then jump to someone else's who is watching her. Became so absorbed in the story that I forgot to watch for things to critique. That's great writing! The perfect Halloween story. 6 stars and this is something I would buy.
Dina of Halo of the Damned and The Last Degree

This is very well written. I am keeping on my bookshelf for a while longer. I don't know what else to say except this needs to be closer to the top of the list.

Hi Stuart, I'm happy to back your book -- it's very well written. It's going on my bookshelf rotation (I like to give them a week).

intro sounds awesome! added to my watchlist and will read soon! would appreciate if you have time to give me some feedback on my story sometime. will let you know when i get to read thru!

THE GHOSTS OF MARVEL

Dear SP,
The short pitch is enticing.
Behind the ornate door of a run-down house in Deression-Era America you will find love, lies, revenge ..and the dead... lies lies
Marvel sounds like the name of a marvellous town.
I look forward to reading the book..
In the meantime I have starred the book.
A Zoomer

A good pitch and introduction. I did enjoy the chapters I read. Lovely imagination and detail. Backed

I love the premise of this book. A well thought out plot. Happy to back as soon as I have some space. Also heaps of stars awarded. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Stuart

From the first paragraphs it is evident that you have an eye for detail and great descriptive writing. You have a clear focus on character setting and the time frame is well intergrated into the story.

Well written and recommended

Jane

'Breath in the Dark'

Well written and laced with the grief and futility each of us feels at the passing of someone close. The narrative really sets the tone in your first chapter, and how can one not pity the poor spirit of Abigail, or wonder at Clara's ability to see it.

It takes some time before the incident, and I wonder if you couldn't introduce Abigail's call to her mother sooner,justr the single word "Mama" to draw the reader along. You're going to hook people in the first few paragraphs of your story.

Still, well done. Many stars :-).

You are totally fantastic, Stu! :) How can I ever thank you enough for backing my memoirs book? :)
God bless you. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I've ****** 'd your 2 books :) - could you please ****** mine? :) Thanks. :)

Dear Stuart, I love that in chapter 29, Sara quoted the Lord's prayer :) - I do it all the time, especially when I have problems, I pray, "Lord, your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven" :) - guess it was took late for Sara. :( You pitch warned me of ghosts & it gave me one more thing to be thankful for :) - that there aren't ghosts. :) Tight paragraphs & dialogue made for a smooth read & your epilogue was totally excellent. :) I've read, commented, backed & ****** 'd both of your books :) - could you please take a moment to back & comment on my memoirs book? :) Thank you from the bottom of my heart :) - I'm 22 from the editor's desk & every backing & ****** 'ing moves us closer, according to the editor's new rules. :) Love, Susie :)

:) comment to follow after I've finished reading your book - read & commented on 2 days later :)

Your opening paragraph is outstanding and captivated me as did the character Clara. Not often we see such accomplised writing backed with a good appealing thrill of a theme.

backed happily

nits
seventy-three in common letters
she had loved not she loved

Hi Stuart, I read three chapters and really enjoyed my read. Brilliant characters and well written.

encapuslated (encapsulated)

Best wishes,

Barry
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

I liked your clever use of foreshadowing at the beginning of your thriller. Your character development is excellent, your use of imagery is good and the dialogue is tight and realistic. Your highly descriptive writing style makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

The more characters the better as long as they interact and have relevance on each other which here, they obviously do. You have put a lot of thought into this and how everything relates in the story. Go with your own instincts. if the characters and situations feel right, go with it. at the end of the day, the story and characters will change as you write them. You know the story, you know the characters so stick with your instincts.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I can understand what some of you are saying about being a lot of characters and and who the main character is, but they are all main characters. The nature of the story requires that the pieces connect in their own time. Not terrible happy about the middle story development between two of the characters, but I can work on that..

I thought this was a very professional piece. You write in a very lyrical, almost poetic manner. Unlike some other reviewers I liked the fact we are given a wide cast of characters in the opening chapters. You actually have a very commanding voice and seem in complete control of your story. Your pitch is strong and based on your solid writing I can see this doing very well here
carl
The Time Hunters

GHOSTS OF MARVEL
This story is a little perplexing in the beginning because each chapter seems to feature another set of characters. Makes it hard for a reader to know who is going to be the main character or who is the person they need to “lock onto” to follow this. That said, there’s good writing here. Characters are fleshed out well; each one is unique and well described. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Each chapter read well separately, but I had a hard time following from one chapter to the next, as if a connection were missing. Based upon your solid writing skills, I'm guessing the story comes together at some point, but I am curious if you had considered connecting the pieces sooner?
Lee Ann
Slightly Dented Halos

Hey Stuart, you're a vet here so you know I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. For the long pitch, end it with one succinct question to pique your casual reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

I can't help wondering why the heck this wonderful book isn't being read more. I Had intended reading this later but once I started I couldn't stop. I love the premise and your writing is fluid and evokes much emotion as a reader.
Can't wait to read more.
Happily shelved
Melxx

Backed

M A Koning
Tale of the Seven Stones

I like this. But I think that you should just start with Chapter 2 and forget chapter 1. That's where your story starts anyway. And your opening there in chapter 2 is so much stronger. Although I must say that the line about colored girls grabbed me instantly.

Shelved with the knowledge that you are editing and I just really dig the tone.

Best of luck to you
Rachel May

Hello Stuart,

I will admit, when I started to read the opening chapter, I thought it was going to be just another 'ghost-witnessing' story, (having temporarily forgotten the pitch). I was wrong. This has a lovely depth to it, with beautiful characterisation. I was transported and carried through effortlessly. The writing flows very well and I felt in safe hands.

I am backing and wishing you all the best.

Kat
DFYLP

Hey Doc,
I'm here for our swap. I think I already said I like your premise, so let's move on from there. I like to start out saying something about the first paragraph so here it goes... I like the content of it, the mood and the MC - we get to know her right awawy. Some of the sentence though I think need some work, or are too short - ok let me think about it... Like this one "maybe she had a sensitive disposition." that's kinda a dangler no? Also, tell us what she saw in the eyse of the ones close to the deceased, stay in the moment.

I like that clara is an elderly woman, it's nice to see her POV and the deceased is young. It's also poignant to see her thinking about death - and seeing the dead. One thing I know by the synopsis that this is depression era, but I do not see that yet in the story, maybe either have a date in the beginning or let us know somehow? It would help us place it.

I like it when clara hears the girl's voice - it adds some spookiness to the story. One thing, you have the voice saying 'mama?' and then you go on a paragraph later saying 'clara had heard a voice saying 'mama' bring those closer together - maybe just 'mama?" clara heard a voice. I hope I'm not being to nitpiky, but I really do like to help and I'm enjoying your story already! I love it when Clara sees Abigail. It's a little sad to think of the dead around us confused and scared.

down to sarah - thanks for breaking it up so we know we're switching POV. it's fun to see clara's reaction from somebody else's pov and now clara has a nemesis.

On to chapter 2 -- first paragraph - i thought it odd that the police were mentioned, would it be a really big deall if a hat shop stayed open late? one other thing I noticed is that you start alot of sentences with HE here - try to mix it up a bit. Not sure how billy and rebecca tie into chapter one yet. maybe the house? Ah, house of marvel, must read to chapter 3 now.

now on to hannah - hmm, i'm getting really confused now, not sure that's a good thing. I'm going to try one more chapter, I'm sure it all falls into place. OH Clara's BACK - YAy. I get it . i get it. i get it.. Ok, phew, read through the third chapter now and its safe to say that I do like this, lots of mystery, but it keeps me moving. Ok, i'm gonna back this one.

cheers
Karen

Hi Stuart,

I have to say I LOVE this book. The characters are so rich, the language so detailed. I can't imagine why they haven't published you already, this book is worth the Booker Prize ten times over!! Congratulations on a masterpiece!

Just one small criticism: It's TOO good. You would cause a standstill if it got published as everyone would be reading it.

I honestly think it will have more impact than the Bible and Shakespeare put together!

Well done you, you are a genius!!

Stuart

hi stuart,

your pitch- i like the premise it gives, whilst fearing that you will spoil the story for some readers. i don't want to know your two main characters die before i start reading.

c1- you've captured a great feel for clara straight away.

Clara naturally found funerals upsetting-i'd take naturally out.

great first chapter-love clara and sara is the perfect adversary for her.

c2-i'm really impressed by the way you've introduced your characters and the story moves at a good pace. with the premise of the pitch in my head i can see this turning into a really good story.

nitpick-don't tell us the horse is tired-because you show us by saying it wheezes and groans-which is the way to do it, so i've learnt(but not yet mastered)

that's all for now because i'm off to feed my little man his mum's expressed milk.

SHELVED on writer's skill, likeability factor and endless promise.

cheers-TJ

Hi Stuart, back now, rather fresher, better able to give coherent feedback.
Some very effective writing here - 'There was never anything they could do short of performing a miracle.' / 'whether people got off lucky when they died.' / 'others visited the Hat shop' - such a subtle way of indicating prostitution. / 'a conscience was all well and good, but business was business' - cliche, but prob appropriate for Billy. / 'It took N several minutes to start walking again and several hours to get to sleep.' / 'something moving on the bed...'
These are all great.
Quibbles? - a few - (only my opinion of course) - Hannah answering the phone - jars - OTT / I'd take out the 'BOOM' - the rest of para is more effective on its own. / I'd also finish ch3 at 'the face of a murderer.' - effective 'hook' to read on (is she or isn't she killed as well? - Of course she is, we realise that but can't be absolutely sure until chapter after next -or wherever when they are discovered.)
NB Rebecca has been with Billy only three months - so its not age that has changed her. / Also 'with the same agenda' doesn't exactly imply she's developed 'morals and character'.
That said, I'm backing this - you have the power to make me read on, and the suggestions I've made are about helping (I hope) to make it better - its already good.
Margaret
PS I'd value feedback on Munro's Choice, also HF, Thanks, M.

Hi Stuart,
Its late and I'm tired, but nonetheless you have drawn me into this. This is going on my watchlist tonight and I'll be back to read properly tomorrow.
M.

Stuart
What a joy to find someone who knows how to use hooks in a story.
I read 3 chapters and loved:
* She did something she had never, ever done before.
* Tomorrow is my last day...
* There was a second bang an Hannah knew no more.

The writing is compact without the usual overuse of adjectives and adverbs. I found no typos, but there were 2 sentences I thought could be improved:
* The long word that starts "can'tcopewithitany..." - sorry I just didn't like it.
* HB had had quite a day... - had had is clumbsy. How about: "Her daughter's refusal to have a bath was the final staw fo HB"? or "HB's exaccerbating day was made worse by her daughter who refused to have a bath."

Good luck with this. I hope you enjoy I DARE YOU, but either way I would like honest feedback.

Definitely Shelved
ChrisX

This book sounds terrific. It's going on my watch list right now so I can read it later tonight.
Jan
You might like LAZY CATS, I have a character Sara (Sarah) also.

Riveting opening chapter. I'm thoroughly hooked. In the last paragraph Sara thinks about "this women's story" and "enough of the women". I'd expect the singular form unless there are more women who see the dead.
Will read on.

Edith

I apologise, I am occasionally hopeless at personal and third-person pronouns. I will attempt to fix them as much as possible. Thank you so much!

Riveting opening chapter. I'm thoroughly hooked. In the last paragraph Sara thinks about "this women's story" and "enough of the women". I'd expect the singular form unless there are more women who see the dead.
Will read on.

Edith

There you go; much better start. Work on those hooks in each chapter though and think about how you are developing the suspense (hey I know what I should be doing, not that I can do it). Learn from some good thrillers on the site: "I Dare You", "Better Angels" and "Archer".
Good luck and I'll put you on the shelf when Authonomy stops crashing on me.
Murray
The Jin Deception

this is a great book, i can't wait to read more. you should read demon beside me, i thought that boom is good to. keep writing. please

Stuart
You are a competent writer. I've read chapter 1 (sorry short of time this am). I'll come back but I'd like to see some changes (bloody cheek eh?). The start and finish of the chapter didn't grab me. Your first chapter probably has to be the strongest. The start and end, even more so. Hook your reader.
If you leave the opening para as it is, I'd go for:
"Maybe it was her sensitive disposition (spelling mistake here). Perhaps it was the Southern weather, so inappropriate for mourning. Whatever it was, CC LeR always found funerals upsetting - even if she hardly knew the deceased."
Still doesn't really grab me, but I have tried to make it a bit 'sharper'. I'm poor at this myself, but I'm told that reducing the number of had's, was's and that's can help. Change things liek she was running to she ran. Also go for active rather than passive sentences.
Some typos I spotted:
- "if there is anything" - capitalise If
- 'flu(')
- please poeple(,) let
I would like to back you, but not yet. Have a rethink and then let me know and I'll start again.
Talk soon.
Murray
The Jin Deception.

Well done. Excellent pitch. Excellent writing. I was sucked into the story immediately. It is my kind of genre, after all. You misspelled disposition in your second line, other than that...beautiful! I am backing it. Take a look at mine?

Outstanding synopsis. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I personally hate death, especially when it's someone I know. I can't wait to delve into your excerpt! And thank you so much for including me on your bookshelf.